What's Uplift Family shod Boil the Terry Star with Fiel.

Listen, I want to drop in before this episode releases just let you know that I appreciate you.

I just want to say thank you.

This episode was shot au Guess the thirteenth of twenty twenty four.

I shot three episodes when doctor Gary Chapman was in my studio.

He wanted to offer as much wisdom as possible, and this episode is perfect for such a time as this.

Don't that sound real?

Say for such a time as this.

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And it's perfect for such a time as this for my life because as y'all know, well I assume everybody knows, but if you don't, I propose to my beautiful woman huh just a few weeks ago, yeah, on July the thirteenth, and we will be getting married on November the twenty second, and I'm inviting everyone on the live stream.

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I wouldn't want to do this without you.

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See at the end of this episode with the letter You'd be blessed.

I wish I'd known how to solve conflicts without arguing.

We all argue, and now you won the argument, but they lost, and it's no fun to live with a loser.

So why would you want to create one?

Welcome back to the Diffute WiFi podcast, Doctor Gary Chapman.

You got this amazing book called Things I Wish I'd Known Before We got married?

News.

Your books old up half a million copies.

What do you think about that.

I'm encouraged because I know that couples who are getting married today need the kind of help that I'm giving in this book.

I wish I had known that ben in love is not an adequate foundation for building a successful marriage.

I was always told that feeling's going to last forever.

That's not true.

The average life span of that U FOURIG state that we call being in love is two years.

My wife and I had dated two years before we got married, so I came down pretty soon after the honeymoon.

That kind of love is That's not the foundation for a long term marriage.

When we come down off that high, we need to know what the other person's primary love language is.

She said.

Toilets are not self cleaning.

We're about three weeks into the marriage and I noticed that there was getting to be a ring in the toilet and I mentioned it to Carolyn and she said, yeah, I know.

I was wondering when you're going to clean it.

I said, I don't know how to clean toilets.

She said, well, I can teach you.

It's really important for couples to talk about who is going to do what as we get married.

The way y'all do.

Life has it changed much, not that much.

We've lived in the same house where are now since nineteen ninety six.

I realized what the scriptures say, life's meaning is not found in what a man possesses.

Life's meaning has found in relationships, first of all with God, and then family and then other people.

She's been very frugal.

In fact, she cooks every night except thirsty.

When I was praying, I said, thank you, Doug for all the meals that Carolyn has fixed over sixty three years.

Wow.

Yeah, the fifty to fifty that's been a big topic on social media women say as a man, he should provide one hundred percent of everything.

Money is my money, his money is our money.

How do you deal with that?

When I say?

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Well, ah, this just keeps getting better and better.

I have my friend doctor Gary Chapman on the Dear Future Wifie Podcast.

Today.

We're going to talk about something very interesting.

This is perfectly in a line with what we talk about in the Dear Future Wife podcast.

So without further ado, welcome back to the Dear Future Wifie podcast My homie doctor Gary Chapman.

Now, doctor Gary Chapman, you got this amazing book called Things I Wish I'd known before we got married.

And one thing about doctor Chapman.

I always ask him how many copies at that book sell?

He's like, I don't know, I don't know.

Why don't you know how many copies your books helf?

It's hard to keep up with him when you got so many books out there.

See that, it's hard to keep up when you have so many books out there, and this book I had to tell him that the book, after his reprint in twenty twenty two, has sold over half a million copies.

And you know, he's talking about him like he's the first off, what do you think about the you know news your book sold up half a million copies?

What do you think about that?

Well, I'm encouraged because I know that couples who are getting married today need the kind of help that I'm giving in this book, trying to help couples get ready for marriage, to have a successful marriage and face reality rather than just going on, you know, their feelings of how happy they are right now when they're in love.

Most people spend far more time in preparation for their vocation than they do in preparation for a marriage.

When I tell you that is so true, Yeah, what do you think about that?

Well, you know, go four years a minimum to college for their vocation.

Four years.

Yeah, probably don't read a single book about marriage, not.

One class, not one seminar, not one counseling session.

Was like, let's get married, we love each other.

What made you write this book?

Things I wish i'd known before we got married.

Well, you know, I've been doing a pre marital counseling for a long, long time, many years, and I thought, you know, I'd like to put the concepts we've been dealing with you in person in a book and help a lot of couples who are getting married who wouldn't I wouldn't be able to sit down with.

And what I found is a lot of pastors and a lot of marriage counselors are using this as a part of their pre marital counseling, you know, with the people that are coming to them.

So but that's what motivated me to write it, is to give couples that are moving toward marriage a more realistic idea, at least of some of the things they need to consider and work through, you know, as they move in toward marriage.

Oh, let me read these.

Look all these books you've written.

The Five Love Languages, The Five Love Languages Men Edition, The Five Love Languages Military Edition.

Never thought about that, The Five Love Languages Gift Edition, The Five Love Languages of Children of Teenagers, Singles Edition of the Five Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace, The Love Languages Devotional Bible.

God speaks your love language, the marriage you've always wanted, the family you've always wanted, One more try.

He spoke about that in the early episode, how to really love your adult child, loving your spouse when you feel like walking away.

That's that's that's probably a really really good one.

Anger The Five Apology Languages one O one Conversation starter series, a perfect path for Peyton.

I took the anger assessment.

Yeah, it says that I do pretty well, and it says there's some some area, some growth, but I do pretty well.

And so that was pretty good.

That's a lot of books, and this is still not all of them.

And what is a perfect path for Peyton.

That's a children's book on the Five Love Languages.

The storyline is they take a peyton to it's his birthday and they take him to the pet store to get him a pet for his birthday, but they also take his friends with him.

Well, there they made mister Chapman, who's in head of the pet control pet thing, and he introduced him to the various animals, and different children are attracted to different animals, but the animals represent different love languages.

So it's just a fun way for little kids.

I mean, it's really designed for little kids four years old, five years old.

The fun book for kids to read.

They not to read for the parson read them, Here we.

Go, We're gonna just jump off.

I wish I had known that ben in love is not an adequate foundation for building a successful marriage.

You experienced that yourself, right, I.

Did, because I was always told.

I remember I asked my mother, how do you know when you're really in love?

And she said, if it's real, you'll know it.

I didn't help me at all, you know, but I also heard all my life.

I heard, if you're really in love, that feelings is going to last forever.

That's not true.

I wish I had known it.

I mean, you know, Dorothy Tenney, Bridgeport, Connecticut, long term study, and she discovered the average lifespan of that upoorig state that we call being in love is two years two years, some a little longer, some a little less, but average two years.

And we come down off the high.

But I didn't know that.

And you know, so my wife and I had dated two years before we got married, So I came down pretty soon after the honeymoon.

And I think if I had known that was going to happen, I would have probably been able to handle it better.

But I was totally shocked.

I lost the positive feelings, and then after we had arguments, I lost that I had negative feelings toward her, exactly the opposite.

It was a hard, hard time for me.

I just wish I'd been prepared for the reality that I was going to come down off that high.

And that's why I say that kind of love is not the foundation for a long term marriage.

It's not going to stay with you forever, so you know that's and then, of course, the second chapter in that book moves to the fact I wish they'd known there's two stages of romantic love.

There's that in love experience, but then there's the more intentional love and That's where I kind of review the five love languages that when we come down off that high, we need to know what the other person's primary love language is so we can speak it.

If we do, we will keep the emotional need for love.

The emotional love tank will stay full.

It's not the u Fouri state, but it is that deep sense that they love me, you know, and they feel that I love them, and so we can we can keep emotional love alive.

But I wish I'd known that there's two stages, and the second stage is much more intentional and takes it takes a much more sensitive reality to what makes the other person feel loved.

Let me ask you this because I think you stepping on toes in this third chapter where it says sounds like like motherlike daughter or like father like son aren't myths.

Yeah, you know many people have heard that saying, you know that the son like father like you know, like this son.

And what I'm saying is there's some truth to that old saying.

So that's why I'm suggesting that couples that are thinking about getting married, if possible, spend time with each other's family members and observe if their father for example, is very domineering, and you know you hear him speaking harshly to his wife or that's the son.

The two of you need to talk about that.

Yeah, and he will like you.

Some will like to say, well, I'm not going to be like my father.

Well what are you doing not to be like your father?

That part, you know, and if your father, if his father was an alcoholic, much higher percentage, he'll be an alcoholic.

That he doesn't have to be.

No, no, no, you know, but he needs to learn about alcohol alcoholism.

He needs to be studying it and then find out what he needs to decisions he needs to make now.

So and the same thing true with her mother.

You know, if her mother always interrupts her father.

You know he's telling something and she says, no, honey, it was Wednesday, not Thursday.

She just interrupts him on little things like that.

There's a good chance the woman you're gonna marry is gonna be like that.

So you need to discuss that.

And if she realizes, oh, I didn't know, Yeah, okay, well let me think about this.

If we're aware of those things before we get married, we can discuss them before we get married, and we can maybe learn some things about how not if it's a negative thing.

If it's positive, it's wonderful, you know so, but if it is negative and we don't want her to be like that or him to be like that, let's discuss those things now, so we kind of know what we got to work on.

You know.

That's what I'm saying in that chapter.

What are some things that you saw that or Carolyn saw and you that was just like your daddy.

I think she saw that I was a hard worker because I remember one summer I was at home and I volunteered to paint her mother's house for free, paint her house, uh huh outside, And so from the very beginning, her mother was on my side, you.

Gonna paint a whole house by yourself.

Yeah, And say, when I was a teenager, my dad did some painting on the side.

It wasn't his main job, and he did some painting on the side, and he taught me how to paint.

So I knew how to paint, you know.

And I thought her mother was a single mom.

Her her husband had died several years earlier, and I thought, well, you know, I just said I can't do that for her.

It'd be something nice to do for her.

You want some points that you want some points on the whole house is a good job.

Yeah, I think so, she thought so.

So how did that speak to Carolyn though, to see her her boyfriend do something like that.

I just think she saw that I was a worker, you know then, and then I had a heart to help other people.

But think about this her love language of service, and you did that for her mom.

That spoke highly.

I know that probably spoke extremely highly, because don't the love languages work like that?

To him?

Is that even if you're not receiving it, if someone that you love is receiving it from the person that you love, it speaks to you know, it speaks to them as well, right, yeah, absolutely, absolutely?

Yeah.

And how long had you been dating her before you did that.

I can't remember really how long we've been dating when I did that.

I don't remember what juncture it was in our relationship, but I do remember doing I knew her mother, her mother told her you'll never do better than him.

I was like, yes, got it, thank you.

Let her know.

Let her know, you said, you already have a book about the apology language.

So we'll jump right there where you said that toilets are not self cleaning.

Well, you know, I never remember growing up she my mother or my father cleaning toilet.

I just know they were always clean.

You know.

So we got married and we're about three weeks into the marriage, and I noticed that there was getting to be a ring in the toilet, and I mentioned it to Carolyn and she said, yeah, I know.

I was wondering when you're going to clean it.

I said, I don't know how to clean toilets.

She said, well, I can teach you.

Not that I can do it, but I can teach you how to do so.

One of them is what I'm saying in that chapter is there's a whole lot of things that have to be done on a daily basis or a weekly basis when you get married.

Before you get married, why don't you sit down and make a list of all those things.

Who's going to cook?

Are you not gonna cook at all?

You're just gonna bring in food from the outside.

You know, who's gonna wash the clothes, who's going to wash the dishes?

Just right on down the line, just my list of everything you can think of.

Who's going to clean the toilet?

You know, make a list of all those things, and then let him take the list separately, let him put beside those those things to be done, the things he thinks he will do, and the things and he thinks he think you'll do.

And you do the same thing, then get together and see if you agreed.

But some of them, he's gonna have you down.

You're gonna have him down.

And those are the ones you need to discuss.

Okay, honey, you think you, I think you should do it.

I think you Okay, why do you think that to talk about it?

Because it's better if you already have in mind who's going to do these things before you get married.

Now, doesn't mean you can't change some of them along the way.

I remember when we got married, we were in seminary and we didn't have much money at all, and I was, you know, going to school full time and working part time, and so my life agreed.

She had a part time job at the school.

She agreed that she would pay the bills every month that came in and just you know, balance the check book and all that sort of stuff, and so I was I was great for me.

I was happy for her to do that.

Well, about six months into our marriage.

She said to me one day, she said, honey, you think you could take over the balance and the check book and paying the bills and all.

I said, well I can, honey, I said why?

She said, it hurts my stomach.

She has a very sensitive stomach to everything.

But it was just so much pressure because, as I said, we didn't have much money, and you know, just trying to get the bills paid and all and figuring it all out.

And that's not the problem anymore, huh, doctor Gary Chappan, that's not a problem, not at the present time.

So humble, so humble.

But I think it's it's it's really importan for couples to talk about who is going to do what?

Yeah, as we get married, because chances are whatever her father did, she expects you to do exactly and whatever your mother did her mother did you know you expect whatever your mother did, you expect your wife to do.

Yeah, And that's that's unfair.

Let me tell you how did how did lifestyle change?

That's a good point.

Started off, y'all were together, didn't have much money.

As not your testimony anymore.

How has your lifestyle changed and the way y'all do life has it changed much, to be honest with you, not that much.

Really.

Do y'all still that y'all upgrade the house that you live that you move.

We've moved a few times, you know.

We've been in the same town now for since nineteen sixty seven, oh wow.

And we started out we were living in a little condo and I was working at another church and I was teaching in a small college there for three years, and then we then we moved, you know, two or three different times.

But we've lived in the same house we're announce since nineteen ninety six, really.

And it's when I graduated high school.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, and it's you know, it's a two story house, but it's nothing fancy, it's but it's everything we need.

In fact, we've agreed as long as we're healthy, we're going to stay in that house the rest of our lives.

You know.

So where is it?

Have you always been more of a simple guy like that?

Yeah, like you don't get caught up and you want to Bentley and all that stuff.

No, No, I've never had that since, you know, warning all those things, because you know, I realized what the scriptures say, life's meaning is not found in what a man possesses.

Life's meaning is found in relationships, first of all with God, and then family and then other people.

Well, can't you have a relationship with your Bentley?

It's hard for me to have a relationship with a Bentley.

I wrote it one once in England?

What did you think a guy had?

One saidould, I could take a ride.

So I took a ride.

I felt, you know, it's a car.

You know.

So you married someone that was as simple as you are with the simple things in life.

Yeah, my wife grew up in a family.

Her mother had ten children, ten children, Two of them died young, but eight of them lived to adulthood.

And he said, has a single mom.

He was.

She was a single mom when when I started dating.

Care her father had died earlier.

But uh, very simple, very simple family and home house.

And I grew up in a very you know, small house.

But uh, but we were taught, you know.

In the summertime, I worked in the garden with my dad.

We planted, you know things and all my mother canned the food.

It was before freezers, there were no freezers.

She would can the food and yeah, las and jars and all of that, you know, and but I think I just learned early that happiness doesn't come from possessing a lot of things.

I'm not opposed to it.

If people want to spend their money that way, that's fine with me.

But life span is not found in things, you know, It's really found in relationships.

So that's that's what I've tried to invest my life in.

That's beautiful, and it's amazing how you met a woman that has the same ideas and thoughts, because as you were making more money, she could have said, I want this big old house because so and so has this amazing match, and I need a five million dollar house.

I want Oh, I need this type of perse, I need a ten thousand dollars person all that, and you would have gave it to him.

Huh.

I don't know we're gonna do with all the money.

But fortunately she never had that attitude.

She's been very frugal.

You know, she grew up.

She had to be frugal because when when when I started dating, it was just her and her sister.

She's the second youngest and her younger sister was the two of them still at home and her mother was working in a textile meal and so at night, she had to fix dinner for her for her sister, and so she was in after college and after high school, she had to work two or three years worked as.

A telephone operator.

They don't have those people anymore, in order to save money to go to college, you know.

So she's always been very frugal.

And uh, in fact, just yesterday we were we were out buying a mattress.

We needed it, need to get a new mattress.

And she said, uh, honey, I know the man that runs his place, and when we when we brought furniture over there, he gave us a discount.

So I think we should go over there.

That's just the way she thinks.

You know, I first got them.

Yeah, yeah, twenty years ago.

I the what did you do for for your anniversary?

You know yesterday?

I said to her, because it was it was yesterday, was August, August the twelfth, It was when we when we did we're recording this teenth, of course.

But I said, honey, which restaurants you want to go out to tonight?

And she said, honey, the nice restaurants aren't open on Monday.

They don't open on Monday.

I said, okay, so you want to go get some pizza and she says, no, I want to cook a meal for us tonight.

Oh.

She's a good cook.

In fact, she cooks every night except Thursday.

Thursday night we go out and eat every week.

But other than that, she cooks a meal every night.

She's been doing that how many years long?

In fact, I just told her last night, I said, after the meal, I said, honey.

In fact, when I was praying, I said, thank you Carolyn Doug for all the meals that Carolyn is fixed over sixty three years.

Wow.

I mean, imagine, you know, it's just amazing.

But she enjoys cooking, you know, and she has the energy to do it even now, even at her age.

And so I told her, I said, well, honey, we can't go out any night.

You want to go out, you know, but she prefers to cook a meal at home, and I prefer what she cooks.

What does she cook for your anniversary?

It was a special squash that had cheese on it, and it was a it was a pot roast, pork pot roast, and it was a salad of tomatoes and another thing I can't think the name of it.

I think that oh, in corn on cob.

She made that just for you and her.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How does that feel to have that, To have a wife that enjoys cooking for you?

It's wonderful.

I mean, I don't mind going out, you know, I'd be happy to go out more often, but it's just wonderful that she enjoys doing it.

She wants to do it, and so you know, it's wonderful.

Did you teach your daughter to cook?

She did?

And our daughter does cook and our son cooks.

Yeah, yeah, both of them know those loss talents these days.

Oh I know, yeah, I know, because you.

Know council people where they probably complained about the counseling sessions off.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

My daughter is a medical doctor.

She delivers high risk babies and she loves what she does.

But her husband is also a cook, so she didn't do all the cooking.

Yeah, he does a lot of the cooking.

Of course he's a medical doctor too, but he does a lot of the He loves cooking.

He taught his son to cook good, and he taught his daughter to cook.

In fact, his daughter could cook a full meal at fourteen years of age, fourteen fourteen and she's as long as I ain't remember she always makes her own birthday cakes, and yeah and she you know, they're just all the unique birthday cakes.

Yes, she makes her own birth Yeah.

Yeah, whoever gets that gal gonna get a good gal.

She's twenty five and still single.

Let me ask you this, do you think there's an age that's too young to get married, even though it may be legal.

Let's say, from I'm eighteen, nineteen twenty, do you feel like it's too young?

You know?

Intell?

Actually I have to say yes, because I think when we're that young, we're far more likely to make a decision based on our feelings of love for this person, are based on the fact that we're so unhappy at home we just can't wait to get out of home, and were married to get out of home.

I think we're far more likely if we wait a little longer, you know, when we're a little older, a little more mature, we're far more likely to make a wise decision.

But I can't tell people what to do.

Yeah, you know, you know I got married at twenty three.

My wife was twenty two, and we thought we were old.

But now that's not I mean, people tend to get married older now, not everybody, but there's still I.

Thought I was y'all getting married later in age at twenty two and twenty three.

Yeah, we did, we did.

Wow, people were get married with fresh out of high school eighteen Yeah.

Yeah.

A lot of people that we knew that I went to high school with got married right out of high school.

Well, just to hear that, it sounds strange to know that you come from an error where they were getting married at eighteen and twenty three was late, Yeah, right late.

Yeah.

Did you get a lot of pressure from from family saying when you're gonna married?

No?

No, because I went to college and they understood, you know, in college was an important thing.

And I didn't even think about getting married when I was in college because that's just you know, college's full time job.

Yeah, but I did get As I said, I did get married before I went to seminary for graduate school.

So I'd been out of college one year before I went to seminary, so I was twenty three.

But yeah, but you know, I'm not trying to push people in any particular age.

I just think that the more we a little older, we're going to be more realistic about what we're doing.

What kind of the young man.

Were you before you got married?

Was you a ladies man?

Was you the class clown?

Or were you the school nerd?

Or like what?

Well I was?

I was very much a student in high school.

Uh.

I didn't see myself as a leader in high school, even though they elected me as the president of the senior class present, which.

Never crossed my mind.

I was kind of shocked because I I was not a party person, you know, I was not out in parties and all that stuff.

And I think everybody would have said, I'm a quiet person, you know.

Uh So, did you grow up in Winston?

No.

I grew up in a little town called China Grove.

Where is that at?

What state?

It's in North Carolina and it's about a forty five minute drive from where I live now.

And it's not the song.

It's not the town the Doobie Brothers sing about.

They sang a song on China Grove.

It was name for the chattaberry tree, okay, sometimes called an umbrella tree.

It has these little berries and apparently there were groves of them, and so they named the town that.

It's a little textile town where most people worked in the meals and made towels, and sheets and pillow cases and all that sort of thing.

Do you ever go back?

Yeah, I go back.

Of course, my mom and dad are both gone.

My sister's also gone, and that was just my sister's the only sibling I had.

But some of my sister's children are still down there.

So yeah, we go down, you know, two or three times a year, and we do, for example Christmas and also in July the fourth we go down and meet with family down there.

How does your family see you, like your nieces and nephews and all that.

How they do they see you as doctor Gary Chapman or they just like that's my uncle.

I think it's Uncle Gary, and that's how do I like that?

Oh?

Uncle Gary?

Right there?

So, what is one of the main things that you learned about mayor?

Or?

I was going to ask you this, What was one thing that you learned about yourself?

Marriage becomes a mirror reflecting who we are and the deepest level, what did you learn about you and your marriage?

I think I learned that I was much more selfish than I ever thought's accountability right there.

I saw myself as a person that gave, I really did.

And yet you know, I realized that I was expecting my wife to do what I wanted her to do in the way I wanted to do it.

Load the dishwasher in the correct way.

You know.

She she loads it like she's playing frisbee, you know.

And I just realized I was.

I was much more selfish about a lot of things than I than I realized.

And well, I know we all are by nature, we're all self centered by nature.

But you know, selfishness is the opposite of love.

Love is an attitude of giving to people, trying to enrich people's lives.

Selfishness is an attitude of I want to get something good for me.

You know.

I want you to talk more about the dish washing story and how it hits you later on in life and your marriage.

And so you had a problem with the way Carolyn loads a dishwasher.

As you said, she loads it like she's playing frisbee with the dishes, and everywhere is everywhere, and you had y'all have roles and assignments.

She loads washes and you unloads because a lot of people, why would you care she's the one that's unloaded and putting the dishes up.

But it's because your responsibility is that you had to unload that, and how did y'all manage that space?

Yeah, I'm a morning person, so it's logical that I would unload the dishwashing.

You know.

When we got married, I thought we'd have breakfast together every morning, you know, just been a nice time to spend time together.

She's not a morning person.

I mean, she doesn't wake up till ten she gets but she didn't wake up, you know, and so I had to unload it every morning.

And it was just I mean, it would be amazing if you could see what it looked like.

I mean, the knife would be laying horizontal instead of up and down, and then here's one kind of plate, and over here's another kind of play.

I mean, it was just awful.

And I tried to help her, you know, and tell her, you know, and remember I was in seminary.

God is a god of order, I mean, use the script, preach sermons to her.

And one night, she said, Honey, if it's so important to you, why don't you just load the dishwasher.

I said, Oh, I hadn't thought of that.

I said, but no, honey, I don't mind doing that, but now you some nights I have to leave after dinner and go back to the office and all, and you'd have to do it on those nights.

And she said, well, I don't mind doing it, and I'm thinking, I know you don't, but I got to unloaded.

So it bothered me a lot, but I accepted that that was the solution.

Okay, I will be the main and all.

Just accept the fact that on the night that she loads it, it's going to be a mess.

But you know, several years later, twelve years ago now, she came down with cancer.

Yeah, had surgery, did all the chemotherapy, lost her hair, lost I don't know, thirty pounds and she only weighed one hundred and thirty.

She just got down to one hundred.

Hard hard year.

She calls it her lost year because she couldn't do it much of anything.

And more recent than that, I wrote a book on the second half of marriage.

It's called Married and Still Loving It The Joys and Challenges of the second half.

And we were trying to see in that book.

I was trying to see what are the traits of couples who thrive in the second half and those who just survive in the second half.

And one of the things we discovered is that those who are really thriving not only come to accept the things that used to irritate them about their spouse, but they come to laugh at them, laugh about them.

So when she had the cancer and she went through that year, of course she wasn't doing cooking our washing during that time, but well when she went back to loading the dishwasher when I wasn't there that evening, I would look in the dishwasher the next morning and look at all the mess and say, thank you God, she's still alive.

And then I would laugh.

You know, when you.

Kind of get things in perspective when one of you faces death and comes back and is still here with you, you know.

So yeah, who boy, when I say that, that puts perspective around a lot.

When you say that to say, you know, the moment that you could have lost her, that the things that irritated you the most be the things that you can laugh about.

And like you said, one of the things that people what's very well I believe that's undervalued in marriage is the value of laughter.

When you can laugh with your spouse, that is so healthy.

I want you to speak on that.

Being able to laugh and as a as a therapist.

What have you what have you learned to know about that?

Well, I think there's no question about it.

Laughter is good for your health, and those who have studied it, you know, give examples of the kind of things that are that's healthy about it.

But I think it's it's it's important, and we need to find places in ways that we can laugh individually as well as you know, with your spouse and with friends.

Yeah, laughter is just healthy, and there's a lot of stuff to laugh.

About in the world, you know.

Uh, So Caroly and I, you know, sometimes we're sitting at the table talking and she'd shares something that happened to her that day with somebody she met at the mall or somewhere, and uh and then she and we sometimes we laugh about it because what she's what they said, or what she experienced with them.

But it's funny, you know.

And uh, and I think sometimes you laugh at yourself.

You know.

Also there's how your life picked up and changed where you're traveling a lot.

How did did that cause any type of uh discording your marriage?

You know, she has always been very supportive of my speaking engagements in all and uh, I don't know, I think I think she first of all, she's healthy being with herself, and she has lots of friends.

Okay, so she you know, she's always she spends some of her time calling older people who are in rest homes and that kind of thing, and she knows they don't have many friends and she's calling them.

But she's also when I'm gone, going out to lunch with friends and dinner with friends sometimes some nights.

So uh, I think she she makes the most of that time when I'm not there, And I don't know, maybe she's kind of relieved she didn't have to cook.

Take the day off.

I'm gonna take the day off.

But she's always been very supportive.

She said, look, that's what God has called you to do.

That's that's your mission in life.

That's a part of your mission.

Anyway you go.

And she and she prays for me all the time that God will help me.

So y'all never had any type of discord as you were growing up having kids in the home.

Your job is shifting because it's like neither one of y'all knew what y'all were signing up for in marriage.

No, when it comes to occupation, no, and we had we had lots and lots of conflicts in our in our marriage.

Uh, but by the time the kids came along, we had learned how to solve conflicts.

And that's one of the things I deal with in this book on things I wish I had known before we got married.

I wish I had known how to solve conflicts without arguing.

Explain, you know, because.

By nature we all argue because you know, I know I'm right, she knows she's right, and so we argue with each other trying to convince the other person logically that my position is the right position.

And all couples have conflicts, Yeah, it's just many of them have never learned how to solve them without arguing, and so they argue to each other and finally one of them just says, okay, have it your way.

Yep, you know, and and now you won the argument.

But they lost, and it's no fun to live with a loser, So why would you want to create one?

And so in that book, I'm talking about how do you solve conflicts without arguing?

And a part of that is you've got to learn to listen empathetically to your spouse, on which I mean you try to see the world through their eyes.

When they're explaining something to you, you try to look at the world through their eyes.

Now you can ask questions to clarify.

You know, is this what you're saying or what I hear you saying?

Is this?

And if you listen to them and ask questions to clarify, you can come to see how what they're saying makes sense in their head.

And it always makes sense in their head.

If you listen long enough, you can honestly say, well, honey, now that I hear you out, I can see how that makes sense.

Now here's my perspective.

And then they give you the same thing.

They listen to you and they hear your perspective, and then they listen long enough to say to you honestly, well, I can see how that makes sense.

So obviously we differ on this.

Now how can we solve the problem, and we spend our energy looking for a solution rather than spending our energy trying to win an argument.

Win in an argument never helps a relationship.

We're on the same team.

We're not competing with each other.

We're players on the same team.

So let's learn how each of us can you know, and solving a conflict.

There's basically a couple of ways you can solve a conflict.

One of you can decide to go over to the other's position after you've hurt each other and so, well, honey, I really think after talking this out, I think let's do what you have in mind.

I'm okay with that, and so you can just go over to their side.

Sometimes it's meeting in the middle, you know, we can't quite go over there.

But honey, what about this.

You know, one of the things young couples face right away in the first year of marriage, especially if their parents live in different cities where we're going for Christmas?

Yes, they both want you home for Christmas.

Well, you may not be possible.

Both of them are home.

He's too far away.

Well, okay, maybe a middle road would be, honey, why don't we go to your parents this Christmas?

Next year my parents, but on Thanksgiving we'll go to my parents, you know, And so each parent kind of can see that that okay, that's fair enough, you know, But it's looking for that middle ground where we can come together on whatever the decision and agree, Okay, this is not exactly what you wanted or what I wanted, but this works for both of us, you know.

And when I say it's a big deal, like about like where you're going for Christmas and all that.

I remember when I was married, I would just always go to and we live in the same city, but my ex wife always wanted to go to her mom's house, you know, every time, and she would just never go.

I was like, well, I want to see my mama too late, and never Thanksgiving and Christmas will always be at her family's house.

And I was just like, And I remember at one point I got a little resentment.

I was like, and I was like, well, I went there for a couple hours and not something to go ahead to my mom's house.

Want you to come by?

She said, well, if I leave here'm gonna go to my uncle's house.

And I was like, okay.

You know, it's like instead of having a conversation.

And what I recognize in my marriage is that I just didn't have leadership skills whatsoever.

I didn't.

I didn't I didn't know to sit down and have those conversations.

You just want somebody to get it.

You want them to take your social cues and be like I don't think he liked that too much.

Let me change instead of you know, being a man and saying, hey, we needn't talk about this.

Let's sit down and negotiate how we're gonna move as a married couple, how we're gonna move when it comes to Thanksgiving, a Christmas, how we're gonna move as a family.

Let's put milestones and benchmarks in place on tangible goals that we want to reach as a couple instead of just flying by the seat of our pants and letting whatever happened happen to us.

But that's why I applied people like you who have the re search, the data, the anointing over your life, to take all of those all that data and information and create bite size revolutionary concepts that will help us have better and productive marriages.

And that's the reason why the title that book automatically jumped out jumped at me.

And when Janis mentioned I was like, oh, I got to talk to him about that, because it's very simple.

It's like when you, especially when you come through a divorce, you look back and be like, man, I wish I would have known this.

I remember the first year of marriage.

I said that I was like, I don't think I was prepared for this.

No one told me that, and they used to always like they used to minimize it and be like, oh, you'll figure it out, you know what I'm saying.

But while you're figuring it out, you're trampling on the hearts of somebody else, you know.

Instead of just no, let's get some practical tools to be able to safeguard our marriage, to fireproof our marriage, and to make sure that we have productive marriages.

Because you said something key at the very get this, she said, you know, not just survive, but thrive.

Most times, people we just saw are our people that our friends and family just survive in marriage, you know, instead of thrive.

We don't hear people have happy, productive marriage.

They were like, oh, we made it thirty years and it's like there's no joy in it whatsoever.

What are some other nuggets you want to share as we continue to wrap up.

I'm gonna give you this concept in the book, which was something really cool that we needed a plan for handling money.

How many times do you find that most marriages end because of money issues?

Well, I'm told that the research indicates that it's the number one problem with couples is managing money.

So what I'm saying to young couples is you need to get a plan before you get married.

How are you going to handle money?

Yep, you know.

One of the things I suggest is an ideal starting place, for example, is in particularly if you're a Christian, is let's agree that we'll give ten percent of our income to God.

We will save ten percent, and then we'll live on eighty percent.

Doesn't matter whether we're both working or just one of us is working, but that'll kind of be our overall arching plan.

So we're going to try to live on eighty percent of what we have, which is just just a ballpark figure.

But then.

We need to have an idea of what it's going to cost before we get married.

We often don't have a real clear idea of what what all the costs are because we've never paid rent before, we've never paid a house payment, we've never paid an electric bill, we've never you know, all those things.

And those are people who got married really young, young, straight from their parents' house.

About people getting married later on in life, then other times they know something about that that's right, Yeah, that's right.

And then.

Who is going to handle the money in terms of balancing the checkbook?

Every every month, you know, and who's going to pay the bills that come now?

Of course, now a lot of it's done online.

A lot of people do it online.

Now is just automatically paid, as long as you got the money in there to take care of it.

But also one of the points I make in there is whatever plan you have, I'm suggesting that each of you has some money every month that you can spend the way you want to spend, so that you don't have to go to the other spouse and say, honey, could I have ten dollars for this?

I mean, that's like you're the parent, I'm the child.

You know, no, and it doesn't matter to me how much.

It depends on how much you make.

But but you know, if we can save fifty dollars a month whatever or whatever, you know it, you do what you want to with that, and if you want to buy something more expensive, you can save save you're fifty dollars as part of it.

But having some sense of freedom to spend, you know, but it has to be within a framework because otherwise, you know, they're spenders and their savers and they usually marry each other.

So if one of you is just buying stuff at random.

Whenever you see it, you like it, you want it, it's own sale, you buy it.

I mean, you can run the bill up and you can you find yourself in debt and you're paying a high percentage entest on your credit cards and all that.

So, and that's where it really becomes a battle, because you know, one is feeling, wait a minute, you spent two hundred dollars for what, and it gets it.

We get into arguments, and I think that's why money is likely the very one of the biggest things that couples struggle with because we don't have any plan.

And I'm suggesting also in that book that maybe you could say something like, what if we agree that neither of us will buy anything over this amount.

Without consulting the other.

I totally agree with that, you know, and if you agree on that, then you're looking at it and you're thinking, well, that's a good deal.

I should get that.

But it's one hundred and fifty dollars and we agreed nothing over fifty or one hundred, whatever it was.

So I got to talk to him about it.

I got to talk to her about it.

Make sure it's okay, you're less likely to be arguing about it once you buy it, and then they get home and they say, you did what.

Yeah, again, we're a team, so let's handle our money like we were a team, and let's work together in spending and in saving with you.

And your wife then both frugal.

That y'all have issues like that.

It was not a really problem for us.

Of course in the early years when I was in seminar, we didn't have any money, have no money to argue about, no problem, no problem.

And of course back then bread was fifteen cents, a loaf fifteen cent, and you could buy baby food.

We had our first child and we were in somebody.

You could buy baby food for five cents for a little thing.

We will never see that time for again.

Gas gas?

What was gas like twenty nine nine?

Yep?

I remember when I was I guess I was ten eleven.

I used to mow yards and I made the gas was like like that, like fifty nine cents or twenty five.

It was thirty four, so it was real low.

It was real low, and I was like wow, and then you see gas four dollars and summer gallon.

I remember getting that gallon of gas for fifty cents.

You know what I'm saying.

Yeah, oh yeah, it's real different, real real different.

You get those potato chips, you get four for a dollar, those twenty five cent bags, and it was literally more than what they have now, no dollar bellue.

It's just times have changed, and when you look at how life has changed, how do you like when you're having conversations with people that are getting married, how much are you seeing the social climate affecting their their their relationships.

I think it affects everybody.

You know, we're we're part of what's going on, and so you know, we were certainly are influenced by that.

When we think about social media, have you saw have you counseled people where they like?

And he's always on Instagram and he's always on this You're hearing conversations that you and your wife never dealt with.

Yeah, you're right, I say, I tell them, I can't tell you what to do, But why don't you set limits on how much time you spend on the screen?

And I talk with parents about that too, In fact, I wrote a book on that whole topic.

Uh, we're going screen kids, you know, Uh, but why don't you set some limits?

On yourself rather than spending all your free time, you know, on online doing stuff, playing games or whatever you're doing that that that can be a part of your life, but you have to self discipline.

If you just do what comes is kind of coming natural for you, and all your free moments you're spending, you're going to miss out on a whole lot of life, and you're gonna miss out on relationships, and in a marriage, you're gonna have problems because nobody wants to be married to somebody who's spending all their free time online, you know.

So, but it's it's yeah, it's a huge challenge in today's culture because that's kind of where we are and that's kind of what so many people are doing.

Do you feel hopeful?

I do feel hopeful for people who have the sense that we are in control of our lives and we can make decisions that we don't have to be doing what everybody else is doing, you know, or what we see online.

We all have the same amount of time every single day, Yeah, and we choose how we're gonna spend it.

Some of it, I hope we're gonna spend working.

You know, Working is a part of life.

It was designed from the very beginning.

God gave Adam and Eve a job.

Things going here, and I think you know, it's just a part of life.

In fact, the script New Testaments chriptures say if a man will not work, either should he eat?

Yep, as simple as that.

Yeah, it's you take responsibility to work, you get to eat.

You know, you don't work, you don't eat.

So we both, we both and you don't have to work outside the home.

If one of you can make enough money for you to live on, you know, more more common today of course that both of you are working outside of the home.

But if a wife has a desire to be a stay at home mom, especially when the kids come along, you know, then fine, if he can make enough money so that she doesn't have to work, then that's that's a fine arrangement.

Have you have you run into those problems in counseling.

The fifty to fifty one hundred that's been a big topic on social media where you know, women say, I'm not going to be fifty fifty with my my spouse on the bills or whatn't I as a man, he should provide one hundred percent of everything and my money is my money and his money is our money.

You know.

How do you deal with that?

Yeah?

I deal with that in the book.

And what I'm saying when I say is this, when you get married, it's no longer my money and your moneyep It's our money.

And another part of that is it's no longer your debt and my debt.

It's our debt.

If you're marrying somebody and they have a twenty thousand dollar school bill, college bill, then we have a twenty thousand dollars.

That's why I'm saying to Scupples again in that book on money, share with each other the truth about whatever assets you have and whatever liabilities you have.

Do you have money in the bank, You have five hundred dollars in the making savings.

He has fifty dollars in savings.

It's going to be five hundred and fifty dollars.

Hours doesn't matter because it's no longer.

It's not longer mine and yours.

It's our money.

So together, we've got to be honest going into marriage.

I've had couples share with me that they had no idea that the person they married had a thirty thousand dollar debt a college or somewhere else.

They had no idea until they got married, And I said, that is totally unfair not to share before you get married what your liabilities are, so that you know when we get married, this is our responsible.

Yeah, yeah, I bet you see a lot in these counseling sessions.

You know, as we wrap up, I want to talk about what advice would you give.

I know you got this amazing book, but I want you to speak directly to the camera, and I want you to speak to that woman who's grown a little weary in her well doing.

She doesn't believe her spouse is out there.

She feels like the way these guys are moving nowadays, they're not intentional.

A lot of men feel like, you know, women are requiring way too much from them than they require for themselves.

They want a man to have a great credit score, they want the man to have a job that's playing six figures or whatnot, but they're saying the women aren't equal in that same thing.

You have a women that don't cook, you have women.

So it's like these traditional roles that men feel like women hold them up to, but they don't hold themselves up to that same standard.

So that's a loaded response.

But I want you a man, a man that is walking and anointing in all things relationships, to look at that camera and speak to that man and that woman.

Well, I think you know, if you are a gal and you're not married, but you want to be married and you're getting older, I understand you can begin to get the sense of.

What's happening.

I can't find the man you know, And let's face it, you may not find the man you're looking for that has all those things that you have in mind.

There may be some of those that you will have to realize, Oh, well, you know, maybe I can settle that he's not this or that or the other thing.

But you should have some guidelines as to what person you want to me.

The most important guideline is what is their relationship with God?

And I deal with that in this book.

We got to share our spiritual relationship because our relationship with God impacts everything.

And for a dedicated Christian to think of marrying somebody who's not a Christian at all, just because you're in love with them, you're setting yourself up for a lot of struggles in the future.

So there's certain things you have to have in mind when you're thinking about, you know, marrying, and don't sacrifice those things.

Listen, you can have a wonderful life as a single.

But remember life is not found in pleasures, and it's not found in money.

It's found in relationships with God and people.

And life's greatest meaning is found in serving other people.

So as a single, get involved in serving other people.

Find a place where you can take your talent, your abilities and use them to help other people.

It's often in that context that you run into a man who's doing the same thing.

He's also out there serving and giving other people, and you begin to think we're marching to the beat of the same drummer.

In fact, I heard a pastor say many years ago, if you're a gal and not married, you want to be married.

First of all, commit yourself to God and run as hard as you can in the direction of following God and letting him control your life.

And then if you look over your shoulder one day and you see a man running in the same direction you are and he's about to catch up with you, that's a good possibility that he's the man for you.

So you're not looking for him, You're just going to be available when he runs runs by you.

Okay, well you get the gist of what I'm saying.

But make the most of your single life and do some things that you feel like would be helpful to you as a single and find the job that you really enjoy doing where you conserve people on your job as well as, you know, volunteering to work in other places.

So what we say to the men, I think to the men, I would say again, the most important thing in your life is your relationship with God.

Yes, because it will affect everything else.

Because by nature, we're all selfish, and a selfish man is never going to have a good marriage.

A man who wants to get married so she can make him happy is not going to be a good husband.

And yet, and that's by nature, that's what we do.

You know, you're gonna make me happy, You're gonna meet my needs physically and every other way.

And then we get into marriage and that doesn't happen.

And what do we say, I'm out of here, you know, making me happy?

No, no, no, We've got to recognize the greatest life in the world you'll have is by taking whatever abilities you have and using them to help other people.

It's in the context of helping others and serving others, that you're going to find the greatest satisfaction in life.

Amen, As we wrap up, I will be remiss if I didn't ask you to pray for me as I share with you.

My id just don't even notice.

But I don't know if I'm going to leave this in the actual episode, but I'll probably release it when my book is released.

But I'm waiting on an offer from a publisher from my first book, and I would be remiss if I didn't have you pray over God's will over that book, God's anointing over that book, God's favor over the book.

And can I ask you to pray for my book, Student of Love?

I want a dispensation to occur.

I believe that people carry certain mantles, and I believe that God has placed a mantle over you when it comes to relationships and building family and making sure that we have a healthy viewpoint of family.

And I don't take that lightly.

And so can I ask you to pray for my book, Student of Love?

Student of Love, Student of Love?

Sure, Father, you know my brother here, you know the way you've blessed him in recent years, and you know the impact he has through this podcast.

I pray you'll keep your hand on his heart.

I pray you'll give him wisdom.

But especially today, I pray for your hand upon this manuscript that he has.

Father, You've put it on his heart, You've guided him as he's written it.

Now I pray you'll open up the right door with the right publisher, that your hand will be upon the distribution of the book.

You'll give his company the wisdom on how to promote the book.

Yes, and I pray Father that many many people will be helped have an attitude of love and live a life of love, and that this book will help them do that.

So I commit him and the book to you and pray for your hand upon it, because Father, you know we can do nothing without you, yes, Scott, but we know you can take us and use us and use what we've done, and particularly use our books to touch the lives of other people.

And that's what I pray for him in the name of Christ.

Amen.

Amen, Amen, Thank you so much.

Brother.

Hey, listen, this is the goat.

This is a.

Giant in the Kingdom of God, and I just want to thank you for taking the time to spend some time with me today to bless me with your wisdom, your your knowledge, and I hope this was beneficial for you.

I hope you enjoyed yourself as you spent some time with me today.

So thank you so much.

I really appreciate it.

Well, thank you.

I've enjoyed being with you.

It's been fun and so very challenging the topics we've dealt with, So I pray God I'll use each one of them to touch the lives of the people who watch.

God bless you.

Y'all.

Give it up for my homie.

The only person that called them homie in any interview he's ever done, my homie, Doctor Gary Chapman.

I'll give it up from y'all.

Stay tuned to the end for a letter to my future wife and writing these love letters.

You daring thrust it suddenly into child protective Services.

In twenty fifteen, my nephew, black a boy, the likelihood have been adopted outside of kinship slim to none Rmione, sixteen years old, black a boy with five years in the Falter care system before I even knew his name.

The likelihood have ever been adopted?

Yep, you guessed it.

Slim to none.

While La Darien and Ourmiani were trying to survive and barely thrive in an overpopulated and underfunded false care system.

I was living my own life, doing well professionally, having been a single father with a daughter who at that point was doing well in college.

It was my time to live my life right.

Wrong.

I felt unsettled, tireless, agitated.

There are just two many of our black children stuck in ambiguity and in the limbo of the Falseter care system.

In twenty seventeen, I legally adopt my nephew Ladarian.

Fast forward to twenty nineteen.

I had no ties to this other young king, but I felt God instructed me to adopt them also on al Babe.

Starting over with parenting should have been enough.

Right, Working with various foster care and adoption agencies to help bring awareness to the countless young Black Kings and the Falster care system should have decreased my agitation.

Right.

Joining the board of directors of Advantage of Adoption and organization that helps find permanent adoptive homes for children in Falter care should have led to some type of resolve.

Right.

No, not at all.

None of it felt like I had done enough, I now realized that every one of those experiences was land the fundamental foundation for my life's mission.

Kingdom Royal.

Kingdom Royal would be a luxury, state of the art home for foster boys.

Our first location will be in the Dallas Fort Worth Metroplex.

We will utilize the whole person approach that instills identity, empowers them to advocate for themselves, and enlightens them regarding new perspectives and limitless options that they thought were impossible.

Though the young Kings will attend the local public schools that are in proximity to King of Royal.

Our at home curriculum will broaden their worldview through participating in the arts, attending various cultural events, learning about and engaging in multifaceted discussions about current events and even relevant historical contexts, introducing them to gardening and landscaping, and even caring for our animals on our form and on site stables.

We just launched our startup capital campaign with the goal of raising two point eight million dollars.

Now why two point eight million dollars?

Well?

In twenty seventeen, I created a web series in which I performed random acts of kindness for targeting the homeless community.

One of the most notable successes was that one of the videos went viral, garnering twenty eight million views.

However, one of my biggest regrets is that I didn't raise a single dom to help in implementing a more sustainable plan for the homeless community.

So throughout the years, with much remorse, I reflect that I'm not maximizing that moment.

I knew if at that time just ten percent of the viewers donated one dollar, we would have raised at least two point eight million dollars that could have really established long term support for the homeless community, or at least started a long term initiative to do so.

This is my do over, this is our new beginning.

Together, we can attack this at the route by specifically helping our homeless Black boys who are already disproportionately represented in the American fossil care system.

I'm a terisar Wickfield.

I've been nominated for three regional Emmys documenting my work with the homeless as well as my personal adoption journey.

Despite those accolades, the greatest award for me is truly providing the infrastructure for a transformed life Kingdomroyal dot com for more details, Crown of King and make a donation today.

Man, this is this is exciting.

It's exciting because I November the twenty second, I will be taking vows for forever.

I will be getting married to the woman who I believe that God fashioned fashioned for my heart.

I love this woman.

You'll hear me say that often the article In Essence, I kept saying I love this woman, and I really do.

Well.

Here's my favorite part of the podcast where I speak to my future wife.

He dear future wifey, it was my greatest honor to put a ring on your finger.

This is the first letter I've written since that momentous occasion on July the thirteenth, twenty twenty five.

I've replayed that day in my mind a thousand times.

The way your eyes welled with tears before your lips could form a single word, The way Heaven stood still just long enough for our yes to echo through eternity.

That moment didn't just mark the beginning of our engagement.

That marked the fulfillment of countless prayers, journal entries, surrendered fears, letters, and divine timing.

That ring didn't just symbolize a proposal.

It was a covenant, a silent thow wrapped in platinum, declaring I choose you over and over with no expiration date.

Every time I glance at your hand, I see more than jewelry.

I see a lifetime of laughs and grocery store owls, late night conversations that stretch until sunrise, quiet forgiveness after loud misunderstandings, and love steady, unrelenting and sacred.

Since that day, I've noticed how everything feels richer, How worship feels deep with you by my side, How purpose feels clearer knowing you're walking it with me.

How my dreams feel more anchored because you believe in them too.

I enjoy writing these letters to you, not to impress you, but to remind you that you were never just a choice.

You were a God's answer.

Your future heavy.

I hope you enjoyed this episode of the Dear Future WIFEI podcast.

Remember be litt live intentionally and transparently, and don't stop loving.

Make sure to subscribe to our Dear Future Wife and YouTube channels.

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