Do you ever feel like you’re stuck? Like things aren’t going bad but aren’t moving in the right direction either? Today I want to talk about being stuck and what to do to get things moving in the right direction.

“First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do.”

—Epictetus Discourses, 3.23

First off, I want to apologize for not posting anything new for a while. A lot of things have changed over the past two months, and I’m finally getting back to where I have the time and energy to produce some episodes, and that’s pretty much what this episode is about.

A few months ago I realized that I was stuck. I wasn’t failing hard or suffering from depression, but I wasn’t really making progress on the things that I wanted to either. I had a hard time following up on promising leads or finding the motivation to go out and network. I was second guessing myself in reaching out to others that I could collaborate with things on. I wasn’t having any breakthrough ideas to share with my listeners. Rather than going out to meet new friends, I noticed that I would more often than not end up just staying home and watching Netflix. Rather than moving forward or failing, I felt like I was just existing.

In a word, I was languishing. 

When you’re languishing, everything feels ‘meh’. Things aren’t bad enough to propel you take action, and are just good enough to keep you stuck. Nothing is really exciting nor is there anything for you to really look forward to. It’s comfortable, but not satisfying. 

Sometimes incremental changes can move you in the right direction, but sometimes it’s not enough. So I made a big change. I pulled up stakes and moved back to Portland.

This was not an easy decision. In some ways it felt like I was giving up and throwing in the towel, and I think that’s why it took me a while to pull the trigger. But as I weighed the options, I found that there were some opportunities that I wanted to pursue back in the states that came up at the right time. I missed my family and friends. I also missed cycling up in the mountains, and if you’ve ever been to the Netherlands, you know it’s a place where mountains simply do not exist.

I often said, “There are no problems, only choices”, so I made a choice that I thought would serve me best and help me to move forward with the goals that I have in my life. So far, it’s been going pretty well. I’m reestablishing the habits that I had let fall by the wayside like writing every day. I’m spending time with my family and friends. I’ve been out cycling in the hills of Portland and working on getting back into shape. Each habit that I put back in place is one that helps me to move in the right direction and get myself unstuck.

Another aspect that made my decision challenging was that, as a Stoic, I believe that your perspective on things is what matters most and that you can learn to be happy in any circumstance. So was my perspective on the way things were going all wrong? Was I giving up too soon? 

Maybe. 

But, Stoicism, contrary to what some may think, is not just accepting and putting up with things as they are. It’s about understanding what is under you control and make choices that you have control over. Just because circumstances exist doesn’t mean that we can’t make choices to change our external circumstances. 

What it comes down to is that your circumstances and environment do play a big role in your mindset. We Stoics often like to think that we can outthink any situation, and in sense we can by changing our internal perspective which makes an impact on our mood and how we approach the challenges in our lives. But sometimes the best thing you can do is change your external environment to one that feels more supportive.

Don’t get me wrong—I really enjoyed living in Amsterdam. I made some great friends there and got to experience a different way of life. And there’s a good chance I’ll end up back there or somewhere else in Europe in a few years. But for now, Portland feels like the place I need to be.

So what are the things that can keep us stuck and languishing and what can we do to break out of the downward spiral?

Stepping Stones

“What would you have at hand in such circumstances? The knowledge of what is mine and what is not mine, and what I can control and what I cannot.” —Epictetus

One of the things about humans is that we hold lots of paradoxical ideas. We want life to be interesting and exciting which means that we want things to change. But at the same time, we struggle when things change and often complain about the same changes that make life interesting. This makes us resist change and put in as little work needed to deal with things when they change. Often, we put off taking any action until things get too painful and we’re forced to deal with them. 

I mean how many times have to stayed a terrible job just because you didn’t want to go through the effort to find a new one? How many times have you stayed in a relationship that was unhealthy but the effort of leaving or improving it was more than you wanted to put in?

The thing is we’re comfortable. We may not be happy, or even like the situation we’re in, but we’re comfortable with things the way they are. It takes effort to push forward and make a change. It takes planning to imagine how things could be different, and then work on executing those plans. The inertia, or in this case, lack thereof, keeps you in place.

Imagine it’s like trying to move a large heavy rock. It takes a lot of work to get it moving in the first place, but once you do, the momentum of it’s own weight helps move it through each new revolution with much less effort on your part.

Sometimes the path to achieve what feel overwhelming. We may know where we want to be and what it will take to get there, but we freeze on taking even the first step. I found this in many case while trying to build up my coaching practice. I would have opportunities that would open up but find myself not taking them because I feared that would not be able to deliver the quality that I wanted. Rather than even try, I would let imposter syndrome get the better of me. 

Self Doubt

While I was working on this episode and thinking about why I felt like I was languishing in Amsterdam, I realized the most important thing that kept me stuck. As I was trying to create a business, I had this deep belief that I wouldn’t be able to succeed. Even though I know I have the knowledge and the skills to be successful, there was this self doubt that I couldn’t seem to shake.

I kept switching from idea to idea. And because implementing a good idea takes time and energy, I would try something for a while and when it didn’t seem to work as I expected, I would switch to something else. Each failure, rather than helping me to refine my mission, made me less sure about my skills and abilities. My confidence dropped and I convinced me even more that I couldn’t succeed. 

And this is really hard to admit openly. I talk each week about how to use Stoic principles to deal with challenges and push through self doubt and here I was overthinking things to the point where I wasn’t taking action. This led to an even greater sense of failure because I wasn’t doing the things that I advise others to do.

The problem with this mindset is that it colors how you see everything. I even dismissed the wins that I had like writing and publishing a book in less than a year or speaking at Google and ING about Stoicism in the workplace. I began to dismiss them as lucky flukes rather than the result of all the hard work that I’ve put in over the years. Simply put, I became my own worst enemy.

This is why the Stoics place such importance on understanding and choosing our perspective. Rather than seeing each setback as something to learn from, I started to seem them as proof that I couldn’t succeed. Each time we choose a perception it becomes a stepping stone paving our path forward, or a burden we carry making the journey seem even harder.

Get Healthy

Another important area to get get out of languishing is your physical health. Personally, I think that much of our mental suffering and struggles come from how we feel physically. How we feel physically deeply colors how we mentally view everything. When we’re sick, tired, or in pain it takes significantly more effort to view things positively. We’re more prone to exaggerating how bad things are when we don’t feel well. We’re less likely to take action because we’re pessimistic that our actions will achieve the results we want.

I certainly struggled with this at various times over the past year. I felt tired almost all the time. I was eating healthily, going to the gym, and walking several time a week but often felt like I was dragging and just getting through the day. I’m not sure what the cause was, but I’ve been doing my best to get enough sleep, exercise every day, and reduce my alcohol consumption. The overall effort seems to be making a difference, as I’ve been having more and more positive days. 

Do Small Things

When you think about it, life is just a series of moments strung together. We often get so focused on the big events, that we forget that most of our lives are just lots of one small thing after another. This is why the small choices we make can, over time, have big impacts. 

When I look back on this time period I see that I wasn’t consistently doing the things that I knew would move things forward. I wasn’t reaching out to those who were interested in my coaching. I wasn’t writing. I wasn’t meditating. I wasn’t even reading on a consistent basis which always helped to inspire me with new podcast episodes and new ideas to share with my audience. I wasn’t even playing piano which is always something that helps me feel inspired and happy. Instead I allowed myself to be distracted by small things like scrolling on social media or watching the latest Netflix series that sucked time away from doing things that would be better for me in the long run. 

I also spent time on doing things that were good for me like going to the gym and daily walks in the park, but I often used those to justify the time I didn’t spend on the things that would have helped me be more successful. It’s like how we often justify eating cake after a workout, when we know that to make real progress we need to stack a lot more positives against the negatives or we just stay stuck.

And the thing is, when you get into this habit of letting things slide, then often times you feel like because you let opportunities pass that it’s too late so why even try. It feeds into a slow downward spiral that you don’t really notice. You tell yourself that you’ll do it tomorrow, which gets pushed off again to another tomorrow until weeks have gone by. This compounds the feeling that it’s too late and that you’ve let too many chances go by.

 When you’re stuck in this slow descent the most important thing to do is to take action. You break this cycle by making a choice to do something. Even if it’s a small something. Even if it’s just a single step in a different direction, you take action. You sit down and write a paragraph, send out an email, or shoot a two minute video. Then you do it again. Then again. Small actions accumulate results over time. Consistency is the complacency killer. 

Did you lose an opportunity you didn’t act on? So what? There will be more. Life is continually changing and things will present themselves. But if you’re not taking any action, then you’ll surely miss them.

Since I’ve been back, I’ve been writing every day, even if it’s just a quick note in my community. I’ve set my alarm earlier so I get up and get the day started. I’ve been scheduling a workout every day, eating healthier, and reducing my alcohol intake. Each of these small things has made a difference. Each small step helps me develop a better mindset and act on the opportunities that are starting to appear.

Do Big Things

Now, sometimes you need to make big changes. Sometimes you need to really shake things up to get unstuck like changing something drastic in your environment. In my case, I moved back to Portland. I could see that if I stayed where I was I would probably continue doing exactly what I was doing and getting nowhere. 

Now, there were also other factors I mentioned like wanting to spend time with my family, especially with my kids. My mother is also getting older and I don’t know how much time I’ll have with her. I missed cycling in the mountains and that is something Amsterdam will never be able to offer. 

I was also very lonely. I made some great friends when I was in Amsterdam, but I never really found my “tribe”, and because I was working for myself I spent most of my time alone. I’m a very social person and I love spending time around people. Not having close group of friends or family to spend more time with was really taking its toll on me.

This wasn’t an easy decision. There was a the feeling that I somehow failed and that moving back to Portland was admitting defeat. But as with all things in life, that’s just a perspective that I was creating. But as my friend Trever pointed out, how many people just pick up and move to Europe for 18 months to a country where they don’t know anyone, speak the language, or even have a job? I did it. And while it may have not turned out the way I wanted, it certainly was an adventure, and there’s no reason that I can’t move back at a future time.

Being back in Portland has been interesting. It feels both foreign and yet like home at the same time. Things are familiar and in many ways the same, and yet I also notice the changes such as new buildings and restaurants. I’ve been cycling in new areas that I had never explored when I lived here. But more importantly, I feel more supported here as I’ve been meeting up with friends and family. For now, it’s the environment I need to get things back on track. The timing also worked out well because I’ve been able to help my mother with some health issues and spend time with her. She just turned 80, and I’m honestly not sure how much time I have left with her.

Conclusion

So there you have it. This has not been an easy episode to write. It’s tough to admit when you feel like you’ve failed at something big. But as I’ve often said, “Failure is just missed expectations, and you’re the one who sets those expectations.” I’ve been taking to look over the last year and half and see where I could have done better. I’m appreciating the fact that I was brave enough to pick up and move to a foreign country and try to create a different life, even if it didn’t work out as I had hoped.

Most importantly, I’m using the disappointment that I feel be the driver to take action and do the hard things I previously avoided. I can’t change what happened in the past, but as they say, “Past performance is not a predictor of future outcomes”. I can make new choices and ask for help instead of trying to do it all on my own. I can take action and forge new path with a better support system.

We all get stuck in our path in life. The worst part is when allow ourselves to stay stuck. When we know we can take action but don’t, leading to us feeling stuck and disappointed in ourselves. But let me tell you this, “Action is the antidote to anxiety.” If you’re stuck, think about what actions you can take. List out the things you can do both big and small, and choose one to do each day. Also, make sure to take actions that improve your health—take walks, go to the gym, eat your vegetables. 

Remember, each day is another opportunity to try again. Each day is another day to move forward, with a little more wisdom, a little more courage, and bit more grace for ourselves.