Traditions, much like rules, are often made to be broken.

You.

I can't believe you literally took my SoundBite.

Smiling, give it back.

I'll give you something, but it won't be the tradition.

Next tradition made to I give you something, it won't.

I literally you know what started the show.

Dead Ass?

It all started with real talk, unfiltered, honest and straight from the heart.

Since then, we've gone on to become Webby award winning podcasters in New York Times bestselling authors.

Dead Ass was more than a podcast for us.

It was about our growth, a place where we could be vulnerable, be wrang.

Of course, but most apportly be us.

But as we know, life keeps evolving and so do we.

And through it all, one thing has never changed.

This is.

Because we got a lot to talk about.

All right, story time, This is a tradition I couldn't wait to break because it broke my heart every time it happened.

What was it?

So?

Did they have anything to do with me?

No?

No, no, no, no, it had nothing to do with you.

This.

I'm gonna take y'all back to nineteen ninety two.

I'm eight years old, all right, school, just lets out second grade, parents drive us down to Tennessee.

They're my grandparents were having a good time.

You know, every night we play spades.

Right one morning, I wake up looking around for my mom and my dad.

They go, and when I mean.

Gone, They put us to bed the night before like everything was going to be the same.

And when we woke up, they were no longer in Tennessee and we didn't see them for eight weeks.

Wow.

They just devastating as an eight year old.

Yeah, in the middle of the night, just you wake up.

And then my grandparents were like, in their minds, it was you don't harp on this.

They'll get over it with my mom and dad.

You imagine New York.

Don't start that crying now, all right.

My parents just left me in the middle of the night.

My grandmother and my grandfather told me not to cry about it.

I'm gonna just go back in the room with my brother.

And the first thing I did was tell Brian that that mom and daddy was going, and he started crying, and I was just like, you cannot go out there.

Oh my god.

Did you guys console each other?

We did like we did, we all we got everybody do this every time I told her leave.

They said, they leave.

They look, we did all.

Of that crying and your parents never felt bad about it.

Huh, Nope.

Summer after summer after summer, similar thing happened to me.

My mom had gotten my aunt to come by the night before they were supposed to leave.

We didn't know where they were going anywhere.

I had to have been about five, because Tristan was a baby.

He was like maybe a year old, and I'm thinking to myself, oh, my aunt is by.

She was my favorite aunt at the time.

I'm like, we're having a good little night, go to bed, and wake up the next morning my parents are gone.

Similar thing.

I don't understand what it was about them not wanting to have the conversation with us about us leaving, or maybe they didn't want to break our hearts by letting the stuff that they were leaving.

Not sure what I think they didn't want to break their own hearts, so they were like, let's just go.

Because I know my mom would have saw us crying, probably been like Troy, yep, we could take him back.

And my father wanted his wife, and it was like lave but that's my father.

I know.

That was my father.

Patience.

He was ready to get up there.

He's gonna do it best for him first, for sure, for sure.

Karaoke Times, speaking.

Of the year, I said, nineteen ninety two.

Remember where we were tenness See, Oh, Tennessee, tennas See, tennis See.

Lord really been real stress down and now losing rest thorough bag black and proud.

The hard times got me pestimistic.

Take me to another place.

Take me to.

We forget all that hurts me.

Let me understand your plan.

I didn't know what their plan was because that shit hurt.

Shout out to Rusted Development.

Understanding your plight in life.

It was so perfect for what I was going through at that time.

No for real, Oh my gosh, oh my gosh.

All right, y'all, let's take a quick break.

We're gonna come back in and we're gonna talk about traditions that we have decided to break.

I'm interested to hear what Josh, Matt and Tripple have to input in this, so we'll be back first though, with op or no op.

Stay tuned.

All right, we're back.

It seems like you're okay now, though you were able to get over it because you guys went back to Tennessee several years, and I guess you just realized that that was gonna be the norm.

School was gonna end and the next morning, you guys are gonna be out.

We never even went back home after school.

My Aunt Monique shout out to my aunt Monique used to pick us up from PS two thirty five two oh eight or Bethlehem Baptist Academy, whichever school were in that time.

And as soon as dismissal happened, we was in her Hondai and on a thirteen hour drive to Tennessee.

Hey, you couldn't even go home and collect your things, No, because you know you're belonging.

Don't let them think they're gonna stay here, all right, take them right to Tennessee right now.

Plus, it was Brooklyn in the nineties.

It wasn't the safest place for kids to be out in the streets work still, Yeah, they both had wall I understand it now, because childcare is too expensive and if you have grandparents are gonna watch them for free?

Like, nah, I don't have them in the streets for eight weeks in Brooklyn.

Send them somewhere where they can do things that don't hurt people, like tip cows and clon trees and stuff.

So do you feel like now as an adult in retrospect having your own children, that it robbed you of summertime memories with your parents or it just enriched your opportunities to spend time with your grandparents.

Wow, that's actually a really good question.

I think that my parents did the best thing they could with the opportunities they had.

Right Like, back in those days socioeconomically, both parents had to work, and both my parents worked nine to fives.

And you have an eight year old and a six year old, what are you going to do with them?

Because camps in those times cost thousands of dollars per weeks.

And my parents, you know, we weren't wealthy.

My dad was working multiple jobs and my mom worked for the city.

So they did what they had to.

So I feel like they did what was in the best interest of not only them, but was for the family.

Because I adore my grandparents to this day because of the eight weeks that I spent with them in Tennessee, Like everything that I've learned about bid wist, how to cook, how to clean, it was like a boot camp for eight weeks of how to become an adult, and I appreciate my parents for that now.

It hurt in the moment, you know, because no one ever.

Wants to just be left out of the the plan, even if you ate, you want to know, like, hey, we're going to drive there there, we'll be there for a week with y'all, but then we're leaving.

So I feel like that part was a little traumatic, and I kind of lost trust for my parents, you know, when they used to say things to me after that, I didn't believe.

I second guessed everything.

So straightforward, we're gonna be leaving, say goodbye.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

One time my mom went out of town and somebody from church, her name was Denisia.

She came to babysit the same thing in the middle of the night, and I used to sleep in my mom's bed.

I used to go get in my mom's bed and I was sleep with my one arm and one leg wrapped around her.

And so I wake up with my arm on my leg wrapped around Denisia's.

I ain't know Denisia was there.

That's where it started.

Denisa was kind of thick too.

No, but that fucked you up, didn't it.

No, But I'll never forget that.

I was just like, damn.

It made me.

It made me think about just getting in somebody's bed, wrapping my body around them.

Though, because you never know who's up in there.

It makes you a little more cautious.

Remember when she became Goldilocks, that's where you got that from.

I don't remember too much.

Ship.

Remember, so now your mother's that's the origin story, Denise, is the reason why you broke into that young lady's apartment.

Her bad.

Now we all know, we understand you better trouble parents.

Yall see what y'all do to us.

Listen, you realize that, Kay?

When Kate goes to it like where you're going?

What time you leaving?

You leave right now?

Did you kiss me?

You are where you going?

You call me when you got there?

What's happening?

Yeah, that's me, that's me.

It will happen again.

No, There's been many times I've got in places and I just got wrapped up in the moment and he'd be like.

Yo, did you get there?

I'm like, oh God, here goes my bad.

And I'm not doing that to the kids.

We make it a point.

Your mom.

Remember we used to go on date nights and kyroll be crying.

Yeah, she'd be like, why you do this and tell them why don't you just leave?

And I'm like, no, I want them to know when we're going, and I want to be clear that we're coming back so that they trust us when we're leaving.

And now it's that simple when we say we're leaving and they know we're coming back.

You know, all right, opera, no opp what we got today.

Well, we got black power on the docket today.

Come on, now, I just want to make sure that you know and and we know what it's about over here.

But I saw a really interesting clip.

There's this documentary on Hulu is called The sixteen nineteen Project.

Have you seen it?

It's been out for a little bit of time.

Yeah, project, I think it came out in twenty.

It's Nicole Hannah Jones.

She's a journalist, and she did this piece for like The New York Times or something a while ago about the sixteen nineteen Project.

You turned into a book and then they did a documentary about it.

But in this clip, she's talking to an expert about the racial wealth gap, which we all know about.

And I just thought this was an interesting thing to bring up to Davao and the rest of the group, because basically, this expert is saying that no matter what obstacles Black people kind of reach, or whatever milestones they reach, they still don't close the racial wealth gap.

So she asked about marriage.

Does marriage close the weal racial wealth gap for black families?

And he said that white families have two times White families with two parent household have two times the wealth as Black families with two parent households.

College degrees don't don't close the wealth racial wealth gap.

Black head of households with a college degree have about two thirds of the wealth as a white head of household who didn't graduate from high school.

Yeah.

And then she asked what about savings because people always say black people need financial literacy, they need to save more money.

And he said, actually, when you compare income categories, black people save just as much or more than white families and still don't close the racial wealth gap.

So I want to know, I want to know why.

Yeah, I would like to hear an opinion.

The reason why is because of land.

It's because of land.

Most white families now who have generational wealth have gotten that generational wealth after four hundred years of stealing from black people.

So you're never going to make up that wealth gap in a generation.

Right, So you figure four hundred years sixteen nineteen project twenty twenty five, that's four hundred years.

So you figure generation is about twenty twenty five years.

So you figure every century has four generations.

So it's been four hundred years, four generals.

That's sixteen generations of a wealth gap created, and we are trying to make up for.

It in ten years.

So we'll never seeing it.

We will never see it.

Especially with systems in place to not allow.

Us talk about it, talk about it to begin to start to close the gap.

Yes, it's systematic at this point.

And the reason it happens is because of things like redlining, right, things like insurance fraud on things like appraisal biases where even if you purchase a home, your house will be appraised less than your white counterpart.

Yeah.

I just saw another video of a black man in New York who was selling and we know how much those Brownstones and New York going are going for their praises for less than a million dollars, which is.

Crazy, and so then he less than a million, he.

Took all of the pictures of himself his black family down and he had them come out and do it again, and they praise it for half a million dollars more.

Yeah, and this and things like that.

Is when people say to me, what racism is.

Racism is not someone calling you a nigger.

That's not racism, that's bigotry, that's ignorance.

Right, racism is systemic Racism is preventing a group of.

People from building.

Right.

Racism is the Tosa Tosa, Oklahoma bombings.

Right when you say, well, get let them do their thing on their own, and then when they try you systematically.

Get rid of them or violent or violently get rid of them.

And there are there are no consequences of repercussions for anybody who does it.

It's currently happening today, like right now in our country, is happening right now with dismantling of DEI, you know, with taking away Medicare.

What happens is because Medicare and Medicaid affects black people and people of color at a higher rate than it affects white people.

Right, when you take.

Away DEI and you allow biases to be allowed in the workplace, so now someone can honestly say I don't want to hire you because you're black, or because you're gay, or because of your religious distinction.

Now that's okay.

How do you stop people who are making the laws because most of I think most of the government is still compiled of sixty to seventy year old white men.

Sixty to seventy year old white white men were born in the fifties, so they grew up at a time where segregation was normal.

Those are the people making the laws now, and they don't care about what's happening to us.

So no, the generational wealth gap won't change amongst black and white people in ten years.

It's going to take another four hundred years.

But we have to start now.

It's daunting.

I know, yeah, it's a lot.

And I was also thinking about those men like you said, that are white men sixty seventy eighty years old, the trickle down effect.

I'm wondering at what point will there be a shift in the mindset, if there ever will be, or is it that they're so indoctrinated in that that they've indoctrinated their children.

So those people who are now going to be in office will continue to keep those systems in place.

I mean, if let's be fair, if I'm them and I'm in a position of power, do I give up my position of power?

Right?

So we can't expect them to give up their position of power.

What we also have to realize is that we're not stuck doing anything or staying here, right, Like, there are other ways to live.

We don't have to live underneath this system, right.

We also don't have to live with them in this system.

We can do things and buy our own land and create for ourselves.

You know.

I just I'm not a.

Big proponent of trusting or believing or listening or waiting for the government to do anything for me and my family.

So from this moment on, we just got to build with each other, y'all, Like why continue to wait?

Yeah, with each other?

I think too.

Something that what's happening in Gaza and has been happening over the last two years has taught me is that black and brown people are the global majority, and the only thing that's keeping us from being a superpower is that we are disjointed.

And that's by no mistake by white supremacy power structure.

So black people from the continent of Africa, Africa is the most minimal rich continent on.

The plane in the world.

Everything that we have, everything that we make, the minerals come from Africa.

So what if we said, what if Africans said, and African Americans said, we are only doing business with each other, We're taking white people out of the equation because the generational wealth gap is too wide, the poverty in Africa is too stark.

Black Americans have resources that can be used for Africans who have rec sources that can be used for Americans.

So why not do it together?

Like that's I think that's what it's going to take.

I saw a clip and I showed it to you.

There's this guy that walks around I don't know his page.

It's just you know, Instagram feeds you stuff.

But he pretty much would stop millionaires billionaires in transit and be saying, hey, when did you start your business?

How did you become wealthy?

Do you have any advice for people?

And remember this one particular white man was He's like, you know, how are you going to continue to grow your wealth?

And he was like Africa.

This white man said Africa.

And I was so like triggered for a moment because I was like, so that's going to be your meal ticket to be a trillionaire is you're going to go to Africa to pretty much.

But it's just from.

From the Cush dynasty that had sawt in gold mines since then, you know, before slavery, ancient civilizations, all of all trades started in Africa.

You know, what we have to start doing is realizing that the value doesn't come into currency.

Right, Think about the wealthy people here who live in America.

They want to go.

Back to the islands and spend time on the islands with the island people.

Right, So why are so many island people in a rush to come to America to get this life that is not real?

When all of the people here are trying to get to the islands, we change the value system of what currency is.

True.

Currency isn't in money.

Imagine you can live on your own little three acres in an island where you can get fresh fish, you can get cows, you can get vegetables on your own, and you can raise your family the way you want to without having government in affairs.

More and more enticing much for that day by day, take this due citizenship and move this family to Jamaica seriously, the true value of life is not in currency.

It's not We need to start recognizing that as a people.

If we recognize that as a people, we wouldn't be in a situation we are because since we think it's currency, we try to get our currency to match up to them.

But that's not what's value to us.

To me, value a sun, eating fresh food, and living the way.

I want to live.

You know what I'm saying, I don't.

I don't value wars.

I don't value owning an oil field so that I can just make more money, to say that I have more money than someone else.

That just isn't value.

And I think we as a people need to change our value systems.

Well, thank you.

I had to have my little revolutions real quick.

Y'all might not know yet, but I'm brainwashing all right now.

Might not know what a doctor saying.

I'm want black.

I can't stay that.

So before we get into the meat of this show, I thought we've talked a lot about millennials delaying marriage, people not getting married and not having kids.

But I saw something recently, and that recently that said men with no kids and no plans for marriage are the fastest growing demographic.

I think we normally talk about it in terms of women delaying marriage because they're focused on their careers or they don't want to have kids.

But now they're saying sixty three percent of men under thirty are single, and many are not actively looking to be married or to have kids.

So opera, No, I interesting these.

Niggas is weak.

Say focus on yourself, King, I have a focus on yourself.

Let me ask a question a married man, say, y'all ladies, because y'all are ladies right if you if you well, you have sons?

Right?

And you look at the climate the way they're talking about marriage on social media and a women are equating marriage to just money and all of the things a man is supposed to do to make himself worthy to be married to her, but it comes with no qualifications for a woman.

Why would you be in a rush to get married if you was a man?

Oh, I completely get it, and I see that, and having sons it makes me really kind of reassess things.

But I've also had the conversation with some women who I know who are still single, and I've had very candid conversations to say, hey, the type of man that you want to pull.

Are you the type of woman that that kind of man would want?

Well, what standard is that for a woman?

Because we have yet to hear on social media what that standard is for a woman.

We know what the standard is for a man.

Got to be six foot, got to have six figures, got to have abs, you got to be able to fuck all day, you got to be emotionally aware and secure and love God.

We know all the standards for a man that women require.

What is the standards for a woman?

Yeah, I don't know, and social media is the wrong place to try to find that too.

But that's why that's why more men are saying marriage ain't worth it.

Because also, if I marry you, you're.

Entitled to half of all of my assets.

So then what's the financial value for marriage in this day and age unless you value marriage?

See for me, I don't listen to social media for my validations for why I get married.

I get married for my own personal reasons and I don't need anybody else to tell me why I need to value marriage.

But if there's a generation of people who are not being raised by parents, and they're being raised by these bots, and they're being raised by phones, and they're being raised by messages on television.

And podcasts and not including ls.

Try to give sound advice.

My sons.

I'm raising y'all for real.

Everybody listening.

You know.

I have a serious question though, because because Triple said these niggas is weak, what's the what is the value proposition that makes marriage valuable to a man these days?

Based on everything we've seen in pop culture.

I think that if men want to continue.

The population of humans, you have to get married and there you know, you can have kids.

You can, But I mean, how many women are going to do that?

You know, if women are saying that men don't just deserve pussy, they gotta pay for it.

You don't deserve my womb, you have to provide for it.

Then you do got to get married to have kids.

So if that's what you're looking for, So here's the thing, because y'all to put everything on men because they said this stat also says they are not actively looking to marry or.

Have kids, right, so actively and they're not actively looking.

But you said, if women are saying, y'all don't deserve pussy, you gotta pay for all, women aren't saying that, And there's many of.

Women who are just giving it up.

So if you're a man and you don't value marriage, your kids, and there's plenty of women who only value their jobs and they willing to give up the pussy for a man, why would he get married?

If there's there's a contingent of women who also don't want to get married and don't have children either.

Some women are out there just wanting to have a good time too.

And I'm saying, and I agree with you, So I'm saying is if those women exist and there are men like that, why would what's the value proposition for a man to get married?

If there's women out there that I can just have frivolous sex.

Well, I think that invalidates your previous point because you're saying that there are women who hold different ideals than each other.

So there are all women.

Aren't saying that men have to have a certain amount of money or whatever to get married.

There are women who are dating below their pay grade.

There are women who are having kids out of wedlock.

There are women who aspire to marriage, who want to be traditional wives or whatever that means.

But sometimes either we're focusing on the loud minority people are not.

I think too, it's the lack of the third space, the lack of like in person social interaction, the lack of social skills that people have.

We don't know how to talk to people.

Agree I more so than I see women, you know, saying that men need to have this, this, and that on social media because my algorithm is probably different than yours.

I see women posting screenshots of their text messages with men who have hissy fits when they're asked to plan a date.

Or if a woman says if a guy says, can you hang out today and she says, no, you can plan something for I'm available in a couple of days and he says, well, this is why x y Z, or a man says, you know you were I saw a text message where a guy went to visit a woman that he met online and she didn't pay for his hotel she and he was mad, like, you should have paid for my flight and you should I'll be seeing stuff like that, So I think that it's a lot of the loud minority that's sharing their stories.

And I also think that dating is a very modern concept, like back in the day people married for convenience, when women couldn't own property, when women couldn't vote, when they couldn't really work, and now that that we have more choices, I think that women are allowed to say what they want and what they will tolerate from a man or from anybody that's asking them for their womb, for their time, for their effort.

So I think that's what's happening, and men aren't used to that.

Men aren't used to having stipulations on what it takes to be a husband honestly or to be with a cap cap.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Because I'm a lesbian, so I really can't say I can.

And it's hard to talk, but I got to point this out.

I get those I see those texts too.

Ben, Yeah, yeah, you on you on lesbian talk right.

Also seen women right in passing who are like, let me hit up homeboy, because I know I can get a meal and I can get you know, a back or whatever this may be, depending on what they're in the market for.

Some women are the market just to be wined and dined.

You have to have the discernment to be like, okay, is the kind is this the kind of woman that I know?

I want to either date that I want to marry, that I don't want to marry that I just want to have a good time.

With That's and that's my point.

My point is they are both.

Let those jokers find each other each other.

Those jokers don't represent those people who want to get married.

That's why I'm never going to place a blame on any particular gender, because for every fuck boy you can find, I can find.

A city girl.

You know what I'm saying.

So I'm never going to.

Say, oh, it's the men, niggas ain't shit, because then I can come up here and say, bitches ain't shit.

But I'm not going to say that.

The women you date or the women you see that are treating you that way.

It's more about the women you choose, not all the women on earth.

And it's the same thing for men.

So you have a bunch of texts of men who get hitsy fits.

Why you keep choosing men who have hissy fits?

Why don't you choose a man who is emotionally intelligent?

You want to know why they won't, because when you come across a man who is emotionally intelligent, who has boundaries, who has standards, most women can't deal with that.

Well, these text messages be like it was the first this happened like the first date.

Yeah, it's like either it's on the dating app or right before the first day or right after the first day.

What if people just be like trolling people like that even sound and people tend to be a product of their environment.

So my office, considering that I have four boys, my boys see de valin eye.

They see also a lot of married couples who we hang out with who also have children that they converse with and socialize with.

So I think the norm for my boys will be, Hey, I want to have a healthy marriage with children.

And you know, Cairol will say it and I think it's a joke, but I think he's dead as serious.

He's like, yeah, I want to have six kids.

My wife and I are going to hit a house and then you and Daddy can live like and Papa, and I believe that he will be that kid that will go into a man who values that.

So really it tends to be to your point, babe, who you surround yourself with, the type of people that you pick and if you're a man, that's just like you know what, I don't aspire to be married and I want to be single and not having any children.

Don't put nobody through.

That's that trauma of doing the other.

That's the other side of it.

I agree with you.

Like the people who are doing that and putting stuff on social media typically are looking for a response, They're looking for engagement, So it's going to be the most outland this thing.

The same way dudes will put up that, Oh, I asked you chick to go out.

And she expects to do this.

I'm like, dude, you keep picking the same women.

I'm not going to keep having empathy for you.

Let those people who play those games play those games together.

There are a contingent of people.

This is the percentages about sixty nine percent of men.

Who did they ask who?

Like, I want to know who's the sixty nine percent?

So you ask two thousand people.

There are six billion, no eight billion people in the world.

You ask two thousand people, and now you're saying sixty nine percent of men say this.

That's not even one percent of the population that somebody nobody asked.

And that's my nobody never asked me.

I'm no longer dealing with those those stats.

We are as.

A community of people have to start realizing right that there's a lot of bullshit on this freaking app.

There's a lot of bullshit on this freaking TV.

Right.

You have to look at your surroundings and say to yourself.

If I'm not surrounding as the bullshit.

Yeah, non.

A mid life crisis.

Right.

If I'm not getting what I want out of my life based on these people around me that I can touch, I need to change change my environment and start blaming the opposing gender because I can't find what I'm looking for in a man or a woman.

You know what I'm saying, Like that conversation to me is freaking day sides.

That's absolutely because it's the same thing with dudes.

I got young boys that I'm mentoring now, and all they keep showing me is bullshit about girls.

And I keep saying, Yo, you can't show me this when I know women who don't act like this.

You can't show me that now, But coach the value ain't dating.

I know that I'm not dating.

I get that, but you're showing me the same type of woman over and over and over.

Yeah, BS is the precursor for those stats like this.

The why those stats are what it is.

After that, I'm gonna be a passport bro, I'm gonna go to you see Thailand, I'm gonna go to dr and I'm gonna just live this life because this is what I think is the answer to all the bs that I see on.

Social media now when you're not even really existing in real life.

And that's the problem with social media.

People think they know a lot because they can see other parts of the world through their phone, but don't realize, like Triple said, your algorithm is gonna send you what you've already been looking at.

So if I've been looking at women doing fucked up shit to dudes, you know what they're gonna keep sending me women are and then I'm gonna start believing that this is all women when that's not the case.

Like, Yo, there's eight billion people in the world.

Only six hundred and eighty million uses on X, so that's less than one percent of the world's population.

It's on X.

But then we go to X and say, based on X, that's not even a full like that's not even a full sample size of what the whole world is going through.

So you can't even use that as an example.

That's why I'm starting to call bs on a lot of these things right because I'm like, it just don't make sense.

So everybody in the world don't want to get married.

Everybody in the world just want to fuck off and not make no money.

There's no way.

I've seen too many good people, like, too many good in arms reach to believe that.

He literally went to a birthday party for a good friend of ours two weeks ago, a fortieth birthday party.

And let me tell you about the number of black married, happy couples.

That in that room.

Matt was there with his wife, yeah, loving on each other, having a good time, husbands, you know, having any conversations, wives on the dance floor.

Then they get to get on the dance floor like we had a time in that space because we surround ourselves with the same kind of like minded people who aspire to continue in happy married lifestyles.

So you got to change your circumstance in your environment, for sure.

Must be nice.

Come on, come over to the dark side of marriage.

Man.

When we're happy, happy.

Now, it ain't as much engagement when you post a happy picture on social media, people be pissed.

Should be posted.

I hate my wife on social media.

Oh my god, I don't forget it.

Oh my god.

I get more engagement when I post my wife and my stuff.

If I post that that, I get more.

It's a weird situation that.

Because you don't post your wife often.

No, it's not that.

It's probably because the people that follow me want to see that.

True, you are a wedding for you want to see a happily married because yeah, that makes sense.

You're on your pages.

Look, you guys get more engagement on your stuff.

That's if podcasts related, when it's you'll get more stuff when it's yachu or family related than than the other thing.

Absolutely, But I tell you like this, go to the shade room and let them post good black news of the day and them comments be at sixty seven comments.

Wait, this was eighteen hours ago, good black news and it's sixty seven comments.

But let them post something salacious it's five fifty fifteen minutes.

Absolutely, you know what I'm saying.

It's like people are drawn to negativity, and I'm not gonna let them The conversation continue to be something negative about love and marriage.

I've seen too many good marriages recently, especially.

Going to Martha's Vineyard and meeting all of these super successful black people there with families, and their families are building and their young kids are talking to other young kids, and I'm like, see if they if they started a Martha's Vineyard page with all of the success and the love going on there, it'd be a different algorithm.

Absolutely, you know what I'm saying.

It's almost like things like that that are still a good places, keep that off social them little pockets of happiness.

Just keep them pockets of happiness.

I was just thinking about this, like, man, I bet I would get a lot of engagement if I had a girlfriend that just wanted to do pranks.

I hate, I hate the stuff with that.

Let's do some pranks, man, I.

Come on, triple, who wants to do pranks?

I hate pranks, but.

Gotta look so bad for I'll give you a perfect example.

Remember when me and the funny salesman prank them in bet.

Oh Yeah BT Weekend BTV.

And then the funny salesman did a whole We set up the whole thing.

We did three stories and it was all negative.

I think it got eleven million views.

Eleven he does positive stuff for trying to help people all the time, and it averages about two hundred and fifty thousand.

But then he asked me if I want to do a skit, and I said, We're gonna have to do something different because I'm a nice guy and you're a nice guy.

They're not going to believe anything is going to happen if you're just nice, and so let's do something different.

And we did that skit where I didn't want to buy.

It got eleven million views because negative I didn't even watch it.

I couldn't even watch it because I loved that guy.

I was like, this is so mean.

Mom was like the vow man like.

I was like, it's a skip and there were something people that still to this day probably didn't even realize that was a skin.

I took him a couple of weeks.

Finally people d m me on Facebook like was he really being mean to that guy?

I was like, Yo, they call the cops.

It was crazy.

A few days later after go back, I was like, oh my bad, bro, I was just joking.

It's not really I don't realize that people didn't realize that it wasn't real.

But that was just shows you how much they run to negativity that I'm looking for negativity.

So you couldn't watch it.

There's a lot of people they were waiting for that was always so positive.

How we caught him now he's been knew that he was.

Then then they got mad when he made a follow up video saying that it was a skit.

Then all the comments.

We knew it was a skit the whole time.

You didn't, I know, you didn't.

Y'all didn't know it.

Was a skit for nothing.

I had a mic on bro.

Yeah, to this day, it still blows my mind.

People and nuts.

So y'all, y'all have.

Followed the tradition of being married and being parents, But so I want to know, like what traditions are you breaking from now that you have your own families, you got your own minds.

Yeah, I mean we came up with a couple because we were talking about this pre show and you know, something more lighthearted little things, and then others are more like, wow, this can really change the trajectory of our family dynamics moving forward.

So I put together a little one.

Two, like just figured like the top three things.

Like you guys can even come up with like one or two things within your family.

But my first one was oh, story time, yes.

But also just not sending my kids away for the summer.

Yeah, like that's that was a tradition that we changed because I felt like even as a kid, I wasn't with my family on my parents all year round.

They were at work and I was at school.

So I'm all from school and I'm with my grandparents.

When do I ever spend time with my parents?

And with Jackson, kyro, Kaz and Dakota.

Last year we noticed on Dakota was a little speech delay, which what we thought, and then Kav struggled with some confidence issues.

So we were very deliberate about spending time with them this summer and we watched how they've just excelled in every aspect of life just by confidence being able to say hey Dad, hey dad, or mom, can.

You teach me this?

So a tradition we broke was just sending our kids away to someone else for the summer.

We want our kids to be with us, and rather than us going away on our own mommy daddy vacation, let's all do something together as a family and build that way.

Yeah, for sure, that and that for me, it's just first off as a quick side note, It's been amazing to see how when you're deliberate with that time, how much the kids are like so locked in, and a part of it has to almost be like a programming that we had to a programming process we had to put them through because we didn't realize how much just even having my parents live in with us, it also kind of negate some of the things that Deval and I stand for and want to do, just because they're being grandma and grandpa.

So that kind of rule with an iron fist and the discipline.

Like Daval said recently, what did you say you were The more you were, the more I'm the more lenient parents.

You're more lenient parent, right, I guess depending on what.

Depending on what.

When it comes to school, because school, I'll be on top of them kids too.

Yeah, but you know, make it mom.

No I am not.

That you ain't never go I'm.

Not a Jamaica.

I find ways with school to make it fun.

Yeah, they're gonna box their kid.

My favorite clip from last season was Josh.

Like, what what what?

That's exactly how we are.

What you think about you think you about it?

You know, so in this tradition waking up and going to bed like she's still mom.

So I'm just like, yo, we gotta wake up.

We got training sleep less night.

Let him get it.

And know as a dad, I'm like, Yo, we said we're gonna get up into the clock.

We need to get up at ten o'clock going to.

Bed at night.

I'm like, yo, we got to be up in the morning, so y'all need to go to sleep.

She's like, you know what, this school doesn't start for another four days, and I'm like, I thought the kitchen was closed at eleven o'clock.

She's making biscuits, honey.

I'm just holding on so much to it because I'm the I'm I'm probably on the side of parents who are like not excited for their kids to go back to school.

Like I absolutely loved all the time that we spent together this summer, and part of me felt like a bit of a sadness with knowing that it was coming to an end and we have to start the routine of school again.

So I think too, but I'm happy they're going back to school because yeah, like it's a lot, and I guess it's because I'm the dad and that have four boys and everything.

All the sports stuff and then being active is a lot of dad.

But then when they're done doing that is mom, what's what do you mean you for lunch?

Mom?

What are you for dinner?

I'm like, all the meals are on me.

But when it comes to the breaking tradition.

So the first thing that came to mind for me was the tradition of always spending with extended family.

Like we realized.

Maybe it was like a year or two ago.

I want to say it was Thanksgiving twenty twenty three.

Kaz and Dakota were celebrating their birthdays that month, and I said, Babe, why don't we do something different this year instead of just getting around a table with a bunch of food that we don't even really eat no more to congregate with family, Let's do something different.

Let's take the kids away.

And we took them to Mexico for Thanksgiving break, and we realized, like a part of me felt guilty for a second because I'm like, you know, his family's reaching out, like what's the plans for Thanksgiving?

Or you know, we want to come down my brotherroom's sister, like, you know, we want to come down for Thanksgiving?

And I kind of had to be like, you know what, no, we're gonna try something different this year.

And we took the kids away to Mexico.

We had a non traditional, you know, Thanksgiving.

There wasn't no turkey, there weren't no greens, there wasn't no oxtill.

Yeah, we had Guacamolean tacos and the SpongeBob cake because we took them to the Nickelodeon resort.

But it was it almost felt made me feel comfortable about giving us permission to do something different that wasn't a contingent upon our extended family and what they were a feel by not having us there for Thanksgiving.

So the happy medium was the following Thanksgiving, which was last year.

We ended up going to see Nanny and Papa John, and then we had the traditional Thanksgiving where we ate the turkey and the greens and the dressing and.

Jackson was like, damn, no food was good, which was nice.

So it's finding the balance between creating our own family traditions around holidays versus making sure that we're continuing what our parents did years ago.

And I think it's also creating your own nuclear family tradition.

We struggled when we first started dating, she had her own nuclear family tradition on Chris Christmas and I had mine.

Yeah, And we had a huge argument one time because we spent so much time in her family one time that we didn't get a chance.

We went to go to my aunt Debbie's house and everyone was leaving.

Because we got there late and it was Thanksgiving.

That was Thanksgiving.

We got to a point where were like, we can't do this.

We have to figure out what works for us and if they'll come to us, and that ended up becoming a thing.

Now we go to Jamaica for New Year, where in the past we used to be like we have to be with our family to bring in the Yeah, we're going to do it in America where everyone's there, And we were like, you know what, we don't want to bring the New Year in America.

We want to be in a different part of the world, do something different.

And now both of our parents join us with our kids.

That's like the holiday gift for our parents.

So it's like instead of buying y'all something for Christmas, it's the experience of we're going to ring in the New Year with the kids having their grandparents and their parents close by, and we do it in different places like this year.

Stand out way more.

Now, that's what I'm thinking they do versus just like a meal.

It's like we had a whole experience around this, you know.

So that's one thing that I saw that we were breaking as a tradition that I felt guilty for at first, but now I'm kind of like, kind of like this.

One thing I say that that's important too, is we also don't shame our family for breaking traditions.

Like my brother just got married and he has two bonus children where he hates saying bone children and they his kids kids.

Yeah, but Father's Day came around and I was like, Yo, we're all gonna be down here Papa school.

And now now he was like, man, you know they planning things for me.

And rather than being like, oh, we're so now you're going to do something now, I was just Oh, that's what's up, you know.

And it's like allowing them to create their own traditions creates a safe space where we don't guilty each other for creating our own memories with our own kids.

So I think I think that's important that we do for our friends as well.

Plus I got one that I know all of well, you two especially will remember.

I don't know if you grew up like this, trible, but I used to go to church four days a week, every week, every week, and I don't even go to church every Sunday anymore.

And that is a tradition that I broke purposely.

Like, and I'm not anti church, I'm not anti spirituality.

I'm definitely pro God, pro spirituality.

But go into a building every from Wednesday to Sunday and spending most of my time there trying to appease people who are super judgmental is no longer part of my life.

To Yeah, you just get tired of it after a while.

And it's not to say, oh, I don't believe in God anymore.

I don't believe in the system of church.

I'm just tired of this.

That that happened there.

Yeah, especially as you get older, because you know, I grew up also going to church with my grandmother and grandfather, often an Adventist church.

And when you're younger, it's cool you go to Sabbath School.

It's a great place to kind of congregate and socialize with other kids and whatnot.

You learn a little bit about the word, and for me sometimes it was just like the fear of like, oh my god, I'm going.

To go to hell, like you know.

So you go through those days.

You literally learned that, and then you get to a point where you're old enough to kind of like start to see people for who they are, and it's just like you're not quite walking in the path that is righteous, or you're not practicing what you preach, so I can see why.

And then you had all the extracurricular church stuff.

So there was the other activities, not just church on Sunday, but all the other.

Wednesday, Council, Thursday, Boys Boy Scouts, Friday was Junior Choir rehearsal, Saturday morning was Junior Layman, the Sunday was church.

So that's like every day other than Monday Tuesday that I was in church, and it was my whole life.

And I know people always say this, well, you don't not go to the high hospital because everybody is sick.

You know what I'm saying, You should still go to church even though everyone is sick.

I say, yeah, if I'm going to receive something, I know for a fact that there are people in my family who no longer receive what they're looking for in church, but they still go, and they complain and bitch and moan about it, and I'm like, I'm not going to do that.

You don't like that guy that's leading the church, but you still go.

You still give your ten percent out of loyalty to God.

God never said to be loyal to a church ever to find the right church home.

But in the Bible it also says three out of four church homes are going to do it wrong.

So you just being loyal to a church home because your family's tradition was to do that.

That's not something I believe in.

So, you know, unless and we may find a church home, because I'm not against that, we may find a church home soon that we say, yo, we go here every Sunday, But as of right now, I don't.

I don't have any church.

And a piece of that is starting to learn for yourself some of the teachings because a lot of teachings that we learned in church were they misunderstood it when they were taught.

So they're just preaching misunderstanding true and adamant about it.

So you and when you get older, you start to zoom out and they learned this for myself.

I don't need to be there every week, but I could still find a way to connect with God right and.

There's a way to do it too, Like I also grow I also grew up and this is where we met when we talk about He and I, you know, first going to the same school together, Bethlely in Baptist Academy.

My parents at the time too, because my mother grew up in the church in Jamaica and she was at church every single day as well.

She also when she grew up, was like, Okay, I'm not going to do that to my children.

But in order to have them somewhat rooted in the foundation learning about God was sending them to a school where on a daily basis we learned about God and religion and like all of the foundational things that you needed to have in.

Conjunction with school.

So for us to now have our children in a Christian school, it's giving them the opportunity to be rooted in that on a I guess like a fundamental level.

So then at home we see it as parents for us to do devotion with them or to have small lessons and to get them the tools that they need to kind of bridge the gap between what they're learning in school and having Bible classes and then doing the work at home as well.

Yeah, yeah, we went.

I grew up in an Apostolic church.

My mom left the church maybe like right before she turned forty, so I was like nine, and I started going back to church in high school myself, like by myself.

But did you go back to Apostolic church?

No?

Hell no, that's my point because I I'm like, I ain't wearing no damn skirt every day.

Like you got me messed up.

Apostolic church.

You gotta wear a skirt to your ankles.

That used to be this girl not all.

So some organizations are stricter than others.

Right then you also have you also have American Apostolics, and you also have Jamaican Apostolics.

So I'm the way stricter than It depends on organizations and stuff.

Yeah, bro, At the church we went to, it's a you had to wear a skirt to your ankles.

There was this girl that was my age, and she was like really a stone coaster, like if she wasn't in church, she was a tomboy to the she was wearing this damn skirts.

She probably still got this skirt on today.

I'm like, take the skirt, put some basketball shorts on.

The kind of looked like shorts.

I mean, it kind of looked like skirt.

No no, And people really choose not to so I did.

I didn't want to do that.

I broke away from that tradition of like strict uh religion and then like nobody really likes you when you always bible thumping at him.

You know, people didn't want to come over my house.

My cousins never wanted to spend the night because they be like, we ain't going to church.

We can't, we can't do.

My My family was like that because everybody in my family was either an apostle.

Or a pastor or deacon.

Some of my friends was just like, man, I ain't going to your house because about going to church, and I ain't trying to hear that.

That's a fact.

That's the fact.

Because I remember going trying to go outside to play basketball one time with my neighbor and my dad was like, Noah, they got to come over here and this Sunday school lesson, like you do, you're not going outside to play basketball then unless they come here, like nobody's ever coming here to do.

Are you serious?

Wow?

Serious?

As a parent, I understand that your parents want to know children are around.

I get that because my next door neighbor.

But yeah, wow, you know, come on, you see them every days.

Come on, man.

But that's but that's the maybe just trying to spread the word.

But then there's streames.

So they're like, nah, I'm good, I'm not that's with y'all no more, because he's just gonna be preaching down on me.

You're not doing this, You're not doing that right.

I'm glad you brought this up because it brings me to the next tradition that we broke.

I no longer tell my kids call so and so.

I make it a point to tell the elders in our family if you want to have a relationship.

With my children.

It goes both ways, because I grew up with my my mother telling me did you call so?

Did you call so and so?

And I'm like, they never called me?

Here a child called them?

And this day mean yeah, yeah.

And I only do that with Jackson for example.

If I know, like, for example, somebody reached out to him, was like, oh how is jack I text him a couple of times I didn't hear back from him.

But they also.

Understand, like he's fourteen, Like they're not going to engage in like a long.

Back and forth text with most Yeah.

Yeah, and then they have the relationship with who they have the relationship.

But so to your point, the adults who want to invest in those relationships with our children do.

Yeah, but you said it though you said that.

They said, I've reached out to Jacks a couple of times, you know, reached me back.

I tell Jacks then too, like you got to.

Respond, You got to respond exactly.

But I'm not just telling Jack you'll pick up your phone and call so and so, right, not if that person has never reached out right.

He and my mom got into an argument about this because I felt that pressure.

My mother used to tell me the same thing, anything, call.

Your uncle Coley, your grandfather, and I'm like, bro, my birthday past three years, I never heard.

He never heard from my right, and I stopped.

And my mom's biggest thing was you never wanted to reach a point where you need somebody for something and then you have to call out of necessity because you need something.

You should be maintaining relationships with people, and it's a part of teaching children how to just maintain relationships in general.

So until don't wait until you need or want something.

You should have an ongoing relationship with certain people so that way you can feel comfortable if it does happen where you need help, you can call.

I have cousins in my family.

I'm the oldest on my mother's side, and there's fifteen or sixteen of us, and I have cousins who my aunts will sometimes say, Oh, I told such and such to reach out to you because they're trying to get this done or they wanted some advice on this.

And I can tell that they don't even feel comfortable to reach out to me because we don't have that relationship.

I have.

Out of the fifteen of.

Them, maybe four who will just reach out to me randomly, even to that and be like, Yo, what's up hey, checking on you, how's the family?

Real quick?

Yes, real quick?

Like there's certain ones who do do that, but then there's ones who probably can't even fix their fingers to text me and ask me for something because they don't even know.

They don't hit me up regularly.

Here's the crazy part.

You have cousins, and I have cousins that we don't even have to have a relationship.

If I can help you, I'm a helper.

Absolutely, relationship with me, just because later on you might want need something.

Maintain a relationship, because that's the relationship you want to have, right absolutely.

Like it should it shouldn't be like quid pro quote right exactly.

Here's how it goes is family.

This is what we need to do because I'm going to help regardless if I can.

That's just our makeup.

You know.

I got one small one based off of that.

The tradition of just telling your kids to do stuff without explaining it, explain the reasoning behind, because half of the stuff we ever learned as kids, we would just yell at you have to do this, this is you at.

Why epis today, Matt.

But no, you're right.

It actually piggybacks off of one of mine that I had, and mine was children must be seen and not heard.

That's the tradition that we're breaking.

I want to hear from my children.

I want to see how they are, I want to feel how they feel.

I want them to express how they feel.

So that's actually really spot on when it comes to mind.

It's like we are trying to raise children who are emotionally intelligent, who can express how they feel, who can have empathy for others, like I want my children to be heard.

Now, I do have to give some cultural context as to why, because I asked my grandmother why that was a thing.

Right, all I'm gonna say is admit till m h true.

In the forties, fifties, sixties, and seventies, young black people men and women, but particularly black men were not allowed to have opinions or ideas because if they share them to the wrong person, they could find themselves hanging from a tree.

Lynchings were very real.

And most of the time it was outspoken black males that they wanted to make a point.

Oh you know what I'm saying to say, Listen, if you act like this, this is how you'll end up.

So when I ask my grandmother why you raised us to not say nothing, she said, my job while you was here for eight weeks was to get you back home to your family safely.

And I don't need you talking back to the wrong person, and I can't send you back to your path.

Especially know when a kid like you, for example, who was out spoken.

She literally said, specifically, you devour, get you.

I'm gonna get you in trouble.

You know what?

I asked my grandmother one time, she slapped the shit out of me.

The dog shit.

Nothing surprises me, if as a kid anymore.

She's like, boys come inside, right, so we all come inside.

And she was just like, didn't I tell y'all we got up early, we're supposed to get it.

We had chores we had to do.

We had to moto lawn and trim everything.

Now, mind you, we was ten to thirteen years old, so I was about twelve, because Brian was ten twelve, davarn is thirteen.

Didn't I tell y'all to moldo lawn?

Didn't I tell you do this stuff before y'all started to go playing?

I said, then I got a question.

She said, what I said, you believe in God?

She said, where are you going with this?

Deval?

I said, just have a question.

I can't ask a question because we do.

Bible study like every night, every night, and my Grandpather said, to be the Bible study.

She said yes.

I said, you say you claim and this is way I got slapped.

I said, you claim to believe in God?

But you also taught us that if we all come together in groups of two or three and more and pray, all things will happen.

How come we can't just pray that the lawn get mold while we got to go mowed.

She said, Bow didn't even let me finish.

She said, don't play with me, and don't play with God.

Right now, you know how you know she slapped the ship out.

Now, my grandmother never hit us with her hand.

She hit us with a flya swatter, shoe, a belt.

But she felt so disrespected by that question.

And then I followed it up and I said, the fact that I got slapped me, you really don't believe in God?

Oh my gosh.

My grandfather said, he came in there with that belt, he laid into me.

Did he beat you like like?

We said, like that beat me like that?

He was just like his blasphemy.

You probably you can't tell.

He was definitely like, knowing what I know now, he wasn't really trying to be hard on me.

He was doing what he needed to do to separate me from my grandmother.

Now, but listening to her, her fear was that one of her kids would not be home because they talked too much.

So the way they raised us was out of fear.

So well, now since those fears aren't the same, lynchings aren't a thing that happen.

And I'm not going to say ever, because they still happen, and it may not be a lynching where they hang you from a tree, but you still see young black kids and it's not just boys now, young black women.

Who are speaking back to cops like Assandra Bland.

What's the other young lady who tried to speak up for our friend and she was murdered by cops.

It's things like that that have black parents afraid to let their kids speak up, you know what I'm saying.

And I just want to add that historical context because I don't want people to think that our parents were just these evil, mean people who wanted to silence us.

They grew up at a different time with the consequences were grave, absolutely, you know, but as things change now, we're making those adjustments so that our children are more vocal, you know, so.

Right and still within reason, because our children also know that you can say what you want to say within the realms of spaces you feel safe, you know, respecting authority as well too, because they are still for black young men who will be in this world.

So you have to have the descernment and know you know when and where has the time and place.

From my uncle Frank.

Yeah, because my uncle Frank's my godfather, my guy.

He he is the guy who used to take me to Roy Rogers and let me express how I feel about stuff and never judge a shame me Rogers, disrespect I was born in nineteen ninety one, that's freak.

Broy Rogers used to be in eighty four right where that Wendy's used to be.

That was it's still there right now.

It used to be a Rogers, and it was like you know how when you're traveling down ninety five and you go into a rest stop and they have chicken wings, burgers, hot dogs, fries.

It actually have all of those type of foods, but you guy should get like a Boston Market type of meal and sit down and eat it at a fast food rest Yeah.

And he would let me explain how I felt.

But then he would also.

Say he's got a deep voice like this, You know, son, there's always a time in the place, and there's always a way.

Your biggest issue is.

Not what you're saying, it's how you're saying it.

And I had to learn that you know what I'm saying.

And I think that's part of the reason why our parents were so like, until you learn how to say it, you get popped in the mouth.

But how do you teach them exactly?

That was what I was going to say.

More dangerous for you not to allow your kids to speak up and for you not to give them language for how they feel, because then kids grow up to be adults who act out.

Kids who act out grow up to be adults who act out because they don't know how to say what it is that they're feeling or thinking.

So that's way more dangerous.

And then when you you know a kid is talking to you and you pop them in the mouth, you're not You're still not teaching them how to say or how to express how they feel.

I've just discovered this last year that, like you know, being emotionally avoidant isn't like a natural characteristic.

It's something that I developed as a as a child because I would cry.

It was a cry baby, and people would laugh or tease me or make me shut up.

So there was no there was no teaching of like use your words.

Explain to me why you're sad, or why you're upset, or how I hurt your feelings.

So now as an adult, somebody hurts my feelings, I'm fucking pouting.

You know what I'm saying.

I don't know.

I don't even know.

What to say.

I can't even begin to fix my mouth.

So and then you got to try to repair that.

And in the meantime, some people never figure that out and don't understand why their relationships suffer because they don't know that.

They don't know you know what I'm saying.

So you gotta let your kids speak up.

And that also is why we're making the change, because we've been through it and realized it and like that.

We can't do that to our children.

So you can't just justify behavior like you said, because it's tradition.

Just because my parents did that, don't mean that I'm going to do that to my kids.

You know better, You do better, you know what I'm saying, And realize when you're doing it.

You know, I think that's part of it too.

Don't realize when you're doing it as well.

I feel like I'll say something to my mother responding the same way she would respond to me.

And in my head, I'm like, I know I shouldn't be responding like this, but Josh, he might only be one life.

Josh.

He say something to his mother under his breath and be like, she don't know.

I would chant my I don't think he did.

And me and mine got a relationship where we could, we could band.

Now we can banter it.

I don't got that.

That's understands your sarcasm.

She knows who her son is.

You know, some days person.

Understand my sarcasm.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

Cairol a little sarcastic when he ready.

And Jackson, that's true.

I wanted to chat Jackson and that throw it a couple of times, and I had to remember that I was Jackson.

He does that with you, I think he does with me.

I wanted to chop Jackson in the throw a couple of times, like like, seriously, be like, dude, you're playing with me right now.

But you know what, I'm going to do the right thing, and I'm going to explain to you why you almost got chopped in the throat.

And most of the times he gets it.

You understand.

You know what I'm saying, he don't test me too much, but sometimes yeah, it'd be like, dude, like really, like right now, you want to do this?

Right now?

Okay, so let's do this.

And now I gotta waste my time explaining something that all you have to do is listen.

But if I don't explain it to him, he's gonna repeat that same behavior.

Yeah, I take the time.

Yeah, and Cairo is just so aware, like he's so like wise beyond his ears that he can sniff bullshit out a mile away.

So you can't bullshit Cairo because he'll under his breath say something and I'll be like, what'd you say?

And he'd be like, nothing mine, And I'm like, I totally heard you say something slick and it was warranted, but I let him know that I noticed what he said.

But I let him rock because the ship was probably.

That's the part I didn't have.

Nobody let me rock.

Corre like, yeah, you said, and that's not how we go about things, right, So you know, for next time I heard you, Mommy, here's everything, because you're.

Like, all right, mom, Just because you're right, it doesn't mean that it's necessary just exactly to learn that shit.

Remember that that day where I was screaming at Jackson out front.

I was rushing him to get to practice.

This is when he was coming from his teeth things.

So he was just having a bad day.

So I'm rushing, like your Jack's we gotta be on times.

We gotta be on time.

He comes out of the front door, leaves the door wide open.

I said, yo, you left the door open.

And he's looking at me and I said, you're not going to close the door.

He said, you said hurry up and come on.

Yeah, that's one of these I.

Was like, so all the other twenty minutes you took doing bullshit was more important, But closing the door, that's where you just like, I see what you're doing.

I said, jack really talk.

If you don't go close the door, imna hit you with this car.

Streams and crazy my Caribbean ways and rubbing off from.

Him is a tradition.

You're starting.

I dropping your head.

I didn't want to hit him to tell him something that I was just like that because now he makes fun of me.

He makes fun of me so funny.

It's great.

And I started blinking.

I said, dude, man, you need to go close the door.

For I hit you, and he just looked at me, and he got out mad fast and ran and closed and I was like closing to him, and I just I drove in silence to the to the practice silence.

Get ready, but you got a teenager?

Yeah, you're gonna try a little thing.

One tradition you might want to keep is like when black parents, you don't close the door, you'rela.

You better go close that door before I close the door on your ass.

We're gonna keep that one.

We're gonna keep that for sure, for sure.

My last one was the tradition of Karen what people think, It's a sickness, bro It literally is a sickness that generations before me have lived by.

And I'm sure they had their for being so hyper aware and sensitive to what other people thought.

But I'm no longer living my life like that.

There has been such freedom in these past couple of years since I've decided to break that tradition that I'm like, why didn't I start this earlier?

I would have achieved so much more, I would have taken so many more risks, I would have worked on things harder, because it would have literally set me up for the things that I want out of life, that I'm not answering to anybody else about things that don't matter, because they essentially don't matter.

So that's something that we're breaking.

And we're making sure that our children, of course, are respectful to people and that they have empathy for others, like I said before, but at the same time truly honoring what makes you happy, what makes you take finding your purpose, that to me supersedes what anybody else thinks.

And we changed that by speaking how we use vocabulary for our kids.

For example, I think I said this on another one.

Kids want to get out and go do whatever they're doing, right, so you wake up, come down, says we're going to go outside and play.

In the past, I'd have been like, Yo, did you brush your tea?

No?

All right, We'll go out there and not brush your teeth, and all the girls gonna call you young mouse.

Think breath, And.

What I'm implementing in their minds is it matters what people thinks about my breaths thinking.

I mean that piece that matters.

Yeah, keep telling them no.

No, no no, But you can say it like this though.

You know what happens when you don't brush your teeth, you can develop gingivitis, you can get infection in your gums, you want to have sores in your mouth.

So now it's not about what other people think.

It's about you taking care of yourself, because you're just supposed.

To take care of It's true.

Jackson got his first cavity and he was devastated.

Devastated.

He was like, I can't believe it that I had to sit outside because he's at the age now where when we go to doctor's appointments, they escort him in and they're like, mom, you can wait here.

Like he went to the pediatrician for his annual checkup and I was like, I can't come in and she was like, no, Mom, it's time.

Can It's time for you to sit.

Doctor's gonna have conversations honest with Jackson.

Then she doesn't want your presence to intimidate him.

I said, what the hell she's talking to him about that?

You want me intimidated about my presence.

I'm like, what's going on here?

You know?

But he's fourteen and she had and I love our doctor Smith.

Listen, doctor Smith is amazing.

She's a black woman who's just freaking amazing and we've been with her since we moved here, so they're like it's okay.

And she has a son too, who he's going to college now and everything.

So yeah, so we love doctor Smith.

So when that happened, I was just like, what do you mean?

I can't go inside?

So anyway, Jackson had his first cavity.

But to your point, sometimes they gonna have to feel, you know, those who don't here will feel you got your first cabtinants because we have to be on your back about making sure that your oral hygiene is intact.

But it's just typical boy stuff that we're dealing with.

Now, another thing, he gets up and he's just like coming downstairs.

His shirt is crushed.

You literally have an ironing board and an iron.

I've taught you how to iron.

Why do you have on a crushed T shirt?

You don't matter, mom, because no, no, no, no, you are a reflection of leaving this household you are in Ellis.

Do you ever see my father, your father in crumple up clothes walking outside like he's homeless?

Do you ever see mommy out here just haphazardly walking outside?

And then I was like, shit, sometimes I do be looking crazy.

Practice sometimes I.

Do, look at.

That shirt, don't be wrinkled.

But listen, I said, but no, go back upstairs.

So what he'll do is he'll go back upstairs.

He won't iron the shirt, but he'll get a dry fit that he don't got to iron because there's no wrinkles.

At least he means the happy medium, you know what I'm saying.

At least you you thought about that for a second, but yeah, to your point, that's a good way to kind of code it to your children, making about them and taking pride in themselves and not making it about how they're going to be perceived by other people.

So now I feel like you got to hear that you people gonna talk about you, and you think.

Nobody wants to sink and smell everybody.

Remember that one kid that's stank yah.

You know what I'm saying to this day, the one kid who had the dried lips, who had the dry up stuff.

I didn't want to come to mod squad let them by other people.

What does your mom call it?

Mold squala?

My mother said, look like I don't know what you have to have eye?

What's mata matter?

You're having?

Have matter like solid particles in your eye.

I hate what Matt saying though, because man is saying you do have to tell kids that people will talk about them so that they're not shocked.

True when people talk about.

But it doesn't need to be everything.

You don't have to tell you.

They need to know, like.

He certain things.

They need to know that other people are gonna care about you.

You're under arms.

Your breath, that is true, the older breath.

Like we all know the encounters we've had with people who's brusting.

But you should still do it for yourself though.

Man, you shouldn't brush your teeth because other people won't say you're brusting.

You should brush your teeth because you don't want to agree.

Agree.

It's a two full conversation.

Take care of yourself and make sure people don't talk about you.

Period.

There you go.

All right, y'all, let's go ahead and take a quick break and we're gonna get into listening better, so we'll be right back.

Pow, We're back with Cadeen's favorite segment of the show, Nosey Dean.

It has been a pleasure of getting a glimpse of your life and success.

I have been a supporter for six years and have so much love and respect for the legacy you are creating and continuing to build.

Thank you so much, congratulations on all the many accomplishments and endeavors.

More is on the way.

I truly admire your relationship and have learned so much from you about life, finances, marriage and children.

I am a thirty three year old Black American woman from Texas with Louisiana Creole roots.

I am engaged to a thirty eight year old Haitian American man from Boston.

Side note.

We met at at Alma Matera's homecoming Texas Southern University TSU two years before we began dating.

He was in law school and I was in grad school.

I was in a relationship with a Nigerian man at the time, but when I met my fiance, I knew he would be my husband.

We never talked or hung out after that encounter, but once I ended my relationship with the Nigeria, my fiancee took a shot and swept me off my feet.

We have been together for six years and have a healthy relationship with each other's family all as well.

On our end, I wanted to know your thoughts on colorism and classism amongst Black Americans, Caribbeans, and Africans.

The reason why I ask is because growing up in the Deep South, I witnessed colorism and classism in the Black American community, prejudice stemming from the blue vein society, brown paper bag tests, and the comb test lingers in the Black American community.

Today, after meeting people at school and in the workplace who come from different backgrounds, I realized that Caribbeans and Africans can be this way too.

Absolutely, it may not be as prevalent like it is in the Black American community, but it is not unusual.

It upsets me that Black people act this way because they fail to see that unity is better than division.

I would also like to add that Black American versus Caribbean versus Africans propaganda is whack.

What are your thoughts?

Is colorism and classism a generational or systemic problem that requires education, forgiveness, and more acceptance.

Do you think this is something we can overcome?

If so, how yeah.

Dial back a couple of seasons to culture clash.

Then we did a whole episode on this devloping of Black American you know descent, and then me of Cribean roots.

The first thing I want to point out is that colorism is not just isolated to Black culture.

Right.

That's one thing that Black people like to say online is that we the only ones arguing about color.

That's not true in the Indian color, Indian culture culture, and Latin X culture.

All of these cultures aspire to whiteness because of colonialism.

Right.

Colonialism, over generations of time made people of color feel like the closer you are.

To whiteness be being you a better life.

And because of all of those generations of feeling that way, people of color tend to want to look more Europeans so that they feel like they're getting an easier life.

Now things are starting to change, as I'm not going to say colonialism is dying, but the world is changing.

But yes, colorism is real.

It is a real thing.

If you look at Black American culture.

The brown paper bag test, for people who don't know, was this test that the closer you were to a light brown paper bag, the better you were going to be accepted, not only just in Hollywood, but for any profession if you worked in Wall Street.

And that just wasn't just for women, it was for men as well.

Before the brown paper bag test.

Many black people passed, which means try to act white or pass for white if they were lighter complexion, not only for financial game, but to survive, you know, because if you grew up in Jim Crow South or the Deep South, if you were a black person, you were in danger of being terrorized.

So many black people acted white if they could pass so that they could survive.

These are the traumas that not only Black people, but Indian and Asian and Latin.

X people all had to go to a caribbeing the.

Same thing all have had to go through.

With that being said, yes, we will all be better off together.

We just have to change what beauty standards are a right, like our beauty standards when we all started this thing was whiteness, pin straight nose, straight hair was what were the other things?

For European blue eyes color, which is to me because light color eyes is an African trait.

Like what people don't understand too about beauty, Let's be clear about beauty standards.

The darkest, blackest, most coarse haired woman with brown brown eyes can make every other color.

That's just the fact.

So Europeans come from black people, Asians, Indians, everybody comes from black people, So the beauty standards should.

Be what black people.

If we can start to understand that, we would no longer look at each other as the enemy, because it doesn't matter how dark or how light you are.

We all come from the same being.

And for me, that's that's how I've reconciled with it.

That's what I teach my boys, right, I teach my boys like, listen, we all come from different walks of life.

But you can't judge somebody or tell somebody where they belong based on the color of their skin, or even worse, the complexion of their skin.

And the minute we all start teaching our children that, and that goes from generation to generation, it will change.

But do I think there will be a change in the next year or ten years.

No, this is over.

And number sixteen nineteen we talked about that was four hundred years.

Colonialism goes back before that.

We talk about thousands of years of race baiting.

And here's something I do want everyone to go watch.

There's a documentary on HBO.

It's called Exterminate the Brutes, and it talks about how Europeans used Christ and the Church to dominate the world and to validate themselves for going over to the indigenous people and taking their land, raping their wimen, taking all of their worth, and discarding them as less than human because the Bible told them, if you're not a white Anglo Saxon quote unquote Protestant, then you don't belong on earth.

The more history you learned about humanity, the more you realize that colorism and racism was all a made up construct to divide us.

And once you know that, you realize that that person opposite of me, no matter what they look like, is my brother.

That's how I feel about it.

That's how it was in Jamaica.

My mom didn't have any concept of racism until she came to America.

And then remember that had to be like a discussion that you had with my parents to explain American history, Black American history and why it was such a sensitive topic because to my mom in Jamaica, she said, yes, colorism did exist, but everyone also still coexisted respectfully amongst the Asians, the Indians, the Blacks who were in Jamaica.

So that was the component of the Caribbean and how we feel about colorism.

But I think the funniest part about all of this conversation is that the aspiration was to whiteness, where we have whiteness trying to aspire to be like, yeah, of color.

You know what I'm saying, the bigger lips, the bigger butts, like theys tanning like, there's an aspiration they have now.

So it's funny to see the tables turn over time where they're realizing the beauty in our blackness.

That's I'm glad you brought that up.

I wouldn't say now though they've always known, they're true true by doing.

It, very true, very true.

Yeah, absolutely right.

They always knew, they've always wanted that, they've always aspired to that.

But you know, it's funny.

That's what we got to start teaching our kids.

Man, The true history of our people don't start in sixteen nineteen with slavery.

The history of our people started way before that.

We need to start learning about the civilizations before America became America, you know America.

I learned this in school.

Columbus sail the Ocean blue in fourteen ninety two.

So why do we start Black American history in sixteen nineteen.

Why don't we start black history before that?

What was happening in thirteen ninety two.

You know what I'm saying, what would the kingdoms of Africa looking like before they brought us over here.

I think that if we knew that history and that enriched history, we would find value in the way we look instead of telling us, well, you're a slave because you looked like this, and then kids grow up thinking like, well, I don't want to look like this if this means I'm going to be a slave.

You know what I'm saying.

And we actually were never slaves.

We were enslaved, But I'm never going to tell my child that my ancestors were slaves.

That's just not We were enslaved and we came out of enslavement and the beauty exists in everything that we've gone through.

Yeah, good one, good one, good one.

All right, y'all.

If you want to be featured asn't listen to a letter, be sure to email us at the Ellis Advice at gmail dot com.

That is th H E E L L I S A d V I C E at gmail dot com.

All right, moment of truth time.

We're talking about traditions, traditions that are made to be broken.

Do you have anything for us today, babe, for a moment of truth.

Yeah, a lot of self reflection.

Look at yourself, look at your life.

What would you like to change about yourself and your life?

And rather than projecting all the negative things that you liked you didn't like growing up on your children, do something different, break the tradition, to give them a different perspective so that they can then break those traditions with their children and we can be better as humans.

Yeah, I think mine was just like, it's okay, it's okay to be like, you know what, this no longer serves me, This no longer serves my family.

There no longer serves the family that I've created.

It's okay to say, you know what, I want to try something different, start that trend, still making time of course for family, extended family to get together and have those moments so the memories can be built and created.

But it's okay to pivot and say, you know what, I want to do something different for the legacy that I'm trying to create for my future generations moving forward.

Mine, it's okay to do something different, and if if you don't like when you tried it, it's okay to go back to that old thing, but try something.

Different that's like that one they go back.

Yeah, that's true.

I like that just to I like traditions.

I'm a traditional type of guy, but I don't make traditions my religion.

And that's the difference.

Don't make tradition your religion.

Yeah, all right, now, bars, there you go, bars.

Everything.

I love it.

I mean, we didn't really talk about this, but some kids still need whoopings.

I don't know if that the tradition needs to come back.

I don't think we should say that, hot box.

That is a fact.

This Wholewaiian movement is proof.

That because I think it's cute.

So parented.

It's crazy.

That wouldn't happen if.

You because I was definitely afraid of my five two mom, and I wasn't I wasn't playing with my pops.

Well I knew that I wasn't playing with my mom.

Nobody gonna save me.

Absolutely, there was a faians.

I think the amount of Wayians we have right.

Now if Yeah, they're just making it socially acceptable to be a Yan, and it's like, don't nobody nobody asked for that.

Because you're going into your prime as a white like yn.

Your structure is not good, your foundation is not good.

It's terrible.

It really is terrible.

That is a fact.

Yeah, all right, y'all traditions are made, you know.

Enclosing, my friend Latania, she just said something in a in a caption under a photo that she posted for her birthday, and she talked about the importance of building legacy for her family, for the people that she won't meet, And that made me so emotional in that moment, because I'm just like, we're thinking of traditions and the things that we're doing to build a legacy, but I never for once I'm thinking of my children.

Of course, my children's children, but I'm thinking not even think about the generations of people that were not going to meet, that are going to carry the ls name, that will be a Joseph.

And it's just like, Man, the decisions that we make now, the traditions we put in place, hopefully are children and our children's children and the future generations will see value in that and be like, man, I came from a lineage, lineage that was so strong and rooted in pride, you know, so that's really really cool to me to think about those people were never gonna meet, right, shout out to my boy your wife over there being profound.

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