Hello, just a quick note here.

I realized as I was making this episode that it kind of featured a few scenes where we just kind of lose our shit.

We are just in fits of giggles and laughter.

So I went searching for an episode worth of content of that sort of stuff where we just kind of lose ourselves to fits of giggles.

I love it so much.

I think it's a brilliant episode.

So just in case you...

noticed that there's more giggles and stuff than normal a little it's not not exactly a trigger warning but uh we're out of character and giggling and corpsing a lot more in this and i really hope you enjoy it i we clearly enjoyed making it i think it's a fantastic episode uh so enjoy bye -bye good day is this all over yet look it's still going When will it end?

You probably know by now.

Welcome back to Dunbracken.

Right.

What we're going to do, we're going to build it right here.

I can see it happening.

We're going to build it.

We're going to build it now.

This town.

This town has got too many nice things.

We're going to knock them down and we're going to make a runway for my big jet.

We're going to do it now.

We're going to do it right now.

We're going to do the jet right now.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Gavin, what about the graves?

The graves?

They're dead.

You're forgetting that.

They're already dead.

We can't kill any more of them.

They're dead.

And I know I had a lot to do with that, but they're dead now.

Just dead.

I just feel like the optics of this...

The optics?

They can't see.

No, but other people can.

The people who are living, the people who come to visit the graves, like the Victims Association.

They do come and visit the graves and I just feel like potentially the optics of you bulldozing their relatives after you were slightly, for legal reasons, not responsible for their deaths.

Only a bit.

The Victims Association's massive.

So many of them.

There's an awful lot of victims and victims' families.

And there's just a lot of...

I mean, it's not a very big town, but there's a lot of people who have been involved in this.

Too many, in my opinion.

And they keep congregating at the monument, and you want to knock it down.

I mean, you did what you could to reduce the population of this town.

I know you didn't, and for legal reasons you did not.

For legal reasons, I was just doing my best.

I was just thinking, there's so many people in this town.

I want to do things in this town.

And then I did them.

You're just a man with a family.

I'm just a man with a dream.

Not a family anymore.

They were getting in the way.

So they're in there as well.

I'm technically one of the victim's family.

My wife is in there.

And I don't like it anymore.

I wanted to go.

So actually, really, they can like...

I don't know, fuck off, because I'm part of the victims' association.

I might also be technically the perpetrator, but I'm also a victim.

I'm a victim of a lot of things, and I think what I'm also a victim of is not having a big runway.

See, you're silent.

You're thinking about it now.

You're actually thinking about it.

I'm thinking about quitting.

You'll be quitting this earth in a second.

You'll be in there as well because I want it.

I want it.

Please, please, please.

Let's do it.

Let's do it.

Let's do it.

Believe me.

Come on.

Could you maybe give someone else an opportunity to say a eulogy?

You have been hogging a mic for some time.

That's my wife.

That's my wife there.

That's mine.

She was mine.

Now she's God's.

I would just like to apologise again for Mr.

Newsome.

We can organise another funeral if that's what you would like.

Whoa, whoa.

Just hang on.

No, this is not going the way I imagined it.

Listen.

I mean, also we're fully booked.

Can you see it now?

Can you see it now?

We just go straight fucking through it.

I know I don't have it yet.

I promise, I promise I'll buy one.

Someone can have a go on it, I promise.

But I want one really badly.

I need the runway before I can have the fucking jet.

Otherwise, how am I going to try it out?

I'm going to get people to fly their jets in, and then I'm going to practice on the jets, and I will buy it.

I promise, I promise, I promise.

Just please let me do it.

Let me.

What if it gets hunted?

Get what?

What if your runway gets haunted by all the dead?

Well, I think, you know, if they're a spectre, a fucking jet will go straight through those fuckers.

Like, there's not...

I swear to God, like, even if it's fucking haunted, a jet can cut through a ghost.

If a car can cut through a ghost, then a fucking jet can.

What are you not getting about this?

Do we know that a car can cut through a ghost?

I take great offence at the notion that any of our graders are haunted.

Well, if anywhere's going to be hunted, it's probably a graveyard.

Yes, but everybody's at peace in the graveyard.

The people who aren't at peace are the people who are still under the rubble.

Again, there's a lot of people here.

There's a lot still under there.

But crucially, I think maybe we should cede the stage and let this man sing.

So what?

I get, right, the Victim's Association, which I am a part of, that's my wife after all.

Wants to hear me sing.

I thought she was God's now, Gavin.

Well, right, she's God's now, but she was mine at some point.

If you said you owned a car, you did own a car, it doesn't matter if you fucking sold the car.

It doesn't matter if you sold the car.

At one point, that car was fucking yours, okay?

Right, right, this is my song.

It's more of a chant.

Gavin, there's a news crew.

Gavin, please stop.

There's a fucking...

Wait, I'm just...

I wasn't good with poetry in school.

Just let me fucking take part in it, right?

Okay?

Oh, Gavin.

Just let me fuck.

Does anyone have a pen?

Does anyone have a fucking pen?

Oh, wait.

Okay.

Okay.

If a Nissan can cut through a ghost or a human in a private jet, better the fuck.

I'm not good at poetry, but that's...

My wife said that.

She's right there.

If she was alive, she could fucking tell you.

But she's dead.

She's God's, she's God's now.

But hopefully there will be a ghost so that she can come back and tell you I'm not good with poetry.

But I am.

But I am good with, I'm good with jets.

And I'll buy one, I promise.

Just, just, right, okay.

Right, right.

All together now.

If a, if a Nissan can go through a ghost or a human, a private jet sure the fuck can.

There we go.

Okay, right.

Everyone's on site now.

Right.

So I think we're going to do this.

I'm going to lay the groundwork.

I'll get my son to dig the hole.

He's good with those things.

He can do the drainage.

He can do the drainage and all that stuff so it doesn't get flooded because that'd be bad.

I mean, I can deal with ghosts, but if flooding on the runway would be a fucking nightmare.

But I think what...

Okay.

Okay, I can...

Right, he'll do...

I'll call him.

I'll call him in about 20 minutes.

He's at work right now.

He works at Costa.

But I can get him to do that.

Yeah, no, just cut the mic.

Just cut the mic.

No, no, you won't be stopping me.

This is what I want to do.

Please, please just let me do it.

Please.

I've got my cousin Mark.

He does tarmac and he can do that.

He just has to borrow the council's van.

We are so sorry for all your losses.

Yeah, sorry about that.

Sorry they're all dead.

I mean, my wife is dead as well.

But just...

Thank you for coming.

We all handle grief differently.

Right, guys.

For too long, the other colleges have been making fun of us and it's time that we take matters into our own hands and screw everyone else and we are with the knights of our own destiny and I think that together...

We could make a plan to be the best and to poop on all of the other schools and together we could be the cool ones.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That is such a vague plan, Neil.

That's so vague.

But I like the sentiment of it.

I like the sentiment of it.

It's the enthusiasm.

Because I don't have strong, rule -breaking ideas, but I have the sentiment.

You do.

I don't think so.

You want to shit on the universities.

Whoa, languages, language, language.

I couldn't shit on command.

And in fact, I couldn't do it in public or command.

So whilst I would like to poop on the tower or top the tower, I couldn't do that.

No.

Could you put it in a wee box?

I guess I could come prepared.

Someone's speaking sense.

See, thank you.

Someone is making some semblance of sense.

That's a really good idea.

Yeah, if we pick a date.

and peck a week, and then we'll...

Yeah, and then we'll have enough poop prepared.

Poopies, poopies in a box for the whole week.

Yeah.

You're not going to keep that in the dorm.

I don't know why you're keeping that.

No, yeah, it's not happening in this dorm room.

Hallway?

It's not happening outside our dorm.

I don't want it to be on our floor.

No.

Frankly.

Because we all share a bathroom.

There is a line.

There is a line.

Yeah.

Nobody can't poop on demand.

Well, I'm fine with not...

I just said poop in the spirit of the moment.

I don't think that's the one...

That we have to do a go at.

You said it with such conviction, Neil.

I know, because poop's a fun word to say.

But we could do something else to prove that we are a cool room in the dorm.

I'm sorry that I got carried away with poop.

I'm all for the poop.

Right, well, it's two against two.

I think in the right direction I could be, but the way that you pitched it, no.

All right, well, they're sporting, and they're good looking, and they're nice, and they're kind, and they're rich.

and they have so many good attributes, and we're ugly, poor.

We could get, we could get facelifts.

We could get Botox.

We could look real cute, hot, and sexy.

But we get cute, hot, and sexy, and then we're even poorer than before.

Guys, I shouldn't know, and I don't know if I'm off the cover of the Botox.

I'm only here because of my smarts and my scholarship.

Okay, okay, okay.

Hear me out, and you can shoot me down.

I understand I've already shot you down, so you can shoot me down as well.

No, it's okay.

It's totally fair.

What if we pull our student loans together and make one of us really cute, hot, and sexy?

One of us is an Adonis amongst people.

And we just be like, if you're the only one they ever see, they'll assume we're all like that.

Yeah.

Yeah, they'll be like, wow.

We could all stand behind them in a line.

From room 34C.

We could be really tall.

We could be on each other's shoulders.

Yeah.

Cute, hot, sexy and tall.

That's too tall.

Too tall.

It's like a curve.

Tall is sexy, but too tall.

Like three people tall.

That's not sexy.

Well, we'd be four people tall, so it's fine.

Oh, we're back to sexy again.

It's a bell curve again.

I think we should have you standing way in front and us at the back.

I'm heralding you.

Yeah.

Hey, hey, hey.

There's a big tall sexy person coming along.

You're not getting the work done.

No.

We've decided that between the four of us.

Oh, okay, right, okay.

Did we quickly decide?

No, I'm fine.

I'm fine with that.

I'm fine with that, yeah.

If you three want to decide.

I'll go under the blade.

I don't care.

Oh, okay, good.

I didn't want to go.

Oh, okay.

Just face?

Is anyone willing to be sexy?

I know none of us have ever been sexy.

I can try.

It seems dangerous.

You pose a good question.

Is it just face or is it ass?

It depends how far our money goes.

Everything.

Is it, you know, all that tummy?

Are we shaving down a little bit of the jawbone?

Yeah.

It is.

You guys can design me.

Hair extensions.

We have four student loans to work with.

Two that are horribly depleted.

But I just think that we go with it with gusto.

Sexy, sexy gusto.

And we can prove to them.

Yeah, you're on the sexy train now.

I love it.

I'm with it.

It's so much sexier than poop.

Why don't we go to the medical students who are in training and get a discount?

That's a good idea.

That's a really good idea.

If they can do the procedure, then yeah, great.

It's like going to a trainee hairdresser.

I just don't want to lose a liver by mistake.

Oh, it wouldn't be a mistake.

Oh, you're saying...

Oh, they'll definitely sell it.

They'll sell a lube.

That's more money.

Don't worry.

They'll sell my lube.

Take all of my organs.

Oh, kidney.

Each guy's kidney.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's enough to make at least one of us sexy.

Yeah, and if we make one of us sexy and no one sees the rest of us, they have to assume...

We're all sexy.

Too hot and sexy.

It's like the way an army sends its strongest man to try and intimidate the other army.

They must all be super strong.

A Trojan horse of sexiness.

Except whenever you look inside it gets more sexy.

No, that's wrong.

No, it gets worse.

It gets ugly.

It gets worse quick.

Because we know what we are.

We're honest.

We're honest.

We need work and we need plastic surgeons to do that work.

We're ugly, but with good souls.

We're not liars.

Yeah, we're not liars.

We're empathetic.

We're here because of our scholarships.

Yeah.

Not because of our parents.

Yeah.

They might be rich and beautiful and kind and sweet and sexy and cool, but...

Those guys?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I thought you meant our parents.

Yeah, I thought you meant our parents.

I'm excited to meet your parents and I hope that is the case, but I assume by looking at all of us that we couldn't have come from unless we could be like the terrible ones that came from them and maybe...

The ugly ducklings.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maybe we are beautiful parents.

Maybe with the plastic surgery we'll blossom into a swan.

I'm realising that we're covered on looking beautiful, cute, hot and sexy, but not on sport acclaim.

We're still not that good at sport.

That's fine.

Do you think we can just blag it with that?

Yeah.

Have you ever seen someone get through life just being cute, hot, sexy?

Yeah.

It totally happens.

Okay, yeah, no, that's so true.

You don't need sporting acclaim.

Or we can get our knees done.

Oh.

I mean, we might as well get all that out.

A couple of iron knees.

We'll be unstoppable at any sport.

Start MMA or rugby or anything.

Yeah.

That's a great idea.

And we look so cute and hot and sexy while we're doing all of these boards.

We're sweaty, sweaty.

With our shiny knees.

We're sweaty, we're muddy.

That's kind of sexy though, isn't it?

Yeah, it's kind of sexy, I suppose.

So the only way that we as a dorm room can get cool again is to...

Firstly, sell the kidneys.

Sell our kidneys, put our student loans together and make one of us cute, hot and sexy and with big knees.

Hey, I couldn't notice how cute, hot, and sexy you are.

Would you like to transfer to our university?

Oh, uh, whoa.

Yeah, I just...

Let me have a conversation with my internal monologue for a second, if that's okay.

Of course, cute, hot, and sexy, and you consider the moral implications of your choice.

Thank you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just give me a...

Can I just say, those knees are amazing.

I work hard on them.

I do so many workouts and, like, different sports.

I trampoline for these knees, you know?

I do a lot of trampolining.

It shows.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Guys?

What?

What do you need?

I've been offered to transfer.

What?

Do we want to do that?

Well, for all of us or just you?

This is what I'm thinking.

I want to bring you guys with me.

Did they make room for you in that when you got your knees done?

To hold all of us inside you?

Yeah, I think I'm strong enough now.

Like a wee camper van?

Because of the knees?

Yeah.

But Neil was...

Neil was never a part of us, so I feel like...

I feel like we're abandoning him if the three of us transfer to a different university.

Hello, sir.

I'm just a casual uggo who I just, in case you need me, is a barometer of what could be at your university.

Oh, hello, person who I've never met before.

Gosh, aren't you cool, hot, and sexy?

Big knees.

I would like to join your university.

So, are you interested in the offer?

Yeah, do I have to do anything in particular?

Or can I just kind of be a student and be cute, hot, and sexy?

Full scholarship.

I mean, this might be...

Awful of me to ask, but could you knee that person?

Could you just knee them right out of the way?

Oh, um...

I will also say, you've been sounding very straight, like you're hiding people behind you.

No!

No, it's okay.

I just don't like to use my knees for evil.

It's not evil.

Look at him.

It's okay.

He's fine with it.

It's okay.

Are you sure?

Know that I don't actually mean this.

Just let me live in your second garage.

I mean...

Yeah, let's discuss this down the line.

Just give me a place to live.

Hey, we're always doormates.

The three of you, don't forget me.

Don't forget me.

Oh, wow.

Well, that looks like...

Look, you took out one of his kidneys.

Thank God he's got two of them.

All rise for the Honourable Judge McIntyre.

Right, right, right.

Let's get this going.

Okay, everyone sit down.

Don't be standing off on my account.

Sit down.

You're fine.

Thank you.

No worries.

Go ahead.

Take a seat, everyone.

Everyone take a seat.

Where was I?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, so what's the crime again?

I was just having a little nap back there, I'm going to be honest with you.

It's awesome.

Judge McIntyre.

The funniest of all the crimes because it sounds like bum.

I don't think you should be laughing, Mr.

Jenkins, when it was in fact your bum that was set on fire.

Yeah, hello.

Hello.

Did it hurt?

Honestly, for a little bit, yes.

And then, quite quickly, no.

I have a question for you.

Are you a liar at all?

No, I wouldn't do that.

They gave me a Bible and I kept it.

So now, my whole life.

I'm just staying truthful since the last time I was here.

Well, that's good, because otherwise the legal defense, liar, liar, pants on fire, would have been legally binding.

Well, this would be interesting, because my pants on fire were first, and then I lied, and then I was in court, and then I stopped lying.

Ah, God.

Well, I...

Pants on fire, liar, liar.

That's, well...

If you can follow the...

Oh, like, oh, okay.

Judge McIntyre, if we could return to the case, please.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Yes, I'm looking...

Two million.

Two million.

Although it didn't hurt for very long.

It's not my gist back there.

Well, you'd not be going to.

If it was a proper scorcher, then, you know, 30 million.

I know my arse is worth, and I know it's not 30 million.

Two million maximum.

There are a few people in this town whose arse is worth 30 million.

Good on you for being.

They are, I know.

Because I would go down to the bar all the time wearing my chaps.

Can't do that no more.

Can't do that.

Do you know the mental toil it takes a man to not be able to wear his chaps?

Or if he does, to get scorned?

Judge McIntyre, if you would refer to Exhibit C, it's the assless chaps that are now fused to Mr Jenkins' skin.

Ah, yes.

Yes.

I don't like that you keep that little sticker above it, though.

Take it off me.

Do I have to turn around again every time you want to look at Exhibit C?

Yeah, why not?

Why not?

It makes it more real.

It makes it more real.

Yeah, so as I say, I don't like wearing these assless chaps, but I can't not wear them anymore.

Give us a spin.

Give us a spin.

Okay.

Oh!

Jesus, okay, okay, okay.

Well, no, it sort of wafted the smell of burning flesh towards me.

That's not me.

That is me, but it's not my fault.

I also think it's the pleather sort of fused to the skin.

This was real leather.

Was it real leather?

No.

I think that's, yeah, I think someone lied to you there.

That's the one lie.

The one lie is that it wasn't real leather.

I'm sorry.

Oh, Jesus.

Well...

Do you, any, any sort of defense witnesses at all for, for, hi?

Yeah, no.

Do we, do we swear you in?

Nah, don't worry about it.

Just, just sit down, sit down.

You're fine, you're fine.

Oh, cheers, cheers.

Um, my defense is, uh, you know, he, he told me it was real leather and I said, no way, that's not real leather.

And he said, no, it's real leather.

And I said, well, real leather doesn't burn.

He said, try it.

And, you know, then I got to imagine he was on fire, and I'm like, that's not my fault.

That's just, if he had told the truth, I wouldn't have set him on fire.

I didn't want to set him on fire.

Real leather's too warm.

I wear the leather at the bar because I'm wearing it every day, all day.

And, you know, just because my ass cheeks are out doesn't mean I don't sweat.

So it's warm.

Oh, yeah, you know, you want to see the cushion after he sat down, like a slip and slide.

You know, I would have thought the breeze would have got in and you wouldn't be as...

Well, that's what it does, but it's still horrid under there, you know?

It's leather.

Well, pleather, but yeah.

Where did you get them from?

To be fair, they're looking fine.

They're looking good.

Oh, I just, I didn't disagree.

I thought I would look great on them.

I'm just, it wasn't real leather.

They were from a motorbike gang.

I went to them, you know.

Well, I can see sort of like an...

And Summer's tag coming out the back of it that's fused to your tailbone.

I don't know where they got it from, but this was from a motorbike gang first.

I cut the holes out myself.

Because, you know, no one knows your arse like your own hands.

Judge McIntyre, I would like to move that this entire case be dismissed.

I need my money.

We've got a lot of defensiveness.

Isn't that the law?

No one is actually owning up to or allowing.

For the assless chap's damage or their bodily harm.

I have to wear two pairs of trousers now.

And he has cut bum holes out of both.

Well, my job's so hard.

What if I just say sorry?

What do you accept about me?

Will you let me back in the club again?

Would you let him back in the club again?

I mean, once the smell lightens up a wee bit.

The club, it's got no windows or fire escapes, you know.

If I'm allowed for brief intermittent periods of time in the club, and when you say I need to go on account of the smell, I'll go, no question, no fights.

Can we give it two weeks?

Well, I know what we'll do.

Right.

I order that he...

No money will be awarded as long as you guys hold it to each other and you, the assless chaps fella, you will buy a Febreze and you'll have it on your purse.

Why should I have to buy it?

I'll get the Febreze.

I'm coming down a lot from two million.

That's fair.

And news just in.

Donald McKendry, the man who had his...

Chaps burned into his ass.

Mr.

Jenkins.

Jenkins.

Yes, I can hear you, but I'm...

Well, it's been a busy day, yes.

Yes, news just in, the case is closed.

And in his words, can we all agree, no one knows your ass like your own hands.

I go bad on a T -shirt.

I'm making money from this thing.

We're doing okay again.

And here is Jenkins' new single.

With the same title.

That's the first.

You have to pay for more than that.

Oh, okay.

Here you go.

Here's my pun.

Let's get the next bit.

Well, just like you know, the back of your hand.

The back of your hand knows the back of your arse.

But the back of your arse isn't the front of your arse.

Nobody knows that question.

No, they don't know.

And that's the chorus.

That's probably going to go straight into number 36.

As they say, if you ask a question in your songs, you're more than likely to get into the billboards.

Keep them thinking.

It is Friday.

We are announcing our number seven.

And then the other ones after that.

Come on.

But most people are most excited about this.

Lucky number seven.

We have been absolutely storming the charts.

Everyone's surprised.

Surprisingly, a lot of people relate.

Give me it.

Yes, that's right.

It's nobody knows your ass like your own hands.

Yes, fuck yeah.

Oh, yes.

Yes, this is great.

Oh, give me the prize.

Give me the big trophy.

Come here.

No?

Okay, I'll just sing the song.

It's the radio.

I know.

I'm sure it'll mail you something.

They'll feel my performance if I don't have a trophy in my hands.

The elation won't be there.

Fine, I'll go ahead.

Nobody knows the back of your arse.

I just don't feel it anymore.

I don't have a trophy in my hands.

I don't even know the back of my arse anymore.

I don't know.

It's changed ever since I got all this money from all these streams.

Cut to number six.

Cut to number six.

Spotify have paid me so much money to stop it streaming.

Because the music video, they say it's hypnotic.

Breaking news.

We have hordes of teenagers burning assless chaps to their bums.

Oh, this just in.

We have the singer of the incendiary song has appeared in front of Trafalgar Square.

Please stop this.

I'm speaking to you from the highest point on earth.

Just wear real leather.

It doesn't burn.

No, you haven't apologized to me.

It was mutual apologies.

And everybody involved is getting arrested under new anti -protest legislation.

Unfortunately, the police officers are also wearing pleather.

It is horrific scenes out there tonight.

Back to you in the studio.

I've never been...

I've never been under a bed.

It's not really ideal circumstances.

No, for sure.

For sure.

If we're found, that's a problem, but...

It's just nice to get a new experience, even if it is under dire times.

Yeah.

It is quite dusty.

I realise a lot of the cleaning that we do is just, you know, the higher -up surfaces and...

Nobody's going to look under the bed, you hope?

Well, until now.

Until now, but we didn't have a choice.

We had to get in.

We were in danger.

Do you have any antihistamines?

I have them outside my purse.

I'll hold in the sneezes for now.

Oh yeah, do, especially if they enter the room.

Oh yeah, oh yeah.

Because if you sneeze, that probably gives it away, I suppose, where we are.

But if I sneeze, it might not.

You do have quite a quiet sneeze.

And I think I'm right in the corner, so it might be able to get away with it.

Maybe it would scare them because they're like, there's a mouse in here.

Oh, but then I don't want you to sneeze and then that scare me.

Because you don't really have a preamble to your sneeze.

You just kind of go, and that's scary when you're not expecting it.

And then I might hit my head.

Oh, gee.

Or yelp.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Don't yelp.

Don't hit your head.

Well, don't sneeze.

Well, okay.

I wasn't going to.

Well, I was thinking about it.

I might.

Well, don't.

Well, I'm going to try not to, but I can't help it.

It's quite dusty.

Do you think we could turn on a light down here?

It's kind of dark.

Are we the boogeymen that all the children are scared of right now?

Is that us now?

I mean, that is interesting because I feel very scared at the moment.

I feel very scary because it's dark and I don't know what my body is now.

You feel scary?

I feel scared.

Yeah, I'm in the place of the scarer.

So I feel like...

You feel powerful?

I feel powerful.

I'm in the dark.

I don't know.

Is my body ten feet tall?

I don't know.

I can't see.

I've lost all my object permanence.

I'm glad you're the one beside the wall.

I'd feel too claustrophobic there.

I'd be more scared.

I'm going to scratch the wall.

Don't do that.

No, you'll leave a mark.

No, you'll leave a mark.

How long are my nails?

I don't know.

Yeah, I think I'll be okay living under a bed.

I like this.

I don't know if I do.

We are the things that scare kids.

And some adults.

So there's a certain power in that.

Because we don't have to do it if we don't want to.

We could sort of do it to only bad kids and adults.

Oh, that's nice.

We just kind of take the space under the bed and we don't actually scare anyone.

If they look down, it's their own fault, I suppose, isn't it?

Yeah.

If they try to store something under the bed.

There's a lesson in that, isn't there?

Yeah.

Because if I was under, like, a marital bed and...

I didn't want to think I would just have to scare kids.

Yeah.

So I wanted to scare adults as well.

Yeah.

And kids don't have marital beds.

I mean, some of them might not practice their marital -ness.

Oh, no, I wasn't meaning that people were going to get in having...

Boners and stuff.

No, I was just meaning it was old people.

Marital is my distinction to know that it's definitely an adult.

Oh, you just mean like a bigger, fancier bed.

A more expensive, sizable bed.

Owned by adults.

Because I don't feel like I want to scare kids.

I want to be in a boogeyman for an adult.

But then if it's a marital bed, are you only scaring like one of the couple?

Well, just if they look, you know, that's what I mean.

It's sort of like it's one of those self -fulfilled prophecies.

If they're scared of something under the bed, I don't exist until they look down there.

Well, that's not really self -fulfilling, is it?

That's outside of themselves.

I don't want to talk about Schrodinger because I feel that's overdone.

Yeah.

It's kind of played out, so I'm not going to talk about it.

I'm going to imagine that I have the power to end a relationship if one of them gets scared enough and looks down.

And if I was there, I'd have the power to start rumours of affair in a relationship.

Oh, infidelity.

Yeah.

That's nice, that's nice.

We can psychologically...

I could just start saying other people's names.

Oh, in the middle of boner time.

I don't know where you got the rumours from.

And it's just, it's ruining boner time for me.

Well, how do you think I feel, knowing that that boner isn't for me?

It is for you.

That's just rumors.

I heard Rudolph's name.

I don't even know who Rudolph is.

Don't lie to me.

Who's Abigail?

I don't know.

Don't deflect.

Why are you stuttering?

It's as if you are keeping something from me.

It's just...

Okay.

I'm calling it now, as we always have to do when this is over.

Boner time's over.

Alright, and down.

You don't get to say it when boner time is over.

I get to say it when it's over.

You can't just tell it to go down.

Is this why you don't want me to meet your work colleagues?

You can meet them, but they're just...

I don't think you get along with them.

Well, you seem to be getting along with them very well.

No, I don't like Nathaniel.

I could see.

It's down.

I'm going to cover myself up.

I think that's for the best.

Yeah.

Do you want to cover it up or are you okay to just...

I'm good.

Okay.

Perfect.

Yeah, I should cover up.

Is this boner time over?

Hey, you know who it is?

Mr.

Jenkins here.

Listen to that beat, yo.

This is the Sexy Time Remix.

I'm here to tell you that you are there alone.

Hey, girl.

Hey, boy.

You are there alone.

I get it.

I've been alone.

But you don't need to be alone when you have these two right here.

Ass in your hands.

You have your ass in your hands.

Do you know what you could do with those ass in your hands?

Takes yourself away to a nice little cottage.

Back to Dumb Bracken is produced and edited by me, Conleth McVeigh.

This episode featured Patrick Meyer, Laura Conlon, Gerard Donnelly, Amelia Price, Jean McIver, Tiff Minson, and Nicole O'Doherty.

Was there anyone else?

No, I think that was it.

We did it.

The opening and closing credits were created by Conor Mallon, and you can check out his entire album Unearthed on Spotify now.

Thank you for listening.

We look forward to welcoming you back to Dunbracken very soon.