In this episode of the Variety Show podcast, Tom realises his limitations in the song contest.

I'm not going to get any better than this because I'm performing it, which is the very big limiting factor.

How can I make this better?

It's me.

Tom learns that spitting is superior to swallowing.

I had to spit mine out, as you may have heard.

I thought he was going to be sick.

Rob wishes he had chosen different bands for the music quiz.

Boy band, I mean, so like Take That.

Oh, yeah, well, that would have definitely counted.

Yeah, I didn't know what you meant.

Backstreet Boys, all that.

Yeah, mine are band bands.

Oh, fine.

You know, that's what I've put in there, so I would have picked things like Take That.

Jokes.

Your mum's so fat, your dad burnt his arse on the light bulb.

It's like all those, that era.

It wouldn't happen now, they're LED.

Sports talk.

Did you see the match last night?

Listen now.

Welcome back to the Variety Show with me, Tom, and...

Me, not Tom.

Oh, you're a twat.

I didn't even try and go with anything this time.

I know he's going to piss me about.

I just know he's going to do that.

I'm Rob.

Hello.

Hello, Rob.

Right, we've got lots and lots of stuff for you this week.

It's going to be a good fun, as full of variety as the name suggests.

And as the intros go, we've always got a couple of bits to talk about.

I am having a really shit time at the moment with T going to nursery.

So since the summer holidays, and I know they've had six weeks off, he's normally been super quick at getting back into the hang of things.

He's term time only, isn't he?

He's term time only, yeah.

And he's normally super quick at getting back into the routine and really enjoying it.

And he loves it there.

And I picked him up at the end of today, for example, at quarter past five.

didn't want to go so we spent another 10 minutes while he just ran around the garden playing still so that gives you an idea he likes it when he's there but the past four weeks every morning i don't want to go and crying and the past few times i've dropped him off now proper on the floor bawling his eyes out me just picking him up dumping him in the middle of the room saying bye then and walking out obviously it sounds really mean if you haven't got a kid you don't understand this it's hard you do not sit there hugging your child going, it's going to be okay, because that just makes it go on and on, even more for the nursery staff.

Your drop -off is you take him inside?

No, we normally drop him off at the door, but I didn't want the nursery nurse to try and pick him up, because he went completely floppy three times in a row now.

Full -on floppy, and it's not fair for them to have to try and lug him around.

So I've just gone under his arm, dumped him in the middle of the room, said, see you later then, and off I've gone.

I know he gets back to normal afterwards.

Apparently it takes a few minutes, but then he does calm down and he gets on with his take.

It's bloody heartbreaking.

And I just don't know what's changed.

He's normally so good, he usually loves going to nursery.

And then these past four weeks...

You want to know what it is?

What I always say it is?

He's a dick.

You're too good a parent.

It's not that he doesn't want to go to nursery.

He doesn't want to be away from you.

He's had too much fun.

Well, this is it.

He genuinely doesn't want to be away from me and Gem at the moment.

But that's never normally been a problem at nursery.

So that's what we're a little confused about.

So any ideas, ladies and gents, please do let me know.

Because I think we're going to go back to, we had a little bit of this a couple of, maybe a year ago.

And it went on for a couple of weeks.

Nothing major.

But I went to, if you go in as a good boy, you can have a sticker.

And I've got all these weird car stickers that are all shiny foil ones, because obviously.

And they're in the car.

So I might go back to doing that and we'll see if a sticker chart helps.

But, oh, it's shitty.

Sticker chart is like my tease.

cheat machine it's like it's like um what were those cartridges you used to put in so you could have the cheats on we spoke about loads of times before oh yeah yeah yeah i know what you mean yeah yeah yeah that's basically his as soon as i introduced that for anything it's like okay i'll do it because it's it's a gateway to lego and that's his ticket chart here is a currently gateway to go into soft play oh you use it for software we use it for soft play because let's face it every trip to soft play results in six weeks of cold Yeah.

But everyone.

So ours is basically a currency for something from the big smiths in Watford.

Yeah, it's always a currency for something.

He chooses, as I say, he chooses soft play for us.

I don't think he's chosen toys yet.

He probably will eventually.

I only ever offered him toys.

I mean, you've got a much better idea taking him soft play for a day.

Otherwise, you're filling your house with little bits of tat.

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

Don't make out you're not happy with him getting Lego because you sit there and love building it with him.

He doesn't like me now.

He's got so good at it now.

I have very little involvement.

Only when he puts it together and he goes, Daddy, it doesn't make sense.

And I'll be like, did you follow the instructions?

Yeah.

And I'll look at him and go, no, you didn't.

We're currently building the Enderman Minecraft.

Oh, nice.

A big one.

That was like the super special kind of gift for half filling out a chart and also not complaining for every single dose of awful medicine he had to take for his ear infection.

Oh, yeah.

Which is what we're talking about with my boy.

Oh, yeah.

So, yeah, let's come over to T then.

So he's had his own issues.

He's had lots of ear infections over the years and the doctors have always told me, oh, he's got a lot of gunk in this ear particularly.

So I got, like you got a camera for Jem.

Yes.

I got one.

And I never, just no one tell me, I never put it in far in his ears.

Only ever enough that I could see inside.

Well, you're not 100%.

And I could, one day I looked and I could not see anything.

Just rock solid.

Wax.

Wax.

Completely compacted in there.

Just gross.

And we started using like one of those sprays and olive oil.

We're doing all the kind of stuff the doctor said.

It just wasn't really working.

And that was on and off.

And whether the sprays had anything to do with it or whatever, he ended up getting an ear infection.

I wasn't doing anything wrong with the spray.

I'm following the guidelines and everything, so I...

I think it probably was the spray that might have done it, but it was a middle ear infection, so I don't feel like something on the outside could have caused it.

Just coincidental.

Anyway, we didn't know he had it until I looked at his ear and was like...

That is great.

Because it's just like, oh, your ear looks a bit dry.

I'm going to put some moisturiser on your face.

Oh, my God, what is all that gunk?

And his whole ear must have burst at school.

Because it happens, doesn't it?

They perforate the eardrum when the pus comes out.

I mean, the pressure release must feel amazing.

But what I don't understand is how he wasn't in pain.

Because as an adult, perforated eardrums are agony.

Well, the thing is, he doesn't ever actually really say when he's got anything wrong.

And he's had a lot of ear infections.

And he's never once had a temperature.

It's one of the things they always say to us, has he got a temperature?

No.

He's never, ever, ever displayed a temperature with any infection he's ever had.

And just from my knowledge there, all these things announce, oh, you can go to your pharmacist and they'll help you.

Yeah, and do you know what pharmacists do?

As good a job as they do, their checklist, if it says, have they got a temperature?

And the answer is no, they send you away every time because they say, you've got to have a temperature for us to move on to the next question.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, he...

Never had one.

Anyway, this was me taking him to, I took him to the Hemel urgent care, got there at 7 .30, waited for half an hour, got triaged, went through the whole triage for her to then tell me, oh, sorry, we're too busy to see you.

And I was like, oh, thanks.

Thanks.

I was like, can you just look at his ear?

You're here.

Can you just look at it?

You're literally telling me you're too busy.

You could be looking in his ear right now.

You could literally just look at it right now.

I'm telling you it's an ear infection.

I'm not a doctor.

He has pus in his ear.

It's an ear infection.

All you've just got to do is look at it and prescribe me some drugs for it.

And I think that actually is a very quick procedure.

100%.

100%.

But she wouldn't look at it.

She wouldn't look at it.

I wasn't getting rude with her or anything.

I was just like, can you please just look at it?

So I was like, well, what do I do then?

Because I kind of would want to get done.

She just sent me to Watford.

So I went to Watford.

Oh, my God.

Half midnight, was it, in the end?

I got home at 12 .30 at night.

Yeah.

And it's hard because every experience I've ever had with Watford has been, apart from with Miranda's mum, has actually been very good.

The child part.

is a really good hospital, the child bit.

A million percent.

Whenever we've taken the kids.

But now he's over five, we don't get to go in that bit.

So he goes to a different child bit, by the look of it.

They wouldn't send us to that other one.

What, the one next to X -Ray?

You don't get sent there anymore?

No, send us to a different one round the corner.

Oh, that's odd, because I took Kay there last year, and she's 10.

Well, they didn't send us to that one.

They sent us to a different one.

We had to walk...

back a bit and go up and round.

So you know when you go into the Watford Hospital and you turn right and there's a reception line for you?

Oh, you went into that first bit.

Yeah.

Yeah, no.

So that is also, that is basically, you get triaged and that is their urgent care doctor service.

Oh, okay.

Well, you get triaged in a hallway.

Yes.

With somebody who had no bedside manner whatsoever with children.

So she shouldn't have been there.

But we were in the room.

We were on our own for about 45 minutes.

No one came.

Then the room filled with kids.

Every single child got seen before us.

And then we were alone in the room again.

I had him sleeping in the end.

I managed to get him to fall asleep on a row of chairs because it was like I was getting really frustrated because no one, because he wasn't getting seen.

Understand that, you know, you get seen.

Sorry, this is going to take longer than 10 minutes.

Seen in.

the order of how important it is.

No, I know.

But at the same time, the algorithm must say, I understand that, but I also have a five -year -old who's been here for three hours.

Yeah.

It doesn't matter what comes in next, this person's next.

Well, anyway, when we finally got seen, some poor woman turned up as well with her little baby and she was just talking to me.

I was pacing.

I was just going nuts.

I was like, I'm going to start being mean to people and it's not their fault, but I'm getting really aggravated.

And...

She started talking to me, making me laugh a little bit, trying to stop me from murdering the hospital.

Finally got seen.

And the guy was really actually brilliant.

And he was so apologetic.

He said that, you know, whether this is true, he said there's meant to be four of them on today.

And two hadn't turned up.

Three hadn't turned up.

Just three did not turn up.

They just didn't turn up.

He had already finished his shift and got called back to cover.

So he said he'd been up since eight that morning and hadn't had a break.

because he'd had no break on his shift, gone home, been home for a couple of hours and got brought back.

That's just disgusting.

And then he had to be there till four or five in the morning again.

And then up back for eight again then.

Yeah, so poor bloke.

But whether or not that's true, who knows.

Anyway, ended up being he's got an infection we knew.

We got an ENT referral.

We got it within two days, which was great.

That's like unheard of for a referral.

Oh, yeah.

And we...

And really nice people in the, see again, Watford Hospital had another good experience.

Watford, the ENT people were brilliant and they're really good with kids.

And we had this great male nurse who was, he had, T had his symbol to him anyway.

He had his ears vacuumed because they couldn't, he had an ear test, didn't work on that ear at all.

He said, it's getting zero.

Can't see.

Yeah.

And it was so full of gunk when they suctioned it out.

I was just like.

Honestly, the amount of gunk that came out, I just started laughing.

And the nurse started laughing because he was just like, there's so much stuff coming out of this ear.

The doctor kept pulling the, have you ever seen the really small kind of syringe things they kind of use?

It's this big, thick hose.

I just kept pulling it out because it was getting blocked.

I had to keep pulling it out and wiping it off and go back in again and pulling it out.

And T was just like, oh, it sounds really funny because he can hear it in his ear going...

So I'm like, at the end, I was like, you've got to show him that.

I wish I'd taken a picture of it.

And they brought the hose around here, man.

I'm not joking.

The amount of horrible looking stuff that was in there.

He was just like, oh, that was in my ear.

I was like, yeah.

And I said, you can hear in HD now.

It's like...

We had...

Kay used to get ear infections semi -regularly.

Yeah.

And we took her...

I can't think of how old she was.

She must have been maybe five or six.

Maybe a little bit younger, actually.

Maybe about the same age as T.

And the doctor...

Oh, no, we were in St Albans.

So, yeah, we were here.

So it must be within five years then.

And the doctor looked in the ear with the otoscope and went, yep, there's snot behind your eardrum.

And she just went, why is there snot in my ear?

Earwax will connect, isn't it?

How do they get that out?

You just leave it, and it eventually migrates on its own.

Oh, right.

Did you take anything?

Yeah, she ended up with ABs.

Oh, sorry, antibiotics, and then, yeah.

It's just the joy of having kids, ladies and gents.

Kids are gross.

I'm back, and I won't have anything said about my mumsy.

Do you understand?

The Song Challenge is nearing its end.

What have the boys got to say about their creations so far?

Song Challenge update.

Right, you've got an update for us, I think, on yours.

I didn't listen fully to your voice message earlier because you were going on about it, so I thought, no, I'm going to save this little treat for the episode.

Oh, okay, so I finally figured out the software.

Hooray!

To the best of my ability.

And I've got about a minute done.

Oh, well done.

So I've got another 30 seconds after that that I'm kind of working on.

And I'm going to get pretty close to as best as I can to two minutes.

I don't want to make the song feel like it's drawn out.

So I think if mine is a bit under two minutes, just don't tell me off.

No, that's fine.

Mine's three minutes, which was the original one we said.

I'm not going to get into three minutes.

Mine will be boring.

It's yours.

Dance music then?

Electronic music?

What is it?

Yeah, it's kind of dance electronic.

Did you say that you'd sent it to someone who's given you feedback?

Well, I sent it to Chris.

Right, okay.

He gave me a feedback and I sent it to James as well because I was talking to James.

Oh, fair enough, yeah.

He said he was surprised.

I think he said it was better than he thought it was going to be, which was a nice compliment.

Oh, well, this is bad news for my song.

Well, that doesn't mean it's good.

I don't know what level James thought it was going to be.

And yeah, I'm pretty happy with what we've got so far.

I put it in the van and realised I have to turn the bass down because I was genuinely worried I was going to blow my speakers in the van.

So you were influenced by Mr.

Wazoo.

Yeah, what doesn't sound bassy in my headphones is very bassy in my van.

So I'm going to turn that down.

I'm going to want everyone to be complaining that I've blown their speaker systems however they listen to this podcast.

Oh, blimey.

I'm starting to think I might have to actually put some more effort in on mine then.

It's not that I'm...

I'm not being like Mr.

Trihub.

I am trying to make it a good song that I think you'll enjoy.

Yeah, you see, this is the problem.

I've realised that...

I'm not musically talented at all.

And why did I even suggest this as a challenge?

You know what it is?

I don't think I'm musically brilliant either.

I just think we're both creative.

I think that's what we are.

We're both creative.

It's just channeling that creativity into music is very difficult for both of us.

Very much so.

And I think I'm just going to end this section.

So mine is recorded.

It's done.

Yeah.

Except I keep thinking, should I go back, re -record it?

Should I change the ukulele bit of music to it?

Does it really make sense?

And then I listen to it and it's like, I'm not going to get any better than this because I'm performing it, which is the very big limiting factor.

How can I make this better?

It's me.

That's the best I could do.

Exactly.

So not a smooth move on that.

I'm just going to end this very quick section with green is not a creative colour.

More Japanese snacks?

Bloody hell.

I wonder if they would ever chew on my plums.

Last week, we ate a fuckload of Japanese snacks.

And I said last week, I mean last episode.

Boo.

And it was delicious on the most part.

And I ate all of those ramen things.

I've only got a little left, but the pork one, oh my goodness, that went the next day.

And I'm so glad that Minimon can...

Chipmunk didn't like them, so they were all mine.

Yeah, they're nuts.

Oh, well, they are chipmunks.

Anyway, the day after we recorded that, Holly, our fantastic hairdresser, swung by for a visit.

And she, not just visits.

Hello, Holly.

She came to cut.

and she came to cut Jem's hair.

Does she work in a salon?

She does work in a salon, but she also does house visits for people that request it.

Is Holly the hairdresser that said she did play over the speakers in her salon?

Yes, she also takes part in Helldivers.

Oh, does she?

Yeah, she's very awesome.

Why haven't I played with them then?

Oh, we haven't.

We'll get her screen name and we'll play Helldivers with Holly.

Good, thank you.

But anyway, she went to Japan the week before.

I can see that we're going to be sucking on her Japanese candy balls.

We're going to be eating her Japanese every burger.

Every burger.

Then you get to eat some dried plums.

And then we have a weird mini bottle, which is these.

Holly's Japanese candy balls and her dried plums.

Yeah, and look, look, look.

It's Captain Dry Plums.

Oh, I like him.

He looks great.

So the dried plums come in this yellow bag and there is a superhero on there with a giant S on his chest and a flower and a kind of weird visor helmet thing.

So I'm just going to call him Captain Plum.

Captain Plum.

So, yeah, we've got all these things to taste, really.

So we've got Captain Plum.

We've got this box of Happy Burger, which Holly was very excited to tell me she barged a little child out of the way so she could get the last one for her.

Oh, damn straight, yeah.

Move that kid out of the way.

So I've got a feeling they're going to be a bit like the Trolley Burgers or Trolley Burgers, whatever they're called.

What?

You know, those mini gummy burgers you can buy.

Oh, sorry, yeah, yeah.

I think they're by a company called Trolli, T -R -O -L -L -I, anyway.

I'd love to be a little person walking around in the library of your brain and just seeing all the nonsense you've got in there, how you remember that.

Oh, there's so much.

Then there is these.

Which look very Star Trek -esque.

Oh, I love it.

They look like little stars or something.

Yeah, and the little bottle.

Little crystals or something.

I like that.

I'm partly hoping they're going to be a bit like Tom Thumb Pips, if you remember those from the days of...

There he goes again.

I'm going to know what it is, but I'm not going to remember.

They're the little boiled sweet little tiny pellets that you used to get in, not Pick and Mix, in...

when you used to go and ask for like a half pound or a quarter of sweets.

Oh, those.

Yeah, yeah, I used to get them from my nan all the time.

They used to be rainbow ones, or then you could just get cola ones.

We used to call them millions, I think we used to call them.

Oh, okay.

And then, yeah, then we have these mini bottles, which I'm going to say they look to me...

They're going to be liquid in there.

No, they're not.

They are powder in there.

I've got a feeling they're going to be something like...

Sherbert.

Sherbert.

Sherbert.

Sherbert.

What do you want to try first?

I want to try the plum.

I want to try super plum.

You want to try super plums.

Oh gosh, he's chucking it at me.

Yeah, I've thrown my plums at Rob.

Oh, they are.

They look gross.

They do look gross.

Apparently they are a massive thing over there.

They're a very traditional item that kids absolutely adore.

They look like leaves.

Yeah, they're not appetising.

They don't look it.

There's not a single bit of English on this packaging.

No, there isn't on any of this.

This has been imported by her.

Do I dare huff it?

Oh, I think you should give it a huff.

Oh.

Sniff my plums.

It smells like packaging.

So these have been imported?

Well, no, so she stuck them in her suitcase.

Oh, so these are all imported by her suitcase.

Oh, sorry, so she's been there.

Oh, sorry, I missed that.

Yeah, she was in Japan and bought these back for us.

Oh, I'm jealous.

I've always wanted to go to Japan.

Yeah, it's on one of my lists.

I was saying with a...

Chipmunk the other day, and she said, Japan's not on her list, so it's obviously me and you.

We'll go together then.

Oh, they do smell.

I love the fact that you've gone for a big one.

I'm going to see if I can get a small one.

I've thought that was a pretty average size in there.

There's one that's really flat and long in there.

They look like scabs.

Oh, thanks, yeah.

I'm hoping if kids love this, it's going to be an explosion of flavour as soon as liquid touches it in our gobs.

Oh, you can't even rip them.

Oh, just eat it.

Oh, okay.

No.

It's...

It's, um...

It's something.

Um...

So...

Oh, why is it salty?

It's salty.

Oh, it kind of hurts your tongue.

Oh, oh, oh.

Now, I've tasted plumbers before.

It does not taste like that.

This is what I would imagine hardened cum tastes like.

Oh, these are not good.

Holly, these are not good.

I had to spit mine out.

As you may have heard.

I thought he was going to be sick.

Oh.

It definitely.

Sorry, I'm making a lot of smacking noises.

OK, so at first I actually quite liked it for about a second.

I was like, oh, this is quite a nice plum taste.

This could be nice.

Maybe it's because the taste is going to get stronger.

Suddenly an instant salt attack.

And a taste that is not plum.

It starts to tickle your gag reflex.

And it's still there in my mouth now.

I don't know if it is salt, but it certainly tastes salty.

I can't imagine there's salt in it.

Whatever the drying process they're using for that does something.

That was deeply unpleasant.

Because it doesn't really taste like plum.

It's sickening.

The taste is sickening.

That was unpleasant is an understatement.

I generally thought you were going to throw up then.

Oh, my sweet.

I'd actually rather have one of those hot chilies that fucking Matt sent us.

No, I thought I was going to die.

At three o 'clock in the morning around the toilet.

Do I phone TJ and say, do I call an ambulance?

Am I dying?

I'm not going to be hugging the toilet bowl for an hour after having a dried plum.

Certainly that is revolting.

That is.

You may be sat in the toilet while you have a nice pleasant poo after eating a plum.

Two -point salty plums.

Yeah, sorry.

Two -point I'd rather have a shitty ring.

You'd rather have a shitty ring?

Yeah, I would.

I think that's probably more...

I'm going to have to have some of my drinks, sorry.

Yeah, no, do, please, because...

Oh, and I'm blaming you for choosing that one first, so I'm going to go with something that hopefully is going to...

Well, I'm glad we got it over with.

It can only go up from here.

So I've opened up the Every Burger package, and it's foil -packed.

For freshness.

For freshness.

If this is more plums, I'm going to be really upset.

Surprise!

We've just got you four different versions of dried plums.

Every burger in Japanese means dried plum.

Oh, they're biscuits.

No.

I thought they were going to be gummy sweets.

If you look at that box and tell me.

Oh, Jesus.

I just lobbed it across the room at him.

Oh, they look like sweets.

I thought they were going to be gummy sweets, but here you go.

Here's one coming to your gob.

Oh, it's so cute.

They're really, really cute.

I'm going to get a photo of it.

But they're little burgers.

They've got little sesame seeds on top.

Hi, little guy.

They've got a little chocolate burger in there, and they've got a little.

What looks like another, maybe a white chocolate blob as mayonnaise.

I think mayonnaise is a big thing out in Japan, isn't it?

Oh, hello.

Oh, okay.

Dried plums can fuck rice off.

These are delicious.

Okay, I'm just trying to get it to...

It's Japanese, isn't it?

So hang on, everyone.

I'm getting my...

It will translate out on my phone.

I'm trying to do my...

Well, while you're doing the translate, stick the burger in your mouth and munch down, because that is lovely.

There's the loveliness of a smooth hazelnut chocolate flavour.

The biscuit is really light.

It's got this lovely crisp...

texture to it and a nice crunch uh it's not overly hard and then whatever's on the top of it that little crispy kind of little granules that they've used as fake sesame seeds oh lovely the bit the bun quote -unquote tastes like those panda things that we had yes i was trying to think of what they and then the chocolate inside of those is what the burger tastes yeah so how hey panda Yeah, something like that.

Hey, Panda biscuits, whatever they're called.

Yeah, they're round biscuits.

I got the Pokemon ones from Canada, didn't I?

Yeah, that's it.

They're a biscuit shell with a hazelnut chocolate in the middle normally.

Well, these are them, but in burger form.

Chocolate and biscuit burger, it says underneath there.

That says chocolate and biscuit burger.

Oh, they are very nice.

Difficult even for adults.

Include spot the difference.

Really?

Oh, inside, inside the package.

Can't spot the difference game.

Yeah, inside.

Oh, that's awesome.

Oh, this is great.

Yeah, chocolate sweets.

Well, would you look at that?

I am really taken with those.

Those are delicious.

We'll split those up at the end.

Please note that communication charges incurred when accessing the site will be borne by the customer.

Oh, nice.

Okay.

Right.

So moving swiftly on, what do you want to try?

What looked like drugs in little bottles or the magic Star Trek crystals?

Star Trek crystals, please.

I'll throw them to you to start.

Oh, it's glass.

It's glass.

Yeah, no, I trust you.

Probably should have told you that first.

Yeah, you should have.

So he's going to try and open it.

It's not going to be the...

The bottle of drink from last week.

I'm just going to take a handful of them and just go for it.

Yeah, go for it.

Go on, nosh on down.

I'm just going to...

What did you say?

Nothing.

I did say nosh on down.

Nosh on down to self, bug.

Right.

Oh, I can hear the crunch.

Oh, wow.

Okay, they are very crunchy from the sound of it.

I'm just going to give everyone a bit of a crunch.

Oh, hang on.

Burger.

That is a...

Oh, sorry.

That burger, that's a...

That's a six -point wonderful.

I would eat that.

No, I think that's...

Sorry.

I didn't glaze that enough.

That was amazing, that little biscuit burger thing.

I would have loved it as a kid.

I love it as an adult.

That is a six -point burgerific.

Six -point better than a Big Mac.

Yeah.

These are decidedly average.

These things.

Well, you crunched yours.

I'm sucking on mine.

They're really nice.

They're just sugar.

Well, they are nice, but I think that they're, I don't know what I was expecting, some wow factor.

They're very sweet.

I don't know what flavour they're meant to be.

Oh, you know what they remind me of?

So I'm sure there is a flavour there.

There is an underlying something.

It's very light, whatever it is.

But just crunching that.

Straight back to the 90s.

I'm sure you can get them now.

And we'll talk about the 90s later.

Chewing on a sugar cube.

It's that exactly same texture and flavour.

You crunch down on it and it suddenly breaks into your mouth.

And as it gets moist, it just suddenly goes bleh.

It's like, it's not flowery, but it's certainly a very, it's one of those kind of...

Willie Woofter flavours.

Pardon?

That's an interesting way of me saying that.

Do you know what I mean?

That's probably going to be bleeped.

You need to buy an elderflower drink or one of those style drinks.

Do you know what I mean?

It doesn't taste like elderflower, but it's that kind of thing.

It's mid -range.

I quite like the texture of it.

Right, I'm just trying to get my translate working now.

You might have to download Japanese again.

Mine, golden year sugar.

So it really is just sugar.

There is no flavour.

It is coloured sugar crystals.

Yeah, it's going to be a four -point crunch.

Yeah, it's a bit in the fours.

Four -point sugary goodness.

There's nothing bad about it, but it is just eating sugar, which I'm guessing is bad in its own...

That was enough.

That one mouthful there was enough.

That whole bottle would last me a long time.

Yeah, fair enough.

Well, I'm going to offer you the colour here, because I think we'll just have a bottle each.

Oh, they suddenly...

That was really fucking...

What the hell just happened then?

That was like magic.

What on earth just happened then?

Really cheeky.

I didn't realise this.

So we've got our little packaging here.

I don't know why I'm putting it in.

You can't see it.

That blew my mind.

The pink one is pink.

Okay, right.

The yellow one is white and then the blue one is white.

So they've got colouring on the packaging and these three little bottles.

We took them out and then all of a sudden two of them are bright white, not the colour that we expected.

Because the yellow one was yellow in the pack.

As soon as you pulled it out of the pack, it went white.

I was like, what?

Yeah.

Good job it's got the colours on the lid.

But why is the pink still pink?

I don't know.

I'll have the yellow, though, please.

You'd like the yellow.

And I'm going to have the blue.

It looks like washing powder.

It does, yeah.

It looks like something you would put in a washing machine.

Granules, but they're bigger.

They're very sweet little things, aren't they?

Right.

Annoyingly, I've knocked through one of the letters on this.

I took the yellow one thinking it was lemon.

Well, that would have been a good guess.

I might just pour it in my gob, I suppose.

I guess so.

Yeah, just give it a tip and see what happens.

Fruit sour, it's refreshing, glucose acid, famous ingredients and spices.

Famous ingredients.

Oh, it's basically...

Sherbert, but rather than starting in the powder form, it goes powdery once you've got it a bit wet on your tongue.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, that was sour.

I like sour.

Mine is.

Just swap.

You suck on mine, I'll suck on yours.

Oh, bad throat, sorry.

You had the blue one, did you?

I had the blue one.

That's definitely lemon, the yellow one.

How do we neck it?

That's definitely lemon.

I don't know what the blue one is.

I've got a bit of a tingle on my tongue.

I'm not sure what the blue one tastes like.

You know what?

It tastes a little bit weaker than the sherbet straws we'd have had as kids.

Yeah, nowhere near as potent.

Yeah, but I would have liked this as a kid.

I would have had this.

Yeah, I would get...

I'm not going to give it anything great, though.

Like that sugar, I think I'm going to give that a four -point share, Bert.

A four -point, you'll probably need to have a visit to the dentist.

Yep, probably.

Right, that's all the snacks.

Thanks, Holly.

That was really cool.

Thank you for sending that.

Thank you for thinking about us.

Lovely.

And everyone who's in Holly's area, go get your hair cut.

Oh, definitely.

I love music.

Give me shawaddy waddy any day.

Anyway, Rob has to remember when lyrics start or something stupid like that.

Take it away, you two.

Right, we've got another music quiz and it's not reversed this time.

And it's not what the hell are the lyrics.

It's a game that I have stolen from Richard Osman himself.

Okay.

Have you ever watched House of Games?

Nope.

Really good quiz show on the BBC.

It's really good actually.

It's Richard Osman's House of Games and there's just lots of little games that he does.

Some of them we're pretty good at in this household.

Others, like the geography one, we suck.

Okay.

And there's one that we particularly love.

And what they do is they play you a bit of a song.

Okay.

And then what you've got to do is they all have a stopwatch.

They start it when the song begins.

And then the song stops playing and they've got to stop their stopwatch when they think the lyrics begin.

Okay.

And that's what we're doing.

That's what I've stolen.

So this is, I messaged Rob the other night and said, look, I'm planning out this episode.

I need your top 10 bands.

And you send me your top 10 bands.

Well, I send you 10 bands I like.

10 bands you like.

Yeah, fair enough.

And no, bot bands do not exist.

I don't know what a bot band is.

Boy band, I mean, say like Take That.

Oh, yeah, well, that would have definitely counted.

Yeah, I didn't know what you meant.

Backstreet Boys, all of that.

Yeah, mine are band bands.

Oh, fine.

You know, that's what I've put in there, so I would have picked things like Take That.

Well, I've chosen one song from each of the bands you sent me.

Right, okay.

You're going to hear five seconds of the song, and you need to start your timer as soon as I press play.

And then I will skip through the silence.

The listeners are not just going to be listening to silence.

Although if they want to take part themselves, then they'll need to work out a way of doing that.

But I'll play you five seconds of the song.

You start your timer on your phone as soon as the music starts.

So basically when I say I'm pressing play, start the timer.

And then when the music stops, you've got to just carry on in your head and then press stop.

when you think the lyrics begin.

Okay.

And then after that, I'll tell you the song and artist, or are you just going to tell me?

Well, you know what?

Because you wrote song, artist, time.

We'll play all of it.

We'll see how well you do on all of it.

Will you get the time?

Will you get the artist?

Will you get the song?

Okay?

Those are the three things.

It's the times we care about, but you can get some bonus points if you get the song title.

I might get the artist.

You know, I'm so bad at these things.

Well, you told me the 10 artists that you wanted.

So hopefully that should be enough to make you think, I know what I asked for.

Yep.

Okay, right.

I've got my answers here.

Oh, do you want to do question one to 10 and then hear the answers?

Or do you want to do question and then hear the answer?

I think we go all the way through and then you say at the end, right?

Okay, that sounds good.

Or would it be, what's easier for you?

No, no, there's no easy, it doesn't matter.

Okay.

Right, so I am, that's good, opening it doesn't start it playing.

Okay.

So remember when I press play, you start, you'll start.

Stopwatch, and you can only stop it when you think the lyrics begin.

So you're going to say start, I'll start at the same time, and then I keep my playing, and then I'll stop mine when I think lyrics go.

Yeah.

Now, one of the artists we've chosen, or you chose, was The Offspring.

Mm -hmm.

If you think about Pretty Fly for a White Guy, the Guten, Bligen, Blaugen Morgen.

That doesn't count as a lyric.

That is not.

Or if someone goes, yeah, yeah, or ah.

It's the actual song.

Main lyrics.

Okay.

If you are planning on joining in this game, pause every time you hear the beep.

Once you have counted your time, press play and join in with Rob.

Right, here we go.

Three, two, one.

Have you pressed stop?

Yeah.

Okay, so...

I think it's a bit...

I can't remember how many times, but it's Foo Fighters.

How many times they do that lick at the beginning before he starts singing.

Yeah, so you've got the song.

You've got the artist.

Do you know the name of the song?

It's one of the newer ones.

It is one of the newer ones, yeah.

What song would you have chosen for Foo Fighters?

As one of my favourites, Everlong is a really nice...

Everlong's a good one.

I was going to do My Hero.

Monkey Wrench is another.

I love Monkey Wrench.

Learn to Fly.

Oh, Learn to Fly with Jack Black and Kyle Gass, yeah.

I don't actually know the...

The Presender.

You know, I would have got there.

And you know what?

That album, as one of the things I did for when I was doing 3D modelling for uni...

Yeah.

That album's got like a weird kind of bomb on the front.

And I made a 3D model of that bomb as one of my things.

Anyway.

Okay.

When did you stop your top stopwatch?

10 seconds 32.

Are you going to round up or down?

We are literally just.

10 seconds, 10 seconds, 10 seconds.

Okay.

So we will do it one by one.

Yeah, do it one by one.

The Pretender was the answer by Foo Fighters.

Yeah.

And the singing starts.

Hang on a moment.

Let's play the answer first and then I'll give you the exact time it starts.

It's this bit.

I can't remember how many times they did that.

Yeah, I'm too early.

I think I'm about three seconds too early.

You'll be glad to hear.

I'm going to give this to you.

11 seconds is when he starts singing.

If you'd rounded up, you would have been absolutely bang on.

Well, I did 10 .32, so you should round down.

Yeah, I know you should, but I think we'll have a...

Maybe we'll have a one -second buffer.

Oh, thanks, mate.

Is one second fair or two seconds each way?

I do one.

Let's make it...

Okay, one second each way, fine.

So, you've got two points.

All right.

Very good.

Moving on to the next question, then.

Tell me when you're ready.

Ready.

Three, two, one.

Okay.

13 seconds.

Because we're saying we're not doing the haze and haze and stuff.

Yeah.

Because that was Green Day.

That was.

I've read Foo Fies a long bit.

Do you know the name of the song?

This one, the American Idiot album.

It is.

See, I was going to do Basket Case.

However, that would have been zero seconds because he sings at the opening of that song.

Yeah.

Again, I can't remember the song.

I can sing it in my head.

I can't tell you what the song's called.

Think about the main lyrics.

On...

No, you're just going to have to tell me.

Holiday.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, what...

Was your time...

13 seconds.

Almost bang on, I think.

13 seconds is wrong.

Oh, is it?

By quite a way.

Really?

20 seconds is the answer.

It's even longer than that.

Oh, okay.

Let's play the answer so you can hear.

Ah, the drums.

I started the haze.

Yeah.

Yeah, I missed that whole bit there in my head.

Fair enough.

It happens.

It does happen.

I love that song there.

Right.

Question three.

Are you ready?

Yep.

Steady.

Go.

It's disturbed.

But I don't know when this...

I've just done eight seconds.

I don't know when he starts singing.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Do you know the name of the song?

You're going to hate yourself for all of these, aren't you?

You're really good with band.

You've been 50 -50 at the moment with the time.

It's not stricken.

It's not.

No, I don't know.

The Light.

Oh!

Oh, the light.

Which is the song that introduced you to Disturbed.

Yeah, it's one of my favourite ones.

How did I not get that?

Okay, I'm going to give you a chance now.

Now, you've stopped at eight seconds because you just gave up not knowing when it started.

Do you want to adjust that time?

Because I'm more than happy to let you adjust it and go for a guess if you want.

No.

Is it longer than eight?

Shorter than eight?

I'm just going to go with eight.

I don't know.

Well, I'm not going to tell you the answer.

I will let you record.

I will let you do the answer on your stopwatch.

Ready?

Steady.

Go.

Oh.

Restart it.

Okay, hang on.

And go.

Oh, God, I'm going to listen to that on the way home.

About 30 seconds is what I got it down as.

It's such a long time since I listened to it on the way home.

Absolutely.

It's such a good song.

Yeah.

Question four then, Robert.

Tell me when you're ready.

Ready.

Three, two, one, go.

Shit, I've lost it in my head.

Would you like me to play it again?

Yeah.

Okay.

Hang on.

Three, two, one, go.

I think it's 12.

Okay, so do you want to tell us the artist?

Or the song?

It's the Rolling Stones.

It is the Stones, indeed.

Possibly one of their biggest hits.

Yeah, I can't fucking remember any of their names.

Okay, everyone knows it as this whole.

Obviously, the last word of it is in brackets.

The song is actually I Can't Get No.

Satisfaction.

And everyone knows I Can't Get No Satisfaction.

So, yeah, it's I Can't Get No.

satisfaction rolling stones what did you have at the time i wrote 12 but i don't actually know it was 15 seconds oh it's close so i think you were probably one loop or once it beats out so if we listen to the answer to that one such a classic guitar riff no yeah i'm not brilliant at this it's tough isn't it but this is why i really love it when it's on that show but they do it so rarely and i get really excited because there's been a couple of times where i've got to absolutely bang on with a stopwatch and i somewhat lose my shit oops okay question five ready steady go I don't know the song.

Oh, yes, you do.

Yes, you do, Untitled Sci -Fi Show.

Play it again.

That's the clue, by the way.

Untitled Sci -Fi Show.

Oh, hang on.

It's not letting me play it again.

I will play it again.

Ready, steady, go.

Oh, dear.

Fuck, it's not coming to...

I don't know.

I don't know.

okay ah savior of the universe oh fuck it's queen it is queen oh it's fucking hell it's um oh god twat it's uh fuck hence i was saying untitled sci -fi shows i'd come on Flash, it's fucking Flash Gordon.

Oh, I'm such a knob.

I've let everyone down.

Well, now you know it's the song.

Would you like to hear it again and see if you can do the time?

Yeah, sorry.

Oh, such an idiot.

It's so obvious now.

Okay, ready, steady, go.

Flash, seven seconds.

Okay, let's have a look here.

No.

No?

Let's listen to the question five answer I've got here.

Extra piano.

I did not account for the piano.

Twelve seconds.

It's literally, I bet.

I bet that's the amount of time that piano plays is what I'm off by.

Right, okay.

Oh, I feel like such an idiot for not knowing that.

We are going to come on to question six then.

Let's see how you do with this one.

A bit more of a modern band this time.

Ready?

No, no, I'm not ready.

I've lost the thing.

Ready?

Steady.

Go.

Ten seconds.

It's Californication by Red Hot Chili Peppers.

So you've got two points.

Absolutely correct.

You've got no point on the time, though.

No?

No.

It's one of these ones that goes on a lot longer than you think it does.

So this is about 10 seconds now.

So you were actually looking for 20 seconds then.

Yeah, right.

This isn't going to be very good on YouTube, this is it.

How many times are we going to get copyright claims on YouTube for this?

Oh, screw YouTube.

I don't care at this point.

Okay, number seven.

And I'm going to give you a little hint on this one because I think it's only fair.

It's a long one.

So be prepared to think, have I gone too long?

Probably not.

Okay?

Ready, steady, go.

31.

Nowhere near.

Too short?

Way too short.

It was Metallica, anyway.

It was Metallica, indeed.

Now, everything so far has had under 30 seconds worth of play.

I don't, I'm not going to play the answer for this one because the answer is one minute, 12 seconds of their five minute -ish song.

I think it's five minutes, 30.

The first whole minute is just that amazing grunge rock intro.

And this is, yeah, I can't play that back.

So we're moving on again then.

Question eight this time.

Tell me when you're ready.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

That's okay.

Oh, obviously, what was the band?

It was N to the Sandman, wasn't it?

Yeah, N to the Sandman by Metallica.

Yeah, so you get those two.

Ready, steady, go.

Nine.

Ooh.

It's Come As You Are by Nirvana.

It is Come As You Are by Nirvana.

I'm afraid you're quite a way off again.

No.

I'm getting too short every time, aren't I?

So you're thinking it kicks in now, but drums.

There's obviously something in my brain that is realising something is happening at that point.

What's interesting is you're cutting out the drums a lot of the time.

You had a background of drumming for a little while.

Yeah, I played drums at school.

Yeah, well, I think it's because in my head, I'm thinking, in now.

So maybe in my head, I'm thinking, you play now.

So that's what I'm thinking.

17 seconds was the actual time for that one.

Okay, we've got two songs left.

Tell me when you're ready for number nine.

I'm ready.

Ready, steady, go.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry, sorry.

The screen just as I went to press start, the screen went off.

Sorry.

That's okay.

Ready, steady, go.

11 seconds.

I haven't got a fucking clue.

Is it Coldplay?

It is Coldplay.

You get a point.

Thanks.

Let's see.

Probably one of their earliest hits that people will remember.

Play again.

Oh, okay, hang on, yeah.

It's almost like yellow, but I don't think it is.

Is it yellow?

It's yellow.

And you're wrong on the time.

Yeah, I'm probably miles off again.

33 seconds for yellow.

We don't need to play 33 seconds of Coldplay.

No, I'm not going to play 33 seconds of Coldplay.

Okay, so can I tell you the band for the next one before you've even played it?

Yeah, go on then.

It's Offspring.

Okay, can you tell me the song?

No.

Is it Pretty Fly for a White Guy?

It's not Pretty Fly for a White Guy.

Okay, already.

I should have done that as that was the reverse one.

Yeah.

Ready, steady, go.

It's the one time that you're too slow.

No, I wanted to stop at 10.

I wanted to stop at 10, but I thought, because I've been wrong every time, I went longer.

And it's not.

That was the trick one.

Seven seconds.

Oh, man.

I can't remember what the song's called.

I just remember this.

I just remember it as being on the Tony Hawk album, and I don't remember what the song's called.

Oh, that's interesting that you went Tony Hawk funny, because I wouldn't have gone Tony Hawk.

I would have gone Crazy Taxi.

Oh, maybe that is what I know from them.

Crazy Taxi for me, because I remember walking into the Garston Arcade.

the Watford Cinema and the Hollywood Bowl and they had the stand -up cabinet of Crazy Taxi and all you could hear over all the bowling noises.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maybe that is what I know it from then.

So what's it called?

It's All I Want by The Offspring.

So I got 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14 out of a possible 30.

That's possibly the worst you've done on any of my quizzes.

I only got the time right on the first one.

Yeah.

I've got every band right.

Which isn't bad.

I didn't say Queen.

Yeah, okay.

And I've got some of the songs right.

It's a tough one, isn't it?

Because you either, you can sing it or you can't.

And now I know that the chipmunk is desperate to do one of these for both of us to do at the same time.

But being a chipmunk, they don't know how to edit audio.

Which is going to be really hard.

She'll have to be sat here with a phone and play it.

And then pause it at five seconds.

Or I'm going to put her in contact with Karen and Adam of Lightly Used and say, can you edit the audio files for her if she sends them to you?

Rename them something, yeah.

And, yeah, we'll just do it like that.

So, tough quiz.

Yeah, it was.

I like it, though.

I like these music ones.

Yeah, well, that's the next one.

The backwards one has been the best one so far.

It's been a couple of episodes since.

We're probably going to have a reverse one next.

Yay.

I remember the 1990s, a fucking terrible time of my life.

Shell suits really didn't suit me, following Baby Spice and getting a caution and that prick Noel Edmonds.

Give me the 80s any day.

Me and the chipmunk were in the car the other day, driving along, and we were just, I don't know even what board it, oh, we were chatting about Kay has a bank card.

Just a one -off Revolut as a kid's account.

And we thought, you know what?

It's probably easier to pay her pocket money into that.

And then less chance for her losing the money.

We can keep track of what she's actually got.

And she has that little bit of spending power if she wants to.

And we just started chatting about it from there, I think.

And we were just remembering our first ever bank cards.

Did you ever have a bank card as a kid?

I was straight into my debit card.

Oh, okay.

And how old were you then?

When I needed it for the pub.

Oh, really?

I was cash.

I was cash only.

I was a cash man.

Ooh, get you.

Yeah, cash man, yeah.

That might not be quite right.

Actually, I think I had a credit card when I got my car.

But I got that when I was 18 as well, actually.

So I think I got it all at the same time.

Interesting.

So I was 13 when I got my first card.

And it was a really weird world back then.

It was the 90s.

And kids obviously couldn't have...

the popular cards of the time so you had visa cards you had switch if you remember switch switch cards you had diners club you had all these wonderful you had mastercard and all of that but then there were some kid -friendly ones that were released as well and the first one i ever had so my remember my cousin saying oh i've got a bank account with hsbc and they've given me a bank card that i can use in shops i was so fucking jealous yeah it's like this is awesome right I was with Barclays.

So I went to Barclays.

What account can I have?

And they gave me a Visa Electron card.

So it was like a cut down Visa.

And do you know what?

What?

It wasn't accepted anywhere.

Everywhere hated Visa Electron.

I have no idea why.

But we started thinking about it.

Visa Electron just wasn't accepted anywhere.

No idea why.

So I went to HSBC and I still remember the logo now.

Switch had a junior version, junior kid version, whatever you want to call it.

It was a solo card.

Right.

And it was the Switch logo, but purple.

And that was accepted everywhere.

And I remember, I think the first purchase I ever made on it was in HMV with it.

Probably putting myself down to zero in the bank account, but it was just such a weird world.

Just thinking about, yeah, kids now.

I wouldn't even bat an eyelid at a kid having a bank card and it probably being a MasterCard or a Visa because they now have their own Visa debit, MasterCard debit.

Well, they've just monopolized the whole system, haven't they?

100%.

Yeah, we just started thinking about that.

And then that started making me think about kind of the 90s and what we used to do.

And then obviously, yeah, we used to be very cash.

You had cash in your pocket.

You spent cash.

You got cash back.

People knew what to do with cash.

And then there were the days of...

No mobile phones back then.

And going into St Albans, and for some reason, St Albans had an inordinate number of phone machines, phone booths, that were no coins.

They were all phone card only.

And we'll talk about phone cards in a minute, because I've got a big box of them to have a look at, which I think is rather cool.

But one of the things I remember from the 90s, and I've never met anyone else that had this.

So we had a BT phone at home.

Yep.

And it was a BT account, friends and family, if you remember that.

Yep.

And if you remember the playground joke, your mum's like BT, gives a discount to friends and family.

I've heard that joke.

Yeah, it's an absolute classic for the playground at the time.

I'll set him off.

Yes, I love those cute little jokes like that.

Along with your mum's so fat, your dad burnt his arse on the light bulb.

It's like all that era.

It wouldn't happen now they're LED.

That's disappointing.

Just think about all the things we used to do as kids as well.

Trying to remember what all of the, when you put your foot in and someone went round with their finger to decide who would be out until the last person was there and they would always be the it.

It, dip, dog, shit, fucking bastard, silly git, you are not it.

Exactly.

Secondary school version and possibly year six version was it, dip, dog, shit, fucking bastard, dirty git, you are not it.

But everyone learnt that.

you could pick who it was going to be by where you started.

Yeah, exactly.

You worked out the maths of it.

So it's like often you'd get someone barging, I'm here.

Oh, you know.

Yeah.

Great.

Either, or there was eeny, meeny, miny, moe, catcher, you'd know I'm not going to say that one.

Tiger by its toe.

You didn't know.

Never say that.

I'm not a rap artist.

So yeah, so we were talking about that one.

But no, going back to BT, we had this, sorry.

So we had a BT account at home and I remember mum one day saying, right, you and your brothers have got these cards and they were these BT cards and they had this long account number on there.

And what you had to do, you went to a phone booth, you could dial this BT number first, then you typed in your account number that was on your card.

And then you could type their phone number that you were ringing and it would bill your home phone number rather than taking credit at the phone booth.

Right.

Which I thought was just really, really cool.

And I memorized mine because I'm a big geek.

And I guess I must have got it wrong and it just so happened one of those must have existed because we never saw it on our bill.

So I'm guessing if I'd got a number wrong, it was going on someone else's bill.

Yeah, I guess so.

For many years.

But I just, again, something from the 90s you don't get.

You don't get people, oh, I need a phone.

I'll go to a phone booth.

I mean, what would you do actually if your mobile phone died now?

I don't even know numbers anymore.

I don't.

I know my wife's phone number.

I don't know gems.

I feel really bad about it.

I should.

Oh, rounders is easy, though.

Oh, is it 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6?

Six of numbers are only two numbers.

Oh, useful.

No, seven of the numbers are only two numbers.

Okay, so that's a little bit easier, then.

Fine.

But yeah, other than...

I can still remember the pub, 86, 22, 35.

Oh, I never knew the pub's number.

Oh, that was the pub number.

I can remember my old home landline, which I'm not going to read out because that still exists.

I remember mine and Mark's, but neither of those phones are active anymore.

Oh, really?

Okay.

I can remember my best mate's old one.

So I can remember landline numbers, but mobiles, no, not a chance.

It's that additional five numbers you've got to remember now at the front.

Yeah.

But I go, God, you want to throw it back?

I even remember when our number didn't have an eight at the front.

I don't know if you remember that.

No, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The number suddenly went from five digits to six digits.

Oh, no.

So, yeah, so we had all that.

So if you open up that yellow question mark box that's on the floor in front of you, we can quickly talk phone cards because I just thought, you know, it'd be fun to have a look at a few of these.

And then I do think maybe we will do a live kind of Twitch where we look through these on camera.

Because there is something very cool about old phone cards.

Oh, I like these boys on here.

It's five.

Is that five?

It might be.

Show me.

That's not five, is it?

Throw it over.

Will it say who they are on it?

It's got Animal on the back.

Oh, no, that's another card on its own.

So there's the Muppet cards in there.

So that five one, I think that's channel five.

That might be family affairs or something like that.

So who is this lot then?

I recognise them.

What a terrible looking ball.

Oh, the dandy.

He hasn't got spurs anymore.

What?

Oh, yeah.

Desperate Dan's on the floor.

Yeah.

Oh, who is that?

Oh, so it's the Pepsi chart you were talking about.

Let me see if I can take it out.

I don't even know where the hole is.

We're giving away 600 pairs of tickets for the filming of the Pepsi charts on Channel 5.

Promoter Brick Soft Drinks Limited.

Oh, these ones have got the chip on.

You push them in.

Yeah, so...

101 Dalmatians.

It did change over time how these worked.

So some of these, yeah, were BT, and then some of them were the classic phone card designs.

Is that the one I gave you?

Yes, that is, and there's more in there.

The Kellogg's.

So...

We'll talk about that in a moment, but mum got a big box of cigarette cards and there's more of those.

More of them.

I have no idea who that is.

I really have no idea what band that is.

These have never been opened.

No, some of them haven't been opened.

That could be five, but yeah, I mean, I loved having a phone card in my wallet.

There's no need for it.

I just wanted one, so I used to have one.

Yeah, they're just such weird technology to think about now.

2002, this expired in 2002.

That's not that long ago.

Well, no, but isn't it a weird thing that we had this technology where you went into a phone booth, you had this green, on the most part green anyway, BT card, and yeah, it literally, look at the top of this one.

Can you see that little mark on it?

Not from here.

I've got one here.

So that's the unit, and that tells it how many units have been used on that card.

It burns onto it.

It burns onto it.

I'm guessing that looks like it's a magnet stripe.

Oh, this one's had a kid draw on it.

That's the Blue Peter one.

Oh, yes.

So you're looking at the Blue Peter phone card.

By Michaela Wayne.

Hello, Michaela Wayne.

If you're still listening to anything and you've suddenly ended up listening to our show, get in contact.

Yeah, age five she was when she did that.

And I bet she regrets it.

Good on Michaela.

Always a bear in a phone booth.

But, yeah, phone cards, I just thought it was a fun memory to have.

And if anyone's got any good memories of phone cards or that sort of thing, please, please do send them in and we'll...

Talk about it in the next episode.

Let's take our Toy Story ones.

Oh, yeah.

I literally bought a load of these for cheap.

There's Kermit.

Kermit in a leather jacket looking like long English.

Oh, boring green.

Yeah, that's the classic, though.

They are the original.

As I say, I think we'll do a Twitch video where we look through them on camera and people can talk to us as we go through them.

But, yeah, if you look deeper in there, there should be more of those Kellogg's Sport ones.

Oh, I like that one.

Oh, which one's that?

Is that the...

Dragons of Summer Flame.

Oh.

Oh, that's a cool one.

Is that BT or is that one of the French ones?

BT.

Oh, okay, because there's some French ones in there.

There's Star Trek ones in there somewhere.

Oh, yeah.

Here we go, First Contact.

Yeah, yeah.

Ten units.

It's a cell card, so that must be...

Yeah, so I think those are the French ones, the Star Trek ones, which was a shame.

I don't think we got them in the UK.

That was terrible.

Look at the cut on that one.

Yeah, I mean, you're not exactly explaining and describing here.

So he's looking at the Star Trek ones and basically what they've done is they've taken an A4 picture and you've got the phone cards and it makes Deep Space Nine.

There you go.

You put Sisko's face together.

Yeah, so they kind of made them a collector's thing.

Yeah, sorry.

Yeah, I've done a really bad job of actually explaining any of this to anybody.

I'm just having, I'm in my own little world now.

I mean, did you ever use reverse charge out of a phone booth before?

Phone booth?

God, that's American.

No, what's that?

Oh, no, sorry, charging it to someone else's house.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I have done.

Yeah, I mean, that's the only way I ever would have done it.

That always, before I got that BT card, I used to phone mum and dad at the shop all the time, and you'd hear the operator, would you like to accept a call from a young man called Thomas?

I'd hear my dad, oh, what's he want?

It said no before as well.

They didn't accept the call and then they hang up on you.

Oh.

Oh, thanks, Mum and Dad.

Love you.

Tell them I'm on fire.

I'm being taken away by a weird man.

Please.

I've been asked to get in the back of this van.

They've got puppies and candy.

Yeah.

Together.

So, yeah.

I'll get in that van.

Fuck's sake.

Nods watch.

In the driver's seat.

Right.

I'm just going to very quickly press the pause button.

And just like that, we're back.

It's almost like you got no gap at all there.

I mean, God, it's amazing technology.

Anyway, one of the reasons we, again, we talked about in the night, I thought we haven't done this yet for the Variety show.

So I thought we'll have this added in and we'll see how it goes.

We do it for the Untitled Sci -Fi show where we watch a film and then we discuss it.

Yep.

So for the next episode, I would like us to watch this film and we're going to talk about this film.

I'm so excited.

Now, let's see if anyone can tell what the film is by the trailer.

So I'm going to press play now.

I'm so excited.

You'll be surprised who's in it too.

When the world is in trouble.

When our future is in danger.

We call upon one man.

But when he calls five girls, Columbia Pictures presents the Spice Girls.

All right, we're coming.

In their film debut, Victoria, Emma, Mel B, Jerry, and Mel C.

They're ready for action.

So cheesy.

Girl power.

They're dressed to kill.

Yeah.

And thoroughly prepared for any encounter.

It's a story of love.

I think with boys, you should be able to just wheel them in.

Yeah, and order them like a pizza.

Yeah.

No cheese.

Come now, cheese.

It's really too hot in here.

I need a fan.

That's a good joke.

That's a good joke.

No, Rob.

No, that's like...

Oh, dear.

That's like Naked Gun joke.

No.

But I love one of these pie things.

Make your choice.

I like the blonde one.

No, no, no, no, no.

Sporty.

Rock your world.

And spice up your life with the Spice Girls.

Spice World.

So there we go.

We are seeing Spice World from 1997.

Now, I love how the advert.

their movie debut as if they're going to get another one.

I exactly thought that was the implication they expect to have a sequel.

I think there was meant to be a sequel planned and it just kind of all fell through the arse.

I remember really liking it as a young man.

I think I've said about on here before I was obsessed with the Spice Girls.

I had like pictures of them on the wall.

Yeah.

I was certainly a Spice Girl fan.

You were a Spice Boy.

I was a Spice Boy, certainly.

And I was saying to you that you could buy the VHS and you could get a different tin based on each girl.

You get a different tin.

Yes.

I bet mine is still in my dad's loft.

But yeah, I have to go hunt it for it.

Fair enough.

I chose Baby Spice, obviously.

Of course.

So, yeah, we're going to watch that.

We'll discuss it in the next episode.

Just because, you know, the next episode, we've got the song contest.

It felt right to then have a weird bit of it.

And we haven't done it before for the show.

That was the other thing.

Where can we stream that?

I'll find a way.

I haven't got a VHS player anymore.

Oh, no, sorry.

I know.

I've ordered you a DVD.

It's coming to your house at some point.

Have you?

Yeah.

Oh, wicked.

I'm going to watch it on DVD.

Oh, cool.

It would have been VHS, I thought.

No, because then I'm going to have to buy him a VHS player.

Then I'm going to have to buy him a Scott to HDMI adapter.

And then I'm going to be bankrupt.

So it's not happening.

Oh, I'm so excited.

Oh, yes.

You asked for it.

You're getting it.

The Variety Show is finally covering sport.

Did you see the match last night?

No.

Right, off you go, you two.

Thank you for not firing me after Mumsy took over.

Love you both.

Love you.

Love you lots.

Really.

Thank you, ladies and gents, for another earful of our beautiful podcast.

And it's always good fun doing this.

And obviously, you just heard, we have now finally peaked in variety by doing everything from sport...

To film.

It's amazing, our show.

Anyway, thank you for listening.

You can find out more about us at channel84 .co .uk.

If you look up our show, you'll find all our details, where you can stream us, where you can share the links to us from.

If you click on talk to us, you can also find all of our social media details.

You can email me, tj at channel84 .co .uk or tj at...

theverisyshow .co .uk.

You can email Rob at rob at channel84 .co .uk or rob at untitledscifishow .co .uk.

Or if you're desperate to send an email to both of us at exactly the same time but don't want to type two email addresses, you can send it to podcasts at channel84 .co .uk.

You can also find on Studio Channel 84's webpage more information about our fantastic co -hosts that do their shows.

And that is...

rob and me doing the unsigned sci -fi show uh your two weekly sci -fi filled show of random sci -fi stuff that often doesn't end up being sci -fi and then it does become sci -fi.

We've recently done Nope.

It's just a really good sci -fi show.

Go and listen to us there.

You can also listen to Karen and Adam of Lightly Used.

You can listen to Simon and Ross on Who Takes the Socks Off?

And you can listen to James on Super A to Z.

And all of their information, all their links are also on channel84 .co .uk.

Rob, thank you as always.

And we'll see you for the next episode where we're doing our songs.

Bring it.

Hehe.

this was a studio channel 84 network show to find more head over to channel 84 .co .uk now