[SPEAKER_05]: M-S-W-W-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D-M-D [SPEAKER_00]: Hello, booty gang.

[SPEAKER_00]: Welcome back to another episode of But Honestly.

[SPEAKER_00]: This is your reminder that But Honestly is an 18 and over podcast for adult listeners.

[SPEAKER_00]: On a recent episode of The Pie, during our Open Chat segment, we discussed a message I received off the apps from someone that was fresh out of prison looking for a hookup.

[SPEAKER_00]: And that led us some colorful conversation and more over lots of reactions from all of you.

[SPEAKER_00]: Our listeners.

[SPEAKER_03]: So that leads to this week's episode, we had the opportunity to speak with someone who spent time in both county jail, both a county jail facility, and then after viling his probation was sent to prison.

[SPEAKER_03]: And now has served just time and is back out making a life for himself.

[SPEAKER_03]: We will not be doing our normal but dials and booty calls this episode, but we did get a bunch of questions from the booty gang to present to him.

[SPEAKER_03]: While his experience is may not be typical, he will be talking his own truth.

[SPEAKER_03]: To keep his and an anonymity, we'll be calling him Dayton.

[SPEAKER_03]: Without further ado, let's get into our chat with Dayton.

[SPEAKER_00]: Welcome to the podcast, Dayton.

[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you.

[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for having me.

[SPEAKER_03]: really appreciate you coming on.

[SPEAKER_03]: And so as you may have heard Dr.

Carlton got a proposition via the apps recently, we talked about it here and it led to a lot of fodder and a lot of people have questions about being in the system, some of it really sensational, some of it just, you know, [SPEAKER_03]: How did you find yourself?

[SPEAKER_03]: What happened and how did you find yourself in the prison system?

[SPEAKER_03]: What happened here?

[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah, you could be as vague as you need to be.

[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, just a bad breakup with next, actually, you know, leading up to like, you know, just arguments, you know, and it kind of just forced me into a world of just [SPEAKER_01]: being surrounded from like one man to now surrounded by a bunch of men, right, and that introduction was kind of, it was kind of easy actually because when I got there, a lot of the men in there once they found out that I was gay, it was kind of very like, well, if anyone talks with you, you know, if you let me know.

[SPEAKER_01]: And in my head, I was kind of like thinking like, oh, okay, yeah, I'm not sure what I'm not sure I've expected that.

[SPEAKER_00]: I would have thought you've got more pushback and more like really cool and stuff, but people are like, oh, no, if you just, so that's pretty cool that people were like protective of you already.

[SPEAKER_03]: Was it that way in the county system or was it that way in the actual [SPEAKER_01]: It was consistent, like that for me, the entire way.

[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, wow.

[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.

[SPEAKER_01]: Because of I was up front with a law enforcement from the get go, like I was like, I'm gay.

[SPEAKER_01]: Um, please, like, put me in a housing where I'm going to be safe.

[SPEAKER_01]: So they kind of put you in a housing area with other people like you.

[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, okay.

[SPEAKER_01]: So especially in the county, they kind of, it was like a pod just full of gay people or people who just don't really care for gay or not.

[SPEAKER_01]: Right.

[SPEAKER_01]: And then going to state that the whole another animal because it's more people.

[SPEAKER_01]: But right off the bat, everyone's just like, you know, I don't know how to fight.

[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not a violent person.

[SPEAKER_01]: I don't I've never been in a fight.

[SPEAKER_03]: I'm not getting in wasn't from a violent offense or anything.

[SPEAKER_03]: Was it?

[SPEAKER_03]: Was it drug related?

[SPEAKER_03]: Was it something else?

[SPEAKER_03]: Or what?

[SPEAKER_03]: What is what happened there?

[SPEAKER_01]: It was a drug-induced argument that led to a verbal threat.

[SPEAKER_03]: And so, and then that got you into the county system originally.

[SPEAKER_01]: Correct.

[SPEAKER_03]: Okay, and then so from there, how long were you in the county jail?

[SPEAKER_01]: uh six months.

[SPEAKER_01]: And then I was released.

[SPEAKER_03]: That's a good period of time, though.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, six months, then I was released.

[SPEAKER_01]: And during my release, I reoffended.

[SPEAKER_01]: And that's when I got went went back for prison time, like straight to prison.

[SPEAKER_03]: This is that whole thing when people tell you don't fuck up when you're out and you're on parole and when you are, you know, on probation [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, and I was released out with an ankle monitor and I was kind of funny because while I was on ankle monitor I was like cooking up with some guys and I like do you think they can tell if I would like raise your legs up high Do you think you know like you know my whole year of example if they could tell the elevation tell like I don't know let's give it a try [SPEAKER_00]: So go back a little bit before you got into the county system and you knew you're going to be incarcerated.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_00]: How did you mentally prepare yourself for being incarcerated?

[SPEAKER_00]: What period of time did you have between your sentence and the time you were actually put in in county jail?

[SPEAKER_01]: Um, for me, it was, it was hard.

[SPEAKER_01]: Like my first time, like my first night at cry.

[SPEAKER_01]: Um, and I, a lot of myself to cry because I was placed in the cell by myself, yeah, um, that's the only, that's the only time we're like, you know, I was actually able to like show my emotions was when you're by yourself, like isolated, um, usually because my case with a non violent case, I was, uh, assigned to dorm settings and in dorm settings, it kind of helps you.

[SPEAKER_01]: mentally prepared self because you're around other people so like it's more of a social atmosphere.

[SPEAKER_01]: Sure.

[SPEAKER_01]: Um, and so it was a very daunting, um, and it was very welcoming in, in a sense.

[SPEAKER_01]: So it was, uh, mentally, I was okay.

[SPEAKER_01]: I knew I was going to be okay.

[SPEAKER_00]: So you, you felt safe, you didn't feel threatened.

[SPEAKER_01]: I didn't feel threatened at all.

[SPEAKER_03]: No, did you have to like play on your whole life like did you like how long did you know from sentencing till Actually having to check in to the check in to the jail how long did you have between there because you were gone for six months.

[SPEAKER_03]: So [SPEAKER_01]: All of your things like what yeah, I had to have my best friend go to my apartment and, you know, break my lease and move on my stuff to storage.

[SPEAKER_01]: That was a shit show because the leasing office didn't want to work with my best friend and finally, you know, after about a month of my best friend trying to argue with them.

[SPEAKER_01]: Finally, they were able to work and got all my stuff put in storage, but I wasn't crocheted in that whole time, you know, from from the time of arrest, the time I got sentenced, I was actually incarcerated during that time, you know.

[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, yeah.

[SPEAKER_00]: So you're always in.

[SPEAKER_00]: You're in that's like, send home one bail or anything.

[SPEAKER_00]: No.

[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.

[SPEAKER_00]: All right.

[SPEAKER_00]: So you said that first night was a tough night and then you kind of pulled it together and we're kind of move more over to a dormitory style.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, settings.

[SPEAKER_00]: What's a normal day like?

[SPEAKER_00]: What's an average day like in County jail?

[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, that was a while ago.

[SPEAKER_01]: Your average day like is, uh, so you wake up at 430 in the morning to have the best and they wake everybody up.

[SPEAKER_01]: Um, and then you have like breakfast, you, you know, you're escorted out from your dorm setting into like a day of the area.

[SPEAKER_01]: You get your breakfast and then you go back inside your dorm area and you're like in a door and you're in San Diego County, you're like in a dorm of like maybe like 40 something guys.

[SPEAKER_01]: Um, two three man bunks.

[SPEAKER_01]: Um, and you know, you breakfast and then everyone kind of goes back to bed.

[SPEAKER_01]: And then at the day, kind of starts around like 730.

[SPEAKER_01]: And you know, if you'll hear noises here and there, people walking about and like around like 10 o'clock in the morning, it will kind of like when everybody is waking up.

[SPEAKER_01]: But you're locked in that you're locked in like your pot area.

[SPEAKER_01]: So you don't really get to move.

[SPEAKER_01]: So you know, you have like your group of people over here that play card.

[SPEAKER_01]: Do group over here that kind of just like, uh, [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, they wrap, you know, there's a bunch of artists in the incarcerated, like in the system, you know, you have a lot of tattoo artists.

[SPEAKER_01]: You have a lot of people that know how to draw.

[SPEAKER_01]: You have a lot of people that know how to write songs.

[SPEAKER_01]: So you're, you're immersed by a lot of talent.

[SPEAKER_03]: So it was generally everybody that was in the same pot as you, none of the more violent offenders and that sort of a thing.

[SPEAKER_03]: So you, what was your safety, what was your well-being like it that.

[SPEAKER_01]: Um, the so long person does do a really good job at like placing you with with similar offenses as you.

[SPEAKER_01]: So you know, like if you're a murderer, they're going to put you with.

[SPEAKER_01]: Uh, the murderers, you know, they're going to kind of segregate you for your safety and theirs.

[SPEAKER_01]: But nonviolent people, they kind of tend to put you in a dorm setting.

[SPEAKER_01]: So people around me were like, you know, people that were like, you know, caught pissing in the street or, um, or, you know, [SPEAKER_01]: I guess manslaughter's not violent, but you know, there were some people that were manslaughter or Arson, people that burned things.

[SPEAKER_01]: So just hearing a bunch of everyone's stories and how they got in there, no one really in there was like a serial killer.

[SPEAKER_01]: All right.

[SPEAKER_01]: How they send my door.

[SPEAKER_01]: So I didn't feel like, oh, like, I had to sleep with one eye open type of thing.

[SPEAKER_01]: And if fights did arise, they were very isolated.

[SPEAKER_01]: It's just because, you know, that person pissed off that person.

[SPEAKER_01]: and it wasn't like a whole riot type of environment where it would have been if you were in a higher higher security type of setting.

[SPEAKER_01]: That's when those ones kind of get more riot-esque, it's more political where you, you're on race, you know, if it's someone attack your race, everybody net race goes into fence that person and then it's next, you know, the big group on group type of scenario.

[SPEAKER_01]: I wasn't, I was not exposed to that world at all.

[SPEAKER_00]: How do you make relationships with the pod like that, just by interacting with each other, you know?

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, interacting with each other and everyone's kind of like, because no one wants to offend anybody.

[SPEAKER_01]: So I would really nice to each other.

[SPEAKER_01]: So like, it starts up in a very cold or dual type of manner.

[SPEAKER_01]: Mm-hmm.

[SPEAKER_01]: On the downside though, it's also the relationships and there are very transactional.

[SPEAKER_01]: So like I got support from my family and friends and they're so like I had commissary every single week so I you know I would I would max out on buying you know food for myself and by doing that other people see that and all of a sudden they want to be your friend.

[SPEAKER_01]: So it was very transactional at the same time you know having more people around you kind of also protect you in a way [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_01]: I get it.

[SPEAKER_03]: Where did you see yourself being able to exit the county jail system?

[SPEAKER_03]: So when you're after your six months were up, what is that outclamating back into real life?

[SPEAKER_03]: Thinking that there's, you know, we know now as partiling a story that you ended up violating parole and having to go back in.

[SPEAKER_03]: But when you first get out, what is the, what is the feeling?

[SPEAKER_03]: What is the thought there?

[SPEAKER_01]: I still felt, because I knew I was going to be released with an ankle monitor, so I felt like, you know, I didn't really leave the county jail system.

[SPEAKER_01]: I felt like I was still being monitored.

[SPEAKER_03]: I was, I'm sorry, was the monitor just make sure that you were in the zone that you're supposed to be in or was it also monitoring your alcohol and take and that's what the thing was just the zone I was in, yeah, because it involved my ex they wanted to make sure I was nowhere near.

[SPEAKER_01]: my ex.

[SPEAKER_01]: Um, and, uh, but the day I got released, I checked into probation.

[SPEAKER_01]: And then they gave me like two days before I had to go get fitted for the ankle monitor.

[SPEAKER_01]: So for two days, I actually felt like a free man.

[SPEAKER_01]: Um, you know, I was glad to be out, glad to do whatever I want.

[SPEAKER_01]: And the day when I went to go get fitted for the ankle monitor, I had had another moment where I had to cry.

[SPEAKER_01]: Now I feel anchored down to the ground.

[SPEAKER_01]: I have to walk around in public with this gigantic thing on my ankle.

[SPEAKER_03]: Your brother again.

[SPEAKER_01]: Correct.

[SPEAKER_01]: I was tethered.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_01]: And so, go ahead and talk.

[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, yeah.

[SPEAKER_00]: It was going to say so how long until the what was the period until your broke parole and got put back in?

[SPEAKER_00]: Um, 25 days.

[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.

[SPEAKER_00]: What was that duty you like?

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_01]: So what it was?

[SPEAKER_01]: It was such a stupid thing.

[SPEAKER_01]: I went to the casino and I guess my ex was living near the casino.

[SPEAKER_01]: I didn't know where he had moved to.

[SPEAKER_01]: And so my probation officer had called me and said, oh, we got an application that you were near your victim.

[SPEAKER_01]: So I need you to come in.

[SPEAKER_01]: And that's enough evidence for them to say that I violated the restrained orders that I was near him.

[SPEAKER_01]: and so that's that was my violation to send me back to county jail and they were trying to try to be with a new case and I said no because that's just going to add more time and I was on a suspended sentence already so I said you know just give me what I already signed for and it was a very short turnaround that I'm just sending to prison and how long were you in for that time period a year and eight months is what I did total in prisons that's a long time yeah [SPEAKER_00]: And how was the different from the county jail situation?

[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, so much better.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, really.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, stay is so much better than county.

[SPEAKER_01]: The state, you know, you have more freedom.

[SPEAKER_01]: Um, because it kind of feels like a college campus, uh, you know, you just live wherever you're living and I was in a dorm setting, but like during the day, I could go out and play sports or, you know, go out and enjoy the sun and, you know, you have access to more things like they give us tablets and us to connect to the world and, and it's a, yeah, there's a lot more freedom with state than there is a county.

[SPEAKER_01]: Did you one of the questions that I had was, did you see a lot of contraband in, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, phones and drugs and alcohols, yeah, yeah, that's what I mean by the state you have a lot more freedom like you are like living on a small island that you have access to everything the only thing is you can't leave, right, I know where you were sent where we're like, were you still in the United States in the state or did you?

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, yeah, no, they keep in the same state.

[SPEAKER_01]: ten times more expensive than what it would be.

[SPEAKER_01]: Like an iPhone, you're going to spend about five grand.

[SPEAKER_01]: If you want an iPhone inside the system, well, yeah, like it drugs the same thing times like multiply it in times 10.

[SPEAKER_01]: It's just more expensive in there.

[SPEAKER_01]: And people pay for it, which is ridiculous.

[SPEAKER_03]: Is it coming through like visiting visitors or is it coming through guards or how was it getting to you like how would those the answer to that is yes, everything yeah, yes, there's there's multiple avenues wow yeah there's multiple avenues and the thing though is is like [SPEAKER_01]: They know it's in there and they're not going to stop it because it provides them income for the staff alone.

[SPEAKER_01]: Wow.

[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.

[SPEAKER_01]: It, yeah.

[SPEAKER_01]: Like I said, times 10 for everything.

[SPEAKER_01]: So it's extra money in their pocket.

[SPEAKER_01]: So it's.

[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, supply and demand, right?

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, and it doesn't become a problem until it becomes a problem.

[SPEAKER_01]: And, you know, while it was in there, it did become a problem at a few times.

[SPEAKER_01]: And it kind of like, you know, leveled out and no one brought anything.

[SPEAKER_01]: It was kind of just like empty.

[SPEAKER_01]: Like, like, they know who has a cell phone.

[SPEAKER_01]: Because...

[SPEAKER_01]: They just know there's cameras everywhere.

[SPEAKER_01]: You can't hide anything.

[SPEAKER_01]: And also there's snitches everywhere.

[SPEAKER_01]: You know, someone's gonna talk.

[SPEAKER_01]: You could piss somebody off, someone's gonna rat you out.

[SPEAKER_01]: So they know who, they know who it is, they know who they are.

[SPEAKER_01]: They just don't do anything about it.

[SPEAKER_05]: So, I think Tony, do we need to take a quick break?

[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, we should.

[SPEAKER_03]: Okay, we're gonna take a quick break.

[SPEAKER_03]: We're gonna come back with more of Dayton's experience and we'll get to the sensational stuff shortly.

[SPEAKER_03]: Okay.

[SPEAKER_03]: and we are back.

[SPEAKER_03]: Hello.

[SPEAKER_03]: Okay.

[SPEAKER_03]: So we are right now.

[SPEAKER_03]: We are in the midst of talking to date and about their experiences in the prison system as a cis gay man.

[SPEAKER_03]: And so what you mentioned earlier that everybody that you kind of let everybody know, this is who you are and, you know, you were gay as you went in, is the same kind of thing situation happened when you went into the into the federal [SPEAKER_01]: Yes.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_01]: Same thing.

[SPEAKER_01]: I'm very upfront.

[SPEAKER_01]: Like right when you get to any location law enforcement asks you, you know, um, they ask questions like, you know, are you a by the person to you politics or do you associate with a certain group?

[SPEAKER_01]: Are you a gang member?

[SPEAKER_01]: I was just flat out from the front.

[SPEAKER_01]: I was like, I'm I'm a gay man.

[SPEAKER_01]: And and that was advice that was told to me if this was my first time ever being incarcerated ever being in system and that was just advice that was told to me to like you know if you tell them where you who you are they'll put you with other people like you and so the whole institution that they put me in in state.

[SPEAKER_01]: About 75% of the people there are gay.

[SPEAKER_01]: So really yeah.

[SPEAKER_01]: And I also say that percentage also includes the straight bug gay for the stay, yeah, gay for the stay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, almost, so in the gay community, I think that you kind of know our gay community, so big, but it's also small where you kind of know someone to the first degree, where you know someone that knows someone, but even though this was my very first time ever being frustrated, when I got there, someone knew of me through somebody else.

[SPEAKER_01]: And so by that association, I was already welcomed into that group.

[SPEAKER_01]: And so I was already a part of that group.

[SPEAKER_01]: So even though being gay is not a gang, and it's also like that's your group.

[SPEAKER_01]: And that's the biggest group on the yard is what they call it.

[SPEAKER_01]: And so I was already welcomed.

[SPEAKER_03]: Do you think that's from your experience of where you were or is that something that you think or that you've heard is kind of the same everywhere?

[SPEAKER_01]: That's just where I was specifically.

[SPEAKER_03]: Okay.

[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_03]: So you got the like kind of the luck of the draw, then so to speak that you were able to be amongst family, quote, unquote, you know what I mean, yeah, the other queer people that were in there.

[SPEAKER_06]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_03]: Um, so that's so in what I'm kind of gleaming from a lot of this is that what you're speaking about.

[SPEAKER_03]: is, um, a lot of things that we do sometimes see sensationalized on TV shows and, you know, like, orange is a new black or Oz and these kind of things is that, you know, black people stay with black people, white people, white people, the Latinos are over here, but then you have your gay people that are, you know, one kind of a group, you know, and so that kind of thing actually does happen and it matriculates and you guys kind of, you know, [SPEAKER_01]: Yes.

[SPEAKER_01]: That is very true.

[SPEAKER_01]: It's such an old way of it's such an old system that it's just stained that way for years where it's like, they call it politics, where you know the blacks they would black, the Hispanics they would with Hispanics.

[SPEAKER_01]: And even within the blacks, like they have the blacks who are in gangs and the blacks who are not affiliated.

[SPEAKER_01]: So that even themselves they have like two separate areas, same thing with the Hispanics.

[SPEAKER_01]: You have the Hispanics who are gang members and the Hispanics who are not.

[SPEAKER_01]: And then the other white people, and then you have the others, which are like, you know, Asians, and the middle Eastern, you know, they're called the others.

[SPEAKER_01]: And then you have the gaze, which are kind of like in the middle, which are like the neutral ground.

[SPEAKER_01]: And like sensing the workout areas, like, you know, you have, you're surrounded by all these guys that are just working out every single day.

[SPEAKER_01]: You will never see a black man working out in a white man area.

[SPEAKER_01]: You'll see them talking, like, you know, they'll chip chat in class or in passing.

[SPEAKER_01]: They'll be friends.

[SPEAKER_01]: But when it comes to working out areas, it is so strict.

[SPEAKER_03]: So, um, primarily in like the gym area, that's where that happens.

[SPEAKER_01]: Uh, on the yard, like out in, it's like out in the field outside.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_03]: Okay, but like if you're like eating people mix, and that's what it's like.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_01]: And that's because this is a low level institution.

[SPEAKER_01]: If those are like a level four institution, that would be 100% of the times strictly regularly divided at all times.

[SPEAKER_01]: Even in the living areas, they would separate them by race.

[SPEAKER_03]: So for the year and eight months that you were in this facility, [SPEAKER_03]: Do you have your own bunk?

[SPEAKER_03]: Do you sleep, but do you have a roommate?

[SPEAKER_03]: Do you have a bunch of people in the same room?

[SPEAKER_03]: What is all this said about that?

[SPEAKER_01]: So my institution was, there's several buildings.

[SPEAKER_01]: Some of the buildings are cell living.

[SPEAKER_01]: So there are two people that live per cell.

[SPEAKER_01]: And then there's another buildings where there are dorm settings.

[SPEAKER_01]: I lived in the cell living when I first got there for a few months and then I was moved to the dorm settings.

[SPEAKER_01]: Um, and it's we have 100 bucks.

[SPEAKER_01]: So two people per bunk.

[SPEAKER_01]: So I had to add a very sexy or a bunkie.

[SPEAKER_01]: And I was very lucky for that.

[SPEAKER_03]: He's a ginder.

[SPEAKER_03]: And one big room then so that yeah, one big one big open room.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, it's all open.

[SPEAKER_03]: And then like the, I mean, they take away your freedom, so to speak.

[SPEAKER_03]: And so, and you mentioned that, they wake up at 430 for meals and that sort of thing.

[SPEAKER_03]: So it was your day completely regimented like that, where somebody tells you where you're gonna be at a certain time, and this is the schedule, and so you can only be outside at this time.

[SPEAKER_03]: You can, this is what time dinner is.

[SPEAKER_03]: This, you know, is that all relevant for you?

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, you become very co-dependent to the system where, you know, your meals are settled every single day.

[SPEAKER_01]: You're the time that you can go outside is settled.

[SPEAKER_01]: You can only go in and out of your building at like the top of the hour for like 15 minutes.

[SPEAKER_01]: Everyone has to be back at a certain time for count.

[SPEAKER_01]: Everyone has to be back at a certain time at night time.

[SPEAKER_01]: And it's, you don't have to think.

[SPEAKER_01]: Everything's thought for you.

[SPEAKER_01]: Like, all you have to do is just be there.

[SPEAKER_01]: And then when they shut down program for the day, you're kind of shit.

[SPEAKER_01]: I look.

[SPEAKER_01]: You know, you're forced to be on your bunk.

[SPEAKER_01]: You don't get to go outside because of it.

[SPEAKER_01]: There's a security risk.

[SPEAKER_01]: So they lock everybody down.

[SPEAKER_03]: in this process.

[SPEAKER_03]: You've been in there for a year and in eight months.

[SPEAKER_03]: Was there anything that you actively steps that you were able to take or things that were provided or even mandatory [SPEAKER_03]: led to rehabilitation in some sense like was there some some way of being able to correct behaviors and think about things like is that any of that given to you or is it just you're locked up?

[SPEAKER_03]: This is where you are.

[SPEAKER_03]: You're not leaving.

[SPEAKER_00]: like classes or therapy sessions or yeah.

[SPEAKER_01]: Oh yeah, so I was fortunate enough to go where I was placed at because there's lots of programs and lots of influence from the outside.

[SPEAKER_01]: So I was actually in a class for substance abuse and by me taking that six months class, they were able to knock off two weeks off my sentence.

[SPEAKER_01]: So there's a whole bunch of groups and classes that people can sign up for and take to learn about themselves and they get rewarded by getting time off their sentence.

[SPEAKER_01]: Like you can even go to college.

[SPEAKER_01]: If you get your degree, you get six months taken off your sentence.

[SPEAKER_03]: So there's there's there's there's a lot of rehabilitative whoops that you can There's incentives so to speak then yeah for you to kind of like be on the up and up and get back on track and that's sort of a thing yes and in your experience did you see [SPEAKER_03]: people taking advantage of that or to juice kind of see a lot of sad stories where people are just kind of back in the cycle and that they're not really doing things to help themselves.

[SPEAKER_01]: So one of my biggest frustrations that I noticed was, yeah, people do take advantage of it.

[SPEAKER_01]: And especially, and I think this is this is a bigger poem that needs to be addressed is.

[SPEAKER_01]: You have those for our lifers, you know, who have to go to board before they can even be released out into public, they're the ones occupying all those seats in these groups.

[SPEAKER_01]: So they're not going to be going home anytime soon, but yet they don't want to give up their seat in that class.

[SPEAKER_01]: So they're racking up all these incentive reward, you know, to get time off their sentence, but it doesn't nothings for them because they're not going to get released.

[SPEAKER_01]: They're considered lifers.

[SPEAKER_01]: They still have to go to board, they still have to get approved to get released.

[SPEAKER_01]: But people like me who have who are serving a short time [SPEAKER_01]: short term, I could benefit from those classes, and still, because I'm going to be getting released out to public soon, so I could benefit from those classes, and so the waitlist to get enrolled into these groups was, like, it was so long and it was annoying.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, it was very frustrating that would be frustrating for sure.

[SPEAKER_03]: Because they only allow so many people.

[SPEAKER_03]: So it's daily like so that you have to wait and you want to do better for yourself, but then they're not giving you the opportunity until a spot opens up.

[SPEAKER_01]: Because all these people that have seniority or lifers that have been there for a long time are enrolled in those classes and they just keep reenrolling them because they've been there for so long.

[SPEAKER_01]: And it's very frustrating.

[SPEAKER_01]: It's a it's a stupid system.

[SPEAKER_00]: Well, I'm kind of to move on a little bit.

[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for all that information.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's amazing.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's kind of really cool to hear the inside about what it's like to be in there.

[SPEAKER_00]: And the things you went through on a day-to-day basis, obviously our podcast, the big part of our podcast is about sex.

[SPEAKER_00]: And a lot of us have prison sex fantasies.

[SPEAKER_00]: So let's talk about the sexual aspect of things if you don't mind.

[SPEAKER_00]: OK.

[SPEAKER_00]: So who's having sex and how do you make it happen?

[SPEAKER_01]: It's happening around you, but no one's talking about it, and it's all hidden behind cell locked doors.

[SPEAKER_01]: And when I first got there, my fantasy was, you know, I just want to have like, you know, have you ever seen American history X where he's having a prison shower scene where he's getting raped?

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, um, that was my fantasy.

[SPEAKER_01]: I wanted that to happen to me.

[SPEAKER_01]: I like, you know, I would because the the showers at this institution are open showers.

[SPEAKER_01]: So like you have like 20 man shower heads, you know, like all on a wall.

[SPEAKER_01]: So everyone's like fully naked, um, and, you know, [SPEAKER_00]: I that was my prison sourcing that never unfortunately never came true, um, but the people I mean like even like if the gym people like are jerking off in the showers or something Did you even see that it was was that even happening that is not allowed that's not allowed Okay, that is considered so one of the worst crimes you can have [SPEAKER_01]: is a sexual crime.

[SPEAKER_01]: And so that is considered a sexual crime and that can you actually get killed.

[SPEAKER_01]: Wow.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, if you are, if they find out that you are a sexual, like if you are in there for any sexual related crime, you get murdered inside this inside the system.

[SPEAKER_01]: So anything of that nature, [SPEAKER_01]: And Ray Ray sexual assault or something like that.

[SPEAKER_01]: We'll salt.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, and a few of those and anything of that if they find out you that is your charge is that is your death sentence you'd like you will you will get So and that does happen on our guards watching you guys shower so they have so there's no so there is nobody so that's like one of it's a very vulnerable place to be then yes it is But because it's so [SPEAKER_01]: People know people have sex so you have it in your own privacy of your own cell.

[SPEAKER_01]: It doesn't happen where everyone can see it.

[SPEAKER_00]: So it's usually like in a closed setting.

[SPEAKER_00]: So there's not like a group activity going on.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's usually one.

[SPEAKER_01]: I have been I was involved in groups.

[SPEAKER_01]: Where, you know, you're.

[SPEAKER_01]: your cell is probably like a size of like a, so a twin bed may, so you can touch both walls, like if you were to separate hand, you can touch both walls.

[SPEAKER_01]: So that's how, that's how, that's the width is and the length is probably like about the length of a twin bed and then you add a toilet at the end.

[SPEAKER_01]: So it's very timing.

[SPEAKER_01]: It's very tiny.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, and then when you have like eight guys in there going at it it gets really hot and see me in there And so I remember I walked by someone's cell and I had just actually just finished showing I walked by and I was just gonna go over there and and and get high But I walked in there and they just pulled me in and I was like what the book's going on all the lights were off and there was like people blowing over here in this corner Someone was fucking over here in this bed.

[SPEAKER_01]: I was like oh shit.

[SPEAKER_01]: This is a full-on order.

[SPEAKER_01]: All right.

[SPEAKER_01]: Let's go for it [SPEAKER_03]: And how do they get away with that if you guys are, you know, in the lockup, like, how do you, somebody on watch, is there like, how do you make sure that nobody gets caught?

[SPEAKER_01]: So the officers walk.

[SPEAKER_01]: at the beginning of their shift.

[SPEAKER_01]: That's the only time that they're gonna walk around.

[SPEAKER_01]: And so, it wasn't during that time.

[SPEAKER_01]: And in that section, because everyone knows everyone knows what's going on.

[SPEAKER_01]: So if...

[SPEAKER_01]: your neighbors weren't comfortable with you living there.

[SPEAKER_01]: They would have said something a long time ago.

[SPEAKER_01]: So the neighborhood there already kind of know what's going on.

[SPEAKER_01]: So it's and where it's also located.

[SPEAKER_01]: It's so located far away from where the officers are.

[SPEAKER_01]: So it just takes a long time.

[SPEAKER_01]: And there's like this like secret code where like when the when there's officers walking around, you hear a very loud whistle.

[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, so yeah, so you do kind of you do have kind of like a wingman in a sense.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah, you'll hear a loud whistle and whenever there's officers walking in this eight in this like a person orgy that you're in is it like all gay guys or is it like a mix of gay guys and get gay for stay guys and straight guys, you know, [SPEAKER_01]: I would say maybe there was like three three gay guys in there in my story that we're just straight for the stay I'm going to get for the stay, okay Which I'm okay without because I tend to have a better spurs rate guys anyway [SPEAKER_03]: Um, and they're just, and they're just there to get their rocks off at the point, you know, me and like, they're not really looking for, you know, emotional connection with another dude or anything like that.

[SPEAKER_03]: Correct.

[SPEAKER_03]: Do you see a little bit of that, though, like, did you see anybody getting emotionally connected?

[SPEAKER_03]: Did you know if anybody dating in?

[SPEAKER_01]: There are people that aren't relationships and they're nothing but toxic in there.

[SPEAKER_01]: Because of the closed community, you know, you don't really have exposure to the outside world.

[SPEAKER_01]: So, you know, it becomes very toxic where all you do is see each other every single day.

[SPEAKER_01]: You know, you're a lot.

[SPEAKER_01]: And it's a lot.

[SPEAKER_01]: like you you can't even go be with your friends because it's such a close you're in a gated community where and it's only so far you can go you can't really be yourself so you're always around each other every single time so it gets very toxic and all they do is fight and then they make out and it's it's it's very interesting to see and imagine those relationships are like [SPEAKER_03]: Were you looking at him?

[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.

[SPEAKER_00]: Were you in the shower with so-and-so today?

[SPEAKER_00]: What was that about?

[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_01]: It gets very, yeah.

[SPEAKER_01]: They get very jealous very fast and a lot of fights.

[SPEAKER_01]: And then you get those were like, oh, was he hanging out with you?

[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, I'm not going to get involved.

[SPEAKER_03]: It's like in your experience, did you see any of like guards or anything messing around with some of the dudes?

[SPEAKER_03]: Because if you're like if you're in a gay block, I'm guilty of that.

[SPEAKER_01]: I'm guilty of that.

[SPEAKER_03]: Oh, tell us that story.

[SPEAKER_03]: Tell us that story.

[SPEAKER_01]: That's a story.

[SPEAKER_01]: So lock up at nighttime, happens at 830.

[SPEAKER_01]: So 830 everyone has to be back inside or so.

[SPEAKER_01]: This was when I was still in cell living.

[SPEAKER_01]: And then they walk, they do that count time at 930.

[SPEAKER_01]: So everyone's locked in their cell, no one can get out.

[SPEAKER_01]: And this particular officer I've been flirting with, you know, for like a few weeks.

[SPEAKER_01]: And [SPEAKER_01]: and he was working night shift and like around like 11 o'clock his shirt night he like just I was still awake and everyone else was already kind of like a sleep because they're going to fall asleep early and he just walks by and he's just talking and uh he stops by myself and now I'm just like flirting with him and I was like oh so how how often do you work next time he goes oh I just did it I just did a uh shift change for the night I was like oh well all right well I'm going to be awake all night he goes oh good to know [SPEAKER_01]: It's like leaves, walks, and then next he knocked here, my cell door unlock, I'm like, okay, and then he comes back and he comes to him from my cell opens door.

[SPEAKER_01]: He goes follow me, we walk, so they have their own little bathroom area like in the back corner and he like escorts me in there and he goes, so what do you want to do?

[SPEAKER_01]: And I was like, [SPEAKER_01]: I kind of want to suck your dick.

[SPEAKER_01]: He goes, all right, let's do it.

[SPEAKER_01]: He takes off his keys.

[SPEAKER_01]: That way, you know, to they jingle.

[SPEAKER_01]: So he takes off his keys, sets it on the counter.

[SPEAKER_01]: And it was like a whip set out.

[SPEAKER_01]: And I just go on my knee that I just go, I just start sucking his dick like in the like guard bathroom area.

[SPEAKER_01]: And when we exit, it was very quick.

[SPEAKER_01]: Like almost like the quickest blow-dough I've ever had when we exit he made me walk the opposite way and he walks this way So that way if other inmates had seen they wouldn't see us walking or him escorting me So that was the first time the second time It was like around like three o'clock in the morning.

[SPEAKER_01]: This was like a few weeks later and Those were the only two times where I actually got to suck his dick on tearing his shit [SPEAKER_00]: That's cool.

[SPEAKER_00]: Do you have any idea if he was gay or if he was just like curious or what is deal was?

[SPEAKER_01]: I think he was gay, but yeah, yeah, I mean he had to have been.

[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, weird and also just kind of like a little bit of a prickly kind of a question there though, is that.

[SPEAKER_03]: if you weren't necessarily into it, you know what I mean?

[SPEAKER_03]: Like, because this fulfilled a little bit of a fantasy and it gave you some distraction from the situation that you were in, can that same situation kind of been a little bit more forced by the guard?

[SPEAKER_03]: I mean, like, cause then you're kind of just, [SPEAKER_03]: if you say no, then do you feel like, oh fuck, you know what I mean?

[SPEAKER_03]: Like now, I can, you know, be, be looked at differently by this guard or this guard will all of a sudden not be cool with me.

[SPEAKER_03]: You know, we've got a kind of turn on you.

[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, it will turn on you.

[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_01]: I knew by him instigating it with me.

[SPEAKER_01]: I knew I would have them both all, literally.

[SPEAKER_01]: I knew if I wanted to do something, I knew I would be able to get away with it and he would have my back and he would cover me up.

[SPEAKER_01]: So in a way, I kind of did it for that sense.

[SPEAKER_03]: And everything's in exchange.

[SPEAKER_03]: Everything is in exchange of like, if it's not exchange of power, things change of goods, it's an exchange of some sort of, [SPEAKER_01]: It's an exchange of protection, you know, like I know I could walk somewhere and I'm not going to get in trouble.

[SPEAKER_01]: Sure.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_00]: And one of the things, you know, obviously, you know, you were in a group with like a guys and you, you know, had some moral encounters with this, this guy.

[SPEAKER_00]: how do people protect themselves if at all from STI's in prison?

[SPEAKER_00]: Do, I mean, I would imagine prep isn't something that's prescribed.

[SPEAKER_01]: It is.

[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, that's good.

[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, that's good.

[SPEAKER_01]: I remember how I said how I was in an institution where majority of them are gay.

[SPEAKER_01]: So you, but they have a lot of HIV specialists.

[SPEAKER_01]: They have a lot of doctors for gay sex.

[SPEAKER_01]: That's right.

[SPEAKER_01]: I was prescribed, doxy peps.

[SPEAKER_01]: Sam.

[SPEAKER_01]: That's amazing.

[SPEAKER_01]: They have condoms like at the mentions of like most buildings.

[SPEAKER_03]: Um, you know, so they know it's going to be happening even though they don't condone it.

[SPEAKER_01]: Correct.

[SPEAKER_01]: There's the model that they say is no means no and yes is not allowed.

[SPEAKER_06]: Okay.

[SPEAKER_01]: That's literally what they put on a little little sticker where they go.

[SPEAKER_01]: No means no and yes is not allowed.

[SPEAKER_01]: But it still happens and so they can't stop us so what they can do is you know, they provide condoms and you know, they do prescribe people with prep and those who are HIV positive, you know, they do monitor all those things and [SPEAKER_01]: One thing that I did like about that group that I was in was everyone in there.

[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, you're in a gated community.

[SPEAKER_01]: So if someone contracts something, it's very easy to tell who you got it from.

[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, yeah.

[SPEAKER_01]: It's like, and so everyone there's a very transparent with each other.

[SPEAKER_01]: Like, that's when they get tested, they're like, oh, yeah, look at my test results.

[SPEAKER_01]: I just like, you know, they'll show it on a piece of paper and they're like, okay, cool.

[SPEAKER_01]: And so everyone in there's very transparent.

[SPEAKER_03]: Where people that were HIV positive, you know, and people who are HIV-negative, are they in the same spaces?

[SPEAKER_03]: Yes.

[SPEAKER_03]: Okay, so they're not separate everybody out like they used to.

[SPEAKER_03]: No.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, I'm glad the science has come along that way with you equals you and everything, so that's good.

[SPEAKER_03]: Absolutely.

[SPEAKER_03]: So, okay, I know we are limited on time today with you.

[SPEAKER_03]: So we do have some like some different things here.

[SPEAKER_03]: So let's go do a couple of these lists in our questions.

[SPEAKER_03]: Dr.

Carlton.

[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, we'll talk a little bit about just getting out and then and yeah, if we get it to our other thing.

[SPEAKER_03]: So one of the major things that I think a lot of people asked and Dr.

Carlton was asking is, how do you prepare for anal sex?

[SPEAKER_03]: Is there a such thing as dooshing and present like what happens there?

[SPEAKER_01]: So yes, that you people do it religiously.

[SPEAKER_01]: Wow, yeah, because in your cell living, you have your own bathroom.

[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.

[SPEAKER_01]: So your little sink.

[SPEAKER_01]: So people will attach like little little tiny hose and like you know your sink is attached to your to your toilet.

[SPEAKER_01]: So you don't have to travel far.

[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, yeah.

[SPEAKER_01]: That's good.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_01]: So yeah, people that people religiously do shit there is not a messy situation at all whatsoever.

[SPEAKER_03]: Wow, you know plus you guys are eating the same kind of food every single day.

[SPEAKER_03]: So it's not like your.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, so your diet everyone's diet is like same the same.

[SPEAKER_01]: Everyone's like, you know bowel movements are around the same.

[SPEAKER_03]: And then for the STI testing was it something that was based on I think I need to be tested or where you guys regularly tested.

[SPEAKER_01]: Um, when you first get admitted, everyone is tested for everything.

[SPEAKER_06]: Oh, yeah.

[SPEAKER_01]: Like they, they, they pull so much blood work from you.

[SPEAKER_01]: So you get tested for everything and you get treated for everything.

[SPEAKER_01]: If you have anything.

[SPEAKER_01]: Um, and so everyone's kind of clean at that point.

[SPEAKER_01]: Um, and very, it's like the COVID bubbles, you know what I mean?

[SPEAKER_03]: Like it's just like it's like you're living in your own like little pod of people and hopefully nobody except for you or the one who are stepping out on that pod with the, uh, with the great yard.

[SPEAKER_01]: That's the only time we get sick.

[SPEAKER_01]: is through the gardens.

[SPEAKER_01]: I was gonna say, yeah.

[SPEAKER_01]: Like, it's through the gardens or the freestyle.

[SPEAKER_01]: That's the only time we get sick.

[SPEAKER_01]: Like, everyone's completely fine.

[SPEAKER_01]: Everyone's like, you know, healthy as a horse.

[SPEAKER_01]: Next you know, now we have a flu.

[SPEAKER_01]: And we're like, what the fuck were the hell are we getting the flu from?

[SPEAKER_01]: We're not leaving anywhere.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, it's being brought to you.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_03]: That's the thing, is that it's just like who was making out with that guard with that sea of gold on the other day.

[SPEAKER_00]: Motherfucker.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_00]: Okay.

[SPEAKER_03]: And in that realm, it's prison like that TV show eyes somebody asked regarding sex they mean.

[SPEAKER_03]: I've never seen us because I've been incarcerated.

[SPEAKER_03]: So I don't know.

[SPEAKER_03]: And you're probably too triggering.

[SPEAKER_03]: So I don't want to be like, oh, watch it now because the thing is is that it might not be like, it might not keep you in the great head.

[SPEAKER_00]: It shows like, 2020, 25 years old, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, yeah.

[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, then I don't know.

[SPEAKER_00]: That's probably why you don't know it.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_03]: It's an old TV show with like, you know, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, we mentioned them here and I get tons of DMs about them.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's where a lot of, a lot of our prison fantasies come from.

[SPEAKER_00]: That in porn.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, um, so you mentioned there are some guards at flirt and some that are gay Are they're probably not that open about it, but they're at least flirting back a leap with you So where I was located.

[SPEAKER_01]: It's almost like gay Mecca, so Very open because majority of the population there is gay So I think majority of the population of the staff is also gay.

[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, so it just creates a whole friendly atmosphere [SPEAKER_05]: Okay, yeah, somebody wants to know, what was your craziest sex experience in prison?

[SPEAKER_01]: I don't know if it's crazy.

[SPEAKER_01]: Like, I've done a lot.

[SPEAKER_01]: So for me, crazy is not, um, uh, I have a question here.

[SPEAKER_03]: Is you just spit?

[SPEAKER_03]: Yes.

[SPEAKER_03]: Oh, it's just spit.

[SPEAKER_03]: So you're really making sure that you're as wet as possible and you're out.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_01]: And [SPEAKER_01]: Yes, Lou, Lou, we don't have access to Lou.

[SPEAKER_03]: Right.

[SPEAKER_03]: Another question, craziest shower experience.

[SPEAKER_03]: Some people had sex on their mind.

[SPEAKER_03]: That was all that they were asking about.

[SPEAKER_00]: So, like you said, shower was off limits.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, but I was, I were prescription glasses.

[SPEAKER_01]: So, I'm blind as a bat without them.

[SPEAKER_01]: And I would purposely kind of like, you know, I would start getting hard.

[SPEAKER_01]: When I would notice all these like hung guys just taking showers and I don't want them to see me getting hard because I don't want them to get, you know, feel uncomfortable or look at me in a funny way.

[SPEAKER_01]: So I would immediately take my glasses off shower really quickly and intentionally.

[SPEAKER_01]: Hurry up to go get my towel.

[SPEAKER_01]: So I would put my glasses back on and just look back at them all sharing.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I would purposely just like towel dry super fast just so that we could go put my glasses back on and like like look like I'd be toweling facing them.

[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like okay cool, this is nice.

[SPEAKER_01]: I like this visual.

[SPEAKER_05]: Right.

[SPEAKER_03]: So another one that we have here, and this is a very, so there's some problematic questions that we got asked because I think a lot of people do, there is a major sexual fantasy regarding being a prisoner and that sort of thing we've talked about here.

[SPEAKER_03]: There's even a party up in San Francisco called Interrogation, which is based on people or correctional officers, people or inmates and then back and forth.

[SPEAKER_03]: And so one of the questions that we got is that if if you got sexually used slash abuse was it actually kind of hot knowing that's a fantasy.

[SPEAKER_03]: This is a very, very problematic question.

[SPEAKER_01]: So I always said, you know, if I was going to be raped.

[SPEAKER_01]: I would pretend to cry just so that we'd to give them a set of section, because I don't mind being raped, like I like, you know, being put in that sense, especially by like, either officers or other inmates, as long as they're attractive.

[SPEAKER_03]: you're willing to give up your power in that sense.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yes, but also because I was also forced I was putting a place where I was powerless.

[SPEAKER_01]: So mentally I was already in that headspace so being powerless where I don't have power of my life or I don't have control of my life.

[SPEAKER_01]: So I was already mentally laced there.

[SPEAKER_01]: So I was okay.

[SPEAKER_01]: I was okay with that fact.

[SPEAKER_03]: Right.

[SPEAKER_03]: That's really [SPEAKER_03]: kind of a fascinating thought to have, like here, because I think that's the thing is that a lot of people here that have submitted these questions and whatnot to us, that their fantasy is to have their power taken away.

[SPEAKER_03]: And I think there's also the DOM subrelationships that we see that you know what I mean, that a sub wants somebody to take care of them and tell them what to do and those sorts of things.

[SPEAKER_03]: And now you're already being placed in that situation where [SPEAKER_03]: you don't have power.

[SPEAKER_03]: You are living according to a schedule that's not yours.

[SPEAKER_03]: And so you're just basically, and like it seems like in a headspace of like if it's going to happen, now it's going to happen.

[SPEAKER_01]: And right now when I just said that, [SPEAKER_01]: I just realized that for myself, like I thought I was saying that I was just coming to terms of that that's probably why I was okay with it because I wasn't in the place where I was completely powerless beforehand, I've always had a fantasy of that, but now that I was in a situation where it was kind of forced, it was kind of hot, you know?

[SPEAKER_00]: Well, also it's kind of like you put your mindset into the aspect of it being role play rather than assault.

[SPEAKER_03]: Correct.

[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, it's also probably a little bit of survival too that it's just your survival instinct is just kind of be like, okay, this is probably going to happen.

[SPEAKER_03]: This might happen.

[SPEAKER_03]: I'm just going to give in to it and then make in the then it's over with and then it doesn't happen and then it's on happening, you know, yeah.

[SPEAKER_03]: So, we really appreciate you giving us like this much-handed conversation in that.

[SPEAKER_03]: And so, because some of these questions that we have, and I think you've answered a lot of this stuff, just via our conversation that we were having here, I'm trying to think here.

[SPEAKER_03]: So, yeah, just, and somebody even asked the question, what does this panel say about the guilt and shame for those who have this cake?

[SPEAKER_03]: And so, that's a question maybe to put forward to you as somebody who has been in the system, [SPEAKER_03]: How do you feel when other people have a kink towards being restrained or, you know, to mean giving up power and that sort of thing?

[SPEAKER_03]: Is this something that you can still appreciate or is it triggering to you?

[SPEAKER_03]: What is what is that?

[SPEAKER_01]: So, um, do you have my incarceration?

[SPEAKER_01]: I actually got, uh, that too is where I got prison bars on my wrists.

[SPEAKER_01]: Um, because I actually want to get the matching ones on my ankles, because I want them to be, you know, indicators of where you're going to time me out that.

[SPEAKER_01]: Um, okay.

[SPEAKER_01]: So I'm okay with that.

[SPEAKER_01]: It's not triggering for me.

[SPEAKER_01]: Um, you know, it was a chapter of my life, and I won't forget it.

[SPEAKER_01]: But moving forward, it is something where, you know, I did get the tattoos.

[SPEAKER_00]: I think we just have a couple more minutes.

[SPEAKER_00]: So I was gonna kind of get to the point to the part where you got out.

[SPEAKER_00]: Like, how did it, what was the feeling like when you were, and when you knew you're gonna leave the next day and then when you were out the following day?

[SPEAKER_00]: Was it like relief?

[SPEAKER_00]: Was it joy?

[SPEAKER_00]: Was it kind of like I'm gonna miss these guys?

[SPEAKER_00]: All the above?

[SPEAKER_01]: So the week leading up to my release, I noticed my libido was increasing, like more and more and more and more.

[SPEAKER_01]: Because I knew I was going to be getting released and I know it's going to be able to actually have sex on my terms and you know, and when I wanted to, and then yeah, I was going to miss a few of those guys, I still keep in contact with a few of them, you know, because you do build relationships with these people, you know, they become your friends, you know, no one else is kind of kind of understanding on that level because they you've been with them, like, you know, you you you spent so much time with these guys.

[SPEAKER_01]: then being out now, I'm kind of just noticing I have a lot of free time right now.

[SPEAKER_01]: And because I've been so co-dependent in that system for that short amount of time, I'm noticing the other day, I was like, it was eight o'clock in the night and I was pissed off the fuck off.

[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm like, I'm fucking hungry.

[SPEAKER_01]: Why am I hungry?

[SPEAKER_01]: And I noticed I was waiting around for someone to say, hey, it's dinner time.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, and I was like, oh, shit, you have to take care of yourself now.

[SPEAKER_03]: So, I mean, that has to be a mind-fuck, too, is just getting out and then all of a sudden, your regiment that you've been living under for over a year is now taken away from you.

[SPEAKER_03]: And like, do you see that, um, [SPEAKER_03]: How have you been able to give yourself the tools in the grace to be out now?

[SPEAKER_03]: And how do you go about your daily habits now?

[SPEAKER_01]: It's been little by little.

[SPEAKER_01]: Take literally taking it step by step where I first thought that was gonna be extremely overwhelming but I knew I was gonna be able to handle it.

[SPEAKER_01]: And now being out, it's completely a whole clean slate, you know, you know, I now get to that who wish friend I want moving forward.

[SPEAKER_01]: I get to pick what city I want to live in.

[SPEAKER_01]: And, you know, [SPEAKER_01]: Being so far away from where I used to live kind of also helps, um, you know, I definitely, I feel if I would have been introduced back into where I did used to live, if I would have been more chaotic for me being surrounded by everyone else that I already knew prior.

[SPEAKER_01]: But now because I'm kind of like a little further away, I have the time for myself to slowly introduce myself back into life.

[SPEAKER_03]: And on your own terms, like you keep saying here is that it's just, I think that's something that you've, it seems like you've learned is that you don't want to go back because you don't want to live by anybody else's terms out of this point is that right for you to say yep.

[SPEAKER_00]: And just kind of one of the last questions, what being someone who's survived this process and who's gone through it, and there are a lot of us who haven't.

[SPEAKER_00]: What's the number one thing that you would want the outside world to know and understand about people who've gone through what you've gone through?

[SPEAKER_01]: Everyone is like, you know, now I'm considered now I'm put in this general pool of being a convict or being a criminal, and you know, it's I didn't kill anybody.

[SPEAKER_01]: I'm not a serial killer.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_01]: I'm now generalized as a part of that.

[SPEAKER_01]: And I guess moving forward, I just want people to understand like, [SPEAKER_01]: have those conversations with people, you know, that's all anyone deserves.

[SPEAKER_01]: It's just to have a conversation.

[SPEAKER_01]: Don't judge them.

[SPEAKER_01]: I'll based off of what you think someone did.

[SPEAKER_01]: Just have a conversation with somebody like for me.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I'm already out here.

[SPEAKER_01]: I already did my time.

[SPEAKER_01]: If you know, if I didn't deserve to be out here, I would still been inside.

[SPEAKER_00]: Right.

[SPEAKER_00]: totally understandable.

[SPEAKER_00]: So you paid your debt to society and you got out.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_03]: Okay.

[SPEAKER_03]: This is where we're going to be wrapping ourselves up.

[SPEAKER_03]: We really appreciate the time that you gave us today, Dayton.

[SPEAKER_03]: This has been very eye-opening and we appreciate your candidness and answering these questions and just the things that you came forward with.

[SPEAKER_03]: But [SPEAKER_03]: As we leave, we like to leave every week with and leave everybody with a little bit of fluff and love stuff.

[SPEAKER_03]: So this is that we're talking about our love languages, not just the five love languages, acts of service quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch and receiving gifts, but anything that made you feel good tingle this week, this month, this moment.

[SPEAKER_03]: So what is your love language?

[SPEAKER_01]: My love language is food.

[SPEAKER_01]: Now that I have access to real food.

[SPEAKER_00]: I feel you know what, what did you go for first when you got out?

[SPEAKER_01]: I went to Denies for breakfast, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no [SPEAKER_00]: I've been rewatching Game of Thrones from the beginning because I miss how awesome that show was and that's a sign of depression.

[SPEAKER_00]: No, I'm just joking.

[SPEAKER_00]: It kind of is because the first season is pretty fucking depressing.

[SPEAKER_00]: if there's season isn't seen.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah, yeah, they just when you really pull your heart out.

[SPEAKER_00]: But yeah, that's what that's what I've been enjoying this week.

[SPEAKER_00]: How about you, Danielo?

[SPEAKER_03]: Okay, my cheesiest thing.

[SPEAKER_03]: You guys the gap commercial with Katzai with Milk Shake by Collice.

[SPEAKER_03]: it is everything.

[SPEAKER_03]: The gap is doing those commercials where they put a bunch of people in a room and they make them dance and it is wonderful, it is so cute, it's sexy, it's fun, and it's kind of the antithesis of the Sidney Sweeney, American Eagle that they have, you know, Katzai, which is a group made up of all these different, you know, women of different races and whatnot.

[SPEAKER_03]: But I'm loving it, and everybody's like the police is back and moving, the lexicon of [SPEAKER_00]: Right, and everybody's, everybody's doing the choreography now at home, too.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, too.

[SPEAKER_03]: You know what I'm supposed to do in that choreography.

[SPEAKER_03]: We need to do what's put on this way.

[SPEAKER_03]: So thank you so much, Dayton, for giving us this time.

[SPEAKER_03]: I know that you have to run, but we really appreciate this.

[SPEAKER_03]: And everybody who's listening right now, just if you guys have any other questions, maybe we can bring date and back, and we can do a little bit of a follow up if we have any more questions that are out there.

[SPEAKER_03]: And we just also want to check in with you and make sure that everything is going really well for you.

[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, we wish the best for sure, and then yeah, that this is like it seems like you were just ready to like go out there and live life again on your own terms and And we want to see you, you know, really flourish, and so thank you so much for coming to talk.

[SPEAKER_01]: Well, thank you for having me and I definitely do, I want to mind coming back.

[SPEAKER_01]: I have a lot of stories to share.

[SPEAKER_03]: We'll think about them, right?

[SPEAKER_01]: That sounds good.

[SPEAKER_03]: You will check in with you in a couple months.

[SPEAKER_01]: Well, we'll do.

[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you very much.

[SPEAKER_03]: Thanks so much for tuning in to Bud Honestly, but I'll or email us at BudHonicypottageemell.com or booty call us.

[SPEAKER_03]: We have a phone 9 set up where you guys can leave a message at 6-1-B-U-T-T-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E