Well, who says you need an Ikea?

Look at this.

I must say, David, the way that you have stacked this van is astounding.

Thank you.

Honestly, I come here for every house I've moved into, all my rentals, all my student rentals, I just go here and I say, is that a stain of blood?

I hope not.

Those teenagers are going to have to clean it off anyway.

There's loads of stuff you find here.

I love this ditch.

It's not a bad ditch.

I can't get enough of it.

I'm surprised you left the rug.

I mean, it had some concerning stains on it that even an 18 -year -old might smell.

Well, David, just because they can smell them doesn't mean to say that they won't think it's aesthetic.

I don't want to give them any soft furnishings.

What I want is pleather furniture.

I want mismatched wood.

I don't want mahogany.

I don't want anything that, you know, gives the place character.

No.

I want it to be soulless.

You want it to be wipe clean.

Wipe clean and mouldy, but a bit, so I can gaslight them and go, that wasn't there when you moved in.

No.

Because it gets worse because they're not going to be able to afford eating, are they?

No.

To be honest, my rates are extortionate.

But, you know, I get it from the ditch.

I'm trying to keep costs low, you know.

Well, you can't get much lower than a ditch.

No, no.

Literally, geographically, you can't get much lower than a ditch.

That's what my dad always said.

Well, you can get down mine.

Could get down mine, you know.

Geographically, David, that's lower.

Or the Mariana Trench.

You could go underneath the sea.

Yep.

But I'm scared of the sea.

You should be.

It's a wild mistress.

Whenever I was on scene.

I have a wild mistress, but anyway, sorry.

No, no, go back to that one, David.

You know about my affair.

No.

You know about my affair.

Which one?

Listen, I got lots of student rentals.

I got a nice house.

I'm going to have a mistress, aren't I?

Look at that.

Look at the way I did that truck.

Everything in there.

Piled in.

You think women don't find that attractive?

I don't think so.

David, they've been all over you since you were the Tetris champion in 1984.

I'm glad you remember that.

Oh, I do.

I was raging that I came in second.

You know, I cried into my Burger King meal that day.

Well, we can't all be winners.

We can't all have a wife, a mistress and a couple of student rentals.

Welcome.

Back to Dunbracken.

Right, check it out, right?

I painted it black.

Put in a massive TV.

A couple of leather chairs.

And a PlayStation.

Oh, original.

Didn't see that because it was black also.

I like that everything's black.

Uh -huh.

Check out the sound system.

Oh, that's big.

It's big.

That's massive.

Is that stereo?

All the stereo you can get.

I'll probably get blown away from, like, the TV.

Yeah, it's going to be, like, a game changer.

Yeah.

As far as I'm concerned.

Yeah, do you think this is what will get Melissa to take you back?

Big time.

Big time.

This is it.

I've moved to the big leagues now.

Yeah.

A basement in your friend's house?

Well, here, hold on.

What are you laughing about?

I'm serious.

I'm dead serious here.

No, I know.

I'm just...

This is important to me.

No, I'm sorry.

I was being facetious.

I didn't mean to be.

All right.

Sorry.

What do you think, though, lads?

Melissa, what do you think she's going to say?

She's going to be like, oh, you're the man for me?

You're the man for me again?

Again, yeah.

Let's have another child?

Yeah, exactly.

Well, I mean...

If she wants.

I'm very much wanting to support her.

I know, because I was playing her in that situation and that was her decision in that situation.

Okay, well, if it's what she wants, because this time around I'm going to do everything right.

Yeah, this time.

I'm going to support her.

That's a, what a mission statement for a marriage.

Yeah.

So I'm thinking this here man cave.

Oh, it's a good name.

Here.

My man cave would be like, Melissa, look.

When you get annoyed at me, I've got somewhere to go.

I'll just go to Stevie's house, and I'll go to his basement.

Exactly.

You're always welcome here.

Glad to have the company, to be honest.

I've been a bit lonely.

You're a good friend, Stevie.

Well, you guys are my best friends.

We are best friends.

Sorry, I didn't want to speak for you, Jake.

Of course we are, but let's not get emotional, lads.

Not in a man cave.

No tears in here!

That's why it's so dark.

Can't see you cry.

I think we've seen enough crying.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that, lads.

It's alright.

You let your emotions out.

Just not near us.

Do it in a healthy way.

Away from friends.

Stevie, do you and the boys need anything?

He's getting on okay down there.

Uh, no, I think we're alright.

Do we need anything else?

Do you have any of those, like, Volovon things that you had last week?

Uh, no, that was just...

Sorry, that was just left over from New Year's, and they were in the freezer, so you finished those off, but I appreciate that you like them.

They're from Iceland.

They were fantastic.

They were good, Melissa.

They were.

Thank you.

Oh my god, I just called your wife, Melissa.

Marion, sorry.

It's alright, I knew what you meant, don't worry.

Your wife's so good, she didn't even call Jake out on that.

Oh, you're a lucky man.

Well, you know what?

Not many wives would let their best friend stay in a basement and paint it black, but God bless her.

Build a full surrounding system and all.

Yeah, no, she's always a bit lonely lately, so you know.

So you build a man cave to stay away from her?

Hold on a minute.

You say you're lonely and she's lonely?

Yeah.

But you live in the same house together?

Yeah.

Don't understand.

You can be lonely around other people.

Well...

Is that because you have such a big family and all those kids that, like, it feels like you're alone all the time even though everyone's around you because they're all doing different things?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Sometimes it just feels like there's, like, another self inhabiting my body and I'm just sort of watching it from the outside.

Whoa.

Yeah.

But I think if we play a bit of FIFA, I'd feel better.

Now, that's what we're talking about.

Yeah.

Stevie lad.

Football stops emotions.

Deborah didn't think I could find the perfect car.

But here we are.

Well, I'm glad we finally got something.

We've been traipsed around these dealerships for months, it feels like now.

Because it has been months.

It has been months, but you have to have the perfect car.

And I think this is for me.

Okay.

It's...

Beautiful.

I never thought I'd get a sky blue car.

Yeah, but you said that when you got your cherry red car.

Aww.

That was a mood.

Yeah, and you thought it was your forever card.

It wasn't your forever card.

It was too saucy for me.

I'm just not a saucy lady.

I think you're a saucy lady.

Oh, Deborah, you're a saucy lady.

I don't want to be a saucy lady.

I just...

I just want to help my friend find her perfect car that will be her lifetime car forever until either the death of the car or the death of her, God forbid.

Those are two very, very bleak situations, Deborah.

I never thought that you would wish me dead.

No, no, Louise, I mean it in the, you know, the marriage sense.

Till death do you and this...

Sky blue car part.

I'm not marrying the car.

No, but you...

I'm going to drive it.

I've got places to go to and the groceries.

Oh my God, the groceries that come in ever since we got that fourth cat.

Yes, but you've been more determined and now rejoicing more about this car, the prospect of the car and now the discovery of the car.

than you ever have been about any one of your partners.

Well, Alan was a shit, really, wasn't he?

And Derek, well, the name itself is quite boring.

It was a tip -off, wasn't it, Deborah?

Well, yes, and at the time, I think you thought that they were the respective ones, as was the cherry red car.

Oh, she...

I just don't want you to break your own heart again.

Well, I could not keep up with the personality of that cherry red car.

I know it was too saucy, but you were saucy enough for it and you dyed it yourself.

Oh, I wish I could be that saucy.

On second thoughts, maybe sky blue isn't my colour this...

No, I think if you want it, if your heart's telling you that this is it now, now it might not be it forever, I just don't want you to, you know, be pulling me round car dealerships in another two to three years.

I'm not a one night stand or two or three year stand kind of lady.

I want, I want something to last like, you know, a bag for life.

I know, but you had the sunken cost fallacy about Derek.

You were with him for eight years too long, I'd say.

Well, it felt longer to be fair to you, but yes, I was.

I was, but if you're just going to go over my failures, I might as well go...

No, I'm not trying to do that.

And I'm sorry.

You got excited about the car.

I'm just a little tired.

We've been around a lot of dealerships many times.

And I think we walked past this car maybe six visits ago.

Do you need a matcha latte?

No, I think I've had too much matcha today, actually.

Six is a lot, but I would have thought with the toilet stops, we'd be grand.

Yeah, I just...

I've switched from caffeine to more of a matcha thing and...

I don't know.

Maybe it's just my own chemistry is just a little off today, you know?

Oh, Deborah, what's wrong?

The matcha lattes, Louise.

Is it nothing deeper than the matcha lattes?

I see the way that you look.

No, I think it is just that and the fatigue and seeing you get so made up about a new car that...

I just want you to be happy, Louise.

I am happy, and if you haven't noticed, I'm happiest whenever we're looking for cars together.

I...

Do you know, I really love being around you.

Thank you.

Especially.

Thank you.

And with your knowledge of motorcar colours, it just brings something special to my life.

It brings joy.

And, you know, it brings the hope that I can be as saucy as a cherry red car.

But you already were, and then you dated Derek, and it desauced you.

He was as dry as a Friday night kebab on Sunday.

Can I just say, I've been a car dealer for 27 years, and when I saw you two come in here, I thought, oh God.

It's those two women who just go over their relationship and they never buy any cars.

But hearing what you just said now, Louise, Deborah, I just thought it was so beautiful.

Thank you.

How long...

I'm sure friendship is hard.

Sometimes I know me and my friend Gary.

Hello.

He's...

Gary insists on coming to work with me.

He hasn't had a job in five years.

Don't need it?

He does need it.

But I say, what would a good friend do?

So I let Gary fill up the staplers.

We waste a lot of staples because he loves filling them up.

But I do it because he's my friend.

And thanks for that.

No problem, Gary.

And for what it's worth, sometimes a Friday night takeaway on a Sunday tickles me in the tummy.

I'll let you get back to your conversation.

Gary?

Yeah?

Would you like to go get a matcha latte?

I'm going to keep you stropping.

Oh, okay.

Watch him, though.

Would you watch him for me?

I mean, can he do a deal on the car for us?

Oh, no, Gary.

Gary, what will you do the sky blue citron for?

Gary, you're not allowed to do the cars.

You do them too cheap, and it's getting me in trouble.

It says six grand, but I think me and Louise are thinking a bit more like...

Three.

Five hundred pounds.

Oh, that's better.

Jesus fucking Christ.

If it's cash in hand, I can tell you where we keep the keys.

I think maybe you actually go a wee bit too deep sometimes.

Do you know what I mean?

You see, this is the thing.

I'm not deep, but the person...

That's inhabiting my body.

They're deep and it's tough to watch.

You've got a little emotional person who takes over your body anytime you're sad.

It feels like the emotional person is the big person.

I'm just the small one.

Well, that is an interesting philosophical debate as to what masculinity is then.

Are you bigger or smaller just because you let emotions out?

Stevie, we don't have any volvons.

Tell the boys that I have profiteroles.

And I have vegetable spring rolls, but they are vegetable.

That's tight, Marianne.

That's great.

That's better for you.

It has a reflux.

Do a bit of sliced ham or something just to balance out.

Bit of sliced ham.

Bit of color in this room, you know.

Not that it's not good within the black.

I'm not making a baked ham for you boys.

Oh, come on.

I'm not making a honey glazed ham.

Marion.

Marion.

Marion.

I'm going to make one for you.

Oh, you're a legend yourself.

Marion, you're so good to us.

Sound your wife's sound.

She is.

I mean, she painted us a whole room.

You know what?

Like, you should pay more attention to her because...

You might lose her and end up like me.

And me.

Alone.

As I said, you can be alone with others.

That's true, you're already - You don't need to lose your wife to be alone.

Do you already feel alone with your wife?

Sometimes.

That's tough.

Even when she's making you a sweet glazed ham.

Sometimes it just feels like we're going through the motions.

Maybe it's because there's too many people inside of you and, you know, like, she doesn't know how to connect because there's a little you and a big you and she gets confused.

So many yous vying for you.

Yeah, no, I get that.

Too many yous.

So she has to fit in somewhere with vying for the control of all the yous.

You can't have more than one.

Too many.

There's too many, Steve.

I hear what you're saying.

Do you know what I'm saying?

let the big me that runs the household and looks after the kids run free and the small me should disappear.

Yeah, I think you need to kill small you.

I think so too.

Kill small Steve.

Brian.

Not like your kid Steve.

Kill small you Steve.

No, Stevie Junior.

Stevie Junior's a kick -ass cool kid.

Yeah, got a scholarship.

Did he?

Yeah.

For what?

Football.

Wow.

Yeah, congrats to him.

That's class.

Fair play to the lad.

Doesn't get it from me.

I hope he doesn't break his leg and have a career -ending injury before his career even begins.

I hope he doesn't eat some bad chicken and end up with septicemia and dysentery.

Do you know what I mean?

That would be a disaster.

That would be awful.

That would be bad.

I hope he doesn't have a heart attack on the pitch and there's no thing to jolt start your house.

I hope he doesn't die.

You see...

Big Stevie doesn't think about that.

Small Stevie stays awake at night about that.

That's it.

Gotta go to small Stevie.

You know what?

All the lads, we could just go out sometime.

Out, out, lads, let's go.

Kill small Stevie and then have a night on the town.

On the town.

Brian needs a night out, don't you, Brian?

Brian does.

I do need a night out, yeah.

I've been so alone that I start to make myself feel more surrounded by people.

I've started using my name in third person to be like, oh, how you feeling, Brian?

Thanks for asking, Brian, you know?

I do know.

Sorry, no emotions.

Jake knows.

Stevie, I put that ham on.

I'm just going to leave it on for a wee bit, but I'm on my way over to Melissa's here.

Sorry.

What?

I'm on my way over to Melissa's here.

Of course.

So, just keep an eye on it.

Should we come, Maria?

Yeah, Maria.

We'll come.

No, no, no.

It's okay.

Sorry, I shouldn't have said that.

Maria, Maria, Maria.

Just give her a message.

I've been invaded by men.

Anyway, I'm way on here.

Tell her we're on a lad's night out.

How about that?

Well, no, wait.

Tell her.

Just say, I'm gonna listen better next time.

Aye.

Tell her that.

I think she's gone already.

Oh, gosh.

Also, I can't go on a night out tonight.

I'm looking after the kids now.

But they're fine.

No.

Really?

You think if you leave them alone, Stevie's gonna die and...

Stevie will be fine, but, you know, he's at football practice, so he can't look after the wee ones.

Who's picking him up?

Oh, he drives now.

Yeah, yeah.

He's all grown up now.

It's just that Erica's struggling with schoolwork, you know.

Oh.

Yeah.

Why don't we bring little Erica down here and teach him the ways of life?

Erica.

Oh, why don't we bring little Erica down here and teach her the ways of life?

That sounds...

A bit dark for reading here.

Well, she doesn't need to read.

She needs to learn.

You know, very different things.

We can teach her all about how it's important to kill off the weaker parts of yourself so then you can't let anyone in to break your heart.

What part of yourself do you need to kill off, Brian?

The one who goes too much into hard mushrooms.

What?

The one who does too many shrooms, that's the one I'm going to kill off.

I don't like that one either.

Yeah, he gets too philosophical.

The philosophy is fine, it's just you get really vicious about getting your car keys back.

Oh my gosh, yeah.

If I know where they are, then I won't have to worry about them.

You get really obsessed with your car keys.

They're just keys.

You get aggressive, and I mean, I'm not blaming you for my football career ending injury, but...

Well...

He put his car keys through your kneecap like that was...

I keyed you.

I keyed you.

I keyed you.

It's a classic move.

Classic Brian move.

I do think I should have just given you the car keys that day.

Yeah, that's what I said to everyone.

You were to know he had already mainlined a lot of shrooms.

Oh, I knew.

So many shrooms.

Yeah.

That's why I had the car keys.

Now, anytime anyone has my keys, they just give me them right away because they're like, I don't want to have a career -ended injury.

Like, what are you, a chef?

I will key your hands and you'll never be able to perform chefery again.

You're the key man.

I'm the key man.

Brian the key man.

Deadly with keys.

Ah, because I don't even want to drive.

I just need them for the shrooms.

You didn't even...

Oh, what?

I need them to snort the shrooms off.

I thought you were going to drive.

No, no.

Can you drive?

No.

That's my house keys.

There's no crying here, right?

No, no crying.

I'm going to be back in a week.

Thirsty.

Can you check on the glazed ham?

Yeah.

Oh, God, yeah.

I'll definitely take some of that ham.

Oh, it'd be great.

Listen, proprietor, I need a match a latte, quick.

I've just run across the road for this because I'm really thirsty, but I think my friend and associate, Gary, is about to sell a car for 500...

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, for him.

What?

Good for him.

He needed a job.

How do you know about Gary and his unemployment?

I watch from across the road every day.

I thought I was the one watching, but you were watching the watcher.

I was watching the watcher.

It's just nice to see.

Can I have my coffee?

Sorry.

Yeah, sorry.

Sir, could I get a matcha latte and can I get £500 cash back on that, please?

No, I was first.

I need a matcha now.

I have a matcha here ready to go.

That's me.

My matcha.

Wait, you forgot your cash bag.

Oh, I'll take the cash bag.

Thank you so much.

Okay, here you go.

Thank you.

Okay, quick, back to the leadership.

It appears we're at an impasse.

Oh, I see.

You already gave him the cash.

Here's the keys.

Thank you so much.

What the fuck, Gary?

I've only ever shown you friendship and patience.

And I appreciate it.

And I got you a sale.

Do you ever wonder?

I'm not even asking for permission.

Do you ever wonder if you're a good friend to me?

Deborah, you are the best friend I could ever have and you know why I love you.

Because you're a cheap bitch and I love that about you.

Louise, I appreciate all that you've said to me today and I really hope this car is the one for you.

But I think I'm going to go back to Gary and give him a tip.

He was a good man and he did a good deal for us.

He did a brilliant deal for us, but we're going out Friday.

I'll give him a tip monetarily.

We're going out for dinner and I'll give him a tip monetarily then, but you can come if you want.

Oh.

I kind of assumed I was going to be there.

Can I come?

No.

Well, hold on.

Can you cover me?

I don't want to seem cheap.

I've no money, Gary.

You sold my last car for £500.

I'm going to have to shut it down.

That means you have £500.

I'm going to use this to buy a first class ticket out of here and away from you because you've been a horrible friend.

What?

You've been a horrible friend.

I didn't think I was.

You fucking are.

This is the first time I'm hearing about this.

This is the first time you've heard?

Yeah, you've never said a word.

Well, it's because I've been so patient.

I appreciate that.

Oh, that's great.

You appreciate it.

Appreciate this.

You're walking away.

So, um, what part of me should I kill off?

Because I'm a bit torn.

Is there a few options or should I just start picking at it?

There are, I mean, should I kill off, you know, the guy who just, like, walks around with his shoulders, like, looking cool?

No, that's a pretty good one.

Okay.

Keep him.

Yeah, it's good.

I have two suggestions.

Okay.

I don't think you should kill off the one who needs Melissa, but I think you should kill off the one who craves Melissa.

Whoa.

Or the other way around.

You can do whichever.

I crave her so much.

Right, so then kill off the need for her, and then it just becomes a whole lust thing.

I need her as well.

Oh, God, this is tough.

Crave or need?

When I think of Melissa, like, in a craving sense.

Aye.

I just want to sing to her, you know?

Oh, you want to go back into high school?

Yeah, like I want to do, like, Melissa, I love you.

Oh, you should grin to her.

It's embarrassing.

No, no, it's beautiful.

You know, if there's someone out there that you can grin to, you should grin to them.

I know, but maybe it's not practical.

Maybe I need a neater.

Like, Melissa, you couldn't do me a favour and take these T -shirts and give them a wee iron?

Oh, God.

I am a conflicted man.

It's tough.

There's no doubt.

No.

But you know what?

Instead of a lad's night out, instead of a lad's, lad's, lad's, how about we go and disrupt the woman's night and you sing to her or just ask her to iron your shirt, whichever you feel in the moment's right.

I just don't know.

Whatever love speaks through you.

She's such a good woman.

Great woman.

Am I enough for her?

Parts of you are.

Oh, to be one whole man.

Oh, it's an impossible feat.

Too hard.

Women have it easy.

Aye, they're one man right off the bat.

Men have it so hard.

So many complexities within the man.

The man is complex.

Do you ever see that picture of Da Vinci?

Where he's like five -limbed?

A lot of Da Vinci's in there.

A pile of Da Vinci's, aye.

He's too many.

Too many Da Vinci's, that's what I feel like.

Like I'm upside down, but I'm still the right way up.

This is it, like I'm spinning.

Yeah, you're lost in a little box.

It's like you're tied in a circus and someone's throwing knives at you.

Da Vinci, Da Vinci, Da Vinci, which one do you want?

It's intense to be a man.

It's so hard sometimes.

It's like, uh, do you ever see those magic eye pictures?

Aye.

So that's what it's like to be a man.

Like a magic eye.

You're looking at one thing.

But it's never there.

It's never there.

Elusive.

The elusive man that I am.

The elusive man.

That's what Melissa wants, but she can't get you.

She can't reach.

She can't reach you.

She can look and stare for a long time and adjust her focus and still move.

She's almost there.

Almost.

Maybe she thinks she needs glasses to perceive you fully, but...

And other people are like...

But I can see him.

I can see him.

Just look from the side.

She's like, no.

No.

No, I need to perceive him in the right, correct way.

And there I am spinning around like an Italian madman.

Da Vinci.

Da Vinci, look at me.

I have a flying machine.

But at what cost?

I'm soaring so high.

But I'm never getting my feet on the ground.

Brian.

Hey, guys.

All right, Stephen.

We were just talking about FIFA there.

FIFA there.

I'm going to play as Liverpool.

I thought Erica was looking to have her PlayStation back.

But she has to learn.

She did her homework.

She gets to play Astro Bot.

All right.

Is she coming down here or is she taking it?

Well, I...

Can she come down and bring the hand down?

I'd rather she didn't come down here.

What about those vegetable things?

Were they rolls?

Samosas?

Something's being made that's green.

Give me it.

I've had a tough day and I don't appreciate you shouting at me.

You know what?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

You're right, Stevie.

No, no, no.

Have you killed your...

little self yet.

Because you don't have to do it.

Michael, you know the way we sit and watch all those friends across the road?

Do you think we'll ever be friends like that?

What did you say?

Does it matter, Michael?

I'll eat £500 worth of matcha latte.

I need you to throw it at those three individuals in my car dealership.

I'm on it.

Michael, you stay reading your phone.

Hmm?

It doesn't matter.

Alright.

Hey.

That's my friend Michael.

Doesn't seem like a friend.

What?

Doesn't seem like a friend and I wouldn't know.

He's busy reading Reddit.

Back to Dunbracken is produced and edited by me, Conleth McVeigh.

This episode featured Patrick Meyer, Laura Conlon, Amelia Price, Niall McKenna, Jane McKeever, and Claire Thompson.

The opening and closing credits were created by Connor Mallon, and you can check out his entire album Unearthed on Spotify now.

Thank you for listening.

We look forward to welcoming you back to Dunbracken very soon.