[SPEAKER_00]: Welcome to Sexology, a podcast that untangles the science of sex and pleasure.

[SPEAKER_00]: And now, with this week's episode, Your Host, Clinical Psychologist, Dr.

Nazaneen Moali.

[SPEAKER_02]: Hello and welcome back to Episode 459 of The Sexology Podcast.

[SPEAKER_02]: I'm your host, Dr.

Nazaneen Moali.

[SPEAKER_02]: and today we're diving into the intersection of porn, King, and confidence with the guests who were many hats.

[SPEAKER_02]: Life coach, hypnot therapist, educator, and sex content creator.

[SPEAKER_02]: My guest, Matthew, also known as English-letter master, has been decades helping people navigate sexuality from both inside and outside the bedroom.

[SPEAKER_02]: In this episode, we explore the questions so many of us [SPEAKER_02]: Does poor actually teach us how to be good lovers is sexual confidence something verbored with or something we build?

[SPEAKER_02]: And what can be the SM or King practices teach us about showing up better even at work?

[SPEAKER_02]: If you curious about how erotic content shapes our desires or how King can translate into real world growth, this is a must-listen.

[SPEAKER_02]: This episode is sponsored by Wi-Fi.

[SPEAKER_02]: Wi-Fi is a dark-used style content series and live-style brand that explore ethical, non-monogamy, including hot Wi-Fi.

[SPEAKER_02]: Whether you curious about this lifestyle, or you just want to hear other people's stories, Wi-Fi offers an emotional, intelligent, [SPEAKER_02]: Lore, learn more on Instagram at Y-Fee updates or visit their website, Y-Fee.VMG.studio.

[SPEAKER_02]: Hello and welcome back to another episode of The Sexology Podcast.

[SPEAKER_02]: I am so excited to welcome Matthew Bennett to our show, Matthew.

[SPEAKER_02]: Welcome to our show.

[SPEAKER_03]: Thank you so much for having me here.

[SPEAKER_03]: I'm really excited about this.

[SPEAKER_02]: I am very excited about our conversation and I'm curious to learn more about you, sorry, you're a hip-not therapist.

[SPEAKER_02]: You are a porn creator.

[SPEAKER_02]: Can you tell us about how did you get into the world of being a porn creator?

[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, if those people listening, what you're not seeing is a faulty late faulty, slightly tabby guy.

[SPEAKER_03]: I'm not your usual person you'd expect to see in porn.

[SPEAKER_03]: Essentially, I was just making some dirty videos and I happened to be involved in it was actually one of these online chat sites where people ring you up and chat to you and I put a couple of videos up there and that just spiraled in that about.

[SPEAKER_03]: 2019, someone said, oh, this thing called only Fadden's, and so I started putting some videos on there, and it spiraled from there, which was very surprising, considering, as I say, I was in a professional job, and I was not what you'd expect, but it's worked quite nicely.

[SPEAKER_02]: Well, I'm so curious about only found, you know, in my Instagram, I get this girl's and I think it's one million last month.

[SPEAKER_02]: I'm only fat.

[SPEAKER_02]: And it's just like, and then the math sometimes is not mathing.

[SPEAKER_02]: Is that common how much creators often make?

[SPEAKER_03]: Oh, I wish, what's really interesting is I think it is possible, but it's one of these top 1% things in my, I've actually moved, I still have an only fans, but because they're very, very restrictive in, [SPEAKER_03]: what they allow, and I'm more into the fetish and the kink side of things, I lost my contidism that she allowed on only France.

[SPEAKER_03]: So I put out three videos a week and and of those maybe one will end up on only France.

[SPEAKER_03]: And the other two, well, all three of them will end up on just France because they're much more broadminded.

[SPEAKER_03]: And to be honest, as much as you can blame only France, it's often coming from the [SPEAKER_03]: credit cup processes, what they're allowed to do, what they're not allowed to do and they're in their interpretation of the rules of processes.

[SPEAKER_03]: So, that amount of money, no, not in my wildest dreams.

[SPEAKER_03]: I've made enough to be comfortable with it, but it's taken a lot of work.

[SPEAKER_03]: I have a lot of people in my coaching business because I'm also a coach.

[SPEAKER_03]: coming to me saying, oh, I'm, you know, want to make some pocket money and put an only fans out there.

[SPEAKER_03]: And I would strongly suggest you don't, because it's, it's always out there, you know, the video you thought was going to make you a bit of money doesn't make you any money, but your future employee or employers could see it or your, your kids.

[SPEAKER_03]: So you have to be very careful about that.

[SPEAKER_03]: And the likelihood of getting any money that's worth talking about is actually very [SPEAKER_02]: That's what I hear.

[SPEAKER_02]: It sounds like from my clients that they're only fan content creators.

[SPEAKER_02]: That's what I hear that is like any other content website, right?

[SPEAKER_02]: Like there are some people that they made money, but it's just usually it's more out for some people.

[SPEAKER_02]: It's like a pocket change.

[SPEAKER_02]: I like anything else that has own pros and cons.

[SPEAKER_02]: Can you tell us a kind of in general about like all the content you put out there, right?

[SPEAKER_02]: Like there, kind of like the explicit content?

[SPEAKER_02]: What do you like about it and what are you not loving it when you do in creating these contents?

[SPEAKER_03]: Oh well.

[SPEAKER_03]: So one of the interesting things is what I have not got into.

[SPEAKER_03]: I had one client who was a young gay man who was living in Los Angeles and he was writing for one of the magazines in the gay world that and he was telling me that in this day and age in L.A.

[SPEAKER_03]: San Francisco and places like that you literally can't hook up with anyone unless it's a camera involved.

[SPEAKER_03]: And that to me is very sad, and I think if everything is being skewed to, you have to monetize your sex, then that's very, very sad to me.

[SPEAKER_03]: However, having said that, I do monetize some of my sex and the sex that I have on camera tends to be more realistic.

[SPEAKER_03]: because I, when it's a duo, but when it's a lot of my solo content, I put loads of solo content on that out there, is custom fantasy.

[SPEAKER_03]: So people will write to me and say, you know, I want to a teacher, I want to step dad and, you know, and that's where I start to tick boxes for people.

[SPEAKER_03]: I want you to get, uh, get excited about your belly or I have a lot of people who are [SPEAKER_03]: don't excite me, but they do well, and if they excite other people, then that turns me on itself.

[SPEAKER_03]: So it's like, well, you know what, swings around the baths every now and then, so when I ask for a video and I'm just like this, this really does not resonate with me at all.

[SPEAKER_03]: I might try our once.

[SPEAKER_03]: and then think, you know what, I'm really going to pull back on this.

[SPEAKER_03]: And then every now and then I come across something and it's just so totally bizarre that I don't get it at all, but I'm just thinking this is amazing that someone is into this.

[SPEAKER_03]: My two favorites of that are balloons, which people love.

[SPEAKER_03]: I sort of get that, but our pedals.

[SPEAKER_03]: I've had several people who get very excited by pedals in cars, and especially by [SPEAKER_03]: No idea where that comes from.

[SPEAKER_03]: I don't get it.

[SPEAKER_03]: It doesn't turn me on, but if it turns you on, then just let's do it.

[SPEAKER_03]: Let's enjoy this.

[SPEAKER_02]: Well, Matthew, I'm so intrigued.

[SPEAKER_02]: I know a good amount about Lunar's community.

[SPEAKER_02]: And kind of as you said, make sense where it's coming from like a childhood and joy and all of that.

[SPEAKER_02]: With gas pedal, it's the first time ever hearing.

[SPEAKER_02]: So people want to kind of like how like they write that like you masturbate when you're pressing the pedal.

[SPEAKER_03]: I've done everything.

[SPEAKER_03]: I mean, one of the ones I like doing is I like doing macrophilia videos, so that's where I'm pretending huge and the other person's small.

[SPEAKER_03]: I'm every day size and I've shrunk them down and so that goes quite well with pedals and that they imagine themselves as the pedal or being on the pedal.

[SPEAKER_03]: So that happens.

[SPEAKER_03]: I've done jerk-off instructions where press the pedal further and they joked faster or a press the pedal less and they joked less things like that.

[SPEAKER_03]: But I think to some people it's literally just the power of the car and sometimes it's verbal with it and sometimes just they're watching me.

[SPEAKER_03]: pumping a pedal.

[SPEAKER_03]: And I would love to get into people's heads and understand, but at the same time I don't want to ask too many questions because I don't want to ruin it by overanalyzing it.

[SPEAKER_03]: There's quite a few things like that.

[SPEAKER_03]: I think they're so exciting that people can explore those things.

[SPEAKER_02]: I love that.

[SPEAKER_02]: And the good pedal one was the more newer one I hear, but I can get a power kind of like the car being sexy.

[SPEAKER_02]: All of that.

[SPEAKER_02]: It is so interesting.

[SPEAKER_02]: Do they request specific cars or you're like, he just the matter of the noise and thanks.

[SPEAKER_03]: It was like, I want your car to be this high, it has to make this certain sound.

[SPEAKER_03]: And I actually said no, because I don't get it enough to be able to know if the sound that my car is making is the right sound.

[SPEAKER_03]: And I don't want to waste my time in your money and making the wrong video.

[SPEAKER_03]: It's your that specific.

[SPEAKER_03]: And it's interesting you mentioned the lunar community.

[SPEAKER_03]: So those people who don't know the balloon community, lunar community divided into the poppers and the non-poppers.

[SPEAKER_03]: Some people love popps and some people hate popps.

[SPEAKER_03]: You can squeak the balloons and press the balloons.

[SPEAKER_03]: And it's the same with all of these things.

[SPEAKER_03]: It's the squeedy specific things.

[SPEAKER_03]: It's like you've never pressed the pedal all the way down or you must press the pedal all the way down or you must make a sound or the car cut doesn't even need to be on.

[SPEAKER_03]: And trying to understand exactly what people are into is is fascinating.

[SPEAKER_03]: Absolutely fascinating.

[SPEAKER_03]: I love it.

[SPEAKER_02]: And you know what I like about the platforms like only fan things that are creator to the consumer right it gives people agency of creating and learning what they like better right like maybe order something and it's not quite day one so it's like more agency around that [SPEAKER_02]: And I know that with any explicit content, like, co-category of code and go porn, people might have such a strong reaction to it.

[SPEAKER_02]: Like, we have heard so many people complain about porn addiction, a sex therapist.

[SPEAKER_02]: I don't believe in porn addiction, but for another conversation.

[SPEAKER_02]: But what do you think are some of the things that are good about porn?

[SPEAKER_02]: And what are some of the challenges that just using content that are explicit without the porn that can create?

[SPEAKER_03]: So I think it's interesting and I think at this point it's worth separating porn into the studio porn and the creator porn because I think studio porn has become very, very curated.

[SPEAKER_03]: in exactly the same way that Netflix has really very carefully curated TV shows.

[SPEAKER_03]: Because now they literally talk about TV shows on Netflix being two screen TV shows.

[SPEAKER_03]: They expect you to be looking at your phone at the same time as watching the TV.

[SPEAKER_03]: with studio porn.

[SPEAKER_03]: It's literally times, you know, we'll have 10 minutes on this and then, oh, three minutes on this and then three minutes on that.

[SPEAKER_03]: And we'll, we'll only do this, but we'll never do that.

[SPEAKER_03]: For example, I've never seen a gay reverse gang back.

[SPEAKER_03]: It just doesn't exist.

[SPEAKER_03]: And you would have thought that would exist, but probably some exact, probably went out and went well, actually, [SPEAKER_03]: no one has clicked on enough of those because we put one out and it didn't, didn't pay money or the carkey in the group gay world is very, very rare.

[SPEAKER_03]: So it's all very curated or the majority of people, whereas I think what's great about the only fans just to fans, all of those places.

[SPEAKER_03]: is that you have such a wide variety.

[SPEAKER_03]: And everyone in studio porn is gorgeous, has got huge penises and big boobs or either huge boobs or no boobs.

[SPEAKER_03]: They're very specific types that are like the vanilla.

[SPEAKER_03]: whereas I think what's great about the just a fan sight, some things like that is that there's so many more.

[SPEAKER_03]: I would never be invited into a studio apartment.

[SPEAKER_03]: It's just, there's no place for me.

[SPEAKER_03]: But I've insistently, for the last five years, had about 500 fans per month who are signing up to my content.

[SPEAKER_03]: because they want something about me or what I put out in the world that they're not getting from anywhere else.

[SPEAKER_03]: So I think it's great that we can find especially in the creative port, specific things that we are into and it helps people to explore themselves, explore their desires, explore [SPEAKER_03]: what they're interested in, be exposed to a variety of things, you know, if we went from our sex education classes, if you were lucky enough to go to sex education, you think everything was missionary and nothing else.

[SPEAKER_03]: It's possibly on the other way that everyone thinks everything is anal or duo or sorry trio or whatever.

[SPEAKER_03]: So maybe it's gone the other way and I think that maybe [SPEAKER_03]: misunderstanding that a lot of sex is just a little bit normal and a little bit boring.

[SPEAKER_03]: It's an extent, you know, it's just sex.

[SPEAKER_03]: It's a bit of connection between two people.

[SPEAKER_03]: But but having the variety out there, I get constantly people messaging me going, you know, I've literally had one today saying I've never even kissed a person before.

[SPEAKER_03]: you're helping me find who I am and what I'm into.

[SPEAKER_03]: And I literally wrote back and said, don't label yourself.

[SPEAKER_03]: Just go with it, enjoy what you're seeing.

[SPEAKER_03]: Now, I'm probably by unusual in that.

[SPEAKER_03]: So I don't think you'll get that from many creators.

[SPEAKER_03]: And I think there's a lot of creators out there, especially this successful one, so it's it's run by an agency and you won't be talking to the person themselves.

[SPEAKER_03]: And they're there for money and why not?

[SPEAKER_03]: It's a job, you know, you don't have to do that.

[SPEAKER_03]: So I think that's it.

[SPEAKER_03]: The other thing that is slightly dangerous to think that you're making relationship with someone on the other side of a screen when often you're not.

[SPEAKER_03]: But people have been in love with hot stars and film stars for years and years and years.

[SPEAKER_03]: So that's nothing new there.

[SPEAKER_03]: I don't know if I ought to, or it's not, it's slightly, No, you did.

[SPEAKER_02]: It seems like you're saying that what works is how people to be able to see what kind of like into there's a diversity, variety of options out there versus in mainstream porn is just like very specific.

[SPEAKER_02]: They want to appeal to broad audience and throughout the history it's shaped like what we're putting out there right like what makes money versus is our erotic template is just so diverse right like it's it's like the 20% doesn't represent but other 80% of people are interested in so I appreciate that part.

[SPEAKER_02]: And you were talking about Netflix thing.

[SPEAKER_02]: I was just like a reminder that now how spoiled we are.

[SPEAKER_02]: Like I used to be able to sit watching TV, you know, like focusing on TV, she's not a skill back then wasn't that back then.

[SPEAKER_02]: And like watching her flipping channels, like the expectation you'll find something.

[SPEAKER_02]: And then, but with Netflix, I feel like I've been retrained.

[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, you got to deliver me specifically what I want.

[SPEAKER_02]: We have like [SPEAKER_02]: ten minutes of window of tolerance before I'm switching to kind of like another show versus before we were able to be more present, being able to focus more and we had different expectation and I think sometimes with porn it's also could be like that right that people sometimes when they solely choose porn [SPEAKER_02]: sometimes it's hard to transmit with partners, like kind of partners that are kind of like they want to have sex with, but not everyone and I don't think at the degree that sex addiction world want to portray.

[SPEAKER_02]: What do you think about that?

[SPEAKER_02]: Like why so many people are connecting with porn and but it's harder to connect with a partner?

[SPEAKER_03]: I think they, because it's the same reason that so many people go to McDonald's or or other fast few joints and don't cook at home, it is different things, and to some extent, to some people, it's, don't get me wrong.

[SPEAKER_03]: I use for all the time myself.

[SPEAKER_03]: I have got a husband who's very sexy and I enjoy.

[SPEAKER_03]: having sex with.

[SPEAKER_03]: And we have good sex.

[SPEAKER_03]: But every now then I like, you know, some self time, some self pleasure and some exploration of fantasies that I can't get from him.

[SPEAKER_03]: And that's where Paul comes in, but in the same way that a very diet of food going to my fast food home.

[SPEAKER_03]: You know, some days and cooking for yourself and other days and going to Michelin start, other days is useful, but you go to each for different reasons.

[SPEAKER_03]: And I think trying to say, if you're eating too much fast food, then obviously it's going to be bad for your health.

[SPEAKER_03]: If you're only consuming corn and not having connective sex with your partner, then I think that's problematic.

[SPEAKER_03]: I do think sometimes.

[SPEAKER_03]: The porn has a very useful place that no one ever talks about.

[SPEAKER_03]: So the story I was given on this one is that I once, actually when I was first learning to be a coach, I had a assessment, I didn't go very well.

[SPEAKER_03]: And I got some bad, bad results from it.

[SPEAKER_03]: And that was so angry.

[SPEAKER_03]: And a great way of taking myself out of my head and into my body was by going off and having a wank and having to have some porn, took me completely out of myself, [SPEAKER_03]: And the great thing about porn compared to alcohol or things like that is there is an end point.

[SPEAKER_03]: Once you orgasm, you're back in the world.

[SPEAKER_03]: And then you can reset and you've pulled yourself out of your brain.

[SPEAKER_03]: And I think it can be quite useful for that for resources of almost [SPEAKER_03]: almost anti-mindfulness, but a rest, a moment of rest, in connection with yourself, an enjoyment of your own body, your own fantasies.

[SPEAKER_03]: But it's got an end point.

[SPEAKER_03]: So if you use it for that, if you use it every now and then for enjoying some fantasies that you can't get from your part, then I think that's great.

[SPEAKER_03]: But also recognizing that a lot of partnerships need physical touch, and you don't get that through a computer, and a lot of people need physical touch, [SPEAKER_03]: Recognizing what you need and why you need it and what your relationship needs.

[SPEAKER_03]: I think is the important thing about this But then, you know, there's nothing stopping you going.

[SPEAKER_03]: I saw this thing on a video Should we try it or This really freaked me out, but it was really hot Can we talk through that and roll player or whatever?

[SPEAKER_02]: I agree we do kind of like talking about desires things that about poor maybe that turns you on and bringing it to the conversation with your partner as an invitation not a demand can be very helpful and sexy at times if your partner is on board with it.

[SPEAKER_02]: And I have clients that they feel like they conditioned so much to adporn that unless they have porn in the kind of experience with the partner playing and they didn't really fixate it to that.

[SPEAKER_02]: They're not able to have sex and then I hear from the partner they feel rejected.

[SPEAKER_02]: What's your thoughts on that?

[SPEAKER_03]: It's interesting because I get it.

[SPEAKER_03]: And I actually do wonder if that's a bit like us with our dual phone.

[SPEAKER_03]: So I think it may be a slightly different issue than everyone said.

[SPEAKER_03]: Really, realises that maybe it's a dopamine issue that we're traditional one-on-one sex.

[SPEAKER_03]: It takes time and it takes attention and it takes all of those things.

[SPEAKER_03]: And if for whatever reason, we don't all have partners who are, you know, stunning.

[SPEAKER_03]: who, you know, every part of their body gets access and it's a fact that we pretend we have to pretend that every part of our partner, excites us, is unhelpful at times.

[SPEAKER_03]: If that's not there, maybe there's a dopamine thing that you need a bit of a kick every now and then of a beautiful person there, just to keep you excited or keep you aroused or whatever.

[SPEAKER_03]: But at the same time, you're shifting your attention away from this person that you're supposed to be spending time with.

[SPEAKER_03]: calibrating our brains into bocus.

[SPEAKER_03]: I think it's something that we're all very, very bad at.

[SPEAKER_03]: You were talking about, I find it really difficult to read books at the moment.

[SPEAKER_03]: And I think that's because my brain is like reading the books and there's still parts of my brain going, okay, what am I doing today?

[SPEAKER_03]: And I've just read a word that I don't know, so I'll get my phone at the moment on my phone.

[SPEAKER_03]: My phone is to check the definition of the word, are they on Facebook or Twitter or whatever.

[SPEAKER_03]: We're all over the place and our idea of focuses lost and I think maybe filling in some of that with stuff around us is actually the problem rather than the on itself.

[SPEAKER_03]: I don't know, I think I'm saying it's more of a, I'm wondering it's more of a symptom than the cause.

[SPEAKER_02]: That makes sense, and yeah, I was like listening to this TED talk of a musician talk about how when you're creating a masterpiece or a kind of like playing a masterpiece, there needs to be a build up to the high tune, right, like that if there's not a build up.

[SPEAKER_02]: then it will not be as impactful.

[SPEAKER_02]: Sex is the same way, right?

[SPEAKER_02]: Like there needs to be a buildup, but if during the buildup or two-nout, right, it's hard to be able to experience a rousal, be present, and then they might want to say, okay, I'm gonna go to something as you said, that's quick and helps me with building a rousal very quickly, but it seems like going to Michelin restaurant bringing your cheeseburger from McDonald's.

[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, right.

[SPEAKER_02]: They can get that haste right away, but you're in a way.

[SPEAKER_02]: You might not benefit from the whole experience.

[SPEAKER_03]: No, and you wouldn't get the subtlety of the whole flow of it.

[SPEAKER_03]: And I think maybe that going back to your question about what the problem with foreigners.

[SPEAKER_03]: I think that might be a problem with fallen and that we get that cheeseburger, quick, but quick, sugar, whatever it is.

[SPEAKER_03]: that fills our senses for a moment, but doesn't teach us to enjoy.

[SPEAKER_03]: And especially now with online where you just click through, you see the bit that you want to see.

[SPEAKER_03]: You're not interested in the story at the beginning.

[SPEAKER_03]: I mean, the story is now 10 to be about 30 seconds in the past over quite long.

[SPEAKER_03]: You know, even [SPEAKER_03]: I'm old enough to remember VHS porn and at least you'd have to sit through some of that.

[SPEAKER_03]: To get the excited bits and you got that buildup, they don't have that anymore.

[SPEAKER_03]: It's just like Wambam stick it in an orifice and shoes of fluid all over someone's face and that's sort of it.

[SPEAKER_03]: And then when you go to your partner, you don't have that, you have to have that build up, you have to have that connection, you have to have that growing, and turning each other on in order for, either or both of you to be ready for doing the one bandwidth, because most of us don't just open up like, and get ready, you know, we have to be in a place.

[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, no.

[SPEAKER_02]: No, I was saying that like, after I was like a coin, what do you said that there need to be a [SPEAKER_02]: I, you know, as like the other challenge that some especially mainstream porn have is like create the script of what is a good lover which is drastically different than what everyday people think it's a good lover as a receiver right as you say like a huge penis kind of like pounding hard and these are the things that we see in porn and people sometimes feel like I'm not bad therefore I'm not a good lover.

[SPEAKER_02]: And I know you're a coach, you're a King educator, what do you think people classify as a good lover based on your experience?

[SPEAKER_03]: It's funny because I don't know what you mean by the word lover because I think one of the great things about that could be many things.

[SPEAKER_03]: I think that in the past you buried someone [SPEAKER_03]: in your early 20s, you had babies.

[SPEAKER_03]: The gay men were off doing their thing, but both of the vast majorities of straight cis people.

[SPEAKER_03]: It was so you were stuck with one person and you had to either work it out or just sleep in separate beds and just have sex every couple of months if you were lucky.

[SPEAKER_03]: Now we can have multiple lovers, and there's made people be blunt to sound that.

[SPEAKER_03]: We can have multiple sexual partners who we don't love.

[SPEAKER_03]: We can have lovers who we don't have sex with.

[SPEAKER_03]: We can have partners, and so it's all a little bit confusing.

[SPEAKER_03]: So first of all, I think understanding that that you don't have to get [SPEAKER_03]: then recognizing that you have to fulfill all of those roles that the partner who supports someone in their life and then their work and also someone who helps the person explore who they are and their bodies and their arousal and filling your own needs in getting you off in whatever way gets you off and fulfilling their needs and recognizing that sometimes your needs and their [SPEAKER_03]: It has to be, you know, put on the back burner.

[SPEAKER_03]: I'm sorry, I'm never going to do that thing with you.

[SPEAKER_03]: Or go, okay, you want that.

[SPEAKER_03]: I don't want that.

[SPEAKER_03]: You're going to find it, but don't tell me about it.

[SPEAKER_03]: Or whatever, they're the answer.

[SPEAKER_03]: So I think a good lover is someone who understands all of that, and then talks about it.

[SPEAKER_03]: I mean, communication is, it's so obvious.

[SPEAKER_03]: It's also, but I think that communication and discussing with each other about what you [SPEAKER_03]: one, and what's working, what's not working, and understanding the expectations you're putting on the other person.

[SPEAKER_03]: You know, if you're a receptive partner, even it's things like, I actually get really turned off by people saying come in me, because it then puts a pressure on me to ejaculate.

[SPEAKER_03]: And I'm like, Oh, [SPEAKER_03]: And I probably won't then because I get out of my head and I was enjoying the moment, now you're demanding something for me to do something that I actually have no control load.

[SPEAKER_03]: It will happen when it happens.

[SPEAKER_03]: And that's a really small example.

[SPEAKER_03]: There's a hundred different examples in every capital X.

In being able to read each other and enjoy each other or in each other's bodies.

[SPEAKER_03]: and then go, hey, this didn't work for me.

[SPEAKER_03]: Can you not do that again?

[SPEAKER_03]: But this was really great.

[SPEAKER_03]: I want more of that.

[SPEAKER_03]: So I think it could love her as one that you can talk to.

[SPEAKER_02]: In actuality.

[SPEAKER_02]: Right.

[SPEAKER_02]: It kind of like having this feeling comfortable enough to have open communication and being okay if they have incompatible at ease.

[SPEAKER_02]: Like, okay, this is they might not be into that.

[SPEAKER_02]: And you're comfortable telling that that's like something that's not what they might control.

[SPEAKER_02]: I can't come.

[SPEAKER_02]: Then they would be okay with it in the moment versus kind of like putting the pressure on you You you feel you have to perform certain way and there's a level of as you talked about sexual Compatibility right like our kind of rotuses them is just huge range and sometimes we make have the best communication with someone But what turns you on and the turns them on is also can be very different So it's a combination of that overlap versus communication [SPEAKER_02]: on attraction.

[SPEAKER_02]: I don't know that like for so many people they want to create attraction but for majority of times what I find that there needs to be some baseline of attraction.

[SPEAKER_02]: people kind of like they are in this marriage as or there are this relationships that works in some degree and sexual connection doesn't work because they're not turned on by their partner and then they want to create the attraction right that spark they want to create that physical attraction which I can at times if there is none it's hard to create.

[SPEAKER_03]: Yes I think I think you're right I think I think we have our attraction is a very basic [SPEAKER_03]: part of our brain, I mean, it's one of the oldest parts of our brains.

[SPEAKER_03]: And as much as you can get excited out by things in the moment, just putting on some clothes, isn't going to suddenly change things completely.

[SPEAKER_03]: And if you're not in the right mode, if you're stressed, if you're [SPEAKER_03]: bother you parts and there's nothing they can do about it but they just don't it's that that can be very difficult and I do feel sorry for people who for whatever reason their relationship is change but they don't want to move away from each other but they're not [SPEAKER_03]: they're not into each other anymore and you can't, you can't force that one, I think you're right.

[SPEAKER_02]: Well, you know, one of the things I already about you that it kind of makes sense and I'm curious to learn about it is how you teach people king skills they can incorporate in workplace.

[SPEAKER_02]: What can you tell us give us some examples of that?

[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, yeah, so I wrote a whole, it started off as a one-hour presentation.

[SPEAKER_03]: I've done a couple of times at various different events, and then expanded it to this eight-hour, 18-part course.

[SPEAKER_03]: This is available on my website.

[SPEAKER_03]: And the idea is that we've got a lot of skills in the bedroom that we don't really use in the workplace.

[SPEAKER_03]: And that sounds bizarre.

[SPEAKER_03]: And what I'm not talking about is, you know, going up and playing with your new managers, bubbly bits in order to get a race.

[SPEAKER_03]: I'm not talking about that.

[SPEAKER_03]: What I'm talking about is, for example, in the BDSM, well, we have a lot of talk about consent.

[SPEAKER_03]: And those, the models around consent, in particular, the fries model, which a lot of people will know, so it's consent must be freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic and specific.

[SPEAKER_03]: So if I, if I wanted to play with you, I'd be like, would you like me to do this thing, and you'd have to go, yes, I'd love to do this thing, but if you then see the thing that I get to do the thing with, you can say, no, actually you didn't show me that.

[SPEAKER_03]: I signed up to the wrong [SPEAKER_03]: Now, why don't we use that in the workplace where if I sign up to a project in the workplace?

[SPEAKER_03]: I go, yeah, but you didn't tell me I'd be working the weekends.

[SPEAKER_03]: And you said it was going to be a month, but it's actually three months.

[SPEAKER_03]: This isn't what I signed up for.

[SPEAKER_03]: I didn't give my consent to my time being used for that.

[SPEAKER_03]: So that's one of the sort of an idea.

[SPEAKER_03]: Another one is boundaries.

[SPEAKER_03]: where we talk all the time about physical boundaries, but we also have boundaries with our time or the involvement of other people or and so we can talk about different types of boundaries and then bring them to workplace or personas.

[SPEAKER_03]: So when I was a teacher, because back in the day I was a teacher for 11 to 18 year olds, from my son, I was Mr.

Bennett, [SPEAKER_03]: and Mr Benel was sort of upstanding and he was very strict and he knew what he wanted and he was keen for the students to do well and then outside I was Matthew and we actually have personas all the time and it's very clear in the BDSM well that in the dungeon I am English Leathermaster and I'm Matthew outside and I can flip into those different [SPEAKER_03]: and different attributes for our personality.

[SPEAKER_03]: And I think we can do that in the workplace too.

[SPEAKER_03]: And understanding that can flip between the two.

[SPEAKER_03]: And the last one I would talk about is punishments and rewards.

[SPEAKER_03]: And so as a dot, I know that some punishments are just there because we want to have an excuse to do some bad spanking.

[SPEAKER_03]: But other punishments are there to train the person.

[SPEAKER_03]: works for some people.

[SPEAKER_03]: So some people might be motivated by the threat of a punishment.

[SPEAKER_03]: Some people might be completely turned off by the threat of a punishment because they actually want to be raised for doing it rather than or they want to be, they want to at least have they want to try to do the thing.

[SPEAKER_03]: But if they can't do it because they can't do it, [SPEAKER_03]: They shouldn't be punished for it.

[SPEAKER_03]: Talking about all of those in the workplace too, so it's taking these concepts that we play with all the time explicitly in the bedroom or in BDSM in particular.

[SPEAKER_03]: And then going, okay, how can I take that to my work as a leader or what I'm trying to lead upwards?

[SPEAKER_03]: And use some of those concepts that I've never even thought about and how the where the crossover is.

[SPEAKER_02]: I love that.

[SPEAKER_02]: Such a creative way of putting these concepts and help so understand, right?

[SPEAKER_02]: Like for example, people have different boundaries when it comes to sexual experiences.

[SPEAKER_02]: We don't say like, oh, a previous person was like this, therefore you have to.

[SPEAKER_02]: have the boundaries.

[SPEAKER_02]: So it's kind of like having putting it in this frame of in a kind of kink where approaches, right, that kind of have people have can give consent and they can take it or after kind of like the one person's boundaries not the same as other people.

[SPEAKER_02]: A bit our listeners are now or so curious to learn more about you, your course, all the great things that you're doing [SPEAKER_03]: So my website, my new website, hopefully by the time this goes out, is consciously kinky.org.

[SPEAKER_03]: On all the various places, Google English leather master, because that was my original coaching name.

[SPEAKER_03]: It's also the name I use on just fans, no any fans.

[SPEAKER_03]: Interestingly, one of the reasons I'm moving away from English leather master coaching.

[SPEAKER_03]: is, first of all, because my partner is coming in on board.

[SPEAKER_03]: So I'm coach and hipotherapist.

[SPEAKER_03]: He's a counselor.

[SPEAKER_03]: So he's going to be coming on board and we're going to be working together.

[SPEAKER_03]: But also, because some people don't get that there is a boundary.

[SPEAKER_03]: And so I get quite a lot of people going, or can you coach me to be a slave?

[SPEAKER_03]: And that's not what I do.

[SPEAKER_03]: What I do is I work with people who are also slaves.

[SPEAKER_03]: but they're also leaders and you can put it all in the table in the same way that people always go to coaches and they have the therapist talking about, I go to the gym or I go yoga, go to yoga or I mount and climb or I do podcasts and they have no shame with sex people have shame but people have sexy lives or they're poly or they're kinky so consciously kinky is all about being up to [SPEAKER_03]: the people who can help you, and then get some help that really expands you as a person without any sharing without any judgment.

[SPEAKER_03]: We have enough of that in our lives.

[SPEAKER_02]: Beautiful.

[SPEAKER_02]: We'll make sure that we leave a link to the new website in this show on ours.

[SPEAKER_02]: Matthew, thank you so much for coming in this show and sharing your wisdom with us.

[SPEAKER_03]: Thank you so much for having me.

[SPEAKER_03]: It's been absolutely wonderful.

[SPEAKER_02]: As we wrap up today's conversation with Matthew, I want to leave you with a question.

[SPEAKER_02]: What does sexual confidence look like in your life?

[SPEAKER_02]: And is it same as what you've been taught to chase?

[SPEAKER_02]: Because here's the truth, confidence isn't about performance.

[SPEAKER_02]: It's about presence.

[SPEAKER_02]: In long term relationship, people sometimes think about sex is what happens inside the bedroom.

[SPEAKER_02]: But in reality, what you do outside, it's really impacting your confidence and your connection inside the bedroom.

[SPEAKER_02]: Are you curious, playful, honest with ourselves and our partners?

[SPEAKER_02]: Confidence girls, when we dare to be fully seen, not just when we get the moves right, but when we're willing to explore, to learn and connect more deeply.

[SPEAKER_02]: And finally, huge thanks to our sponsor Y-Fee, the Dark You Style content series, exploring ethical non-monochemy with emotional depth, sex positive nuance, and stories that actually reflect real people.

[SPEAKER_02]: You can follow them on Instagram at Y-Fee updates or explore more at Y-Fee.vng.studio.

[SPEAKER_02]: If this episode sparked something in you, I love to hear your thoughts.

[SPEAKER_02]: DM you an Instagram or tag at 6ology podcasts and I would love to hear your take on this.

[SPEAKER_02]: Until next time, stay curious, stay compassionate and keep showing up.

[SPEAKER_01]: Thanks for listening to Sixology Podcasts for more great content visit www.sixologypodcast.com Please be advised that information presented on this podcast is not a substitute for seeking help from a licensed mental health provider