[SPEAKER_00]: Hi, I'm Yui Xu, and I'm Julie Kraftchick.

[SPEAKER_01]: We're active daters, turn dating insiders, here to dive into everything, modern dating, and relationships.

[SPEAKER_01]: Welcome to Datable!

[SPEAKER_00]: Hello, everybody!

[SPEAKER_00]: Welcome back!

[SPEAKER_01]: Ah, so much to talk about today.

[SPEAKER_01]: We have a good one for you all, and we're so glad to be back.

[SPEAKER_01]: What have you all been up to?

[SPEAKER_00]: Let's have a conversation, a two-way conversation with people who can't talk back to us.

[SPEAKER_00]: I always want to ask you all, like, what are you all up to these days?

[SPEAKER_01]: What do you do as your multi-tasking?

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[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Give us a peek into your world.

[SPEAKER_00]: You better not be sitting on the toilet.

[SPEAKER_00]: If you are, don't tell us.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Tema.

[SPEAKER_00]: But yeah, we are back with, um, [SPEAKER_00]: A little chat, a little chat about this concept of settling, and what does it even mean?

[SPEAKER_00]: There are so many words in our vocabulary that we throw around sometimes because we hear other people say them.

[SPEAKER_00]: But if I asked you, what does settling mean to you?

[SPEAKER_00]: What would be your answer?

[SPEAKER_01]: I feel like this is so hard for me to answer because I think like what we've learned over the last decade makes it difficult, but I'll try to take myself back to what I was early dating and ignorant.

[SPEAKER_01]: That to ignorant Julie.

[SPEAKER_01]: I feel like when I heard I don't want to settle, it was that I didn't want someone that was like below me.

[SPEAKER_01]: Like I had this feeling like I had this accomplishment or I had this attribute and I didn't want to go for someone that was underneath that.

[SPEAKER_01]: Clearly, by views of that word have changed, I think that just makes it sound like you're kind of like above it all, and that's not a good way to go into dating at all, but like that transparently when I think of like, I don't want to settle.

[SPEAKER_01]: That's what I think of.

[SPEAKER_01]: Like all the most aspirational qualities of myself, I want someone that's equal or not better than those.

[SPEAKER_00]: I probably have a similar definition, and if I were to take me back to my 20s, I would even add settling what have been being with someone without exploring who else is out there.

[SPEAKER_00]: Kind of settling for the first person or the second person who chooses you.

[SPEAKER_00]: But what if there's more and better out there?

[SPEAKER_01]: Interesting.

[SPEAKER_01]: I think it's interesting too, because Laura got leave wrote a book like the case for settling.

[SPEAKER_01]: And I feel like that like ruffled a lot of feathers that like title alone.

[SPEAKER_01]: Like I remember someone posted it into our, [SPEAKER_01]: Facebook group and they were saying that like they actually found this book super useful and it at the core of it was trying to say I think what we say a lot with the settling paradox that you're maybe hyper focused on the wrong qualities that don't really matter but the term of like the case for a settling it makes it feel like oh I'm just throwing it at the towel.

[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm just kind of like, I'm 35, but as we'll just settle, I think that's who the book was geared for.

[SPEAKER_01]: It was like the case for settle, like dating after 35, and it was just it was written in a different time also.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I heard it was a really good book though.

[SPEAKER_01]: I'm sure it is, and I'm sure the title was meant to be provocative also.

[SPEAKER_00]: Right.

[SPEAKER_00]: Right.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, but the word has been so negative in the way we speak about it, because [SPEAKER_00]: It is kind of like, oh, this is as good as I'm as good as I'm going to get or I'm I've given up on everything like this is the best I can do and then I also heard it used when I was watching materialists and someone was like, [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, yeah, she settled for the poor guy.

[SPEAKER_00]: And then I was like, wait, wait, no, no, no, that's not that's even a different definition because she had both choices.

[SPEAKER_00]: And she chose to be with the poor one, settling would be like, you have no other choices.

[SPEAKER_00]: Right.

[SPEAKER_00]: Like, this is who I'm going with.

[SPEAKER_00]: Because, uh, who else, who else is going to choose me?

[SPEAKER_01]: I feel like when you ask people like what their biggest fear is when dating and like getting into a relationship, it's always settling.

[SPEAKER_01]: I don't want to settle.

[SPEAKER_01]: And I think that's why it's hard for people to commit to people or to go on that next date when it's like not fireworks in its lukewarm.

[SPEAKER_01]: And you know what we've learned over the years of doing data ball is actually core to our book, how to be data ball.

[SPEAKER_01]: We have the traps that people fall into when dating that [SPEAKER_01]: like perpetuated by modern data culture, and one of them we call the settling paradox.

[SPEAKER_01]: And this is when your hyper-focused on these traits that you feel like you'd be like dating down if the person didn't have them, that we overcompensate on that.

[SPEAKER_01]: and overlook when someone's not even treating us well, or they don't want to commit, and they want to stay in a situation ship.

[SPEAKER_01]: So the paradox here is that we, you know, would never not settle for the guy that's not 65, but then would settle if they don't like would only call us on the weekends, last bit it, and never want to like be in a relationship.

[SPEAKER_00]: Right, we have these traits that we think, oh, if I got anything less than these traits, then I'm giving up.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm throwing in the towel.

[SPEAKER_00]: When in actuality, it is all about what that relationship is like.

[SPEAKER_00]: How that person operates in that relationship, how they show up, how you show up, [SPEAKER_00]: And that's beyond the traits that we're constantly thinking of.

[SPEAKER_00]: Now, many friends who have said, you know, I can't settle, I'm not settling for someone who doesn't have a college education.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm not settling for someone who doesn't make this amount amount of money.

[SPEAKER_00]: But just like in your example is like, I look at some of the people they ended up with.

[SPEAKER_00]: And those are some of the worst behaviors that I hope [SPEAKER_00]: no one ever settles for, to have someone treat you like shit, to have someone deprive or ties you, to have someone who is mean to you emotionally, that is settling, and that's the type of settling none of us want, right?

[SPEAKER_01]: And I think we actually had this episode that I'm thinking of that we talked to Allie Jackson, who's the host of Finding Mr.

Hyde.

[SPEAKER_01]: And she talked about her almost relationships, like the string of almost relationships where they never could really get off the ground, it'd be like that full-blown relationship.

[SPEAKER_01]: And a lot of situationships or dates that never went anywhere.

[SPEAKER_01]: And she said that for her who had dreamer tendencies that she used to, you know, like, look at, like, you hear like actions speak louder than words, but she would say that she would actually take the words and the actions.

[SPEAKER_01]: And you really need to be looking at both of them together.

[SPEAKER_01]: So like, for instance, [SPEAKER_01]: the words were, I don't want to be in a relationship with you, but the action was, I'm going to introduce you to my mom.

[SPEAKER_01]: And for her, because the common knowledge was like, look at the actions, that wasn't serving her either, so her stance was like, actually both need to be in alignment.

[SPEAKER_01]: They need to have the words I want to be at a relationship with you and I'm introduced to you to my mom.

[SPEAKER_01]: It can't just be like one or the other or that's you just having like selective hearing of like what you want to hold on to.

[SPEAKER_00]: Hmm, that's a really good way of looking at it.

[SPEAKER_00]: So you have congruence in everything this person is representing in this relationship.

[SPEAKER_00]: Do you think that that our parents generation talked about settling?

[SPEAKER_01]: No.

[SPEAKER_00]: You think they were worried about not at all.

[SPEAKER_01]: Um, I think the standards of a relationship were really different.

[SPEAKER_01]: So I think that's one thing.

[SPEAKER_01]: Like I feel like people didn't expect your partner to like, I don't know, to be your everything and to be your best friend, to be your lover.

[SPEAKER_01]: Like I think our expectations have risen of what we expect.

[SPEAKER_01]: That's one thing.

[SPEAKER_01]: The other thing is everyone was kind of going towards the same goal back then.

[SPEAKER_01]: So you didn't find as much many like situationships or people that were just like stringing you along.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, there just weren't that many options.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, that's a you two of.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, like this one, great.

[SPEAKER_00]: This neighbor, wonderful.

[SPEAKER_01]: You were probably more dating in your same socio-economic social circles as well.

[SPEAKER_01]: So like settling maybe didn't feel as much of a thing.

[SPEAKER_01]: And yeah, I don't know, maybe there wasn't as much, I mean, I guess there was always pressure to settle down.

[SPEAKER_01]: It just feels like dating has become like more sensationalized [SPEAKER_01]: couple decades that just like wasn't there as much.

[SPEAKER_01]: I want to dive into this even more, but before we do, let's take a quick break to hear from our partners.

[SPEAKER_00]: So here's how I think of a main difference.

[SPEAKER_00]: between our parents' generation and our generation.

[SPEAKER_00]: So that relationships and marriage, I guess, was sort of like a socialist ideal.

[SPEAKER_00]: Like everyone's gonna be buried.

[SPEAKER_00]: Everyone's gonna find a partner.

[SPEAKER_00]: You just like expect everyone's gonna be coupled up somehow.

[SPEAKER_00]: But in a capitalist, capitalistic relationship sort of world, the people with resources, [SPEAKER_00]: they have more options.

[SPEAKER_00]: So somehow who you end up with, your partner shows how valuable you are.

[SPEAKER_00]: And there was this line in material.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's not to bring back to the movie again, but, you know, that woman's crying before her wedding.

[SPEAKER_00]: And Dakota Johnson's like, what are you getting out of this relationship?

[SPEAKER_00]: And she's like, he makes me, I don't know, make my sister jealous.

[SPEAKER_00]: But Dakota Johnson's like, oh, he gives you value.

[SPEAKER_00]: And she's like, yes, he gives me value.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I see this with so much of dating.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's who I choose as a my partner is a reflection of how much I'm worth the new validation in it.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I mean, I guess there was always some of that.

[SPEAKER_01]: Like, I feel like trophy wives and like that stuff has been around for a long time.

[SPEAKER_01]: But it does feel like maybe it's, I don't know, maybe it's like everyone.

[SPEAKER_01]: I don't know what the difference is.

[SPEAKER_01]: Because it doesn't feel like it's a totally new concept to be.

[SPEAKER_01]: But it does feel like it hits differently.

[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know if there was much, and maybe because I grew up in China, there was much of this climbing the ladder [SPEAKER_00]: socioeconomic class because there was just no way like there was no opportunity, but now they're all these different ways of climbing the ladder.

[SPEAKER_00]: and somehow who you end up with can determine your lifestyle.

[SPEAKER_01]: I think that was always there in our parents generation.

[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe it's because you're in a social experience.

[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe I was in a communist country.

[SPEAKER_00]: And then I got sort of this video the other day.

[SPEAKER_00]: She asked, what if someone was able to tell how much you love yourself by looking at your partner?

[SPEAKER_01]: That's crazy.

[SPEAKER_00]: Wow.

[SPEAKER_00]: That's a wild question to be asked by looking at them, not even just like how they treat you, but it's just like by looking at your partner.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, there's just so much like validation tied to your partner now.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and people don't care.

[SPEAKER_00]: I guess external people don't care that this person's good for you or good to you.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's more like, do they look like they go together.

[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe some of this is like the age of social media too and just like flonting more because I feel like in our parents generation maybe there was some of that but it was contained to your social circle where now it's like anyone it's public for anyone.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_00]: There's just, it feels like there's just more scarcity in dating.

[SPEAKER_01]: Even those more options.

[SPEAKER_00]: Although there's more options.

[SPEAKER_00]: I feel like my parents were never worried about getting there.

[SPEAKER_00]: They just knew they're going to find a partner.

[SPEAKER_01]: Because that's what people do.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_00]: That's what people do.

[SPEAKER_00]: And there's enough people to go around for everybody to find someone.

[SPEAKER_00]: But these days, it feels scarce.

[SPEAKER_00]: If I find someone that I like, [SPEAKER_01]: That I think that is a big piece of it, the mentality, but like why it doesn't make sense when you think about it.

[SPEAKER_01]: Like it's the exact opposite of how many options we have is tenfold of our parents generation.

[SPEAKER_01]: I think though if you don't want to settle, part of it, like how do you never settle again?

[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, I think a big piece of it is what to settling even mean, because like you were saying that example of, you know, [SPEAKER_01]: How does this person make me look like that is crazy if that's what we're thinking about like when we choose a partner and that's why we equate settling to all these external characteristics where people can view and judge and really the shift is okay I'm settling if I'm being treated poorly if I'm being with someone that doesn't make me happy.

[SPEAKER_01]: If I'm like, you know, pretending to be someone I'm not to like keep this person around.

[SPEAKER_01]: To me, that's really what settling is.

[SPEAKER_01]: So I think one is thinking about the actual definition.

[SPEAKER_01]: Clearly, reference our book, how to be dateable.

[SPEAKER_01]: There's a whole chapter about it.

[SPEAKER_01]: So if you're like, what does this mean?

[SPEAKER_01]: Definitely check it out.

[SPEAKER_01]: But I think that's step one.

[SPEAKER_01]: And then the next piece is when you get clear of like, what it is you will and will not stand for.

[SPEAKER_01]: How do you judge, not baking on someone's potential, but actually looking at those words and actions?

[SPEAKER_01]: And are they congruent?

[SPEAKER_01]: Are they telling the story?

[SPEAKER_01]: Are you getting ahead of yourself, imagining what life could be like with someone?

[SPEAKER_01]: Because I think that's when I've settled in the sense that we're talking about of getting less than I deserve is when I'm like making up this story of who this person is or saying like, well, when works slow down, slow down, [SPEAKER_01]: or like something that's just ridiculous instead of being like, no, who they are today is not giving me time and energy.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_00]: And then start taking yourself off the pedestal, too.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's not about looking down on people and saying, [SPEAKER_00]: working toward something together with this person and determining if this is the person you want to do that with.

[SPEAKER_00]: Right.

[SPEAKER_00]: Settling.

[SPEAKER_00]: Settling is going for someone who doesn't want to do that with you who you have to force to do that with you.

[SPEAKER_00]: That's settled because they're not on this ride with you.

[SPEAKER_00]: But then we kind of like [SPEAKER_00]: I hear so many people say there's so many options out there, how do I know this is the best partner for me?

[SPEAKER_00]: How do I know there's not someone better fitted for me?

[SPEAKER_00]: And we have to remember the new people, like the grass on the other side, is always going to be green at first, but you're going to run into some of the same and maybe new issues.

[SPEAKER_00]: challenges because you're still trying to create a life with a stranger.

[SPEAKER_00]: So don't think about oh, is there someone better out there or better suited out there?

[SPEAKER_00]: If you are with someone that you feel like treats you well, shows up for you in the relationship, how do we expand this relationship so that our needs are met?

[SPEAKER_00]: That's how you expand within, not try to expand without.

[SPEAKER_01]: the reality too is like there could always be someone better for you.

[SPEAKER_01]: But that is like a vicious cycle that is going to keep you on a daily hamster will forever because like when do you stop at that point?

[SPEAKER_01]: Like there could always be someone quote unquote that gets you better.

[SPEAKER_01]: But like the reality is and we I feel like this reminds me of a conversation we did about positive intelligence.

[SPEAKER_01]: back of the day, like a few seasons ago.

[SPEAKER_01]: And we're talking about, like, how, you know, there's these different traits that Jarazas to people.

[SPEAKER_01]: And then the same things ends up annoying the shit out of us and not baking us happy, but the what the takeaway was was.

[SPEAKER_01]: if it's not that with someone else would be something different.

[SPEAKER_01]: Like there's always going to be something and I think it's easy if you're in this mentality of always looking for better that you focus on like what might not be a hundred percent perfect with whoever you're with and then the next person could have that intact but then there's something else and that's just like a cycle that's going to keep you single forever.

[SPEAKER_01]: So at the end of the day a big part of finding love isn't really [SPEAKER_01]: finding the right person, it's creating and building with the right person and making them the right person.

[SPEAKER_01]: So again, we're not telling you to set all of or someone that you're not happy with.

[SPEAKER_01]: We want you to be with someone that you're happy with, that you love spending time with and you're attracted to you and like all the things, it's when we get into like this like laundry list of resume builders, that's when we get it to trouble, because we can't focus on like that stuff, the stuff that actually matters.

[SPEAKER_00]: the newness.

[SPEAKER_00]: Again, I'm just going to go into the newness.

[SPEAKER_00]: This is what that's like the biggest lie in dating is when you meet someone new or when you have a side piece, that person's always going to seem because they're exciting and they're new and maybe your last partner didn't like to travel and you're like, I wish I found a partner who loved to travel [SPEAKER_00]: You start dating someone new and they love to travel.

[SPEAKER_00]: You're like, this person's so much better for me.

[SPEAKER_00]: Then they did you for a month and a half because they love traveling so much and you can't carry out the relationship.

[SPEAKER_00]: That is how it always goes.

[SPEAKER_00]: So the newness of the new person you're dating or a side piece that you have is always going to seem like they're better.

[SPEAKER_00]: But it is alive because you're just opening up another set of challenges with someone new.

[SPEAKER_00]: So if someone's willing, the current person you're dating, is willing to work on the relationship with you, is willing to work on meeting your needs, is willing to talk things out.

[SPEAKER_00]: That is the perfect partner for you to be with.

[SPEAKER_01]: Awesome.

[SPEAKER_01]: Well, I love this conversation.

[SPEAKER_01]: Hopefully this helps people reframe satellite.

[SPEAKER_01]: We also recommend checking out some of the other episodes that we've done on this topic.

[SPEAKER_01]: If you're on Spotify, you can easily search satellite under date.

[UNKNOWN]: Well, [SPEAKER_01]: And they will all come out, but there is an episode the Settling Paradox where we talk about the piece in our book Obviously you go get the book as well and then we had the difference between being picky and having standards I think that also gets to settling a lot also.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and we'll see you all back here next week.

[SPEAKER_00]: Bye [UNKNOWN]: you