My name's Will.

And my name's Steve.

You haven't got time to read War and Peace.

Even if it is one of the greatest novels of all time.

587,000 words 612 grams That's the weight of the book 500 characters 361 chapters 3 volumes 2 epilogues and a collection of maps We're going to summarise all of it for you This is War and Peace in just 7 years I have pressed the magic button.

Wonderful.

We don't have enough songs, do we, in this show?

We don't.

Made up live.

Maybe we should sing one of the future seasons.

We should sing the whole thing.

There must have been, or there has been a War and Peace musical.

We've talked about it.

Oh, we need to check in when we're able to watch that.

Maybe it covers the whole, it doesn't cover the whole book.

No, it's just the last book.

Yeah, it's just the last one with the, yeah, we must have talked about it in that that season we have so don't talk about it now I remember looking up actually and it was only on show in Melbourne in Australia.

It's going to take a while to get there.

We'll have to wait until it hits on in London.

We'll go.

We'll go.

Or if it's on Netflix.

Hello, everyone.

Sorry, we're just planning a holiday.

Hi there.

Welcome to the show.

Welcome to episode four, season 10.

Yes, we're here now.

We're doing our new production method where we just keep talking.

Just keep talking.

Just keep talking.

Never edit.

Never edit.

No mistakes.

Everything comes out as soon as we say it.

Perfect.

And the second we finish, we just press spacebar and it's in the ether.

Which is why when I ask Will this question and it all goes wrong.

That's just something we all have to accept and accept and be pleased about.

Yes.

Will.

Yes.

What happened last episode?

I

do know.

It was letters.

It was a classic lettering.

It was take letter to place,

get letter back, like one of those really dull games.

Bring letter, put letter, take letter.

Receive letter, pause for new letter information.

Winner.

You have successfully completed letter.

Letter game.

Yeah, it was just letters.

The reason for the letters, it was Alpatic.

Yes.

Nasty Nick's top boy.

Top letter man.

Top dog.

Top dog letter boy.

Because the reason he was sent is that the war

is very close to Nasty Nick's house

and he's kind of lost his mind and he's sleeping in the bread bin.

He wrote a sort of, yeah, he's sleeping all around the house.

He wrote a sort of like final remarks.

He seems sickly and...

Not with it.

Dying.

And I think this was all

set up behind the scenes from the family and stuff to be like, maybe

go

checkout

what the deal is to see if we should all leave.

But he went to Smolensk.

He went there and it wasn't good because it was all bombed quite a lot and set on fire.

Yes.

And he stayed in the house with, I think, a psychopath.

A psychopath.

Yeah.

And, you know, it's unclear if he killed someone or not.

A friend.

Yeah.

A friend.

Oh, he's a very odd man.

He liked the fields.

And abusive as well.

Oh, his friend was abusive.

Awful.

Yes, his friend was.

That's what I mean.

There's something to do with the fields of oats or something.

He liked

fields of oats and I would like to say this again that his friend really gave russian santa a bad name

well let's see if we can do something positive and it ended with just everything on fire and he headed back yeah well there you go so sometimes that's that's just what happens sometimes when you deliver post cookie crumbles well i'm happy with that i'm happy with that nine out of ten let's do the reading on words Will, as per the new methodology, I have got my quotes pre-prepared, ready to read out.

Are you prepared with something to talk about?

Yeah, obviously.

Do you want a quote, though, just to fill some time?

No, because look, it's just about the speed of mobile internet.

Russian post is an actionary object.

Yep.

The unreaped corn was scorched and shed its grain.

Russian Post employs about 390,000 people and has over 42,000 post offices.

You're just going to read out numbers, are you, from the first result?

Look, I'll be honest.

I did forget the new

rule about having something prepared.

Would you like to do a quote?

In the regiment, they called him our prince.

They were proud of him and they loved him oh it's not loading something people would say about your prep it's fine because what i'm gonna look at is some really interesting historical facts about the russian postal service around the time of war and peace but whilst i'm loading it up do a quote there's not gonna be time for any facts look i'll get one they marched with handkerchiefs tied over their noses and mouths all the russian post offices in the ottoman empire were a set of post offices operated by russia in various cities of the ottoman empire from the late 18th century that felt like i was stuck in a loop do a quote is that all you've got everywhere there was nothing is loading healthy white muscular flesh oh gross that's what's there that's what there was

for some reason i made me think of like a battery farm chickens

yes maybe that's horrible maybe this episode is set in a battery farm

i'll be honest oh something has loaded up but i don't think it's It's very interesting, to be honest.

At what point ever is looking at the history of post offices going to be funny or interesting?

With that kind of preparation, never.

Am I to let the troops have the oats and to take receipt for them?

We still have 600 quarters left, Will.

You've got nothing left, my friend.

I've got nada.

Other than someone I look up to is, of course, the historian John Hislop, who once called the postal roads

of the Inca Empire South America's largest contiguous archaeological remain.

Look, I'll put my hands up there.

That wasn't my best.

We said there would be some teething problems.

I didn't know all of Will's teeth would fall out on the floor and be crushed by a steamroller.

Brutal.

It's difficult to accept criticism because because I'm biologically incapable of doing so.

But I do think the show suffered for that.

It was the worst reading I've ever been part of.

That's not true.

And you should be ashamed.

That's not true.

It's certainly down there.

Let's move on from that sad period.

Let's move on from that utterly embarrassing disgrace.

You might feel like running away right now, probably will.

No.

No.

Okay.

Well, that would have been a good segue.

Oh, okay.

I see what you're doing there.

I should have said yes.

Ask me a question.

Go on.

Steve, I feel like running away.

Do you?

Do

you?

Tell us what happened in

the book.

Well, we're starting in...

absolutely classic war and peace style this week um by running away oh it's a retreat yes a retreat a small retreat we're running running running running running running running away on the on the 10th of august the regiment prince andrew commanded was marching along the high road past the avenue leading to the bald hills will so we're running away from smolensk We've got Prince Andrew.

Yep.

We're on the way to the Bald Hills.

Run, run, run, baby.

As predicted.

If only we hadn't read that chapter telling us everything about the past, which this is.

Because we'd

be

like, what a silly idea.

But it's a perfect idea.

We know exactly what's going to happen.

Because of doing it, they'll win.

Yes, we do know that.

But we don't know.

It's important how we get there.

It

is.

It's not just the destination.

It's the journey sometimes.

It's not the fruit you eat.

It's the shop.

You shop at.

Yes.

I mean, look, if you're going to work, it's not just about getting to work.

What if on the way you were on fire?

Then it would be memorable, wouldn't it?

The journey would matter more.

You'd have a real journey for the water cooler.

And a story.

A story, sorry.

You'd have a real journey for the water cooler moment.

So the bald hills, Will.

Yep, they are hilly and bald.

They're very bald this time.

It's so hot, actually, that they've gone the baldest you've ever seen.

Are they really?

Yes, it's very hot.

Oh, no.

And everything's bald with the heat.

In fact, why don't you close your eyes, Will?

Okay.

And listen.

and as you can close your eyes too we haven't done this in some time and if you're driving it won't be for long just close you might be only for a minute or two driving it's fine be a couple of minutes as long as it's allowed in your jurisdiction just go straight so keep breathing by the way heat and drought had continued for more than three weeks how much more More.

Each day, fleecy clouds floated across the sky, and that's the nicest bit you'll hear, and occasionally veiled the sun.

Occasionally.

Only occasionally.

Only every now and then.

But towards the evening, the sky cleared again and the sun set in reddish brown mist.

The unreaped corn was scorched and shed its grain.

Albertich will be livid.

Yeah, we don't.

He'll be distraught.

Was it corn or oats that he was into?

He was a big fan

of oats, but I imagine

he likes corn.

You like corn.

He'll be sad.

Corn!

The close cousin of oats.

All of his family could be killed in the war and he'd be like, uh-huh, yeah, no, that's a shame.

The corn?

Is the corn okay?

Because of the drought.

Keep your eyes closed.

I are closed.

We heard about the corn.

The marshes, Will, they've dried up.

Is there a name for dried marshes?

Fields.

Just a field, yes.

They've turned into fields.

Get some corn in that.

They'd be very muddy though, mud fields.

Dried, muddy field.

The cattle load from the hunger...

They're finding no food on the sun parched meadows.

They all dead then?

No, they're just lowed.

Okay, what does that mean?

I think their heads are lower.

Just sad.

They feel sad.

Hungry probably as well.

The only respite, other than that cloud I mentioned, are the heavy night dews.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

So you get a little bit of moisture at night.

Lick a leaf.

Lick a leaf and chill out.

Feeling fresh.

This is very apt.

We're going through a kind of heat wave in London for a similar amount of time.

I think in the interests of transparency and honesty, the heat wave has ended.

Has it?

That's what I heard.

The third one, though.

Sorry, this is great news.

We don't know if there's going to be another one, though.

No, I'm just saying I can empathize with those cows with their low heads.

Well, remember how it felt to be in London during the heat?

Like a cow.

You were like a cow.

I'll tell you what it was like in Russia.

And you can tell me if it was similar in London.

Thanks for explaining that so well.

Similar in London when we had that heat wave.

Okay.

The cows.

Yeah.

It's good for the cows at their statue.

It's good.

It's good news for them.

Well done to get back in.

That was exactly where we left off, by the way.

It's good news for the cows at their statue, but it's not such good news for all of those hundreds, possibly thousands, of marching soldiers.

Oh, because what?

They get their feet wet or whatever?

No, just because dew's not very helpful.

It's just not helpful.

If you're not a cow.

It's just, I hate this stuff.

They're marching on the road.

They're running away on the road.

Last thing they want is dew on the floor.

Good Lord, they don't need dew on the floor.

This is the last thing we need.

They need it in their bodies, maybe.

The road is hot, Will.

I'm not making this up.

I'm not exaggerating, okay?

But when I read this, I find it hard to understand, but this is true.

There is six inches of dust on the road.

Six inches of dust?

Half a foot.

Of dust.

I would never have known that, but that's just a lot.

That's like as tall as your hand.

You're in essentially a sandbox.

It's covered in dust everywhere.

A cat litter tray.

It's like that, but hotter.

Horrible.

Hotter, yeah.

And they're marching, Will.

they're marching through the heat, through this dust for their lives.

What's worse though, that

or the

London Underground in the heatwave?

How many inches of dust were there?

Well, that's why it's not comparable because very

little, low

levels of dust.

You wouldn't measure it in inches.

No, you wouldn't even measure it in millimetres.

Millie-inches.

Tiny inches.

But it's tough though, I'm just saying, we've all had our struggles.

That does seem too high, the number six inches, doesn't it?

Listen to this, there's more evidence.

The artist The artillery and baggage wagons moved noiselessly through the deep dust that rose to the very hubs of the wheels, Will.

So possibly more than six inches.

I think it's fair to say it's dusty.

The infantry sank ankle deep in that soft, choking hot dust that never cooled even at night, Will.

And I bet they haven't got respirators.

They haven't.

They haven't.

I think they've got little masks on occasionally.

Little neckerchiefs.

I think I read a quote actually about that.

Yeah, no, that would make sense.

Good.

Well done.

It's a river of dust.

It's basically just a river of sandy dust.

Their eyes, Will.

Full of dust.

Full of dust.

Hair.

Dusty.

Noses.

Dust.

I'd be surprised if that wasn't full of dust.

Shoes, probably.

They've got a lot of dust in them.

The dust is filling the lungs of men and beasts alike, Will.

Yeah, I doubt they had tape.

You know, masking tape or duct tape.

Because you'd want to tape

your trousers over your shoes.

Or you could tape your mouth and nose up as well.

To keep the dust out.

Keep it out, it's the only way.

There's so much dust, you can't see the sun.

Just so dusty.

Everyone is glowing like a huge crimson ball in the unclouded sky.

I was getting very much images of Dune while I was reading this.

Yeah, right.

Have you seen this film?

Yeah.

Because basically that film,

if you haven't seen it, it's just

loads of dust.

It's very, very dusty.

That's the vibe here.

There isn't a worm that I've noticed so far.

Because that would really solidify the comparison.

And then, Will, you're not going to believe this.

It would be very suspicious for the author of Dune.

What is it?

They put those silly things on and go, dum, dum.

Those little sound machines.

Yeah, the little boom box.

The thumpers settle down.

Yeah, and then the big worm comes up and they're like, woo!

The worm likes bass.

It looks good, but it is silly.

There's no wind, by the way.

None.

Oh, that's good, because of all the dust.

No wind?

No.

No wind, no problem.

No wind, no problem.

You'll be fine.

No wind at all.

Yeah.

It's hot, frankly to say.

It's dusty.

It's dusty.

It's never been anywhere.

Could I hazard a guess that Tolstoy really does explain the dust a lot?

If I'm explaining a lot, it's not because I like dust.

No, no.

It's because it's been explained extensively.

five to six times more than you're allowing it to be explained.

Many, many paragraphs were devoted to the dust.

Many, many words were given over to the dust.

I think you could have read them quicker than we've talked about them, but you wouldn't feel the same.

You'd feel dusty.

You'd feel dusty for sure.

Ah, you'd probably start itching.

Look, the point I'm trying to make is it's very dusty.

You've made it.

It's a hot, sad situation and they're running away from the smell.

That's a song lyric, isn't it?

It's a sad situation.

It's a hot, sad, dusty situation.

You sung it so weirdly, I've forgotten.

There's no way I could connect that to the real song now.

Well, anyway, Andy Pandey is in a way having a good influence Good time?

I don't know.

He's kind of engrossed.

He's captivated.

If that's good, it's kind of good for him.

Woo!

Dust!

Dust!

It's not quite like that, but he's happy to have something to do.

Do you remember how Andy Pandy was feeling last time?

Yeah,

but he's a very sad, lonely, desperately sad man.

Pretty sad man.

He

needs direction.

Yes, and he's got that.

And he loves dust.

He's giving orders.

He's receiving orders.

He's busy.

Hey, guys, have you seen all this dust?

What a treat!

He's trying to be chipper, sure.

Do you think he's trying to keep the mood up?

Keep the morale up.

This is like Nicky thought this ages ago, remember?

Even though the war's horrible, he's like, when you're in it, you just feel great because you don't have to worry about anything.

You just crack on, everything's done.

You get up, play in the dust.

Get shot, go to bed.

Bit of dust.

A bit more dust.

Tape over the mouth, go to bed, yeah.

Why do they hate the dew then?

Do you reckon it's because it makes the dust all gloopy?

I don't think they hate the dew.

It's just that there's not enough of it to quench them.

To wash the dust away.

It's only for the cows, really.

Because you imagine a cow can go around the whole field.

Lick everything.

But they've only got the road to lick, so it's not so good.

In

my mind, the cows are stood in a field and there's just sand up to their stomachs, up to their udders.

Yes, I think that's the right image.

But then there's a giant worm in the background.

So Andy Pandy, he's fully thrown himself into managing the life of his regiment, keeping them alive and given all this dust.

They call him their prince.

He is a prince.

They call him their prince.

That all checks out.

Our prince, they call him.

Our prince.

But his love and focus only very accurately extends to the people in his regiment.

Other than that, I hate everyone.

As soon as he came across a former acquaintance or anyone from the staff, he bristled up immediately and grew spiteful, ironical and contemptuous.

Threw handfuls of dust at them.

This is bad dust.

Frank, he probably does do it, but it doesn't make a difference because it's so dusty already.

I can't, I wouldn't even throw dust at you.

There'd be no point.

Because it's so dusty.

You're a waste of good dust.

I like dust as well.

Why is he so sad, Will?

Oh, there's so many.

I mean,

he's been sad for the whole...

He's been sad since we met him.

Yeah, it's just sad.

I think he was born sad.

He was sad.

Was he not happy for a bit when his wife died?

Wait.

Yeah.

Was he happy?

I think he was happy sort of when he was going to marry Natasha.

Yes, but then they had a fight.

I don't think he's ever been happy.

It doesn't really matter, but basically he hates everything about his former life.

If ever he's reminded of it through people that he meets or whatever, he feels angry.

I hate this.

His life before the dust makes him angry.

All I am now is a person who walks through dust.

He's still, I would say, quite depressed.

Significantly depressed.

He's a funky monkey.

If you want to put it in a sort of roundabout way, you could say he's some kind of funky...

I meant that he's

in a funk.

I realise that actually Funky Monkey sounds like he's very chipper and dancing.

We can call a spade a spade.

He's depressed.

He's a depressed monkey in dust.

We can call a spade a spade.

He's a depressed Funky Monkey.

He's very sad, yeah.

Everything's dark and gloomy to him, figuratively and literally because of all the dust.

He's annoyed, very annoyed that Smolensk was abandoned and exploded.

Yeah, and set on fire.

And his mouth's dry.

His mouth feels bad.

From all the dust.

The burning of Smolensk and its abandonment and made an epoch in his life.

So it's a real turning point for him.

I'm going to retreat so hard because of this.

He's also sad about the fact that his sick father, his sister and his son had to flee to Moscow, apparently, according to a letter he received.

I get the impression no one in the book likes Moscow.

It's not the main place back

then, is it?

I think it's pretty main, but...

He's not sad about the fact that they've gone to Moscow.

I hate Moscow.

Oh, God.

Boring.

It's because they've abandoned the house, right?

I get it.

He might not like Moscow, though.

He might not like it.

It's true.

Actually, I will give you that.

I don't like Moscow.

It's ambiguous why he doesn't like it.

Terrible post office.

He's also a bit sad that, as you said, his childhood home will no doubt be soon...

pillaged and covered in dust

yeah dusty set on fire blown up that giant giant who lives there he'll be blown

on tick on that would be a good scene though like the fall of tick on He wouldn't.

Would he fall?

Eventually, like a building.

He would, yes.

Crush the house.

Yeah, like the BFG, but he's throwing chairs or whatever, samovars at the soldiers.

Beautiful image.

Oh, such good memories of the Bald Hills, eh?

Such good memories.

Such good times that we had there.

I could write a book about them.

Well, could you say some of them?

Some of the good times that we all had there?

Well, oh, I don't.

I actually don't think the birth of Andy's...

child was a good memory because I'm pretty sure his wife died during

childbirth.

The other ones though, the times of the arguments and the meals.

Madame Bourrient.

There were lots of arguments.

Oh, what's written on Marianne's head.

Good times.

That's funny.

Mary, all the abuse she suffered from her father.

That's bad.

But then she met those very intense religious people.

That seemed fun for a bit, didn't it?

That was nice.

Nasty Nick with a garden.

He likes that.

It's very sad.

It's a nice...

I've got warm memories of it.

Oh, very exactly.

And it's so sad to think of what's happening now.

I think it's for the best if it's smashed a bit.

Okay.

Well, you're going to love this then.

You're going to love this chapter.

Well...

It was not what I was hoping would happen there, but I've written here the bald hills can't be left to the dust.

It can't be.

But maybe it can.

Maybe it should be smashed to bits.

Oh, you see what Tolstoy's doing with all the literal dust?

Yes.

Because we are all but dust.

We're becoming dust.

And everything will become dust.

And he's made it very literal because all the characters are covered in dust.

And will they emerge from the dust?

Will they?

Will we?

We all return to it regardless.

Who will we be when we emerge from the dust?

But a vent doesn't matter because you'll be dust.

But more dust.

And then it might take a while, but you'll just be dust again.

That's the summary of the book.

Yeah, that's the idea of this book.

But think of all the good stuff that is at the Bald Hills, though.

Is that new hovel for the servants?

Oh, yeah, that's cool.

They're digging a hole for them to live in.

That'll never get used.

That'll never get used.

There's Tickon.

Michael Ivanovich.

Yeah, Michael!

Oh, what happened to him?

Exactly.

So we've got to do something.

No, we've got to save it.

We've got to save it.

I'm not having Michael Ivanovich be executed and turned into dust.

He's the country's finest architect.

And what do you need to save one of the finest country homes in Russia?

Cannons.

A horse.

Horse.

We need a horse and a horse name for the horse.

Oh, we need a horse and a horse name.

I'm going to give you the only bit of information.

Okay.

The only mention of the horse.

Yes.

It never comes back.

We'll never use this name again.

It's perfect.

I'm going to give you the information.

I'd like to know what the name of the horse is.

Okay.

He was covered in dust.

Andy Pandy ordered his horse to be saddled.

Right.

and leaving his regiment on the march, rode to his father's estate where he had been born and spent his childhood.

I was expecting some description of the horse.

What kind of horse?

Not even the type of horse.

It's a horse that can be saddled.

Yeah, I mean, it's odd sometimes because he spent a thousand words talking about dust.

The people love horses.

Well, I can tell you something.

Dusty Springfield.

Very good.

Very good.

Thank you.

Well, we can take that.

We'll take that.

And we...

We will hold it.

We'll lock that in.

And we will immediately discard it because the horse, as I say...

Is dead.

Is fully dead.

No, I think he does right away, actually.

So maybe Dusty Springfield will come back.

Good luck, Dusty!

One thing we can deduce about Dusty Springfield is that it must be an incredibly fast horse because you know normally when you go places...

By horse.

For us to go to Smolensk and stuff, it took two chapters or three chapters.

Oh, it took...

I remember the time.

I think it took like four days.

Exactly.

And we've gone from the dusty road to the bald hills in that one sentence that I just read you.

God, they must have been just outside.

They must have just been off the road there.

Or Tolstoy ran out of space because he'd written about dust for ages.

I do think that Tolstoy's had a few...

Edits.

Edit management issues.

I bet his wife was like...

What are you doing talking about Dust?

Get him to the Bald Hills now.

You know what?

Something very interesting happens at the end of this chapter that you can't miss.

I promise you, it's not just about Dust.

No, it's not actually.

And you should keep listening.

So he rides off to Dusty Springfield.

On Dusty Springfield, he's immediately at home.

Quickest horse in the land.

Probably could have walked there.

And you know what, Will?

Some things have changed, unfortunately.

I'm sorry to say.

Is it burning rubble?

Well, let's see.

The Bald Hills that we knew and loved, that time, those things that happened.

That time Nasty Nick sneezed and shouted at Mary.

And he went to his bedroom.

That was nice.

And he slept under the Christmas tree.

That was lovely, wasn't it?

Lovely stuff.

Well, some things have changed now.

Those happy memories are all behind us.

They used to be, as you might remember, women chatting by the pond.

I forget there are always nameless people.

Ladies chatting.

Yeah, chatting as they beat their linen with wooden beetles.

Oh, that's strange.

Little figurines of the popular band, The Beatles.

Yeah, they've been famous for a long time, especially in Russia.

But there's no women anymore, Bill.

Will, sorry.

That's a great out.

It's a shame we don't do outtakes.

Who the hell is Bill?

I was thinking about The Beatles.

There's no women anymore, Bill.

One of the members of The Beatles called Bill, are they?

And you know what, Bill?

there's no linen either okay Jim there's barely any are they all dead?

no they're just not there they've gone somewhere else do you know what I was thinking of you know that scene in Gladiator where he runs home and he's like

oh I hope everyone's

alright and like spoiler they're on fire also quite a dusty film as well it is dusty that yeah it's not as bad as Gladiator but it is bad in many ways listen There's barely any pond, to be honest with you.

The French have taken the pond?

The washing wharf that the women used to use with the Beatles.

No.

Back on.

It's been...

destroyed.

It's floating in the middle of what's left of the pond.

Why are you destroying?

That's how we clean our clothes, guys.

It's not going to happen.

They're savages.

And they're dusty as well.

All this dust.

It gets worse, Will.

It's mental to blow that up.

You could use it if you're going to steal the house.

No, no.

It's like stealing someone's house and then we smash the washing machine.

I know, it's awful.

What about the keeper's lodge?

Smashed it up, obviously.

How is it?

Well, yes.

No one was at the stone entrance gates of the drive and the door stood open.

Grass.

Grass.

had already begun to grow on the garden paths.

Disgraceful.

Do you know what they said when they took that?

Finders keepers.

Well, and then they planted some grass seed and it started to grow.

Be a shame if nobody mowed the grass around here, eh?

Horses and calves were straying in the English park, apparently.

What's that?

The grass is overgrown.

That's what I can say about that.

Nasty Nick would be livid.

It gets worse.

I can't take Actually, not to, you know, correct you or anything, it doesn't sound that bad to start with.

Well, wait until you hear about the hothouse, Will.

Okay, they're all dead.

It's a sad sight in the hothouse, okay?

In the hothouse, some of the panes of glass are broken, Will.

Do you know how long it would take to fix that?

Minutes or possibly hours.

Yeah,

because it could be easy, but it could take ages, I don't know.

Don't know how you make glass back then.

This is something you can't, it probably was very expensive.

Yeah.

And it would take ages, actually.

And it would be a nightmare, actually.

It would be really annoying.

It's worse, Will.

This can't be undone because some of the trees that I assume were in the hothouse, they have been pushed from their

tubs.

Sir, we've found multiple, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.

They have pushed some of these trees out of their tubs.

These men must pay.

Must suffer.

Why would you push a tree out of its tub?

You stupid tree.

I don't know, Will, but the leaves What's wrong with the French, man?

Of course, because it's hot.

You're blaming the French, Will, but it might be even more shocking than that.

It might be.

Smurfs.

Andy Pandy called for Taras, the gardener.

Yeah, I remember him.

But no one replied.

They've got him.

Taurus the gardener, Will, is missing.

He's gone.

He's missing.

Aren't they all gone?

Well, certainly Taurus.

Taurus the gardener's missing.

How harsh is that, that the whole house have been told to escape because of the war?

And

he's like, obviously leave the gardener.

Obviously the gardener should stay.

What about the grass?

The grass by the gate.

Ridiculous.

Get him back.

The trees in the tubs.

What if they get lightly pushed?

And what about, Will...

What about the ornamental garden?

If Tarras isn't here, it won't be looked after properly.

Do you think it's fared fairly badly?

Yeah, I think it's a state.

Yes, I'm sorry to say, Will, it is in a state.

It doesn't matter if

Tarras is shot in the war when they get here.

It means the

ornamental

garden will be looked after.

Tarras would truly be ashamed of this because the fence, it's slightly broken.

And someone will...

Someone has stolen the plums.

Oh, God.

And there's 18 foxes living in the house.

They all live in the house wearing clothes.

Wearing human clothes.

Human clothes.

And writing letters.

Writing letters.

And they've started a small farm.

And a business.

And that's what's going on then.

And actually taking it very seriously.

No, well, it's even worse than foxes living in your house wearing your clothes.

The plums have been stolen.

Plums have been stolen or eaten.

I guess both.

There is a sign of life, however, other than the foxes.

There's an old deaf peasant sitting in the middle of the ornamental garden.

That sounds horrible.

Platting a bast shoe.

Okay.

Are they okay?

I don't know.

I can only assume not, given the devastation around them.

Yeah, they don't sound all right, but maybe that's a nice moment, I suppose.

What does it mean, all of this, Will?

I think it means that they've all gone.

oh okay yeah sure that's what it that it does mean and maybe they left in a hurry hence the the the shoving of a tree it could be that quick scarper push the tree over don't push the tree don't bring the tubs we haven't got time eat the plums the old deaf peasant is making a shoe out of bits of fiber uh the past is odd Prince Andrew, it's the first person he's seen, but Prince Andrew ignores him because he's pathetic and old, I assume.

It's something like that.

He ignores him, by the way, because he's not nice.

Because the people in the past who had power just are horrible.

I thought you were saying we know from the way he's behaving that the old deaf peasant is not nice.

No, I think it's just because people like Andy Pandy are horrible.

They don't have any respect for human life.

It sounds probable.

But also, on the

other side, that peasant could be horrible as well.

Might not be nice.

How do you think the limelight are doing Will I bet they're barely limey at all up towards the house the lime trees I wouldn't think the lime trees are a thriving no in fact they've been cut down I'm afraid take the limes with them you don't get scurvy I know how much you like limes I don't think that's what lime trees are though oh they don't have limes on them I don't know it's so ambiguous sometimes Project Gutenberg's translation cannot be trusted because it could be lemons is there not a kind of tree called a lime yeah it's got limes on it now let's assume yes so the limes they've gone dead dead limes up at the house there's just a horse in the rosebush just a horse in the office the windows are shuttered there's a horse in the office and obviously we've mentioned it before mentioned the foxes the foxes are living in the house and there's two pigs in the cupboard smoking cigars nice but don't worry Will they have left the house protected other than the foxes they've left badgers with guns badgers with guns guns, the foxes.

Two pigs in the cupboard and a little surf boy.

Oh, that's kind.

Who, on seeing Prince Andrew, ran into the house.

Wow.

How old are you?

Five?

Yeah, you'll do.

Just stay here and guard the house from the French army.

Don't let them in.

Good boy.

Apparently, actually, Alpatic is there as well.

Oh, he's got his

letters.

He's come back.

Letter

mission

completed.

He's returned back to home base like a good Roomba.

He's there with an unknown quantity of serfs, at least one.

A minimum of one.

Minimum of that one child, scared child.

Upper limit, a million probably.

Somewhere between one child and one million serfs are still there.

It'd be cool if Alpetich has sourced his own serf army.

It would be cool.

To protect the house.

It'd be a cool twist.

It'd be pretty cool.

When Pandy arrives, Alpetich is deep in a book.

I'm stuck.

Riveted.

What do you think he's reading?

I'm stuck in it.

He's physically stuck in a book.

So big.

What is he reading?

He could be reading...

I don't know what type of books they have.

Maybe he's reading like an encyclopedia.

Oh, it'll be a book about oats.

Oat Management.

A History of

Oat Management.

Well, sure.

It has that vibe.

He's actually reading The Lives of the Saints.

Oh, sure.

Which apparently...

as the name suggests, is a book recounting the lives of popular saints.

Yeah, when they come marching in.

Including their miracles, their martyrdoms, and their spiritual achievements.

Sort of like those games, you know, magic cards, whatever, just reading the wiki.

He's reading...

The saint top trumps.

Yeah.

They were very popular, apparently.

So you don't need to be rude about it.

I'm not being rude about it.

I think they sound brilliant.

Very, very popular, particularly with peasants.

Yeah.

Don't interrupt me.

I'm reading my saint book.

When Andy Pandy turns up, Alpatic is very moved.

He hastily steps up and without a word begins weeping and kissing Prince Andrew's, specifically his knee.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Nice.

It doesn't say if it's the inside or the outside of the knee.

God, the inside is gross.

It could be, though.

Strange if it's the inside.

Could be, though, couldn't it?

He's sticking his letter there.

That's what he might be doing.

This is where

you said to give the letter.

When he has finally, despite everything that we've seen, he pulls himself together, he gives Andy a full status report.

Letter delivered.

It's like a verbal

letter.

Letter bought back.

Apparently, the valuables...

have all been moved previously to bogachavo.

Bogacharevo?

Bogacharevo.

Along with 70 quarters of grain.

70 quarters.

How many holes of grain is that, Will?

Well, I mean, personally, I would divide it by four.

So 35,

17 and a half?

Surely it's 17 and a half.

I tried to look it up.

Surely.

Surely it's 17.

It has to be.

There's no source for that, but it must be 17 and a half.

It's wild if it's not.

Holes of grain.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

More importantly, though.

Fair play to the Russians for having a measurement system that makes sense back then.

Well, actually.

The British one was insane.

You were doing so well, but that is a very ignorant thing you've said.

Because actually, it's the same as the British one at the time.

It's very ignorant, but don't worry because there's a chance here to redeem yourself.

I've put in here, Will.

It's the only smart thing I was going to say for the whole show.

I believe in you.

I believe in you.

I've put in here, Will, a small bit of quiz.

Oh, good.

And here's the rules.

Oh, it's about measurement, so it's impossible.

If you get the question right.

Yep.

you get a point in the quiz at the end of the season.

Sorry, those, whoa.

Whoa, I wasn't listening.

So I was too busy trying to insult you.

And if you remember to tell me to give you the point.

Just getting a drink.

If you remember to tell me to give you the point, you also get another point.

Oh, I'll never remember.

So there's two points I've grabbed, which is basically a winning score.

But if I don't remember, I don't get any points.

Correct.

So

the only thing that would happen is I get two or none.

Yes.

Because you're never going to remember.

Let's make it more interesting.

If I remember, you get minus one point.

How about that?

And if I remember, well, I should get two.

Yeah, okay.

Right, so here's the question then.

We know that 70 quarters of grain is equivalent to 17 and a half holes of grain.

We don't know that, though, do we?

Well, we suspect it.

Actually, it's the thing we don't know.

It's true, we don't know.

You already said we don't know.

That's the one thing we do know.

Okay, we don't know whether or not it's equivalent to grain, but what we do know is how many liters, it's equivalent to?

What, we know how many liters a quarter?

No, 70 quarters of grain, we know how many it's equivalent to.

Oh, so yeah, so we can work out the amount of liters for one quarter.

I'm not interested, to be honest.

I want to know how many liters 70 quarters is.

Oh, I

see

what you mean.

So it's irrelevant about what a whole is or isn't.

Oh, you can use it if it helps you to divide it by four.

Well, I feel, I assume...

Maybe that a quart, right?

Which is an American thing.

Oh, interesting.

Okay.

Yeah.

I think a quart is like their version of a pint because our pint is ludicrous.

What is it?

Like 566 or something or 600 and something.

So maybe a quart is just half a litre.

Okay.

Ish.

No.

Well, yeah.

Only because thinking like a

modern day quart in America is roughly a pint, which is essentially half a litre.

I'm thinking if they're in any way connected, I would go with their half a litre.

So was it 70 half litres?

So 35, 35 litres.

So just to be clear then, you think that...

That's not a lot.

You think that Arpatic is reporting, don't worry, we've moved 35 litres of grain.

Well, also...

Which is probably something you could fit in a backpack.

Before you're being...

You could actually.

Before you're being...

You could fit it in a rubble sack.

Probably.

Yeah, no, you could, because my rubble, the ones I've got from my garden, you fit 40 kilograms in.

There you go, there you go.

It's not a lot, is it?

It's not a lot.

Not a thing to be proud of.

No, it's not a lot.

So probably, it's probably higher.

So like 200,

500,

287 litres.

Well, let me give you the hint.

No.

I'm giving you the hint.

The grain gallon or half peck was composed of 76,800 tower grains.

I'm not listening anymore.

The ale gallon was composed of the ale filling an equivalent container and the wine gallon was composed of the wine weighing an equivalent amount to a full gallon of grain.

This is why, right, everyone listening, um, The invention of metric saved the world.

What, you don't think that the...

The amount of wine that fits in a specific wine box.

Well, it's even worse than that.

It's the amount of wine equivalent to the amount of a full gallon of grain is how wine is measured.

Anyway, we digress.

Dude, stupid.

Give me a number.

No.

70 quarters.

How many litres of grain?

1,000.

You're very wrong.

It's 20,300 litres of grain.

do you think that's more or less than an Olympic swimming pool for half a point more or less 20,000 litres yeah Is it exactly the same?

Exactly.

You had a 50-50 chance.

That is exactly the same.

You had a 50-50 chance of getting...

Down to the last quart.

Getting half a point there.

You chose to play the third game, which is I don't want any points.

No, I'm saying it's an option that wasn't given.

I think, and I'll try and prove it, that it is identical.

That's where an Olympic swimming pool comes from, that measurement.

Well, from what I read, anyway, you can take it as you wish.

The Olympic swimming pool has a volume of approximately...

approximately two and a half million litres.

Oh, it's a lot more.

Yeah, it's a lot more.

I

think some homework for myself is I need to study, I need to have a litre of water in my hands and really get to know it.

I'd be shocked if this exact question isn't asked again in the quiz.

And I'll be shocked if I

get it

right.

So there we go.

They didn't move an Olympic swimming pool worth, but they did remove, they did move a fairly remarkable amount of grain.

Is that a lot though of grain?

Well, what is it?

What do you do with it?

A hundredth or something of a thousandth of an Olympic swimming pool.

Is that enough?

It's quite a lot.

It's a significant proportion.

You could eat that in like a day.

No, no, no.

It's basically all the grain they made.

Two thirds of it or something.

Lost the plums though, so it's not all gravy, is it?

We'll come back to the plums.

Good.

We can't leave a...

Important story point like that.

I can't leave this plum crime unsolved.

I wish I had such good news, Will, about the hay and spring corn.

But apparently...

How many quarts?

Give me the number.

Give me the damage.

What's the damage?

I wish I could tell you.

I can't because apparently the troops, the Russian troops, commandeered it, Will.

Naughty boys.

They cut it down and they ate it while it was still green.

Those naughty little piggies.

The peasants are completely ruined.

They just ate it like raw.

Do you want to hear about the oats, Will?

You're not supposed to just eat it like out the ground like animals.

You heard what it's like for them on the road.

Covered in dust.

Yeah.

They're going to get a stomachache after that.

They will get a stomachache.

I think they'll get really sick.

That's maybe why they destroyed the ornament garden.

Go on lads, eat the grain like cows.

And pushed over that tree.

What about the oats, Will?

What about them?

Oh, I'm afraid

to say

that the oats didn't make it.

The worst news, sire.

Oh, your family's dead, but the oats didn't make it.

Sit down, sir.

You're not going to believe this.

The oats.

Oats Not So Simple.

Would

that work as a title for a show?

Do Americans know the brand Oats So Simple?

I've got no idea.

You don't know?

Fine.

If you don't know, I barely understand it to be honest.

You don't get the joke, so

that's fine.

No one does.

But good title nonetheless.

If people

eat porridge, they'll get the joke if they know the

brand.

Well, they could certainly be eating porridge because we still have 600 quarters left, which is 150 holes probably.

Yeah, okay.

And that's, well, how many swimming pools is that?

I don't know, but it's...

You shouldn't introduce a new measurement and then not be consistent.

I'd like to know everything in swimming pools now.

It's 20,000, whatever.

It doesn't matter.

It's a fair crack of oats.

About 10 times.

It's about 200,000.

Okay, it's a good amount.

Good amount.

Yeah, good amount.

A tenth of an Olympic-sized swimming pool, by my maths.

Am I to let the troops have the oats and to take a receipt for them?

Asks Alpertich.

What should he do?

Do what you want, mate.

Who smashed my plums up?

That's how Andy feels as well.

What am I to say to him?

I care.

Thought Prince Andrew, looking down on the old man's bald head shining in the sun.

I don't care, baldy.

Do what you want.

I'm sorry to say, but that's the end of the conversation about crops now.

I was enjoying that.

But I do have some more information from Al Patek, some more business matters, and it will clear up a lot of things you've been wondering, I imagine.

I have been wondering.

So three regiments of dragoons have stayed the night in the ornamental garden, and they made a mess.

And they made a mess.

And fortunately, Al Patek has taken down their details, and he is going to make a complaint.

Oh, he's going to like this guy.

Don't worry, I've got a list.

He hasn't made the complaint yet, but he will do.

I'll make one.

Also, the family...

Uh, the sun.

The father, the sister.

It does

seem odd that that wasn't how this conversation started.

The whole gist of this conversation is Andy really needs, really he's desperate actually to know about his family, but Albertich just really exclusively wants to talk about it.

He really did just start with the oats, basically.

He wants to talk about his one true love, which is oats.

And can we blame him?

He's like, listen, listen, obviously I'm going to get to the bit about your family.

All right.

So just, I don't want you to walk away.

So I just, cause I, I personally care a lot about the oats.

All right.

So we're going to just go through this stuff.

We'll both get something from this conversation.

I'll go.

If I just say, all your family are dead, I'm worried you're not going to listen to the oats bit.

Well, it's better news than that.

But there is a bit of a miscommunication here.

It's very subtle.

Tolstoy doesn't dwell on it.

You have to notice it yourself with your eyes.

He says, the family left on the 7th.

Right.

Here's what happens exactly.

I can't believe you managed to notice this.

Wait a second.

You can't notice it twice though, can you?

When did my father and sister leave?

Meaning, when did they leave for Moscow?

Correct.

Alpatic, understanding the question to refer to their departure for Bogucharovo, replied that they had left on the 7th.

So, did you notice?

No, I didn't notice anything.

Well, I think there might be, I don't know, there might be something coming up where...

Andy Pandy thinks they've gone to Moscow, but actually they've gone with the possessions to Bogotarevo.

Do you reckon Bogotarevo's in Moscow?

Bogotarevo could actually be in Moscow.

Could be a little suburb.

It seemed to me like there was a miscommunication, but maybe there wasn't.

Did my family make it to Moscow?

Yes, they've made it to Bogotarevo on time.

Well, that would have been clearer.

Yeah.

Suddenly, a group of bareheaded peasants started to approach.

They got bareheads?

They're bears?

Everyone seems to be bald.

Oh, I thought they had bareheads, bears, the animals.

Could be, could be, could be.

And they could be bald underneath that.

God.

Yeah, bald bears.

Could be suddenly a furry story.

Or like, what's that horrible film?

The Purge?

You know, they wear those masks?

Yeah.

Like that, but they're bear masks or whatever.

Could be segwaying into a brief Purge story.

Anyway, these bald peasants are coming.

They are all bald, aren't they?

Is it because they're bald hills?

You have to be bald to be around there.

I think it is that.

There's bald hills, bald people, everyone's bald.

Everyone's bald round here.

On seeing these people, Alpetich falls to the floor and grabs Andy Pandy's leg.

When you see bald people, it's time to go, I think is the point.

Careful, I don't like them!

He bursts into tears.

I guess he's grasping the back of his knee.

Gently disengaging himself, the prince spurred his horse Oh, it's Dusty Springfield.

Dusty Springfield does come back.

That's good.

And rode down the avenue at a gallop.

Doesn't comfort him or anything else.

Sorry,

I'm confused.

Why did

Albertich hit the deck and start crying?

Because the bald lads walked in.

I hate them!

Because he's been left alone in a house that will soon be overrun by the French army.

Oh, and Andy's like, cool mate, see ya.

Your problem, see ya.

He does say to him, you should go to one of our other estates somewhere, take the surfs with you.

Join yourself.

That sort of thing.

Albertich, I think he likes the place.

Take your ball mates out for a night or whatever.

He doesn't feel like going.

He likes the foxes.

Back out Andy goes on Dusty Springfield.

Back past the horses in the road bush, the rose bush, the lime tree, the ornamental garden.

That was a horse sound, by the way.

He was very, very good.

The old shoe man is still there.

And I quote, like a fly impassive on the face of a loved one who is dead.

tough excuse me uh two little girls come out of the hot house we're going to tie up uh the plums storyline now oh yeah their skirts are full of plums ah guilty the thieves on seeing the young master the elder one with a frightened look clutched her younger companion by the hand and hid with her behind a birch tree not stopping to pick up the green plums they had dropped um pandy decides in a moment of complete um i should really kill those children no he decides the opposite he decides uh he has a new emotion actually well here it is described his new emotion never felt before he realized the existence of other human interests entirely aloof from him aloof from his own and just as legitimate as those that occupied him well isn't this great because i said at the beginning when he was just dismissive of that

deaf

guy making a shoe in the middle didn't help out at all

this is great also another thing about the the russian army when they were just eating grain raw out of the ground like cows when they eat the plums

are they weird those little girls take to the plums I assume ow ow ow crazy it's a bizarre medical marvel and they ate all that poison a few books ago we're back on the road Will and it's hot Will it's hot it's dusty did I mention the dust you mentioned dust it's dusty it's dustier now six inches of dust six seven inches now.

Eight tops.

I quote, there was no wind.

That's probably...

2.4 quarts of dust.

That's a lot of dust.

Minimum.

It's minimum.

The sun, a red ball through the dust, burned and scorched his back intolerably through his black coat covered in dust.

Dust.

The dust always hung motionless above the buzz of talk that came from the resting troops.

Dust.

Dust.

He gets back to his regiment and it turns out that they've stopped at a small muddy green pond and everyone has taken off their clothes.

Please, dive into the dust bowl They've got off their clothes and they've gone into the pond.

They're all naked.

There's so many of them in there that the pond has risen by one foot.

What's that in quotes?

We will find out in the quiz.

All this naked white human flesh laughing and shrieking floundered about in that dirty pool like carp stuffed into a watering can.

And the suggestion of merriment in that floundering mass rendered it especially pathetic.

Jesus, cheer up, mate.

They're just having fun.

One lad, I think I've written he's ginger.

I don't know if that's true.

I think I might have made that up, actually.

Such a bizarre thing to make up.

Enjoy yourself, though.

He does a cannonball.

Does he?

It's pathetic.

Oh, look at that pathetic worm.

Another shaggy, non-commissioned officer stood up to his waist in the water, joyfully wriggling his muscular figure and snorted with satisfaction as he poured the water over his head with his hands blackened to the wrists.

Pathetic.

I hope he dies.

Totally pathetic, Andy thinks.

There were sounds of men slapping one another, yelling and puffing.

It is truly...

Pathetic.

I preferred it when it was just dust and we were just walking in the dust and everyone was sad.

Everywhere you turn, Will, there is, I quote, healthy white muscular flesh.

That's such a gross quote to say so many times.

Timakin is drying his bright red nose on the bank.

That's funny.

It's very nice, Your Excellency.

Wouldn't you like to, he said.

So he's drying his nose on the side of a river bank.

He's drying.

On the floor.

Look.

I've taken some creative license there.

He was drying.

He has a bright red nose.

Yeah, he's like a...

I assume he dried his nose.

Like a dog or something.

Sure, like Rudolph.

It's scratching his ears.

On a summer holiday.

Yeah, yeah.

It's dirty, replied Prince Andrew, making a grimace.

We'll clear it out for you in a minute, said Timakin.

You can't.

It's disgusting and I hate you.

He's naked.

He runs off to clear the men out of the pond.

The prince wants to bathe.

Clean the pond!

Anyway, he decides that he'd rather wash himself in the water in a barn.

and he thinks fresh bodies cannon fodder he thought and he looked at his own naked body he's naked now for some reason um why is he naked actually i don't i think i think he turned up naked and he's just like oh this is a bit of luck has he been naked this whole time bit of luck everyone is naked i've just been naked by myself he very clearly is not going to swim so why is he naked he just turned up I'd do the same if you turn up all your mates naked

you're

just like well I'll get naked straight away what are you idiots doing by the way has he always been naked this whole book maybe he's been yeah maybe he's never has he ever worn clothes I think that's in law now that Andy Pandy's always been naked naked Andy um he looked at his own naked body maybe he's like where are my clothes shattered oh my god I've been naked this whole book those foxes stole my clothes oh god books ago those little girls stole the plums and my trousers um He shuddered, not from the cold, but from a sense of disgust and horror he did not himself understand.

Aroused by the sight of that immense number of bodies splashing about in the dirty pond, he's thinking about the time, all the grief and destruction and death that he's experienced, I think, and it's reminding him of that.

He'd hate water parks, wouldn't he?

So, yes, he would.

That is, in a way, the end of the chapter, but I did say at the start to hang around because um because you have to for the show to keep going for the concept if no one does

hang around it's really bad for the show

and I mentioned that I thought Tolstoy had a few problems um planning this book, fitting everything in.

His wife's hand is definitely here.

Maybe

there was like an issue at home.

There's just suddenly loads of dust everywhere.

And so they cut out all of the long journey to and from the house.

And then what they also did was they just tacked on three paragraphs at the end of this chapter, which forms a small letter, not involving any of the people that have been in this chapter so far.

How is the letter delivered if there's no letter deliverer?

By by no one, I think.

We don't know who delivered it.

This is wrong.

Well, it's you in your uniform, obviously.

It would be me, of course, but I didn't know about it.

And yet you've done it.

Yeah.

And so we haven't heard really anything about the war that we didn't already know.

No.

So now we've just got a very heavy fire hose of information.

and intrigue about the war.

I feel like Tolstoy in almost invented exposition, right?

It's like, let's just get really arty, talk about dust and everyone's naked.

And by the way,

by the way,

everything else that's gone on is just on this quick letter.

So it's a letter from Bagration.

Oh yeah, okay, Baggy.

He was also on the Smolensk Road.

Bag-a-loof.

And he's sending it to Count Alexis Andreevich, which is Arachiv.

Arachnid.

Arachnid by another name.

Spider boy.

We don't know which road Arachiv is on, but we can assume he is near a road.

He'll be

on at least one.

It's a letter addressed to Arachiv, but Baggy, he's a smart guy, he knows that if he sends it to him, the Emperor will also read it.

Ah, CC'd in.

It's a CC, intentional CC mistake.

Because

Baggy hates Spider-Man.

They all hate each other.

Well, it's not the only person Baggy hates.

The upshot of the letter is that the stuff that happened in Smolensk was all Barclay de Tolly's fault.

Oh, that's who he hates.

Yeah,

yeah, yeah.

It was his fault.

It was Barclay de Tolly's fault that Smolensk was abandoned to the enemy.

Bagration did try to stop him.

I tried so hard.

He wouldn't listen.

You're not going to believe this.

He actually didn't care about it.

Yeah, I personally, actually, me, Bagration, personally held the enemy at bay for 35 hours.

I held one guy for 35 hours and he was just trying to set stuff on fire.

I stopped that.

Whereas Barclay de Tolly ran away after 14 hours after promising he wouldn't.

Yeah.

And you know I'm not lying because I've given him a lot of hours as well.

Yeah, it's 14.

Less than half.

If you do compare, mine's over double.

So I'm just saying.

And I hope this isn't too harsh, but he is a disgraceful stain and he should be killed.

He's a disgraceful pig and he should have his head cut off.

I'm sure when he speaks to you, He'll say that I lost thousands of men.

Oh, he'll say loads of lies, won't he?

He'll say that, and I'll admit, yes, sure, but it wasn't more than 4,000.

Yeah, and weirdly, I'm actually going to, what he says about me that's negative, yeah, you know what?

It is true.

It is true, actually.

It is true.

It was bad.

It was thousands.

I am rubbish.

It was thousands, multiple thousands.

Only 4,000.

But I stayed, in terms of hours, I stayed over double.

More hours.

If that doesn't count, what's the point then?

More hours, more people died.

more hours yeah all my men time more hours more time Iraq no spider monkey man he should have his head carved no that's Barclay you got confused again whatever kill them all and anyway 4,000.

Hold that number in your mind.

We lost 15,000 on the retreat anyway.

Yeah, we lost way more than that later on.

So we might as well have stayed and they could have died there.

Yeah, also suddenly, why does someone care about 4,000 men dying straight away when 15,000 died yesterday?

No one cares.

Exactly.

Anyway, it's all Barclay de Tolly's fault.

It's a war under the bridge.

Also, I heard that apparently you're thinking of making peace.

Yep.

Just to say, I just wanted to say, you can't do that because too many people have died now.

Don't.

All in.

So we're all in.

Don't.

We're all in.

What's the point of making peace?

We'd all be alive,

but we're all going to, I think we should all

die anyway.

We should all die.

And anyway, I don't know if you heard of it before, but I just wanted to repeat again, by the way, it is all Barclay de Tolly's fault.

He should be sacked or killed or something.

Shot out of a cannon.

And like, if you can find someone that's like clever and cool.

I don't know.

Someone who looks like me.

Oh, someone that looks a lot like that looks like me i don't care they could replace him and i do it if you ask because i don't care about doing it you know yeah and you know what there's more good things about me i've got loads of other stuff as well if you need another letter about that i'll send that look here's just a couple more things about me just to end up end the letter final thoughts um look i've got to be honest with you no one here likes the imperial aid to camp wall zoggan Everyone hates Wall-E.

People don't like him and they think he's a traitor.

He stinks.

He's a traitor.

And a lot of people wish he was dead.

But because he's the emperor's pal, right?

You know what?

I am nice to him.

But I respect his position.

Because I love the emperor.

Yeah.

I mean, people have said things like he

stinks.

He's disgusting.

Other people are mean to him.

Yes.

I've got a whole other letter of insults about him.

Yeah.

And then it's just this final speech then.

And this is the end now.

There is no letter to follow the letter unrelated to the previous letter.

Yeah.

There's no more things that are broken at the Bald Hills house.

What about the bananas?

Do they have bananas?

Apples?

There's absolutely nothing about bananas coming up.

Apples?

No, no tea, no fruit, nothing.

This is the end now.

This is the end.

Tell me, for God's sakes, what will Russia, our mother Russia, say to our being so frightened?

And why are we abandoning our good and gallant fatherland to such rabble and implanting feelings of hatred and shame in all of our subjects?

Why?

What are we scared of?

What are we scared at?

And of whom are we afraid?

I am not to blame, by the way.

And a final thing.

It's actually not my fault.

I am not to blame that the minister, which is another way of saying Barclay de Tolly because he's a minister.

I am not to blame that the minister is vacillating a coward, dense...

Ugly pig.

Ugly, deliratory pig.

And has all bad qualities.

Which I've outlined very clearly in the letter.

Please do see above.

The whole army bewails it.

Everyone's saying it.

Everyone hates him.

And they call down curses upon him.

I'm really good, by the way.

I'm amazing.

And that is, Will, that's the end.

That's that.

It's the summary summary.

Okay, looking at the time, we don't have time.

So, we've only got 13 minutes left in the studio.

Hello, everyone.

We're going to go straight in.

Yes, why not?

We've got to.

It doesn't matter what name I say.

We'll just make another one up that's better.

I haven't even had time to prepare the 10-second timer.

You haven't even had 10 seconds to prepare the timer.

I'm just going to count in my head, okay?

I don't like it.

No, no.

We've got standards.

No.

All right, I'll find a timer online.

Do it properly.

All right.

All right, fine.

We've been doing this for

however many years.

I'm having

this adjudicated properly.

Well, there has been a few occasions where I've...

Oh, we shouldn't be having this argument.

I should be thinking about the episode.

Okay, well, I've got the 10 second timer in three, two...

One.

Oh, it's so simple.

Dust, dust, dust, dust.

There's dust everywhere.

It's Pandy.

He's back home.

Everyone's gone and the plums have been knocked over.

And by the way, it wasn't bag rations fault.

Oh, that's very chipper.

It's the internet.

Very, very good.

Yeah.

Oats So Simple is a joke that apparently no one alive will get.

Was that the name of the chapter there?

The episode I went for, Oats So Simple.

Ah, it would have been good to work in dust.

Yeah, obviously it would have been, but I couldn't think of a pun in the no seconds I had.

Well, as per the new rules, if we think of a better one in the pub in a minute, we will go for it.

It probably should be dust related.

Yeah.

Like all we are is dust in the bin.

we'll work on it later we didn't do it now well there we go I hope you had a good time all we are is dust hey do you remember we made that LinkedIn post LinkedIn as if it was LinkedIn Instagram post when Darren the horse died and I put dust in the wind

all we are is dust beautiful stuff that would be great if we get the rights to that song

we'll try we'll certainly try in the next hour we have alright we

have to leave the studio

everyone that's the episode it's done thank you I hope you enjoyed it if you didn't enjoy it I hope you it's not our fault I hope you find something else you enjoy I hope you get over it thank you for listening to the show thank you see you next time bye