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Muma Mer acknowledges the traditional owners of the land and waters.

This podcast is recorded on.

This episode deals with a number of sensitive topics, including grief, pregnancy issues, and postnatal depression.

Listener discretion is advised.

There are some love stories that from day one just tug on the old heart strings.

Nothing crazy, nothing dramatic, just old fashioned boy meets girl, they fall in love.

And the rest is history.

I didn't really know what love was.

I didn't understand it, but I knew there was something, and honestly, from that first meeting, that was it.

We fell madly in love.

From that moment, I believed and I knew that I was living a fairy tale.

But the thing with fairy tales is we never get the whole story.

Is there really such thing as happily ever after forever?

I do remember thinking it's too good to be true, and so I did have this in the back of my mind, and I would often think to myself, don't get too caught up in the fairy tale ash because it's too good.

I'm Georgia Love and this is everyone has an eggs.

Come with me as we dive into a collection of unconventional stories about relationships past through the eyes and the hearts of the very people who lived them.

The year was two thousand and eight, actually was just seventeen, and the way you met boys back then was a little different to now, but the way she met Matt was different even for then.

I had lost my grandfather to Leakemia, and that was actually my first experience with death, so I really struggled with that, and I decided to do some work with the Lakemia Foundation, and they have a really beautiful annual event called Light the Night, where each city hosts an event where you have beautiful lanterns and you do a city walk at sort of twilight, and different colored balloons represent whether you're honoring someone or remembering someone, or if you're a survivor.

So I signed up to that event, and I didn't realize at the time that I was actually the youngest person to register for that event.

So the local newspaper contacted me on behalf of the Leukemia Foundation and said, we'd just love to share the reason that you signed up to this event so that it might inspire others to join.

And I just said, oh, sure, I'm happy too, and did that interview and gave a photograph, and I didn't think much of it.

And then I remember the morning that that newspaper was published, and my dad walked in to the room and he just held up this paper and he said, oh my god, you are on the front page of the newspaper.

And I was a bit mortified at seventeen years old.

But what I didn't realize was that a few days later Matt would see that newspaper.

His mum just happened to pick up the newspaper that day and he happened to see it.

And from there he added me on Facebook.

Sorry, he added me on MySpace because Facebook wasn't even a thing yet.

He sent me a message and said, I think we should catch up.

And in my head, I'm going read alert, read alert, absolutely not stranger danger, And I knew nothing about him.

Complete strangers, no mutual friends, know nothing.

There were a few back and forward messages and eventually I said.

Yes, So, still a high school student, actually went to meet this twenty year old stranger at a cafe in town.

I saw this tall, handsome guy, really well built, clearly athletic.

He started telling me that he was really into cricket, and we had to meet late because he had cricket training first, so that was the priority, and I knew nothing about cricket.

I was like, okay, I've got nothing here.

I'm a ballerina.

You play cricket like we are, so world's apart.

And so that's all I knew of him.

Was just that first meeting.

We met up for the first time, and I think we were talking NonStop for about four hours straight.

And it was a school night and I went, I've got to get home, like I'm still in grade twelve, and that was our first meeting, and it was just so easy, and that moment was just this feeling of I really like this guy.

There's something about him that is just truly special.

I don't know what it is, and I'd never really experienced that because I was only seventeen, so I didn't really know what love was.

I didn't understand it, but I knew there was something.

And honestly, from that first meeting, that was it.

The first kiss happened on that first meeting that was prompted by me, and I just felt like, there's something wonderful about this guy.

There was just this instant connection and instant safety and happiness.

I think we only had maybe two or three dates until we made it official, and I remember him asking me to be his girlfriend, and it was an instant yes.

It was like, well, obviously, it felt like the obvious step, like of course we were going to start dating and of course were going to be official.

We didn't think we had anything in common, but then after meeting, we then made our life in common.

So I chose to learn about cricket and you know, he appreciated ballet, and we appreciated each other's interests without ever hijacking or feeling that we needed to truly be part of that world.

For me, it was very much around cricket's your thing, and I'll support you, but like you do you and vice versa.

So we never had to really find commonalities because we just created new ones together.

I think officially I said I love you at around six months I'd already been feeling it for a long time, and Matt said the same.

He said, well, I love you too, and that was it.

It was just like sort of this obvious statement that we just finally said out loud.

That was that a young, happy, easy love, but that would make this a pretty short story, so let's delve into how these budding young romance progressed.

Because I was seventeen and just finishing school.

The first year was I was first year UNI.

He was also in UNI, so we had completely random timetables through the day, and so there was a lot of just catching up when we could.

You know, often, like Friday nights through to the weekend was sort of more formal time together and you know, actually arranging a proper date or a proper catch up with friends.

But during the week we did have some time during classes where we could see each other or have a quick coffee or something like that.

So it was very much just finding those little pieces of time to see each other.

Sometimes that meant a drive by kiss, and so literally Matt would call and say, I'm driving home from UNI, but I've got to get home, usually for cricket training.

But I'm driving past your house and I've got about two minutes.

So it was worth it to just see him for two minutes.

And I remember he would pull up at the house.

He wouldn't even open the door he come in.

He would literally just stay in the car and I'd run downstairs give him a kiss.

And off he'd go to cricket training and all of these little micro moments which we just made work.

And we just wanted to see each other, so we made the effort.

And was it a detour, sure, but two minutes was better than nothing.

He made me feel loved.

He made me feel that together we were unstoppable, but that as an individual, I was also unstoppable.

So he gave me such a self belief that I didn't really believe in myself.

Do you hear stories that relationships can be hard work and that you've got to, you know, show up for each other.

And I never felt that I felt happy.

I felt safe because I was, and I just I never you know, I constantly lived on cloud nine.

And it feels a little bit naive to think that life is like that, but I was in this complete fairy tale every day, whether it be going to the beach, going to the movies, you know, it's going to lunch.

Often it was very mundane, normal things.

We weren't doing anything extravagant.

We weren't even trying to impress each other by paying for a beautiful lunch or going on a holiday.

It was we actually newly just wanted to be together and if that meant doing the grocery shopping, so be it.

There was never any feeling of pressure that we had to do anything.

A lot of that came down to even moments, like Matt did a lot of work in regional Queensland and there were opportunities at times for me to just travel with him, and so there would be I remember a particular series of weekends where he was doing these clinics about probably four hour drive from Brisbane on the weekend.

I mean, well, I work Monday to Friday, so I won't then see you on the weekend.

So then I just decided to go with him, and so it just meant sitting in the car for four hours and then we would arrive, he would work and I would just sit in a cafe on my laptop working as well.

But then we got four hours together because we just wanted to be together.

And a lot of people thought, oh, that's crazy, then you've lost your weekend.

Absolutely not, I've just gained eight hours in the car.

So it was really simple stuff.

Nothing I said, nothing extravagant, just genuinely being together.

We never rushed anything because we never felt we needed to, and so there was just this really organic life that we had.

I then moved out, and despite Matt living at home, he thought it would be really good for me to move out with a friend first.

And he just said, I just think that you need that.

I think that would be really great for you.

And I was like, yeah, great idea.

He was still living at home and we just continued life.

Because we met so young, we were often spending a lot of time together in our family homes, and so Matt's family welcomed me with open arms and my family the same.

So I often laughed because I always felt like Matt and my sister got along so well.

And I used to joke, I'm like, am I the third wheel here?

Because you guys are like really besties?

And that was really beautiful for me.

I am, you know, that protective big sister.

And to see that my boyfriend and sister get along so beautifully just meant a lot to me.

And so that was always really special.

And to know that Matt was now already even in those early days, he was just part of our family, and really my family just sort of adopted this sort of no brainer approach, like, well, of course, he's part of our family, and that happened really early, so again that was another feeling of well, this is just meant to be.

There was never any doubt in my mind that we would be together forever.

By the time they'd both finished UNI and got jobs, the next step was natural.

We decided to move in together.

I would say it was only three months later that we then said, let's buy a house.

So, yeah, we've done this living together, so we can sort of tick that off and now we can buy a house.

And that's when we started looking for a house.

That was like a really big decision.

We also felt buying a house is a lot more serious than marriage at times, and so you know, big commitment.

Any so, it was just confirmation of our relationship and that next step which felt super organic to us.

And so that was the moment when I felt a bit more like an adult.

I was twenty three when we bought our home, and yeah, that just felt so right for us.

We put offers on one, we missed out due to you know, developers just offering cash that we could have never competed with, and then you know, we missed out on the second one.

And then I was actually traveling for work, so I was in Fiji at the time, and Matt called me and he said, I found it.

I found the one.

I said, okay, well that's great, but I'm away so I can't see it.

He said, yeah, yeah, I think we can wait.

I think I can draw it out for a day.

So I said okay, So arrived back.

Matt picked me up from the airport.

We drove past the house and he said, I've got to show you the house.

So well, it's nighttime, I can't see anything, but sure, we'll drive past the house.

And we pulled up in front of the house and he said, this is it.

This is the one.

And I looked at him and I got emotional, like I am now, and I said, this is our family home.

And we just knew.

I hadn't even been in it yet, we just knew it was the one.

And so the next morning I had a quick inspection for all of ten minutes, and we put the offer in and we got it.

I had these moments at multiple times in our relationship where I just would pinch myself and go, is this real?

This relationship is so beautiful and so perfect, and everything's just falling into place so beautifully.

So I would always feel so much gratitude that I got to have this love and be in this love.

And then I also had the I guess, the awareness to also sit back and appreciate it and say, wow, not everyone gets this, How lucky am I to experience this?

Living together felt exactly the same.

It was so easy.

We just moved in and it just felt right.

It was just what was always meant to happen.

And you know, even though it took a few years for us to do it, when we did move in, it was the perfect time and it felt like it was exactly how it was meant to be.

So, dear listener, can you guess what happened next?

Two years later, Matt took me back to the spot that we met for the first time.

He had told me that we were actually having group dinner with some friends.

So I told Matt, oh, I'm getting my nails done and so I'll just meet you at the restaurant later, and he said, yeah, yeah, perfect, I'll see you there.

I arrived and I remember seeing him and it actually just recently had a shoulder injury, so he was meant to be wearing a sling and he didn't have it on.

I thought, Oh, it's weird.

And I arrived and I said to him, I said, where's your sling?

Like you meant to be wearing that at all times.

He said, it doesn't matter.

Yeah, it kind of does, and then you know, I basically blinked and he was on one knee.

And the most beautiful thing was that it was where we first met, basically within an inch.

He made sure that we were in the exact same spot and nothing extravagant and absolutely perfect at the same time, because it was us.

The wedding was so much fun to plan.

We just really enjoyed it.

We wanted one venue and we just wanted people to have fun, so it was really important to us that we keep it light.

We deliberately planned the ceremony to be quite personal, and we shared a lot of stories, some of which our guests had never heard of before, so that was really nice to share those little surprises with them.

But we deliberately had our ceremony very very personal and very intimate, which was lovely.

And then we had a table tennis table at the reception and we just had it at a venue that also has mini golf.

We're like, go and have fun like this is what our relationship is about, just spending time together.

The most beautiful thing about getting married was absolutely nothing changed.

I changed my last name and I got an extra ring on my finger, but that was it, you know, and that felt really beautiful to have that experience and to have this fairy tale love continue and to blossom once again.

Cloud nine continued, The fairy tale continued, and this really felt like just the evolution of the fairy tale.

It was just how the book was meant to be written.

Nothing was really changing in our relationship except we were just probably getting more and more joy.

We pretty much spent every moment together and completely by choice.

Matt would also then drop me to work, so he would drive me to work, so we would have that commute together.

Both of us had work trips, but usually only a few days at a time.

I think the most we were probably apart was maybe two weeks.

You know.

Matt still continued his cricket so there was a lot of time that he would you have that time with his cricket club or working or hanging out with his mates and things like that.

Absolutely and vice versa.

But the majority of our time was together.

Because we met so young, I built my adult life with Matt.

He was a few years older, so he'd had a few years out in adulthood before we met, but ultimately we were so young, so we built our adult life together.

So I didn't know anything any different to being an adult with Matt.

I didn't know any different to being an adult in a relationship, to being a girlfriend and then a wife.

That was just part of our life.

I always felt very grateful.

I think we really balanced each other out in that as well.

Particularly in a work sense.

It was due to the job I was doing.

It was easy to get overwhelmed, and Matt would just balance it out and say, oh, it's actually not stressful.

I'm like, oh, yeah, you're right, and vice versa.

Sometimes, you know, Matt would need He would often send me some spreadsheets that needed formatting because I don't know how to do this.

So we just had this really beautiful balance of knowing what our strengths are and how we could balance each other.

I was a dreamer and I loved to think about what our future might look like, and I'd ask matter question, even it was something really trivial, and he would say, i'll talk to you before then, and it was this beautiful reassurance of like, don't get ahead of yourself, be present, I'll talk to you.

Before then we never had that time of bickering or an argument.

We didn't even raise voices like that was just not part of our relationship.

And you know, often friends would confide in us or say, oh, this is going on for us, or we're struggling.

And I found that really difficult because I would often respond and saying, oh, that sounds really hard.

I was trying to be empathetic and trying to understand, but I actually had no idea.

The only part of doubt that I ever had was this is too good to be true.

How can you have something so perfect?

How can everything be so easy?

And then I felt such gratitude because here I am living it, so I know it's real.

So here they were at twenty six.

In twenty nine, Matt and Ash were married, living in their dream home, and just blissfully happy.

Once again, the next step seemed inevitable.

We wanted kids, We wanted to have kids present, We wanted to play games in the backyard, we wanted to watch them play sport, and that was it, you know, we then dreamed of you know, in the future.

All we really said was we'd love to be married for a few year, let's enjoy married life, and then we'll think about our family.

So that was as much planning and time frame that we put on, and then twenty twenty happened.

In January, I lost my father in law, who I adored, and he had a very short and aggressive illness.

In March, I was stood down from my job and I worked in travel, and so the industry was just decimated.

So I stood down from a role that I really loved in a company that I loved.

But it was in June that Matt and I found out that we were pregnant.

We were so excited.

We'd been trying for a little while.

We really knew that we'd been married for a few years.

We felt really great in terms of, you know, we've enjoyed a few years of married life.

This feels like the next step.

So we'd been trying, and yeah, to then find out pregnant was just amazing.

We just had a private moment at home and found out together.

I was six weeks pregnant at the time, so I needed an early scan and I remember the doctor saying there's three and that was it.

It was just this really short sentence, and so Matt and I looked at each other and I said three what and he said three babies.

The room just went quiet, and he said, let's go and have a chat, and the tone completely changed.

So Matt and I had walked into this appointment feeling completely elated and just beyond excited to now feeling really confused.

And it was at that point that the doctor explained to ask how high risk the pregnancy was, and the doctor said, it is highly unlikely that you will meet all three babies, so you need to go home and have a think about this.

Walking into an appointment feeling so much joy and then walking out of an appointment to feel so deflated was something I'd never experienced.

For all of these years, I'd lived this fairy tale and everything was fabulous, and that was the moment that really crushed me.

And I remember sitting back in the car with Matt and we just looked at each other and I said, what just happened?

And we were both in this state of shock, and he replied, I've got no idea.

And we just had been given a bundle of paperwork to read through, and I just was like, I don't understand.

And before he started the car to drive off, I looked at him and I said, we will meet three babies.

There's no decision to be made.

And he grabbed my hand.

He said, there's no decision.

We're pregnant and they're going to be okay.

And then we drove off, knowing we're pregnant with triplets, and we said to each other that we really wanted to allow ourselves to feel the shock.

So we went home and we said, let's just sit in this emotion for a bit and have that processing time.

And then I don't remember Matt saying, let's give ourselves twenty four hours, but at twenty four hours that's it.

We're positive and we never think negatively again.

And it wasn't a negative thought that we went through.

We were just in shock and processing.

And he said, but after that point, that's it, and we both agreed.

I was like, yes, absolutely, and we did that.

So we allowed ourselves to just process and then we went this is the best thing ever, because it was.

And so that was a really important part of our pregnancy journey, was to allow that feeling, not fight it, but just to allow it and then go and we're making the choice now, and aside from shock, we've never felt any negativity or any thoughts of we shouldn't go ahead with this or anything like that.

And every pregnancy is different, of course, and for us it was just okay, you know, we've been hopeful for one and now blessed with three.

We are so lucky.

And that was then, you know, the joy returned and we went, okay, well, now we need to figure out how we actually do this.

It was a rollercoaster, yeah, but it were a really defining moment in our relationship as well, to support each other through a you know, a tricky situation, but then to choose the joy and to choose to step forward together in that really united mindset.

We also then made the decision to tell our family members then, because we knew that we would need support, and so we shared the news very early with our parents, so with my parents and then Matt's mum.

It was a really welcomed, joyful news because for the first you know, six months of twenty twenty, we had been living in the grief of losing that dad and that affected all of us in different ways, and so to have this joyful news was really special and it never took away from the heartache that we were still navigating, but it was like this glimmer of hope, like, oh, okay, there is now something to look forward to.

Because it was also at a time of COVID, right, so there was so much collective heaviness in the world and uncertainty, and so this was this little glimmer of hope and shock factor as well because there's three babies coming now, so I think everyone was really processing, but above all, there was so much joy and something to look forward to.

So life sort of continued and you know, we just sort of went about our normal days and that was really yeah, this June time for us.

It was then in August that Matt and I celebrated our wedding anniversary at our third wedding anniversary, and I didn't know it would be our last together.

It was the following week that Matt went out for his normal morning run, but he didn't return home.

He went out for his run and I said, well, I'll jump in the shower so that when you get home we're ready for the day.

I got out of the shower and I thought to myself, I need to cite Matt, and I had no emotion connected to that statement.

I didn't think anything was wrong.

I didn't think anything was right.

I just said it completely factually, and I got in the car.

I hadn't done my hair and makeup.

My hair was still wet from the shower, and I just got in the car and I drove, and I drove probably five hundred meters at most, and I found him.

He was hit by a car.

The accident had already happened, and the police officer said to me, did you hear the sirens?

Said now, I think I.

Just needed to be here.

And I still don't know why I was there.

All I can think of is that Matt came to me, and he came to get me.

I think he wanted me close because we were always together.

The officials on site, they wouldn't let me go to Matt.

I was begging, and they told me that I couldn't go over there, and I remember just being in a real state of shock.

I just wanted to be with my husband.

I remember vividly what I said back to the officer when he told me the news.

First thing I said is I need to call his mum.

And the police officer said, you can't do that, We'll do that, And it was almost that comment that made me realize how bad this was.

And so that's when my life changed in an instant.

I was seventeen weeks pregnant and I'd just become a widow.

There's elements of the day that are completely blurry and other elements that are so vivid.

I can recall sense, I can recall sounds.

I remember going home, so my parents had then been called and had arrived at the scene to collect me.

And when I got back to the house, I remember sitting on our couch completely glazed over.

My eyes were open, but I wasn't really there and I was just gazing into the distance.

And my mother in law arrived and I just remember hearing my mom saying she hasn't cried yet, and I was just in the absolute shock.

And then I remember at night, so my family and I we all went to my sister's house.

I remember saying to Mom, I'm scared to go to sleep and I'm scared to be awake.

And that was really when the fear set in of the reality of the situation.

Now the coming days were more blurry.

I was unable to walk, so my body completely shut down.

I didn't walk for five days because I just I physically couldn't.

It was such a strange feeling.

But I couldn't lift my body at all.

So my dad would lift me out of bed in the morning, he'd carry me to the bathroom, put me on the bathroom floor.

My mum and sister would undress me and shower at me and dress me again, and then my dad would carry me to the couch and I would la that the whole day.

I was unable to even lift my head, so my family got some liquid meals and they fed me through a straw because I just couldn't do anything.

I didn't have any capacity for anything physically, mentally, emotionally.

It was just all going to the babies to keep them alive, because we'd already been told at that six week mark that I could loose them at any time, and so I was so fearful of losing them.

Everyone sort of shares that, oh, you know, you should be excited in pregnancy and you should be joyful, And I've just had the most extreme loss not just of my husband but also the life that we dreamed.

You know, we'd imagined this family life that he's now not here for.

I'm now a solo mum, and I've had this moment of I'm grieving our family life, but a family life that never even started and that will never be.

Our kids never get to hear Matt's voice, They never hear Daddy say I love you, they never get to feel his hug, and so I'm already grieving for our kids, for the life that they will miss out on and the life that Matt misses too with them.

Through all of this, I actually had to keep fighting.

She had as scare with the babies at twenty weeks, and the doctors told her for them to survive, she'd need to make it to at least twenty four.

I thought, at that moment, the last three weeks I've feen absolute hell.

I don't know if I can do another four.

And at the same time, I had no choice because I was carrying our babies.

And I put up my hand and I said I need help.

I need to book a psychologist.

And I said, Mom, I need you to help me book this.

And that allowed me an hour to cry and to just get some thoughts out.

But then basically as soon as that appointment ended, and it was all on a telehealth also during COVID, but I then would just hang up the phone and then that was it.

I was back to the laptop, back to doing the ADMIN because I didn't have time.

And as much as I felt I needed to sit in the grief and process, the reality was is, like I said, I could lose or welcome our babies at any point, so I then need to be ready for that.

The obstetrician had then said, Ash, I know you're working through the grief, but I need you to start preparing for PREMI babies because that's a different type of mental, physical, and emotional load and at this point in time, you're not ready.

And of course my reaction is I've got enough.

I don't have any capacity.

And she gave me a book and the book's called Just a Moment Too Soon, and it's written by nurses and midwives, but also in a way that anyone can read and it makes sense.

And it's written in chapters that are by week, so once you get first to that viability stage of twenty four weeks, it's then by chapter by week.

And I was reading the book in line with how far along I was in the pregnancy, and so I would finish a chapter and feel so relieved because I got through the chapter, which meant I got through that week.

I think the hardest bit of that as well is that not only was I doing this without Matt, but when you've got that ninety percent overlap, I'm doing it without me.

I've only got ten percent left, and that ten percent is pretty broken right now, so there's not much to show up with and to be in that dark space, to be that overwhelm isolation.

I'm living it and this was my life.

But also none of my friends understand what I'm going through.

Like there is that added element of isolation too is that I'm alone because I'm a widow, and I'm alone because I don't relate to anyone now.

No one stands and as much as everyone tries to help and lovingly help, you don't get it.

So that adds to the to the grief as well.

A lot of people say that, you, you know, just take it one day at a time, one hour at a time.

I was only capable of taking it ten minutes at a time, and then I was able to slowly build up from that and to chip away at it, I suppose, And you know, some days I would do twenty minutes at a time, and then the next it was five.

I was twenty nine years old when all of this was happening.

You know, I'm still this young girl trying to navigate a world that I didn't even really well.

I still don't understand it.

I'm in it, but this is not how you imagine the last year of your twenties.

Against all odds, actually took all three of her babies through to thirty four weeks.

It was a miracle, but it only opened the next chapter of an unfathomable grief.

Obviously, I was incredibly emotional going into the birth, mainly the of all three babies arriving, because I still until they were here, they weren't here, and so desperately missing that.

And at the same time I really felt that he was there.

So that was quite a confronting feeling, because it was almost this feeling of your so close and so far, and so this real difficult feeling of trying to reach him and I couldn't, And it's a really hard feeling to explain because it's almost so confusing.

And then you should be here, but you're not and I don't understand this.

And then I'm trying to be present for their birth and I just I just remember feeling so I think lost because I didn't know how I was meant to feel, because it was at that moment of intense grief with relief that they were here, and I was just really caught in the middle of those two emotions.

And when those emotions are not just there but completely heightened, I was just paralyzed with fear.

I think, just completely overwhelmed.

Then we had five weeks in Nku, which is a pretty intense environment, and I never understood Nicu or I never understood what premi babies really meant.

I just thought premi babies was, you know, we're little babies, and I just never had experience with that before.

And then I was thrust into this world of birthing triplets born prematurely and then entering Nku and having this experience, which is confronting at the best of times, to now be in that environment without fragile babies and doing it alone.

My family were with me every minute of the day there, and I was still alone.

And I'm in hospital in Niku, seeing dads with their babies.

So Niku is an open room and there are multiple babies in the same room, and so the families come to visit and they're with them the whole day.

So here I am still navigating grief.

You know, I've just lost my husband seventeen weeks ago, and I'm seeing dads hold their babies right in front of me, and so just the complete overwhelm of emotion and trying to be a mum and trying to show up and do all the things, and just this constant feeling of, you know, this relentless struggle or feeling of doesn't matter how strong I am or how much I show up, it's not enough, and still feeling like we're fighting.

I never felt, honestly, for the first year that I actually took a full breath.

I felt that physically that I held my breath.

I felt it in my body that I was bracing, and it was because I had evidence that things continue to happen.

So don't feel joy, don't feel anything, just brace because if you brace, you might be able to minimize the emotion, it might not feel as heavy.

So I lived in this state of fear, and I felt like I was holding my breath for a year, and I still remember that feeling in isolation.

All of these events are tragic, they are intense, and then I'm dealing with it all together in one go.

And it was just this complete feeling of overwhelm and so finding joy for someone that was previously joyful, carefree, didn't even think about it to now having to work incredibly hard to not even get to a state of joy, but to get to a state of neutral took an enormous amount of energy.

We spent a total of five weeks in the hospital and then we were finally able to return home, and that was the first time that I went home to our house.

It was really important to me that the babies go home.

Returning home, I just kept hearing that conversation that Matt and I had had in the car that day, that night that we bought the house.

This is our family home.

And as much as my family said, you know, of course we can have the babies here, like, we'll figure out the best setup, I was adamant that we were going home.

On top of all of this, and perhaps unsurprisingly, Ashley was then diagnosed with postnatal depression.

There were already sort of red flags you know widow triplets, Niku PREMI.

You know, there was a lot that was already not great for me.

And so I remember when she did the assessment, she said, oh, just give me a minute, and she walked out and she came back in and she said, so you've got postnatal depression.

And I remember looking at her.

I remember exactly where she was sitting on the day bed with the sun in the background, and I looked at her and said, yeah, I know.

But then I told her I don't know what's depression, what's grief, and what's hormones, because it's all of it at the same time, he's a new mother.

A lot of comments are often you know, trust your gut and you're a mum, you'll know what to do.

I didn't have any of that.

I didn't have an ounce of confidence in myself.

And now you're giving me.

You know, I've already got the label of widow.

I'm already a solo mum, and now you're telling me I've got postnatal depression.

I don't have the capacity for anymore.

For the first or at least twelve months, I was getting three to four hours of broken sleep at night, and I just put it down to adrenaline was keeping me going basically, and I had nothing left to give I and I look back now as a level of hindsight to think, oh, I shouldn't have been so hard on myself, But as a coping strategy as well, it was important to me that I show up for everything that's not here.

I am here.

If there's a nappy to change, I'll do it.

If there's a bottle to be fit, I'll do it.

As much as there was a lot of help around, I needed to do the babies, that was really important to me, so I yeah, I did have overnight help as well, and there was a period where I did have a night nanny so that I could get some sleep.

Ninety five percent of the time I was doing it all, which wasn't great for my health in hindsight, but in that moment it was incredibly important to me.

And I also don't have any regrets because I knew that I needed that too as part of my healing.

I remember the impact that that did have on me, though of course I was already navigating the emotional stuff, but physically I lost a lot of weight and I think I might have been forty five kilos, so you could see the weight, you know, the skin just hanging off my face, you could see my rib cage.

I looked really sick, and I was so depleted, and it was the physical body was now showing what was actually going inside of me, and it was not a lot.

Every ounce of energy, every ounce of happiness that I mustered together was going to the babies and there was nothing left.

So that was what the first year was.

It was truly survival, and it was giving every ounce of love to our babies.

And then I really started on my journey of going, Okay, I'm not in a good way and I need to make some change here.

And I had cried every day for three hundred and sixty five days, and I don't mean like a tear, I mean at least one full blown emotional meltdown, totally valid all things considered.

But it was that realization of even being around the joy of the babies that I'd realized I had cried every day for three hundred and sixty five days.

And it was that moment that I decided, I don't want our babies to only know me as sad mummy.

I'm dealing with enough they've got a long road ahead too.

I need to get help and I need to create change so that we can live a joyful life and that we can truly feel joy.

So that was really the moment as well, that I had lived this year of survival and I was now ready to prioritize my health.

Truly.

I'd been doing the psychology the whole way through, but there was more work that I needed to do.

I also decided to return to work, and so I knew that I was in a state of if I don't make change, I'm going to stay in this bubble and I'm going to find it harder to get out.

So I needed to start making some changes, really slow changes.

So I initially put the kids into daycare one day a week, and that happened for six months, and then I found the strength to return to work one day a week.

So everything was super tiny, and that's because I actually didn't have the capacity to do anything more than that.

So I would drop them at daycare.

It took me about a month to even leave the room.

So for a long time they were just doing like a one hour play date, and they kept saying, Ash, you know, you meant to leave and drop them off so they can get used to it, and I actually couldn't.

So I had to be really deliberate with what I was capable with and what I was able to handle, because I knew that if I got that wrong, I would send myself into sort of a worse spiral.

So I had to be really protective of my mental health initially.

And then, like I said, I returned to work one day week just to ease back into it and just take it slow.

So that was really the steps that I made to get myself back again.

It was a long, slow and at times debilitating journey, but bit by bit, Ash was able to start to build herself up and as best she could embrace this new life that had been thrust upon her.

I would say last year, so I would say four years after the accident is when I started to look in the mirror and see a glimpse of Ash.

I still look in the mirror and I don't recognize myself.

I'm not the same person and I never will be.

I can see deep down she's in there.

I'm a new version of Ash now and I'm a mum to beautiful triplets.

So that's the new woman that I see in the mirror.

I really miss a lot of the old version of Ash.

But there is a new version now.

So that's who I see now, and that's the woman that I'm becoming.

And yeah, the old Ash will never return.

And I think part of this healing journey has also been to I don't think I'll ever accept it, but to acknowledge that she's not coming back.

And that's incredibly hard for me.

But I realized that when I lost Matt, I lost myself.

I have felt Matt every every moment since he passed.

I've never questioned that I feel him, I hear him, I see him, and even though it was going home to an empty home, it was because he was with us anyway.

So I know he's still with us, and it's just in a different way.

I don't think there was a moment where I had, you know, the penny drop moment he's actually gone.

I think after the accident, I continued to wake up and I thought that every morning, because even though I was at the scene, I definitely had a moment of disbelief, and so I thought, maybe he just got lost on his run and he's just still coming home.

And I think maybe it was more just as every day passed, I got further away from that.

And so it was this gradual realization that this is my life now and I am alone, and I've never reconciled that, and I don't think I ever will.

The magnitude of the loss, yeah, I think because we were so connected, I guess that just hasn't gone.

I mean, obviously physically I've lost him, and I've lost the conversation, the companionship, and I still feel connected to him.

Still make decisions, you know, particularly for the kids, but just generally speaking, I make decisions with him in mind, like he is so present in my mind that I never doubt that he's not here.

And you know, I still catch myself saying our bedroom, or we've decided to do this, and then I go, oh, I mean I no, it is we.

And so it just feels this really strange feeling of it is us.

It's different, but it is still that.

And I know that people have different beliefs of that, and people can struggle with that thought process.

But to the kids and I, he is present and he is here.

They definitely look like him.

They've got his eyes, and there is so much that they do.

That kind of startles me and I go, oh, that's Daddy, And it's heartbreaking and beautiful at the same time because I see it and I go, oh, my gosh, he's so close again, and yeah, it just feels perfect and beautiful that he's so close.

The most important thing for me is that they know how much Daddy loves them.

So I've never been able to say Mummy loves you.

I can only say Mummy and Daddy love you because I am now his voice, and so I make sure that they know that.

And I'm constantly sharing stories and memories.

And I'm also allowing them, particularly as they get older, you know, to ask questions, but to also include Matt how they want to.

You know, it's not about me projecting grief, but it is about me sharing this is your dad, and these are all of the amazing story that I have of him.

Sometimes they will now ask me to play Daddy's music.

You know, they know his favorite songs, and you know, unprompted, they will ask for that and they love singing along, and so you know, it's allowing them to also include him if and when they feel it too.

We have a lot of photos around the house and they will often talk to those photos.

They talk about him every day.

You know, he is super present, and it's just in really simple, sort of mundane tasks that we just talk about him, and it's sort of Yeah, it's really up to them as well as to how much they want to ask or talk about him.

It's really lovely seeing as they're getting older, how they yeah, how they include him every day that passes.

I do fear getting more distant to Matt, and I know that there will be a point where I've been without Matt longer than I was with him, and I'm really fearful of that.

We've just celebrated another anniversary, another milestone, and it was because we married so late into our relationship, I've had more wedding anniversaries without him, and so that was our really really tough day.

So while I do fear it, I know he's with us, but it's not in the same way.

And so I fear forgetting even though I know I talk about him all the time and I look at photos and I do all of the things, but I'll still.

Carry that fear through everything.

Actually, it's not only been able to find but create joy and beauty in every aspect of her life, both in spite of and because of what she's weathered since losing man.

She's gone on to create a platform for other widows, knowing all too well what someone has to go through while also trying to navigate grief.

So I decided to create Yellow Falcon, and I created it for the girl that I am, not just for the girl that I was when I first lost Matt, but for the girl that I still am.

I was the widow tralling the Internet trying to find not just information as to that death admin that needs to happen, or you know, the feelings and the scenarios that I will go through, but also the community because I felt so lost and I didn't know.

I didn't know that there were other widows out there.

You know, often widow is associated with an older lady who loses her husband later in life, which is somewhat expected.

So I created this space because I realized that it didn't exist, and I also wanted to create something that was practical, because a lot of grief support is the emotional support, it's counseling services, it's support groups that is important.

There's a lot of practical that is included to as becoming a widow.

So yellow Falcon is the combination of both.

It is a place to be, to be seen, and it is yellow because it is joyful and there is hope.

And we're not defined by the darkness, We're not defined by the tragedy.

We are the falcon rising above the storm.

But falcon is also the bird that is quite powerful and peaceful.

So what I've created is a checklist of all of the death admin of which there is a lot.

And I had no idea because I was trolling government websites and utility company websites and it's just everywhere.

There is no one place, and you're already like sleep deprived, trying to navigate grief and you're just trying to find the information, and often the government sites are just in gibberish and like, I don't even know what that means means.

So I created this to have everything in one place, and then I built the course.

So I've built the Confident Widow Course, which is all about sharing the scenarios and the situations that we face as widows, and it's doing it in a way that's super easy, like seven minute video and then a workbook for you to just work through your individual situation.

But what I'm really proud of is that I've also put with it all of the templates that you need to document all of the phone calls.

I love a spreadsheet, so this is like my love language, and I am able to now gift this in a way that feels really purposeful.

So there are templates to share and to relieve some of the mental load.

And there's also all of the scripts.

So I've got over seventy four scripts and messages.

And this is everything from calling the bank and knowing what to say to get through to the right department, what documents you need to have available for that phone call, what questions they may ask you, but even like a text message that you could send to a friend to ask them to pets at your cap Like I wanted it to be everything, because there's so much mental loads.

So that's the course.

I've got a whole module on like financial and legal foundations and what you just need to get by until you can speak to a professional navigating grief with kids.

So just trying to be that really holistic.

And I never expected to work in grief, and I feel so aligned and everything I've created I've done and I've lived it.

I've just consolidated it now and I'm now sharing it.

It feels humbling and sad because when I created this initially, I created the checklist and I shared it with a funeral director as well as a grief and drama specialist, and I said, if I'm going to share this, I want to check that it's right, and between the two of them, highly experienced, they had one top point to add.

And that's when I had a big cry because I realized that I had done it all and I sort of hadn't really processed that.

And so doing this work now feels like I'm really proud of it, and I'm still in disbelief that I've done it now, created this and then sharing it.

So I always feel both, yeah, that the sadness is always there, and I know how helpful this can be.

So I feel really proud that I might be able to give some light and some hope to someone because I know the darkness they are in.

There's a lot that's different with new Ash.

She's a lot more resilient.

She's also a lot more fragile, and she's still working on her joy.

There is a lot there, but she's a lot more maybe cautious, and she's been through a lot.

There's a few things that come out of trauma because I can vividly recall sounds, smells.

Like I said, the time of the day, multiple things are a trigger, and that is due to trauma.

I don't cross the road unless it's out a set of traffic lights.

I'm very traumatized by that.

I'm very aware of road safety, especially with the kids.

We've actually just returned from a little holiday with some friends of ours and a beautiful you know, six families that we've met through daycare, and I definitely had some tears behind closed doors.

Seeing a dad with the family unit is hard watching, you know, dads build sand castles with their kids, hearing the kids laugh at dad, you know, dad jokes and that sort of thing.

But even seeing parents co parent and be able to tag team, you know, on this holiday, they're tag teaming parenting, they're tag teaming the chores.

They're even having a little nap during the day, and like all well and good, no hard feelings, and it's also really confronting, and you know, the easier thing would have been for me to have declined that trip and said, you know what, too much, can't do it.

Thanks, but no thanks, and then we would have missed the joy because this beautiful friendship circle also allowed me to experience that for a brief moment.

And these friends also support the kids and I and they also help me to give these memories to the kids.

They were helping me with the kids on their bikes, and so they make sure while they're creating their memories, there's also group memory.

But they're supporting me to help make memories with our kids too, and so there are things that are triggering, there's still that joy.

So that's where I'm finding joy now and it's not the same and it is in parallel with heartbreak, but I wouldn't have got that had we not gone on that trip, for example, I would have missed that.

And we have come away with beautiful memories and we've had a lot of fun.

I'm exhausted because I've done everything for four days.

There's no naps on my schedule, there's no tag teaming, and I am here, that's not I am and I get to do those things.

So it's never a feeling of jealousy towards our friends or to anyone else, any other family.

Of course I feel sad, but I get to do these things.

I get to show up for our kids, and there is a lot of beauty in that.

The future looks like more running races in the backyard with the kids, lots of straw milkshakes, and just joy.

That's what the future looks like, creating more joy.

I hope that our kids always know how much Mummy and Daddy love them, and honestly, I just hope that they're happy and healthy, because that is the greatest gift.

I will always feel such a deep sense of gratitude to and to continue to have such a deep love.

To have lived a fairy tale is truly magical, and so I always feel so much love for that, and to take that into life now and to be present and to despite the dark chapters, not be completely jaded by that that, yes, life is different now and I'm not the same and I look different in the mirror and all of those things, but to not let it ruin the rest of the book either, and that I can still rewrite well, I can still write those next chapters with a lot of love and a lot of joy, and it's not the book that I thought i'd be finishing, but there's still a lot of blank pages, so to allow myself to still live a fairy tale even though it's different.

But the kids and I have still got a beautiful life to live and a lot of joy and happiness to come, So I don't want to miss that.

Everyone has an Ex's a Minti Media production and proudly part of the Mum and mea Network.

This episode is written and narrated and the interview conducted by me Georgia Love and produced by Linda Scott.

If you have a story you'd like to share, email podcast at momamea dot com dot au.

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