Dustin Alley (02:25.45)
Hey men,Welcome to another episode of the Man After God podcast as we go through the book of Proverbs. Again, today, as we've been doing the last several times, we are forging strength of mind, forging strength of heart, and of course, mission in Jesus. As you probably know, I'm Adrian. And today we are in Proverbs 15. And what we're going to do is we are going to learn how to win the room without losing your soul. So with that,

Grab a coffee, I did. Get ready for your drive, your devotion, whatever it is that you're doing right now. Let's go ahead and get ready and let's kick it.

Alright, welcome back. Now listen, here's where we're gonna start. You ready? Have you ever had an argument with whoever, for many of us, it ends up being our spouse, have you ever won an argument but lost the connection? And that could be with your wife, that could be with your kids, that could be with your team, and honestly with your witness. And if you've done that, if you've been in that position, then this episode is for you. Let's go ahead and pray.

Father, I just pray that you would make our hearts, Lord, just pliable. Lord, I pray that you would help us to search deep within, God, and ask the difficult questions of, you speaking to me? And if you are speaking to me, what do I need to do to change, to follow you, to truly be a man after God's heart? How can I truly seek you, Lord? Help me to change. In your name, I pray, God. Amen.

So before we dive into specific verses, let's be honest, I don't wanna sit here and just read the whole chapter, all right? So what I'm going to do is there's gonna be certain verses that just stick out and I'm gonna read those and then we're gonna discuss them a little bit. And again, I'm not here to preach at you. I'm just here to kinda just help you and encourage you and just show you the nuggets of truth that are found in the word of God, all right? Now, if you're watching from home, don't judge my office, all right? I'm still organizing it.

Dustin Alley (04:32.258)
Do not judge me, I have other things to do. But I will eventually get to that, all right? As you probably know, Proverbs was written by Solomon, right? The book of Proverbs is wisdom literature. It is literally spirit-breathed instruction for skillful living under God's rule. It teaches us and shows us how we are to live. And most of the lines that we see are really gonna come into a two-line contrast.

that show how life generally works in God's moral order. But here's what we're going to see, right? Number one is that a soft answer is better than harsh words. So almost like a soft answers versus harsh words, you know, showdown there. But we're also going to see the difference between teachability versus pride. And we're also going to look at how peace with little versus turmoil with plenty and what that looks like for us. All right. And like the rest of the book,

we will see that the fear of the Lord sits exactly in the center. So number one, gentlemen, there's gonna be five things we're gonna look at. Number one, tame your tongue. You're like, my word, how am I gonna do that? I'm so glad you asked, right? Let's see what the word says. Proverbs 15 verse one, Bible says, gentle answer turns away anger, but a harsh word stirs up wrath. One more time, a gentle answer turns away anger, but a harsh word stirs up wrath.

Verse 2 says, tongue of the wise makes knowledge attractive, but the mouth of fools blurt out foolishness. Verse 4, the tongue that heals is a tree of life, but a devious tongue breaks the spirit. Listen, guys, gentleness is not weakness. It is power under control. And that's something that is very hard for many men to understand. And I'm just going to be real with you. It's something that is very hard for me many times to control.

because my first reaction, the first words that are about to come out of my mouth, let's be honest, are not edifying. My first thoughts are not uplifting. My first thoughts, my first words that I think about are the ones that are going to show people I know what I'm talking about and I am right. You are wrong.

Dustin Alley (06:48.168)
And listen, maybe you're looking at me and you're saying, well, I just can't believe that man. You should be a man after God. You should be. You are a man of God, right? You are this pastor. You are this, you know, quote unquote leader, right? OK. Well, guess what? We're still sinners. And this is something that I struggle with. And somebody one day told me this and I'm to give you the same negative wisdom. You ready? All right. Number one, the first thought that comes to mind. Don't say it. Shut your mouth. The third.

thought that comes to mind, shut your mouth. The third, I'm sorry, the second one. The third one, possibly rephrase it, right? Pause one more time, right? I want to read these one more time. A gentle answer turns away anger, but a harsh word stirs up wrath. I think that many times, you know, we, we, we would get into a discussion. We get into an argument, whether it's at work, a friend, a coworker, a wife, kids, you know, and our first reaction is,

So what? I've told you this before and I'm going to be blunt and I'm going to be honest with you, right? There are many times where, where my wife had, has come to me in the past and she said something that I didn't like. For example, Adrian, I would like your help with the kids at night. Guys, I don't know if you're with me. I don't like putting the kids to bed.

Like, man, you tell me to do anything else in the house. You want me to go build you a gazebo? I will build you a gazebo. You want me to go change your oil at nine o'clock at night? I will go change your oil, right? You want me to clean the garage? Please let me clean the garage. I'll go clean the garage. But you want me to put those little gremlins to bed? Like, no. You know how many questions they ask? Like, it's almost like their goal is to not go to bed. And your first reaction is, why don't you?

What are you doing? Why don't you? man, and that's when the trouble starts. Because you wanted to bring out those fighting words, right? Again, a gentle answer turns away anger, but harsh words stir up wrath. And then all of a sudden, you just begin this cycle, this issue where now you're fighting. Listen, the tongue of the wise makes knowledge attractive, but the mouth of fools blurt out foolishness. Guys,

Dustin Alley (09:06.347)
Again, you don't always have to talk. Sometimes it's just better to be quiet and just not say a word. Right? Listen, it's called a three beat pause. Beat one, breathe slow, inhale through your nose. Just just breathe on that topic. Do know why people smoke? Right? Yes, I understand that there's a addiction, right? I get that. But there it's been scientifically proven that

You know, when people try to try to stop smoking, they actually grab a, a straw and on one end, they're told to just stuff it with cotton. And when they get the urge to smoke, right, to just go outside and just, just puff on that straw and that that will help them. And people are like, that's so stupid. Do you know why it helps? Because you're breathing, because you're pausing, you're not saying a word, you're breathing. It's causing you to inhale.

but you're doing it in the guise of you thinking that it's a cigarette, but it's actually a straw. When you could just throw away that straw together and just breathe. Number two, before you answer anyone, just lower your volume. So breathe. And as you go to respond, which you don't always have to respond, lower your volume and lower your pace. Think about what you're going to say. Is what I'm going to say going to edify? Is it going to build up?

Is it or is it going to tear down? Will it honor God or will it uplift man? And number three, ask yourself this. Help me understand what's the real concern. Because again, number one, so many times we think that something is the case when it isn't and we automatically jump to judgment. We automatically jump to attack that person.

When in all actuality, maybe we just don't truly understand what they're trying to tell us. When harsh words come at you, don't mirror it. Minister to it. You know, if you're driving practice, practice saying this line out loud. I want to understand you. Can you say that another way so I don't miss it? Listen, I'm trying to help you. I have had this issue in my marriage for so long where, you know, I'm thinking that I know everything, that I know what's right, that I know what to say, that I know what to do.

Dustin Alley (11:28.545)
And I just had to learn to, let's be honest guys, shut up. I had to learn to shut up and listen and say, honey, I am not trying to come off as a jerk. I'm not trying to come off as I understand everything. And you're thinking, well, I can't believe it. You would say something like that. Like you have to explain yourself. Yes. Because so many times my words and my, my tone and my actions are not truly what I mean them to be. And I, and I have to tell her, I don't mean to sound just.

disrespectful if that's how it comes out. I don't mean to sound combative if that's how it comes out, but can you help me understand? Again, the way that you say things will influence others and that relationship, meaning are you going to be at odds with your spouse? Are you going to be at odds with your children based on how you answer them? You know, number two, we see in Proverbs to live before the Lord and not the crowd.

That's a big one right there. Live before the Lord and not the crowd. Let me take a sip of my coffee here.

Chapter, I'm sorry, verse three says, the eyes of the Lord are everywhere, observing the wicked and the good. Verse eight says, the sacrifice of the wicked is detestable to the Lord, but the prayer of the upright is his delight. Verse nine, the Lord detests. man, that's a big word. Detest the way of the wicked, but he loves the one who pursues righteousness. And verse 26, the Lord detest the plans of one who is evil, but he is pleased with the words of

Men, God sees not just what we say, but why we say it. Why do we act the way that we act? Why do we say what we do? Why do we want to do things a certain way? Because let's be honest, He is not impressed by performance. Your coworkers may be, your family may even be, but He's not impressed with that because what He delights in is what is in the prayer.

Dustin Alley (13:32.343)
the upright, in the prayer of the upright, in the man right who pursues righteousness. Not the perfect man but the pursuing man. And I guess we need to ask ourselves that question. Am I a perfect man? Well the answer is going to be absolutely not. So then ask yourself this, are you a pursuing man? Do you pursue righteousness? Do you pursue holiness? Do you pursue God? Because again it doesn't matter what people think. It doesn't matter what the world thinks.

And I've said this so many times behind the pulpit, I don't care what you think. And I'm not trying to be a jerk to people, right? I don't care what you think because I don't want your applause. I don't want your attaboys. What I want to hear is, well done, thou good and faithful servant. And you're like, well, that sounds mean. Let me explain. And maybe you've heard this before, but when we were called to the mission field, I remember that I told my mom.

right? And I told my father, my father was kind of quiet when it came to that. But when I told my mom, I remember, I remember her and my dad actually saying, well, you want to be a pastor because you don't want to work. And I'm just like, my word. If only you knew, if only I knew back then, they're like, you want to do that because you don't want to work. And what I found out later was that that came out of their mouth because they were hurt. Because later on, my mother approached me and said something that really hurt my

hurt my feelings, right? And she said, why would you do this to us? Why would you take our children away from us? Don't you want them to know who their grandparents are? And I remember that I looked at my mom and I was like, mom, the thing is, is that I would rather hear, well done, thou good and faithful servant. I'd rather hear, thank you for obeying. Thank you for accepting the call more than thank you for coming over for my birthday.

And thank you for this beautiful letter that you wrote and you gave to me on my anniversary from the children. I was like, I want to hear the attaboy from my savior, from my creator. But we come back to this again. If God loves a man who pursues righteousness, are we pursuing righteousness? My hope and my prayer is that if you're listening to this episode today,

Dustin Alley (15:56.761)
that your answer is yes, because why else would you be here? Because let's be honest, I'm not that entertaining, right?

but not just pursuing. Are you actively trying to add that into your life and trying to change what you do, how you do it, how you think in order to pursue him?

you know, next time that you're walking into a meeting or you're about to have a hard talk with your teen or you're on a phone call that you're dreading, why don't you try these words? Ready? Lord, you see me and I want to please you. Give me wisdom and love. Help me to pursue you. And as you go in that meeting, do it for Him and His honor and His glory.

and not you winning an argument. Third, as you go about life carry a cheerful heart. Verse 13 says, a joyful heart makes a face cheerful, but a sad heart produces a broken spirit. Verse 15 says, all the days of the oppressed are miserable, but a cheerful heart has a continual feast.

Did you know that your tone travels, right? What lives in your heart sets the weather in your home. Gospel joy is not denial, it's resilience. So what is that tone? What tone are you setting? What example are you giving people? You know, I keep going back to family because as I read and as I teach and as I preach and prepare, man, the Lord convicts my heart.

Dustin Alley (17:39.373)
Because so many times I just want to go home and I want to sit down and I want to eat my meal and you good, you good, you good, you good. Amen. Well, I forgot a kid. You're good. And my wife, you're good. Great. Right. Let's go on with life. But that's not family. So what they're seeing is they're seeing dad get gratitude from what? Food. How about this?

How do we instill gratitude in our family? How do we instill gratitude in our children? Can we start by asking them, by asking them to share something specific that they are grateful for? Something at work or at school, something at home, and then maybe something having to do with God's kindness. You know, so for example, I'm grateful that I have

job that provides for my family. My parents have always given me or attempted to give me everything that I need and what I want. The want hasn't always happened but I feel like my parents tried. But as a father I want my kids to have the things that I wasn't able to have and if they do get what I have I want to go a step above. I hope that doesn't sound weird.

So I'm thankful that the Lord allows me to provide for my family financially when it comes to work. In my house, I am grateful.

Dustin Alley (19:16.685)
I don't want to say this because I know it's going to come back at me later on today. I'm grateful for the noise. I'm grateful for the noise. have an eight year old, nine year old, 11 year old, 16 year old, and a 20 year old, and my 20 year old just moved out.

And it finally hit me guys. It finally hit me what my my mom and my dad said as I was growing up. You know, mom would say, would call and say, call your father. And then later on that day, my father would call saying, call your mother. And and mom would call and say, well, where have you been? I haven't talked to you in a couple of days. I haven't talked to you in a week. Well, now that my 20 year old is gone, man, has it been hard?

you wonder how are they doing? How's life? Are they okay? Are they succeeding? Are they living well? Are they honoring God?

Dustin Alley (20:11.737)
you miss it.

Can you imagine having that raw conversation at your dinner table and just saying, man, I'm just thankful for God for his blessing that he provides for us. I'm thankful for you as a family. And I understand that we're not perfect, but I thank God for you. And then what's one thing about God's kindness? What about the fact that at least in my situation, I'm like, Lord, thank you for allowing me to serve you.

Lord, thank you for using this imperfect person to do your will. Help me to follow you, Lord. Help me to, here's the key word, ready? Pursue you. Why don't you try that and just see how that joy changes the temperature in your home? Because man, you are that temperature gauge in your home. You set that tone.

Man, the fourth thing we're to look at is this, is that we're to seek counsel and love correction. Proverbs 15, 22 says, plans fail when there is no counsel, but with many advisors they succeed. Verse 31, one who listens to life-giving rebukes will be at home among the wise. Verse 32, anyone who ignores discipline despises himself, but whoever listens to correction acquires good sense. And verse 28, the mind of the righteous person thinks before answering.

but the mouth of the wicked blurts out evil. And finally, verse 23, a person takes joy in giving an answer, a timely word. How good that is. Guys, success isn't solo, it's surrounded. Success isn't accomplished by you being by yourself, but being surrounded by others. And when we do that, let's be honest, we need to give people the ability to speak in our lives. And we need to understand that correction isn't an attack.

Dustin Alley (22:10.433)
It's a vitamin. It's how we learn. It's how we grow. It's how we correct. Because if we don't see it, how can we correct it? But we need to allow people the space and the ability to speak into our lives and say, this is what I see. know, wise men think before answering. And when the right word comes at the right time, listen, it is good. Build a board.

All right, in your life, a board of three people, an older man that you respect, a peer who sees your daily life, and number three, a pastor or a mentor who can guard your soul. And as things come up in your life, as issues come up, as questions arise, go to these men, go to that peer, go to that older man, go to that mentor and say, here is what I'm facing. What can I do? How do I proceed forward? And ask them this question.

What blind spot do you see in me right now? What blind spot am I not seeing? And then no matter what they say, say these words. Thank you. Thank you.

Give someone the ability to speak into your life.

Watch what you say because if your first word is but or I don't think so, I'm sorry, but you're never going to grow. You're never going to see that blind spot.

Dustin Alley (23:47.161)
Because how often have you been able to step outside of a situation or somebody in your life has been able to step outside of that situation and say, here's what I see, have you tried this? You know, for example, when I assumed the pastorate at the church I'm currently at, you know, I remember my first service, and don't get me wrong, I love this church and I love the people.

But I remember I looked at somebody and I said, man, the order of service reminds me of a Catholic church, right? It's stand up.

Worship, sit down, prayer, stand up, worship, sit down, announcements, right? Stand up, worship, sit down, kids dismiss, and not like that really, but kinda. So we did everything except for kneeling. And I remember I spoke with the elders and I'm like, I would like to change the order of service. And I'm like, you know, let's start off with an introduction like, hey, how's everyone doing today? Hey, let's all get, you know, gather together as we prepare to worship the Lord.

And then let's worship. Let's do three songs in a row where we're just worshiping God without a break. I said after that let's go ahead and sit down and you know what let's pray for one another. Let's have some intercessory prayer and let's pray for one another and our needs because we've worshiped God. We have prepared our hearts and as we're in that moment let's pray. And then after that you know what let's take a little break and let's talk about the announcements and what's going on and how we're going to impact our community.

And then you know what, let's worship one more time. Let's get our hearts ready for the message and so on and so forth. And I remember that somebody said this, said, we're glad that somebody could come in and look from the outside because they saw something that they wouldn't have seen or didn't see because they were in the middle of it. And then fifth, gentlemen, choose better over more. Choose better over more.

Dustin Alley (25:47.343)
Proverbs 15, 16 says, better a little with a fear of the Lord than great treasure with turmoil. Better a meal of vegetables where there is love than a faddened ox with hatred. And verse 27, the one who profits dishonestly troubles his household, but the one who hates bribes will live. Gentlemen, live with less and not more. Be content.

what you have because peace beats Blenty.

Man, I would rather sit at my table with my family and with friends with a bowl of beans and have love and laughter than sit down with prime rib and hatred and war.

Why don't you open up your budgeting or calendar and just ask, where are greed or overwork stealing peace from my home?

Can I tell you, can I share something with you as to how I was convicted? I sat down and I did our house budget, right? And I'm not good at following budgets, but at least I wrote one down. And I sat down and I talked with my wife about work and I got offered a.

Dustin Alley (27:10.335)
a different secular employment. And we sat down and started talking about money and which one would be more money and, okay, well, do we do this so that we can make more here? And what we ended up coming up with is if we just followed our budget, we could stop doing certain things. She didn't have to work as much. I wouldn't have to work as much. We wouldn't have to follow, you know, just do as much and we'd be home.

And we would provide. And I asked my wife, I'm like, what do you, what do you want from me? Like, what do you expect from me? How can I, how can I show you that I love you? And her response was be here. Can I tell you this? Would she like a coach purse? Absolutely. Would she like a Michael Kors purse? 100%. Would she like jewelry? Yeah. But what she wanted, she, she didn't say, I want you to work more so that we can have more.

want you home.

Just want your help.

Dustin Alley (28:16.143)
So open up your budget, open up your calendar and just ask the Lord, where are you filling in these holes that you may not need to fill in because you have exactly what you need? And that maybe you're overextending yourself for what you want. And then once you see that, make a concrete change this week. Cancel a purchase. Maybe you turn down that extra shift. Maybe you put your phone in a drawer after dinner to spend that quality time.

Because fear of the Lord with a little is better than a full account with constant conflict. And then actually, you know what? I'm going to throw a sixth one in here. You ready? Remember that God hears and humility comes before honor. Look at verse 29, 33 and 11. The Lord is far from the wicked, but he hears a prayer of the righteous. Verse 33, the fear of the Lord is wisdom's instruction and humility comes before honor.

And verse 11, Shoal and Abedon lie open before the Lord. How much more human hearts. Men, pray because God hears you. Men, walk humbly because the road to honor always presses, always passes through humility. And don't forget that God sees the place that no one else can see. He sees your motives. He sees your secrets. He knows your intentions.

So we come into the light, we repent quickly, and we ask Him to form Christ in us.

Because ultimately we want to be like him. We want to be molded into men of God, men after God, men of valor. you see what I did there? And not just men after things. So.

Dustin Alley (30:06.831)
Let's go ahead and seek God. Let's be men who pursue righteousness, not just talk about it. Guys, if I can give you a prayer request, I pray that you would, or ask you to pray for me. And actually, men after God as well.

We sat down in a meeting the other day and started talking about what we were going to do in the future and how we were going to you know, just just honestly make an impact and One of the things that's been on my heart and on my mind has been to write a book Now I am NOT an author by any means I am NOT well put together by any means It'll probably be a book that somebody keeps in their bathroom and reads it. You know, I don't know

I shouldn't have said that. But you know what I mean, just something that people just, you know, I'm not one of these big known pastors and I don't have that goal. Do know why I don't want that goal? Because I know that I would like it. And I'm like, Lord, just help me to be humble. Help me to seek you. But with that being said, I want to write a book and I want to write a book on the life of David.

Because one book that really helped me was one that was written about the life of Samson. And it pointed out several characteristics in the life of Samson and how strong men sometimes fail in these areas. Strong men lust. Because I believe that we think that because we struggle with a sin or we struggle with a temptation that we're weak. And that's not the case because we can see in the Bible how

Strong men struggled with issues with sin in their life that they had to overcome and ultimately give to God You know and I want to do something like that and maybe even a study like that on the life of David You know, I was talking to a group of teens the other day and I told him I said can God use you?

Dustin Alley (32:12.057)
Can God forgive you? Yeah, absolutely. Okay. What if you murdered someone and then they stopped and they were like, yeah, yes. And I'm like, okay, good answer.

Dustin Alley (32:29.775)
So why do we act like we fail and that we can never be used again? I'm like, if God can use an adulterer and a murderer like David. Now there were things that David wasn't able to do in his life because of his past, because of his actions, but there are life lessons that we can learn from his life.

And we want to put together a lesson here at Men After God that maybe eventually evolved into a book and a Bible study for men to seek to be imperfect men who follow a perfect God. And I looked at my teens and I told them this, said, how much better would life be in that? we're going to struggle. Yes, we're going to fall. Yes, we're going to sin.

But what if we were watching it now? And what if we gave it all to God now? So that the failures that we would normally have in life, we don't have because we are giving it to God now at a young age. And I was pretty much just encouraging them to seek God, to hold on, pursue righteousness and not fall into the...

issues, the problems, the sin that so many children and teens in our generation fall into that later on affect them in life. And I remember I use this this example. I said I used to smoke. I smoked for several years. And I remember that even now, sometimes, you know, some people smell smoke in their life, you know, like, that's horrible. And sometimes not always, but sometimes I smell a cigarette, a cigar, and I'm just like.

That would be amazing right now. And listen, I'm not saying that for any other reason other than I just don't want to smoke, right? Because I know the hole that it had in my life. But I know the struggle that I now have because at a young age I gave in to that sin. Men, let's respond to God together in prayer and I pray that you would pray with me.

Dustin Alley (34:45.315)
Lord, I pray that you would teach us to fear you. I pray, Lord, that you would help us to follow you. I pray, God, that you would just encourage each and every one of us who, Lord, who are just here, just trying to be better men. God, I pray that you would raise us up and help us, Lord, to impact that next generation. But Lord, help that...

Focus to not always be outward. Do we want to affect the next generation? Yes. Do we want to affect the community 100 %? Do we want to eventually Lord, you know? Impact the world. I believe so But it all starts at home Help us Lord to be men who seek righteousness who pursue righteousness who pursue you God and help that to begin in our homes and then help

that to overflow into every other area of our life. I pray that anyone that looks at us, God says there's something different about them and that then we could look at them and say, because we're men after God. Thank you, Lord. Help us, Lord, to do right and to seek you in your holy and in your precious name. We pray in the name of your son, Jesus Christ. Amen. Until next time, gentlemen, have a great day.