Hi everyone, and welcome back to the podcast episode.

My name is Alicia Gogin, the host of the Globe Secrets podcast, where I help you expand your mind and become more self awares that you can glow up into the best version of yourself.

Hello and Happy Sunday.

We're in October, are we?

When am I recording this?

Yes, we are in October.

Happy October.

I am so here for the Fall.

I am getting into like the fall vibes.

In terms of the shirt, if you're watching on the pod, I got my French tips a red wine color, and we got the hair in Honestly, we have the Haron because we're going out finally for my best friend Joey Yang's birthday, in which her birthday was the beginning of September, and we're going out now, which is totally fine.

We have to still celebrate.

But before I go out, we need to talk.

We are back with.

Another episode on relationships.

I want to talk about ten hard truths about healthy relationships that will help you grow.

Essentially, I want to have a discussion on what it really looks like and what a healthy relationship and secure love really takes.

And this is just coming from my experience.

I'm turning thirty at the end of this year, so I've had my fair share of dating.

I've had my fair share of working on myself and my relational patterns, and I've also had a fair share with learning and educating myself on what a healthy, secure relationship really takes, what it looks like, what it's not, and what it is.

So this is really just coming from my experience.

Okay, guys, I'm not even saying that I know it all, absolutely not, But I just really feel that there is too much of this black and white thinking on the internet when it comes to relationships, and so I just want to contribute to the conversation on relationships in a hopefully healthier way.

I find it very interesting.

That a lot of the conversations that are being had about relationships or the people who are talking about relationships either realistic, have not done the work on themselves.

They have been chronically single.

Which, listen, it is totally fine if you are chronically single.

It does not mean that you don't know how to have relationships.

But I'm just saying a lot of the times, the criticisms that you see online when it comes to people talking about their relationships are usually from people who are just chronically single and don't even know what it takes to be in a relationship.

And or we just come from a generation and I'm putting up my hand here, guys.

Where we don't even know really what it.

Looks like to have secure, healthy love because we haven't even had it represented, whether it's online or even offline in our own lives.

I think in this day and age, there's a lot of conversations about what can this guy do for me?

Or what does this girl bring to the table, And I really think that these conversations, for the most part, are just missing the mark.

Now, I want to share one TikTok video that I saw that really just like it made me laugh.

She is a little bit harsh, okay, but I do think overall her message is what I am trying to say as well.

So I want to quickly play it and then we'll get into all the things that I want to share with you guys today.

The reason why you don't hear about healthy relationships anymore is because of the fact that those of us in healthy relationships ain't god shit to say to y'all, because anytime we tell you what we do for our husband, or what our husband does for us.

Y'all look for any reason to try to come up with some type of excuse or some type of narrative that we're being controlled, or that we're not really happy, or I would never do that.

It's exactly why your miserable ass is still singling, exactly why no matter who you try to date or what you try to date, you still end up unhappy because you have this long list of what you feel like it is supposed to come from a relationship, yet you don't want to be able to like.

You just want to be on the receiving end.

Relationships are given.

Take.

I can't remember the last time that I did laundry, but I will be out here taking the trashop because I don't give a fuck.

I would rather take the trashop than to be downstairs doing laundry.

I don't want to.

I don't like laundry.

But if I tell y'all, oh, y'all, I take the trash what you take the trash out?

You're a woman.

You shouldn't be taking out the trash.

That's a man's job.

Your man does the laundry.

You should be doing that you're the woman.

Like when it comes to a healthy relationship, there is no gender roads.

I do what I want to do and he does what he wants to do, and it ends up working out together because I do, and it just so happens that what he doesn't like to do, I don't mind doing, and what he doesn't like to do, what I don't like to do, he doesn't mind doing.

Like y'all are weird, My husband cooks probably most of the time.

My husband taught me how to cook because I didn't know how to cook shit.

I didn't know how to season.

I was raised by the Caucasians.

No defense, but I didn't know how to cook.

So he taught me how to cook.

He does most of the cooking, and when he gets done cooking, I serve him his plate.

I serve him and then once he's done eating, he gets up in leaves and I take his plate and I go there and I clean the kitchen up.

Like the reason why we don't be talking about how good are relationship is or how healthy it is is because y'all's little toxic gas is becoming in there trying to say something crazy.

Yet y'all are the single ones.

Make that makes sense, and somebody commented on that video saying healthy relationships are not for internet.

Entertainment and amen.

Realistically, what I learned, the patterns that I picked up even before I was in the relationship i'm in now, was that you really don't see that healthy, real love on the Internet.

It's always people who you know, crazy stories, you know, like just toxicity or not whatever the drama.

But also even in the comments, like the people who are criticizing the people who are commenting, it's very much so no, I would never or oh my gosh.

He doesn't love you.

And listen.

This is not to say that some of those criticisms might not be valid.

I totally get where sometimes people might be coming from.

But I just think for the most part, the ones that are in the happy and healthy relationships or even marriages, they are typically not online speaking.

They are mining their own business.

They have different dynamics and what everyone's shouting on the rooftops that your relationships need to be and I know that to be certain, because not only is my relationship obviously different from everyone else's, because every single relationship is gonna be different, but I see the relationships that are surrounding me in my personal life all work differently and they aren't super black and white.

I guess that's what I'm saying.

I have a lot of friends who are in marriages, I have a lot of friends who are engaged, and I just have a lot of friends who are also just in healthy relationships.

Honestly, as I get older, I don't really have close close, close proximity or like friendships where there's a lot of unhealthiness going on anymore.

I think that's just natural.

And it's not to say that if you're going through like you know, the single phase or situationships or you're going through it doesn't mean that you're not like a good person.

I get it.

I've been there.

It's totally fine.

But like I said, I would love to share some light on some of the things that I have been learning and listen, I'm not perfect.

My relationship is not perfect, and there's gonna be many, many, many things that I will have to learn and be humbled by when it comes to relationships and even marriage.

I would love to eventually just like always share with you guys.

And if you're watching on YouTube, THEO is up and ready to play, and we are not ready to play.

We are not ready to play.

Now.

Before we get any further in today's episode, I just want to thank the sponsor of today's video once again, that is Bumble.

Dating apps have been such a big part of my journey, from when I was navigating single life to even now being in a healthy relationship, and that is why I'm so excited to talk to you guys about Bumble.

When I was actively dating, this was the app that I would use, and Guys, I've always had really good experiences on it.

Now many of you also know that I'm a full time content creator and I work for myself, which means it can be pretty hard for me to meet people in real life.

So apps like Bumble have always helped me keep my options open and have given me opportunities to connect with new people in a way that felt accessible and very very lighthearted and honestly, guys, Bumble just keeps getting better.

They've added a dating advice hub right in the app, filled with expert tips to guide you through every stage of your dating journey, whether you're brand new or giving love another try.

It's like having a dating coach in your pocket, and for peace of mind, everyone verifies their photo and phone number with optional ID verification too.

That way, you know the person that you're meeting is real, their photos are real, and their age is real.

Another one of my.

Favorite features that Bumble offers is called Shared Interest to help members showcase their lifestyle and their personality, in which Bumble will then highlight interests that you have in common right up front, helping you quickly determine whether the person that you're interested in is actually your vibe and if you want to start a conversation now.

They've also upgraded their profile prompts by allowing members to add a photo alongside their answer, which is just another way that you can express your interests and your personality and even your lifestyle in a.

More visual way.

For me, dating has always just been about staying open, keeping your heart open and your options open, and Bumble just makes it so much easier to do that.

It really doesn't need to feel so daunting or serious.

So if you've been thinking about giving love another shot, I would definitely recommend downloading Bumble.

It might just be the place where your next chapter begins.

All right, let's get into it.

So when it comes to building and maintaining relationships.

This is something that I literally had to check myself on all of these things realistically, and I started writing these down when I got into my I wouldn't say it's a new relationship, but this relationship that I'm in as well, because I'm always trying to be more aware and work on myself.

So in no particular order, but the first one is not everything is a personal attack when it comes to you being in a relationship.

And what I mean by that is hopefully, if you're in a healthy relationship with somebody who cares about you, they are going to push you in a healthy way.

Okay, no emotional abuse, nothing like tearing you down, things like that.

But coming from somebody who has been highly highly highly independent, I love to be right.

I don't like to be right, Like I really don't like to be wrong.

And my trauma response is very much so fight or flight.

My trauma response is very much so like let me do everything myself and like let me make all the decisions.

Like That's kind of like where I've come from, and I've really had to work on that part of me.

When it comes to being in relation specifically to men, this is not always a dynamic but I'm just speaking from experience, but I feel if you have that personality where you are very independent and you like to be right and things like that, you will typically struggle with feeling like when somebody says anything to you in a relationship, whether it's a suggestion.

To carry out a task.

In a different way or question you on your behavior, especially if you actually are wrong.

This doesn't mean that it's a personal attack and you don't need to get into defense mode.

Realistically, you have to understand when you're in a relationship it should not be you versus the other person.

You have to really always think about it like that, it's you, guys versus the problem moving on to the next thing.

You need to really learn how to let go of arguments and the need to constantly win them.

This is kind of what I was saying before, but I feel as though even when you hear dating advice online where it's like this is what a guy should do for you, or this is what a girl needs to bring to the table, it really does sometimes give like competition.

We shouldn't be in competition with our partners.

Furthermore, with the opposite gender, like why are we and that's what I just feel like is happening online, and it's been like that for a long time.

Honestly, I would say, like twenty twenty the red Pill community, and you know, like even feminists and things like that, it really gives that we are against each other when we should be working together.

Another hard truth is that your relationship will shed light on the ways that you are still emotionally immature.

And listen, Okay, I have a podcast where I talk about being emotionally mature and healing and self love and glowing up and self development like you know, like women empowerment, things of that nature.

Do I really want to admit that there are still parts of me that are emotionally immature at times?

Absolutely not.

But the reality is I do, and I have to work on them, and I have to admit that and allow myself to be wrong and see where I am wrong and where I am falling short and course correct and take more accountability.

Like if you're being selfish in a specific like moment and time in your relationship, you got to clull yourself out on that, Like.

You have to be real about these things.

If you're being a little dramatic, like we have our moments I'm sure of being dramatic, especially as girls sometimes, like you know, we can be like a lot sometimes, but like you have to reel it in and you really have to remind yourself like, Okay, I'm being a little bit immature right now, and I need to consider my partner.

I need to consider people outside of my or whatever the case is.

Whatever the thing.

Is that you do that is typically rooted in your past, it's typically a trigger.

You gotta work on that, and you have to own that.

And I hear this a lot, and I see this a lot in relationships that are not healthy, that are very dysfunctional, where people are always like blaming the other person.

Oh he does this and that and this and that and this and that and this and that or this girl she just drives me insane.

She does this and that and this and that and this and that.

But realistically, guys, it takes two to tango.

And this is also what I mean.

Sometimes you might just genuinely be with the person who is just so unworkable, like they're stubborn, they're avoidant or whatever.

But then you have to look at yourself eventually and be like, well, why am I accepting this?

Why am I staying?

Why am I trying with somebody who is clearly not wanting to try that clearly is not working on themselves.

So no matter how you really slice it or dice it, you're.

Playing a role.

And honestly, for the most part, we trigger each other.

We do.

Even in the most mature, healthy relationships, there's definitely still a little bumps in the road.

But I think once you get to a point where you can see your flaws and you can own up to your mistakes and you can be more emotionally mature, then for the most part, you'll be pretty smooth sailing.

Because I think sometimes like when it comes to like hard truths and how people are always talking about relationships, like what it actually takes to be in a relationship, people will be like, well, there's gonna be like really hard times and you're not always gonna want to be with that person.

I don't necessarily also like believe fully like it needs to be like that.

Like I look at my relationship and I just think that we're very mature and we've had so many different, like past relationships that we've learned our lessons from that we actually are pretty smooth sailing.

If there's an issue, we both face it head on.

We understand that we are a team.

And I have worked on myself with my execution on things.

I'm not always perfect, of course, but I've really, you know, worked on that essentially.

And same with my boyfriend, Like he also understands the importance of, you know, the way you deliver something, whether it's a helpful critique or oh I noticed that you're doing this thing that doesn't make me feel good, Like it's the way that you bring these things up or important things like that.

So I feel like relationships actually can be very smooth sailing.

Now.

I mentioned this person on my last episode, and she's also one of the Bumble experts, like when it comes to like dating coaches, like they have like a dating advice hub in the app on Bubble and she's one of them, which is great.

And her name is Jillian Tureki.

I would highly suggest if you are really wanting to change your beliefs and your mindset when it comes to relationships and you want to like just have that good positive reinforcement, I would suggest following her on Instagram if you can.

She also has a podcast, I Forget what it's called but I will link it down below, like all the resources will link down below.

But she had a really good thread and it says, if you want a relationship that feels safe, connected and growth oriented, you need a partner who understands that love is not just a feeling, it's a practice.

You can't make a relationship work with someone who thinks love is just a feeling.

They'll break your heart the moment things get real.

Bless them, release them, and find someone with wisdom and a big heart who understands that love.

Is a choice.

And I think that's another thing that people will be like, love is not a choice.

Screwed that made this love never find me.

I want to real love.

I want somebody who actually like wants to be with me.

And that's not what that means when people are saying love is a choice.

Love is absolutely a feeling in the sense that I think that there is that person out there for you.

Like I have definitely dated people where it's technically like falling in the category of like the choice and we're mature and we know how to have a relationship with this that but like there was something that's just like energetically not a vibe versus Clearly, my boyfriend is like meant to be my boyfriend in so many ways, like personality wise, just the way that we vibe, like how we are, the attraction, everything, just who we are as people.

But of course when it comes to love is a choice.

We understand the work that is required to be put into relationship, which really starts even before you get in a relationship, right it's working through all your past stuff, trying not to bring all that into relationship, understanding that you will, but you need to take ownership of it, and just being emotionally mature and understanding that life is not always black and white and things like that.

The next thing it says is a conscious partner isn't perfect.

Everyone makes mistakes, everyone has problems and has pain, but they don't make you responsible for their emotional state.

They take accountability.

They're willing to explore their own nervous system, their own conditioning, and their own story, which I always try and remind people who are stuck in situationships or with avoidant people, or people who just don't have healthy attachment styles.

Half the time you're struggling simply from the fact that the person that you are trying to have a relationship with is not willing to look at their own stuff and take ownership of their own things and work on themselves.

So don't even try.

My personal opinion, I know it's hard though.

I have the Situationship episode from last week linked in the description as well.

Next, you can't build a future with someone who refuses to self reflect.

You can't build trust with someone who turns every hard conversation into a blame game.

You can't feel safe with someone who thinks love is just about showing up when it's easy.

That's another thing.

You cannot be a perpetual victim and hope that your relationship is going to be amazing and beautiful.

You have to see when you are playing the victim, and you of course have to see if you are being in a relationship with someone who is a perpetual victim, and you need to like, you need to do some work on that, because it's just it's not going to work.

You cannot be a perpetual victim.

Next, the person who thinks love is just a feeling will constantly doubt you and the relationship because the moment there's any tension, they'll wonder if something's wrong.

With you with them with.

Everything Shout out to the anxiously attached because that one will probably resonate with you guys.

So I just wanted to share that because there's some real facts in there.

And the next thing, you must learn teamwork.

Okay, serious, you and your partner must learn teamwork because that is really what your relationship is about.

And I think that when we are emotionally mature, when we're still stuck in our own wounds, it's very much so about myself, about like even like your self doubts, right, you might not have confidence with yourself, but everything is very much so you.

I focused on your own world and your stuff and it's important that you work through that and things like that.

Same with your partner.

But at the end of the day, and I'm just even thinking about this, when it comes to a marriage, whether you want it or not, it's really the same thing.

Like you need to understand that you guys are on a team, okay, which is what that girl was saying at the beginning.

How you know, the way that we work is not black and white, where it is gender roles.

Specifically, I don't mind taking out the trash and he doesn't mind cooking.

So that's how we're going to have our dynamic that is a team, that's teamwork.

And I think this is very important for you and your person to start to figure out what that looks like.

And that takes time, Like it's taken time for my boyfriend and I to get in a certain routine and figure out, you know, like what he likes to do more and what I like to do more.

And I will say we do have pretty traditional like gender roles, and that's not like that for everyone, and that's totally fine, but there are definitely still some things that are not super like gender role specific.

For instance, if my boyfriend gets home at a decent time and I haven't started making dinner yet.

For the most part, unless I'm like no, baby, like I'm making us this dinner, like don't worry about it, like I want to like make it for you, he'll contribute to making a meal with me because he also looks at it as yes, he just got home from work, but also Alicia was working as well, and she needs a helping hand, and what am I gonna do just sit around and do nothing or even like when we are done eating, For the most part, I am somebody who's very much so like, go, go go.

I want to get everything done now quick, in a hurry.

I like things orderly and just like perfect and pretty all the time.

So when we are done eating, for the most part, I just naturally want to clean up the space and put everything in the dishwasher and like clean up everything and like put things away.

My boyfriend will be like, oh no, no, I'll help you, don't worry, And for the most part, I'm just like, it's fine.

You can digest your food, you can watch whatever we're watching.

I'm still kind of like watching the TV as well.

I like to get up anyways instead of sit for a second.

I can clean up.

And I don't feel any sort of way.

I don't feel like I'm not getting help.

And if I did feel like that, I would talk to him about it.

But there's no hard and fast rules, even though we have these rules technically where it's like Alicia has to clean up every single time, or Alesia has to make dinner, or Alisha has to do the laundry.

I help him with laundry, but he'll do it as well.

I think when you start to have these really strict rules on things, that's when things don't feel very teamwork vibes.

It feels very like you're over there, I'm over here.

We have our roles, and I just don't think that creates or fosters.

A healthy connection.

I think it is true that you know there's gonna be days where maybe you're not having the best day and your boyfriend or your husband or your partner is going to pick up that slack a little bit and vice versa.

Like there are days where my boyfriend has been gone and has worked sixteen hours and by the time he gets home he's literally exhausted.

I'm not really expecting him to do much.

I for the most part, have the time and flexibility as well to help him out with anything that needs to be helped out with.

And I'm usually making dinner, but sometimes he's like, Babe, don't even worry about making dinner, Like let's just order food, Like let's just like take that pressure off of you as well.

So I don't know, I'm just.

Saying that because relationships are just not black and white, and it will require you to pick up slack sometimes where maybe usually you wouldn't be doing that thing.

Like it's fine, and I don't know.

I just think if you love someone, you'll want to help them, you want to show up for them, But of course you want to make sure that person is reciprocating that same energy as well, and if they're not, then you communicate, and if that still doesn't change anything, then maybe that person is not on the same page as you.

Now.

I must share another thread from Jillian because it's just so good.

So it says being in a relationship means you'll be challenged to communicate better, be vulnerable, and show up even when you're not in the mood.

You'll be challenged to become a more mature, self aware person.

Being in a relationship means sharing your fries even when you really don't want to, and some days, being in a relationship means bringing them coffee before they ask.

I think, for the most part, if we're in a happy relationship and we like love that person, we're gonna just naturally want to do those things.

But listen, coming from.

A self proclaimed I guess not really, because my mom used to really always say this to me, I have a little bit of that only child syndrome.

I'm not even gonna lie, and.

I've had to work on that, Like, I'm not like trying to like say that that's like a flex is absolutely not really a flex.

But being that child where I grew up only like with my mom and my dad in the house.

I had half siblings, but we didn't live in the same house, so I didn't necessarily have maybe more exposure to always sharing all the time.

Now, of course I learned how to share.

I was a good kid, But did it kind of hurt my heart a little bit sometimes to be sharing things?

Yeah?

It did?

And did that follow me to my adulthood life kind of?

It kind of did.

And doing everything myself and being independent.

I'm kind of like, well, like this is how it's always been.

So, like I said that, it's definitely one thing that I've had to check myself with.

But I have learned that when I give, I do not lose, and I think that that actually applies to all things, just even outside of relationships.

This is really the scarcity mindset, thinking that there's not enough to go around, that if I give, or if I help, or if I give you my time or my energy, I'm not going to get it back or you're not going to give it to me, And that's usually rooted in you know, stuff from your past.

Maybe you have given yourself too much and then you have not been reciprocated, or you've just grown up in poverty or scarcity and realistically there was not enough to go around.

That is real, but you need to understand that if you're going to have an abundant, healthy relationship, you really got to work through that mindset.

And actually, I have a digital journal guide that I will link down below about the scarcity mindsets in relation to just like actual life, that could really help you get to the core of your scarcity beliefs and start to reprogram them.

The next says, healthy relationship won't keep you up at three am questioning your worth, but it will ask you to look at yourself and take responsibility very true.

Being in a relationship means understanding that your partner is not here to complete you.

They are not your parent, They are not your fixer.

They are a person with their own wounds, nervous system, and conditioning trying to figure it out too.

Next, being in a relationship means claiming your right to take up space in the relationship with your needs, your desires.

And your dreams.

Being in a relationship also means reckoning with yourself.

You'll encounter the parts of you that are reactive, defensive, and impatient.

You'll see how deeply conditioned you are to protect your own ego.

This is another big thing that I really learned was, boy have I learned to be very very very impatient with like literally anything.

Whether it's like, Okay, we say that we're gonna leave the house by nine o'clock on a Saturday morning to go to the farmers market, like we don't actually need to be anywhere at all.

But if my boyfriend's like taking his sweet time because he's just like a he's more of that like type B personality, I'm like going nuts in my head, which I've really had to just realize, like there's no need to be rushing things.

And also he's teaching me so many lessons about just calming down and relaxing and wrestling, which is actually really beneficial.

But it's only from my perspective of being like, ah, this is a learning lesson because I used to in past relationships, you know, have that same situation happen and just like nag and just like be super annoyed and and just like be mad at the world, but it's like it's not always about me as well, you know, Okay, back to my heart truth.

At this point, everything is kind of like meshing in together, but it is what it is.

So I have learned that conflict is not a failure of your relationship and it doesn't mean that person is going to leave.

And I think this is very big for those who are anxiously attached or who have grown up which would make you kind of anxiously attached grown up with parents who either punished you a lot, or were really strict, or you were just afraid of or they were very avoidant.

And sometimes then in our adult relationships, when conflict arises or there's a disagreement or like maybe that person is not happy in that particular moment, like you take it very personal.

You think they're gonna leave, because maybe that's actually happened in your life.

Hopefully, if you're in a healthy relationship, trying your best to not go to that extreme of thinking like, oh my god, it's totally done, like they hate me is important because one that's gonna dictate your actions.

Right, If you believe that someone's gonna leave you, then you're gonna act like oh my god, don't leave me, okay, like never mind, or just forget about it, or you're gonna be like I don't know, like maybe kissing their ass a lot, or really taking things personal or just doing a lot and being really dysregulated when you don't need to be.

Also, I lost my train of thought, so I don't know where I was going with that.

But when it comes to conflict not being a failure, I realized when I dated secure, like more secure guys as I got older, and obviously in the relationship that I'm at now, they are not leaving just because they have a bad day or they like said something that is a critique, like I said, Like, I think that a lot of us, and this is moving into the next thing.

We haven't had healthy experiences with repair.

This is actually what this is.

Relationships require healthy repair, they should at least, and unfortunately a lot of us have not had that experience.

If something went wrong in a relationship dynamic, let's say with mom or dad, maybe these situation was just swept under the rug, or you just got in trouble and there was no apology or there was no trying to see where the other person was coming from like look at your earliest childhood relationships, and you will typically see like, oh, no, wonder, I am constantly afraid to bring up something, or I am expecting the worst possible outcome, or if there's a little bit of a disagreement, then we are completely done and like the relationships over with.

That's not how a healthy relationship should be.

And I even think about this when it comes to family dynamics, and honestly think about it in the sense of like how would you want to be as a mother or a father.

Mistakes are gonna happen.

You're gonna need to face them, and you're gonna need to work through them as a family or even just like as partners in order for us to move forward.

We're not gonna be able to just sweep things under the rug or avoid them or just say screw it, we're not working.

We can't do it, and then just like that's it, and then you know, dust your hands off and that's it.

No more, can't do it Like that is not healthy.

Conflict usually requires us to have apologies, It requires us to be vulnerable, It requires us to have conversations, and I just think the best thing that I've ever done for myself is search for a partner who is willing to have healthy repair, even if they don't necessarily know that that's like what they're doing.

But essentially somebody who's just not going to run away just because they get tough, even in life like this is outside of your relationship.

A good indicator of somebody who's going to be healthy in your relationship and have healthy repair is how do they deal with hardship in their own life?

Do they face it head on?

Do they work through it?

Or do they run away from it?

Are they avoidant?

Do they sweep it under the rug?

What is it?

And of course we are not all perfect, but somebody who is very dismissive of those things in their own life might do the same in your relationship.

Another thing to note is that there's going to be natural shifts in your relationship and just know that and don't go into fight or flight, and don't take things personally and don't catastrophize it.

I have seen this very clearly, I would say with myself, like maybe my early twenties, when I would notice like small little shifts, I was so like just hyper focus on any single thing that this person would say or do or act.

I was very much so, not in my most healed state, of course.

But I've also seen this in friends too that really struggle in relationships, where it's like they're analyzing every single mood and shift and like, oh, they texted this way, or I didn't get three texts today, I only got two in.

Like a span of an hour, or.

Like just like the smallest things, Like you kind of have to see where you're probably focusing on the wrong things and how this is coming from a place of you know, anxious attachment or worry and control and things like that.

But a healthy relationship also will ebb and flow and will naturally shift.

Like when you're first dating, you might have like more of that heightened energy.

And I'm talking about like healthy heightened energy, not the insane obsession over each other, the love bombing, the like crazy butterflies, not to say that you won't have butterflies when you first start talking to someone, or like you know, be like really kind of like obsessed with them a little bit.

Like that's totally fine, But I think there's a difference between you being super dysregulated versus regulated.

When you're dating.

But as you start to date and you get to know this person, and you guys are getting into routine and you're hanging out more, your dynamics might shift a little bit.

Whether it's just energy levels, it's you guys spending different time together.

You guys know each other more, so maybe the conversations that you're having are a little bit different.

Even when it comes to intimacy.

I know that if you're gonna be with somebody for a very long time, there are going to be ebbs and flows now.

But again, I'm also on the other side of being like I would want and hope that I am attracted to the person that I'm with, like forever, Like I'm not going to assume that I'm going to like lose attraction, like I don't like I hope that that doesn't really, you know, happen.

But I know that there are seasons of life.

Okay, maybe you're in a really stressful period of life, maybe you're going through grief.

Maybe you guys have gotten a little too comfortable, and you guys have to have those conversations about like hey, like we're getting a little lazy here, like whatever.

It is, Like that's natural, But what's important is that you have conversations about it and you address it, and you don't just take it personally and just sweep it under the rug and complain about it.

You complaining about your dynamics is not going to change the dynamic.

The next thing is that your partner can't meet every one of your needs.

And Jillian kind of already said that, but it's very true.

It's important that you have have things going for yourself, and not even out of spite of Okay, I don't want to rely on this person because what if they hurt me and what if they leave me.

Don't even have that mindset.

Please don't have that mindset.

I don't have that mindset.

I just know it's important for me as a human being to be happy and to be fulfilled, and relationships are one piece of the puzzle.

But then there's other things in life that should make me happy, you know, pouring into myself and my wellness, my self care and just feeling good and feeling alive and romanticizing life and doing fun things with my friends and having hobbies and passions and being on purpose working things like that.

And I think it's also very okay that the person that you're with is like your person and you spend a lot of time with them, that's fine, but just take inventory, like, are you that codependent person or you guys just genuinely in a good place where, Yeah, you guys are older, you guys are in routine, you have your little life, you're building your little life.

I think that's so fine.

That's another thing that I think that people kind of talk down on with people on the internet when people see that this couple is in a healthy, loving relationship and they do most things together, and it's like, girl, like, you're being codependent.

Like sometimes you're not being codependent.

You're just like being in a healthy relationship.

And realistically, this is a person you're going to grow old with and potentially start a family with.

It's okay that you spend a lot of time together, but I'm just saying it is important, of course that you have your hands and a few other things, but your relationship can absolutely be a big part of the pie essentially, And I think that that's kind of what happens when you get older.

I'm almost thirty.

My boyfriend is nearly almost ten years older than me, and we are just in a phase of life where you know, like our friends have their own things going.

We've lived a lot of our lives in terms of like different phases that we've outgrown.

We're in routine, we're working, we're doing our own like.

It works to be with each other a lot of the times, like, and we are not codependent.

I very much show love my alone time if he's going out and doing something like on the weekend.

Actually, the past two weekends, I went to our friend's baby shower, and then the following weekend they did like this.

Diaper party for the guys.

I don't know.

It was basically just a guy's night, And so he went out, and honestly, not for one second was I like.

Oh my god, Like I don't know what I'm.

Gonna do with myself because I have my own routine, I love my own company.

I have a million things that I can do.

I don't need to be side by side with the man.

Next thing.

Growth is uneven at times, and you must have patience with your partner.

Okay, And this is honestly a life lesson.

People are not going to change on your timeline.

Now with that being said, of course, you want to be with somebody who is committed to growth.

But I think we do a really good job at criticizing and you know, saying, oh, well, this person should be further along than they are, or when are you're going to do this, or you should have done it by now, energy to everyone and everything, when realistically we need to first bring that attention and that same energy towards ourselves half the time.

But also you got to let people be themselves and allow them to change kind of on their own timeline, because sometimes when you want something is actually not even the best for you and even that other person, and maybe the way that that person is going to execute that goal or hit that goal is going to be completely different than the way that you think that they need to do it.

And that's definitely something that I've had to tell myself and like work on, because I am very much so somebody who loves to stick to a plan and loves to be like, Okay, well this is how it's going to get done, and we need to do it at this time on this day.

But life happens, and also people happen.

So if you're in a relationship and you want to see growth in that person, do not shame them.

You can absolutely have open conversations though, and show your support how can I help you, and also be that influence yourself and if we are going to come back to this gender role male female dynamics, things like that, and you don't have to listen to his advice if you don't want to.

But I just I do understand the importance of speaking life and words of affirmation and positivity into a man's soul in terms of if you want to see him change and grow, because I really do think that they also need it as well.

And I've also just had to learn that you have to let men do what men do and figure things out on their own, and you do not need to be their mother.

You do not need to be telling them what to do all the time, and they're going to do it the way they want and sometimes you just have to let that be.

And honestly, even outside of men like you have to let people like be who they are now.

Obviously we would.

Hope that the way that they're doing things will be beneficial to you, of course, and they're hearing you out and they're changing for the betterment of your relationship as well.

But at the end of the day, especially when it comes to men, you just you gotta let men be men.

And the last thing, well it's not really last thing, because IM gonna talk about two more things after that, but my last, like hard truth is comparison kills your relationship.

And this is huge, right.

It's the use going on social media and seeing this person has a ring, or now they're having a baby, or they just got a house, or oh my god, he's bringing her to this date night and he bought her this bag, and now they have.

This and that and this and that and this and that.

Listen, we can absolutely have our preferences, but try your best to focus on the things that do matter in a relationship, like the things I've been talking about, because that supersedes all the you know, the luxuries and the grand gestures and what can this person buy from me?

Or what does this person look like?

Things like that, But also just understanding that there are so many people on this earth.

You will be always, always, always always comparing your aggress to someone else's if you don't realize that the only thing that you should be doing is watering your own.

And I saw this tweet and and it says, the most expensive gifts my husband has ever given me.

I'm not going anywhere, love, laughter, his regulated nervous system, gentleness during conflict, healthy masculinity, space for my emotions without taking them personally.

I'm always going to take care of you mentality, And this is kind of what I've learned.

Of course, those are things that you could also quote unquote compare your relationship with, Like, I'm not saying that that's the end.

I'll be all and that your husband or your person needs to do all of those things, but I do think a lot of those things that she listed, the laughter, I'm not going anywhere, love, his regulated nervous system, gentleness during conflict.

Guess what, you don't see that on social media.

You don't even really see that offline, right, You experience that within your partnership.

It's not something you can necessarily even see or buy.

Now, let's read another Jillian thread because I just I'm just clearly obsessed.

So it says, behind every happy couple are hard conversations.

What's not behind happy couples is walking on eggshell having to chase each other's love, resentment, avoidance, taking each other for granted.

Behind every happy couple is the reality that a relationship is in fifty to fifty some days, one person is struggling, whether it's stress, grief, or exhaustion, and the other has to step up and hold study.

Happy couples don't keep score.

That's really important.

There's just going to be days where things aren't perfect.

But I'll say this, I know how much, on average I can show up in a relationship, and I also wanted to look for a man who could also on average show up into a relationship, like at a certain capacity.

And so like, if you are with somebody who is just like constantly not showing up again and is draining you, that doesn't mean that that's normal and that you should stay in that relationship.

Like I looked for a man who can, on his hardest days still be very regulated.

It doesn't mean that he's on exhausted.

It doesn't mean he doesn't maybe need me to help out with something.

Even though he doesn't ask, he really doesn't ask, which is very important.

Just being a woman too is kind of knowing like, like, your man is probably not gonna ask much of you, but it doesn't mean that he doesn't need that help.

So it could be like the small little thing like oh I made us dinner tonight, or I folded your clothes that you were supposed to like, I don't know, whatever it is.

Your dynamics are very unique.

But of course, yes, happy couples don't keep score.

Behind every happy couple is to understanding that no one is perfect and a healthy relationship isn't a fairy tale, very true, but also a healthy relationship could absolutely feel like not believable and it is amazing and what the heck is this even real?

Like that can absolutely happen.

I think when you also have done the work on yourself and that person has as well, and you guys are conscious, you guys are aware, and you guys are working on your partnership, your.

Union, it can absolutely feel great.

And the last one behind every happy couple is a mountain of laundry, bad moods, inside jokes, forgiveness and take out on the.

Couch and amen to that.

It's okay if you guys are not always going out on a date night.

It's okay.

If you guys are in a season of life where you guys are saving money and you guys are cooking more from home, or you guys need to scale it back on something, or you guys are just not in the mood to be super social.

Every person is unique and every union is unique.

So try to do your best to not compare yourself so much to other people and what they're doing or what they're saying, especially online.

Okay, please, let's stop feeding into this black and white thinking.

Men are all like this, women are all like this.

You have to be like this.

You have to do this.

How about you go out in the real world and you date, and you come back and you tell me if those things are true.

And I can guarantee you.

You will find a lot of nuances.

You will find not everything is black and white.

You gotta find what works for you.

You have open communication, You need to work on your stuff.

That person also needs to work on their stuff.

And hopefully you guys decide let's do this damn thing together, okay, because life is hard sometimes, all right, and life is also amazing, and I.

Kind of want to do it with somebody.

I want to do with a lot of people, but I definitely want to have that person to do it with.

And if you have that mindset, I think that you're gonna be good.

I think you're gonna find that person.

And if you have not that's okay.

Do not lose hope, do not lose faith, and don't get tied up in all the noise.

So with that said, I think that's all I'm gonna say on this episode.

I could have gone on and so many other things, like so many other tangents, but I think for the most part, this is good enough.

Don't forget.

The digital guide for Scarcity Mindset will be linked down below.

I also am starting an email list, so please put your email in the link like down below in the description because I'm going to be coming out with a new journal series.

I'm also just going to be coming out with like so many new things, and I want.

You guys to just be aware of that.

I was also thinking of like doing some sort of like monthly newsletter and stuff like that, like free resources and everything.

So just make sure that you guys are inputting your emails because that will be starting very soon.

Don't forget to subscribe if you're watching on YouTube.

I come out with a new episode every Sunday.

And also I do have my podcast available on Spotify and Apple or wherever you listen to your audio podcast.

And with that said, I hope you guys, have a fantastic day, night, middle of the day, and I'll see you guys in the next one.

Bye.