I'm Ali.

I came out after twenty years of marriage and I have three kids.

I'm Melissa and I have two kids, and I came out at thirty seven after an eleven year marriage.

This podcast is about coming out later and the struggles and victories that come with it when coming out feels like the end of the world, but it's really just the beginning.

This is the Lesbian Chronicles.

Older woman being penned in her front yard by three police officers.

I think that's data right there.

Guys, you're coming in late.

Welcome to the Lesbian Chronicles.

And Melissae del My house.

Went on, My neighborhood went off the rails this morning.

I've got a second showing and I'm got my dog packed up my house, clean all the things, and rolling out of the neighborhood and legit, three cop cars, three police officers, and a woman pinned in her front yard being handcuffed.

What the fuck, dude?

And I'm like, guys, can we get it together here?

Yeah?

Please get out scram before my showing.

I'm so embarrassed.

Oh no, maybe it's the Verse health episode, so you know.

What people are trying to sell there.

I don't want a mental health issue down the street from me.

That's gonna be getting arrested here.

But do you think it's a sign though, you know, like when people are selling their house, if other people don't want it to sell, they like act like it's haunted or they like create a problem.

Maybe this is the universe being like, don't sell your house.

Be because I have Like, because it's not selling, I'm starting to like fall in love with my house again, And is this move really necessary?

Like I'm kind of at the point now where I think I'd be a little disappointed if it sells in time and I've got to move.

I hear that.

Yeah, I totally feel that I like love my house right now, Like I'm in a like phase of that I would be very sad to move.

Yeah, So I think maybe if if this doesn't sell, you know, I just needed to go through the what I have.

You're okay, We're getting a lot of those lessons lately, right.

We're getting a lot of those lessons that time of the universe Mercury retro grade is to teach.

Some mercuries and gatorade hard lessons.

Right, Well, let's talk about the honey don't screening I had a total blast, dude.

I had so much fun.

Okay, but listen, guys.

The best story to me, though, is you saying, what's before you guys if you weren't there.

So we had to do an intro.

I did my little spot, and then Melissa takes over, very gregarious, very used to being in front of a crowd, and and some you must have been feeling really confident because she looks out of the crowd and says, hey, guys, let's hear it from the listeners, and this is all you.

Can this is all you hear, like the dullest single.

When I and what's sick is that all our friends were there.

I know, and I'm like, hey, guys, remember when we put you on the list to get in.

I walked back to our row and I go, assholes, where were you guys?

Come on, dude, what the hell happened?

Dude?

It was so classics.

That was my favorite part.

But my story.

Let me just hang up the mic.

Now you guys go watch your free movie.

You guys, watch your free movie, assholes.

Also, Melissa and I in addition to that, then we get comfortable because now we're done with our part.

So I get a tub of popcorn.

We we eat the whole thing in probably thirty minutes.

So I look at her and I'm like, I'm gonna go get another tub.

We had two huge sodas, but you know, the popcorns are like a barrel of popcorn.

We ate an entire second tub.

That means you had a full tub.

And I had a full tub.

And every time my hand was in there, yours was in there.

And we were going, just going for it, just like I'm like, I didn't need dinner, so you know.

So I'm just gonna eat a tub of I's gonna eat.

A whole entire tub of popcorn.

But also during that movie, okay, I kind of was prepared a little bit because I've seen Fargo.

This movie is written by one of the writers of Fargo, Ethan Cohen, so I knew that we were in for something a little dark and a little.

Off the wall.

Yeah, and it was definitely those things.

But I have to speak to the sex scenes.

They were goodly.

Ship yep, Like I was sitting there, like, why am I sitting between two friends right now?

I know what the hell?

Especially me barrel.

Oh, I don't look at me.

My sister, my sister, and you're like laying down.

I know, REPLI was really nice.

I knowling seat.

Also when you came back from getting popcorn and you reclined the seat again of quiet during.

The movie, and then I just started gobbling down popcorn.

I did not care.

I don't know, you know, like after you do something kind of stressful, you're like just like enjoy your life.

Like that's how I felt.

We were stress eating.

We were stress eating.

Well.

I thought it went really well, and there was, you know, not an empty seat in that theater.

I already appreciated that it was not all just lesbian, so I think there was some like maybe some Fargo fans in there that were excited for the movie too.

So it's now in theaters, so if you guys want to see it, it's wide release everywhere.

Aubrey Plaza, Margaret Qually.

The movie is called Honey Don't it's a good gay movie.

Yeah, it's And it's short.

It was perfect for my ADHD so I.

Know, right Jesus, Yeah, I will say.

A little too short, like I won't say anything more than that, but I felt a little bit like cheat.

It could have been about fifteen minutes longer.

Okay, just in my opinion, But.

Other than that, I could.

Top tier Harbury Plaza, Margaret Quality, am I saying her name right?

Yeah, the sex scenes.

I know they were great.

If it would have gone.

We finished our tub right at the end, so it's kind of like the second tub, so I think probably it did end on time.

We did not need more pop no, I mean, and I.

Would have gone back out.

Like at that point, I was just like eating for fun because it's like you're just slurping down soda and like just eating popcorn.

The only thing that I typically do in a movie, I just never go but is I get peanut m and m's and pour them in the popcorn.

Ooh, is a good thing.

And I kind of forgot.

We could have had our protein.

We could have had our protein.

It would have been a very balanced dinner at that point.

Let me tell you something.

Also, when I went out to get the second tub, I ran into kt out in the lobby.

She was hanging out and I'm walking out with the empty tub about to get a second tub, and she literally says, you don't want to do that, trust me, you don't want to do that.

I'm like, Oh, I'm doing it.

I'm definitely doing it, but not because she doesn't want me to have the fat.

She thought it was going to be like make me sick.

Oh, no problem.

Listen tonight.

I'm sad you're not coming to book club.

I am making homemade tortilla soup like, got the recipe, chicken, like the whole thing.

Damn, that is tempting, Kohita cheese.

You know, I went out last night.

I went to Atlanta last night and went to Campanolo for Anna's sixty fifth birthday.

Amazing, she looks so Yeah.

Yeah, it was a great time.

But I am sad that I'm missing book club and I but also I haven't read the book.

Oh that's okay.

But the book is really good.

If you get a chance, get it, and if for you get it on an audible, listen to it.

Yeah.

That's what a few people were saying last night, is that the audible version is really really good.

Yeah, it was great.

Well, I actually read it in the book, but I also got the audible because I was running out of time and I was worried.

But I did finish it.

It's fantastic.

The book is atmosphere if anybody wants to read a gay love story.

And that's by the same author as that Seven Husbands.

And Daisy and the Six Yeah yeah, same author and Malibu Rising, same author.

Oh nice, they're.

Not all gay.

But anyway, Yeah, it was a great book.

I loved it.

Very cool.

All right, well we better get into it.

Speaking of gay, speaking of gay.

Let's be gay.

Let's be gay crazy.

Also, you guys, listen, another quick thing.

We are going to start adding videos to YouTube little by little for extra content.

So if you haven't checked out our YouTube channel, please check it out.

They just go to Lesbian Chronicles on YouTube, right, Melissa.

Right, yeah, search for Lesbian Chronicles on YouTube.

We already have a pretty established YouTube channel, like eight hundred ish subscribers, but we could definitely use more, so subscribe to us.

Yeah, please from We used to post videos a few years ago and it just kind of was like a lot.

It's very tedious, you know.

So now we're going to start posting just a little bonus content like eight to ten fifteen minute videos just kind of talking more, sharing a little bit more too about our personal stories of coming out.

So definitely check it out.

And yeah, and we're learning the equipment.

We're learning the equipment to do it, so it's going to get better and better.

Yeah, like once again, we're technically chating, we're technically challenging, and you know.

I may have a degree in communications, it's still.

It's always changing, it's ever evolving.

October eighteenth, If you live in Seattle, even if you don't live in Seattle, please come to the Lesbian Chronicles live event.

We've got a really kick ass guest that we just confirmed yesterday.

I can tell she's going to be killer, and I just I think it's going to be a ton of fun.

I think you're gonna meet a ton of cool women and we're gonna have an after party and it's in the gighborhood of Seattle.

Yeah, I'm so excited.

I'm so excited to explore Seattle a little a little bit and like meet some new people, and it's gonna be a great weekend.

It's not just the live event that we're doing on Saturday.

We're gonna do some stuff on Friday on Friday night.

And also the event Saturday is not just like, uh, come hang out with us and listen to us talk like we're actually going you guys can mingle.

We're gonna have a party afterwards with the DJ.

So you're gonna get your money's worth on this event, that's for sure.

And yeah, it's not just gonna be us talking.

It's gonna be we have a guest, and it's going to be a lot more than that.

So please come Lesbian Chronicles Live Event.

You can get tickets in our Instagram, bio or on our website.

Yeah, it's very easy through event, right, so super duper simple.

YEP, and DMS if you have any questions about it, but otherwise just get tickets.

Yeah, all right, moving on, moving on, moving.

On to.

So today we're talking about like somebody wrote in about how they were worried that they missed out on somebody really great because they just weren't ready, like they weren't in a space to like be in this relationship and they were feeling like, you know, I'm not ready and so I'm missing out on this person.

Also everyone thinks I'm a jerk because they liked me so much and I like wasn't able to match the energy.

And it was basically the person was saying A, I'm scared of missing out on this person.

B I'm being, you know, kind of villainized in my friend group because people think I'm like a bad person because I couldn't show up the way that I needed to show up in this relationship.

And it made me think of this guy who I've said, I can never remember his name, but he's I've seen a lot of stuff by him where he talks about like, relations aren't aren't just about like meeting someone and liking them.

There's so many other factors as far.

Is just like timing, location, where you are in your life that have to line up.

It's not just like, oh I think you're cool, I'm cool, we have good chemistry, let's fall in love.

There's like a lot of other logistical things that are boring, but they're real, and so I think a lot of times it is hard to meet someone who's where you are, not only in the world but also time will like you know, where they are in their life, whether they've their kids are grown or not grown, or whether they're working on their career, whatever the case may be.

They're married.

You know, sometimes you meet people that are in a relationship that you think, wow, I would have probably been interested in you if we were single.

You know, like I think people are at all different stages at all different times, and it's kind of alchemy when two people come together at the right time and can match each other's energy.

Yeah, and I think sometimes too, you know, one person is very ready, they they're healed, they're free of past relationships, and then the other person.

Hasn't done that therapy that they need to the process.

Or maybe they're in the process.

They're in the process.

Yeah, and I think that is probably one of the I would say one of the biggest things that I see personally in relationships.

And this goes for like lesbians, gay men, straight people.

Like the whole nine.

I think so often, well, we talk about this a lot, where people are just kind of relationship jumping, you know, they're not taking time to heal from the past thing.

They're just looking for the next best thing because it helps them feel better pretty much immediately and it's easier than doing the work.

Let's be real.

But I think that's also just like where.

So much conflict arises in relationships is that like one person is just not in the same place as the other person.

It happens all I mean, I'm thinking about even like in our not just the email we got, but like, look around at our immediate people that we know in the community.

There's so many times that happens.

You have one person who's ready, one person who really isn't.

It happens all the time.

Yeah, And to your point of like doing the work, you can be doing the work.

Sometimes it takes a year.

Sometimes it takes six months.

It's like you might be in process and you're still trying to just like move on quote unquote, and sometimes it's too soon.

Yeah.

And you know, that's one thing that doctor Jamie had said to me a few years ago because I started dating someone who was very fresh out of a relationship and I wasn't sure if I should move forward with that person because it was just kind of like that feels like a lot to process, and I don't know.

She's still picking up bikes from the excess house, right.

She's still picking up bikes.

And it was like Jamie told me, She's like, no, like you can heal in a relationship.

You know that being in that relationship can be healing because it's kind of like giving that other person showing them how it can be different, you know, And I think that that is definitely true.

But I also think it matters as far as like how how dedicated that person is to moving on right right?

Yeah, like what space in their own heart, like if you're really quiet, you know, yeah, you know.

And I think I often think about peaks and valleys.

It's like they're moments maybe you feel like you're ready, and then you you realize you're not ready, Like it's you know, so it could be that to the woman who emailed, like you probably felt at some point it's like, yeah, I am, and then it's like, no, I'm not.

Well, it's kind of like waiting for a train to come, you know.

And let's say you don't know when the next train's coming.

Like I feel like that happens a lot, you know with you know, when I was in New York City.

Yeah, like trying to catch the subway.

You're like, okay, that to the train, when's the next one coming?

Yeah?

And once it comes, it's like this urgency like I got to get on it.

Yeah on this train, who knows when the next one.

That's a good analogy, and I think that is how it feels when like this really great person presents themselves in your life and you're like, well, I'm not quite ready.

But also if I don't get on this fucking train right now, it's gone, someone else is gonna get on that train.

Both ways can be are valid, and both can work.

You know, it can work to go and get on the train and really try hard.

But you, like I said, you have to be dedicated to that healing and you have to be with someone who understands that healing proce.

Yes, Like I know, in my relationship with the person that was healing, I thought it was going to happen faster, like not gonna lie.

I thought it was gonna be something that you know, took a few months and wouldn't come up anymore, And then it was still coming up, and then you start getting personally offended because you're like, why am I not fixing it?

And with me that I'm not me.

Yeah, and so it's it can mess with your mental health.

You really have to be in a strong position mentally to handle that and to know like when to not take it personally that they're still upset over this thing.

Right, And I think also like there's no to the to the train analogy.

That's such a great analogy, but there's also not.

I think some people go through life thinking, oh, they've got this one person, and it's like, if I don't, this is the one, and now I've missed the one, And I think, like, that's also not true, Like I just don't believe that anymore.

I think when I married my husband, he was the one.

There's no doubt that was the right decision and he was the one.

But as my life moved through different seasons, there was a new one that was perfect for me at that stage.

And I want to be with someone for the rest of my life.

I'm not looking to date around.

I'm not looking to have like I want that everlasting thing.

But I guess if you do have a breakup, I think a lot of people spend a lot of time thinking, oh my god, I lost this one thing and I'll never be happy again.

And I think it's really important to know that when you're ready, there's lots of people that likely could fill and make you very happy again.

And I think we also have to look at relationships so differently.

You know, a lot of us with coming out later we met our ex husbands in our twenties, Yeah, and here we are trying to date again.

Fifteen years later, and it's a very different world that we're dating in.

We're dating where we have past traumas, we're carrying the weight of a divorce, we're carrying the weight of coming out later, We're taking care of kids we have, We're thick into careers.

Yeah, Bill Houses that were Yeah.

Yeah, And the careers take a lot more of our energy than back in when you're starting out.

You know, maybe at that time you were just at the bottom of the totem pole.

Now you're like a manager or whatever at your company, so you've got a lot more on your plate, and it doesn't allow the same bandwidth.

So true in your twenties.

Yeah, it's so true.

It's like I would just come home from work and be waiting for Chris to get home, and then we would meet and have dinner together and go walk.

I mean, it was like so easy.

Yeah, it's so true.

It's like it's so much harder now to like make the time to even have a connection with someone.

Absolutely, like if just to even hang out with friends.

Right now, I'm kind of like I can't get a book club tonight because I have my kids and like I can't do anything this weekend because I have my kids.

Right last night, I almost didn't go to that event because I was working until eight o'clock at night.

Yeah, so it's like, there are also other factors that you just don't they're not taking up your bandwidth.

I read this statistic, I don't I want to verify that it's true, but that same sex couples get have a higher divorce rate.

Then I've heard that, and the guy was saying that it's because they've had to live on the fringes, he said, their whole life, and so they've started to develop I guess, patterns of behavior to be able to thrive on the fringes.

And then when you bring that into a marriage, maybe your relationship looks different, you know, when you try to like almost like normalize.

At his point was we could learn a lot from gay marriages, and straight people could learn a lot, and gay people could learn a lot probably from straight marriages, Like there's something to be learned from both sides, but that potentially the higher divorce rate is because they've lived on the fringes always.

So it's like, so I.

Just googled this and it says lesbian marriages this is the AI overview on Google.

Okay, lesbian marriages have a significantly higher divorce rate around thirty four percent than heterosexual marriages, which are around nineteen percent.

That sounds really low.

That does sound lowse rate.

Conversely, gay male marriages tend to have a lower divorce rate than both lesbian and heterosexual marriages, with rates around sixteen to nineteen percent.

Those rates sound really low.

We got to dig into that, but I don't you know that that actually make validates how I've always felt, which is that when I left my marriage, I've said this so many times, like I felt like I left this safe thing and then I was pushed into this thing that felt scarier to me.

Because it's like I would ask my friends, like, who do you know that's been married over fifteen years in the lesbian community, and they would like think for a while before they could like rattle off a couple.

Oh well they did, But it's like this like unicorn thing versus like in my straight life they're all still married.

I mean maybe one right, And that bothers me, It does It bothers me too, because like I say, it's like that's what I want.

I want, Yeah, term I want say forever thing, and it's kind of scary that it is.

It seems so out of reach.

I don't know, but I also think that in general though, like hetero relationships are so different, Like.

The roles are so clear.

Yeah, the roles are clear.

That so many more people that are in that are straight they want.

The life in the suburbs.

I've always thought that this is a hindrance to me, the fact that I live in a suburb.

I live in a straight dominated suburb of Atlanta.

Where do you think I never wanted to live in the suburbs and I was straight.

I think it's more like you people with children gravitate to the suburbs, and so maybe they tend to be more straight.

Well yeah, you know what I mean, like like gay and lesbian couples in my city, but definitely in the minority.

Could it be the men stay together more because they're just more practical, like they're more like this, you know works, or I mean there are a lot of I've heard this could be totally wrong and I'm probably gonna catch hell, but that there's a demographic of gay men that are open to in relationships, but they still don't leave their partner like it's maybe that's the secret you know, secret sauce.

They get to go out and have their little fun things and they typically like sometimes they do that shit together.

So yeah, they're all involved, you know, bonding.

Right.

I cannot handle it.

My scorpio could not be rack.

I'd be so jealous.

But another thing to consider though, is like the financial implications, Like gay men men in general make more money.

Yeah, two gay men together, they're living in the life of fucking luxury.

Like there's actually this show on HBO Max called like something Frontier.

I can't remember exactly, but it's about people like going back and living as if it's like the eighteen hundreds.

Like oh shit, eighties or something, and like.

You know, in a rundown cabin, like getting your own water and food and going to the general store.

But there's a gay couple on there, gay guys, and they have two little boys and like their show them like in their real life, and it's like everything in this home is automated, like like it is like something else from the future that they live very it looks like the Jetson's house, you know, like they have money.

And I'm sitting here thinking, I'm like yeah, dude, if it's like two gay guys.

I really don't like that the lesbians are the highest divorce rate.

That fucking sucks.

And now I wonder too, And again, if anyone's mad at us for what we're saying right now, we're just going based off of like a quick Google search.

We're gonna dig in and get the facts.

We're gonna now, I'm saying this one says seventy two percent?

Is that what I said earlier?

You said thirty four?

I think thirty.

Four, and this thing says so that's wrong.

Okay.

Yeah.

Claims of accessively high divorce rates, such as seventy two percent rate for lesbian marriages are often misrepresentations of data and overlooked the impact of minority stress.

I don't really know what that means, but.

Maybe that's what the divorce attorney meant, like you're living on the fringes, so you.

Have us well, And I'm kind of wondering too, since gay marriage is pretty new and possibly going away, like is there something to be said about people deciding to get married too quickly because it was legalized and it's like, oh, yeah, let's do this.

I know, And also lesbians are romantic as fuck.

Oh my god, they away take me away, and I'm just gonna do it, spur.

Them all, Like, yeah, you know how many pictures have we seen of lesbian weddings.

It's just the two of.

Them and they're in the mountains and it's fucking stunningly beautiful.

Yeah, of course they want to get married.

Yeah, marry me.

Hell yeah, Like.

That's that's the answer right there too.

We're too rushed here.

We all want to it's the U haul.

It's the U haul, and they take it right into marriage.

But look at Hillary Clinton just posted something saying you better get married if you're gay, because it's going away.

So I thought the first thing I thought was, oh shit, all these people are going to like get married too soon.

Yeah that I mean seriously, maybe that is part of it, like.

Having that freedom to get married finally and being able to do it kind of and and on top of that our tendency to you haul, it's like, yeah, let's get married and then okay, like we get divorced, we get divorced.

Yeah she did say that, damn.

But do you know, for me, like I'm cautious about that kind of thing of like just running off and getting married because I know what it's.

Like to get divorced, ah at worst, and it's expensive.

Yeah, and come beyond that, it's so upsetting and it's so sad.

It's so sad, Like I just I yeah, I'm the same.

I'm so protective about that.

To me, it's like that's a huge deal period.

I agree, like it's something I never want to experience ever again.

No, so I'm very I'm very apprehensive about like getting married again, like I will not, you haul absolutely not.

It's also worth mentioning that a lot of our at least friends, I haven't heard this really in emails, but a lot of our friends will say that even when they got divorced from their husbands, they knew they were gay.

This happened to me.

I knew I was gay.

I go through the whole process.

Christ and I went to therapy.

We knew we were gonna end up divorce.

We nested for a year.

I still when I went in to do the divorce, was like, holy shit, what have I fucking done?

I'm so sad?

Why did I do this?

I mean, I felt that this sense of remorse of just like I couldn't pinpoint with the pain.

I was feeling like it felt like I had remorse.

I didn't, and I think, but it was you again, you feel like the train just left.

The train just left, and you are the dad, and now what have I done?

Yeah?

I mean I cried my eyes out divorce papers.

And it was such an unexpected emotion because again, like we've talked about, how going through that whole process of like separating, like having the conversation separating, and feeling like any moment now I'm gonna call my own bluff here.

Yeah, I'm not gonna go this.

I can't.

I can't do this.

Here I am in the lobby of the attorney's office.

It wasn't even like a formal thing.

Literally go in the lobby.

They put the papers on the reception desk and I signed the paperwork.

Tom had already signed it.

He was We didn't do it together, and it was like so uneventful.

Yeah, not that I thought that there was going to be like a party, confetti cannon's going off.

Yeah, but I remember walking out of there and I was just hit by all the emotions, Like I did it.

I finally fucking hit that big red button and it's over.

The big red button.

I never called my own bluff and now it's done.

Yeah, that's exactly how I felt.

In fact, I felt that to such an extent that that night when we went back, I hadn't moved out yet, or i'd moved out, but I was in a hotel because my house wasn't ready yet for me to move into, and I ended up calling him and being like, can I come lay with you?

Like I can't be by myself.

I missed you so much and I it was awful, Like, yeah, it was awful.

Yeah, I just I don't remember pain like that ever.

No, And I think that's one of those things that it feels like you don't.

Have permission to feel.

Yeah, you know, like I'm gay, I did this, this is my fault, like this is the price of admission, right, But it's such a real fucking feeling totally.

And I think that's why in my next long term relationship that I had after that, that when that imploded after six years, that was devastating because it brought up all the stuff from the original divorce, I think, and then magnified because it's a woman.

So now I'm in my true identity of who I am and I'm having all this loss again.

Like I think that I remember thinking like I can't do it again.

That kind of speaks too what you were saying earlier about being like two women are more emotional, And it's one hundred percent true.

Not only are we more emotional, but I'm more emotional with women than I ever was with saying men.

I could just brush it off whatever women, I'm like, I feel like I've been punched in the fucking throat.

One thing I've you and I talk a lot about, and I bet other people feel this way is when there's quiet or when there's like like right now your post breakup and there's a void right now that you are, you're creating stories about maybe what's happening because you don't have contact with that person anymore.

Yeah, And I think that's common, and so it just fuels this just the lack of information and the lack of like now you're not together, it fuels your anxiety and kind of absolute devastation in some way, like your brain goes wild, Yeah, because you start making up stories.

There's so many things that come up.

You know, I feel very unheard, which triggers my childhood wounding.

Not being heard by my my family and even by gosh.

I was just talking to my mom about this the other day of like being accused of cheating when I was like in the first grade and I have not cheated, and that fucking teacher wouldn't listen to me.

Like I feel like that little kid.

Yeah, injustice, injustice, and like just not being able to be understood or heard really fucking sucks.

Our brains are so fucking weird, you know.

It's like you know the facts, you know the reality, right everything, but then your brain will be like, well fuck you.

Yeah, right exactly because you're too in it.

It's like if you could zoom out or I love what you say about Like if you were in a movie, what would they what would the audience be screaming for you to do?

And I think, like that's so true.

It's like when you're in it, you don't know, don't exactly the letter I sent I sent Melissa this like a text the other day that was this Instagram post of this guy sharing with his friend what he had texted this woman.

And it's this long thing that's just like I really care about you.

I mean, it just goes on and on and his friend is like cringing.

He's like, dude, please tell me you didn't send that.

That's how I feel with Melissa sometimes guilty.

I'm like, I'm like, dude, please tell me you did not hit send on that.

So I hand wrote a letter.

It's of this too.

It's the FAA.

It is totally the It's like, put the phone down.

Stop conversation with myself.

Yeah, you know, but you're two in it.

You gotta zoom out or you got to have somebody who's like totally rooting for you, be like this is the next move man, Like, don't do it.

You know what I started doing that's helpful.

I've created like a new new journal where I just write down the things that I wish I could say, Okay, and like day by day, like this is what I wish.

I could say and how I feel, and then I.

Just leave it so that way we don't have to have that scenario where you send it.

Yeah.

Like I think that was a clip from a reality show.

I think that was like one of those Tom sand of all somethings that you sent me.

That clip from that was like an actual thing that happened.

I was dying it was so relatable.

God, God, damn.

I know you can't help it.

No, because you're alone with the fields.

It's tough, and I'm sober.

I can't even like blame it.

I'm like, I was drinking.

How long is this thing going?

Sober?

You know?

I was just thinking about that.

I'm not quite sure because I am DJing next week, yeah, and I feel like I might need a little bit of liquid courage to do a little nervous about it.

Also, if you notice on the little flyer thing that we made, I made our friend change my name from being DJ Melissa to just say beats by Melissa Rainey, Like I don't, I.

Don't, I don't want to.

Let's not get it out of ourselves here.

I think you got you got so.

Anyway that that being said, that would be thirty days.

I think without drinking.

Okay, So, but I also might try to.

See if I can go a little farther into fifty days.

We'll see that'll that would land me right around the Shaky Knees festival.

But uh, I was thinking it'd be.

Good to not drink during that actually, because like alcohol is really expensive at music festivals.

So do you ever I think like I don't.

I don't necessarily agree with this, but i'm and I'm not calling you out.

I'm just curious what you would say, because people say like, people who don't have drinking problems don't make rules about drinking.

No, I've heard that before.

I don't have any rules about drinking.

I don't even think about it.

It doesn't even occur to me to drink or not drink.

I just drink.

If I want to drink, don't drink.

If I don't want to drink.

I don't like to feel bad.

I don't like to feel out of control.

I don't like to slur my words.

So I just don't drink that much inherently, But I like to drink.

Tonight at book club, I'll drink a little bit.

If I went out to watch the sunset, I would love to have a drink, Like, I don't have any rules around drinking.

I've never done a dry period ever.

So what would you say to someone like me, like would how would I benefit from doing what you're doing?

I mean, well, you're right, your drink you the way that you drink is different than the way that I drink.

Though, Okay, Like I think I tend to drink more.

My tolerance is very.

High, Okay.

I I had my very first drink I think when I was like fourteen or fifteen, so I was very young.

Now I didn't drink like consistently from then on out.

That was just like me trying it.

I didn't really start drinking drinking until probably like college.

But all that to say, I just found that sometimes when I'm in a relationship, it's hard to not like you almost drink more, yeah, you know, because you're doing someone so so many more things.

I also was feeling my anxiety.

Increase, okay a lot from the drinking.

From the drinking, I was realizing that like, okay, I'm already anxious about this breakup and that we're not talking.

And then if I like, the drinking kind of was like it helps you kind of numb and forget and check out, but then it was like the next day the anxiety would be like even more so, so I just kind of realized, like I'm thinking I'm.

Making my anxiety worse, you know, Yeah, so little break there.

To reset the anxiety and just to reset drinking habits in general, you know, like not let it be this thing that I always reach for.

And it's been kind of like nice because even going to the movie the other night, it's not very frequent that they serve alcoholic movies, you know, So that's not like a thing that I like associate drinking with.

But I'm sure that if I was drinking at that time, I probably would have gone and gotten a drink.

But can I I'm so curious around, Like, to me, if I'm sitting in a movie relaxing, I'm not talking to anybody, why would I rather have, Like a diet coke tastes better to me than a Miller Lite.

Yeah, so why wouldn't aren't I going to get the diet coke?

Just because I don't?

Why would I want to drink something?

Yeah, soda and popcorn the other night was delicious.

Car Yeah, like it was really good.

I had it, but like a beer would have ruined it.

Yeah, I agree, And that's just it.

It's kind of like doing the sobriety thing where I actually have that rule in place kind of helps me to have like a bigger picture idea on like maybe being more choosy about the times that I do drink.

Got it?

You know, Like so from here on out, I'm kind of like, why would I want to drink to see a movie?

Yeah, that feels so wasted.

No punitending the.

At Campanolo, I was dancing and having a great time, completely sober.

I know someone I actually I know that it does mess with your like drinking makes you more relaxed so you can do things.

But somebody did say that, like we've been told that, Like it's not true, Like you can have just as much fun not drinking, but it does, I lower your inhibitions, we know.

And I think like when I did my sobriety break a few years ago for fifty days, I don't think.

I would have been out dancing.

Yeah, so I would have been comfortable dancing.

Yeah, I would have never done karaoke sober.

I did that the other week.

Yeah, you know.

So I think there's part of me too that wants to test.

Yeah.

And also, I mean one of the reasons why I drank so much previously was because I was masking the fact that I was gay and trying to survive.

That's life, and that was my crutch with being intimate with my ex husband.

And that really sucks to say, but it's true.

And I've heard from a lot of people that do the same thing, you know, and like the I'm sure you've heard this, Like people always like, well, if you're so gay, how are you having sex with a man on a regular basis and you have two children as a result, And it's like alcohol and.

Even without I was gay the whole time, and I did it sober.

You know, I didn't even hate it, like it just it's not my preference.

But yeah, I mean it felt like a chore.

It just felt but it felt like what every single straight friend I have says about sex.

With their husband exactly so.

And that was another confusing part because I remember talking to my friends about that, and like, out of the group of I think there was four of us having this discussion, only one was like, no, I love it, I love it, I want to do it, you know all those things.

Everybody else was like it just feels like, no, that.

I have this thing that I have to do.

I will say yeah, Like as I in my long term relationship, I felt I had so much love and closeness with her because I'm gay and now I'm with this woman over a long period of time that it was got so good and it got better and better and better, and like my marriage that it got like not as good, not as good with her, it was just like year five was better than year one and year one was fucking awesome.

Yeah, so I think like.

That happens and gay, like you just get so close to.

Someone, right, and on top of that, like the experiences that I've had with women are so much more intimate and connected and like there's just this chemistry that I never could feel with a man.

Yeah, like this poll you know where I'm like, I've got to fucking have this right, and you want to look at each other during sex, like and that was something that I was I like would avoid eye contact, you know, I just didn't.

I just like little things that are like intimate to me that aren't about sex, but like getting ready, Like I don't remember ever caring what Chris thought even in the beginning about what I was wearing.

I wore whatever I wanted.

But in my partnership, I remember like dressing in some ways for her because I wanted to.

I wanted her to like what I'm wearing.

Absolutely, So that's that is me to a tea.

Like every time I've been with a woman, I'm like, what are you wearing I want to like match kind of like what yeah, and like what do you think about what I'm wearing?

Like, yeah, are my options?

Tell me what we should choose?

Yeah?

And I never did.

That, Oh, oh my god, never, it didn't even occur.

Maybe if we were going to a wedding, yeah, I wanted to, like, you know, but on a regular date night.

No, no, it didn't even occur to me.

But now it's like, what would she want to see me in?

Do you think more about what you're wearing?

Just in general too?

Now I don't know, like I've got I'm in this phase of like immense comfort with what I'm wearing, So I feel like i'm sort of if I'm thinking about what I'm wearing, I'm thinking about how can I be the most comfortable as possible.

I thought you're gonna say the most gay.

Sometimes a little gay.

Although I did just buy a pair of jeans that are pretty fem oh really yeah.

Yeah, they're kind of like high waisted but tighter and then shorter to wear with like heels or boots.

We'll see, we'll see when I bust them out.

I mean, you can it look masculine and heels.

Yeah, you know what, someone let me tell a friend of the pod, a friend of the pod, and you'll know who you are when I tell the story.

But she's like, you know, and she's fem but she was like, you know, now, anytime I try to dress them, I guess she's like, like me, she's kind of starting to be more masculine.

She's like, whenever I try to dress them, I just feel like missus doubtfire.

So that's such a good comparison.

It totally is like.

Yeah, because it's like we've talked about this a lot of like how things shift over the years.

And I were dressed in my brother's wedding like just a couple of years ago.

But now I'm like, if I showed up in a dress, maybe I should just do this to fuck with you guys.

Do it and show up wearing like the floral dress that I wore to my brother.

My god, let's spoke, Oh my god, we should totally do that and surprise our friends.

They would die.

Let's do this.

I'm down.

We can have our real clothes in the closet.

Yeah, and be ready, but just like ready, have them show up at my place and we're like, ready to intercept in floral dresses.

And we can we can do our girly walks.

Yes, and them we are clop clop.

On that note, I guess this is a wrap.

I love it.

We'll see if people actually listen to our full episodes.

Our friends with the one clap God.

Yeah, let's give a shout out though to Robin for clapping.

Robin was a one clapper.

And then Mandy says she was also clapping, but in unison, so we couldn't tell it was two people.

I think Lindsay claims the same.

Lindsay was not clapping because I was watching her and she was sitting by me.

So when we were in the up front, no, but.

I like, when I walked back there, I looked at her, I'm like, what, what the hell, asshole, why weren't you clapping?

And she's like, sorry, sorry.

My hands were busy at the movie theater.

I just couldn't even believe it.

That is a god damn it, guys.

But it was also like, brave, why did you ask the crowd that.

I'm like that, It's like asking people if you look your age.

Of our job is to hype up the crowd for the movie.

Where are the listeners that you should have been like?

Where the Aubrey play as a fans at.

Oh my god, I at least got to laugh when I said that everybody that walked in because it was raining in Atlanta and the traffic was really bad, that everyone who walked in looked like they had just gotten back from war.

So I was proud of myself with that one.

That was good.

You were great.

You were great.

You really are good in those situations.

You did great too.

We're gonna push you right to the front every time.

All right, guys, it's been a pleasure, and get your tickets.

Yeah, Seattle, October eighteenth.

Yes, we can't wait to meet you there.

Hi, Hi.

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