He friend Chris Hello, what's up?

Well?

Hey, what's up man?

How you doing?

Man?

I could be better?

But I'm living about stuff?

Yeah, I'm all right?

But what what is it?

I mean ship?

I feel like if it's cool with you, I don't, I don't mind if we uh get into it here.

I'm game, I'm game today.

What Why could you be doing better?

Chris Man?

I just, I just I feel like I have big dreams but like little dedication to follow through with them.

I don't know if that makes any sense?

Sure that makes sense?

What are your What are your dreams?

Chris Well?

I want to I want to create music that emotionally, that that helps people.

I come from a childhood where I mean truth told man, all I really had to get me through my life was God and music.

And I mean music.

There was a tangible thing for me that was always there for me.

And like I want to, I want to create music that helps people like the music I listened to help me.

I guess.

What kind of music was it that helped you?

I mean different cons?

I don't.

I don't like okay, literally anything from heavy metal, conscious rap, like alternative rock.

It's just everything.

Conscious.

Yeah, you know like like j Cole, Kanye West, stuff like that.

Mm hm.

And how how did this music help you?

Well?

It it kind of gave me bear with me.

It gave me the delusion that I should keep trying, even though everything around me told me that I should give up.

To put it politely, Uh, interesting, do you mean just you mean give up on like living?

Yeah?

What what were the things around you telling you to give up on living?

Well?

I mean I'm gonna go deep with me, mister Gick.

I mean I'm fine with it, Okay.

So just to give you an idea of my life, one of the earliest memories I have is of my dad picking up a fan and throwing it at my mom while she was in the bast of I was like when I was four years old, and like just living in the house with a bunch of drug users, living in a bunch of chaotic situations.

Truth be told, man, I was one of I was more so raised than I was or not raised.

I was grown more than I was raised.

Like.

My family provided me the basic necessities, and they, you know, gave the mirage to everyone else that was a good old happy family.

But you know, I'd go to my parents like I'd go to my mom's and ask her just about anything, and she would always be too busy or not right now?

Or why are you always asking things like this?

And I just had very little.

I have very little emotional support.

I guess that's why I do appreciate music, because that was one of the few things that did emotionally support me, even though I didn't know the artists personally.

They're one telling me like keep going, you know, fight the storm, or you know whatever, stuff like that.

Did you have anyone besides the musicians that were hiding you with some kind of guidance or support, Like did you have any friends or like fucking like an uncle or something like that.

I had a grandpa.

I mean he passed away whenever I was fifteen, I think, But I mean really not, not really.

I was a really annoying kid.

I wasn't want to be class clown, like I wanted people to laugh at the jokes I said.

But a lot of times if I would have raised my hand in class, people would like audibly grown like they just it was well known that people didn't like me.

I was like, I guess a good analogy would be that I was always the last kid to get picked to like get picked their team sports because it wasn't like I couldn't play, It's just they didn't even want me around.

But you know, I'm at the age now where I realized that the reason I was acting like that is because I was trying to get I was seeking attention from school, proping from the lack of attention I got from home.

So when you were that kid, were you able to make friends with any of the other weird kids, Because I feel like there's always like kind of a group of like annoying kids that like get together and like they can like fucking kind of be annoying amongst one another.

If I did, it was only at school, and it would usually just be the people who would move, like moved in from out of town.

It's dumb.

Yeah, I mean, I'm not.

I don't want to sit here and like say that it's all their fault.

Like I understand now looking back at it, that was definitely an asshole, annoying kid.

But it's just I mean, it's it was part of my life.

You know.

No, I don't think I don't I don't think you're saying that it's anyone else's fault.

I don't.

I don't even think you should say it's your final I mean, I don't even think fault is like a thing.

It's funny listening to you too.

I'm gonna be honest, like I was probably not that nice of a guy when I was in like middle school, elementary school, maybe even parts of high school, you know, and uh, I I think that just like I don't know, man, being like like that, like what I don't Once you get older and you kind of start to build start to understand that like everyone is the way that they are for some reason that I mean, it's for some reason.

It's like outside of themselves, right, Like you're running around right you know, uh, trying to get attention that you're not getting at home, and it's like, damn, you know, I don't know, man.

That's like when I when I died, I'm like, those are the things, that's the only that's the main thing I'll regret, like times I was like a dick or you know, like yeah, especially like in those younger years when it's like you got like children who have very little empathy just naturally because of the fact that they're kids.

And then uh, you know, other kids who are just trying to fucking figure out how to exist and be be seen in some positive light.

And it's like a recipe for disaster.

Yeah, I agree.

The wait I looked at it now is it's it's basically like I just came to the realization one day, like if I was born into your body, lyle with your parents and your family, I would literally be who you are today.

Yeah, yeah, yes, yeah, I agree.

And it's the craziest It's it's the one of the most existential mysteries that I have can't really wrap my head around, is that I there's no reason why I'm me and you're you, you know, or like I like, I'll or like you said, I I don't know.

I'll walk by someone like living on the street and I'm like, there's no real there's no reason really why I'm me and there them, And you could say, like, I don't know.

This is now we're getting into a conversation about like free will versus determinism, But low key I'm a little with you, dude.

I'm I'm I'm a bit of a determined I'm a It doesn't make me feel good to think about and I don't think and it doesn't make me feel empowered to think about.

But I'm a little deterministic, uh as a treat sometimes, you know what I mean.

I argue what you're saying.

I think, No, I believe in deism, but I think I think it's there's a weird blend of free will and determinism.

It's almost like like you have the you have the ability to make whatever choices you want in life, but there's certain things that I guess you could say were just destined to happen regardless.

Yeah, I want to see.

Sorry, no, no, you go ahead, Like like if I wanted to right now, I could go and I could literally drive across the country and never say anything to anybody again.

But at the end of the day, is it like was that my free will to do it?

Or was I always going to do it?

I just chose to do it today.

Yeah, And then well then you can get into the thing of like, well, whatever way that you were raised in your environment and the the neurons and whatever the I don't want to nern is and why I'm saying it, but whatever the thing is that makes you you you and your personality, Like how much of that ship like like there are certain things within you that are giving you the hesitation to just drop everything and move across the country, or how much of that is your free will versus just you following how you're naturally inclined, Like, uh, that's why I don't like when people say stuff like doing things out of character, because everything everyone does is within their character because they did it, I guess.

But also your character can hold a variety of competing things.

But I kind of tapping into something that I've been thinking about a lot lately, Like I like reading people.

I guess I don't really have.

It's kind of a subconscious thing.

I guess everyone does, but I do it a lot like I read people, And I've come to realize that a lot of people put on a social facade because they don't want to seem quote unquote weird.

But if you like, look at every human being there is, We're we're all fucking weird.

Like we all have weird shit.

We do we it's just some of us are better at hiding it than others.

Kind of a question I've been pondering on lately, like what is normal?

You know, Like we were all raised to act normal, but we were all raised differently too, so we all have different standards of normal.

So by default, by having different standards of normal, we're all kind of weird just in that one idea lit alone by the things we say and do and our normalisms and all that stuff.

I agree with you, No, I think i'bout that shit too.

Somebody, uh, somebody asked me the other day if I think that they're weird, and I told them that I can't really answer that question because I think that I don't really believe in like you're saying, any kind of like objective baseline of normality.

I guess there's like societally, there's like a societally, there's a societal consensus of normality, and I guess you can kinda determine what that societal consensus of normality is and then what breaking away from it would be.

But there's no I don't even think there's like a global sense of normality, right because whatever what's normal in America is not normal in fucking North Korea.

What's normal at your house growing up is different from what's normal a mind like it's there's too many And also we don't we don't live in the consent since we just live in our own fucking world.

So no, I agree with you.

It's weird.

It's one of those it's one of those like an existential thoughts that makes me feel like I can't grasp on to anything, right.

I guess the only the antidote to it seems to me to be to kind of define your own baseline of normality, and maybe that's a little bit where your free will can kick in.

For me, it's like being that recognized that a lot of people put on an act, and I saw it that the way to kind of ground me is just to literally be me and to not really give a fuck about what people think about me.

I mean, obviously I do care about what people think about me on some deep level, but I also have like this switch in my mind where I can go from where I like deeply care in all like like what's the word called like rumin this, I think that's ruminate.

I'll ruminate over a conversation.

But then like once I've reached a certain point with some people or when I realized they're being like extra, I just I can I can shut off that part of my mind.

And it's kind of just like you know, I'm me, and if you don't like me, then that must mean we weren't meant to be friends.

So I hope you have a good life.

Yeah, totally.

And dude and dude people, I've I've thought this my whole fucking life.

Is that people will cling deeply to like societal baselines of normality in terms of how holding to them makes them somehow like objectively better than you, you know, And then they'll kind of like want you to like be at their level, not even consciously, just like while you're talking to someone, like maybe your brain will be like, oh am I cool enough to be with this person because they're like so cool because of this that and the other reason that we've elected is cool or worthy.

You're valid, Like is my existence compared to this person's existence like valid?

You know.

But I've noticed that from where I'm at.

I live in small town, USA, down south.

I didn't I never really noticed it as a kid, but one of my I used to talk to him.

We're not really friends anymore.

He it's an old best random mine.

He comes from like a wealthier family, and he broke you down to me one day, him and a few other people there really is like a class, a social class system, especially with people who were like I guess you want to call them old money.

Like there's people where if you don't, if you're not in their presence with a suit and tie, they automatically look down on you, mm hmm, And it's yeah, that's that's kind of Those are the people I don't play too, Like, I don't.

I couldn't give a ship what they think about me, because they're going to think what they think about me regardless.

Well, yeah, you don't have to.

They don't.

The the the the universe, there's the universe has no like judge, jury and executioner on like validity.

You know, So like if a guy and his friends and whatever have decided that your uh validity or worth is based upon your whether or not you're wearing a fucking suit or whatever, then you know, I mean, God bless I mean, look, God bless them.

Right, can live in their universe and be happy in that universe, and that's their universe, but you don't have to like ruminate on your relation to that universe, you know.

But I think the thing the people are usually only roommate on are people I genuinely care about.

Yeah, of course.

But I guess that's part of the reason why I was common, because I, like, I don't really have that many people I could consider friends here.

Lately, I've got a lot of older people who are you know, we're friends.

But it's not like I can go out and have a couple of drinks with them and go to the beach and hang out.

It's more like I see them on occasion, they get the inspiration, and then we talk every now and then.

Wait, hold on, man, how old are you.

I'm twenty four.

Oh okay, I thought you were like like nineteen or something.

Oh no, said no.

I thought, I guess I was.

I was you.

I was interpreting that you were saying that you can't drink.

No, yeah, no I can't.

I just mean, like, like, I genuinely that the people I have around me that are my age go to a church that I go to, and they it's a part of it's it's kind of when I brought that class system because I noticed it with them, like they come from not a more fortunate like not like rich household, but a more fortunate household than me.

I guess the way I could put it is like preppy, white kids, Like they act nice to my face, but I can read it, like I can read from their body the whole time.

They're just talking to me to be polite.

And I've I've noticed that with a lot of people my age as well.

There's some who kind of stand out.

But I feel like my honesty kind of drows those people away because I can be I'm trying to hold it back now, but I could be a pretty fucking open book with people, and I know it makes them uncomfortable.

Okay, So when you say your honestly drives people away, what I mean, what does that?

How does that play out?

What does that look like?

Like we'll sit there and talk and you know, they'll tell me about some issues that they've had, and I, you know, we'll talk about it, and then I'll bring up some issues I've had and it's I don't know, it's it feels like they don't know how to talk to me because they think that I think differently than them because I came from a different background than them.

Like I'm trying to remember a conversation I had with this guy one time.

But the the theme of the conversation was basically, yeah, you've had a harder life that must stuck then, and he was like, in a way apologizing that he still lived with his family.

I don't know if that makes any sense, but I mean, I live on my own.

I've been living on my own since eighteen.

But you mean like he felt he felt like guilty here, yeah, yeh yeah yeah, Okay, that's a good way of putting it.

Okay, I think there's that, and plus my eighty HDA can to take over and like I could say, like one example was with a guy who I guess we're still considered friends, but more so friends that he talked to every four or five months.

He introduced me to his girlfriend, and he made the mistake of saying, bro, don't worry how you talk around her.

You know, he's a teacher.

She's like one of the bros.

And so you know, I was talking to her like she was one of the bros.

And ever since then, I you know, it went from me and him talking every month and him going out with me to he'll stop by and say hello every now and then.

What were you What were you saying?

What were you saying?

Uh?

Where You're like, okay, yeah, she's one of the bros.

We can just like, what were you saying?

Well, me and him were running around their golf cart in our town one day, and there's this specific alley in my town where I've lived a lot of crazy fucking parts of my life, and one in particular.

Just tell me if I need to stop, because I don't know if it's appropriate or not, but I was.

Let's just say, I was over at my stepmom's friend's house and this random lady comes in, and after she comes in, my stepmom and her friend go to the store.

Let her go walk into the store, and within five minutes of meeting the lady, she is giving me oral sex on the couch of my stepmam's friends.

But I told, I told it, you know, I told him and his girl that while we're going down the road, and I was sing it because it makes me laugh when I think about it, because it's it's fucking crazy like that whole situation.

Wait, hold on, okay, all right, all right, I'm gonna put a I'm truly going to put a pen in the girlfriend's response to this story.

But first of all, I don't understand this story.

Okay, as far as I'm as far as I know, this story is a random lady comes into your house and gives you a blowjob.

Okay, I moved.

I'm gonna kind of I'm trying to be quick, but I start from ground zero.

I had to move to Florida for a little bit, and I moved back from and within two days I'm moving up.

My dad and my stepmom got into this huge argument.

It was like physical and all that.

I had to call the cops on them.

He ended up leaving and I didn't want to stay at the house because I was tired of his bullshit.

So I went with my step mom and we went to her friend's house.

And it was like the second day I was there.

I had smoked weed for the first time in like two years, and we're hanging out out of nowhere.

You know.

We're at my stepmom's friend's house, all right.

Their friend comes over and starts talking with them and says a bunch of stuff.

But my stepmom and her friend who owns the house, went to go to the gas station.

Okay, so your stepmom's friend's friend is over and you're staying over at the stepmom's friend's house.

R Okay, So.

When they go to the gas station, It's just me and this lady who just walked in, so I've never met before in my life.

We're watching TV and she goes on her Facebook and pulls up a photo of a younger version of her.

Give him one.

I'm high, like hi, shit, like I ain't smoke weed in years.

That's first like high as fucked.

She she shows me the picture, She's like, don't you think she's cute?

And you know I wasn't.

I mean, what the fuck el was am I supposed to say?

I said, yeah, she's cute.

One thing led to another brother and her.

This lady just randomly is giving like what like what happened afterwards?

So she shold me her thing on her Facebook.

It was a younger picture of her.

If she told me it was her, and then all the blue she was like if she asked me if I was still a virgin, and I said, yeah I was, because I was like I was like sixteen at the time.

Oh Jesus, and uh, one thing lets her another.

She takes off her bro and and you know he tried to she well, I mean you tried to commit oral sex on me, except that was so high I couldn't even get hard.

So after like two minutes of her trying, I just went into the other room where she just fucking left.

Dude, Jesus christ Man, how old was this lady?

He told me she had a nine year old daughter.

I think she was at least like forty or fifty.

Jesus christ What was that the last time you ever saw this lady?

No, the last time I saw her.

She was riding the bicycle through town.

Did you did you say?

Hi?

Was so fucking weird to me, Like, you know, in the moment, you know we're back, dude, you know, and you're in the moment, you sitting there trying to get what you can whenever post nut clarity comes later, What the fuck was that?

Okay?

Okay, okay, Chris, right, yeah, okay, See, so uh basically, so basically basically, you're hanging out with your friend and his girlfriend.

You just tell her a story about you getting molested then and then she's like, I don't want to talk to this guy anymore.

Well, she looking back on it, I didn't normal about it because she the way the way my friend explained it to me is that she's a teacher.

She's heard a lot of crazy shit and we were just riding around.

I was like, you know, I've got a bunch of stories down this alley.

Y'all want to go down, we can.

I'll tell you all some of them.

I told him that, and all I know she acted normal about it.

All I know is after that day, I've seen the guds twice in over a year.

Okay, all right, Jesus Christ.

Yeah, that's just here's the other one in that same house at when I was sixteen.

I never did it, never will do it.

Never.

Ever, my stepma's friend showed me how to smoke crack off of a coke can, and that shame fucking house.

Was it the same it?

Was it the same fucking lady?

No, it wasn't.

It wasn't the lady who tried to It was her friend who owned the house.

I guess was written it at the time.

Yeah, all right, No, they.

Were so wait, did you did you did you smoke the crack?

No?

No, no, no, never my dad.

So I'm known since thirteen that my dad smokes or used to smoke mys And so I told myself, like, if it comes in the shape of a rock, I'm not fucking with it, all right, Like I'll smoke weed, I'll drink, I'll know, I'll fucking eat mushrooms, but I'm not doing any of that.

Ship mm hmmm mm hmm, so hmm.

Okay, So, so you told your friends that story and sole Sally, you're having a heart Do you having a hard time just like making friends?

Let's get back to that.

Yeah, do you think go ahead?

Go ahead?

I think it's because I think there's a mixture of it.

But I think a lot of people don't know how to read me.

At first, I don't because I have really bad rest and fish face.

But I recognize that people get to know me, they actually enjoy my presence, but there's some kind of disconnect, at least with people my age.

Like I get along really well with people older than me, and I've been told that I'm the quote unquote old soul and all that shit.

But me, that's cool and all that.

I want to I'd like to connect with people my age, But I guess there's also the social anxiety part of me that doesn't really know how to.

Because I didn't really like in the government I grew up in.

I didn't even want to bring friends over because I didn't want them to see, I didn't want them to see my dad's house filled with roaches and rats and drugs and shit.

And I didn't want them to see my mom's house where I was constantly being yelled at and literally called fat ass every day of my life.

Like so I just kind of self isolated as a kid, Like I would talk to people at school and like they would tell me that they would tell me that they want me to come over and hang out, and then they call all the plans and all that.

But whenever the time would come and I try to call them the day of, they would just ignore me, like over and over and over again.

And I guess I don't know if that's like subconsciously passed down to me now, but I find it difficult to put myself out there to really anybody.

Hm hmmmm.

Like again, I could be really honest with people, like I'll use myself as an open book.

I learned with age try to dial that back a little bit.

But when I say put myself out there, I guess like be emotionally vulnerable and suggest to the other person, like, hey, we should be friends.

Like I don't really know why, but it kind of a daunting ideas to.

Me, Well, I mean, I got a few thoughts on that, is, uh, I think at you go to church, right, yeah, Okay, you're a man of God.

You're a man of God.

Well, you're a man of God, but you're also an admittedly peculiar gentleman with admittedly peculiar sense of humor and sense of thought, which I think are good things to have.

Is it that the reason I ask about church is because, I mean, friendships are in some ways mechanical in the sense that they're just like exposure over time.

So like the people that you're regularly seeing at church every Sunday or or more.

If you're, uh, if you're going the regularly, like do you have you not found anyone there that you sort of like naturally connect with.

The two people I naturally connect with one is like eighty and the other is like fifty five.

Mm hmm, wait eighty and fifty five.

Yeah.

Wow, Okay.

I go to ton of a smaller church, and I've actually I've really been considering moving churches.

I'm probably going to soon, but I just noticed, at least in my church, all the college age kids who are around my age or it's it's like, you know, at a church, You're supposed to be a family.

When I'm around them, I feel like I'm more of a family friend than a family mm hmm.

Like it's it's kind of like they don't miss me in my absence, but they'll say, hey, Chris, we missed your last Sunday and that'll be it.

Mm hmm.

Okay, tell me more about just your life, Chris, Like what do you what do you?

What do you do?

Like if you go to school?

Do you work?

Hm?

I work for a contracting company.

I'm a team lead for it.

It's basically a symbol like furniture and grills and all that for Loew's and home depots.

Mm hmm.

It's pretty good money.

It keeps me busy all the time.

And when I'm not doing that, I'm djan DJ.

Yeah.

I don't know if you remember, but I'm not.

I'm the guy who called a few months back about I don't know you talked a lot.

Of people, but oh oh, I didn't realize we talked before.

Yeah, we we have.

I'm a guy who almost died on acid.

If that rings any bills, uh, it's not.

I wouldn't worry about it.

Huh.

I feel like maybe I've tibe, maybe I've unfortunately talked to too many people who have almost died on acid.

But I'm glad to be talking to you now.

Okay, you DJ, so I have so well.

Actually, you know what is uh, I mean a few things right, is you're already doing a lot of things that get you out into the universe.

You know, you're not like, uh, you're not a basement dweller.

You spend a lot of time in person around other people.

Well, I do wan dej, but at my full time job, I'm mainly just in the back room by myself.

Like I listened to podcasts and music all day.

That's kind of how I got into your podcast because I got tired of listening to Joe Rogan so I just went on YouTube and yours came up.

And you know, it's just a little side note.

I appreciate what you do, man, because like some of the guests you had on have made me feel really fucking normal.

There's a weird baseline there, but it's helped me realize a lot of shit I think of is not you know that weird, but I mean it is difficult because again, you know, I'm in the back room, and I've got headphones on all day and there's just the only time people talk to me is if they need something out of me.

Now, there's not really a lot of at work finter, mostly because I can't even really afford to.

I get paid by the piece, So anytime I spend not working is it's time I'm losing money.

Do you feel are you like one of those kind of like uh uh, proud lone wolf guys, or do you like feel lonely and long for connection?

I used to be like that, but I long for connection.

I do I feel like deep down everybody does.

I mean we're social creatures by nature.

Yeah, something I think about a lot.

I guess it's kind of in comparison to that idea is like, even when we're born a woman.

I'm sure it's been done before, but it's preferably that whenever a woman's given birth, there's at least one other person there.

You know, modern America, there's a team of people there because yea even be born, you know, it's kind of preferred that you have other people.

It takes a village for real.

And something that really reinforced that thought for me was on that night that I did almost dive acid.

I had this weird visual.

Let's just say I took twelve times to recommend amount of dose acid.

I took I regular tabs one hundred micrograms.

I took around twelve hundred microgrounds of liquid LSD at one time.

And during that whole experience, I had the vision that I was in outer space and I could go anywhere I wanted in the universe.

And I remember thinking like, this is so cool, it's so amazing.

And I went to turn to tell whoever I thought was next to me, like can you believe it?

And when I turned, no one was there.

And when no one was there, I realized like I could have everything I wanted.

So if I don't have anyone to share it with, what's the fucking point?

Yeah?

One hundred percent, man, one hundred percent.

So your whole thing I okay, So let's go back to this whole thing of like you feel like you only get along well with older people, Like you have an eighty year old your best friends are eighty and fifty five and you're twenty four.

Is that accurate?

Well, I mean kind of my best My best friend right now is probably he's sixty one.

He's my boss too, So if you consider him a friend, mm hmm.

I mean I did used to have a friend group that was in my age.

We've met, like we became a group my senior year, but it it kind of just fell apart with Tom, Like one of the guys ended up leaving and getting married.

Everyone like three or four of them just stopped talking to us, and it eventually boiled down to me and this dude.

I still consider it like a brother, but he's not the same person anymore.

And I guess I'm not either.

And he's kind of a covert narcissist, I'm sure, or I hope you do.

You know what that is?

Yeah?

Sure?

What makes you say he turned into that?

Well, I think he was.

I think he was like that all along.

It just took me years to realize, but I realized that whenever we talk it it's always about him.

Yeah.

Like he would constantly talk about things he did or social dynamics in his household, and I would go along with like, yeah, that's cool, man, that's cool, and it'd be a little pause and then I call him one day or I would say, you know, I made a thousand dollars and eight hours today, bro, And he wouldn't even say, oh, that's cool.

He wouldn't even acknowledge it.

He would just go in the like go and be proud about something else he did.

And it boiled down to like when we get when we get into arguments as friends.

You know, we were friends for years and friends will do that.

Through the years, the arguments went from you know, it was basically like if I ever tried to argue with him, I was the gas lader and I was trying to manipulate him.

So the last time we talked, we were playing Rocket League, and so I hit the ball backwards and then he instinctively hit the ball again and it went into the net.

And after he hit the ball into the net, he started literally screaming at me, screaming at me, and I was like, I was like, dude, I might have hit the ball backwards, but you hit it in the net.

Like, it's not my fault.

You hit in the neck.

And he just went off and was like, no, I'm tired of you always saying that I'm never right.

Your gas slighted me about this.

You know, it's your a fault.

I just I was in a three year relationship with my ex fiancee, and she would do that same shit to me.

So whenever, whenever he started doing it, I actually went into chat GBT and I like put in our whole conversation and I asked chat GBT like am I gas lighting?

Like am I doing this?

And I'm just not even aware of it?

And I mean it told me that, see, what he's doing is the textbook definition of fucking gaslight.

And it's like, whenever you're wrong, you don't admit you're wrong, you admit someone else is wrong, and you can't be you can't be wrong.

And so long story short, I went off on him.

I told him that, you know, he needs to get over his fucking self and if he wants to be my friend, he's got to cut the ship.

And then he threatened to walk out of my life forever and all this shit, and so I told him, that's what you want to do.

I'd rather be fucking happy and alone than deal with your bullshit all the time.

And yeah, that was That was the last time I talked so well, one on one at least.

So, what's your what's your dating history?

Like you said you had a fiance.

Just to be told I've I've been in maybe three quote unquote serious relationships.

That's a lot of connections.

Yeah, I guess, I don't know.

I mean, uh yeah, no, no, go ahead, go ahead and run me down.

Well, the first one was whenever I was like eleven, okay, and I think quote unquote serious because we were like best friends, so we never hugged and kissed or nothing like that.

We talked each other boyfriend or girlfriend.

Tell me this is not another adults, it's not.

She was older than me, but only by a year.

All right, Good, that'd be kind of fucked if it was, though, it wouldn't it.

Okay, okay, all right, so yeah, go ahead.

All right, So there was the girl when you were eleven, and I get I get why that doesn't really count to you.

So yeah, keep keep continue to run down.

Well, the next one was an online relationship and that ended because like he was in a she was in like a cult Christian religion, like it's based on Christianity, but it's very culty, like women aren't supposed to wear pants, men are, We're supposed to wear shorts, type of cult type stuff.

And she was afraid to tell her dad about me, and her, so we could never go on dates or anything, so I should broke it off with her.

And then after her, well, shit, I couldn't.

This one wasn't really a serious relationship.

But after her, I got a text message from a chick.

Me and her took each other's virginity.

I got caught in her dad's bed one day and she moved from Southeast Georgia to fucking Seattle, Washington within a week.

Yeah, that was a mind fuck.

The last relationship I was zoon was with my fiance.

I've known her since I was sixteen or fifteen, but we got together whenever I was seventeen, and we actually lived together and one bedroom, one bad house with no living room.

Anytime we were home, we were literally in the same bed all day.

I don't know.

After after three years, I realized that I didn't really like her, and then STREET be told I was in a sense, I was just kind of using her to get out of my dad's house, and it really messed me up.

And when I realized that I it was actually one accid.

When I realized that it was my first ego desk, I realized that I was using her, and I was like, didn't really give a shit about how she felt.

So that changed my whole perspective on the relationship, and I decided to actually love her and like dedicate myself to her as best as I could.

But as time went on, I just I realized that it's better for me to not even be in a relationship with someone if I don't.

We just didn't click after a while.

And it's kind of interesting because so my sister had a baby shower and she never showed up to it, and when she did, I started filming.

The relationship really fall apart.

And so I actually said a prayer to God, I mean just about verbatim, and I said, God, I want a career in music, whatever that ends up being, and I want a loving wife who wants to have kids with me and will die with me.

I said, if that means that this girl has got to go, then so be it.

And about three or four days later, I get home from work and all her shits out of our apartment.

Hmm.

And two years later I get I get this job djaying.

But you know, after the relationship end it ended.

I decided that I was going to spend the three years I took away from her and spend it being single.

And so, uh, I was celibate for three years.

Huh and those three years ended back back in October, and so now I'm I'm kind of out in the market for that.

And back in October, was this kind of like a one night stand thing or was this a lady you had?

You know, at least some I didn't have to be uh you know you're fucking uh No, someone you had some form of, like, you know, deeper connection with.

No, it didn't end it because of a girl.

I just it was literally, like I said, a time frame.

I guess technically you could say I still am sole it.

But I told myself I wasn't going to go out looking for women or do anything.

But I was basically going to invest that time and on myself for three years.

Oh okay, okay, so it was the end of Okay back in October is when you you didn't have sex with someone, you were just you just you just were like, uh, I am declaring myself market I'm declaring my penis open for business.

There you go, Okay, and what does that.

Look like for you?

Where are you going out?

Are you on apps?

Yeah?

I'm on tender and Christian mingle and Facebook dating.

It's kind of funny though, because I downloaded all those and like two or three weeks ago, I was at a gig.

I was actually doing a Christmas party for home Depots, doing my thing, and towards the end of my set, this waitress sends her friend over and her friend says that the waitress thinks I look cute, which is, I mean, a fucking first for me.

But this girl was like gorgeous, like beautiful.

I couldn't believe it.

Like I thought I looked ugly as shit going in there.

I couldn't believe that she thought I was.

Yeah, so I got her number and all that, and I even gave her a hug by the end of the night and get it, like she wanted to get to know me, and till the next day where she just fucking left me on red for like three days straight.

Yeah you can't.

Yeah, yeah you can't.

And I've learned this in my own uh uh dating endeavors, because I get like that, I fall.

I think I fall pretty quick.

You know, you can you really you can't.

You You either can't get too emotionally invested too deeply fast, And I mean like you know, first meet, first date kind of fast, you know what I mean, Or you can, but but you know, you got to accept that you uh, you might get left on a red And also you can't I mean, you can't be upset with it, right, I mean, if you meet somebody once, it's like you're a stranger to them, you know, like they don't uh, you know, you got to accept your role in their life as a as a stranger ultimately.

Of course, sure, Like I even it's it's kind of funny because after the giggle was over, before I left, I actually set him know the prayer to God, and I was like, you know, I don't want to waste my time if this is if this is the girl you got in mind for me, and let me know soon.

And if it's not, no, I say, if this girl of mine you've got a mind for me, let me know.

If it's not, let me know soon.

And I mean I was, I was notified pretty quickly.

But don't it didn't I understand, Like it didn't mess me up when it happened, but it wasn't really about her, Like I'm over it now, Like I could give a fuck about her at this point she's a stranger again.

But and at that time, the way she did it, it was like it almost like sent my nervous system into a flashback to all those other times I was rejected as a kid, and it.

Yeah, I'm sure.

I mean it fucked me up for a good day, Like it had me crying, but it wasn't.

I wasn't even crying about her.

I was like crying about this the emotional state I was in.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that'll do that.

That'll do that.

I'll send you on a kind of an emotional roller coaster.

And yeah, you're not even like upset about like this lady specifically, You're just kind of like, damn, why am I on this?

Uh?

I don't like being on this train?

You know.

It kind of yeah, harkens you back to like you could be, fucking man, I could be.

You could be you could be a full fledged adult and have some form of rejection that makes you feel like you're in like middle school again.

Really, I mean absolutely, dude, It's like it put me right back in that place.

Yeah, And like it's support of all of me is because I try to I like to think of myself as the logical person and all that, But whenever emotions like that, almost like all logic leads a fucking window, and it's just kind of a you know, you just kind of got to go with your nervous system.

Let me tell you the let me tell you the great.

Well, I don't know if it's so great, but uh powerful maybe uh realization I have learned in my life over and over and over again, and I'm sure you have too.

I'm sure a lot of people listening to this have uh made this realization over and over again.

The nervous system of the body does not respond to logic.

You can like it just doesn't respond to logic, right, You could be like you can try to like logic yourself out of like emotional pain or or even like or like convince yourself you don't care about something or someone, convince yourself that you're that you're gonna feel a certain way in a certain situation, or you're not gonna feel a certain way in a certain certain situation, and you can you can logically decide that you shouldn't feel a certain way and all this and the other thing, and your fucking central nervous system is gonna do whatever's gonna do.

Anyway, it doesn't give a fuck about your logic, you know.

Yeah, for real, it's kind of crazy.

I have two more things for you before we go.

One.

I do have to know what's going on on Christian Mingle.

What's the vibe, what's happening?

What?

Who are these people?

What are the people like?

What?

Oh?

What's going on?

What?

Does I just want the rundown on Christian Mingle.

It's I don't like it.

You get like five likes and they push a subscription on it, and normally that it's to put it nice.

The females on there are not my type.

Who's your type?

I don't want to sound shallow, but like pretty females, I don't.

I don't think you're alone and wanting to be physically attracted to the person you want your partner to be.

Yeah, I mean it's I guess there's also like an emotional it's mhm okay.

The way I kind of put is like, you could be a ten out of ten, but if if you're emotionally a three, you are automatically a three in my head.

So I guess I'm looking for the needle in the haystack that's at least to me the attractive ten out of ten and a minimum emotional eight out of tea.

I think that I I think that's what everyone wants.

I think I think everyone wants somebody that they're physically but you know, men and women.

I think everyone wants somebody that they're uh physically attracted to and like as a person.

I don't think that that's a I don't think that's a niche desire by any means.

You would be surprised, mister kick me would be surprised.

I met a lot of I've met a lot of men who are like they don't care if they just want what they can get.

They don't care about anything but looks.

I've met a lot.

Of people like that, they don't care about anything but looks.

Right.

Mm hmmm.

It's like I'm trying not to I'm trying not to be shallow.

I'm trying to think of a PC way of putting it.

But like, so forgive me.

But I mean the girl could be damage rocks and like cheat on the god, but he won't care because he's a ten out of ten that he can go in like boast about to hall his buddies.

Yeah, I try to avoid people like that, but unfortunately with my line of work, I run into a few of them.

Okay, I have a weird question.

Is there anyone on because, like you know, on all these on all the dating apps, you can kind of like write like what you're looking for?

Right?

Is there anyone?

Have you ever come across a profile on Christian Mingle where it's like, I'm actually not looking for marriage, I want a casual hookup situation, but I want them to be Christian.

I'm not sure there probably is.

It wouldn't surprise.

Like ause I would, because that's the kind of website where I'm like, I don't know, could you even put that as an option?

Could you even put like figuring out your dating goals or whatever?

Whatever the Christian Mingle version of that is.

I guess that kind of makes that I could see why that would be appealing to someone.

I think there is, it's just for me, Like, I don't know, I truth be told, I've kind of just stopped reading bios because I realized, you at least I'm wasting my time doing it, like I'm just gonna dislike the girls I don't find attractive and like the ones I do.

And on the fucking two percent chance they like me back.

I'll assess the situation then.

Anyway, Uh okay, My second thing, my last thing is I'd like to leave this conversation with some kind of you know, Chris, listen, Chris, I think you're a I think you're a nice guy.

I think you're at chill dune.

I think I think you're a smart guy.

I think you, uh, clearly have values.

I think that you're you know, deep thinker, and you got a lot of great qualities my friends, and I want to I just want to I don't know, I don't know, maybe a last minute brainstorm of some kind as to uh, like what could you do?

You just gotta I think making And we've talked about this to to death on this show, but you know, making friends again, it's just like exposure over time, right, So, like, can you think of any thing outside of your normal day to day routine that you could start to regularly invest yourself in.

I mean music's a great one, as like, cause I don't and what what what town?

What city do you live in?

You know, if it's like a small one, you just you know, you have to give me the longitude latitude.

But like where you're near.

I'm about I think I'm like a good hour and a half from making Georgia.

Okay, are you like, are you like middle of nowhere at Georgia.

I'm fucking I'm in the deep South where they sit here and thought light latest brothers?

All Right, is there any is there any hope or chance or even the desire or you know, I know money's tight, but is there any any anything of you getting out of there?

There?

There is, It's just with my DJing work, it's all based out of the town I live in, and I like, I'm not an independent DJ.

I work for a guy who's been doing it for over forty years, and he actually gets the gigs for me.

It's kind of ironic because I spent my whole childhood telling myself that when I turn eighteen, I'm getting the fuck out of Georgia.

But I'm kind of at this situation now where I like to think of it as I'm in bating, like I'm getting as much knowledge as I can in this business so that you know when the time comes, Like he's my boss is sixty one right now, so I figured ten fifteen years from now, whenever he retires I'm probably gonna move.

I think my next move would be like Savannah, Georgia.

Okay, because here's the thing.

If you want to start building a robust social life of some kind, you got to go where the people are.

And it doesn't it just sounds like you're naturally not around that many people.

Yeah I'm not.

And again a big issue with that.

It's just my full time job.

Yeah.

Even if I were to move to Savannah but still worked the full time job, I would kind of be isolated.

Still.

That's why you know, I've got my hope in DJing.

I've I'm very self critical, so I don't really believe it, but I get told over and over again.

Then I'm a good DJ, and you know, people tip me and pay for overtime.

So I guess.

I guess when I'm down here, I need to really work on like I need.

I need to work on building like a social network.

It's it's it's fucking complicated because I don't know.

I don't know, man, Like I want to make more friends than I would like to be.

I'd like to work.

I'd like to DJ full time for the rest of my life.

But you know, that's where it comes into networking and knowing a lot of people.

Mm hmmmm.

Well, I mean, look, I'll say this because only only you know your situation.

I'm not going to tell you to quit your job or whatever and run away from home, but I'll say that.

I'll say this, Chris, I think you're I think you're a nice student.

I think that what's between in my eyes, what's between you and making friends and whatnot, is again just like the fact that you're just not naturally exposed to that many people by nature of your life.

You know, I'm not, uh, and I and I and I I guess I.

I I hope that you through whatever means exist within your existence and UH hope, I don't know, maybe you find the inspiration to create those means.

Should should we move away from both of our unhealthy obsession with determinism?

Uh?

I hope you find or create some kind of means to like build some life for yourself where you're you're just naturally around more people because I don't from talking to you.

And trust me, we've had people on this show before that I've talked to and I'm like, I can understand with no judgment, of course, but I can understand why people might have a hard time being around this person and you don't.

I've been talking for an hour.

I don't strike you as you know, a tough guy to be around.

So for you, I think it's it's again just gonna be about like building a life where you're naturally around more people.

However you can do that.

And I was like keeping an open mind, right because again, you you walk around if you walk around being like, oh I don't get along with other people my age, it's like, well you you might miss you might miss something.

Because also, people don't give you everything all.

That's another thing I've learned as I try to make more connections in my life is that people don't give you everything all at once.

So if you're having a converse with someone and this is a fucking guy, I was.

I I work out of this coworking space where I edit, and uh, this is a guy there.

And the first time I met him, I was I hated him.

I was like, this is and I didn't hate him, but I was like, oh, this is like a normy, boring, like tech guy.

Like I don't want to fucking talk to this guy as we have no nothing in common whatever.

And then one night, like I just I actually really I was like kind of put all of that aside and I like decided to like really engage with him, and uh we had a we had a really great conversation and we connected over a bunch of different things that I didn't even think, uh we would be able to talk about because I was being so uh preemptive beforehand.

So you know, uh not everyone never everyone know yeah, no, no, no one's gonna give you everything all at once, So you know, try to try to naturally be around more people and try to keep in mind that they're not gonna reveal themselves to you completely off the bat, and so you got to keep somewhat of an open mind.

And that's the that's the that's the that's the that's the therapy Gecko.

That that's that's as much therapy Gecko as this as the ninety one grams of caffeine in this diet Mountain dew will will allow me to provide for you today.

Chris, Well, I appreciate your telling, mister Gek, and I'll definitely he definitely gave me some good advice there, like putting myself around more people more and kind of understanding that they you know what I took from it, it's basically like they're not you know, like you said, they're not gonna give you their full cells all at once.

It's almost that they kind of have to get to trust you and then trust themselves around you in order for them to really open up.

And also, you told me this whole thing about you being an open book and how you feel like that's a bad thing.

But I don't know, man, You're like the environment, the environment you're in sounds like, and I don't want to be too judgmental, but the environment you're in sounds like there's not a strong enough of a sample size a variety of people for you to make those assumptions about yourself that being kind of vulnerable or putting yourself out there is inherently bad.

Yeah, I agree with that.

Like, what I guess my issue is is that I kind of dive head in head first.

Are used to Now it's not that I'm not honest, is that I kind of lit out a little bit my little pieces because I've I just I've had a situation where someone has tried to use that against.

Me, So you know, yeah, that'll have Yeah, that's that's that's that's what.

That's what when you put yourself out that's why.

Yeah, that's why that'll happen if you if you put yourself out there and you trust people and you're vulnerable with people, they will use that against you.

Like you it it's inherent.

But part of being a person that does that is like is like accepting it as like you know, the tax.

It's unfortunate, but it's it's kind of like a tax.

So to say to me sometimes to say like, oh, I don't want to put myself out there because people will use it against me, it's like it's like it's like saying I don't want to I think I'm stealing this from someone.

But it's like saying I don't want to jump off a diving board and because I'll fall in that pool and get wets.

You know, it's like that's part of the thing.

Well, like I don't want to get in the car.

I don't want to get in a car because I might get in a car accidents.

You know.

Yeah, well I think I agree with you.

Oh what I'm gonna take from this because I know it's been a while, it's all right, what I'm gonna do.

Since I wear headphones a lot, I'm gonna try to take them off more and like instead of instead of eating lunch by myself, I'll just go into the bark room and like, you know, try to interact with people.

It's a good idea.

Man.

I appreciate you, Tom, mister Gek.

I hope you have a blessing that.

Hey you too, man, God bless you, sir.

You take care of Chris.

I appreciate you.

Yea, sir, you do the same.

That was Chris.

I liked Chris.

Chris was a nice guy, sweet boy.

Interesting lore of a person.

Uh But I don't know a deep a deep a deep, a deep thinker, a sensitive soul who like like all of us, just wants to find their purpose in life and connect with others.

And I think he'll do it, you know, I think he'll do it.

What kind of djaying gigs is he doing though in the Deep South?

Like?

What like?

What is he dj like?

Is he he's not doing bar Mitzvah's there's no there's he's not doing that.

Is he like playing like sweet sixty to like church gigs?

I guess there's no because he's not he's not like at like a Berlin Uban you know, crazy E d M dance club, or maybe he is.

I don't know.

Maybe there's a big techno scene in southern Georgia.

Hello.

Yeah, hey there, what's up man?

What's your name?

I'm Rocky, like Rocky.

Nice to meet you, Rocky.

What's going on with you?

Uh?

Well?

I won eleven thousand dollars in a lottery about two to three weeks ago, and my wife of about eight to nine years ago or sorry sorry, my wife of eight to nine years she kind of spent all the money and then left me.

So it's been a really tough Christmas h kind of coming up and everything.

You know, she spent all the money and left you.

Yeah, she bought Christmas presents for her whole family and then decided she didn't want anything to do with me anymore.

So she had kind of a mental breakdown after and then went to a crisis intervention unit.

And I did my best to try and be there for her as I could be during that time, and she blocked me on everything after and I haven't heard from her since.

You know, mm, is this something that like like like are you is this something where you're like, Okay, this kind of tracks like she's done something like this before, or you're like, this is totally out of the.

Blue with this much money, it's kind of out of the blue.

But throughout our relationship, she's always had issues.

She struggles with DPD, you know, different.

She has like.

Schizophrenia and stuff too, So that's kind of always been an issue, and it's I understand it's kind of my fault for choosing to be with her through the ups and downs, but yeah, it's kind of always been an issue.

Mm hm.

Well and when it's been an issue, how has it usually been resolved in the past.

That's a really good question.

Usually she kind of ends up just kind of taking off somewhere and eventually she will come back.

But this time it's kind of different, you know, like blocking me on everything and and just not wanting anything to do with me.

Yeah, kind of a shame.

We don't have any kids or anything, so that makes it easier, but we do have six cats, so that's kind of a lot of animals for one person.

You know, where what's wh where are the cats?

Oh?

They live with me in my house here.

Yeah, So it's just kind of been our own little family, and I know this is the last call and everything, so I don't want it to be too depressing.

But I've been sleeping on the couch for the last week or two and haven't really been able to do anything.

So it's just kind of been it's been rough.

How does it?

How does it okay?

So she said she's done this kind of shit before, like how do you normally?

Like, I'll ask kind of a different version of the same question, like how do you normally respond to it?

In the past, I don't cope.

Well, I struggle with my own mental illness.

I have PTSD, and I just kind of shut down and I sit on the couch or lay down and I will won't eat, hardly drink, and I will just cope by full of anxiety for days, you know, which isn't healthy.

But everything I try to do to bring me any bit of happiness just doesn't work.

I used to make YouTube videos to try and kind of bring some joy to my life, but unfortunately that didn't pan out.

So I just kind of move going to other things, and now it just kind of feels like really nothing brings me joy anymore.

Unfortunately, what was the last thing that did bring you joy.

The last thing that did.

Yeah, it's a good question.

It's been a while, man, besides you know, just seeing a smile on my wife's face.

It's it's been little things here and there to bring joy.

I suppose, like when the cat comes up to me it starts purring, or when I do eventually get into a game that I really enjoy, uh, sometimes final bring some joy.

So you so this has happened a bunch of times, like where your wife has kind of like gone off the deep end a little bit and and kind of pushed you away, and and there's been like a breakup.

H Yeah, and how long does that?

How long does that typically last?

For it can last anywhere from a week to about two or three.

Yeah, and how long has it been?

You said.

Right now, it's it's been like a week or two.

And this is then this just happens all the time, Like she's just always like kind of falling off the deep end and like leave them without a trace.

And then like what does she like how does it like does she like come back?

Do you go to her?

Like what has this normally been playing out?

She does come back?

But that's kind of well, unless I don't reach out or anything, which I've tried, but again, this is kind of the first time she's like completely blocked me on everything, so I haven't been able to reach out.

But it's it's interesting.

When things are good, they're great, they're amazing, and I couldn't be happier.

Yeah, and they're not always like this.

It happens usually around July or Christmas time.

I don't know if it has anything to do with things she's been through in her past, but I try to be as accepting as possible, you know, But when I have my family telling me like, hey, you know, you need to you need to stand up for yourself, and in all this, my friends telling me like it's your fault for allowing her to use you like this, I understand that.

But at the same time, when I married my wife, it was like, well, I married her for a purpose and to for better or worse.

You know.

I get you, man, Oh yeah, no, I get you.

Yeah.

I mean that's the that's the secret sauce of the toxic relationships is like it's like fuck, when it's good, it's like so good, and like, you know, your friends will say this and your families say this, but they don't understand it's so fucking good, you know.

But I guess you know.

Also your friends and your family, they have the the the pros and cons you're you when it comes to a toxic relationship.

The perspective of your friends and family have the same exact pros and cons, which is that they don't know what you know, or rather no, not that, rather they don't have your perspective, so they don't see the good things right.

But also and they don't see the good things right and you and you can, you can, you can go there and you feel that way and go there and understand.

But they also aren't so emotionally invested in ships that they're completely blind to the jew or to the fucking bad things, you know.

And also these are people who really know you and love you and like care about you, and they and also like they're not these these they're also always there, you know, your mom and your friends and your whatever.

Like they're not cutting you off and bringing you back, like they're they're there when you need them.

I assume, I assume you're seem like a guy, you got you know, a good solid spar systems.

So these are people you can trust.

I appreciate it in a way.

These are people that that I think you can trust.

Yeah, do you how come?

How come it sounds like you're spending a lot of time alone, are you?

Are you like getting together with these folks.

No?

Actually, my main friend group kind of cut me off because I had to keep canceling plans because of my wife and then my family.

Well, they're busy with other things right now.

You know.

I try to get them to spend time with me and stuff, but they're often like my dad, he works from I think it's like he gets up at one am and then he doesn't go home until like six to seven pm.

You know, my mom's because he went taking care of my nieces and nephews.

So it's kind of been a struggle there.

I don't have transportation.

My wife took the car, so it's kind of been a struggle kind of being at the house alone with all the cats and everything.

But h I appreciate it.

I just I really reached out, really needed someone to talk to, and I've tried the crisis lines and stuff, and unfortunately they don't really want to sit there and talk with you, you know, they just want to like get you somewhere.

Mmm, you say your friend, You said your friend's cut you off.

Okay, so your friend, so let me see your friends cut you off because they were like, we don't want to deal with the things going on with your wife and shit.

And then now that she's gone again, are they are they?

Because I like, because I assume this has happened before where you're like, she's gone and then you come back and then now is it like a do they view you as like a boy that cried wolf kind of a thing?

Exactly?

And there's really no I can do about that, you know, like if my wife wants to be with me often, if not, I understand, you know.

But my friends see it a different way.

They're like, well, we're kind of tired of dealing with this and you're not dealing with it, so we just don't want anything to do with you anymore.

Which I can't blame them, you know, if I had a friend that I kept trying to help and they wouldn't help themselves either, Like it makes sense.

But again, like you said, they don't see the same perspective that I have.

You know, they don't.

But you got to remember the other You gotta remember the other side of that coin.

You know, you don't see the perspective that they have.

Uh, by the way, I do think it's I do think it's I do.

I do think it's fucked up for them to completely cut you off.

I would a real like it's because here's the thing, no matter how real your homies are, they're gonna get fucking annoyed if you continually like have this back and forth thing.

But they're gonna get they're they're gonna get annoyed, understandably so.

But if they are real homies, which they still could be, then they may have that christ like you have not wandered too far such that you cannot come back home kind of a thing.

But I think they and that might be true with them, but they they're probably like they're probably not ready for you to metaphorically come home, unless if you're actually ready to come home with which I don't know.

We've been talking for thirteen minutes, and you're a complex human being, so only you can really answer that question and go on that journey to decide if you actually can come home so speak and not be trapped in this crazy cycle.

And I don't I don't have I don't really have good advice for you because I just know it's I empathize with you.

It's it's a brutal, fucking cycle.

Is a reason why people get trapped in these things.

I don't, I don't, I don't.

If I'll say, if it makes you feel any better, I don't think you're like a loser or naive, or that it's you know, your your fault or anything like that.

I think I think you're trapped in something that's really like you know, easy and susceptible to get trapped into.

And I don't think you should wallow in shame or self hatred about it.

I think you should have a little bit of grace for yourself, but also in having grace for yourself, like just recognize what you're in and try to not approach it from again.

Like I I don't, I think you're you kind of are susceptible to a thing that it's easy to be susceptible for too.

But you do have to sort of figure out when you want to help yourself, and that that is a journey that only you can take.

But if if I could say anything, is that I don't think you should uh go down it from a place of like, uh, hating yourself or thinking you're a loser, because you wanted human connection and you happened to found find it in a an amazing place.

It happens to people.

And I hope you're doing I I I I hope you all right?

Man, I really appreciate that.

Thank you.

It's it's been really rough, you know.

Aside from that, like I've been uh, I think five days ago, I stopped snooking pot just because I feel like I got too complacent in life and I wasn't moving forward anymore.

So I stopped smoking pot, struggled with a certain addiction for a little while, and like I, I completely stopped that cold turkey as well.

So it's been jacking off.

Yeah, so you you know.

You're doing all of this without smoking weed and jacking off?

Oh yeah, you're like g I Joe, You're like the fun You're like Chuck Norris, Who are this is crazy?

You're got you're going, oh my god, that's Christ.

Have a have a mint or something, man, Yeah, go for a walk.

How do you done't even know?

You know?

I didn't really.

I can't believe you're doing all this without jerking off.

And smoking weed.

Right.

I I respect you, I really do.

Thanks, Lile, I appreciate that, and I you and everyone has a great Christmas and everything.

You know, it's coming up, and I'm sure other people are in similar situations, and I feel for everyone else as well.

I'm very empathetic, so I understand it can be rough.

So I just I feel for everyone in myself, you know.

I mean, I just want to say I appreciate it.

What was your name again, man, My name's Rocky, Rocky, Rocky Rocky.

I hope, I hope you.

I hope you find your way back.

Man.

Hey, thanks, I appreciate that.

Uh, have a good holiday season and stay strong.

Man.

Hey, you two take care Rocky all right?

Oh that was Rocky?

Mm hmm.

Yeah.

I feel for Rocky.

He's a man.

That's crazy.

That's like, that's a lot.

Oh, that's a lot.

That's a lot of that's a lot of withdrawal.

That's a that's a lot of withdrawal at once.

Truly.

I mean, I wasn't just by the way, I don't like say I don't fucking say ship.

I don't mean I try not, I really try not to say ship.

I don't mean on this uh show, And so I really do think, Uh, that's a crazy amount that it's a crazy amount of withdrawal to take, you know, not to be not because you're it's like you're trying.

You're withdrawing from what the oxytocin the addiction of a person and fucking jacking off and smoking weed.

What's he doing?

What?

Man?

What's that?

What's he doing?

I fucking feel for that guy.

I hope Santa comes down his chimney and gives a blowjob or whatever Santa does.

I don't think Santa does that.

I do feel for that guy.

Maybe he's maybe he's Jewish.

Maybe he'll get Hanka, maybe Hanica Harry will come down his chimney help him out.

I think it's time for me to stop talking.

I think it's time for me to stop talking and end this podcast.

But I enjoyed doing this.

This was a lot of fun.

Thank you for listening.

I'm sorry this episode came out really late.

It came out really late because I was busy editing, finishing up editing the Iraq video.

I just oh, yeah, yeah, if you want to watch, I just released a video of me walking around Bagdad Iraq as a gecko for an hour.

I'm probably gonna post it on Spotify at some point next week, so you'll be able to watch it here if you listen to this podcast on Spotify, but if you don't, you can watch it or if you do, or you can also watch it right now on YouTube dot com slash lyle Forever.

Maybe I'll put a link in the episode description or something like that.

But yeah, that's why this one came out late.

I'm gonna try not to do that again.

I just got I was just fucking up for twenty four hours, drinking diet mountain dew and typing subtitles like a crazy person.

I don't know how I still have energy.

Oh man, this is gonna this is gonna be a bad crash.

I'm gonna I'm gonna have what I You know, you know how some people like they get they drink a lot, and they you know how some people fucking like they get drunk and then they like black out and then they don't remember what they said.

That's what I do, except I consume a lot of stimulants and coffee and then give intense motivational speeches on the internet and then I'm like, what the fuck was I talking about.

It's fun.

It's fun.

Okay, thank you for listening to this podcast.

Get bless you, Bye bye.

Goes on the line, taking your phone calls.

Every night, never goes to ride.

I'm just teaching you cloud.

And the memorial line.

But he's not really an expert.