Same with you invest in your career, you should be investing in your love life, because it's not something that you just look up one day and now you're rich.

It's the same thing with love, he.

Va Fam, it's your girl, Mandy Money.

I am so so happy to be here with these two beautiful exquisites, stunning, accomplished, badass women in the studio.

We have never done a show like this, ba Fam.

And maybe it's because sometimes when you're in your relationship and like it's so challenging, sometimes talking about relationships is like the last thing you want to do.

But it just felt like the right time.

Ever since I saw one of my guests today, ever since I saw the title of her book, how to Find True Love by Francesca Hogey, who's here with me today, that concept, that the simplicity of the preposition, the simplicity of the concept for that book, it just really it really struck me, and I was a little bit afraid to even ask myself that question.

Why am while I am a full married woman and be a fan.

I know that we represent the broad spectrum of partnership.

Whether you are writing solo at this time, you're newly separated, you are looking for love, you're in a relationship and you know the saying it, and you're planning your escape route like I really wanted to have a show like, so I asked Francesca to come on the show, and then I got the opportunity to also have the Michelle the Kelly to r d to our I'm making myself fiance here that's real rich and we have a Spicy Mody in the house.

Spicy Mody is also a relationship expert on Relationship Coach.

You also host a Netflix show which I'm I'm blinking on right now.

Please help the girl.

Sneaklings on netflixels ooh a little messy and we love that.

So I want to pause there and just have y'all do a quick little introduction.

To be a fan, I've already given them your name, Francesc.

You got your book How to Find True Love, Spicy Money.

You're on Sneakilings, But tell us a little bit about your journey to becoming a relationship experts and then what your approaches and what you love most about the work that you do.

Conchessica, do you want to start sure?

Thanks for that wonderful introduction.

Beyonce and you are Beyonce here.

So for me, I mean, so I used to be a corporate lawyer in my previous career, but I'm somebody who I call myself.

I was a romantic child, like I just grew up like really just wanting love, like wanting passion, like couldn't wait till I was like old enough to like fall in love.

And like I used to read like, you.

Know, romance novels that were way too old for me, and I'd be like, I can't wait to do this.

But I also had just a lot of challenges honestly, just around like being seen romantically, like receiving romantic attention.

And so I found myself as a young lawyer like Okay, I really want relationships.

I really want a boyfriend, but like I do not know how to make that happen.

And so long before I knew that, you know, like dating coaching or relationship coaching was a thing, because this was a million years ago, because I'm middle aged, I was like, Okay, well I just got to figure this out.

And so I started on this journey of teaching myself how to date.

And so I went on match dot com.

You know, back in the day when that was like you prayed that nobody saw you like this is way before dating apps.

And I went on a bunch of dates and I learned a lot of things, and then I was like, oh, okay, wait, now I know how to do this.

And so I wound up starting a dating.

Advice blog back when I was still a lawyer, just because I saw so many other people struggling with things that I used to struggle with.

And then I wound up finding out about matchmaking as a profession.

And I met a woman at a Fourth of July barbecue who told me about Paul C.

Brunson, who is.

A black male matchmaker now expertly.

He's actually he has a Netflix show also called Sheet, and he's on a bunch of shows.

He's like, you know, doing a bunch of things now.

But at the time I was like, wait, there's a black male matchmaker.

Who is this person?

And I want to follow him?

And so I started following him, and through him, I learned that there was a matchmaking institute and I was like, what, there's a matchmaking institute And there was a conference and I went to this conference and I met all of these people who were just regular people whose job it was to help other people.

Find love, and I was like, what could be more rewarding than that?

So I went to matchmaking school and I became a matchmaker And that was thirteen.

Years making school, the match speaking Institute.

Oh what secrets are in there?

Were you?

Okay, I have a couple.

I know I'm going to get to spicy too, But I was just thinking, like, at what point do you feel like, Okay, I've got this on lock.

Now I'm ready to help others?

Like did you feel like you needed to reach a certain level of relationship success before you could be a matchmaker or does that even matter?

You know?

I didn't feel that way.

I mean when I started matchmaking, I was in a relationship, but it wasn't like I was in my you know, forever partnership.

But I really felt like, first of all, I had already matchmade people, just like that was something that I'd already done.

Like one of my best friends her husband I introduced, I introduced her to So it's something that I already just naturally like meddled in other people's love lives.

So there's kind of the thing about matchmaking is because it is about making introductions and it's a little bit like all right.

Well there you go, like good luck everybody, you know, like.

I've introduced you, now you know, now I have at it.

But actually, that's one of the reasons why over time I switched from matchmaking and coaching is because I realized that with matchmaking, giving people what they say that they want isn't necessarily what they need and isn't necessarily going to actually give them the relationship ship that they actually want.

And so that actually caused me to start to go a lot deeper into like, Okay, well, how do you actually determine what you need in a relationship, and how do you figure out who is and who isn't a good match for you?

And how can you break your patterns of maybe being attracted to people in dynamics that don't serve you.

And so I became very obsessed with all of that, which is why I became a coach instead of a matchmaker, because I think it's more important for people to be their own matchmaker, honestly, and to be able to do that work for themselves.

Well, that's a really nice distinction because it's like anyone can get on match you can match yourself or what is it now, tender bumble, all that, but to actually have the coaching and that you know, and not just your girlfriends, you know, at dinner with their own drama, their own trauma baggage, but to have someone kind of hold your hand during the whole process.

Okay, spicy, spicy mody.

I keep wanting to say spicy margarita, but I'm not going to do that.

We can have those too.

I'm always down for one of those origin story and you know, snaps to Francesca.

I agree with everything that she's saying.

My origins or became very young.

So at a very young age, five six years old, single parent home, I felt like I was too good to be in a single parent home.

I deserved a daddy.

So I made it my mission to go up to every single man and set my mom up and pitch her and I as a package.

Right, Like, I'm a cute little girl.

She's a pretty mom, she knows how to cook, and my mom was married three times.

My mom saw like my passion for relationships and then it was an obsession for me, and she's like, okay, let me steer this so that you aren't so dependent on a relationship or a partner.

But I early on saw the benefits of it.

Right when Mom was in relationship, she was happier, she was more giving.

I was in trouble less.

We had more resources.

By resources, I mean toys, and so these men used to go through the process of like taking us both out on dates, and I too saw the benefits of the romance and just how the courtship process looked early.

But then wanted that education with it, which my mom really reinforced.

She was like, yes, relationships are great, go to school though, So went to UC Berkeley and went for communication, then went to USC and communication as well, and in the interim part was giving like relationship advice on a radio show Spicy Tips, and decided that there's a method to this madness in my master's program and really deep dove into the Spicy method, which is spicy self passion, intimacy, communication, and learning to say yes, those are the ingredients that you need for a healthy relationship, and so juggling setting up of course.

Friends, family members, and clients.

Really started to focus on the Spicy Life program because that is where it all begins.

In order to help you become the best version of yourself.

And attract your purpose mate, which is the person who's supposed to elevate you the purpose, the person who's supposed to support your purpose, and how you serve the kingdom and help others.

My entire focus became, Okay, how do I help you become more magnetic?

How do I help you choose the best partner so that you don't have to go through divorce after divorce and you don't have a child who's looking up like where's my daddy?

Why don't I have a two parent home?

So my mom's theory is that she is the root of the spicy life, spicy Mama, and that every couple that I tried to match or set up, or every client that I try to coach, I'm really healing.

My child's self through these couples.

But I have gone through all the seasons, all the phases and challenges of relationship.

And it wasn't until I actually like applied my tools to like really hones in on, Okay, what does it take that I started to take even my own personal life extremely seriously when it came to relationships and discovered the strategies within it.

That there's coding, there's strategies.

Dating as a skill, but then also guiding the male psyche is extremely important as well, and so of course matched myself.

My husband will say, well, I never needed a matchmaker, and I'm like, oh, what do you think I was doing, honey.

So so it's the whole essence of yes, yes, sir, this was your idea.

Of course I had nothing to do with it.

You just wanted to me purely.

You make the decision on your own.

So there is a method to the madness and I absolutely love it and want every single person to have their purpose mat the way that I do.

Purposemate.

All Right, so I'm thinking about BA Fam and just for y'all, I know I love BA FAM.

I know I know our audience so well.

BA Fam is between twenty five to forty five.

We have very ambitious women.

Obviously, it's in the title of our show.

We are wanting, We're not waiting for a relationship or a purposemate, to create financial security and financial independence.

A lot of our listeners want to create side businesses or have a full business.

You know, they're working into five and they are very intentional about studying and learning and seeking out wisdom.

In that sense, where does that journey align with seeking out a partner, because I kind of feel like we're in this date right now now where it feels like either or like I'm going to focus on my all on just creating my own financial security and then when I have it all together, then I can find a partner.

What advice do y'all have for women are who are striving for that?

And we love that ba fam passion, But what advice do you'all have for them?

And also carving out time to find partnership in the midst of that, you know, before they have it all together.

We think that you have to compartmentalize and separate the two and you should literally be doing the same way that you invest in your career, you should be investing in your love life because it's not something that you just look up one day and now you're rich.

It's the same thing with love.

Okay, So if you're not intentional about juggling, bok, cause I'm not going to say it's about balance, it's about juggling.

Like I'm going to intentionally do one thing a day for my career, I'm also going to intentionally do one thing a day to connect with men, to connect it with love and so whether that's you pouring into a little bit of self love and juggling that with Okay, do I need to swipe today?

Do I need to sit in that message?

Do I need to go to the park and look someone in the eyes and introduce myself.

You need to be doing one thing a day to connect because you literally have to learn in real time managing both.

Because if you think that one day you're just going to look up and your partner's going to be there, and you've been so prioritized on your career that now you're going to know how to manage your time to navigate between your masculine network and you're feminine you know at home.

It is a practice.

It is a skill set that you have to do.

And as women, we are required to pivot.

Okay, not so much men.

They don't lean into their feminine energy usually until we pull that out of them.

But for us, society demands it from us, Our relationships demand it from us.

That we have to get really good at doing the dance between our masculine and feminine and juggling between those two and so managing relationship plus career, you've got to do both at the same time, especially if you want both to enjoy at the same time.

That is such a difficult proposition.

It's something that I struggle with all the time.

We're baddies, like we get we make money.

I'm a breadwinner.

I don't bend the bread winner.

Since Dan got my relationship, part of me thinks that was a bit of why was even attracted to my relationship with my partner, is like there's space for me to be that.

You know, there's a lot of power in that.

But at the same time, it's like, oh, I done forgot how to be solved And what even is feminine energy?

Francesca, does that?

Like does that jib with like your thoughts as well?

The idea that you know, there's this tug of the masculine energy and then the feminine energy and relationships and like having to learn how to switch it on and off.

This is such a good question, and this is a really important conversation because we all three work with ambitious women who are about their business and about you know, living their best lives.

And I think that I completely agree with you, Matty, like.

We cannot we can't compartmentalize love and think like.

Okay, I'm just going to keep it in this little bucket, and when everything else in my life is perfect, that's when I'm going to open myself up to it.

I think that's really missing the point.

I think that we are all on a love journey, and the purpose of this journey is for to learn how to be more loving, how to give more love, and how to receive more love.

And what I see a lot with women who are in that mindset of like, no, I'm building my career, I'm focused on my business.

It's like, yeah, but you're also kind of it's a little bit like saying like I'm going to care about my health when I'm when I'm more successful, or I'm going to care about my friendships or my family relationships when I'm more successful, Like like, what do you mean?

No, Like this is all important, right, And so I one hundred percent agree with what Marty was saying about, Like this is a being about skills.

Right, So, if you were not practicing the skill of being vulnerable, of allowing yourself to receive romantic attention, you know, of having the confidence to give that attention to someone else, Right, if you don't have the skill of communication, of learning how to be a great partner, because that's the thing about dating.

And one of the reasons why I really I resonate so much more with coaching than with matchmaking is because the point of dating is not just to meet someone.

I mean, that's yes, but so for you to actually learn the skills to be a great partner.

Right, So if you just don't ever put any work or effort or thought into what that means for you, and then you think that when somebody great shows up, that suddenly it's all going to magically work out.

You know.

That's that fantasy view of love that we've been sold our whole lives.

But that sets so many people up for failure in relationships because then you're in a relationship.

Now you're triggered.

Now you don't know how to communicate.

Now you don't know how to compromise.

Now you don't know how to have boundaries.

I think, you know, that's another thing.

I think that for a lot of you know, women who feel like I have to wait, I have to wait, is because they think that being in a relationship means that you lose yourself.

They think that being in a relationship means that you don't get to still prioritize your passions.

Right, They think that being in a relationship means that now that there is no time to work on.

Your business or that.

But who said that, right?

And so I think we as modern women, we have more power and freedom than any other generation in history to have the lives that we want, and that includes the love that we want.

Oh, I am a very big believer, Like even if you're like, okay in this season of my life, because we all have to know ourselves and you all have to know like, Okay, like right now, I am doing this thing and this is my focus.

And maybe that's not dating, maybe that's not meeting someone.

That's fine, But I encourage people like, don't get so far away from that intention for romantic partnership that you then aren't planting the seeds within yourself so that you can actually have the love that you want.

And so I just think that more women need to balance it.

So as for like the masculine feminine, I think that could be a very helpful framework for some women to think about, like, Okay, where am I Where am I able to be more giving?

Where am I able to receive?

Because actually receiving is like really the big thing.

Right, we tend to have a lot more trouble receiving than giving.

So that's the other thing.

Do you mean women of color, like black women, or women in general?

I think women in general.

I think women in general.

I think especially in relationships, because if you just think about all of the narratives that women get about out what the role is of a woman in a relationship, it's like, you know, you gotta you gotta take care of your man.

You gotta like be you know, sexually available to him all the time.

You gotta make sure he's fed, you gotta make sure he's happy.

You got to make sure that he feels like a man.

And because if he doesn't do that, he's going to go find somebody else who does.

Like, there's a lot of pressure that's put on women to do and to you know, to really be the caretaker in our relationships and so and it's not that we aren't that, but we also deserve to receive, right, And so that balance is something that I think we have more power than ever to really navigate for ourselves.

But yeah, it's it's it's it's complicated.

And one last thing I will just say, the reason I don't really in my work.

I don't really use like masculine and feminine energy so much only because I see how that can lead to a lot of performance.

Because then it's like, oh, well, I say this because that's like me being feminine, and it's like, well, but actually, can't you just tap into yourself and just be yourself and be balanced in your ability to give and to receive versus feel like I have to perform femininity in this particular way or a man has to perform masculinity in this particular way.

I think that can get a little murky, you know.

While you're talking, I'm also thinking about how I have said on the show before, and I've spoken to so many really accomplished women who've earned millions and they've iPod and they'll come on this show and you'll see like a softening of them because obviously, like you know, I am a woman of color, this is our safe space.

And how I've encouraged women to even bring their feminine energy to the workplace and like to give yourself permission like to be.

And when I said when I say feminine energy, I mean our our nurturing nature, our communication skills are listening I think that those traits, there was a time when those traits were like out of fashion and look down upon in corporate spaces, and you wanted to really like be in your masculine because that was the norm.

And I love the idea of more women and of women in positions of power embracing that part of because I think it makes us such good leaders and makes the workplaces that we run, you know, such incredible places to be where you really everyone can be happier and thrive.

And and but I feel like because of the stigma against you know, femininity and being soft in the workplace, that that has created, like it's we put on this persona when we go into the workplace, and that can be hard sometimes to turn off.

But if we just like give ourselves permission to be a bit more soft and be our nurturing our nature and not everyone is the same, right, but to tap into our core as essential self both at work and at home, we may find a bit more happiness and just more peace.

That's many problems.

Let me add on to this.

I do think that based on everyone right growing up in different environments, already being genetically predisposed to certain responses, learning different communication skills that us as women in the dating place, do need to understand visually and also emotionally and mentally right when we are tapping into a certain way of making somebody else feel how they're experiencing us.

And I think that masculine feminine energy is a great way to understand not just who you are and how you show up or maybe what you were exposed to and who you would like to become, but also understanding how to dance with men, understanding that when he shows up like this, I respond this way and I like that, or when I lean into this energy, it doesn't get me the goal accomplished that I want.

And so I think that for my main clientele, which is like the extremely powerful woman who has everything that she wants in life except for the love, it's important that they also understand that in relationship and in your romantic life, dating is important and relationships are important because just like in the workplace, you're going to have to ask for what you want at home, when it comes to men, you are still going to have to ask for what you want because they don't lean into their feminine energy as much.

So they're not intuitive.

Okay, they aren't thinking about how can they care for us all day long and how they can make our day better from the moment that they wake up, where that may come naturally to us, but we have to also get into the practice of asking, how am I going to guide this person to learn the things that I want and it to come effortlessly to them if I'm not communicating my needs and getting real comfortable with communicating my needs right, getting in the habit and practice of getting what I want because it doesn't just come automatically for somebody else to serve us.

And so, when you're in a.

Space where you are very goal oriented and driven and it's.

About work, work, work, work, work, and career.

While I love all the accolades, you aren't in the habit of advocating for yourself when it comes to relationship and teaching and guiding someone.

When you're focused on just career, you get permission to just be selfish.

But when you are in relationship, you actually are required to serve.

Both of you guys are required to serve.

But how do I get him to submit to me?

What does that look like?

How do I tap into that energy?

And if you don't guide a man's emotions.

You have no power over the man because he is in the relationship with you based on how you make him feel about himself.

So if you don't know how to motivate him, if you haven't practiced the skill set of understanding how to guide a man's energy.

But that's what you want, and you say that's your focus, but you haven't practiced that, it's going to be extremely challenging later when you add another element, let's say family, to the mix.

Are you saying that are part of a healthy dynamic and relationship is understanding how to manage your man's emotions, your partner's emotions.

How do I manage my energy?

First?

How do I manage their energy?

Second?

So, whether it's a friendship, whether it's your mama, whether it's your child, whether it's your man, how do I manage my energy in this moment so I can guide your energy to get whatever it is accomplished that I'm trying to get.

Whether it's I want affection, whether I want a hot date, whether I want you to step up to the plate be more protective of me, whatever that thing is, whether I want you to throw the trash, How do I manage my energy first, so then I can manage your energy next.

I think, okay, I'm understanding that.

It reminds me of that book Come As You Are by Emily Nagasaki.

I think that's her name, really cool book, and in that she talks about like the break and the accelerator, and a woman versus a man, or a partner versus partner, and how there's certain ways you can come at a person, but if they haven't been like if they're in a mindset or in an emotion mind where they're not ready to do the thing that you want them to do.

Like let's say it's sex, or let's say it's taking out the trashes are two very different things.

One of them is for play taking out the trash.

I was gonna say, are they so different?

I'm going to turn the compost for you, Oh, baby, like talk their to me.

So But there is this idea that I just can't come in and be like, I need you to I need you to do better at this.

I need you to like you know, I need you to read with our son at night.

I need you to like be involved more by the way.

I needs you to rub my back later and not complain about it.

I need you to know what my coffee order is when it's hot outside versus when it's cold, and versus when it's raining, because they're different for all the environments.

It's about not expecting that to just happen on demand.

But there's things that I can start doing the minute I wake up, to manage to like I don't like the word manage as much, but I understand it, like to guide the feeling in him to where he's going to be more conducive to doing those things later.

And if it comes from both ways, both directions, if he's also thinking about me and how I'm feeling, baby like that to me just sounds like that's the vibe I want to be on.

We aren't not on that vibe right now, but I would like to.

Get to your point.

We are all trapped in this illusion of how it's supposed to feel.

Well, it doesn't feel romantic and it doesn't feel authentic if he doesn't just do it on his own.

Naturally, we think that if I have to tell you what I want for my birthday, it's not as meaningful and special.

I care more about the goal.

Did I get the bag?

Okay?

Because if I.

Got the bag, and I had to tell you and send you the link to the bag that I wanted because you weren't going to get the YSL bag that I wanted.

Am I still happy at the end?

We can't be so much trapped in the process of well, what is.

The experience that I'm having?

In order to get my goal.

Achieved, I need you to get to a to Z because I got a business to run.

So either we're going to make me happy and I'm gonna be in charge of my happiness and help facilitate you being a part of it.

But I'm not going to.

Leave my entire happiness and experience up to you.

And that actually takes practice because that's not what we were taught.

We were taught that it's not love unless the person isn't obsessed with us twenty four seven thinking how they can make.

Our day better.

So I'm I totally agree.

I hear what both of you are saying.

I'm a little bit different, and also I should say I do not have children, and I think that the both of you, in your real relationships, you're not just navigating being with your partner, You're also navigating raising children.

And that's a whole other ball of wax.

I am a believer in communicating needs.

However, I'm also for me, I'm more focused on are you with somebody?

Because I because I personally and like, I don't have the emotional bandwidth to like teach a man how to like have feelings.

Like I'm like, that's not my job, you know what I'm saying, Like I don't want to take that on.

And I'm curiousity who was supposed to teach him?

Well?

Well, see, I think, I mean, I think, and you know you said this before.

I think everybody has different you know, we all have different you know, backgrounds and experiences and you know, and I'm very fortunate because I had a father who was he was a caretaker and he was protective, and he worked hard and he supported his family.

But he also called my mother beautiful and rubbed her feet and mopped the whole and vacuum the whole house every weekend so she didn't have to do that heavy lifting.

And I also had my older brother, you know, it was also like very protective, very loving.

So to me, I'm like, just fine.

Men should just come like that, just come like that.

I think that all of us feel like men should just come like that.

That's the thing, though, is that we all want one.

So it's a small percentage that are actually like like your father in the sense of maybe emotionally available to their children, right, maybe teaching their son how to love properly.

And so I am of the belief that, well, you want a relationship with this person, but maybe he didn't grow up with Mancesca's father.

How are we going to make this work?

And there is going to have to be some work on our end that us as women were like, well, we don't want to do it.

We just want him to come prepackaged, but we're also not prepackaged.

And maybe the communication aspect or maybe the you know, respect aspect, we're all working on something.

I think though, that we have a huge population of men though that are only as good as their exes taught them.

Okay, so if they did grow up like you, oh my god, that's a blessing.

But a lot did not, right, So that population that did not, what are we to do with them?

And if we still want relationship with them, because we're still going to be in a situationship or we're still going to hook up with like what are we going to do in order to guide them there to that emotional availability, to that intelligence.

How are we going to educate them on how to show up in love for us?

Because it's really the woman who brings it out of them.

Men are not going to the homies, are not going to help them so much become these vulnerable creatures for us, And if their exes did not train them properly.

Now you have, you know, a man in your hands who you know you're attracted to, but he doesn't know how to serve you the way that you want to be served.

And so it's not so much about us only getting that population of twenty percent that are emotionally available.

It's like, okay, well, how do we change this is a culture.

How do we change and guide these men?

Because we're not going to see I don't think before our day's end, the shift of one hundred percent equality, the shift of them being as equal emotionally to.

Us as we are.

So there's going to be some work on our end, as really it's going to be some work on our end.

No, I agree, And there is no perfection.

And even if you have two people who were so open and emotionally available, and mature, Like, there's still going to be you know, the art of relationships is communication, right, so there's always going to be that navigation.

But I guess what I see is, especially a lot of Black women, I see a lot of women who are they are giving their all to men who are so incapable, incapable of being the kind of.

Partner that they deserve.

Correct that I just want to be careful, Like I don't want to say, well, just hang in there, girl, you just got to teach them, because I'm like, I say, you actually just need to find somebody who's like, you're dope.

I'm ready to show up for you.

Yeah.

Right, I'm excited about moving things forward with you.

I see how amazing you are.

I mean, you know, even going back to the whole career thing, I mean my previous relationship that was seven years long.

In the relationship that I'm in now, which is only relatively new actually because I had a very eventful year last year while I was ready.

But I but I feel like, you know, I could not have built my business if I didn't have my partner because and it's not and it just because of the support and just of the love and just knowing like I have this safe space that I can go and I can you know.

I was just I was, you know, I had this book that just came out, and I just had this melt down recently with my boyfriend because I was like, I'm writing so hard, you know, and I just like cried for like two hours and he just like held me and encouraged me and like told me how you know, Like, and I'm like, that's just there are men who do that, right, And so I want women to not feel like I have to just always be trying to pull out of somebody like the ability to like love me and to show me support, because there are men who will do that.

And I think ultimately this comes down to what is our relationship with ourselves and what is our actual belief in our deservingness of having somebody who takes care of you, who shows up for you, right, But that's the person who you are, who even if he's not perfect, because nobody is.

Even if he's not perfect, like, he still is trying, like he wants to do better, right, And I just think so many women get they just they just spend so much of their precious I agree with emotion energy I agree with you trying to get somebody to do better.

Who's like, that's not there are somebody better, but he's got to want to be better too.

To your point, for Jessica, because one thousand percent agree with it, we will stay longer than we should.

We will waste time.

But that's why I think that we should be testing for it.

Right.

If you don't have the practice of understanding how to guide him, does he respond to my guidance?

If this person isn't guideable, I need to get out.

I wanted to make that and I'm so glad you made that connection because I was sitting connect I'm like, yes, I think there's such great points, But it's about the timing.

It's like, you need to demonstrate in the first few months to a year of dating me that you are that you are willing to learn, learn, grow, be influenced, change, give me what I need.

You're figuring out what someone needs.

And maybe maybe you didn't grow up in a household where the man mopped the floors or carried a lot of some of the emotional weight of managing relationships in the family and all that, But are you willing to learn?

Are you willing to push yourself in that direction.

And I think you can figure that out early when you're dating, and then you're killed in that relationship.

And I think there's signs that we miss that we ignore.

I think that that's what we have to understand as women.

I trained with the Gotmans and one of the things that they speak highly on is a woman's power of influence.

If a man cannot be influenced by her, she has no power.

And so that's where we need to wake up.

And I agree, and I think when it comes to dating, the way that I talk about this is like you want to see and we're being so heteronormative here, So anybody who's like not straight, I see you and I acknowledge you, and everything that I'm saying to me actually applies to everyone, which is when you're dating somebody and early dating, I'm like, if somebody is not an early dating able to like meet you where you are, and that's how I think of it, right, So even like like like a take a common scenario, somebody matches with somebody on a dating app or maybe you meet them in person, and now you're texting buddies, right, And now you're texting and they're texting you good morning, beautiful, how's your day?

And you and you have this.

Whole like superficial non relationship, like this texting relationship, and when people they'll be like, oh god, it's just like why does he just keep sending me this?

And I'm like, well, do something about that, like don't just respond to those messages every day, like say like, hey, you know, what if you actually like if you if you want to get to know me, if you want you know, if you want to move things forward, if you want to get like let me know, like you just put the ball in his court.

And that to me is like Okay, who can meet you there?

Who can be like okay, yes, Like I'd love to take you out?

What time you know, when are you available?

What is your weekend looking like?

What?

Like That's what I'm looking for.

And I want people to like feel empowered to say, like I don't just have to go along with the just how it is or how this other person is behaving.

I actually am co creating this dynamic because that's the thing.

And I think in dating and Mary, tell me what you think about this, But I think so many people are so focused on I want somebody who checks all these boxes and they just are so focused on the other person that they're not actually thinking about but what happens when we come together?

What are we co creating together?

Because that relationship that the two of you are going to have is its own entity.

It's a brand new dynamic.

It's never existed before.

And if you are from the very beginning just like, well, I'm just going to sit here and hope that you know, they read my mind and hope that they step up like that's not what are you doing?

You know, you're setting yourself up for not great success in my long term.

In my opinion, when you think.

Mar I think that it's extremely important that you always check in with self.

Right.

So even in so that's like to start with the first communication piece that you said, right, I don't like the way that this guy is messaging and he hasn't.

Asked me out yet.

I know you aren't as heavy as differentiating between the masculine and feminine, but the masculine will say this is you know, this is wasting my time.

If you're not that into me and you're not taking me out, I gotta go.

What I practice is the feminine, which is what is the language that he needs to hear to get what I want?

So I really enjoy speing with you.

It is so stimulating.

I would love for us to take this to you know, maybe a FaceTime and potentially see if the energy match is there.

Once we establish that, then we can move them to Oh, I really loved this.

I would love to see you in person.

You know we had a great connection.

It is it's in the language that we use that makes them feel good about themselves.

But also checking in with well, when I do this, how does he make me feel about me?

Do I like how he is responding to me?

If I don't like how I because I know I'm coming with it because I have the skill.

But if he's not showing up and reinforcing the great juju that I'm giving, then I.

Know it's not a good fit.

And then the second element is I'm a huge advocate for something that I created called the Pizza qualities.

Is the crust that you believe makes him a good person.

Okay, if this these are the five core values that you have and his character doesn't align with those five core values of the crust, then we can't move on to the sauce, because the sauce is what are the five qualities of what I need to feel loved?

Right?

I know how I give love.

These are these five qualities, But how do I need to experience it from him?

What is the treatment?

Because if he can't come through with the treatment, I don't care if he checks off all the good person things.

Now, the treatment is what actually helps you, guys to be involved, to do the dance together, to show his interest and his pursuit.

And then the last five or the toppings, Well, what do I need to be sexually attracted and take my clothes off for him?

Because the toppings are always negotiable?

Right, if he comes with the crust and the sauce, you're gonna want to be naked for him.

So what are those things?

And I think that we have missed it.

I think we're like, well, we need him to earn this, and we need him to be this, and we need him to you know, take.

Me out on ten dates before you know.

Like, there's so much noise out there about relationships and not coming from people like you and I Francesco, who have studied this, who have practiced this, who have implemented this, who have tested it on clients, and the Internet is telling people twenty thousand different things about what to do, coming from people who it's not their purpose.

It is not their purpose.

They are not.

Walking and listening to God's voice.

When they're giving you that information, they're speaking from wounds.

They're speaking from sometimes because I'm spiritual.

Sometimes it's the enemy.

They don't want us in healthy relationship.

They're just venting.

They grabbed a mic and they're venting.

But they're not guiding us to love.

And that's Sart's one of most when within the feminine, I'm sorry.

We are the masters of love.

We are the masters of love, and if we're not tapping into it, then that's also going to have a ricochet effect on our men.

But no, we don't stay longer than we should.

We test for it all the time.

What are some early relationship green flags for y'all, Like if you're seeing these things from the beginning, even if it seems like a fixer upper, Because I always equate dating to kind of like looking for investment properties.

You're not going to get everything you want in one house, but what has got good bones?

What can we work with?

I always test for a problem solver, whether I'm presenting to you a challenge that I'm having at work, or I need this fixed, or I don't know what I'm going to do about you know this flat sire, or I don't you know know how to fix this bookshelf.

Does he lean in and say I got you okay, or I'm gonna hire someone to do it for you.

I prefer him to do it himself.

But as long as it gets fixed, handyman is very attractive because that shows, you know, his ability to build.

It shows the masculine men or you know, extreme builders.

If he doesn't want to build with me or for me, then he's not going to actually invest.

In me later.

And so to me if he's like, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry to experience that, like you know, what are you going to do about?

Like to me, it's the it's the problem solving mode because I don't want to work that hard.

I don't want to live a hard life.

I want to live a spicy life.

Jessica, what about you?

I definitely agree.

I agree with that.

Like somebody who is a problem somebody who is proactive generally so proactive about getting to know you, proactive about spending time with you.

I mean, the thing that makes me crazy is when people and again I'll just go back to this heterodynamic membor not here, you know, like when when women are like doing all they can to try to get this guy to ask them out again, and I'm like, if he's not, if there's not the enthusiasm, if there's not the like actual proactive drive of like, yes, I want to spend time with you.

I want to get to know you better.

I care about what it is that you care about.

Like those are the things that I think are really great green flags.

And I also think that, you know, people who have personal responsibility, right, so, people who take responsibility for their lives, for their choices, like you know.

So the opposite of that is somebody who's blaming everybody for everybody else for all their problems.

Is their exes that terrible, everybody's terrible, everybody's out to get them, you know.

The opposite of that somebody who's like, not that there isn't lots of nonsense that happens in the world, but they are basic just feel empowered enough, like I actually take responsibility for my actions.

Because if you are in a relationship with somebody who does not take responsibility for their actions, you are going to suffer for sure.

So I'm really looking for that enthusiasm, that proactivity and just like, okay, this is a responsible person who actually because if you think about, like, if.

You're looking for a life partner, do you.

Want to be with somebody who doesn't know how to pay a bill on time or you know, who doesn't know how to like, you know, say I'm sorry, I'd be like, yeah, actually I mess that up.

I need to do better, Like it's it's not going to be such a happy relationship and who cares about you and who's excited about you?

Right, because that's the other thing you don't want somebody to just be with you?

Like all right, well you're here.

Do y'all have a favorite dating reality show other than Stiklings?

But do you have one?

Because there's married a First Sight, there's love is Blind, there's love Isoland.

Like, do y'all have a show that you kind of watch, like, you know for funzies you enjoy.

Love sneaky links and love is blind?

You like love is blind?

Okay, Okay, the concept of not being able to do this, So it's the concept, right I love Scripted, though Scripted has my heart, but the concept of reality and love is blind of you not being able to see the person and just experience them.

To me, that is like, uh, I love that because I do think that as a society, we judge a book by its cover, and as much as we judge a person based on the toppings, that is not what makes a good.

Husband or why.

At the end of the day, the priorities is how this person makes you feel, how this person helps you, how this person you know, is aligned with your purpose.

While you do want to have sexual attraction, just the concept of that show to me is so moving because honestly, love is blind on dating apps right now until you actually see the person in person.

I just wish they wouldn't make you put a ring on it.

That's where they kill the people in that show.

As production, you've got to have that thing at the end, that is that like final moment of decision, you.

Know, Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was.

I was.

I have a reality dating show concept that I was.

I was partying with a production company and we were starting to pitch it and everybody's like, but because it was it was that like, it's not you're not at the altar at the end, and they're like, but you know, we need to raise the stakes.

They gotta like, you know, they want that that high stakes that you know, marriage at the end.

But I'm not a.

Huge fan of these shows because they tend to I have watched Love is Blind, and it stresses me out.

I just I just find it fascinating how much people project.

It's like, yeah, so they're not seeing each other, but the way they say things to each other, like I'm gonna make you happy, You're never gonna feel sad or lonely ever again.

I'm going to make sure that you never feel And I'm like, this isn't people, this is not reality, Like, this is not how relationships work.

But but my favorite of those shows is Love on the Spectrum.

Why do you love Love Love on the Spectrum so much?

What is it about that?

Because I've heard a lot of people that's like their comfort watch.

Yeah, because it's the purity of it.

It's really just like everybody in the show, like they don't have any kind of like.

There's no artifice, there's no duplicity.

They're so open, they're so transparent, even to the point like they'll be on a date and they're like, I'm starting to feel overwhelmed.

Like they'll say that to each other and I would be like, okay, like do you want me to I can stop looking at you?

Or do you want to go take a walk or like and they're like okay.

Like I'm like, it's like the opposite of how those of us who aren't you know, on the spectrum at least not that far on the spectrum, because we're all on the spectrum somewhat.

It's like it's the opposite of how much of like just pretending and like I'm going to say this thing or I'm going to just like they just don't do that.

They're just totally genuine you know, they're like.

So you feeling you feel connected to their vulnerability and they're honesty.

Yeah, there is something extremely endearing about that, especially when you're dating in real life.

Though, Like, the more that we can do that right, that we can say, hey, this is how I feel, we can test work does this person receive it right?

Like?

How does this person handle my feelings?

They how did they get how did they respond to me?

I think we need to do more of that.

There's this fear.

You know, there's that show.

I didn't I wasn't obsessed with the show so much.

But the show with Kristen Bell and Homeboy from the OC where they had you know, that's another Netflix show.

What's it called.

It's called Nobody Wants This?

Oh, she had to marry a Jewish?

Was he Jewish?

Yes?

Yeah, yes, yeah, he's a rabbi.

But there was a part in that show that was going viral.

It's when he tells her you're not too much for me, like you can be messy like this, like it's not too much for me, and it was what was so romantic about that?

And like to what y'all are speaking about?

And as someone who's like god, I have so many I think any woman who's like us, who is like very resilient, ambitious, like exciting, like you bring so much light and sparkle to people's lives, there's something underneath that.

There's pain, there's trauma, there's a story there, and I think that that you know, and I'm healing from a lot and I have been my whole life.

And like sometimes you're afraid to show or not afraid, but sometimes you worry that if you show all that side to yourself and you show the raw, the yucky that you know, you show that early that the other person won't be won't we'll be like, oh, that bitch is crazy, or like that's too much for me.

And so that declaration of love but not love, but just saying like you can show me these sides of yourself and it's not too much for me.

I wish of that kind of love for so many more women, And like, I would love y'all's perspective on whether it's neurodivergency, Like if you're someone who's like I suffer from anxiety and depression, there's a lot about my mental health I didn't know about when I was twenty four dating my husband.

I didn't know how to like put a label on that.

But as soon as I did know, I was like, so, here's what we talked about therapy today, and here's this medication that I'm on.

And like, kudos to him because he was he was like, Okay, this is part of you.

I want to learn.

But what advice do you all have in relationships when you are maybe struggling with some mental health or you know, some conditions that you have and wanting to open up with your partner, but don't want to be You're afraid of rejection is really what it comes down to.

So one, I love the movie that you mentioned.

I love a great rom com, and I am obsessed with vulnerability and intimacy.

So the I in Spicy is intimacy.

When you are going to share information that's positive or negative, right that maybe you're afraid of the judgment.

I'm a firm believer and this is going in the book what you guys are have.

Very much heard about.

You test for can this person handle my vulnerability?

Right?

That's fish and broccoli.

When I give you this lighthearted, low stakes information that gives the perception of vulnerability, how do you handle that?

Because if you can't handle me telling.

You about the death of my father and how that affected me and we keep it light, then you're not going to be able to handle when I tell you that I didn't know him because he was in jail for twelve years and when I met him, he died from pneumonia because the hepatitis that he contracted in jail that already messed up his lungs, and you know, his family abandoned.

Like when I get into the steak and potatoes.

You're gonna run because you haven't earned that high level of intimacy to show me or prove to me that you can handle the fish and broccoli.

So we test for first, how does this person respond to the light fish and broccoli, And then if they respond well and they are emotionally available or supportive in this interactive intimacy process, then they can move on to steak and potatoes.

And then here are the real like wounds of my heart.

So I do think that there's you know, behind everything that I do is clearly strategy, but we're tossing and receiving, okay, And then we also test for a second step by saying, okay, I shared with you, Now give it up, you share it with me.

Right, we talked questions back, I just shared about something I experienced with my father.

Have you ever lost a loved one?

And how did you handle that?

If they're not willing to share with you, right, they responded what to maybe you said?

But then the next test is like, well will they give it back?

Then we're not going to be able to create your intimacy because if I'm the only one giving vulnerability and you may receive it.

But you won't exchange it.

We're at a deadlock.

The way I had to claw my husband out of his little cancer shell.

I tell you, if he's a cancer, I'm like, uh, is he all shell?

No?

Meed, I'm just like.

It makes you feel very lonely when the other person is not coming toward you, and you know, and they think that they're doing the right thing just being a sounding we're just listening, but it's that sharing.

It's like the echoing of maybe I don't know what you're going through, but here's something that I've gone through.

And when you don't have the emotional language or you're not used to go in there and being introspective, it creates loneliness that can be so like noxious or like almost like a cancer that kind of spreads.

And I think it's worse than being single.

I mean, if you're in a relationship with someone in you and you don't feel like you have that emotional intimacy, oh my god, that's so that's.

The loneliest feeling in the world.

I think in my definition of true love, which you know, I really define that as about a relationship and a relationship that has particular qualities and one of those is emotional intimacy, you know, emotional intimacy as well as physical intimacy.

And I agree with Madi totally, Like if you're sharing things with somebody and they're just like that's nice and they're not giving you because we all got something, you know, and they're not giving you anything in return, that's really not a good sign.

But I also will say I want to call out I want to call out women a little bit here, because there are a lot of women who, even though they say they want an emotionally vulnerable available man, their ability to actually handle that vulnerability from men is very low.

And that is something that a lot of women need to work on and recognize about myself, Like, like, oh, I liked him, but then he started talking about his dad and this and that, and then I started feeling like, oh.

God, well are you gonna cry?

Like I don't want to cry, you know, Like it's like this like all this narrative around, like oh, I don't want to see that, Like I want him to be kind of like has some softness, but I don't want.

To see that full vulnerability.

And I think a lot of women have a tendency to get turned off when a guy is like quote too vulnerable and tell and shares a lot of things that are that may be emotional, that may be difficult, And so I think that women need to check themselves on that and say like, Okay, well wait, what is it about me that I don't feel like?

You know, I see him as less masculine perhaps because he showed me.

I mean, this is like we're all this whole masculine feminine thing, like we're co creating this together.

And if you are somebody who equates being feminine with being in touch with your emotions and being masculine with being shut off from your emotions unless it's like anger or lust, basically, what kind of relationship are you actually going to have?

So I think it needs to be Yes, you're looking to see who can meet you there, but you're looking to see what is my reaction when somebody actually does show me that vulnerability.

Can I receive it from someone else?

Yeah?

I think as a mom of two boys and I always wanted a girl, I always thought like, this would be great, I can have a girl, I can, you know, And this is like my own stuff.

I think being a mom and being a parent is so egotistical.

Sometimes it's like, how can I heal myself through this baby?

But I was like, oh, with a girl, I can really teach her how to love herself and I won't make her feel other to her whole life and all that.

But then I don't have these boys, and I'm like, what are you trying to tell me?

Lord?

What is it about?

What is it about me that?

What is it that these boys are trying to teach me?

And I think in a way, it's like creating emotionally available, emotionally intelligent men who feel safe and who creates safe spaces for others for their feelings, and who also know how to get in touch with their feelings as well.

And I have hope for this generation of young boys.

I think that maybe like my husband's generation, like a little bit, they're getting a little bit, but still have so much work to do.

And I feel like this goes back to what you were saying in the beginning, Spicy about like how we can take some ownership over helping men, you know, reach certain emotional spaces.

And I think it starts as children, like in school in home.

You know, how are we cultivating these how are we like cultivating this emotional depth and safety in young men and so that they can grow up and again super heteronormative.

But hey, like, if we're talking about two men who are in partnership, even all the more better both two boys who were raised you know, But like, what are some like what would y'all like to see us do for young boys and men to help raise enter women, to but men aspect boys especially to help raise them into incredible partners so that it doesn't become the problem of their future partner, to fix an unpack and get down to the broken foundation and fix it for them.

I think you're right about how we're managing this generation because we have access to information and we're just so much more aware and conscious of our effect because our parents had a huge effect, right, Like all of those own therapy now because of what our parents did.

So we're like, Okay, how can we get that therapy build down for our children?

I think it really begins with us in the way that we teach them at a young age.

Intimacy and communication.

How do I express how I feel?

How do I receive somebody else's feelings?

And really having these conversations early on with them, right.

So it is very much.

Having them have it with you, role playing, but then also witnessing you do it in partnership.

Right, So I have a pack with my husband when we have a disagreement, we cannot yell, but we can have a disagreement in front of our child.

But if we're going to have a disagreement in front of him, he's also going to see the repair.

He's also going to hear you apologize to me, or he's also going to hear mommy made a mistake.

So that that way he is seeing in real time what it looks like for two people who were emotionally charged to then regulate and then also heal in real time their partner through a wound that was just created.

Right, And so now he's not as disruputees like whoa, I just saw that dynamic.

And then later on he actually at three has circled back to the discussion and been like, Daddy, I don't like the way you talked to mommy earlier.

Like holding my dad like his dad accountable too, how he spokes about like yes, then that's beautiful.

And I think just letting boys have emotions, right, I mean, how many times are boys told by the time they're like five, like no, no, no tears, like you're a big boy, Like they don't want to hear it, you know, and so like letting them cry, being physically affectionate with them, you know.

I mean that's another thing.

So often if you see how people they know they're affectionate with their daughters, but with their sons, it's like this whole other thing because it's like, no, he's got to be a man, and he's got to be hard, he's.

Got to be you know.

And so I think we've reached the end of that.

We see how much that that's toxic masculinity, the idea that to be masculine means that you don't have softness, you don't have emotion, you don't have vulnerability, that you don't desire affection.

That's not sexual because as much as men and people, we all love sex, right, but still like if the only time your partner's touching you is because they want to have sex with you, like that doesn't feel great.

Just as women, we don't only want to be touched when when they're in the mood for sex.

What you think men don't want to be touched?

Like you think that they don't care about affection.

You think that they don't care about creating those safe spaces for them, you know, to have that intimacy and that vulnerability.

So I think that.

Starts very young.

I just saw on the other day somebody pointed this out on social like you look at little kids clothing.

All the boys it's all like sharks and dinosaurs and alligators, it's all predators, right, And the girls it's like kittens and puppies and bunnies and butterflies and you know.

And so there's this idea again that's just constantly being reinforced through how we are socializing children that then grows up.

So if a boy's never kept permission to be vulnerable and that was always something that was shamed or looked down on, then yeah, how do you expect him to then be able to have true emotional intimacy as an adult in a relationship?

It's going to be really, really, really hard, and not only do their partners suffer, but they suffer.

So how can we start to see like being able to have access to like your full spectrum of emotion and human experience, which is hard.

We notice that being a person is not easy.

Yeah, you've noticed it takes every day to hold up his brain.

Yes, not easy.

So how can we like think about how do we equip each other with the tools so that we can navigate it together, because we're not meant to do life.

And when I say we're not meant to do life alone, I don't mean if you're single, that's terrible.

I just mean relationships in general, right, Like all of the love in your life has value.

Your friendships, your family relationships, everything has value.

And so yeah, I think we just need to give all kids.

But I think especially boys, we need to make sure that they get that message.

Yes, don't forget about the boys.

Don't dismiss boys in your life.

Look at them, Hug them, squeeze them, let them.

I don't have children, but I do have gods sons.

I have four of them, and I love them so much and it makes me so happy because they're all grown up.

The last one just graduated.

Congrat you, thank you.

I know I'm like my babies, but I love the fact that like they ask me for they ask me for dating advice, Like when they like somebody I know who they like, when they're dating somebody I know like, And it makes me so happy, like and they know, they're like okay, They're like they'll me to be like can I call you?

It's about a girl, And I'm like, yes, Jessica.

You brought up something that I think is super crucial that women.

I'm just gonna focus on my way right now that women need to understand when you said relationships, all relationships are important, right.

I think that we have this idea that when I get the guy, that that becomes the primary focus, and then when I get the kid, that becomes the primary focus.

Versus being extremely.

Intentional and mindful to pour into all my relationships continuously as much as possible, right because like that first year of having the baby, it's extremely hard.

But how do I nurture all of my relationships so that I'm not heavily dependsent on one to fill my love cup?

Right?

Because maybe my husband always doesn't have it for me, or maybe my son can't give it to me because he's a daddy's boy, or you know, how what other resources do I have to pour into my love cup so that I can have it feel so that then I can overflow into the other people in my life Versus I'm going to focus on just one person and now I'm you know, completely drained or I'm gonna, you know, give it all away and now I'm drained.

No, no, no, How can.

These relationships pour back into me as well?

I think everything is really about being intentional.

And you said like co creating earlier?

Okay, well, how does this person contribute to co creating what I want my friendships to look like?

How does this person contribute to how I want my love life to look?

How does this son create, you know, co create with me on what I want my parenting experience to be.

We're not going to knocket out the park and get perfect, but if we're intentional about how we want it to you know, feel Okay, well what am I going to do on my end to help us get there?

Right?

Like?

I can only show up?

Was so much energy?

Okay, now you've got to give some back.

If you're not giving it back, then I gotta move on to the next person.

So I think I think it just looks.

You know, we have to be very mindful of this, and I think you lose yourself if you do not, if you do not nurture all the relationships.

Yeah, I think early dating red flag is a man with no friends.

Or a woman or a woman who she can't get along with other women, and we're like, either to get along with it's come on now, girl, we give love so you can get one woman to love you.

Well.

I want to be mindful of time too, and I just want to I'm thinking of the right way to put a button on this, because there's obviously we can go on for hours.

We've talked about finding true love, and we've talked a lot, honestly about you know, the dynamics of a relationship, almost to the point where it's like it's not so much.

I think there's a lot of focus on like where do you meet men and like where how do you get But it's almost like that's half the us.

That's not even a whole battle.

The battle is once you're in that relationship.

If y'all could leave be a faan with some like parting advice and wisdom on nurturing that seed of a relationship that you want to last for the long term.

Just whether it's daily habits or annual habits or just what are some things that happy relationships, happy couples are doing that you would say to be a fan, consider doing that as well if you want your relationship to stay nurtured and healthy with the long haul.

I think I think that making sure that you don't lose yourself is really important.

And so what is being asked of you in a season?

Like what is love?

I mean this is a question that I you know, I asked my clients and I sent my book, which is like, what is love calling you to learn at this time?

And maybe it's calling you to learn, Oh, I need to learn to be more vulnerable.

Maybe I need to learn to be a little bit more brave and not so fearful of rejection because knowing that I can handle it, Like if it doesn't work out, I'm going to be okay.

Maybe it's developing more self trust.

Maybe it's developing more ability to give to another person to receive, like whatever it is for you, maybe it's just like, oh, I actually don't have a lot of confidence.

I don't have a lot of confidence.

To know how how to pick the right person, or how to meet people, or how to build relationships.

So what you're being called in the season is to learn some skills that are going to serve you in the long term.

But I think in long term relationships, if you and it's so easy to make it all about your partner and like you're not made me happy and you're.

Not doing this.

But I think it's really important to just say, Okay, well what am I doing to pour into my relationship with myself?

Because that's the blueprint, right, So, like, for instance, you know, if you have a habit of being in relationships with people who put you down or who diminish your dreams, like that would only be tolerable to you if that's something that you do within yourself, right, Because I can tell you if somebody did that to me, I'd be like you, I feel like that's hilarious that you think I'm gonna be interested in you if you don't support me.

Right, But it wasn't always that case.

It wasn't always that way.

But I have done enough of understanding of like, Okay, how do I start to treat myself with love?

So I can normalize within myself what do I want?

What I want to experience with other people?

And so I think that's really ultimately, you know, we are the center of our lives, and we are our own portal and conduit of all of the love that we're going to experience.

So if we lose sight of that and we make it all about other people, then we're putting way too much pressure on our relationships and we're also missing the point, which is about like your growth in love.

So I don't know if that answers the question, but.

That was a beautifully and here, Yeah, thank you for that.

It starts within, I wish.

I mean, it's hard because you're you're in relationships, you're meeting your match your twenties.

I was twenty four, biological clock is ticking.

Sometimes, My journey to self love probably didn't really heat up until I was like thirty two, so like, and that's and so you're trying to catch up sometimes with you catching up to loving yourself, and then it's like, wait, now I've cultivated these relationships that aren't in alignment with that, and so then that that journey is its whole thing.

But that's such a word, and I hope you know anyone who's listening is never too late to really just like love yourself and learn more about yourself and put that time into it.

So and the twenties are so hard.

Oh God, nobody tells you how hard.

The twenties are.

I love the twenties.

I love the twenties.

The twenties are also you couldn't pay me to go back.

The twenties were a time learn so much my twenties.

If I were to leave folks with some advice, my spicy tip would be, learn to fall in love with what's good for you.

Learn to eat your vegetables.

I think that we are addicted to candy.

Okay, I think that we're addicted to junk food.

And if you don't learn to love what's good for you, right, that is what is it that I need versus well, this is what I want right, just like with the diet, But what does my body need?

What is the nutrition that I need to be digesting right now versus what do I want that tastes good?

Because later on we have let's say, eating remorse or eating regret.

Right, I shouldn't ate that slice the cake.

I knew that cake was gonna, you know, be not good for me, and I did it anyways.

And it's the same thing when it comes to relationships and dating.

Like the red flags were there, you decided to still devour him anyways.

No, that this person is not good for you, and it's bringing out the worst in you.

And so I think that when we develop a healthy relationship with ourself, we will also be able to be more selective and see it more clearly in our decision making with others who is good for us and who is not.

But first we have to fall in love with what is good for us, and we need to be very intentional about that.

So, you know, I relate it to a swat.

I give a swap.

What are my strengths in relationship?

And how do I show up?

What are my weaknesses?

What do I suck at?

What are my wounds?

What are my opportunities for growth?

If I do this thing, if I pour into this area more, how will I develop in partnership and be more lovable to self therefore lovable to others?

And then what is the threat if I don't, I'm going to end up alone for the rest of my life?

Am I going to continue to date scumbags?

Am I you know, just going to go get inseminated?

Whatever the thing is, you know, what is the outcome?

What is the threat if I don't do this, If I don't start falling in love with what's good for me?

And so I think that that that is where we begin for my ninety day program, the Spicy Life.

Let's start there.

I can help you guys with this as well.

Okay, now drop yeah, drop your What are we promoting.

We're promoting Nikolinks on Netflix, Niki Leaks on Netflix, and my ninety day program, the Spicy Life Program.

So it really is a ninety day program where I.

Teach you about self passion, intimacy, communication, and learning to say yes.

So I've kidnapped you for ninety days we're doing with the coaching sessions, there's an entire curriculum where I'm teaching the method, the skill set, and the formulas around not just manifesting love, but really being intentional about partnering with your purpose mate.

And a lot of that is around the psychology and behavioral science and emotional guidance to partnership.

Because we aren't educated in that area.

We have done all the work to become successful to pursue our careers.

If we put that amount of intentional education and energy around relationship, oh my god, this would be a different world, right, This would be a completely different world.

So the Spicy Life ninety day Program and then my podcast is Spicy Life.

Where can we Where's the best place even website for all this?

Yeah, the Spicy spicylife dot com.

Now, when did you have to buy that domain?

I thought there was some runchy stuff.

I bought the domain.

Surprisingly it was available.

I'm like, I guess it was available, and I was like, oh, this is it's meant to be.

Okay, spicylife dot comflict do in the show notes?

Be fam And what about you, mes, Francesca.

Well, I have my new book, How to Find True Love, available wherever you get your books or your audio books, I mean for me.

I also have a podcast it's called Dear Franny.

I have a course, a thirty day course.

It's called How to Date with Intention, and it's it's really just a way to do some of the pre work before you're even focusing on I want to meet to what I want to meet to one But like everything you just said, Maddie, like you know, we have to learn how to fall in love with what is good for us, right, And so a lot of the work that I do is around that and helping people to break patterns and to grow in ways that they are attracted to something different than what they have then in the past, because your.

Attractions do change as you grow.

And yeah, so I've got you know, lots of different things of doing live events, teaching people about flirting, which is something we haven't talked about, but I'm really passionate about that.

There's a lot of dating problems.

People get good at flirting, you know, and can effectively do that.

So I don't know when this podcast is coming out.

I do have a program coming out in August.

It's called Romantic Activation, and that's really for people who feel just kind of like stuck in dormant and like they don't feel you know, they don't feel love, confident, they don't feel sexy, they don't feel connected to their mojo.

And yeah, we're going to get you there.

Okay, that's well, be and when's that activation happening?

So it actually starts in like a week.

Well, that's fine, you'll do more, be a fan, we'll do well.

I am just so grateful NBA family.

You don't even know.

This is our second try at this episode.

We done had so many critical issues of I don't even know what happened.

It was something, but I'm so grateful we got to chat more, you know, getting to know y'all one on one.

I hope y'all collabse because I think y'all just are you.

Know well friend already responded to some emails for me.

I've been picking this girl's brain.

Yes, she's guiding me, she's giving me all the like you know, she's a girl's girl.

And like I said her email, I was like, I really appreciate this like she's and you too, Mancy.

Both of you guys gave me some gyms on how to get a book published.

So I'm so grateful for you guys like you two are a manifestation of the love that we want to spread, right, and so I really appreciate your guys of even being trusting and vulnerable with me.

So thank you ladies so much, because I was like, oh my god, you guys are such a resource.

Thank you.

Oh.

Likewise, yeah, if there's ever anything I.

Can do, you helped me with my brown ambition.

I can't wait for that book to be coming out, all right, bea fan.

Please check the show notes speak and find out how to connect with Spicy Moddy and Francesca, get all their things, send up for all their programs, will keep you tuned and please feedback is welcome.

If y'all want more relationship content from Brown Ambition, let me know slide into my DMS.

I'm at Brand Ambition Podcast on ig or you can email me directly Brand Ambition Podcast at gmail dot com.

And until next time, we will see you later BA fan bye