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Okay, we are back for another episode of Live Coaching, and Robert has come back.

He did not run away, He did not run streaming since the last.

Yeah, I mean I must say today I'm a bit more anxious about the all scenario, more like what am I doing?

But I'm here?

Yeah, I'm here.

Yeah, she's showed up, he's like on there, And it does that anxiety because, uh, you know more of what you're in for, or you're worried about what questions am I ask?

Or why do you think you why do you feel more anxious?

All right, Yeah, it's nothing to do with what you might bring up.

We'll talk about.

It's just more about I think the public spotlight kind of side of it.

When I saw the episode release this morning, well this morning for me with my name on it?

You want me to take your name off?

No, No, it's fine, I don't leave it there.

That's completely fine.

It was just a bit more real, I suppose.

Sorry, Tanya, I'm actually just gonna pop my headphones in if that's okay, because well, you can't hear the rain.

I can't hear you very well because of the rain.

So got it, got it.

Robert is currently sitting in his car in the rain and putting on his headphone.

So he can be pressed, so I can perfect right.

Yeah, I know, there's nothing like yeah in an abstract All of a sudden, it's like wait, wow, And how many people over the world listened to yeah?

All over just all over the world.

Yeah, just all over the world.

But no, I'm good, I'm good.

I'm ready.

Okay, all right, So what has been going on since last time?

What any revelations, any changes, like any insights like catch us up?

Okay, Well, the main thing that you left me with was about leaning in.

Yeah, and I apologies.

I'm a little bit adhd as well, So when there's other sounds going on, I get a little bit distracted.

The rain is like my brain's just like.

Rain, right, like yes, question, rain, question rain.

So the leaning in thing you said to try to practice leaning in, Yeah, and it's going to look at ways that I could do that.

And I sort of sat with that for a day or two but then I kind of remembered the other thing that you said, which was that I already am leaning you in certain ways.

Yeah, and that that really made a lot of sense to me, and I was I guess that was a really big realization and something that was quite like helpful and positive for me was to recognize, Wow, actually, no, I really do lean in.

In fact, I lean in really aggressively, just in certain like sort of a little too much, but just in certain sort of ways, like in certain areas of my life.

So that was kind of nice.

It was nice and validating.

I think it kind of got me to focus on leaning and even more in that way and kind of kind of like turn my energy towards that, if that makes sense.

Yeah.

So yeah, because you but you said something like, oh, sometimes too much, like leaning in too much?

But is there such a thing as leaning in too much?

I don't think.

I don't think so.

I don't think so well, uncomfortable for some people.

I mean, just because else is uncomfortable, it doesn't mean you're leaning in too much.

Yeah, I feel like all day every day, particularly because I've got a therapist to see regularly.

I do like meditation and I'm like quite so, trying really hard to go down the spiritual path, and that to me is about truth and I think that's where I really try to lean in, to lean into what's real, and lean into my vulnerabilities and really challenge myself and put myself on my own edges all the time.

But that isn't necessarily about relationships.

It's just about me and life and my relationship with life itself.

But when I guess too much will probably just be sometimes I think the intensity of that kind of it be quite confronting, or bubbles a little bit.

Mm hmm, would be kind of like an habitual sort of bubble burst.

I don't know anything about that.

Yeah, I'll just leave with that.

Well.

I mean, when it comes to relationships, whether it's friendships or partnerships, romance, you have to lean into what it is you are.

I mean, the average couple takes seven years to get really real, seven years to totally reveal the stuff.

Yeah, that is flat out ridiculous.

Which I guess just feels like a weird game to me, Like I'm not really interested.

In that, right, But why do people do that?

I mean obviously it Yeah, everything.

It's either fear or not so there's only two things, scared or not scared.

That's pretty soon.

When you ask me that, I mean, obviously straight out I was like it, but then I was trying to think of I'm more complicated.

Yeah, I mean everything boils down vulnerable.

Yeah, exactly, everything boils down to what are you scared of?

Or you know that type of thing.

And I told you before we got recorded, I'm in a new relationship, and so it's been interesting for me because it's been eight years I've been turning people down and not getting involved, and it's interesting to me to figure out who am I now in relationship because it's been long enough, I can't say I am who I was.

So I'm actually like, I feel like I'm seventeen.

It's been eight years of celibacy, eight years of not dating anybody or whatever, and I feel like, Wow, there are some places I'm really freaking like shy and scared and weird, and it feels really strange because I'm sixty three.

I'm really damn experienced.

Yes, for those of you who think women are sluts, I would be one of those.

I've had a lot of sex, I mean a lot of a lot of sex, Okay, say that again.

Yeah, right, and so sex, yeah, a lot of sex exactly.

And so it seems really strange to me that in this new experience time passing, I don't really know who I am.

And I think if we showed up present to each version of who we are now, yeah, we'd stand better chances.

Yeah, I mean that was the other aspect of why people don't time reveal themselves, probably don't know themselves or not to be able to do that.

Yeah, I mean it's not just about revealing yourself to someone else, but else revealing yourself to yourself absolutely.

Yeah, together allow these pots to come out.

Yeah.

Yeah, and I know myself really really damn well.

I mean that's the one thing I do.

But I don't know myself now in the dynamic of.

Changes.

So when we go to heal, we can heal on our own.

But then once there's a dynamic happening now we uncover all the other places.

Sure.

Yeah, Okay, when last we left, there was the X what's yeah, that's transpired in the last couple of so.

Much was transpired, but actually, uh, it was all around.

I mean I'd like this whole this whole thing is exactly what I've been trying to work on, yeah, throughout four years with my therapist, which is just about trying to have an appreciation who I am, trying to sit in that truth and doing it with an open heart as well.

Yeah.

So yeah, what's transferred with that is I ended up having a couple of further conversations with her and was able to sit in that place of book like this is who I am, these are my means, I'm open and we just didn't we just missed each other massive, Yeah, and then the decision was that that was that was it.

It's been it's a lot been a lot more messy of the process than that.

But that certainly was a big thing for me.

I guess speaking about my experience was like my capacity to sit in myself and my means without thinking that I'm wrong.

Yeah, but also also with an open heart as well.

So yeah, that was a good step and that shifted something in me and now I feel more comfortable with the idea of moving on and letting go.

Yeah.

But yeah, certainly everything that we spoke about last time about, uh, I guess the toxicity of the dynamic, Yeah, it was was helpful to remind me that that was also a real part of it.

Yeah, exactly, it was a it was a massive part of it.

And as I've just been living off this fantasy about, you know, maybe it'd be different or better, the last conversation revealed that that dynamic just is, you know, just it doesn't matter how much and you know, vulnerable and realne It's.

Well, you said something that I think is really important to clarify is that, you know, open heart is really important to you, Like you say it a lot, that's clearly important to you.

But an open heart does not mean accept all the crap that somebody is giving you.

It does not, right not mean put your comp passion for them over your compassion for yourself exactly.

Yeah.

Yeah, and that's that's the true open diving trying to accomplish is not just opening to them, but as well, it's the whole thing.

Yeah.

Yeah, and it should be open heart to you first and then to somebody else.

Yeah.

So, in this relationship that I'm having, he's having to make these big decisions about a job that he wants to take, and what I started to feel see him kind of spin up with this idea of urgency, and I realized because he is not just a he's not just thinking about himself.

He's thinking about me, he's thinking about his mentor, he's thinking about other people.

So he has this whole group he's thinking and contemplating of not letting anybody down, not disappointing anybody, making sure he doesn't over promise.

And that was causing this urgency.

And so I basically said, you know what, nobody to consider a but you, I and everybody else comes after you sit in your personal container of decision making.

Yeah, your truth first, then you can see how it fits with other people.

Which is better for them as well.

Right, that's better for everybody, of course.

Yeah, I am.

I think that that's this is that's the phase of my life.

I trying to which I've never really done.

Yeah, well if you can't, it's like if people can't remember this, it's really easy.

Put your own oscars and mask on first, Yeah, right, because you're no good to anybody when you're bleeding out, Yeah, trying to save somebody's life.

Yeah, but we do it all the time, especially if your sense of openhearted, you're caring.

Then you think that that but what that translates to is a victim and a martyr.

As in I'm the victim and mutter or yeah yeah.

That's not it's not pretty.

Yeah, you end up as a victim, and then you can end up as a martyr like I'm just gonna sacrifice myself here for the better.

Oh yeah, I know those vibes.

Yeah, yeah, So I mean I feel like I'm in an opportunity now in my life where I can I can do the thing about it's myself, it's my truth and starting with me.

Yeah, and I suppose those are the things that I'd really love to open up with you, Yeah, just about like how how can I do that when there's so many things that want to pull me away, for example, sexual desire and emotional yearning and leads, intimacy and all these sorts of things that and I guess spose shameles part of that, the things that make me feel like, at subtle levels, I want to sacrifice who I am or my truth or truth the situation so I can get those things.

Yeah.

Yeah, And that's always been my pattern, which has led me to not be able to actually see in my own yeah truth in my own pot which I just can't dance to do anymore.

It's you know, it's fox me up so much when I do.

So most of what I do, my all my coaching centers around practices that I teach people to be able to be their own lover, best lover, their own best, confident, their own best, filler of whatever is empty in them, and somatically be able to really exist solo if needed.

I mean, eight years of Selvis did not mean I didn't have a sex life.

I have a great size life with myself.

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean it's like that, you know that.

And there's these you know, cut of like skin every wake up every morning.

And the first thing I do other than gratitude for being alive, is a self pleasuring technique which isn't about masturbation.

It's about touching my entire body in reverence, right, because my subconscious mind and my nervous system doesn't know.

If I treat it like my body's sacred and I'm enjoying the touch, both from the hand touching and the skin being touched, then basically I'm filling up those chemistry, that neurochemistry that needs touch, right.

And then from there it's like, yeah, do you run your own sexual arousal if being aroused is frustrating.

Then you need to build your capacity for pleasure.

If your heart is lonely and yearning and empty.

The worst time we ever make relationship decisions is when we're empty.

We're just like, Yeah, I was on a call coaching call with a client today and he was he just this woman and they spent an amazing, like whole day together, like from the eighty eight a m.

In the morning until ten thirty at night.

The first date was like extraordinary.

They just you know, made out and stuff.

He had already put in the not going to have sex on the on the first date.

That's one of the things I was telling everybody, don't do that.

So but chemistry dope.

I mean, woo, everything's great, hot, blah blah blah.

And you got on a call with me.

The first thing I said was you should have cut that date short.

And he goes, what do you mean?

And I said, you guys, you built this whole chemical dopamine soup the least no critical thinking behind, and all you're thinking about is making heavy sex again or that.

So he had planned this big long sex date for this weekend and I'm like no, because he said to me she filled me up, and I'm like, yeah, danger zone.

Yeah.

So when you're thinking yeah, yeah, I mean I'm on these edges now, I think what's what's happening for me is the pain of me not being able to embrace myself for love myself is starting to get more painful.

Then, I guess being alone or you know, that seems there's always for me.

There's always been like a compromise between like self sacrificing myself and my truth so I can get external love, yes, but then I lose it internally yes, ah yeah, anyway, So I'm just with the pain of that, the pain of not being able to embrace myself, feeling like lack of integrity or lack of connectiveness myself.

It's killing me, Yeah, killing you know.

And I don't want it to be one or the other.

Ye know.

There's a belief, there's a belief that if I, if I select yourself, I will be lonely.

Well, I was going to say, I noticed that you had an either or instead of an and both.

Yeah, exactly.

I mean that's the story that I'm battling you because there's the cool belief that's to select myself to be myself or whatever innately will push away.

It's not what people want or whatever.

You know, have you ever tested that theory?

Not, so you have no data totally, I mean not in like a real way, you know.

And truth is a difficult, complicated, deep thing.

I mean like it's just been a process of learning.

What is my truth?

Which is such a thing, such a fire out question?

For truth is a logical Truth is a logic concept.

And the worst part of ever learning about ourselves is our brain.

So I'll take you right now.

Knowledge is in the head, mastery is in the being.

You will never find your truth in your head.

Right.

So the first thing is that we get out of our heads and we stop asking questions from our head.

We ask questions from our body.

What does our body feel like?

How do you feel when you're lonely?

Where does it hurt?

Where does it ache?

Where do you have sensations in your body?

Yeah, he's pointing to the middle of his chest.

Yeah, absolutely, yeah, exactly.

So then how do you feel that without somebody else?

You take a breath, you put your hands over that area, and you literally breathe into your hands and you expand.

Yeah, you inhale, and you exhale and you feel the expansion of that ache, so that you're pushing against the ache that physically feel like it's squeezing.

That's what an ake usually feels like, and you're expanding it.

Yeah.

Right, So when you identify where in your body you feel lonely, desperate, sad and incomplete anywhere in your body, and then you put your hands to that space and you bring expansion to that space, you're filling it up, and we're both doing the exercise together.

For those of you who are listening, you know, I like that.

Past that voice that believes that that's not real, it's not.

Well, I simply by simply doing the thing and finding out the data works, just the practice, right, So I teach these things called the practice.

I have a book about healing unresolved trauma, right, heal unresolved, Yeah, exactly.

And in the book, I've got these some of these practices that are safe for everybody if they're not coaching with me one on one, they're safe to do on your own.

And what I say is basically, you just have to do them.

And when you do them, your body everything starts changing and your brain will go oh well, clearly this works because you know, I mean, yeah, I can't, because I can't convince your something works until you have data, and you can't data until you do it.

That makes sense.

I've actually started one of the practices I overheard in one of the episodes.

Yeah, it's the one way where I place my hand on my heart and one of my.

Kennedy Yeah, so the static hold.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I've experimented a little bit with the self pleasuring thing, and that actually has been really interesting and profound, honestly, yeah, profound and actually yeah, I mean the biggest profound part is just how nice it felt.

So I'm yeah, I said that.

I actually, if you're interested, I just wanted to share last night.

Maybe I want to share the details, but just what happens, Yeah, please do.

I just noticed that as I did the exercise, how often, you know, my issue in the past has been like addiction to torn and things like that, which I know is very common with men.

So like a lot of my sexualities trained into external, predectable fantasies.

I just noticed like almost like appealing back of layers last night, where I was taken back into my childhood experience of sexuality and it's a little bit vulnerable so much for as a lot of we traumas and stuff like that, but it was interesting to notice how like it was like a lay is being feeled back, and then all of a sudden something that I having having thought about the views as it has a tunneler as a fantasy, suddenly came out really strongly and I immediately died in right, yeah, yeah, And then I had to catch for myself and be like, hang on, Robert, like this is actually interesting, like what's happening here?

Like why is this?

Yeah, so I'm not sure if that's something to be expected, but it seems to be.

Yeah, well what happens is as that.

But I loved how you explain that.

So you're doing this self pleasuring technique and things feel like they're peeling back, and all of a sudden, probably right as you're about to get like more vulnerable, your brain takes over and says, here's something to focus on, So shift your awareness out of your body where things could be getting really uncomfortable and real and off to projection.

Yeah, that is common in sexual trauma.

That will distract ourselves right from what's actually happening in our body.

With a projection.

Yeah, that was interesting.

Yeah, so revisiting that, like just staying present with that if it comes up, and bringing yourself back saying okay, I went there.

Now let me just bring myself back to presence, because the whole thing about self pleasuring is to stay in the sensation your body is having and not where your mind wants to.

Take you, right, Yeah, and even.

Yeah, I mean yeah, for some guys that are like, this is boring.

This is what I hear from I'm bored.

I'm bored.

I'm bored.

Why am myself clearing I'm bored.

I'm bored, And it's like, yeah, you're bored because you're used to externalizing and outsourcing all your sexual arousal.

Yeah.

Yeah, that that actually being outsourcing outsourcing my sexual arousal.

Yeah, that was actually what got me to do this.

Is that brains.

I thought that was really really interesting.

Trains.

Yeah yeah, outsourcing.

Yeah, I mean that that applies like to everything, outsourcing everything, like my emotional needs by physical needs, by sexual needs.

Yes.

Yeah, And so one of the most powerful things we do is in source.

And that doesn't mean like you know, people say, well, but men are visual, how am I gonna I'm seeing you know, sexy women are seeing sexy people around, and it's like yeah, okay, and if you can't be excited, if you're not aroused and excited just on your own, Like, how sad is that that you literally have to outsource, that you have to bring in outer thing to actually have any arousal in your own body.

Finally, it's just something not what you're trying to.

Right opposite, Yeah, exactly, exactly.

Yeah, well you know it's like, can you wake up and just be aroused?

Okay, so testosterone rises.

Most men who are healthy have morning erections, but you can have an erection without being aroused.

That's the other thing.

There are plenty of men who are watching porn or doing other things and having ejaculations and their arousal level is literally a three out of infinity.

Like they don't even understand what actual like a great orgasm is.

They're like no, no, no, no, no, you know, I mean it's like thirty maybe not even thirty seconds.

Yeah, you know, pigs have thirty minute orgasms.

Yeah, I mean pigs have thirty minutes of pleasured orgasm.

Men have like three to five seconds, maybe fifteen right where you learn to separate orgasm and ejaculation, you can have hours.

Yeah I can't.

I mean, I can't begin to imagine that.

It seems it seems like a kind of like thing that you hear about like doing, but like it's not an actually.

Except except that almost every man before he hit puberty who actually masturbated had orgasms without ejaculation because ejaculation didn't happen until puberty.

And then there's that moment well what's this?

Yeah totally.

And then right just as you say, these things are just like having memories of my history, and I'm like, how much do I share here?

What you want?

Sure?

Well, okay, so I'm going to carry on with that exercise and the hot thing.

Hot God guide me here, by the way, I don't want to.

Well, yeah, well you said something about, you know, in our earlier thing like shame.

So one of the things you've brought up several times is this idea of shame, And is that shame around body sexuality?

What?

What?

What is it?

Yeah, it's a bit of a shame or a feeling about inadequacy or on wordingness around my sexuality.

Okay, Like I don't have I didn't have the riot or something like that.

I was going to ask you, Yeah, I was going to ask you if that was There's a lot of really good men that I know, really heart centered, good men who struggle with their sexual arousal, sexual desires.

All yeah, like yeah, sorry, innately that it's like it's wrong for me to be in my masculine or in my sexual being around women, Like there's a kind of a very childhood protection like I'm just a boy.

I'm just a boy and these women and how dare I or something like that.

So have you ever felt like you know you're a predator?

Do you not trust yourself sexually?

No?

I don't feel like I'm a predator, but I think, h I think of the past, like I've got in the feedback that I can come across a creepy sometimes creepy.

Oh please give me an example.

Just I've been told that my energy made people uncomfortable.

So okay, all right, so well let's examine that.

Let's examine this.

So yeah, anxiety, I mean, that's that's very vulnerable.

Yes, and thank you for sharing, because you're there are there are hundreds of men listening to this who just went wow, that's how I feel.

Yeah, that's what I've been told, and I can tell you that if you have anxiety, when you have arousal, or you have anxiety when you're in trusted in somebody, that is going to make you creepy.

Which is a shame because it's I'm just anxious.

I'm not right, right, I don't see's creepy as all.

I'm not.

I'm not sure, but but I know what's happening is if you're anxious, then so women women sense energy fast because it's like I said this before.

You are a good looking man.

You are on the upper scale of good looking.

So it's yeah, well, I mean that's just factual.

So it's not that it's not that you look creepy or there's something that.

But if you approach somebody or you see somebody and you feel you said, shame, like you have shame around your sexuality.

Right, you drop into that little boy who's maybe nervous, You're right, that's going to give that vibe out.

The woman's going to be like, I don't know what's up here, but it doesn't feel safe.

Yeah, because you're self aware.

I can't imagine you're walking up to some woman that you're acted to say ooh, I want to lick your toes or you know.

I would never say that.

Of late, my shame.

I mean they used to be more confident approaching women, but of late, my kind of my feeling is just avoiding it entirely.

Well, when you approach women, how did you do it?

What would you say?

I mean, this was obviously I would just be straight up.

I mean I read a book that encouraged you to just be.

H, just go home and bang.

I mean what I mean, like no, no, I would just be like hi, like my name's Robe.

I just think they're attractive and wanted to say hi to you, basically.

You know.

It's it's interesting because I've actually had a lot of sexual experience.

I've had a lot of been I've been received by a lot of women, but there's just still like a feeling in my heart.

And even even when I've had sexual experiences, I can't I mean it's not I can't or I never have, but I often feel like I can't drop into my masculine because there's a part of me telling me that it's not appropriate or not right to do so, Like there's a barrier of something that's always pushing back against me that I it's not right, I'm doing something wrong.

I actually a man in the scenario.

Somebody told you that when you were young, this is this is part of the sexual abuse experience.

Somebody in your life didn't like men and had some bad thing happened, and this is their story in.

My yours well at risk you a complicated session.

I think one thing is that when I was younger, singing in the kid I was very very short.

I'm very tall now, yeah, speaking, I'm like six two, I think an American.

But I was very sure, very very skinny, and looked very young compared to my kes.

So I think I was like one aspect where I was treated kind of that way by my female fears.

So I think that's left the big imprint on them.

But my childhood, my parents got divorced because my dad achieved on my mom quite a bit, and after the fact she became very like yeah and just very I'm not sure of produces a word, but just completely rejecting of all that stuff, like really put away.

But on my dad's side, there was a lot of sexual hic I suppose, like a lot of hypersexuality and a lot of like embarrassing ship where it would be like you're in the shower, did you did you masturbate like while you're in the shower?

Yeahpate like laughing, yeah, and like nakedness and to sing in front of me and stuff like shit like that and laughing at me because he masturbated in the shower.

So yeah, like these things have certainly, so you were.

Yeah, you were shamed.

So you have the feminine men are bad and nasty and horrible.

Yeah, ever, and.

Then you had the masculine example of what you never want to be.

Yeah, totally, and then my step mom laughing at me.

Okay, so then you have no safe place that your masculinity or sexuality is welcomed or told, is natural or guided in any way that was healthy.

Correct.

Yeah, so this is what.

You know as well.

Yeah exactly.

And yeah, enter porn at young age and so hypersexuality, sexual shame, sexual rejection.

When when a mother is has been wounded by a man, she wants to keep her sons as boys.

Yeah, right, because they're dangerous when they're men in her viewpoints.

So that's the projection and story you get as a man.

You're dangerous.

Look at who your dad is.

You'll become him if you step into your sexuality.

This is your child mind that I'm talking about right here.

Men are bad, men are dangerous men her women, your dad's like, if you step into sexuality, you become that person.

Embarrassing, shameful.

Uh you know that, and you're going to get laughed at by other women anyway.

So I mean that's all you need right there for a perfect recipe to go.

I'm confused as fuck about who them throw some porn on there, and I'm surprised you're.

You said.

You're having sex at all.

I'm surprised we didn't become.

Yeah, yeah, thankfully it's not my whole story.

I mean, I feel like I'm there's other qualities that really strong in me, like my heart and my awareness, and like I can kind of get around these patterns, but there Yeah, as we say this, as we speak about it, so otaenly, like I feel so much pain and sadness and like kind of grossness in my being, you know, and I really want to learn how to.

I mean really I want to be alone primarily because I want to feel this feeling, you know, this feeling and in relationship it just feels like kind of reinforces increases weird negative big facts, you know, like mirroring of this ship.

And I just want to lend myself with this feeling and that's what you and you.

Need to do that because the ick or creepy vibe is all accumulation of all those stories energetically living in you.

And I can't.

I've tried in the past to kind of like and pretend like those aren't there, like like, yeah, but I feel like women women's feel it.

Yeah, it's like in my energetic.

From your head.

Yeah, you're not gonna fix from your head.

I guess it's like it's in like my aura or something like, it's.

In your nervous system, it's in yourself, in your somatic body.

And then there's the lack of trust.

Remember I asked you, do you trust yourself?

I said, do you know?

I don't.

I don't.

I don't trust myself.

I said that the other day to my therapist.

I was in I was in Pilate's and I was like, because I've started on plates, I have my kids and I spend the whole time to being like to look at their asses and then and I don't and then I do, and then what I said to my therapist, it makes me feel like I can't trust myself, you know, which makes me cool terrible about myself, Like I can't even trust myself, that I can't go into an environment and just act with integrity, like respect for myself, these people and anyway.

Yeah, I want to be able to trust myself.

Yeah, I'm not battling with these Yeah.

So what I what I tell people is this, First of all, very few people trust themselves.

Most people think they do, but they don't because we lie to ourselves hundreds of times a day.

That's what we do.

That is a normal course of action, and until you learn how not to do that.

We don't love liars.

We're told by our whole society liars are bad.

You don't respect them, you don't like them, you don't trust them.

And yet we're lying to ourselves and we know we're lying.

For instance, I'm gonna get up at six am in the morning.

Maybe some people say that, right, I'm gonna go to the gym every day.

All the lies you tell yourself.

I'm gonna not eat sugar, I'm gonna stop drinking coffee.

I'm gonna not eat the watch the porn.

I'm gonna not look at their ass whatever it is that you're saying, right, and then you disregard it, don't do it just really solidifies that we're liars.

So how we clean that up?

And if you're a liar, you never are going to trust yourself.

That's just not it's not You're not capable of trusting a liar.

So so we work on this by the small commitments of five minute practices that you do seven days a week without fail.

We start really incredibly small to learn how to trust again.

So it's like, okay, take your self pleasuring practice right or the static hold one of the practices, and you literally commit to doing it every single day, seven days a week for five minutes without fail.

Okay, you're going to go along.

That did it.

The first week's good, the second week's good, and then all of a sudden you're gonna forget, And it's like, shit, how did I forget that I'm doing it every day?

Because basically your brain and subconscious mind and body know that you're not committed to anything.

You're a liar, so of course you're going to forget it.

But so day one start again just like you know, and sure enough one day because you're going to forget it.

And here's why there's the habit thing.

You know, thirty days to have it or what three weeks to have its bullshit.

That study actually was never accurate.

Changing a neural pathway, changing a pathway in your brain to be that six am in the morning get up person, right, has a different timeframe for everybody in the beginning, because it's a lot of work for the brain to change a pattern.

Right, So you hate mornings.

You need to get up at six am.

You have to change a pattern that's laid into your brain really hard.

The story, so you get up at six, you get up at six, you get up six, and then one morning you wake up and you're like, oh, I'm sick.

Oh that's right, we don't go to the gym when we're sick.

Well, that was your brain making you sick so that it didn't have to use the resources to change to Now you're six in the morning.

So when you get you get your ass out of bed anyway and just go to the gym.

You don't have to work out, but just freaking walk into the gym.

Now you're at the gym, Okay, great, now go home.

The next morning you wake up and you go.

Now, your brain will get really resistant.

People who coach with me, I set them up.

I'm like, one morning, you're gonna wake up and go fucking hell.

I'm in a cult.

Tanya is a.

Fucking cult leader.

I swear to God, this stuff is insane.

I'm doing what with my body?

Static hole?

What is?

You'll have all this weird resistance, But that's a sign of success.

Because your brain's trying to talk you out of doing the thing you said you were going to do.

You stick with it.

It's usually between anywhere between twenty four hours and five days, and all of a sudden your brain goes, okay, fine, all right, fine, you do static hold every day.

I got alsume.

Here you go.

Now.

The thing is, I was a vegetarian in December eighteenth, twenty twenty two, and I said to myself, I'm going one hundred percent carnivore tomorrow.

My brain said fine, because it knows it's more trouble to resist changing with me because I trust myself and I keep my word, than it is to do it.

So you can change from that non committed liar into the disciplined thing where your brain goes, Okay, fine, all right, you're giving up sugar grate, Fine, we give up sugar.

I don't care.

You want to give up porn.

Damn, Porn's gone.

Uh you know so it but that takes training, and it starts with those very small, one five minute easy thing a day for thirty days.

Increase the level of difficulty for the next thirty days.

Start day one.

When you fuck up in day twenty nine and you forget oh day one, keep that commitment to your.

Right.

So you're you're saying, five minutes.

A day whatever thing you do.

So let's say let's say it just.

Like every single day.

Yeah, so let's say you're going to do ten cafre is while you brush your teeth.

I mean, you got to make this so easy you can't fail the first thirty days.

Otcha.

I'm going to whatever it is, tag it into something you're already doing.

If you're doing the static hole, that's a five minute practice, then it's five minutes every day you do the static hole, right.

If you're you know, doing a hardhold every day, I'm doing a hardhold.

Whatever.

But whatever it is you pick, keep the level of difficulty super low, like waking up at six am and going to the gym is a hard task.

If you don't do that, that's a hard higher loan.

You pick something super easy that you feel like I can do this.

You do it for thirty days, but you track it so that you know when you screw up and you forgot to do it.

You don't give yourself a pass.

You start day one.

Now, I've had some people have to do eight starts, eight months on one tiny.

Little practice right before they got their day.

Yeah, before they nailed the thirty days right.

If it was too then I would go and look and say they if they failed twice or three times in a row, I want to know because they might be picking something too big, and we got to really make it a lot smaller.

Right.

There are some people so their programs or their their feelings about themselves are so mangled that literally I start with something that they're almost oh, they're already doing.

Like it might be they're brushing their teeth, so they always brush their teeth, and I find out about how they brush their teeth, and you know, they always like turn the water on, put the brush under, put the toothpaste, on brush their teeth, and then I would say, okay, so what you're going to do now is you're going to pick up the toothbrush.

Right then you're going to turn the water on dip it.

So I will change one thing up in a routine that they do and make it that small so that they can have a successful thirty days right right.

The brain doesn't care how big the thing is.

It's just track that you literally are doing the thing you say you're going to do.

Makes sense, makes sense.

So when you build self trust, when you build self commitment, you rebuild self trust.

When you rebuild self trust, you rebuild self respect.

And when you have commitments self trust and self respect, you fall in love with yourself.

There is no trying to love yourself.

Yeah, the four pillars to self commitment.

Commitment leads to self trust, self trust leads to self respect.

When you have commitments, self trust, and self respect, you fall in love with yourself.

Makes sense.

Yeah, everybody's starting with the self love without ever fixing the bottom foundation.

Makes sense.

I can feel that it's a it's a thing that creates and inability for me to I guess love myself is this sense of a lack of integrity in terms of.

Yeah, yeah, exactly, And so you concentrate on just building that foundation, and this self trust comes back.

You start to think about what you're saying and stop saying all that shit you're not going to do because so there's an exercise to do.

It's called a brain dump.

You just basically get a pen and paper and all those shoulds, I should get up bits six, I should stop watching porn, I should what I want.

Just dump it all on a piece of paper, every single fucking lie you tell yourself about what you're going to do that you don't do on a piece of paper.

Then you look at that critically and you go, really, am I really gonna stop doing that?

No?

Okay, cross it off?

I mean, fuck it.

Just like cross everything off and get down to one basic thing that you know you're going to do and then start doing that, because all those shoulds and outstanding bullshit and all that stuff that's there is literally taking up real estate and making you lie and lack of trust and laugh respect.

Mm hmmm that true.

Simple, yeah, easy but not simple, Simple but not easy, Simple but not easy.

Totally.

Yeah, So what are you going to take away?

What are you going to take away from today?

Hmm, Well, I feel I think this is highlighted that I'm on the right track.

Just talking about like my history with my with my sexuality.

I think re emphasize this to me, the need spigeling so that there's a bit more commitment in that sense that yeah, it really is a good move for me too, stuff externalizing and to just focus on me.

Yeah, because then as well, I'm I can be meanfully and I don't have if I'm not actually seeking anything from anyone else, that does what does it matter?

Okay, well, well that's too.

Yeah, you're giving yourself a break, and I mean that's why, that's why I've attracted You said it went before our call when I was telling you bragging about my new man, and you said, well you've done all this work on yourself.

Of course you'd attract that totally.

That was awesome, And I'm like, yes, I'm actually looking at my mail.

If he feels like me and a man.

Is pretty yeah, So I think, yeah, that's I'm taking away from like it actually is going to be quite freeing for me to have that chance to do that.

But also I'm reflecting as well, and like I've done some of I've done the Semitic one of the Semitic exercises, but I do it like once every four days, like half an hour, and then every other day I'm like, I don't have the time, right.

So'd be better to cut that down?

Yeah?

Yeah, right, yeah, to cut it down.

And then this idea of like, could I do it for five minutes for thirty days?

It seems so simple, but honestly that I'm like, I don't know it, Like I'm just such a kind of distracted, like sort of random person like.

But then then the feeling is like, why couldn't I commit it literally five minutes?

And then that voice says five minutes that's not enough to make a difference, you know.

So there's already a voice that comes in that sort of sabotages yeah, that process.

Yeah, so then you go and you just do it in you go, well, okay, let's find out.

Yeah, let's find out.

Yeah.

So I'm hearing you that the commitment and the consistency is going to be more powerful than once every five days they do a half now session.

You know, absolutely, it'd be better to do a micro commitment every single day, every single day, every single because it's showing up for yourself every day for five minutes is probably I've actually worked with people that's the only thing I had them do was one five minute practice every single day and literally watched all of this stuff heal in them.

It was insane.

It was insane.

It's like magic.

People go, I don't understand how this is working.

I've been in therapy, I've been this, I've done this, and it's like, I show up six weeks five minute practices.

The next thing I know, I don't have road rage anymore.

I'm doing this.

I'm doing this, I'm doing this, and I'm like, I like really powerful practices that are simple and work, and this is ninety nine percent success.

Right.

They do not work on people who are psychopaths.

And I've tested this, but I've worked with one hundred thousand people in over sixty countries with a ninety nine success right.

I remember.

One of the things that you said makes the biggest has made the biggest difference is that for men to say no to sex.

Oh yeah, that book project that I did, Yeah yeah, six months saying no to sex and like they're like, you insane, what do you mean saying no, I don't get sex anyway.

You sex is something and I'm saying no, and I'm like, yes, that's exactly what you're doing.

Interesting stuff.

Yeah, Danya.

By the way, I spent the last time music I don't like it's definitely Tanya and I'm like, maybe it's Kanya.

Oh Godanya.

But I listened to it all and I Tanya.

Kanya.

That jay is sounds like a why Tanya Tanya?

Yeah, so the Aussies like to call me Tanya tan Tanya Wait, yeah, the Aussies like to call me a little bit different.

Well, Tanya is kind of like a more common yeah yeah yeah, but tanyat yeah, yeah, I will try m hm oh yeah yeah, I wow.

It's really hard for me to commit to it.

Two minutes my goodness for thirty days, I will commit to five minutes a day of the handividuals handed Semitic exercise.

So static thirty days of five minutes a day STATICLED.

And if I accomplish that, then I will return and I will pay for the session.

But if you like, you can use it for your podcast so that the year what has happened to me?

If I am actually if you're interested, no.

We want to follow you.

I think we're gonna drop drop you in this container and let's follow follow your process over the next six months to a year.

And on me, let's because you're brave enough to show up and be vulnerable.

Wow, thank you.

Yeah, that's just really encouraging and trying.

Thank you.

Yeah, let's show thank you, thank you.

Let's show what this is capable of.

That it really can be that because I think, you know, it's one thing to have guests on here that are professionals, and you know, most professionals don't show up as vulnerable as they can, and then because they're professionals.

Yeah, exactly, even though we've had a few.

My friend Farren was on and Farren was pretty vulnerable and he he's not a professional coach or anything, so that was that was good.

But yeah, it's a it's a it's a privilege and an honor for somebody to show up and have the courage to get real because you're saying what so many men are thinking and feeling.

But I don't think anybody else is.

Wow, that's really moving to me.

It's yeah, yeah, you're providing a ton of value to other men.

Well, yeah, that's really that's really moving.

Really sorry, I don't really say yeah, I'll do my best.

You're gonna be You're gonna be tracking, so you know you're tracked.

And stop with the stories.

I'm too scattered.

Stop every time you have a freaking story.

You just stop the story and just say, I am committing to this.

Rewrite the story.

You know, I think it's probably the best limited five minutes.

I'm going to live as well, yeh, because otherwise I'll feel tempted, you know, to push it five minutes.

You just stop there.

That's all your commitment is.

You do what you say you're gonna do.

Doesn't need to be more, doesn't make it faster.

It's the everything gold day.

I'll do it.

You can do this absolutely.

And I like how you pivoted from the word try to committing.

And I love how you if you if people had seen you, if the men had seen you, you had that moment of struggle.

You looked up, you had your eyes closed, and you looked up and you were like, wow, this is hard to commit, even this tiny little thing, you know, But then you pick and you did.

Could I trust myself because I know I believe I'll get to stay or something, and you know, yeah, that's fine.

Emphasis, that's what we have to heal, all right, how we do it one five minute day at a time.

Sounds good?

Awesome?

Well, thank you so much.

Were yet we'll have Robert back as he progresses through these thirty days and we'll see how that's going.

And if there's others of you out there that are now throwing your hand in the air saying, oh what about me?

What about me?

What about me?

Yeah?

Right right, you had your chance about it, right, but you were like, oh, I don't know, I should give oath, you know, and uh yeah, so just know that if I call something out or an opportunity to out, then you should probably jump on it, just saying and uh, I appreciate your your courage in that and your commitment to your healing, because ultimately, when you commit to your healing, you absolutely help heal the feminine as well, because every healthy masculine male heals the feminine.

Thanks that's nust.

Your commitment to that means that you know, yay.

I want to thank you for all my sisters and all the women out there.

I want to thank you for being a courageous man to show up and do the healing work you need to do to show up better in the world, all for women.

Thanks, thanks a lot.

Yeah, absolutely absolutely all right h