So here we are.

We've gotten through the spooky season.

Not just hypothetically, but in actuality.

We are currently recording this.

Well, do you know what?

It's not important when we're recording this.

What's important is that it's December.

Or should I say December?

Yeah, at least it's December when you're hearing this.

Probably.

Now, somebody, somebody got us a gift.

An early Christmas gift, if you will.

Did you know we got another donation?

Yeah.

We got another donation.

So we want to take the time to recognize D1MC3 or Dimce for another $5 donation.

Yippee.

Bringing us to a total of 1% of our hypothetical.

$1,000.

Yeah, we're 1% there.

Yippee.

So Dimshay once again says to keep up the great work, which we will strive to do as best as we can.

You know what this time of year makes me think of?

What?

Being warm and sleeping a lot.

Do you know what animals are warm and sleep a lot this time of year?

The bears.

The bears.

Now, you had some thoughts.

This may or may not be a story episode.

Now, normally we come up with stories.

Yeah.

That's what we do.

Yeah.

And then we have our deal with Hollywood.

Of course.

Which is a certain amount of money and then 5% of the gross profits or not gross profits, the gross income across all mediums.

You know, digital, theaters, streaming, the works.

In perpetuity, of course.

Yeah.

But this may or may not end up being a story.

Oh no.

So you had some thoughts about bears.

Yes, indeed.

Yes indeed.

What are your thoughts about bears?

Well bears are pretty sure all things considered.

Yes.

They know how to open doors.

This is true they know how to open doors.

We saw this on us watching Mythbusters not too long ago.

Yeah.

So then I don't think it's too far fetched to say what if they could drive.

I do remember we started having this conversation the other day and I thought it would be interesting that so imagine you know there's a police officer just country police officer you know like rural area and he's sitting on like that dirt road like right next to a billboard so people can't see that he's sitting there.

He has like a speed trap set up.

He's drinking his coffee you know just like sitting there like expecting some like kid to go by.

And this car like zooms past and like causes him to spill his coffee stereotypically of course.

Just like vroom.

So he flips the lights on and he also like notices the side of the car is all scratched up so he figures like maybe there was an accident or something.

And this car is swerving all over the place.

It's really really like just all over the road.

And finally.

You know he's on this car.

You know he's on this car's tail.

You know he has lights going everything.

And the car finally runs into the guardrail.

Yep.

And it can't go any further like it's all smashed up.

And so the cop you know comes up to the car.

And then the car knocks on the car knocks on the window.

And somehow the bear manages to roll down the window.

And it's just like there's a bear.

It's like license and registration please.

I don't know.

That would be kind of crazy.

Wait.

Just got a movie idea.

Well the bear needs to have shades.

Yes the bear has to have shades but then.

The movie idea has taken root.

Oh no.

Oh here we go.

Oh no.

Bear cop.

So from that day forward.

The officer like realizes the bear you know he's a good guy bear.

He was just hungry.

And so you know he happened to have like a spare donut in his car.

Feeds it to the bear.

It turns out the bear is.

Well to borrow from a famous Hanna-Barbera cartoon.

Smarter than the average bear.

He can talk.

Now we have bear cop.

Now we have bear cop.

Oh no.

The next Kung Fury.

No.

Although that.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Well that would have to be Kung Fury versus the Russians in that case.

Because the bear would.

Like represents Russia.

Okay.

So.

We have the opening to bear cop.

Now.

So this is going to be a buddy cop movie.

Obviously.

And we have to figure out now.

There are definitely going to be some stereotypical elements just like there were in say Kung Fury.

Yeah.

We have to figure out first of all who's the bad guy.

Let's workshop this a bit.

And Hollywood the deal is now on.

Oh no.

So we're starting at.

You know this is a new and original idea that maybe Asylum Pictures could make.

Yeah.

I was going to say it sounds like a B film.

Yeah.

So you know maybe we'll aim on the low end for the cost of the script and the story.

What do you say like 75k?

Okay.

75k is reasonable for a new authentic idea by two randos.

So.

And then 5% of the gross as is our usual deal.

Yep.

All right.

So.

Bear cop.

We have the opening scene is this bear gets pulled over.

We never explain why the bear is driving the car.

How the bear is driving the car.

It's not important.

Don't worry.

If it makes enough money there will be three sequels.

Yeah.

And one of them will be a prequel.

But it's not important.

They met because the bear was speeding.

And let's just say it wasn't just because the bear was hungry or was the bear speeding to get somewhere.

Uh huh.

I mean why would a bear want to get anywhere besides the honey factory.

Like.

Well.

That'd be the stereotype.

Well yeah that would be the stereotype.

But we now have.

This bear has a sense of sapience.

You know.

This bear is smart.

So was like a bear cub taken.

Was there somebody poaching that took his nephew or something.

For what reason.

We have to think of something that would motivate this bear.

And would kick off.

And would kick off.

The story.

Of him pairing up with this cop and.

By the end becoming an honorary officer.

I mean the poaching sounds reasonable.

The what.

The poaching sounds reasonable.

Poaching sounds reasonable.

Now.

And you never know the town might be trying to get all the bears out of there.

Hmm.

That's right.

Okay.

We.

We.

That's.

That's the second level.

So level A is.

There's poachers.

Coming in.

And they're.

They're.

Not just killing the bears.

But they're killing other wild animals.

But this time it's personal.

Because the bear.

You know.

His nephew was kidnapped.

Well.

Is it a guy bear or a girl bear?

That's the question.

Well.

Or does it not matter?

Hmm.

You know.

I think.

I think that in this case it'll be a guy bear.

I think for the sequel.

You know.

He gets married and then something happens.

He finds a lady bear at the end of this one.

Like that's kind of like the.

You know.

Like she sees him on the news or something.

I don't know.

But.

But.

Or he meets her at the end.

You know.

As a.

As a.

Like after he gets his honorary police stone or whatever.

Yeah.

Or he meets her in the forest like during the course of the movie.

Yeah.

And then at the end they're.

They're together.

But.

Regardless.

So.

The second.

The second movie.

Will be like.

Don't mess with mama bear.

Like that'll be the tagline.

Bear cop 2.

Don't mess with mama bear.

So.

All right.

Now there's a second level to this.

Yeah.

So level one is poaching.

And this time.

You know.

It was the nephew of this bear that got kidnapped.

Or poached.

Or poached.

Or whatever.

Yeah.

But level two.

Is like where the real evil is.

The real evil is that.

We have to be as stereotypical as possible here.

It's not just.

Like they want to bulldoze down the forest.

For condos or some junk.

Although that.

That would be great.

Nah.

We're going to go back.

We're going to go full 80s here.

They want to dump toxic waste in the woods.

Without anybody knowing.

They.

And maybe that's.

That explains how the bear is the way that he is.

Is that he was exposed to toxic waste.

And now like you have a forest that is starting to become semi-intelligent in terms of the animals.

And the bad guys don't know this yet.

But when they find out that makes them want to destroy the forest even worse.

Like even more.

Is that a good B level plot.

Is that a good enough plot for you sir.

Yeah.

Okay.

Alright.

Bear got pulled over.

And you know had sunglasses on somehow.

Somehow fit in the car.

Because like bears are pretty big.

And cop had pulled him over.

And then we cut to bear cop.

You know like we cut to like some kind of opening.

Okay.

We have the bear with the shades.

And then the bear like uses his claw to lower the shades a little bit.

And goes.

Yo.

Like just says something stupid like that.

And then you cut to the opening.

Like the police officer falls over.

And then you cut to the.

After the opening title sequence.

You now cut to the bear like kind of slapping.

Slapping the officer in the face.

You know.

Trying to wake him up.

You know.

It's stereotypical.

Again comedy.

You know.

And he wakes up once.

Takes one look.

Sees it's the bear.

And then he passes out again.

So then.

You cut to the bear driving the cop car.

And the police officer is in the back.

And the police officer comes to.

And it's like.

What the hell is going on?

And the bear is like.

Yeah.

Sorry about that.

But you kind of.

Fainted on me there buddy.

What the hell?

There's.

What are you doing in my car?

Well you couldn't drive.

But.

But you're a bear.

Yeah.

Tell me about it.

Well but how.

Look.

It probably doesn't help to ask any questions right now.

So.

Are you going to eat me?

No.

You moron.

We normally eat stuff that's easy to get a hold of.

And I have no reason to eat you.

At least not right now.

Unless you want to give me a reason.

And he turns back and like gives him like a big like beefy grin.

Like.

And the guy's like no no no.

And this is where some of the exposition takes place.

And he's like.

The guy's like well where are we going?

How the hell am I supposed to know?

I just know how to drive this car.

Well how do you know how to drive a car?

Once again.

Probably best not to ask too many questions.

Where should we be going?

Well why were you driving a car?

Yeah funny story about that.

You see.

I was sent to get help.

Well what do you mean you were sent to get help?

Well you see.

There's been some shit going down in my forest lately.

What kind of shit?

Like.

Kidnappings and shit.

Like.

Poacher type shit.

It would be cubnappings.

Cubnappings and other.

Let's just say Bambi's mother and father might have gone missing under mysterious circumstances too.

How would he know about Bambi?

Don't.

Don't ask questions.

But.

Okay.

Alright.

So we've got.

We've got the setup.

So you do this flashback of like.

You know.

His nephew got captured.

And then they hear like noise.

And he hears one of his bear friends like way in the background going.

What do we call this bear?

What's bear cop's name?

Joe.

Joe.

I don't know.

Do you have a better idea?

Joe.

Go get help.

And like the cop's like.

Wait.

They can talk?

Yeah.

About that.

We're not quite sure when it happened.

Or why it happened.

But.

But.

There came a time.

Relatively recently.

Where we all got much smarter.

Now that doesn't mean that we're not animals.

I mean we'll still kill each other.

But.

There's a little bit more of a hierarchy to things now.

And.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So we can talk.

Yeah.

So we can talk.

Yeah.

So we can talk.

And like the officer's like.

I'm guessing you know where the unicorns are too.

Unicorns?

This is serious.

What the hell are you talking about unicorns?

What kind of a fairy tale do you think you're living in?

Do I look fake to you?

Do I look like Disney bullshit bears to you?

I'll kick your ass if I need to.

I'll point your face right off.

You know.

Bear's still reminding him of the pecking order.

Well.

So that's why you were speeding.

Yeah I guess.

I mean I kind of came across these campers.

And.

Maybe I put a little scare into them you know.

They're fine.

I didn't hurt them or nothing.

I even left them their cooler food.

Which by the way.

Took an excessive amount of willpower.

They had smoked salmon in there.

So.

So.

That's why you were driving.

Yeah I was going to get help.

And you expect me.

To go to the precinct.

And to tell this story of yours.

Well.

It'd be a start.

Now meanwhile you got to cut to.

Like.

Poacher headquarters or something.

We're not going to show the real baddie yet.

You have like the band of.

I won't say.

We can't have them be fully inept.

Like.

Yeah.

Clearly they've been wreaking havoc.

But.

You have like these three semi dummy poachers.

Yeah.

And none of the animal.

The animals are smart enough that they've captured.

That.

They're not talking.

Like they're still acting like animals.

Like they're still acting like animals.

Even though they clearly.

Have a sense of what's going on.

And obviously these guys.

Only have so many cages.

And only have so many buyers for you know.

Exotic forest animals.

Like deer and raccoons and whatnot.

So.

They're obviously killing them too.

Yeah.

Taking them in the back room and whatnot.

Especially the raccoons for hats.

And then you cut to like the lead poacher guy.

Looking at a computer screen.

But like it's the reverse angle of the computer screen.

So you can just hear the sound.

You can't see the screen.

And it's like.

Are we still on schedule?

Of course it's got to be a British guy.

Yeah.

It has to be an evil British voice.

Yeah.

Mr.

Mr.

So and so.

Like whatever.

Whatever.

Mr.

Whatever the name is.

Yeah.

We're on schedule.

Good.

I want that forest cleared as soon as possible.

By the end of next week.

Wait.

Wait.

Wait.

By the end of next week.

You said we had till the end of the month.

Yeah.

Well.

Timetables have.

Shifted a bit.

Yeah.

Or.

Things have.

We've gotten in a bit of a time crunch here.

We're going to have to move more quickly.

Move more quickly.

You gave me three guys.

What do you expect us to do to clear out the entire forest in a week?

Well.

I've got something that'll help.

And it's like.

You know.

It cuts to like this machine.

That's kind of like the machine from Fern Gully.

You know.

It's just a machine that'll like start like burning down things.

And like.

Has auto targeting.

Like can shoot out nets.

And stuff.

It's like a combination of.

Okay.

It's a combination of the leveler from Fern Gully.

And whatever that thing McLeach drives.

In the rescuers down under.

Hmm.

Yeah.

And the guy's like.

Oh.

Yeah.

That's the ticket.

When will it be here?

It'll be there.

By tomorrow.

You know.

Or something.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Now where do we take things?

Uh.

All right, well, you've had your moment to try to contribute to the story, sir.

Now it's going to be an epically lame episode where it's just me talking.

I don't know.

I don't know how the police stuff work.

Okay, so police officer.

Maybe they try to buy him clothes or something.

Who knows?

Police officer and bear.

Well, I mean, maybe eventually the bear has like a police outfit, but right now he's just Joe Q Bear, which is funny because you said his name was Joe.

So now his name is Joe Q Bear.

So officer instructs bear on how to get to the precinct headquarters.

Or maybe it's not even a precinct.

Maybe it's not a city.

It's like a more rural town or whatever.

But still, there's a police office.

He's like, you know I can't bring you in there, right?

And the bear's like, the fuck you're not.

I need to, you know, like we got to look up these poacher people and see if we can find them.

Well, yeah, but like, how am I going to sneak you in?

And they look across the street and there's a donut shop.

And the bear goes, hmm.

And the bear goes, hmm.

Cut to the bear carrying like eight dozen donuts and a box of Joe.

You know, they walk in and it's like, you know, the cops walk in next to them.

They're like, hey.

What's the cop's name now?

Uh.

Well, Macaulay could be his last name.

Macaulay.

Yeah.

I don't know.

So.

Do you have a better idea?

Kevin Macaulay.

Okay.

Yeah.

Or Kevin Macaulay.

Yeah.

It was, you know, a little bit of a Home Alone reference or whatever.

Because Macaulay poking.

Anyway.

Hey, Kevin.

It's like, hey, I know it's been a long day, guys.

So I'm going to go put these in the break room.

It's all on me.

All right.

I got to go to my office and do some stuff.

I'll be in it.

Wow.

That's like the most donuts that anybody.

Like, what do you, did you buy like a dozen for each of us?

Look, I just know you guys have been working like so hard lately.

And we're coming up on the holidays.

You deserve it.

I mean, we know that the town's not going to pay for it.

Yeah, you're right.

So, they get to the guy's office like a little bit sneakily.

You know, there's some communic shenanigans like the bears tripping over stuff.

Yeah.

You know, he runs and like gets a waste paper basket stuck on his foot.

Like on his rear paw.

Obviously, the bear walks on two legs.

Yeah.

Unfortunately, this is going to be a very heavy CG film.

Yeah.

There's no way around it.

By the way, the bear, though, will still have cartoonish expressions, okay?

We're not going for full realism.

Yeah.

We want the bear to smile, to laugh.

We want its eyes to show like sadness and deep emotion.

None of this.

We need to make it look 100% like a real bear.

Because guess what?

Real bears can't do that shit.

Yeah.

So, anyway.

We get to Kevin's, Officer Kevin's, or Officer McCulley's office.

Okay.

So, what can you tell me about these poachers?

And the bear's like, well, I didn't actually see it myself.

What?

What?

What do you mean you didn't see it yourself?

So, like, you have nothing for us to go off of.

Look, like, can't you just, like, type in poachers in your database?

And, like, the guy looks at the book.

Look, we're in Northwest Washington State.

Do you know how many reports of poachers we get?

Like, there's forests all over the place.

That it's not just that simple.

We can't just type in poachers and bam.

Well, and the bear's like, well, how the hell am I supposed to know that?

I only started getting a base level of intelligence, like, two weeks ago.

I don't know what you've got.

Well, what do you mean you don't?

But you know enough to get us this far.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But that means I know everything about police work.

Kevin, what the hell's wrong with you?

I'm a fucking bear.

My instincts are not at that level with you yet.

All right.

Fine.

Is there anything you do know?

Did any of your friends tell you anything in animal leagues?

First of all, we all speak English.

So that's species-ish.

All right.

Maybe we won't throw that in there.

That's a little bit dumb.

But secondly, yes.

One of the animals did mention a symbol they saw on one of the poachers' trucks.

Okay.

All right.

All right.

All right.

That...

We can do something with that.

All right.

Do you know what the symbol is?

And the bear, like...

The bear, like, tries to write with a pen and a piece of paper, but he can't because claws.

All right.

How about this?

Just describe it to me.

All right.

So he describes the symbol to him.

And...

And they, uh...

They...

They managed to find...

A symbol for it.

And it's like, uh...

Joe, are you sure this is a symbol that...

It's like, well, yeah, I'm sure.

What's this?

Well...

We may have a problem.

What do you mean we may have a problem?

Well...

The symbol you're drawing...

Happens to be for one of the biggest, like...

Paper manufacturing companies...

In...

In the United States.

Like, this company...

We won't go with Pure Chemical Company.

We'll go with paper because, you know...

Then it kind of covers over the fact that they're doing toxic waste.

They're thinking that they're trying to get rid of the...

The log...

Like, they're trying to empty out the forest because they need the wood for paper.

Yeah.

All right?

Like...

Their corporate offices, in fact, are right here in town.

Or right outside of town.

But...

But it's a paper company.

I mean, like, why would they be...

The bear's like, look...

I don't know the why...

I can only tell you what happened.

Tell you what?

Let me take you out to the woods.

And...

And you can talk to...

You know, my...

My friends.

And it's like...

All right.

But how are we going to sneak out?

Like, how are we going to get out without people noticing?

Like, we don't have donuts anymore.

And the bear's like, yeah, speaking of donuts, I'm getting kind of hungry.

Maybe we could snag some of them on the way out.

Yeah, but how are we going to do that?

And the camera pans over to the closet and it has, like, these extra large, like, police jackets and stuff and hats.

Yeah.

And the bear looks at the guy and the guy's like, what?

So, you know, I got into better shape recently.

Okay.

And so, they walk out, bear in uniform.

And it's like, wait, Joe, or wait, Kevin, like, you didn't tell us that we were getting a transfer and you got a partner?

No, he's more of a trainee than a partner.

Man, that guy's, that guy's really got to shave.

You know, some dumbass.

Like, there's no way anybody would believe this, but it's a movie.

Right.

So, they go out to the woods.

And, you know, eventually there has to be something that, like, drives a wedge between them, but we're not there yet.

So, they go to the woods the next day.

Meanwhile, cut back to the poachers.

And they got the machine.

And it's like, oh, man.

So excited to have this baby.

It's like, yeah, this has got to take a little while to set up, but by nightfall tonight, say nighty-night, animals.

Yeah.

Wow.

You know.

So, Joe is now leading Kevin, Officer McCauley, through the forest.

And just, like, kind of sitting there appreciating, oh, yeah, this is where I used to run and play when I was a Cub.

And it's like, what are you talking about?

The road is, like, five feet away.

That road wasn't there ten years ago.

Yeah.

You know.

Oh, yeah.

Like, me and my brothers and my dear mother and my dear sweet mother, we used to come down there all the time.

And the bear, like, walks over.

Like, now he's on all fours, obviously.

Walks over to the river and, like, splashes water on his face.

It's like, we used to catch the best salmon right here.

Oh, those were good times.

And the officer's, like, looking around.

It's like, yeah, you know, this place is really nice.

It's like, yeah, it was.

It's like, so, you don't have your mom anymore?

Nah.

Someone shot her.

Oh, that sucks, man.

Yeah, it was hard growing up as a kid without a mom.

But, you know, we took care of each other.

We survived.

My dad was never really in the picture.

Don't really know what happened to him.

Yeah, so you have all this exponential stuff.

And the cop's like, yeah.

My dad left when I was young, too.

You know, it was my mom who, you know, raised me and took care of me.

It's like, yeah, it's funny.

It's funny.

We think that we're so different.

And yet, life can be just as hard for man or beast.

And the cop's like, so, where do we have to head?

Well, where we really want to head is for the center of the forest.

Because that's where most of the animals are.

Like your raccoons, your squirrels, stuff like that.

Stay on the outside.

But really, it's the inner forest where we need to go to get the real dirt on things.

And they're walking around in the forest.

And so, Kevin goes, you know, so, Joe, you were talking about instinct and all this.

And how, like, you don't know about police business or computers or nothing.

But yet, you knew enough to drive a car.

You knew what a police officer was.

Like, what do you mean that you don't have instincts?

And it's, or you don't have, like, the intellect to be this, that, and the other.

And it's like, I don't know, man.

Look, I can only tell you about this.

I might have intelligence now.

But there's still three main drivers to my life.

Eating, shitting, and cue sexy music.

And the camera pans up, and there's female bear.

And he's like, uh, uh.

And female bear is, like, getting a bit aggressive.

Like, because, you know, there's a cop there.

There's a man.

And the people that have been coming in have been men.

And he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no, no.

Like, the bear is like, no, no, it's fine, it's fine.

He's with me.

Joe?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's me.

And then he takes off the police hat.

See?

And he gives, like, a big, goofy-ass grin.

Oh.

Oh, okay.

I didn't recognize you.

You look so different.

So distinguished with the hat.

Oh, well, thanks, Marla.

I think her name Marla is good.

Yeah.

That's okay.

Well, what are you doing back here?

I thought you went to get help.

I did.

And he points to Kevin.

And he, like, just kind of gives, like, a little wave.

You brought a human.

Well, who else was I going to get?

I don't know.

I was expecting you to get, like, cocaine bear or something.

Some, like, roided-out animal.

And you got a human?

Humans are the ones that are trying to kill us.

Yeah, but not this human.

Okay.

Kevin's, like, fishing.

Look, man.

If I can call you, man.

Yeah, that's fine, I guess.

I'm here to find out what's going on.

Because what you have here is a forest of talking animals.

All that are being evidently killed off or captured, we got to figure out what's going on.

And the only link I have is this.

And he prints out, like, he takes a printout of the company logo.

Yeah.

That's the only thing I...

Yeah.

That's them.

Every time a truck rolls in here, it's that symbol.

Well, what kind of a truck?

Are we talking, like, like he describes, like, these big, long trucks with, like, big, like, side, like, metal pieces to hold wood?

No.

No, that's not what's coming in here.

Like, we're seeing just, like, smaller vehicles.

You mean, like, a regular truck?

Look, I'm not going to pretend to fully know what a truck is.

But if you're talking about a boxy thing that looks like it's cut in half, yeah, it's a truck.

Well, that's weird.

Did you notice if they brought any surveying equipment out?

Are they putting any, like, flags or anything around?

No.

But I'll tell you what they have been bringing.

Let me show you.

And so she and the other bear take off, and maybe they run into some animals along the way.

And they get over to the big steel drums with the big skull and crossbones.

And stuff on them.

This is what they're bringing in here.

It's like, this doesn't make any sense.

Why would they be bringing this stuff out here?

What the hell is going on?

And it's getting to nighttime now.

So they hear, like, an engine start up in the distance.

And all these bright lights suddenly flood the entire forest.

And it's like, what the hell is that?

Like, and they look.

And this big machine just starts coming through, like, tearing through the trees.

Like, the deer start running off.

But, like, nets are shooting out, capturing the deer.

Yeah.

There's raccoons.

And, like, they're just being, like, targeted and tranquilized.

And Marla runs off.

And she gets captured in a net.

And Joe's like, Marla!

Joe!

She gets right.

And meanwhile, Kevin's like, Joe, we got to get out of here.

No, we got to go for Marla.

Joe, we got to get out of here.

No, we got to get Marla!

Joe, do you want to try to save Marla now and die in the process?

Or do you actually want to be alive to save her?

Fine!

So they book it.

They get back to the car.

And, um, but the cop took pictures or something.

So he has evidence.

He's going to figure out how to do something about this.

So they get back to the car.

And the bear's like, you know, the bear's like, well, so what are we going to do?

Well, we can't go to the brain state yet because we got to save some of these animals at least.

Yeah, you damn well better save my Marla.

What do you mean you're Marla?

You just met her.

I've known her for years.

What, what are you two, like an item or something?

No, not exactly.

Well, dude, she was all over you.

Hey, shut up, okay?

It's complicated.

It's not that complicated.

Just sounds like you're not willing to...

Shut up, okay?

Let's stop talking about me and start talking about...

They hatch a plan.

And he has photos and stuff, but he's like, hey, there's only one other major road in and out of this forest.

We can get over there.

Maybe we can like...

We can like sabotage this machine a little bit.

So they head over, like they sneak over to the other side of the forest.

And sure enough, like the guys are taking a break.

They're sitting there drinking coffee or whatever.

They're like, ah, yeah.

Nothing like a hard night's work.

That's great.

Yeah, we did a good job.

They're going to be so happy.

I guarantee you another night of this and we'll have them all.

Meanwhile, like they're sneaking around.

They're like pulling wires and tubes off the machine.

They find Marla.

They manage to set her free.

No, wait.

They don't set Marla free.

Because we need her to go back to headquarters.

So the bad guys have a, you know, leverage.

But they're starting to set animals free.

And like then, the guys catch wind that something's wrong because they start hearing like animals move around and stuff.

So the animals run through, knock their coffee over.

Like one of the guys gets like kicked in the head by a deer, gets knocked out.

The other guy panics, jumps into his truck, leaves.

But the other guy, so let's say there are three guys.

So the remaining guy gets into the big machine and manages to like haul off.

And the bear's like, no, no, we didn't get Marla.

We didn't get Marla.

Kevin's like, look, look, we know where they're going.

We know what their headquarters are.

Like, we will get her back.

That's easy for you to say.

She could be dead by tomorrow morning.

Maybe she was right.

Maybe I shouldn't have trusted you.

He's like, no, I promise.

We'll take care of this.

We got the evidence.

You know, we got everything we need.

We got pictures.

We got fingerprints.

We got the guys.

We got the company.

We got everything we need.

All we got to do is go back and tell the chief.

Okay, fine.

I'll trust you, but we got to get Marla back.

I know.

All right.

We cut from that moment because there's going to be like some kind of tension or something there.

And we cut back to bad guy headquarters.

And they get in a call with like the big baddie.

Again, we don't see the big baddie.

So, how are operations going?

Well, we have a little bit of a problem.

What do you mean a little problem?

Well, you see, there's this guy, local cop, showed up and sabotaged part of the machine.

He did what?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, you blithering idiots.

How could the local cops be there?

I don't know, sir.

All I know is that this guy came in and like sabotaged the equipment.

We barely got out of there.

Well, that's okay.

I'll take care of them.

Just, you just get the rest of those animals.

Oh, and sir.

Yes.

We thought we heard something weird.

Well, what do you mean you thought you heard something weird?

Well, I don't know.

It could have been just me.

So, you have to set this up, obviously.

At some point, like one of the bad guys actually like thinks that like after he's been like knocked to the ground or something, he thinks that he sees the officer talking to a bear.

It's like, well, I don't know.

It could have been I was hitting the head too hard.

Well, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's for sure.

No, but like, I swear I saw the officer talking to a bear.

Talking to a bear?

Yeah.

Talking to a bear.

Well, that, that does put a damper on things.

Sir, you don't seem fazed by this.

Yeah, don't worry about it.

Okay, sir.

You cut back to the, the, the station.

And, and Officer McCauley goes into the Chief's office.

Sir, I need to talk to you right now.

You know, I'm a little busy right now.

No, no.

This, this has to happen now.

Okay.

Well, what's going on?

Sir, I believe that our woodland area off of like I-7.

There's something sketchy going on there.

Oh, really?

Well, what made you believe that?

Well, throws down like pictures of the drums of like the, the poachers and everything.

I was out there and here's, here's what I'm seeing.

Interesting.

Well, you see, I know all about this.

The Chief's the bad guy.

Yeah.

You see, I may or may not have made a small investment in a small company not too long ago and needed a place to get rid of some materials from an experimental division that went belly up.

And tell me, officer, how exactly did you come to know about this?

Now, meanwhile, keep in mind, Joe is in the car outside or whatever.

Yeah.

And he gets jumped.

Yeah.

He gets jumped, but he's going to escape.

Yeah.

So I was like, well, what do you mean?

Like, I got an anonymous tip.

Really?

An anonymous tip?

Yeah.

I mean, I was, I was doing a routine traffic stop and a guy told me.

Really?

What guy?

What did he look like?

Well, sir, if I, I, I can't divulge my sources.

Officer, if you expect me to do anything about this, I need to know.

Well, sir, he's a bear.

Meanwhile, the bear's, like, getting in a fist fight outside.

A bear?

Well, you know, it's too bad for you that I already figured out your little secret.

Let's just say your friend's being taken care of right now.

No!

And that's for you.

And, like, he throws him into the jail cell.

This will teach you for interfering with local politics or local businesses or whatever.

Ha, ha, ha.

And, like, meanwhile, the bear beats the crap out of the two guys that were sent to come after him.

And he runs off.

He's like, I can't believe it.

Can't believe Kevin would turn on me like this.

And it's like, no, Kevin wouldn't turn on me.

Oh, yeah, because, like, one of the guys, like, says Kevin sends his regards.

Or something like that, you know.

Or they could just be dressed as cops.

They could be dressed as cops or whatever.

He promised me.

He promised me.

And, like, so he's, like, running off.

And meanwhile, you cut to, you know, Officer McCauley.

He's in the jail.

It's like, man, what am I going to do now?

And, like, I think maybe.

Thought of a new element here.

They met, at one point, a chipmunk in the woods.

Well, yeah, because the squirrels and chipmunks read the news.

Yeah.

That would be their, that would be what they do.

So.

And the birds, obviously.

They met a chipmunk in the woods.

And the chipmunk wanted to help.

But, like, obviously they told him, no, like, you're just a little guy.

You can't get involved in this.

Meanwhile, he snuck.

He snuck into the officer's pocket at one point.

And Kevin sits down on the prison bin and you just hear squeak.

And it's like, what?

What are you doing in there?

Well, I need, I thought I told you I wanted to help.

Yeah, but I told you to stay behind.

Well, it turns out I need your help.

Yeah, and maybe, I think at some point we need the chief to say something like, well, then we'll have to pay your friends a lady bear a visit, won't we?

Yeah, or something like that.

The guy's like, look, I need you to run and tell Joe that it wasn't me.

And then I'm trapped in the jail and I can't do anything.

It's my boss.

It's the chief.

I didn't know it was him.

And so the chipmunk runs off.

Meanwhile, like, the bear is like, oh, I've got to, you know, he's just storming around, like, breaking into grocery stores.

Like, breaking into the, he breaks into a grocery store.

He rips the door off of a freezer and, like, just grabs, like, a big bucket of ice cream and starts, like, one pawing it.

You know, just like, oh.

I'm so depressed.

I lost, like, the one lady that I want, my only human friend.

Ah.

What the hell am I going to do?

And then the chipmunk is like, he shows up and is like, look, you got it all wrong.

He's in jail.

Well, what do you mean he's in jail?

And your lady bear, she's in big trouble.

Well, what do you mean she's in trouble?

Look, I can't explain.

You got to get him out of the jail now.

Okay.

And he runs, you know, lumbers all four legs, like, busts through the lobby of the police station.

They're like, oh, my gosh.

Like, you know, there's a receptionist there.

Don't worry.

Don't worry.

I brought the donuts the other day.

Yeah.

He's running.

He gets to jail.

Oh, my gosh.

Yeah.

Joe, I'm so happy to see you.

Kevin, I thought you betrayed me.

No, I would never betray you, man.

Now, get me out of here.

Well, where are the keys?

The chief has them.

Oh.

And the chief is the guy that's working with that company, right?

Yeah.

And he's gone, right?

Yeah.

And he said something about visiting your lady bear friend.

You see, like, the bear, like, start to go, and just rips the jail cell door up.

And looks at him.

And Kevin looks at him.

He's like, remind me never to make you angry.

He's like, damn right.

And so they go off, and they're like, okay, we've got to come up with a plan.

And it's like, well, what kind of a plan?

I think on their way out, they show, like, a big gear locker filled with stuff.

And you have to hold the camera for a moment to show that there's bulletproof vests in there.

Yeah.

Because that's a setup.

So they grab a bunch of stuff.

They're grabbing weapons.

They're grabbing, like, sabotage stuff.

And then they head out to the chemical facility for this paper company.

Now, they have to break in.

So they're using, like, wire cutters to break through the chain link fence and sneak in.

They start cutting security cameras and whatnot.

And the bear is like, so I'm going to bust in there.

No, you're not going to do that because they're going to shoot you.

Well, then what do we do?

And they're, like, trying to sneak through these air vents.

And the bear is just like, I have to tell you for the record, this is a very bad idea.

Like, the air vents are just, like, bowing out as they're crawling through the ducts.

And so they start, like, getting listening.

And they start hearing, like, the bad guy monologuing.

Like, my dear lady, your bear friend is dead.

And his human friend's in jail.

There's nothing, absolutely nothing, that will get the drop on us in this operation.

And that's when the bear falls through the air duct right on top of him.

He's like, oh, yeah.

And so, like, they start fighting.

You know, his human friend, Officer McCauley, starts, gets in the fight, too.

And, you know, the bear, like, at some point is, like, flipping through the keys.

No, no, no, where's Marla's?

And he sets Marla free.

And that's, and everybody thinks things are going well.

And then most of the bad guys have been dispatched.

And you hear, like, a big shotgun blast go up in the air.

And it's, and the chief turns towards the bear, turns towards Kevin.

Or, no, not towards Kevin, towards Marla.

And it's like, okay.

So, I guess we're going to do things the hard way then.

And as he's pulling the trigger, obviously, Joe dives in front of Marla and pushes her out of the way.

And he gets shot point blank in the chest.

And so, or not point blank, but, like, he clearly gets shot.

Yeah.

And Marla's like, no.

And, and the chief is laughing.

You know, Kevin, like, his leg's broken or something.

Yeah.

So, like, you know, maybe he, he, so he can't get up and help.

And so, like, the chief is just sitting there, like, gloating and laughing and doesn't expect the absolute ferocity and speed of Marla.

And she just rampages, knocks the shotgun out, and just starts, like, slashing him.

Like, you know.

And, and meanwhile, like, the guy's like, no, no.

And, like, the, the other, Kevin's like, no, no, no.

You, you can't, you can't kill him.

We got to bring him to justice.

And she's like, you're lucky that I have enough intelligence to respect your laws, human.

Because the justice, the justice of the forest is very different than what you would do.

So this guy is, like, bleeding out.

And you think, oh, yeah, like, he'll end up getting true justice.

But what you don't realize is some of the raccoons and squirrels that were set free are up in the rafters.

And the guy's like, yeah.

I promise, you know, after I've recovered, you're all gonna go to hell.

I'll burn that forest to the ground.

Nibble, nibble, nibble.

Funk.

Like an air duct or something just falls right on him, cuts him in half.

And they're like, what?

You know, just like, what?

Now, now we have to turn our attention back to our friend Joe, though.

Joe was clearly shot.

He's laying there on the ground.

Everybody is all sad.

Everybody gathers around him.

Heaven hobbles over.

He's like, buddy, you got to be alive.

Like, come on, buddy.

Speak to me.

Speak to me.

And the bear borrows a line from Yogi Bear, which is like, how about a picnic basket, Mr.

Ranger?

And he's like, huh?

And the camera pans down.

And the bear still had, like, on the police jacket this whole time, the old police jacket.

And underneath it, the bulletproof vest.

How would he know that's bulletproof?

Well, they grabbed the stuff out of the cabinet on the way out.

Yeah, but how would he know it's bulletproof?

It was explained off camera.

Okay, we don't need, we just need to set up that they took a bulletproof vest.

They declare the forest like a national preserve.

You know, obviously Marla and Joe end up together.

And when they have their first little cub, they declare Kevin to be his godfather or whatever.

And meanwhile, Joe officially gets a job on the force.

You know, they're celebrating, like, you know, they're celebrating, like, the, you know, the birth of their child.

They're having a little party.

And then, like, Kevin, like, gets a radio.

Oh, you know, we have a three, you know, we have a ten whatever in progress.

Oh, gotta go.

You know, duty calls and then, like, Joe looks at his wife, you know, Marla.

Well, honey, you know, gotta get out there and take care of things, you know, or whatever.

And it's like, oh, yeah, you are one great bear.

No, I'm not just a bear.

I'm a bear cop.

You know, or something like that.

And that's how we wrap it up.

So, what do you think?

Yippee.

Yippee.

So, Hollywood, now that we've walked you through the story and fleshed it out a bit, now we'll keep the same price, I'd say $75,000 for the script.

Maybe $85,000.

We'll go up to $85,000.

Plus 5% of the gross.

Yeah.

So, if you want to let us know, I mean, we'd be happy to flesh out this story more for you.

And if anyone else wants to let us know what you think of the story, there's one place you could do that, and that's by emailing...

feedback@nontopical.com That's right.

And by the way, you too can be like our good friend Dimce and support us, because we do believe in something called...

Value for value.

Which means whatever value you get out of the show, show equal value in return.

And we appreciate any of that, anything from $5, $3, or...

Hypothetical $1,000.

Sir, all this talk about, you know, picnic baskets and stuff...

Did it make you hungry at all?

No.

No?

Not even hungry for...

Cheese quesadilla.

Cheese quesadilla.

All right, everyone.

Well, we appreciate you listening, and we'll be back in a couple of weeks, as usual.

And, yeah.

I don't have anything else.

Thanks for listening.

Bye.

Bye.