Tanya Gill: Hey, oh my friends, I am so glad that you are here.

So for the last two weeks, we have listened to some interesting information and different ways and insights to understanding men, their emotional well being and their mental health.

And I was lucky enough to have Dr.

Peter Kellett on those previous two shows.

Now the other part about Dr.

Peter Kellett is that he's also my husband.

And today, what I want to talk to you about is different kinds of mindsets that we can have that can help us reflect rebell reinvent and reconnect.

And the reason I want to share this with you is quite funny.

Because a couple of weeks ago, Peter and I were at the dog park like we usually are every morning taking Wally and Maggie for a walk.

And as we pulled up, our dogs got very excited in the backseat, and there was a couple there who had another dog, and the dog came up beside the car.

And as I got out of the car, Maggie and Wally jumped out and toward that dog.

And normally Maggie and Wally would be in play hard mode, but things got a little tussle Lee and we ended up having to pull them apart.

And I felt horrible.

The gentleman grabbed the dog and walked it to the vehicle.

And I stood with this lovely lady, and I was horrified.

I was so apologetic.

And I said I'm so sorry.

You know, like I am so sorry, is your dog, okay?

At which point she said, Well, actually, it's not our dog, it's our daughter's dog, then, of course, I was even more concerned because they were caregiving for a grand pop.

And you know, they were probably worried about getting in trouble.

Anyway, as the story of my life goes, I'm just really lucky because people chat with me.

And so this lovely lady and I chatted for a couple of minutes.

And she shared that they were actually from France, but they were down because their daughter was having a child.

And we just talked for a couple of minutes.

And I asked if I could give them my phone number so that if there was a situation or problem with the dog that their daughter could get in touch with us, and we took a quick selfie.

And and you know, they were kind of on their way.

So anyway, I ended up texting them and saying thank you, you know, for being so gracious and inviting them for dinner.

Now I have to tell you, I didn't just out of the blue, invite them for dinner, I had a conversation with Peter first.

And this is something that I have to tell you, I've never done before, very much out of my wheelhouse of comfort.

And at the same time, there was a part of me that was like, why not?

They were lovely people for the short couple of minutes we chatted, they're not from here.

So I thought they might have some interesting stories, we both have to eat at different points.

And I just thought it would be an adventure.

When I presented it to Peter, he was a little more reluctant because he's a little more conservative than I am.

And I have to say it was out of my comfort zone.

So I know that it was very out of his comfort zone.

But we agreed that we would invite them to meet us for dinner, not to our home, because you know, you never know how crazy and weird things could get.

And just take a chance.

So I sent them a text.

And it turned out that they had to cancel on us because their granddaughter was being born.

And so I was very, very excited for them said congratulations and thought well, this might also be their out.

So I said if you come back to town, and you're still available and would like to meet for dinner, just reach out.

Sure enough, they did reach out.

And they sent us a picture of the beautiful baby that was new to their family.

And they said we're back in town.

And if you'd still like to get together for dinner, let's do it.

So there we were, we met for dinner to pretty much complete strangers.

And it was such a beautiful experience.

And when I reflect really on what it was that made that awesome experience what it was, it really was about different kinds of mindsets going in.

And so I thought you know what, I want to talk to you guys about your mindset and about our mindset and encourage you to consider what it's like to step just a little bit out of your comfort zone.

Because here's the thing, the first mindset that really has to be in place in order for me personally to have been able to invite total strangers for dinner is letting go of perfection and You know, as I guess, have aged, I'm 49 now.

And as I have grown and moved into this place of trusting myself, I've realized that for me, and for most of us, it's way more beneficial to feel whole than to feel perfect.

To feel proud of ourselves for trying, instead of going well, I'm not going to do it perfect.

So I'm just not going to do it.

And you know what, it kind of comes down to this, I'd rather be a hot mess of possibilities than perfect.

So, you know, the beauty of life, my friend, comes from that boldness, it comes from stepping in, and an art being on the sidelines, but going, I'm gonna go for it, it's not going to be perfect, I'm gonna learn some things.

And realizing that there is some pretty cool things that can come from imperfection and second chances.

Letting go of perfection, that mindset of letting go of perfection allows you to move into a space of curiosity.

And, you know, I think that we might start to learn with that curiosity, that there's a lot more to be gained from saying, What if instead of just a blank, no, and not giving things a try?

Now, the other mindset, that is a big one, when it comes to stepping out of your comfort zone, taking chances, doing things and growing, is collecting evidence.

And this is really about giving yourself credit for where you are in your life.

And I think it's hilarious because when I think of that, I automatically go to the Barbie movie.

And when they are giving away the prizes, when they are announcing the president.

The women are unabashedly and proudly saying, hell yeah, I did.

Okay, they don't say hell yeah, I did.

But they own it, right.

And it's that process of collecting evidence and giving yourself credit in life.

Instead of focusing on the negative, it's noticing the proof of your striving and your becoming and the growth that is happening.

And your the way that you're showing up for yourself.

I, you know, I have a friend who is going through a divorce right now.

And at the beginning of November, she was still living in the same home as her former partner.

Since that time, she has moved several times she has had to get, she has had to downsize things, she's had to keep going through work, she's navigated challenges with parental health, she's navigated a lot.

And yet, I had the pleasure and privilege of visiting her in her new space that is hers that she has created for herself and by herself over the past few months.

And collecting evidence is just that it's not focusing on how much further we have to go.

It's noticing how far we've come and collecting that proof that because we're showing up for ourselves, and because we are growing, we can be happier and more peaceful.

And you know, that's also about choosing forgiveness over regret.

And it's trading good enough for awesome, it's saying this is what I deserve.

And really it's about no longer being okay with a version of yourself.

That doesn't serve your highest good because collecting evidence is that space of saying this is what I'm doing to grow for me.

Okay, so the third mindset first mindset let go of perfection, second mindset collect evidence.

Third mindset is saying no.

Now here's the thing I know that I already said that, you know, we want to be able to say yes, and what if instead of No, but there are times when saying no.

is about saying more than just doing something for someone?

And you know, for me, it's a hard No, if you're going to treat me or others poorly.

It's a hard no if your words don't match with your actions.

It's a hard no if you want to play games rather than be up front, these are the kinds of hard nose that can apply to anything.

And when you get clear about your hard nose, then you actually open up space for what you are yes to.

It's a hard No, if you only want me on your terms, and it's a hard No, if you want to be an energy vampire, rather than a torchbearer.

And for sure, it is a hard No, if you want to bring the drama, I will watch drama and observe it.

But I like to have a remote where I can shut it off, because I will consume it only through my choice.

And usually that is, well, actually Netflix.

So consider what you are saying no to.

And maybe it's not as simple as I'm saying no to being on the parent teacher Council this year, perhaps instead, it's I'm saying no to something that doesn't align and being clear about that.

So I said I was gonna give you five mindset tips.

And I've given you three, let go of perfection, collect evidence and say no.

And then the fourth one, my friend is be misunderstood.

And the reason I say this is because I've had conversations with many clients who have said they just don't understand me.

And not everyone is going to understand you.

But you have to understand yourself, that people see you through their lens of reality.

And their lens may be one of curiosity or excitement or possibility.

But usually when you feel misunderstood, it's because it's their fear and insecurity or their own deja or inner critic, supported by their cultural stew, their staff that creates that misunderstanding.

If you are misunderstood, hear me clearly it's okay.

If you're too much for them, it's okay.

If you're too fat for them too thin for them too smart or too dumb, too loud or too quiet.

That is their reality.

And it is okay.

It's not your job to justify your existence, or explain yourself on a repeated basis, you have to remember that they being misunderstood means that they are seeing you through their lens of reality.

And your job is to be you.

So being misunderstood, my friend is actually sometimes a gift.

When someone misunderstands you, it's an opportunity to open for connection, or it's an opportunity for you to understand that they're just coming from a different place.

And it's especially important to understand that when we feel misunderstood, it can often happen because of emotion, because of experience through life because of trauma.

And for us if we want to make a meaningful connection, and clear that misunderstanding, it's that fifth element or that fifth, the mindset that I want to share with you that's going to make the difference.

The fifth mindset, my friend is connect.

Connecting is the most powerful way to really truly set mindset in motion, connecting with yourself and also others.

Seeing and being seen is the essence of connection.

Humans need one another.

That's why we're here.

We need one another to survive physically, mentally, and emotionally.

We need to connect with one another in order to truly thrive.

And so connection is through voice.

Right now.

We use connection through text message a lot and then guess what happens?

We become misunderstood.

Right?

But connection is such a powerful thing.

So here's where I come back to it.

When I got out of the car that day, and dealt with separating those two dogs, three dogs, and talked to this very, very gracious woman who allowed for space for conversation.

I actually He was in the front end steps of making a friend.

And at that moment, I didn't know I was going to make a friend.

But I can now say that I have made a friend.

Because we made the effort to connect, we made the effort to understand one another.

We made the effort to say no, had there been something that wasn't aligned, we would have probably dealt with it.

But we were fortunate that things were very aligned.

And we said yes to an opportunity.

You know, we did actually collect evidence around giving ourselves credit in life, I have to say that when our waiter walked up to the table, I'm like, so you need to know, we are two sets of strangers having dinner for the first time, we don't actually know one another.

So this is going to be an adventure.

Let's see what happens.

And you know what, that's just kind of showing up.

And having fun, being curious, enjoying life, and giving each other the opportunity to see life through one another's lenses.

And again, none of this would have happened, if I or they had been in a space of perfectionism.

Letting go of perfectionism was the key mindset in all of this because it was like, well, we've got to deal with some dog issues, and let's make the best of it.

And clearly, my dogs and your dog are not going to be buddies.

But let's do something bold.

Let's go for dinner.

Let's make a friend.

So keeping all of your awesome in mind, the five mindsets for happiness are really truly letting go of perfection, collecting evidence, saying no, not just to doing things, but to things that don't align with you.

Allowing yourself to be misunderstood.

And of course, connecting my friends.

This is what it is to be a self love Rebel, and I have to share a little bit of news.

I've been working on an amazing journal called self love rebel, a modern women's journal, and it is right now in the copy editing process.

And I'm very excited to share it with you soon.

But until then, focus on your mindsets make the most of life be curious, enjoy.

You are proof of striving and becoming end of growth.

Go out there and make the most of your life my friend.

Go ahead and shine from the bottom of my heart.

Thanks for listening, and I'll talk to you next week.

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That's what we do.

I'll talk to you next week.