Well, I invited you here, thought I made myself perfectly clear.

But you're a guest to my home.

You gotta come to me empty And I said, no guests, you're on presences presents enough.

I already had too much stuff, So how do you dare.

To surbey me?

Welcome to I said, no gifts.

I'm prettyure, Wineger.

We are here in the shadow of the Burbank Airport in studio.

What's going on?

My car has been beeping at me NonStop.

It's out of control.

I'm in a new car and it's putting me in danger.

The amount of alerts is baffling.

I need to talk to somebody.

I had a headache yesterday.

I don't have a headache today.

And oh, you know, I feel like I started last episode kind of saying that Delta Airlines would never find my lost kindle.

Apparently they found it.

I can't believe they found it.

They are charging me thirty dollars in shipping to get it back to me, and I know how much things cost to ship, and I feel like I've suffered enough already.

It should have been a free It should have been that should be part of the package.

They should bring it to me, but I'm happy to get it back, and then I'll return the kindle I bought in its place.

My life is chaos, but I'm shocked.

I couldn't believe that they found it.

And I think that's the important news, and then less import We have the live show coming up August twenty second at seven thirty pm, Dynasty Typewriter, Los Angeles, California.

If you can't be here, you can also get a live stream.

It's going to be We're going to have such a good time, or we won't.

I have a melt down on stage, it'll go viral and you'll be there in the moment and you'll be able to say I was there when Bridger had the meltdown.

So everyone's a winner.

Everyone walks away a winner.

Patreon still there, still there for you to be part of.

I'm now sharing my cookie recipe.

I'm giving it all away on this thing.

We're talking about secret lives and Mormon wives.

We're having regular bonus episodes.

It's all there for you.

Patreon dot com.

Slash I said no gifts.

Now it's time for the podcast.

I love today's guest.

Everybody adores her.

It's Anna Drizz anna, welcome to I said, no gifts.

Is that's the this is news for me.

Can I sit here in silently just take that all in the amount of age and I think is being directed towards me at all times?

Is in fact I bake and I am.

No, a lot of that is true.

Oh oh yeah, you're just being nice.

I'm trying to just butter you up, try to get you in a good place mentally.

But most people, good luck, despise you, thank you, thank you.

All of your suspicions are true.

The paranoia, I'm confirming it now.

It's amazing.

I actually feel nice right now.

Like normally, I think I would have spun myself out and tricked you into thinking that it would be fun to like do a bit where I hate myself, but then it would actually hurt my feelings.

But actually I feel great.

Good.

Then we've got you in the perfect spot.

And I'm also noticing this water is in between us.

This is your water.

No what okay, I'm so glad you called it out because I was not gonna touch it, but I was gonna want it this whole time.

Just let that be tense.

Why don't you have water?

Well, I have this Lacroix right here.

But it's a nice little is a cozy A cozy.

And now that I've said the name of the drink, I think it's fine for me to say that behind this.

Don't bleep it.

I have a That's something I've been complaining about the Secret Lives of Mormon Wives.

They're blurring out every soda on the show, and I know they're diet cokes.

Why are these Yeah, they're clearly diet cokes.

They should put the bring back the black box that goes over all that.

I love the blurring.

I'm blur, the tasteful blur.

Give us the girls gone wild blur.

I mean the blood black box, or the mosaic, the like America's Most Wanted or crime footage.

Yeah, the squares.

Why aren't they doing squares anymore?

Should I think that we're so slick, we're so marvel blind that we need a blur.

We need a nice little smooth blur.

The black box, I think is a very good idea.

It's just you everybody say, go home to your wives.

You know, like, I have a good day.

And you're just panicking that it could like fly off at any moment.

Yeah, you know, it's like the editor could have dropped the ball, and then the black box gets too far off of whatever's being blurred, and then you get a peek at whatever you want to take a peek at.

It's compelling, it's very cool.

Well, I have two mugs now.

I asked for a mug because the travel mug that I brought my coffee and is the mug I don't like because of the sound that the ice makes me.

Oh, it's the sound of the ice.

It's cost the sound of the ice clunking against the like leeching plastic black lid is like and I don't want that, but I wanted it.

I saw this mug and I was like, I would like a mug too, because that's clearly Bridger's water.

And you were so wrong.

I was like, what's wrong with them that they didn't bring the water?

But now I have two beverages, which is at least that's my minimum.

You should start with two.

What should be a water at all times, yes, just a neutral thing, yeah, and then whatever you want, oh, this is my fun coffee, and then maybe a third thing that you're experimenting with.

What look at me, I've just got you know, like you could have a new flavor of Lacroix that you like, just grabbed out of the fridge, and you think, oh, I might not actually like that, so I'll have these two backups, right, But you only have two and I only have one.

So I'm a hypocrite, you are.

But it's okay.

Did you make that coffe you home?

My?

Oh this is bad.

My husband put it in the tumbler for me and I took it out the door.

That's very nice.

It's very Betty Draper, Betty Draper on the go, he's Betty Draper.

Oh for oh interesting, he's Betty.

Yeah, gave me my coffee and I went to.

My car and you drove away.

Yeah, an expensive song plays.

Oh.

I mean it's a little spoiler here, but r I P Betty.

Draper, r P Betty Draper.

I thought this was how I was finding out the January Jones time, and I was like, I.

Will feel so celebrity spoiler alert of celebrity.

We're getting news.

January Jones has been apprehended by federal agents and she did not survive.

Get a shootout with the FBI.

Okay, so your husband, but did he make the coffee at home or did he buy.

The we had leftover cold brew from?

Why?

Interesting?

And that was exciting.

I love a leftover.

I drink leftover cold brew this morning.

Oh really, yes, that's I would ask you your brand.

But now I'm worried about having to bleep it.

Well, we won't have to bleep it.

Well, this is if you want a whole explanation.

I usually make mine, but we've started ordering the grounds from a thing which I've recently canceled.

But we were waiting for the latest batch, so I hadn't made any.

So I went to Starbucks and bought a giant thing of cold brew, just because I knew in the morning, yeah, I'm going to need some sort of coffee and I don't drink hot coffee.

Really.

In the afternoon, when you're looking at Pinterest, you're like, I'm gonna I only ever use cheesecloth and ground beans.

I will never buy a bottle of coffee again.

And in the morning, when you know you have the Starbucks cold brew bottle in your bridge, oh my gosh, it's well, it's exists a thrill, it's a birthday feeling.

But the ice cubes in that are beautiful I noticed when you pour okay and full disclosure, you did dump part of it on the table.

I that's been clean, pour it all, I said, can I have a mug and pour on?

Elise went out it.

It took one minute and thirty seconds at least to find the mug, which made me feel guilty.

And then I tried to quickly pour it in here and it's billed all over the white marble table that I'm realizing isn't real marble.

I felt so guilty.

Actually, oh well, I haven't ever thought about it here.

It's too warm to be marble.

It's too warm to be yeah, oh ice cold Church temperature.

I love to be able to chop meat on this.

You should.

I even if you chop meat on this, you'd immediately make a new salmonella.

This is not no, no, no, this it's too porous.

Yeah, well, I am glad.

I was feeling guilty about that.

But then, yeah, so these ice cubes are big, square guys.

Should I pour it out towards camera like a like a stupid idiot.

It's almost impossible to show that off to camera, I think, But.

Yeah, so these are huge ice cubes.

Because I live with a man who's my husband.

And husbands all have big square ice cube train, right, every husband and comes with one into that's his dowry and.

That's what you get from the band.

And then only the white plastic ice cube trays disappear the longer you've been married.

And then we now have two of these, and I don't know where the second one came from.

Interesting, he's not out yeah, and then he's like, I actually don't like this one, Like, no one likes it them.

Why are they here?

But you need ice so you're not picky?

Is he is this like a like a whiskey thing?

Is it?

Like he's got to tell.

Probably what they're for.

We're not whiskey guys.

But we both have siblings and siblings in law who don't quite know us.

Soaked we get a lot of whiskey stones, a lot of wine opens.

I think that's the key to getting nice things, is people not knowing you.

That well at all.

Well, you know, no spoilers, but that'll be that'll come.

Back sure, sure, yeah, okay, great?

Interesting, Well yeah, that's I think it's a beautiful ice cube and I'm jealous of it.

I mean, it's so gorgeous.

They are.

I think that's an inconvenient type of life ice cube.

Do you want me to slide it towards these events?

Yeah?

Because it looks also very clear.

You know, it's not like foggy like this is going to take a picture if you don't mind off please some Yeah, that's fine.

Just make sure to tag a big square social big husband ice.

Look at that, it's like there's like a an explosion in it.

This is the most beautiful ice cube I've ever seen.

You got to come and take them out of our house.

I can't see them anymore.

I need to just.

Commit to a new ice cube.

But yeah, it is like a big square cube, which is what a cube is.

But it reminds me of like when you'd order ice in like the nineteen early nineteen hundreds and they like cut it out of a lake and it would just the mountains.

Yeah right, we're historians.

They had it in the wagon and they brought it down from the creek.

And everyone stood on both sides of the road entering town and clapped.

This is all very relevant to me, and this is something I talk about too much on this podcast.

But I'm watching The Little House on the prairie for the first time.

So that's the show, and it's from the fifties or something.

Seventies, seventies about the eighteen hundreds.

Tell me all about it.

You don't know anything about it, Well, I'm aware.

I can picture the color.

Picture the eighteen hundreds, yeap as funneled through the nineteen seventies.

Last night I was watching the plague episode and it's dark.

It truly is like there's some haunting images.

There's a wagon that's being dragged by two horses with no rider because the two people have died of typhus.

And the horses are dumb.

They're like, there's school, go till someone, so stop, that's the day gooing.

That's a good question, horsob what are we doing?

I feel?

So?

Did they get lighter?

Or am I stronger?

I haven't said anything in a while, but would the horses just keep moving without direction?

What's your gut?

I think they would?

Hard workers, commitment and they love the job.

Truses are I mean, horses are virgos.

They're absolutely virgoes.

Every horse is a virgo.

Yeah.

I think that's probably true.

That's why they call it horse season.

Horse season.

September but yeah, it's a That episode in particular was very haunting.

The one before it dealt with an age gap relationship.

Oh, and the direction is what we could guess.

It's well, now I fall asleep a lot, so I can't remember exactly.

You don't know who was older?

Oh who was older?

I was.

I thought you were gonna say if it worked out or not, No, because it doesn't work.

I feel like they eventually acknowledge and said this isn't going to work.

The part as friends, they part of his friends, and this guy is not old, and it's just like, how did this happen in any situation there's it's a bad matchup.

Well, it's the prairie, this's the prairie.

He's the town doctor, but the gal is head over heels for this guy.

A town doctor.

Imagine a town doctor.

Well, town doctor who let's everyone in the next episode die of typhus.

I know he's so broken up.

Yeah, that's probably if she's to blame.

It's always the younger woman is to blame.

Is she a guest star or she's star?

So she's just gone after the relationship.

She vanishes, She's she's in town visiting her maybe her aunt.

I think, okay, and so then when the relationship falls apart, why stick around?

She walks out of town and throws a vial over her shoulder that explodes and releases diavis.

It's her rat that gets into the corn feed.

They're rat in the corn feed, Rat in the corn feed.

Classic episode.

I love that show.

You've got to watch it.

Everybody's got to watch it.

Mostly sounds.

It's a lot, it's really dark.

This episode honestly is largely sound.

You see that it opens with people I now you're talking about this podcast episode, this episode, this particular podcast episode relying on sound for this one.

The sound episode.

Mostly purely visual, an action kind of a buster keat and type a show.

But this one we're entering the sound era, and so, okay, great.

This episode will be two voices, a voice of at least two people talking to each other.

We're trying it out, we're trying it out.

It's experimental.

It's an idea show.

It's an idea no wrong answer, no wrong answer.

Yeah, what's going on in your life?

Oh my god?

It sucks that you asked that because the answer is something I would normally avoid, like someone who Okay, I shot a short film the last two days.

Oh, directed it, yeah, acted in it.

No, No, thank god, Okay, that would be a lot.

Is just so to walk back and forth and look at yourself on camp Why no, No, I don't ever need to see a picture of myself ever.

Again.

None that it's bad.

It's just I think that humans weren't supposed to see what they're.

Faces look like.

I really don't think we meant to do it.

That's why we're all mentally ill.

That's because we can see it used to just be like the stream.

Yeah, yeah, like a glimpse, and you would think it was another realm.

It's another It's not what God wanted.

If God wanted us to see our faces, he wouldn't have put our eyes on them.

Wow, I'll say it brought up a good point.

Yeah, but you are directing, and.

Direction wrote yeah, so it was.

It was I'm sleepy now, but it was so cool, it was so fun.

We shot it in this like beautiful old Uh it was a church campus, church campus, like it was.

We were in a building that wasn't the church building.

Okay.

It was like a big old house with an extra not the rectory is where is like where the priest shoot pool.

I think, I don't really know the church and I know the guys get out of here.

But it it was.

It was.

It's called Hamilton.

The house itself was called Hamilton House.

It was at the Congregational Church of the Chimes in Sherman Oaks and it was it just it almost felt like a summer camp right where because they also had a summer camp going on.

So we were shooting in this beautiful house that had multiple rooms.

It was massive, which was great.

But right outside of it was a swimming pool where they taught preschoolers swim.

Lessons, okay, and probably baptisms.

Wow.

I didn't even think about that.

Might as well if you just blessed the water like a little bit of summer fun.

I took my kid to go swimming and now he's saved.

What the hell has.

A great idea?

Wow, you can teach your child to swim and have them be born again m secretly secret.

No one needs to know.

No one's doing this, no one needs no one needs to know that your baptized up for guard.

But it was great that anytime we were in the middle of I was like, this is it this is the take.

Oh my god, I'm picturing the Laurels.

Here they come.

You'd hear ki kick kick good.

Yeah, And it was.

Great because people kept saying, kids are screaming outside, and then my idea was like, it's actually the adults teaching the kids.

The kids are they have their faces in the water, and the adults are screaming like their kids were.

They were you not warns that there was gonna be all this noise.

They said sometimes they teach swim lessons, but only from three pm to seven pm every day.

We were like, well, that's sort of when tough time movies happen.

And they were like, we can just tell them not to come if you want, and we were like that'd be good.

And but so neither of us were really committing to saying like, yeah, go tell the kids that I can't swim in a pool in the summer time.

I think.

I was just like, God's on my side.

There's wind in my sales, it won't be a problem.

It was actually the sound person was like, it's fine, Like it's really thick glass windows, so she was it was the opposite where like everyone in the room could hear screaming and then on the boom mic she was like, no, it's fine.

That to me sounds wrong.

I'm I think your audio's ruined.

I'm always like, if I can hear it, absolutely, If a microphone can't pick up something, I can hear, the microphone's broken.

Do you hear a suggestible I am where I'm like, I don't know how film works, and I'm gonna be a good collaborator.

I'm just gonna say, oh, crossing one eighty, I'll never understand that day in my life.

Ever, I'm committed to not knowing it.

So you tell me that if we can hear it with our ears but the mic can't, I'll go that's just another thing that I don't get at.

Okay, and thumbs up.

That's like if I can smell something, I'm like, my sense of smell is so bad.

I'm like, certainly this is like a statewide issue.

Everyone can smell this.

Yeah, well, we're in Burbank, near the the beautiful wastewater treatment.

Plant over in the five and can you smell that when.

You drive past it?

It's crazy.

Certain times a day it's by the AMC, the like three AMC's.

Oh yeah, they're at least on the five.

Yeah, have you ever smelled it?

You just haven't been over there at rush hour.

I guess they release all the fart smells at rush hour.

They just open a valve and it just pipes.

As bad as possible.

They're like, what if we created a bad moment for people.

There's also kind of a secret jail right there.

Oh, aware of this?

No, it's right by those theaters.

No.

Yeah, I park by it because it's the easiest parking over there, because it's notoriously near the worst parking in the world, which is dominated by Ross Dress for Less.

I don't know if you've been in that parking garage.

I have, and it doesn't feel good.

It feels baffling.

I go in there and I think, how is Ross just always just overrun with customers?

How are there this many Ross cars?

It Also, there's something about that parking garage that makes me feel like I'm about to accidentally drive into the store.

It's like, keep going, and it points you towards the door.

Really, this isn't right.

They also have a valet for the Ross.

No they don't.

I'm pretty sure they do.

I might just be in a state when I'm in there, and but I'm pretty sure you can have your car valet at Ross.

Who's valeting their car at Ross?

I guess if there was one place in the world where I would valet, it would be at a Ross.

Why because I refuse to valet anywhere else.

I think it's too expensive.

But I feel like it Ross.

They must have a good deal.

You know that it's the opposite.

You know what Ross I really likes.

It's seventy bucks.

And then they park you just like in a tow zone somewhere else.

They just drive you into the rocks a valet.

Oh my god.

Now there is a one man show if I've ever heard.

It, Oh the Ross valet guy.

Oh come on, okay, what what is the short about?

Can you say?

It's about two sisters and their mom just died, and they're at the funeral and they're about to go to the cemetery and like close the coffin and go, but they realize that they haven't decided if their mom would have wanted to be buried wearing the necklace that she's wearing, or if she would have wanted them to take it off and like give it a new life, right, And it's them having that conversation and then the mom comes back to get it back at night.

Oh I love this.

Yeah, this also reminds me.

I just watched The Mortician.

I don't know if you watched that.

I watched it.

I have a friend who lives near that place.

No, we have you driven past?

Yeah?

What's left?

It's a lamp store now.

Oh, good lamps expensive?

I may The lamp industry is not not romanticized about anything.

No, they're like, you don't care.

What whose teeth got pulled out to be sold?

You will have got dragged off a body?

It het frosts.

Do you think you'd be a good cremation worker?

No?

What job would you want in a crooked funeral home?

In a crooked funeral home, yes, I would probably want to be.

I would want to be doing the flowers and overcharging for flowers.

That's the easiest, cleanest job.

You know, everybody overcharges for flowers, so you don't feel as bad about it.

You're just in your shop, just in my shop.

You're not going where they're doing it, not smelling the various things, not saying I couldn't deal with the bodies.

What would you do?

Is there a job that you clean up like little trash that's been left in the the chapels.

Like various like Dorito's bags and cigarettes.

No, like indoor trash, like a little dixie cup.

That's what I'm talking about, funeral goers like popcorn buckets.

It's not Joe, try my grandma.

Yeah, up the chapel.

I think that's a job, big gulf cups, a sweeper.

This is the problem, though, is I don't think there's any good jobs.

I think.

If you're the flowers person, you're also you're in it.

You're in it, you're experiencing it being you're getting paid too much.

The mom who's pulling all the strings, you know, because she was so heavily involved.

They loved her.

Everyone loved her.

And she was a villain, an absolute devil.

She's the devil, but everyone talked about her just so rapturously.

Well, I guess she was a really sweet gal.

Outside of just robbing the general public and kind of orchestrating all these bodies being burned at once.

She had a lot of good ideas.

It's bad And then when her son got caught and went to prison, her son's wife was like, I can't feed my children, and this beautiful, lovely woman told her to go on food stamps instead of giving her money for the grave robbing business that she profited off of.

Once you put a lot of hard work into that shed, you know what she earned it.

This is why people with money have money is because they save their money.

Yes, they save and earned they do.

No one has ever gotten money dishonestly.

When you earn it, you deserve it, and you shouldn't give it to other people, most all your daughter in law and grandchildren.

What are kids gonna do with money?

Why everyone's like child support?

Why does a kid they don't even have wallets?

Why is a kid using money for?

Yeah, there's something that you just had a huge problem in the system.

I don't get it.

Can someone explain to me child explain it?

Like I'm vie.

For what?

Well?

Yeah, I think I probably would either be the mom or the flower flop.

I think those are great answering.

I honestly, I had a phase where I wanted to become a funeral director.

Really yeah, at one age thirty four, So recently I looked into it.

There's a college nearby, you can get the Pasadena.

Yeah, Pasadena, like invented.

What's going on on death?

What's going on in Pasadena?

There's there's a lot of the occults.

There's a lot of things happening there.

You're right, there is the call the JPL.

There's the JPL cult and yeah, and how did that happen?

Because it was kind of sci fi cults, the devil it was.

Yeah, it was like the scientists were also like sort of Alistair Crowley.

I say, number one Satanist Alistair Crowley.

Yeah, I don't know.

It's beautiful there.

It's gorgeous.

You need to invent something that's darker.

People have big houses.

They're bored.

The houses are scary there.

Ye, people are like, oh my house is scary.

What should I do?

I will worship Saytan, Yeah, what were we talking about?

Oh that I I honestly, unfortunately, do think that I would want to be down there mixing it up with the tooth pluckers.

You would what?

Not because I want to, but because that seems like the hardest, worst job, and that is sort of what I gravitate towards.

You want to just miserable work.

Yeah, I want to be squeezed hard.

What's the most miserable job?

You've ever had.

That's such a good question.

Miserable.

I had a job after college working for a fabric manufacturer or a fabric importer okay, okay, which was a woman.

It was a business run by a woman who lived in Chelsea, and it was like she would have an assistant that rotated around different UCB people.

And the job was cold calling fabric wholesalers to try to get them to buy a like bulk orders of fabric.

How successful could that possibly be?

I don't know.

I'll tell you something.

They were not successful when I was working there because I didn't The only words I remember are ponting knit.

So I was calling places that I didn't know.

I don't like talking to people I don't know sure, and trying to sell them something that I didn't understand and had never seen.

And I also was in charge of logging my own hours, and because I didn't understand it at all, I spend a lot of time trying like being shy, Right, I guess I've had my hours because I spent so little time working.

Does that make sense?

A lot of us just spent stuttering.

And yet if you have a pit in your stomach, that's actually working.

Oh, that's regardless of if you're working or not.

I would argue, that's more than working, that's double time time.

Yeah.

So then she was I made no sales for her, and after like a month she was looking at my time.

She's like, how is this possible?

You work ten hours this whole week and you sold nothing?

Did she pay for them?

She paid me out and then fired.

Me, but she continued to hire UCB people.

I don't know what she did.

Number one comedy nerd, this fabric saleswoman.

Do you want to buy Ponting knit?

Sure?

Tell me about it.

No, I can't, And I don't want to be talking to you at all right now.

A shy doorder door salesman.

That's that's what I would be.

Yeah, well, I think you'd be a great doorder door salesman.

So insulting.

That is insulting.

I'm sorry.

You're friendly and you have a nice voice.

I would be horrible.

I would crumble, what kind of horrible would you be?

I don't like talking to people I don't know.

Really, I don't like imposing, Okay, I don't.

I'm just a bad salesperson, to be honest, I've been in I've been in SALESI ish jobs and been so bad.

As what described to me as sales issue.

Let's see it.

The first one that comes to I've both were kind of retailish.

One was Apple store that is a social owner, and I an Apple computer at the time, so I was not only trying to sell these things.

I didn't know anything about them because I didn't I owned an iPod.

No, so I titled genius.

Thank God they didn't let me see as a genius.

A genius.

I don't know anything, Please God, No, I let no one ask me a question today because I don't know anything.

That's how I felt.

So I was like I would just kind of like not make eye contact with customers and kind of just buzz around and try to stay near music stuff so I can answer questions about iPods.

Oh no, I.

Think it was probably like six months before I actually because then they give you a discount on a computer because I think they're like, please God, buy one of our products.

So I bought I think six months in.

But then I think I worked for eight months total or something, and then I went back to work.

But whatever that one, and then I worked at best Buy selling and as a cashier.

This thing you have to sell is product replacement plans, which is like insurance on your CD player or whatever, and then free subscriptions to Entertainment Weekly or Sports Illustrated.

That's the scammiest shit.

You were also pitch it to them at the registered Yes, what would you say.

Would you like to sign up for eight free weeks of Entertainment Weekly or Sports Illustrated?

To like, what the fuck I'm buying headphones that I'm gonna return?

What do you talk?

Why are we talking?

Yeah?

And then then you like had to then you would hope that the man manager wasn't nearby because you could be like, you can just give me your credit card number and then cancel right here, because you know, you're like just trying to get people to sign up for these things.

Did you have a quota?

Of course, there was a whole thing, and then fuck, you didn't make commission, So it's like, why am I doing it?

It's pressure.

I worked at Victoria's Secret for a little bit and they try to get us to get people to sign up for the bullshit in store credit cards and they were like, you need to do one per shift at least.

That's a lot and I was like, I will not.

I think I worked there for a few months and I, oh, it's got one person to do it.

And then she couldn't find her driver's license.

Gives you so close?

Can you pitch me on a Victoria's Secret credit card?

An underwear card?

Sure that sounds good?

Oh no, oh no, no, it's horrible.

And you're interested in signing up for an Angel's card.

Oh that's what they're called angels.

I my mouth remembered it, my brain did card.

You seem to really easily remember.

Oh, like that came out of me, Like, I mean, this is such a long time ago.

This is brainwashing, brainwashing.

Yeah, I've been brainwashed.

Yeah, and people don't talk about that enough about me, what I've been through.

What do you want them to say in your fantasy?

What do they say he was brainwashed?

I think that's easy.

Spread the word he was brainwashed.

And look at him now, and look at him now, he's doing so good.

That's so sweet.

Spread the word.

Well.

I think, look, there's something else we have to talk about.

Yes, another thing I'm not that comfortable talking about.

I was so happy you would be on the podcast.

I was really excited you would come and do the show.

Thought, Anna will come by.

We'll have a nice conversation, you will share secrets.

We'll get into it and have a nice time, and then our lives will move on.

The podcast is called I Said No Gifts.

I don't know if you got an email or a call or anything.

Okay, interesting because you did kind of walk into the studio.

I would say, kind of stride into the studio today holding what's obviously a gift.

Yeah, okay, is that for me?

Well yeah, okay, I skim the email.

Oh you're a skimmer.

Yeah, but it did say please bring a gift.

Oh.

Interesting.

On the podcast, make sure it's wrapped, because that's part of it.

It's funny that it's called I Said No Gifts, and the joke will be that you bring one, and then he'll act offended.

That is not in the email.

Yes, it is absolutely not in the email.

And the email went like this, It was moving its head all around.

Well, okay, so you've come here to lie in my to my face, Lie in your face, lie in my face, lie in my arms.

As I whispered you lie in your that I'm ready.

Yeah.

Should I open it here on the podcast?

Yes?

Okay, I'm giving you a gift that's a classic me gift, which is so tall, an insecure gift that's a bunch of stuff, okay, a grab bag.

Is this not okay?

That's here?

If it's not okay, I have a thing that I want you to pull out from it.

It's okay, it's okay, Okay, it's Okayause I know that that's cheating.

But this is the way that I give gifts with friends is I feel insecure, and I put too much stuff in, and I put it in like an ironic leftover bag.

This is an edible arrangements bouquet bag.

I wrote on an awards show, and Edible Arrangements sent three arrangements that were my size and a big, beautiful bouquet of like eighty flowers, Oh my god, and no one touched any of it.

Of course, I ate so much fruit I almost died.

And then I took home the flowers, which were all dead.

What were the arrangements fruit?

Like?

What was the shape like?

I don't The shape was like a hot air balloon.

But all of it was like the wedges of it.

It wasn't like a little chunk of melon.

It was like an entire crescent of honeydew, but naked.

Interesting.

I love honey honey.

Oh my god, I was dressed.

I was like, these all have to get eaten.

Was edible arrangements to funerals?

God, I bet they do have a nice fruit wreath in front of the tall this is it's a tall in this.

Yeah, and it's great for a bouquet because you can put water in the bottom of the bag.

Oh yeah, of course.

Yeah.

Okay, so we're opening it.

It's a very tall, kind of transparent bag from edible Arrangements and with this gorgeous sage ribbon that I'm struggling right here we go.

Okay, so time does it matter?

No?

I thought we'd just play.

My arm isn't long enough to get to the bottom of stick.

Put it on the floor and then reach it.

Does it even further away my body?

Yeah?

Does it matter which thing I bring up first?

No, it's going to be like jazz okay, of course, kind of a jazz guy.

Okay, Oh this is great.

Already we've got a beautiful uh slinky radio rainbow slinky.

I don't know when I got that, but it is unopened new inbox.

Mint condition, and I be, and I keep it in a little pile of things for if I have a friend with a kid who comes over.

This is my pile of children, like the.

Person you are.

It's like a dentist office treasure box.

Well this is I think this is the last one of two things.

Oh there were two objects.

Yeah, but I've lost confidence in a kid being interested in overtime.

Now I've never seen a slinking Is this a spine on it?

Yeah, it's it's never stuck together a little bit.

Oh it's also quite old.

Yeah, like it's like sealed.

Yeah.

Isn't that fun?

Oh yeah, crack the spine on that baby, careful, be careful, snatch it out of my hands.

Okay, now it's tied into them.

Oh he likes you.

This could be the rest of the episode.

Is me now being wait.

Okay, yeah, just okay, Now push the part that you have in your right hands.

Yeah, there you go it stressful see directing?

Wow where did you oh did you can't get Where did you get this?

I don't know.

It's been in the do children like this pile for so long?

I think I got it as like there were leftover prizes at a dunk tank or something.

I have no idea.

It's beautiful.

I've never seen a rainbow slinking like I only ever see the metal ones.

Wow, those are like the historic ones.

What did you do?

I broke it?

No, it's just break it.

Don't you try to.

I'm just amazing.

It's like it ruined here.

You can like this like this.

It's good for like a phone call.

I like to have a thing on a phone call that I can play with, like a fidget spinner.

Like a fidget spinner, you can go like that.

You can try to get it to go downstairs.

But the small ones just do that.

They kind of just die.

They fall diacic.

Looks like it has lost its skeleton or something.

Let's see if we can do it off.

I think it fell down.

That's the cool thing about slinkies is if you drop them off a table, they fall down.

That's why they called it that.

I honestly with without stairs, I don't really see the point of a slinking.

It's to do exactly what you're doing right now.

This is them.

This is like the reason you have a slinky is to kind of just accordion style.

Oh and you can also hold it.

Actually, a little closer to the mic so we can get that asmr oh.

Yeah like that, yeah and also yeah, like back and forth like like that.

Well, when there's a kink in it, it doesn't slink as much.

There's no kink in it.

Yeah, I like that.

You're smiling now.

I feel I've never done this with the slinky before.

Really, that's the whole thing I've done with slinkies.

Evidently, the one thing you're supposed to do with it.

Yeah.

Oh, I like it a lot.

The slinkies that can go downstairs.

You need the metal heft.

To do the plastics not going plastics.

It can try, but it will it'll fall.

How often are you having like a long phone call.

I'm a verbal thinker, so all the time really just takes a.

While, Like daily you'll have multiple long for I mean no.

Like I would say, a long phone call is like an eleven minute phone call.

Oh okay, where I need to have my hands doing something, right.

Do you ever get off a phone call and look down and you've made like a hereditary, weird haunted like doll out of like paper clips and like bobby pins and stuff.

I hang up and I'm like, what did I make.

I wonder it's kind of like automatic writing or something where your brain is one place and your hand is doing something else.

It's fucked up.

The devil is working through my hands, the devil when I'm going right, okay, yeah, yeah.

That sounds good.

I like to doodle while I'm on a long phone call.

What do you?

What kind of do?

What are your classic go to witch?

I love a little witch witch.

Yeah, little people, various small people.

Whole body or face.

I start with face, and then I'm not as good with body and arms and hands.

It gets harder as you go down.

But with a witch you kind of have a like you know, a dress is not hard to draw, A little striped legs are not hard to draw.

And the curly shoe, that's.

The curly shoes so fun.

The little boot with a heel a wizard, that's an easy one to draw.

Oh you can do that too.

That's another thing.

You can go like, what the hell?

And you can also put it on your wrist like a bracelet.

I wonder if that'll fit over my hand.

Oh that looks good.

Actually, I was really scared.

That was the feeling of getting in a roller coaster seat where you're like, am I gonna fit?

This is gonna be embarrassing.

I wonder if my hands are I'm putting for.

The listener he's trying to put it on.

We're gonna have to butter up my.

Thick thumb joint.

It's is a handsome feature.

Oh I guess you can kind of just cheat it.

Yeah, exactly.

Oh well, this is can fit on anyone.

It's rest them.

That's not if you've got the time.

If you got the time, and it feels nice to go like this when it's on your wrist, like move your hand back and forth because it'll go like.

Get this on completely.

This is really for you.

Look like you're from the future.

Now, Oh my god, I look so good.

I'll look at that.

It looks good.

Everyone loves it on me, they do, okay, and I'm gonna use it to reach into the bag again.

Oh my god.

Okay, great.

There's so many objects in here, a lot.

You're a bad uh.

I was gonna say a bad game game is called bad Choice.

This is a a type of what's it called Cards against Humanity type game that is a spin off that's a.

Different company, Okay, different company.

In bookstores or target.

There is an entire half of an aisle that's this kind of thing, right, and this is like it pull out, just pull out a card.

It's called bad choices.

This was given to us by selus.

It's given to us by people who love cards against humanity.

Which I'm trying to neutral.

Yeah, trying?

Okay, great, and keep the party going.

Okay, let's pull a card out.

This says, would you ever lie about a person to get them fired?

Sure?

Yeah?

The conversation ends after are you a piece of shit?

Keep going?

I do it constantly.

I found somebody who ever?

Let I need more context.

Okay, let's see here.

Would you spend the night in a full porta potty for ten thousand dollars?

See, this is where you know my attitude towards the game is getting worse and worse.

Would you?

I would?

I would spend the night like buried, like in a coffin for twenty dollars?

What are we talking about?

Sounds nice?

Some quiet?

It's a little float tank.

Ten thousand dollars?

Ye have course?

How long is a night?

That's nothing?

Which you would?

Yeah?

My superpower is I don't mind porta potties?

Oh interesting, I can hang with it.

I think it's the same part of me that would want to be ripping out teeth.

Oh right, most people would hate this, and I can put up with anything.

I almost feel like it's the cleaner smell in a porta potty that's the real problem.

Yeah, that stuff.

Is how would you describe that smell?

Like the smell of a gag?

Do you know what I mean?

That's it's like so, I mean, it's just horrible industrial Okay, let's get one more out of here.

Out of bad choices the game and this is like a wild card.

Have you ever had more than eight shots in one night?

Yeah?

I love These are yes or no questions.

It really is just people contending with am i abusis shit.

And then I guess like at some point the box just goes to the side and then everyone continue trying to make anyone looks at their feet.

Yeah.

I don't know if this is how you feel about this style of game, Cards against Humanity, whatever, where it kind of is like trying to make you feel like a naughty person or whatever.

Yes, it's very like morning radio.

It's like it's for religious people to be like, I can't believe I did a crazy thing last night, right, and the crazy thing was would you kiss an ant for a hundred donuts?

You're like that was crazy?

Yeah, they And sometimes you get drawn into these, you know, like you'll go to an event or a party or something and someone's playing it and then the feeling for me couldn't be worse.

The feeling for me couldn't be worse too, And the worst part of it, the feeling is the worst when you see the game, like the game's already on the table and then the hand is taking the lid off of the box, because then you know you're in.

You're for at least like six rounds, and then you have to you can't be like a like a sore party.

What is a sour post a sore participant participant?

You don't want to be like the drag at the party.

But it's like, oh, what do you look at?

You're doing to me?

This isn't who I am, And I have to like throw myself in because I am competitive and I'll feel bad if I lose.

Yeah, would you ever fuck a chair or.

Kiss hi?

Or I'm like what it's always obviously it's your birthday?

What are we talking about?

This?

Horrible and I would do both.

I would do it.

I have to pick only one.

Yeah, I uh, there's another game that's that kind of walk walks the line of this.

I don't know if you've ever played Quiplash, yes, which was kind of my hell through the pandemic.

That's hard.

You know.

People would be like, let's have a game night on Zoom.

Yeah, and it's the only way you can get social.

Interaction with your friends.

But oh, that's really I happen to enjoy those games you do.

But I like playing it with other comedy people because then it's us just writing like poop poop peepee and that like seeing the game like flip a thing around and it says like doodoo diarrhea likes.

That's the appeal for me.

But when I'm playing with non comedians and it's like the way that it's supposed to be played, I feel so competitive and inane.

I'm like, I don't like I don't like who I am right.

Now, right, I'm fine with them if Yeah, everybody's on board from the beginning of just like, let we're destroying the game.

We know what this is.

Yeah, I also don't mind one.

That's mind one that's more like neutral, like an apples to apples.

Yeah, where it's like it's just very neutral words on cards.

I also I have I don't like apples.

To as you don't like apples to apples.

Because I'm not.

Good at it.

I always get bad cards.

Every card's fine.

No, I'll get a full hand of like a truck a dog.

Those are good.

Oh you know what I'm realizing now, I'm blaming my cards.

I'm the problem.

You're the problem.

It's what you do with them.

The cards are dealt.

This is life, this is this is life.

Okay, well it should we keep going.

Let's ask one more.

Let's just see why is it?

Why is every one of them?

Yes?

Or no?

I guess I must play into the game.

It's an end of a conversation.

Yeah.

Would you drink a glassful of someone else's piss for five thousand dollars?

I hate this?

No, I again, I would do it for twenty I'm very hard.

Stop overpaying me for things I would do anyway.

That I'm doing for free.

Coff, I'm annoying because I answered all of this is like who's pits?

Right, which I think you're actually like kind of fixing the game for that.

Big as the glass?

What's the temperature of the piz right?

Whereas like the game is just asking yes or no?

You need more information a negotiation.

This is but it is seventeen plus.

Ooh yeah, that's why it's fun.

Okay, we're reaching back in.

Oh, this is tasteful.

This is a sticky note folio from the Rifle Paper Company.

Yeah, give it an open.

Oh, I like this.

This is really good.

Little labels and stuff with that kind of a floral.

Little sticky notes, sticky.

You can see it's still mint.

Brand brand new.

Where did this come from?

I I bought three of them with the idea that I would give them as gifts to my aunts for Mother's Day, and then I realized that I can't follow through on anything.

Did you give away any of them?

Maybe?

Okay?

I I feel like my uh ability to schedule and remember things has absolutely been decimated in the last year.

Yeah.

Where I have things fully scheduled and I'll look at my calendar in the morning and then do none of them?

Can fully miss therapy fully?

Oh you forget?

Yeah.

I think it's just like I have so much free time at this point that.

It's just when there's something to do, you forget.

Yeah, it makes it doesn't make any sense that I would have something to do that doesn't sound like me therapy, I'm fine.

Do you use like a Google like a Google?

Yoh, yeah, of course.

And do you put any alerts on there?

Well, here's my big problem.

I don't like an alert.

I don't like to be bothered.

I have my phone on do not disturb at all times.

So it's kind of luck that I am in touch with anyone that I remember anything.

Yeah, it's all kind of on my schedule.

Even my own calendar is on my schedule or like you know, it's like up to me whether I look at it, and so you know, it's kind of luck if I get something done.

Is that exciting though?

Do you like the excitement?

No?

Okay, it feels bad.

Yeah, it feels hard.

This is a problem you're creating, Oh absolutely, and you're aware of it.

Yes, that's I And this is something I really don't like in other people when I'm like, I know you're aware of the problem, why aren't you just working on it?

I know?

It's it is like when someone says I'm having such a hard time with this thing, and then they say or if it's like I'm having a hell of a time fighting an apartment and you say I can help, they're like, okay, because I need it to be a two bedroom, I need it to be on the Hollywood side, and it has to have a butler, and.

If it could be in San Diego, yeah, and also there.

And you're like, oh no, the problem is the goal.

Yes, and I have all I do all of these things, and yet I, oh, yeah, I don't try to fix them.

Are you good with scheduling?

I am not, And I think I'm one of those people who's bad with scheduling.

And so I put everything in the Google calendar, right, But that then means that if I don't put it in, it doesn't exist.

Right.

That's the thing I used to be.

Yeah, and now I've kind of become both where nothing ever exists, Apparently.

Nothing ever exists.

Apparently it's so tough.

It's a good podcast.

Nothing ever exists.

Apparently that could be a good like not true crime, but the mystery genre, mystery poetry, mystery poetry podcast.

Wow, this is very good, though, I think little reminders maybe it'll help.

Physical reminders is a good way back, I think to schedule.

Yeah, right, big time, big time.

A notebook?

A notebook with two things written on the first two pages and then completely empty.

Is that how you journal?

Do you journal the amount I do?

And it is shameful.

I'll I'll go through like eight months of doing it and then five years.

Not right, but the shame of having a planner or a notebook where it's like the first two pages are filled in and the rest is playing.

Oh yeah, so what happened to my life?

Sucks?

Have you missed any big events because of scheduling.

All the time?

I will say there was one example where it wasn't my fault, where my agent asked me, this is years ago, if I would do a college show in Maine, okay?

And I said, yeah, I'm available, And then I didn't hear back.

And then on the day the agent assistant called me and was like, hey, just wanted to check and make sure you're on your way to rule mail.

Oh no, I was like, what the fuck is up?

Just in my house?

Oh?

And then I had to fly into a different city in Maine.

I guess it didn't have.

To, but I wanted to sure it was.

I was in such a panic that I didn't realize that it was not my fault because I just like, I'm always confused.

So I had to fly into a different city in Maine because there were no other flights available at that time to get there for the flight, and then I took a two hour uber.

How much did it cost to get there?

I think the flight was like two hundred dollars and then the uber was one hundred and eighty or something, and then I probably got like maybe fifteen hundred dollars for the show.

Wasn't you made it out a little bit?

Yeah, it wasn't a good deal.

But the woman who drove me told me that she used to work in nursing homes and she quit because the staff, the staff at all nursing homes aren't very abusive to the patients.

Oh, I think that happens more often than you think.

I was like, I'm so glad that we have two hours to really dig into this.

I worked at a retirement home in the dining room.

What did you do there?

I was a waiter and a lot of the residents would lie about having diabetes in order to get the diabetic ice cream.

That's that was the big secret.

Why did they want that?

Because they didn't want the desert of the day, because it was usually worse than diabetic ice cream.

That sounds bad.

I must have loved you.

I measure being an old person and you're the waiter.

I can't say one way or the other.

I will say at the time I had pretty long hair, and a lot of them just thought I was a woman.

For the probably the first two weeks, They're like, who's this sweet young lady?

And then we slowly learned, and then some of them didn't, and we just worked worked through it.

Most people, I think probably like talking to you.

That's very nice.

I think it's true.

It's calm, it's very sweet.

I don't know.

If I were a rehabbed owl and you came towards my creat I wouldn't go on the corner.

I just maybe I'll start an owl rescue.

Maybe maybe keep going getting back in here.

This is a full destroyed book.

I've never heard of this.

It'sanaslavsky system.

Yeah, this is a system of acting.

It is.

Yeah, this is like the big one.

How have I never heard of this one?

It's Danaslavsky.

I don't know.

That's so the main one this is from college.

We had to get it.

Where did you go to school?

Why you okay, Well, I mean.

The Harvard of the South.

Uh.

Yeah, this is a must have acting.

Book and you've really gotten into it.

Yeah, it's water damaged.

I hope nothing's highlighted.

I just wanted you to have it in case you wanted to.

I want to see if you highlighted anything.

Do iret my name and phone number in the front?

I didn't do that.

No, this I've been through it.

Yeah, it's a lot of acting as if like, what's your character motivation?

Actually, I was like, I don't know if I can give this away because.

What if I become what if you forget about it really hot and they need me.

Let's see, you didn't highlight anything, so I don't think you really cared to learn.

Oh, let's see more.

Just that kind of facts.

These aren't that interesting thing?

Can you read one?

Uh?

Let's see on stage.

An actor's senses are often prone to paralysis because of the break in natural psychophysical behavior.

The actor then loses the feeling of real life and forgets how to do the simplest things that he does not naturally and spontaneously do.

In life.

Hmm ring any bells remind you of anyone?

Did you major in acting?

I did?

Oh, I didn't know that.

I have a college degree in acting.

And it can we apply to almost anything.

It can, yeah, sort of action.

It's always shocking when something from the acting degree.

Is helpful in other areas.

You mean, like in like writing or whatever.

Oh sure, sure, it's like, huh I went.

To goofball school.

I can't believe.

Can you think of anything specifically like?

Uh?

No, no, I guess, like uh character, like the idea of having a character biography.

Oh sure sure it's like.

Oh yeah, I spent three weeks building out like I'm an abusive old woman who lives in an attic and I'm gonna write my favorite food where I grew up.

Yeah that's a bad example, but I guess I guess it has never happened.

I just wanted you to have it.

I'm worried that there's too much stuff in the bad No.

I feel like we're almost done.

Okay, and we've actually received more idents on this podcast.

Oh good, Okay, I like not to well, actually, now that I'm saying maybe not.

Yeah no, oh yeah.

So there's a couple of press on nails.

Never, it's called never ever ever look at that and you can stick control.

Just to try.

I bought a bunch of press on nails for a thing and then I was started to panic.

I was like, which one is right?

And then I didn't return them.

Oh sure, And when I see them in my house, I feel like a stupid idiot.

Where are you storing all of this stuff.

In little plastic bins in the only closet in the house, and a bin that's labeled travel.

The press on nails were in travel Travel has a lot of room in it.

Sure, and this is technically weddings corporate events.

Let me show you what it would look like.

Does this look great?

Yes?

This does this look like my hand?

Absolutely?

If you had shown up today with those nails, I wouldn't have beat an eye.

I panic and go who am I before?

I get dressed every time, and this this day was a bad one.

There's more.

There's three more in there.

And then we've got some multi action super CSPF which expire February of last year.

I bought that at Costco in to two BAC never used it once, not neither of them.

The other one is used but I think it's uh, let's now in box.

That's also from the travel box, because there is room in travel.

What is I've never used a vitamin sea moisturizer.

Is that supposed to like burn your skin off it?

No?

It puts it on.

It puts the more on.

What is vitamin C supposed to do to your skin?

Make it good?

Keep digging, Come on, people, people are almost done folding their laundry.

There's so many things this is.

Look at this.

Okay.

Yep.

Those I put in my suitcase every time I travel, just in case, and they're old.

Have they been used?

No?

I guess you can only use these ones.

People, you know, take them.

Off and put them back on them are resourceful.

From the Sephora collection.

Yep.

Then we've got a I dine.

When I thought they might nuclear war, I bought in a five pack.

Do these expire?

They better not expired?

No?

I bought them like five months ago.

Oh expires in twenty thirty four.

Oh thank god.

So we definitely have to have a nuclear or more before then.

Waste.

Yeah, what a waste of money.

Then I have to eat them all at.

Once if there isn't some level of nuclear winter in the next what nine years, we can do it.

I feel I feel like we have yeah, got the come on, the power and the beliefs.

It's also like I realized, like, what's the plan When I run out?

I just turn into Google.

You had a great time.

What's the point of extending?

Like, what's the point in two weeks or something?

Nuclear famously doesn't go away by that amount of bottle.

Yeah, these bottles should be huge.

It came in a five pack on Amazon.

It made it look huge, and then they showed up and were tiny.

I was like, okay, yeah, that's like for like a quick like a nuclear weekend.

That's not that's where like.

I shouldn't.

But I will.

I'm yeah.

And that also was in the travel bit.

That's travel worthy.

I would say, just in case more tips.

These are alway for chill tips.

I'm sorry, so no, So the chill tips were the ones I ended up wearing.

Oh right, and they were.

The yellow ones, And that's a chill tips brand.

I don't like chill tips.

Chill tips and this one's called the never have I Ever.

Yeah, they're both kind of like want you to think about hand jobs.

Yeah, keep going, okay, setting this all up more from the travel, more press on, more pressed on?

Does that never have every These.

Are never had by ever with a It's like a pink with a cheetah print.

Cheata print.

I was panicking.

I was like, am I who do I?

Whose hands are these going on?

And you had I mean they're all over the place.

You really had no idea.

It was for the sn L fiftieth.

Okay, that's a confusing, and I never know.

I never know how to be in a room right with other people in general.

And that was like, what steaks are kind of hot.

I have to just.

Become a different person in order to get through whatever.

What did you end up wearing?

I wore a bridesmaid's dress with a leather jacket, great and yellow press on nails that I glued on my fingers in thirty rock while watching the show.

Did you get any compliments?

I don't think so.

And I just kept hurting myself.

If you hit the tip of the back of it on something, it like hurts, it pulls up your little guy.

These.

Yes, that feels like if you got them done professionally, they would be on so much.

Well, it's not gonna It's just like a little yank.

It's not.

It wouldn't pull your finger off.

Well maybe depending on your diet and general health.

It comes back to who's pisses this?

Yeah, who's pisses this?

Keeep gone?

Come on?

Also from the travel.

Then tissue tissue.

There's only one thing.

Let throw the tissue on there.

It really Oh my god, I'm excited for this.

In who Let's sit here, it's it says I needed tension.

It's a button that says I need attention.

But that says I need attention.

State Mutual Savings.

I got that in an estate sale a few years ago, and I was like, I need to give this to someone who's funny and stylish, because I think it's actually nice.

This is There was a I feel like a period probably between nineteen sixty nine and nineteen eighty seven.

I would say that feels like a period when buttons like this were getting made and they looked hard and they had things right that were like kind of funny but not trying too hard, yes, and anyone could wear them any You're so almost anyone could wear a button during that period.

Almost anyone these days these days, you really it's like it's just the town.

Docked one in a million.

It's able to wear a button.

Yeah, So this is an assembly of things from the travel bin, things that I bought with the idea of I'll give it to someone and then kept not doing it.

And I somehow see that button eight times a day.

I love this button and.

Things that, uh it's it's stuff I don't use that I feel I can't throw away.

Right, that's almost everything for me.

Yeah, if I spent money on it, it does not matter if it has any value in my life.

If it's getting in the way, I'm keeping it.

I will carry it around like Jacob Marley with the chains that he built in life link by link, and I'm like.

This is my bird.

I bought this chill tips and I will carry for the rest of my life as punishment.

Right now, something I didn't even buy myself.

My dad accidentally sent me two massive boxes of industrial sized garbage bags from Costco.

He was trying to send them to himself, and they've been in my car for well I've bet I've talked about on this podcast, probably over a year ago.

Industrial size meaning like a big barrel, like a big.

Cbetaria, big enough probably to fit inside a like, you know, like your la garbage can, so I can't be used in the home, you know, I can't just put in my kitchen garbage pan.

Wow, who's lining their outdoor trash bin?

That's impressive.

Somebody who doesn't like smell.

I guess they respect themselves a lot.

Yeah, but yeah, I'm holding onto everything.

Did you go to the state sales a lot?

No?

My friend Amy is in a state sale queen and she finds great stuff.

Whenever I went into a phase and really liked it because I like little dude ads and nickknacks.

Sure, the issue is I now have buckets of little craps like I need attention that I do love that should go to someone as.

A gift, right, and today was your turn.

It's like a people museum.

It's like a museum.

I like, Yeah, I love going into a house that I wouldn't be allowed in any other circumstances.

I rarely buy anything.

I'll buy like a trinket.

I now enjoy thrift stores and a state sales way more knowing that I don't have to buy anything.

Oh interesting, It's just it's a thing to go and do.

This is me completely, This is literally me with a grocery store.

You like to go and visit the I love to just walk around and visit the food.

My friend, the food high food.

Do you have a favorite food, a favorite isle?

What do you like to look at?

I don't have a favorite isle.

Every isle has something new for me to look at.

I would say the things that have the most turnover are like the snacks and cookies for sure.

Because Oreo has a new flavor every thirty to forty seconds.

They're very attention grabby.

I mean, give them this button.

I mean they're desperate, the Oreo people are.

It's sad, Dawn.

We already like you if we liked the first one.

You don't have to do any of this.

I mean, like truly, seventy flavors ago, they were out of good flavors, and now it just feels like somebody that's like, oh, what's next for your life?

You're in a bad place.

Banana.

No one likes a banana candy.

I think there's a Selena Gomez.

Are you like a banana candy?

I do, but yeah, I was like, who is it to me?

More?

I'm one hundred years old.

You like a banana runt?

I like love a banana runt.

Oh, that's when I save.

I like a banana laffy.

Daffy comes with a smile.

It's nice to know that there is somebody that they're making them for.

Yeah, I'm the one.

You're the person.

Sorry, I do that.

I haven't had a runt in a long time.

And I love that texture.

Oh yeah, it's like eating a bead.

I love putting beads in my mouth.

I love plastic in my mouth.

And then I found out about micropot.

It is like eating a bead.

It's very much like eating a little bead.

And it's an exciting moment because it's like there's a chance if I bite down hard enough, I'll split my skull open.

This could this could be.

It for a split second of banana.

That's that's what you're putting on the line.

It's a rush.

Yeah, it's an absolute rush.

I don't even know if they sell runts anymore.

I should look into it.

Well, is there anything left to say about this enormous pile of goods.

It's a relief to have it out of the house.

Thank you so much for kind of pouring it on.

Yeah, thank you so much to help me out.

I keep being like I'll put it on the curb and put a post on buy nothing Burban, right, And then even that.

Is like that's hard.

You're not supposed to just do flash gibs.

You can, but oh, I didn't know you couldn't do that.

You can, Okay, it's not the spirit of the.

Group, right.

It needs to be more intentional.

You should post it individually with photos.

It should be.

The admins are.

Constantly tagging everyone in the group to add another role and I'm scared of the group.

So yeah, but I can't throw it out and I can't really donate it.

The standards for buy Nothing are way higher than I expected.

Just getting into my group was a huge pain.

You have to say, like it's like who you are Almoso, like a background.

Check a thousand percent.

It's like there's nothing in my neighborhood that's so awesome that people are trying to get.

In, right, Yeah, And like I feel like they knew better about where I live within Los Angeles than I do.

I think I gave them the wrong information about where I live and they're like, you don't live there, find out where you live and come back what is your zone?

Ide?

Like what is I have to look at of surveyor's map to get into this.

And I have not given away or taken anything from the group, So why am I in it?

I don't you like to look?

I know I like to belong you.

I like to belong.

Was looking to belong.

Let's play a game.

Okay, we're gonna play a game called Gift you a Curse.

But I need a number between one and ten from you.

Nine.

Okay.

I have to do some light calculating to get our game pieces.

So right now, you can promote, recommend, do whatever you want.

I'll be right back.

I would like to say that you're doing great, all of you out there, and you should feel nice and give yourself a hug and hear me.

I've never I don't think i've ever seenized on this podcast.

Interesting.

What's in this bag?

Oh?

Got a big dust?

Yeah?

Probably the travel bind does not get rifled through often or not.

I wasn't listening.

Did you promote or recommend?

No?

I panicked you guys said a prayer.

Do you have anything to promote right now?

Yourself?

Myself, my brand?

You're on Instagram?

Oh and you have the other services?

Really?

My Instagram is pictures of my dogs.

Sure, have you enjoyed anything recently enjoyed?

Yeah, that's not of your own?

Like shows and stuff.

Whatever, movie, food, music, movie TV.

Why can't I think of one thing?

Because it's a horrible question.

It is, it will erase your mind.

I yeah, I rewatched Hereditary the other day to treat it, and I watched the last thirty minutes on mute.

Oh sure, she's have really taken the choices?

Did you see bring her back?

No?

I feel like Hereditary?

I mean, who I'm.

Gonna I'm going to race out of the studio, go home, close every window, and angle the TV away from any surface.

It is noon, not a good time I watch movie.

I cannot wait to get home and put it on.

Did you see talk to Me?

I did?

You didn't?

You didn't like talk to me?

It didn't It didn't get me.

Okay, it's not that I didn't get it.

It didn't give me.

No, I liked it.

I liked Yeah, it was a cool thing that I've never really seen a horror movie do.

Where like everyone immediately is like cool, we're talking to ghosts.

No, One's like that's not real.

What are you doing?

Everyone was immediately on board.

Okay, I wonder how you feel.

And this is the same people, the same character.

I'll have to look, but.

I think you'll probably like it better.

Was it as bleak as talked to me?

It's I mean, I think it is the bleakest thing I've ever seen.

Was it mean mean bleak?

Mean mean sad?

No, it's not mean.

I found talk to me to be mean sad.

No, I would say this is like just sad, just so dark and sad.

That sounds great.

Does a dog get hurt?

I can't remember if any animals get hurt?

I don't.

This is the thing I want to promote is I don't do anything with them.

But there's a site, an app called does the Dog Die?

Oh, that's a good thing to download.

Premium version I think is ten dollars a year, and any movie or TV show And it's not just dog dying, it's does a dragon feel sad?

Sure?

Our fingernails ripped off?

You can put in anything that's either triggering or upsetting.

Because if I see a movie where a dog is confused about being abandoned, I actually have to go to the hospital.

It's debilitating and I am now I've gotten a little bit better.

But it's really nice because you can see like, okay, yeah, in this episode of Suernobyl from minute thirty, I just skipped that.

That's another frequent rewatch for me because amazing explaining grave things.

It's so I loved it.

It's perfect.

But iodine.

That's how they say right, they say antibiotic, antibiotic or something.

There's like the way you say it with a British accent.

Is anytime I've ever heard it, I've thought, wait, I don't know what you're sing saying to me.

We're going to find out.

Doesn't matter.

I really like it.

Jared Harrison Runtkin.

It's a measure of right right.

I love him.

I loved him in mad Men.

And Everything, put him in all the things I'm here to promote.

Jared.

I am too, who never stops working.

He doesn't need it.

He needs the help, Jared, reach out, reach out.

This is how we play gift or a curse.

I'm going to name three things.

You'll tell me if there are a gift or a curse, and why then don't tell if you're right or wrong, because there are correct answers.

Oh great, so you can loose I love that look forward to it.

Okay, the first one is from an unknown listener who knows where this came from.

But it was a listener, and we do appreciate you despite me, either forgetting to put your name down or getting lost in transactor, lost in translation gift or a curse public Venmo transactions gift.

Why, Oh, it's so personal.

It's like a girl I knew from improv who married rich is paying her babysitter with a date Saturday for Saturday.

Oh the ephemera A man I dated for.

One moment.

Paying utilities to a woman who has this same last name.

His wife took his name, but he's chipping in for utilities.

Correct gift.

I don't participate.

I refuse to participate, and I feel like it is an opt in, which is always a little confusing for me.

Interesting, Oh, I have it, so it's opt out, like you have to opt to make it private.

I feel like I've never been asked and I've always been private.

Oh maybe it's a setting.

Because it feels like it should be backwards.

Don't you think like it shouldn't be private, it should be public, and you turn on private.

I feel that that's what I have.

And you're currently public or you've turned I actually don't know.

I think sometimes it's public and someone is private.

This is why a worry for me.

I'm like, I think I'm private, But am I like this loser from high school that's paying his mom for pizza or whatever?

Do you know what I mean?

I don't want to be my name like people seeing my petty transactions.

I love seeing them, and not even in a mean way.

I'm like, it's beautiful.

It's like ephemera.

It's a torn corner of a birthday card from the eighteen hundreds.

Well, I don't mind seeing them.

I just don't want to know anyone.

There are times where I feel a little bit exhibitionist and I'm like, I want them to see that.

I went to dinner with one of my closest friends.

And they demanded eighteen dollars.

Yeah, yeah, okay, you got one right so far?

Thank you.

The second one is from two different Patreon listeners.

They both submitted a similar thing.

Patricia and Sophia thank you gift to a curse when watching a cooking show slash video and the person says Jarlick for jarred garlic curse.

Why I've never heard of that, and I don't like the way it sounds.

And apparently it's happening a lot, because it's getting submitted by multiple people.

Jarlick jar lick.

And this is a cooking video.

So we're looking at sort of like what are the bone appetite stuff?

And someone says, jarl like, a jar of garlic is a curse?

You think so, yeah, because it's the it's a bad color, the colors bad.

The color is so different from regular you open a garlic, And I don't like the way that the word jarli sounds.

We do have frozen garlic, like Trader Joe's will sell those like little tiny ice cube trays farlic farlic that sounds wonderful.

That sounds like a folk character.

What's the Did I get it right?

The answer is it's an it's a curse.

Okay, good have you'd have been so I don't think jarlck it's not necessary.

It's actually it's more confusing because now we have to learn a new word for a thing that is very When you say jarred garlic, you know what that is?

Jarred garlic.

Now that we're even saying, I don't I feel like I'm losing grasp of the English language.

I feel like I've never heard.

A word before jarred garlic.

Hearing the two people said that thing where Jarlick makes me feel out of touch, like a loser, like I've been in a coma for three years.

What's happening with culture that I don't know that.

Sophia and Patricia, they're in a group that's most people, and I'm all the way over here.

This is my entire experience.

I was just talking about this.

I feel like there's a newsletter that goes out to ninety nine percent of the population that I just didn't get signed up for.

And I'll be like, wait, everyone knows this, and they knew it immediately, and they're acting like I should have known it about it six months ago.

Well, you have your phone on, do not disturb.

You're free.

But I don't feel free, all right?

I want to be I'm desperate for attention to Maybe.

Maybe you and I will hold hands and pray out at the end of this and we'll try to become included more.

So we'll like, you know about the next jar Lick.

Yeah, I want to see it come in.

I don't want to get hit in the side of the.

Head with another jar.

I couldn't handle it.

No, it's I'm one jar lick away from a.

Rubber room, all right.

This third one is from another Patreon person, an a gift or a curse.

Salt life car stickers.

Oh, like a bumper sticker that says salt life and it's like surf people saying that.

I guess that's always been my assumption.

That's what it is.

I'm I'm smiling.

I think it's a gift.

I like knowing that people surf because that's so involved.

I never we occupy completely different areas and they like their hobby so much that they put a sticker on their car about it.

And it's salt and it's salt life.

Those are two nice words.

I love to see it.

I love seeing the back of a car and being like, that's they did a diorama of themselves.

Right, like a little like school project.

Yes, the trifled cardboard.

Yeah, wrong, curse.

That just that seems mean.

We'll explained this has nothing to do with mean.

First of all, I see like you.

Until you said the surf thing, I was still wondering what it even meant.

So maybe I'm wrong.

See what you don't even know?

What does it mean?

We could be committing to something that's bad right now?

Can you have a laptop?

This could be a group that you know, bomb's clinics.

I don't know what salt life is.

I need a more clear It could.

H it stands for a save abortion.

Let me talk.

It's the opposite.

Yeah, I think it would be stop abortion.

Yes, literally get today?

You're literally today life?

Yeah?

Who knows?

And most of these bumper sekers are always so vague and I can't commit to what I don't want to know about your life.

Okay, keep it to yourself.

You're telling me you're at a red light and there's an empty car but in front of you, and you aren't feeling left out of having a little thing to read.

I'm glad to have a moment of peace.

All right, Salt life hot least?

Do we know what salt life is.

I think it's a company.

It's a company.

Oh, it's a company.

Why did I think it was surfing?

No, but it's it's connected to celebrating the ocean and coastal activities.

Okay, oh my god, they are Okay, then, thank god.

I think it's a gift.

I love to know that there are people who do the ocean and water activities, and that they also have cars.

They're not always in the water.

It's not just a boat, it's a car.

They can do multitudes.

Also, I will say, as an olive branch, sure to this idea, I think the twenty six point two oval umper sticker is a curse.

Oh and there's there's just so many of them.

Yeah, I can't creep up with the math on which what does this one mean?

And like the ones that are really small, I'm like, oh, now I'm just sad.

Like, what's the smallest number you can have of one of those things?

That's I think it's ten point two, it's or thirteen point thirteen point one is a half marathon.

Get back to me when you've got to the full, or just I don't want to know.

Don't stop at the sticker.

Don't you put the sticker on at thirteen point one?

That makes me sad.

The energy you spent buying and putting that on your car could have been spent training.

You shouldn't be driving, you should be running to work.

You should be running.

Maybe maybe it.

Would be a different number.

Absolutely well, you got two out of three.

Okay, that's good, Thank you horrible.

This is the final segment of the podcast.

It's called they said no emails.

People a writing into I said no gifts at gmail dot com.

They're also sending voice notes.

People send voice notes, you prefer it's easier, and they need to be sixty seconds long and recorded in a quiet room.

That's easy.

This is so fun.

But we're gonna read one.

Okay, we help me answer a question?

Yeah, okay, let's get into the talk here.

This is Bridger and guessed, very clean, very cold greeting.

I'll say this is please.

I need your help with a social dilemma.

I have a work event coming up soon, and while I normally feel comfortable chatting with people, I always find myself second guessing how to leave conversations without being awkward.

Okay, you know those moments when the conversation has naturally quieted down and you're unsure of what's supposed to happen next.

I tend to linger too long out of politeness or leave out of panic.

I know both of those feelings.

How do you wrap things up at move along?

At parties, especially when it's someone more senior or somebody I don't know, well, I never know what to do.

Would love any advice or phrases you have to navigate.

I imagine you're much better at this.

I can't imagine where this person got that idea.

Benjamin Benjamin is having the problem of at a converse leaving a conversation.

This is a this is a problem that I also have.

I don't know how to handle this at all.

You are you have like dysmorphia about the way that you come across.

No, I think you just don't know me very you're.

Very polished and lovely, like straight up.

And also, yeah, I don't I don't have an answer.

This also the question itself would be like writing in how do I become a prima ballerina with verbal advice?

It's like you got to put in the years, you got to know.

There's nothing I'm gonna tell you, although I will say, Matt was it or Benjamin Benjamin close.

Benjamin did ask a good question in this big existential one, which is do you have suggestions of phrases?

Which is incredible, right, gives us an opportunity at least, Yeah, let me think my I mean, my two go tos are always I'm going to get a drink, right, I need to use the bathroom.

But you know both of those that you kind of have a small amount of them for each party, because then eventually people are like, well, you've asked, You've gone to get nineteen drinks.

How could you possibly know?

I also think at this point, I'm going to go get a drink has become like not even euphemistic anymore.

People know what's going on.

People know exactly what it is, and it's it's almost like a version of looking at your watch going well it's getting late.

It's just so used.

The first thing I thought of was turning it around to the party saying like do you know anyone else here?

Or like oh before, or like bring it out to the space so that way your body language.

Kind of opens up.

You're half leaving, and.

You've made their eyes move away from you, because I find getting stuck in eye contact to be It's sticky.

Right, It's very and it's my problem is is like i'll run into a I'll say, well, I'll just I'll let you enjoy it, or I'll leave you alone, is what I'll say.

And that's not No one wants to be like Oh, now they think he thinks I'm bothering them.

There's no, that's not a good way out of it.

I unfortunately do have this dynamic with one of my closest friends, or I had it before, and my husband overheard us doing exactly what you're saying.

Like I was saying to her, I don't want to take up too much of your time.

Sorry, you probably have to go, and she was saying, I'm so sorry.

I'll get out of your hair.

I just need to charge my phone.

I'll be out of here.

And he saw we are very close friends.

We worked together for years.

She officiated my wedding.

He was watching it happen and stopped us and said, I just need to say something.

Neither of you has plans, and both of you want to be with each other.

You like each other, you are friends.

You are being friends right now, and you're not mad at her, she's not mad at you.

You both want her to sit on your couch and watch Celtic Woman music videos.

Oh, I like say, stand of this.

We do it.

And then that was like a turning point in our friendship.

We need it to be like manually reset.

No, I think you get into rhythms like that.

Yeah, yeah, but yeah, the saying like I'll get out of your hair, right, I think, oh, they want to get away.

Yeah, other phrases, this is great.

I feel like I don't want to tell you how to run your show, but I would love to hear people write in with phrases.

That, oh, that's a great I have you get out of a conversation.

Yeah, polite things, Oh, it's great.

To back away.

I would love to hear something for my own well being.

Yeah, do you know what I mean?

This is kind of in the same territory.

I wonder how you feel about nice to see you, because people have started cheating with saying that instead of saying nice to meet you, and I see right through it, and I just think.

Nice to see you is a weird fucking thing to say forever.

Regardless, if you're meeting someone for the first time and they say nice to see you, I know that they're doing the thing where they don't know if you met me or not.

Nobody is being fooled by that anymore.

No.

Wait, I just thought of one.

It's I'm gonna take a lap, I'm going to.

Circulate a little.

And you think that's good.

Well, you do it like in a tongue in cheek way where it's like, all right, let me just do a lap, where you're like, I'm gonna let me just circulate.

I'm gonna have to hobnob, so it takes the pressure out of it.

I can't imagine myself saying that I'm gonna take a lap.

Does that sound.

Jimmy Stewart affect.

No, not at all.

I don't know what to say.

I'm trapped.

I'm I'm an earthy, brassy, sort of broad type.

I can get away with it.

I'm gonna take a lap.

I'm going to see what's on the.

Let me just I have to say hi to a few people.

Oh, I have to stay hi to a few again.

That seems mean.

I have to.

I want to make sure I say I've talked to you enough.

Well, this has gone far enough.

I feel trapped.

I'm gonna.

I can barely breathe.

This isn't great.

Just walk away, yeah, I think also like calling attention to it, like, wow, did you feel the conversation?

Just go away crazy hard right now?

Holy shit, I'm scared?

Are you scared?

I think that's fair.

I feel sick and maybe blame them for it.

Yeah, and then say I gotta go get a drink.

Perfect.

Because of how horrible this was.

I hope that we don't cross pads again.

Wow.

I'm gonna be watching out for you.

This was hard for me.

This sucked.

Well.

We answered the question perfectly.

Yeah, but people should still write in with you, bra.

If people I think send them in.

I think that maybe we could next episode or whenever we get these phrases, we'll update let people know, just in order to help in situations.

This is great again.

It's autility podcast.

People come here for life help.

This is this old house of talking exactly.

Well, I have so many things to deal with that you've brought today.

Yeah, good luck.

This could change everything from me walking and I felt worried for you that you display the gifts, and I hope that you don't feel the pressure to put them all up.

We'll put up whatever we want.

It's kind of rotating, okay, great, oh, rotating.

Okay, it's a gallery.

It's a gallery.

I mean, if you had to pick what, this could easily this.

Yeah, that really that goes.

It goes matches with the dinosaur and the unicorn.

Imagine you just hit your hand on the table while unspooling this slinky.

Imagine if this table were marble.

Oh, you'd be bleeding.

You'd be bleeding and cold, so chilly, Willy, I can't believe had long sticks to get off.

Okay, there we go, it's going right on to the table.

Look at that there.

Oh she matches the cactus candy perfectly gorgeous.

Oh.

I've had such a nice time with you.

This was lovely.

Thank you for bringing all of these objects.

Thank you for taking them off my hands.

Of course, really this rocked listener.

The podcast is over.

We're closing it down for the day.

Do whatever you want to do.

I don't want anything to do with it.

I love you, good, Bobby, I said, No Gifts is an exactly right production.

Our senior producer is on Alisa Nelson, and our episodes are beautifully mixed by Ben Holliday.

The theme song is by miracle worker Amy Mann, and we couldn't do it without our booker, Patrick Cottner.

You must follow the show on Instagram.

At I said No Gifts, that's where you're going to see pictures of all these wonderful gifts I'm getting.

And don't you want to see the gifts.

And did you hear.

Funa man myself perfectly clear?

But you're I guess home.

You gotta come to me empty, And I said, no, guests.

Your own presence is presents enough.

I already had too much stuff, So how do you dare to surbey me?