Hello and welcome back to the podcast.

Today I want to check in and chat to those of you who are currently stuck on someone.

You have someone on your mind.

Perhaps you feel like you've tried everything to stop thinking about them.

You might feel like you're obsessing.

You might feel like you can not even focus on your daily life, that that can happen.

You know, it might feel like it's far fetched.

It might feel like that's different or that's not normal, but it happens.

I'm Carly Ann and I work with people with anxiety, anxious attachment, low self esteem, and people who fall into those categories often can obsess over things and situations even when it doesn't make sense to you.

And I'm guessing if you're listening to this episode or this podcast where you're following my work, this isn't something that you want to be doing.

I think that's something that's really key.

The people sort of in my world tend to be falling into these patterns and you really don't want to be, but you're aware of it now, which that's hard, right?

When when you go to that place where you're becoming aware of these cycles, aware of these patterns, that can be really tough.

So I guess what I want to do today is give you, I hope, some take away, some food for thought, some hope.

I think we need hope when we're in these trying times and maybe just if there's anything that you can take away from it that will make a difference for you.

So if you're watching on YouTube, by the way, or you're watching on Spotify, I've shared this before, but I don't really look into the camera.

They say that's the best thing to do, but I want to flow.

I want to chat with you.

And I feel like that's more important.

I feel like me sharing what I want to share is more important and I tend to find when I try and focus just in one spot, it doesn't flow as easily sometimes.

So we'll see how we go with that.

I'm sure I'll be looking up and down.

So let's think about it.

If you are in a state at the moment where someone's on your mind, let's just acknowledge how that feels because sometimes you can feel like you're going crazy.

You can feel like you're out of control, like you have no say over what you think about.

And I think that itself is tough, right?

That experience itself is really hard.

And you may find that you're trying different things.

Perhaps you're trying different self help resources, you're trying different tools, different ideas to redirect your attention, which that itself, that skill is, is really important, especially if you're someone who's who's anxious and trying to reclaim your life.

The skill to be able to redirect your attention, redirect your thoughts.

That is a skill that you definitely want to be learning.

I feel I'm, I'm, I'm thinking a lot about what people have told me helps them, what helps them to stand back in their power, what helps them to reduce the obsession.

Something that really comes to my mind is this idea of you reminding yourself that it is often, really often, and this can be hard to believe, but it's often not about this person.

Now some of you will be like, yes, I get it.

I needed that reminder.

It's not about this person.

There's something going on for me.

If I'm having this kind of reaction, there's something going on for me.

Something's been stirred up from my past, or there's a a pattern, a habitual pattern that I'm in when it comes to how I think or how I worry or what I get stuck on.

And I think that can be really powerful because it moves us away from that feeling of needing someone else.

And it must be about them.

It must be that they're the one and some of you will hear that and you might find that you actually don't really believe me.

You might find no, no, like this is the real deal For me.

It is about them because we have this connection and I've never opened up to someone or someone's never opened up to me like this.

You may have all the reasons why it is them.

It is specifically them and that's a fairpoint.

I'm I'm definitely open to that.

However, what I would say is, I guess still, we still have to say that even if you believe wholeheartedly that it is something about this person that makes them unique, them special, It's still a lot, right to be obsessing.

If it's at the point where you're unable to focus on your life, your dreams, what you want for yourself, what respects you, what lights you up.

If it's at the point where you're struggling with those things.

And, and I'm not talking about that this is immediately after a breakup and things like that.

Because there's certain times, I think there are certain times where we're in shock and we have to kind of process.

But when it's to that kind of obsession, I do feel that we have to look inwards.

Instead, we've got to look inwards and say what's going on there?

What is it that is creating that?

Is there some some some kind of subconscious, subconscious belief?

Are there old wounds being triggered here?

And if you're, I'm thinking about self help, because obviously this is a podcast, but in terms of self help, maybe journaling on that, meditating on that, going on a walk and reflecting on that.

I think that can be really powerful to really ask yourself or what is it about this person that seems to be particularly triggering for me or that I'm struggling to, to let go?

I guess it depends on your situation or struggling to not obsess and not think about them all the time.

Is there something that I can understand about myself that is going on that that's creating this?

And I guess something that we'll be really telling here is, is this a pattern that you've seen yourself in before?

If this kind of obsession or worrying or getting hooked on someone or something in this way, it's something that you've seen in yourself before, then perhaps that that is a sign that there's something going on for you.

And you'll probably know this already because I say this all the time.

It feels like I say this all the time.

But this isn't about saying you're the problem.

Blame yourself.

It's you that needs to fix yourself.

That is not the road that I take.

That's not the approach that I take when it comes to my therapy work and my my coaching.

And, and of course, I, I was saying this space we're often looking at at, at that coaching, that sort of self help world for you.

And yeah, it's never about that.

It is purely about self growth.

It's purely about personal development so that you can break this habit that you want to break.

And one of the one of the, I guess, traps that people often fall into.

And this is often who I, I don't work with, not don't work with.

But I would say that me as your coach of reclaiming your life from anxious attachment, from anxiety, from low self esteem, I would say I tend not to work with people who want to just purely think about what's going on in that other person's mind, why they did what they did, because because we don't have those answers.

It's you that we're working with.

So this is purely about personal development, about being able to say this isn't about them.

Let's not say that this about them.

Let's say this is about me.

I'm the one that's obsessing over them.

I'm the one that's hooked on something.

I am the one that is going through this process and I'm being able to understand myself in this without the blame, but with compassion and with understanding and actually with curiosity.

A lot of healing, a lot of becoming secure, becoming happy.

Becoming your true self is really about curiosity, being curious about your patterns.

We so much change come can come from that place of curiosity and thinking about again, thinking about that place, trying to connect to that place that you might be in.

If you're obsessing about someone, it's, it's powerful for you to take that sense of agency, to take back that sense of control and really say to yourself this, this is not about that person.

This person is not so special that your energy, your love, your happiness, maybe your sense of worth, maybe your sense of dignity, maybe yourself respect.

They're not going to be worth that.

They're not worth that, no matter how special you believe that they are, because this could be someone where the two of you are working it out.

This could be someone who's completely unavailable and and treating you poor.

I don't know that right.

So I've I'm sort of treading carefully there.

They're not worth all of your energy, your happiness, your your day-to-day life.

You know yourself and hopefully you've got some sense of the vision that you hold for yourself, the life that you want to create for yourself, the life that you feel pulled towards.

Hopefully you have some sense of that.

And if you don't, I highly recommend, highly, highly recommend you figuring that out.

Because if you're obsessed with someone else and you don't know the vision that you have for yourself, you don't know what your goals are, I would say that is something to really consider right?

If if you're obsessing over someone else, something doesn't add up there to not to not know some of the most important things about yourself, you know, So there's a little sign that maybe that obsession and that focus needs to go towards you.

I guess essentially, you know, hopefully you know what your vision is and, and what you want for yourself.

And if obsessing over someone or if this situation is in some way pulling you away from that, then that itself is something to just zoom out, zoom out of this for a moment and acknowledge like see this from that kind of helicopter point point of view.

And is this, is this a life that you have for yourself or that you want for yourself?

Because this is that reminder that you are valuable, you are worthy, and that you have so much to give.

And if you can see that, if you can tap into that, if you can take the energy that you're putting onto this person and put it onto something that's maybe a bit a bit outside of your comfort zone.

Or, you know, I've got some great stories of people that I've been working with and coaching that are losing themselves completely, losing themselves, their sense of self to someone else.

And they bring that energy back.

And we do that in so many different ways.

It depends on the person in front of me.

Sometimes it might be through a guided meditation.

Sometimes it might be through conversation.

Sometimes it's through like a visualization very similar to the guided meditation.

But we bring that energy back.

And then from there, you do something that's been outside of your comfort zone that maybe you've not had the energy for because the your life energy and your life force has been on this person.

So I think these are all really great things to remember and tune into right now.

If you're obsessing over someone else, it's not about them.

There's probably something going on for you, something kind of at the root of this core wounds, core beliefs that are driving this unmet needs, that kind of thing.

Really zooming out, zooming out on your life and asking yourself the way that things are right now, is this how I want to live?

Does this feel good?

Am I respecting myself?

Am I acting in alignment with who I am or how I want to live?

Or am I being hooked and pulled away from that?

And another key thing I mentioned was around using that energy, redirecting that energy and putting it into something that is going to light you up, that's going to move you towards what and who is important to you.

And let me tell you, those of you that are in this boat right now of obsessing over someone and I am cheerleading you, I've got your back.

You also need to have your own back.

You need to be your own best friend in this.

Remember, that's the other thing.

Meet yourself with curiosity, with compassion, with kindness, with understanding.

So often when I'm working with people, there are there are things from the past that have contributed to this.

I've actually got, if you're watching this, I've got ATV on over here and I'm just noticing it's changing all the light.

I should have pause that.

But anyway, so, so often the people that I'm working with, we see this, it becomes clear that there are significant life events.

I work with a lot of people where there is childhood developmental complex trauma and it makes sense that these patterns exist and that deserves self love.

I really hope that this has been useful.

I hope that you feel less alone.

I hope that you don't feel crazy because it is horrible.

When we're feeling anxious, we've already feeling a certain kind of way and then we're judging ourselves and we're feeling crazy and being hard on ourselves at the same time.

Because what you're going through, it's it's not an easy place to be.

You've got to really hold on to the fact that you will get through this because you are determined, you're doing this work, you're hear healing and hold on to that truth that you will get through this.

I am Carly Anne, I am a therapist and coach working with people that are living from a place of anxiety and fear and repeating patterns in your relationships.

In dating.

You see it at work, you probably see it in your daily life.

And I'm supporting people to reclaim their life, reclaim their happiness because I really do believe and I'm passionate about the fact that you deserve that.

And sometimes we need to update those beliefs ourself.

If you're listening to this on Spotify or on YouTube, please do leave a comment.

Let me know any key takeaways, any key gems that you took from this.

I recently started a new newsletter, Hidden Gems for Anxious Minds.

I'm just sending out random insights, resources, tools, ideas that inspire me, that inspire my clients.

And yeah, some days maybe I'm going to send 10A week.

I don't think that's actually going to happen, but sometimes it might be, you know, none that week.

It's really going to be based on my energy and what comes up.

So if you want to be on that list, I highly recommend you get on there.

Go to the description of wherever you're listening to this and you will see, yeah, all the details.

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And I will see you right back here soon.