[SPEAKER_00]: Welcome to Sexology, a podcast that untangles the science of sex and pleasure.

[SPEAKER_00]: And now, with this week's episode, your host, Clinical Psychologist, Dr.

Naseneen Moali.

[SPEAKER_01]: It will come back to another episode of the Sexology podcast where we explore the science and psychology of sex, relationships, and human connection.

[SPEAKER_01]: I'm your host, Dr.

Nazanine Moolly, and today we're diving into one of the most common roadblocks of intimacy, emotional disconnection.

[SPEAKER_01]: If you ever ask your partner, are you mad at me or felt like you were talking on eggshells in your relationship?

[SPEAKER_01]: This episode is for you.

[SPEAKER_01]: Joining me today is Rihanna Milan, a globally recognized trauma recovery coach.

[SPEAKER_01]: and licensed mental health counselor who specializes in helping people heal the emotional wounds that show up in love and sex.

[SPEAKER_01]: She shares why under-sold childhood trauma can lead to emotional distance in security and confusion in the bedroom, and how couples can rebuild both emotional and sexual safety after disconnection.

[SPEAKER_01]: Will explore why so many men fear they're doing something wrong without knowing what it is?

[SPEAKER_01]: How unresolved past wounds hijacked present-day intimacy, the difference between emotional attuned men's versus insecurity, and how to actually initiate sex after a fight in a way that brings you closer, not further apart.

[SPEAKER_01]: Raise your hand if you've ever gotten unsolicited nude.

[SPEAKER_01]: According to 2023 research report, over 50% of women under 50 undating apps have received sexual messages they didn't ask for.

[SPEAKER_01]: In fact, according to 2023 research study, 58% of men under 50 have received unwanted [SPEAKER_01]: That's why I love what highly short for hey I like you is doing.

[SPEAKER_01]: There are one of the few apps actually building features around healthy communication and boundaries.

[SPEAKER_01]: With consent guard, if someone tries to send a sexual message or nude, you get to choose whether or not you want to see it.

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[SPEAKER_01]: So whether you're exploring casual dating or looking for something more serious, highly makes space for real connection without the cringe or pressure.

[SPEAKER_01]: You can download highly on the App Store or Google Play or visit highly.com that's [SPEAKER_01]: Hello and welcome back to another episode of The Sexology Podcast.

[SPEAKER_01]: I am so excited to welcome Rihanna Mal to our show, Rihanna.

[SPEAKER_01]: Welcome to our show.

[SPEAKER_03]: Hi, Dr.

Nassau, happy to be here.

[SPEAKER_01]: Thanks for having me.

[SPEAKER_01]: I am so excited for our conversation.

[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you.

[SPEAKER_01]: Because I see often in my clients and many of our listeners, they're looking for ways to improve their sex life.

[SPEAKER_01]: is the main cause of their issues in the bedroom.

[SPEAKER_01]: Like no matter what toys you're using, what position you're using, if you're struggling with emotional disconnection, it's hard to have a desire.

[SPEAKER_01]: So can you tell us a little bit about how does you think the emotional disconnection impact people's desires?

[SPEAKER_01]: And I hear a lot when men say that they say their partner is mad at them, they don't know what's happening and that can be also difficult.

[SPEAKER_01]: Can you tell us a little bit about your experience with these issues?

[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_03]: Well, the obvious to me is that communication is key.

[SPEAKER_03]: That has to be first before sexuality.

[SPEAKER_03]: So if communication is broken down for women, there's a cave woman brain, which is the old brain in the back of her head.

[SPEAKER_03]: The number one thing she needs is to feel safe, safety.

[SPEAKER_03]: If a woman's not feeling safe, she's not feeling turned on.

[SPEAKER_03]: So if there is a fight, or the husband is ignoring her, or he's not giving her any attention, or he's moody, safety is first because she is the child bearer.

[SPEAKER_03]: So this is number one for a woman to be able to relax.

[SPEAKER_03]: If she, her body is in fight flight or freeze-mo meeting cortisol is up, then desire will always be down.

[SPEAKER_03]: So you have to remember safety first.

[SPEAKER_03]: So if she's with a partner that has bad moods shuts down, well communicate, then she's not feeling in a place of desire.

[SPEAKER_03]: So that's where the problem is.

[SPEAKER_03]: If she's not feeling it, she's not going to want to have sex.

[SPEAKER_03]: Also, you know, it's [SPEAKER_03]: The sexual center of the brain in a man is seven times out of a woman, a lot of men don't know this, okay?

[SPEAKER_03]: So this is the issue.

[SPEAKER_03]: They expect women to have having one sex like they do, but they are women, okay?

[SPEAKER_03]: So the five senses of a woman has to be turned on first.

[SPEAKER_03]: what she sees, hears, smells, tastes, touch, presents us have to be ignited.

[SPEAKER_03]: So this is a huge difference between men and women's sexuality, right?

[SPEAKER_03]: So if a man thinks her partner's mad at them, and the woman is not saying, why she's mad, that she's not feeling safe to communicate her wishes, needs, desires, or concerns, that there's a problem or issue in the relationship.

[SPEAKER_03]: nail into the men of my coaching clients, like you must make her feel safe to tell you anything without jumping on her or being defensive or yelling or cursing or screaming.

[SPEAKER_03]: Because as soon as that happens, she shut down.

[SPEAKER_01]: Absolutely.

[SPEAKER_01]: And I know that it's very unfortunate because society often teaches men there is one and only one emotion to be okay for them It is okay for them to express it and that is anger right the only emotion they know how to express is anger [SPEAKER_01]: and that gets in the way of you creating the safe environment that you mentioned.

[SPEAKER_01]: And sometimes people get this stories show off for them, that gets in the way of connecting sexually with a partner, which one of the common ones is my partner is withholding sex, or they're weaponizing sex.

[SPEAKER_01]: When in reality, it's more about the partner, not feeling [SPEAKER_01]: I'm sure that you highlighted the communication piece and I don't think it's all falls in one partner.

[SPEAKER_01]: The man needs to fix a relationship.

[SPEAKER_02]: No, it's the communication guidance of the couple.

[SPEAKER_01]: I need to be a back and forth dance.

[SPEAKER_01]: So when people feel there's something wrong in the relationship, like we all have been at a place I'm walking in an excelsa time.

[SPEAKER_01]: What do you think is underneath when people ask, are you mad at me, and they feel there's something wrong, but they don't know how to address it?

[SPEAKER_03]: Okay, we'll sadly know when teachers ask the fine art of communications.

[SPEAKER_03]: not our parents, not in our schools.

[SPEAKER_03]: So people are grasping its straws on how to correctly communicate.

[SPEAKER_03]: They only do what they know, which was modeled by their mom and dad growing up and very often, it's highly dysfunctional.

[SPEAKER_03]: Yetling, screaming, cursing, shutting down passive aggressive behavior is all considered dysfunctional.

[SPEAKER_03]: no one should be yelling at their partner unless or on harm's way.

[SPEAKER_03]: Period.

[SPEAKER_03]: Okay, so there's a way to communicate your wants needs and desires in a kind and loving way and people need to learn that.

[SPEAKER_03]: That's why a lot of people come to me for coaching because they're not able to even talk about issues and then they're not connecting anymore.

[SPEAKER_03]: But both women and men feel like they're walking on eggshell.

[SPEAKER_03]: So it's not just a male issue.

[SPEAKER_03]: It's a much bigger issue underlying the lack of sexual desire.

[SPEAKER_03]: So what exactly is that?

[SPEAKER_03]: Well, if you ignore what the issue is, then the connection will never be there.

[SPEAKER_03]: And women are feeling, well, I guess I have to have sex because we haven't had it for a while, but I'm still not feeling very connected to him.

[SPEAKER_03]: So, [SPEAKER_03]: You know, it's as back and forth, if you ignore it, if you ignore the, then bigger connection, disconnection happens, right, so you have to get beyond the larger issues or what we call the elephant in the room, really get to that and see what is really destroying the relationship and the desire.

[SPEAKER_03]: just asking the question, are you mad at me?

[SPEAKER_03]: Is something going on for you?

[SPEAKER_03]: And asking a kind and loving way and listen to what your partner has to say.

[SPEAKER_03]: And instead of being defensive or argumentive, I've approached it like a team, well, let's see what we can do to help solve this issue.

[SPEAKER_03]: What would you like to happen?

[SPEAKER_03]: Well, maybe if you we try what you suggest and I think maybe we could try this in this too, then you're now going towards connection again.

[SPEAKER_03]: Keep in mind, nobody can mind read the other person.

[SPEAKER_03]: You got to be able to be feel safe enough to discuss.

[SPEAKER_03]: what your needs once in desires are.

[SPEAKER_03]: That's the most important part and get beyond the issue.

[SPEAKER_03]: And it takes a lot of conscious practice in the communication skills.

[SPEAKER_03]: There's many of them that I teach that once you get them, you know, the connection is really ongoing then, because there's no anger or shut down because you're afraid to say what you need to say to your partner.

[SPEAKER_03]: right?

[SPEAKER_03]: So it really has to be open kind, loving, flowing communication, even when issues come up, especially when issues come up.

[SPEAKER_01]: Tell us more about the flowing piece, right?

[SPEAKER_01]: The open and kind, it kind of, I think people, it's a good kind of aspect of things they need, they need to be in my mind full of, but what do you mean is flowing?

[SPEAKER_03]: Flowing very often in a pattern in [SPEAKER_03]: conflicting couples is one will talk right at the other and the other just distance and shuts down.

[SPEAKER_03]: You know, you hear, well, show chase me around the house and try to get an answer for me, and I don't even know what the answer is, or he'll scream at me and when an answer and I'm afraid to say what it is, right?

[SPEAKER_03]: So a flow is like an infinity circle.

[SPEAKER_03]: He talks, she talks, he talks, she talks.

[SPEAKER_03]: It is a flow of a balance of back and forth communication, not one person talking for 20 minutes and then the other ones trying to get their question in or point of view or clarity to what they said 20 minutes ago, and the communications broke in down.

[SPEAKER_03]: And then I hear people say, well, he's not listening to me.

[SPEAKER_03]: I'm not being heard.

[SPEAKER_03]: Well, you're talking for 20 minutes.

[SPEAKER_03]: He's can't help but hear you.

[SPEAKER_03]: He's right in the room with you.

[SPEAKER_03]: He hears you.

[SPEAKER_03]: But the problem is you don't give him any space to answer back.

[SPEAKER_03]: So slowing it all down, talking calmly with kindness.

[SPEAKER_03]: This is the practice that we do.

[SPEAKER_03]: So that communication can be open and flowing and back and forth.

[SPEAKER_03]: So each person is heard and has a point of view and has that chance to ask questions or clarify.

[SPEAKER_01]: And it's true that sometimes in our nervous system and how do we manage learn to manage high stress situation, right?

[SPEAKER_01]: Some people go to this fight place and they're in their district, they attack and attack and some people go to this place of freeze and they shut down.

[SPEAKER_01]: and I have clients that they tell me at times.

[SPEAKER_01]: I don't even hear what my partner says.

[SPEAKER_01]: I'm in the room, but I'm not able to hear what my partner say because they're out of their window of tolerance.

[SPEAKER_01]: At this point, it's just a matter of survival.

[SPEAKER_01]: Each partner is like [SPEAKER_01]: How do you teach people to pause?

[SPEAKER_01]: Is that something you recommend?

[SPEAKER_01]: Because sometimes when things start to escalate, it comes to the point that there is nothing positive comes from it.

[SPEAKER_02]: Right.

[SPEAKER_01]: Tell us more about the pause strategy and coming back to strategy when there's conflict conflict.

[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_03]: I have something that I call a tea break or a therapeutic break.

[SPEAKER_03]: If one or the other is feeling anxious and it's going nowhere and they want to stop, they just get the tea symbol or like hunt time out.

[SPEAKER_03]: Let's take a tea break and they both stop talking.

[SPEAKER_03]: Don't finish your point.

[SPEAKER_03]: Don't chase the other one.

[SPEAKER_03]: This is Rihanna's rules.

[SPEAKER_03]: Stop talking and then [SPEAKER_03]: get some physical distance so you can re-regulate your body system.

[SPEAKER_03]: So I say, go out and walk the dog or say, you know, I got to go buy gas for the car tomorrow.

[SPEAKER_03]: I'll be back in a half hour.

[SPEAKER_03]: You know, go the grocery shop and go to the gym.

[SPEAKER_03]: Just take a pause if you can get out of that same environment with that person just announced where you're going.

[SPEAKER_03]: But it is not a time to say, I'm going drinking with the boys.

[SPEAKER_03]: Now, that's not what I'm talking about.

[SPEAKER_03]: It is a brief break of 20 minutes to an hour where you get away.

[SPEAKER_03]: You do some deep breaths that they have learned in meditations, and deep meditated breaths, calm down the brain and the body, because when you're in hyper mode, your cortisol is up, and memory and focus is down, and you're not coming up with the great solutions that you need.

[SPEAKER_03]: So you do some meditative breaths, you take a walk, you do what you need to do, and you ask yourself, what is it that they're really trying to say to me, what is it that they really need?

[SPEAKER_03]: When you can clarify that, what two solutions can I come back with?

[SPEAKER_03]: So partner A and partner B is coming back with two solutions.

[SPEAKER_03]: They're both calm because they're both doing the same type of exercise and deep breathing.

[SPEAKER_03]: And thinking about what does the other partner want, trying to understand, put yourself in your partner's shoes.

[SPEAKER_03]: If this happened to me, how would I feel those kind of questions or what you're asking?

[SPEAKER_03]: And then you come back and you communicate, you know, without TV on, without noise, [SPEAKER_03]: on.

[SPEAKER_03]: I'd like to hear what ideas you've come up with that I need to discuss the four ideas on the table.

[SPEAKER_03]: What is the best for the team?

[SPEAKER_03]: Then I always remind my couples you are a team.

[SPEAKER_03]: It's you and me against the world because the world is difficult enough.

[SPEAKER_03]: So the couple must be a team.

[SPEAKER_03]: And that's how you have to approach your relationship.

[SPEAKER_03]: What's best for us?

[SPEAKER_03]: So those are the solutions they discuss.

[SPEAKER_03]: And when this becomes an easier practice, they may not need that hour break or half hour break.

[SPEAKER_03]: You know, they might just say, okay, let's discuss a couple solutions that we can work with here.

[SPEAKER_03]: Because again, when cortisol is up, that fight flight or freeze, [SPEAKER_03]: So yelling and screaming is not the answer ever.

[SPEAKER_03]: It's coming back into your rational mind by calming everything down and saying, what is it I can do to help be a part of this team and bring a solution.

[SPEAKER_01]: I love the team approach, I think that's very important.

[SPEAKER_01]: And at times I tell people, like maybe when you're coming back, we are starting with rephrasing what we heard our partners said, because sometimes some people try to go on a point over and over, because they feel unheard, but their focus is on the solution, right?

[SPEAKER_01]: Like maybe we're have summarizing, I heard this, this, this, this is what I think would might be helpful.

[SPEAKER_01]: And sometimes it might take a couple of tries, but it also like that kind of having this kind of mindfulness video body as well, because many of my clients say, okay, if I come back, I still might not be able to listen to my partner for a long period of time.

[SPEAKER_01]: So maybe an issue needs to be multiple times of people coming back together.

[SPEAKER_01]: But the coming back together is really important.

[SPEAKER_01]: There is a [SPEAKER_03]: But yeah, this is not a time doctrine as to throw up the past.

[SPEAKER_03]: Well, when you did this before, you know, and going for a bigger argument, keep it at the topic at hand real important.

[SPEAKER_03]: And yeah, there's a lot of other rules around this.

[SPEAKER_03]: That's a very simplified version of the tea break, but yeah, there's all kinds of other communication rules that I call them through them to learn and practice because we are breaking.

[SPEAKER_03]: very deep rooted subconscious norms, behaviors from childhood that don't really serve us in communication.

[SPEAKER_03]: So you have to learn the rules, practice them, and be very conscious about every word you say.

[SPEAKER_03]: And that's not only the spoken word, that's text, emails, written, spoken word, think before you do.

[SPEAKER_03]: And then we have a whole other thing is this good for me, the woman is a good for the one I love my man is a good for my children and extended family is a good for my reputation on the job or in the community if and out go without saying it doing it writing it so these are like.

[SPEAKER_03]: rules that our clients learn and practice practice practice over four to six months, so that their whole demeanor and way of communicating with themselves, even in their self-talk and others, right, is totally changed up.

[SPEAKER_01]: That is so important because as you said, part of these things are even generational learning habits like you, we learn this script of this is how women show up in the conversation, this is how acceptable way of communication is [SPEAKER_01]: And right now we are trying to see what works in this time in our relationship and the goal is resolving the issue versus like winning.

[SPEAKER_01]: I think that's one of the kind of like a more important thing people keep in mind that [SPEAKER_01]: With your partner, a problem resolution is so much more productive long-term for your sex life and relational life versus wanting to win.

[SPEAKER_01]: I know many people, when they are especially seated a lot, the penis owner and man, that one way of repairing a relationship, repairing conflict is wanting to have sex.

[SPEAKER_01]: They initiate sex as a way to reconnect.

[SPEAKER_01]: And sometimes it just like can backfire.

[SPEAKER_01]: Kids, can you tell us more about that?

[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, I would say that's the worst way to try to have sex with your partner right after fight because the female body is not ready.

[SPEAKER_03]: Number one, you always have to remember she has to feel safe.

[SPEAKER_03]: Think of the intimate act of sex itself.

[SPEAKER_03]: She is opening herself to you.

[SPEAKER_03]: If she is closed down with fear, there's no way she's going to feel desire to open herself to make love.

[SPEAKER_03]: So if you are controlling her or trying to talk her into it or controlling her into it, you may get the sex, but you've just killed your relationship and it's going to get worse.

[SPEAKER_03]: I mean, I've been doing therapy and coaching for over 25 years.

[SPEAKER_03]: That's the number one thing I hear from women.

[SPEAKER_03]: I hate when my guy once acts, I'm not feeling it.

[SPEAKER_03]: He makes me feel guilty.

[SPEAKER_03]: So I go along with it and I am seeping inside.

[SPEAKER_03]: I have to hate you, right?

[SPEAKER_03]: So what do you want more?

[SPEAKER_03]: A temporary sex or do you want to let her relax, talk through the issue that her body re-regulate into a state of calm and safety?

[SPEAKER_03]: Right, this is so important.

[SPEAKER_03]: And you have to realize this is her brain and biology.

[SPEAKER_03]: Okay, if she needs a day or two, then that's what she needs.

[SPEAKER_03]: But trying to control her and convince her is probably the worst thing you can do.

[SPEAKER_03]: She is stuck in fight flight or freeze response, which just kills her sexual desire.

[SPEAKER_03]: So afterwards, become, be loving.

[SPEAKER_03]: They'll be selfish and want that connection just for you.

[SPEAKER_03]: She's not in the place where she wants sex right now.

[SPEAKER_03]: So just be.

[SPEAKER_03]: a good guy.

[SPEAKER_03]: Now be the man she fell in love with, huh?

[SPEAKER_03]: That's okay.

[SPEAKER_03]: I understand we just had a pretty big fight and I'm here for you when you're ready.

[SPEAKER_03]: I do love you.

[SPEAKER_03]: I do desire you, but you take the time you need.

[SPEAKER_03]: Now if you responded to your woman like that, it's not going to take a very long to turn back around.

[SPEAKER_03]: So really it's up to you in how fast that you have your intimacy back.

[SPEAKER_03]: How do you handle it?

[SPEAKER_03]: You know, and on a regular basis, you need to ask your woman, what's her best time when is she feeling most desire?

[SPEAKER_03]: Okay, I kind of think God messes this one up when he's bike testosterone and men in the morning, because that's usually the woman's worst time to want to be intimate.

[SPEAKER_03]: Again, from over 25 years, I hear this is called duty sex, married sex, chore sex, [SPEAKER_03]: Why does he always have to have sex every morning and they go along with it initially and then there's stuck in that routine and they have come to hate it.

[SPEAKER_03]: So when is her best time?

[SPEAKER_03]: Remember five senses have to be turned on for women to feel turned on in her brain first.

[SPEAKER_03]: Then it goes down to her body.

[SPEAKER_03]: She's not built like a man.

[SPEAKER_03]: So you have to respect the differences.

[SPEAKER_03]: So keep dating her.

[SPEAKER_03]: Get her out on a date, get her away from the house, go have fun, dress nice, smell nice, romance her.

[SPEAKER_03]: I went to have a couple in my office, goes, why do I have to keep dating or I married her?

[SPEAKER_03]: And I said, we still want to have sex or not.

[SPEAKER_03]: Because, well, of course, I said, well, Ben, what made you fall in love with each other?

[SPEAKER_03]: Your dates, going out, having fun, I call it the fun factor.

[SPEAKER_03]: When's the last time you had fun, and they can't even think of the last time?

[SPEAKER_03]: You know, so keep dating, keep showing up for each other.

[SPEAKER_03]: You know, men, cave man, brain is hard-wired for attraction.

[SPEAKER_03]: Why?

[SPEAKER_03]: Because he procreates the race.

[SPEAKER_03]: Women often say, oh, men are so shallow that they just want to pretty sexy girl.

[SPEAKER_03]: Ladies, he can't help it.

[SPEAKER_03]: Alright, just the same thing.

[SPEAKER_03]: In reverse, he is pre-programmed to want that.

[SPEAKER_03]: So be the best that you can be, do your hair, do your makeup, dress nice, show up nice, not only for your dates, but also inside of the home.

[SPEAKER_03]: So remember the physiology, the brain science, and what is the attraction factor [SPEAKER_03]: Right, so having fun having a sense of adventure because if you have a peaceful home where the men are stepping up and also helping with household chores and the children because very often most women are also earning money today, which is a male considered a male stereotypic role.

[SPEAKER_03]: right before she could just be at home and take care of the kids.

[SPEAKER_03]: Well now she's working full time.

[SPEAKER_03]: Why should she be doing the household chores and raising the children full time?

[SPEAKER_03]: This is not going to work in today's society.

[SPEAKER_03]: So men have to be equal partners with the children in the home of the household chores.

[SPEAKER_03]: she is helping equally with money coming into the home to support the family.

[SPEAKER_03]: This is what I'm saying, this is the team concept that having peace for yourselves, that is a relationship, a couple, and having peace for your children.

[SPEAKER_03]: So you are not teaching them, also bad behaviors, childhood trauma goes to at least three generations.

[SPEAKER_03]: So you don't want to teach them to be yelling [SPEAKER_03]: So keep the home a place of peace, get excitement and fun factor by doing dates at least twice a week and on weekends, you know, on the weekends, that's all you've got.

[SPEAKER_03]: That's the time you have to use and, you know, that's where you're exciting factor can come in and that's usually when a woman can relax, laugh and she gets into her her sense of desire.

[SPEAKER_01]: Well, really, sometimes some of the mail that I work with men that I work with and I can imagine you relate to, you say that I've done everything.

[SPEAKER_01]: Like I've done, I tried all strategies and my partner continues to not want to have sex and I don't want to talk about it.

[SPEAKER_01]: Or there's always something.

[SPEAKER_01]: What is the way that you recommend people to communicate that hurt with their partner?

[SPEAKER_01]: Because if the communication is like, oh, I'm going to have an affair because you never want to have sex with me.

[SPEAKER_01]: Or this is not working for me because you never want me, right?

[SPEAKER_01]: With threats, we do kind of think that lead to more of a disconnection.

[SPEAKER_01]: Right?

[SPEAKER_01]: That is the way that you recommend people to bring up when they feel they're doing their best and their sexual needs are not getting met.

[SPEAKER_03]: They need a really good love trauma recovery coach that's what I do that's what they need because they're not able to communicate the deeper issues.

[SPEAKER_03]: There's some fear factor going on inside the relationship at the woman's not able to open up and speak her feelings is because he might yell he might threaten.

[SPEAKER_03]: Section never be used as a threat.

[SPEAKER_03]: That's ridiculous.

[SPEAKER_03]: That's usually towards the end of the marriage of that stuff's happening.

[SPEAKER_03]: you really need to get help.

[SPEAKER_03]: You need to get to the bottom of the issues.

[SPEAKER_03]: You need to make each other feel safe.

[SPEAKER_03]: And I have had men come to me where the women did not make the men feel safe to disclose their concerns.

[SPEAKER_03]: So I'm not trying to put this all on the men here, guys.

[SPEAKER_03]: Totally, you know, I've men and women that come to me.

[SPEAKER_03]: So it's kind of equal that you both have to really get to the bottom of the issues.

[SPEAKER_03]: It tends to be when women are turned off, men seem to want sex more because in their brain having sex equals loving connection.

[SPEAKER_03]: Well, for women's not feeling safe, she's not feeling desire.

[SPEAKER_03]: So you have to get to the bottom of why she's not feeling safe.

[SPEAKER_03]: That is the number one need.

[SPEAKER_03]: And then getting a good trauma recovery coach because certainly if there was an affair, [SPEAKER_03]: If there's yelling and screaming threatening, passive aggressive behavior, that's all love trauma.

[SPEAKER_03]: You know, so how long is this trauma been going on and whittling away at the fun and connection that you had when you first met, you know, you have to invest in your time and energy to learn a different way and coaching is educational some people want to just go to a counselor.

[SPEAKER_03]: But a counselor is not an educational program.

[SPEAKER_03]: That's what coaching is.

[SPEAKER_03]: Coaching is let's get through the skills you need.

[SPEAKER_03]: Let's have you practice them.

[SPEAKER_03]: Hold accountable to weekly practice and little home work.

[SPEAKER_03]: Check in with me, partner A.

[SPEAKER_03]: Let's heal your child, her trauma is partner B.

[SPEAKER_03]: Let's heal your child of traumas and 100% of us have some.

[SPEAKER_03]: And then let's heal the trauma of the relationship.

[SPEAKER_03]: So there's three entities we have to look at, part A, B, and the relationship.

[SPEAKER_03]: Once all that is healed and you're communicating through it, I call it a rainbow.

[SPEAKER_03]: There's a lot of skills you're learning on the upside and practicing.

[SPEAKER_03]: I use like 150 page workbook so that is coaching with a workbook model and education.

[SPEAKER_03]: Then when they've got that down, it's like sliding down the hill into the pot of cold.

[SPEAKER_03]: It's easy.

[SPEAKER_03]: In at the end they're like, I can't even believe we either write like this.

[SPEAKER_03]: You know, it's such a complete turnaround and there's nothing like it.

[SPEAKER_03]: I, you know, I say we rebuild your relationship, but better.

[SPEAKER_03]: And now they don't go back to the past.

[SPEAKER_03]: That's another communication role.

[SPEAKER_03]: Don't discuss the past.

[SPEAKER_03]: You can't change it.

[SPEAKER_03]: It's gone.

[SPEAKER_03]: It's done.

[SPEAKER_03]: Let's work live in the moment.

[SPEAKER_03]: Let's live in the now and create our future that we want.

[SPEAKER_03]: What is the life we desire?

[SPEAKER_03]: And what is the type of love that we deserve?

[SPEAKER_03]: Because that's what we're going for.

[SPEAKER_01]: So I like the approaches of here and now and the skill-based kind of approaches because skill is something that's missing for many people.

[SPEAKER_01]: We have learned it from our family of origin or they had the version that worked for their generation.

[SPEAKER_01]: Their situation is no longer serving you currently.

[SPEAKER_01]: I guess sometimes when whether it's a couple therapy with her is trauma coaching that requires both partner to come in.

[SPEAKER_01]: Sometimes we witness that one partner has more motivation they want to do it.

[SPEAKER_01]: The other partner doesn't want to do it.

[SPEAKER_01]: So how do you recommend people to invite their partner to join decisions?

[SPEAKER_03]: Well, I always say partner A.

[SPEAKER_03]: If you want this to work, you've got to get started.

[SPEAKER_03]: You can't wait for the reluctant partner.

[SPEAKER_03]: And one of two things will happen.

[SPEAKER_03]: You will become so emotionally healthy that you're done with this toxic relationship.

[SPEAKER_03]: And you have the strength and confidence to say, I'm sorry I'm done.

[SPEAKER_03]: move on or number two you will be changing so much and your happiness level will go way up that your partner will say oh man she's gonna leave me she she was serious and now i'm going to be left behind i don't want to go out and start dating again it [SPEAKER_03]: 64 years old and lose half my wealth because I wouldn't change that I'm angry and yelling at her.

[SPEAKER_03]: I've had several men do that.

[SPEAKER_03]: That's why that's a good example for me.

[SPEAKER_03]: Where they call on say, Rihanna, can I still come in here?

[SPEAKER_03]: She's going to leave me and I said, yes, she probably will.

[SPEAKER_03]: Because now I'm ready to come in, and then I can repair the relationship.

[SPEAKER_03]: But it does take too.

[SPEAKER_03]: I have worked with people, only one partner when the other one is refusing, partner A will do everything in their power to change with the skills that they have learned.

[SPEAKER_03]: But in the meanwhile, like I said, the confidence is going up.

[SPEAKER_03]: They wanted to lose weight, they're losing weight, they're exercising, they're getting in shape.

[SPEAKER_03]: We are looking at their whole life.

[SPEAKER_03]: That's what a life coach does, right?

[SPEAKER_03]: I'm a life coach.

[SPEAKER_03]: We look at everything in life, their friends, their work, their income, how they feel about themselves, mind, body, spirit, everything.

[SPEAKER_03]: And when they start changing and growing, you know, if the other person was there, they usually start asking questions or pick up one of my books, that's a guy read one of my books because oh my god, I'm [SPEAKER_03]: I'm all over your chapter one, which is personality types that will break your heart.

[SPEAKER_03]: I said for all from what I've heard, yes, there's quite a few examples in there that could fit to you.

[SPEAKER_03]: You guys, can I still come in instead of she will allow you to come in?

[SPEAKER_03]: Yes, you can still come in.

[SPEAKER_03]: So yes, it's never too late, but you do work best with two willing partners.

[SPEAKER_03]: Sometimes when I have a person almost out the door, [SPEAKER_03]: I say, before he makes this investment in you as a couple, will you promise me and him that you won't quit before the program is done?

[SPEAKER_03]: Will you give it to six months that he's willing to invest in?

[SPEAKER_03]: And if they say yes, then I will move ahead.

[SPEAKER_03]: And it's amazing how the relationship changes.

[SPEAKER_03]: And I have a couple like this right now.

[SPEAKER_03]: She's there.

[SPEAKER_03]: I am shocked at how much he changed.

[SPEAKER_03]: because he was cursing and yelling at me and mad at me every time it fired in one sex and, you know, I just said, I can.

[SPEAKER_03]: I don't feel it and then he's thinking he's taking that personally.

[SPEAKER_03]: What I'm not good looking enough, you know, it was a toxic mess, right?

[SPEAKER_03]: So they have learned to work through all of that and they're looking at engagement.

[SPEAKER_03]: You know, so it don't have to be a married couple.

[SPEAKER_03]: This was an exclusive couple, but she didn't think the relationship was going to be the right one for her, but he did truly love her and realize he was going to lose her.

[SPEAKER_03]: If he didn't step up and change the very talks of patterns he learns, remember childhood trauma is not our fault, right?

[SPEAKER_03]: You are only learned this by being a product of your environment.

[SPEAKER_03]: As children were very innocent, [SPEAKER_03]: There's nothing we can do or stuck at our homes or stuck with the angry mother or father, the alcoholic dad, there's not much we can do and then kids get angry themselves like, why does my dad hit me all the time.

[SPEAKER_03]: So, you know, these patterns just perpetuate over time unless we consciously break them.

[SPEAKER_03]: And that's what has to happen.

[SPEAKER_03]: So that's why I do both childhood trauma and then love trauma, which means any kind of damage that happened in a prior or current relationship is called love trauma.

[SPEAKER_03]: But they go hand in hand, because the childhood trauma causes love trauma.

[SPEAKER_01]: I think looking at the past can be beneficial to understand our origin stories and the wounds because sometimes when we have the symptoms that you want to change, maybe it's anger, maybe it's disconnection, understanding where it comes from and the purpose it serves, it can help us to change how things are right now and it requires having some difficult conversation [SPEAKER_01]: mediator coach, counselor, therapist, it's really helpful to be able to sit with those difficult conversations and being able to practice change.

[SPEAKER_01]: So for our listeners that they want to learn more about you, your book, what are some of the places they can look into.

[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, very, very good.

[SPEAKER_03]: Yes, my website is the best place to start.

[SPEAKER_03]: It's my name, Rihanna, Milne.com.

[SPEAKER_03]: R-I-A-N-A-M-I-L-N-E.com.

[SPEAKER_03]: And I have a lot of free resources there.

[SPEAKER_03]: It's a best place to go.

[SPEAKER_03]: There's four love tests.

[SPEAKER_03]: One is the child, her trauma checklist, start there.

[SPEAKER_03]: And one is a red flag checklist.

[SPEAKER_03]: So if you're in a partnership, what red flags are going on for you and your partner?

[SPEAKER_03]: I also have free book chapter downloads of my number one bestseller.

[SPEAKER_03]: Love beyond your dreams.

[SPEAKER_03]: Break free of toxic relationships to have a love you deserve.

[SPEAKER_03]: And the partner book, which is live beyond your dreams, from fear and doubt to personal power, purpose and success.

[SPEAKER_03]: Because again, remember the childhood trauma is also play with your self esteem and how you feel about yourself.

[SPEAKER_03]: So desire can impact that as well.

[SPEAKER_03]: Right.

[SPEAKER_03]: So they're meant to go together.

[SPEAKER_03]: Once mindset and one is techniques for love and then I have a podcast called Lessons in Life and Love with Coach Rihanna Mellon with 125 shows and probably 350 audio and videos on my YouTube channel.

[SPEAKER_03]: If you need my help, just reach out to me right on the website for Life and Love Transformation Discovery Session.

[SPEAKER_03]: It's not a super special right now.

[SPEAKER_03]: And I work two hours privately with you to get to the bottom of the childhood trauma, which you're impacting you in Life and Love today.

[SPEAKER_03]: So it's a really empowering two-hour session that you're in a learn a lot.

[SPEAKER_03]: So, and if I can help you guys just reach out, you know, it's really miraculous to see that once you learn the skills, and again, nobody taught them to you, so it's not your fault.

[SPEAKER_03]: But think to know today is that you can change your relationship dynamic to be more loving, more passionate, more sensual, and sexual for both partners, and that is the ultimate goal.

[SPEAKER_01]: Well, thank you so much Rihanna for coming in the show.

[SPEAKER_01]: The link to the website will be in the show notes.

[SPEAKER_01]: And thanks for everything that you're doing.

[SPEAKER_01]: And hopefully we will have you in our future episode.

[SPEAKER_03]: Thank you.

[SPEAKER_03]: Thank you.

[SPEAKER_03]: I do want to encourage them.

[SPEAKER_03]: Today is a day to create the life you desire and have the love you deserve.

[SPEAKER_03]: And Dr.

NAS has a free gift to for you in the show notes as well to make sure you pick up those two free e-books on what is emotionally healthy what love and what is toxic love because you need to know the difference.

[SPEAKER_03]: Thank you.

[SPEAKER_03]: You're welcome.

[SPEAKER_01]: Thanks for tuning in to today's episode.

[SPEAKER_01]: Remember, emotional disconnection doesn't just show up in silence.

[SPEAKER_01]: It often shows up in the bedroom too, but they're you're trying to rebuild intimacy after conflict, or finally want to stop walking on excels, learning how to reconnect.

[SPEAKER_01]: Emotionally yours sexually is possible, and if you're dating right now and craving connection that feels both exciting and emotionally safe, check out highly that's H-I-L-Y, the dating app builds for people who are done with ghosting games and unsolicited news, with features like consent guard, you're always in control of how and when conversations [SPEAKER_01]: download highly on the App Store or Google Play or visit highly.com to learn more.

[SPEAKER_01]: If you found today's episode helpful, be sure to follow or subscribe and share it with someone who might need to hear this.

[SPEAKER_01]: Until next time, take care of your heart, your body and your connection.

[SPEAKER_01]: Thanks for listening to Sixology Podcasts.

[SPEAKER_01]: For more great content, visit www.sixologypodcast.com.

[SPEAKER_01]: Please be advised that information presented on this podcast is not a substitute for seeking help from a licensed mental health provider.