You said it sounded like you were crying from a deep place because I was.

Yeah, because there was an end to his life, but for me it was a beginning of life without him.

But it said unthinkable that none of us want to entertain.

Welcome to Dear Future Wifey podcast my sister in Christ, Cassandra Robinson.

The last time we saw.

You on the podcast, you were with your loving husband call.

That was three years ago.

What has happened since then?

Karl has transitioned.

Grief is multi layered.

Like you said, it's still fresh.

It's not even two muths at this point.

How have you been navigating it?

Some days I do extremely well because I know that those are the days that God is carrying me.

And then there are days when God watches over me, he lets me sit in it for a little bit before I feel that reassuring presence that His arms are around me.

And then there are days when I have a lot of joy because I'm full.

I have thirty three years married, thirty six years together, a beautiful, blissful, funny, crazy, laughable memories that I can pull from.

It's a deep well, if you would.

And then there are moments where I'm angry.

I feel like at fifty eight I deserved an eighty something ninety something attendance at my husband's Homegoing believers have said to me, in this process, all that you.

Know about God, all that you know about God, all that.

You know about God, all the worth that you have in you, you just need to have faith, Nah Cas.

My ambition in being here today is to share a level of honesty regarding grief that we don't often hear as believers.

He said something to me while dating me.

He says, I will empty myself of everything I have to make you happy.

As much as my heart grieves his absence, I can, with absolute certainty and assurance tell you that man emptied every ounce, every fiber of love in him into me.

And I can say, standing over my husband declining, leaving out of this life, literally singing and praying him over every fiber of love I had in my heart for him I gave it.

Is that your wedding ring, now it is I just.

That's gonna make good cry a little, but I'm going to get through it.

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Hi, so listen man, this episode it's very powerful.

Why it's because this guest, y'all fell in love with her and her spouse when they were on the podcast three years ago.

It was June of twenty twenty two.

They capture the hearts of people everywhere, and so without further ado, we'll get into it and you'll see her.

Welcome to a Differ Future Wifey podcast, My homie, my friend, my sister in Christ, Cassandra Robinson.

How you doing, I'm doing, I'm doing, I'm doing.

The last time we saw you on the podcast, you were with your loving husband call.

That was three years ago.

What has happened since then?

You know, it's pretty amazing how that Carl has transitioned.

And that isn't amazing.

What's amazing is the aftermath, the aftermath, and you know, I coined the word amazing because grief is multi layered.

I mean, there's so many different layers to grief.

But what's amazing is I've had this show of community and my village in a way that I never knew that I would ever need it.

I never knew that my village would show up in the way that they have, and that has been the glue.

That's been the determining factor as to whether or not I get out of bed in the morning, whether or not I chew used to keep showing up.

It's really been that village.

And we'll get into more of how grief is multi layered, the memories, the impact Karl made on my life, the impact I was able to make on his, the you know forever more vows that we you know, made to one another, and how that we honored those vows and we kept them to the very end.

But in this space, it's been all village.

Today is October the third, while we're recording this episode.

And when did you lose your husband, Carl?

What was the date?

Well, first, let me say there's only one man on the planet.

Then I would agree to do this for and I'm looking at him.

That's you.

Yeah, that's you.

You and I just share a beautiful bond brother sister, and we have for some time.

And that's why I just I didn't consider it anything but a honor to be here to share our story.

But Carl transitioned to August twenty ninth, and so it's still very fresh.

It's still very new.

Even in your introduction when you said she and her spouse.

Just to hear that word and to realize that my spouse no longer remains, yeah, it just hits different.

I attended the homegoing service.

There was a moment in the service that shook me to the core of my soul when I heard you well out and up until that point, and I hate when people say you were doing so good, you were you were, you were being strong.

I hate that terminology, but you were holding it in and then that moment.

What happened in that moment, just.

The realization of the finality of death.

I know that as a Blue Lever, you know, we're taught and we believe that.

You know, to the believer, death is life, and it is because it's the life thereafter.

But in the natural death is an end.

And in that moment, having watched that, if you recall, there was a video presentation that was happening at that moment, and the music was very, very deep, and it was moving and it was reflective, and just all those elements coming together was just screaming to me, this is an end to his life.

It's an end to that bliss, It's an end to that unity.

It's an end to those deep conversations.

It's an end to that early morning kiss on the forehead or kiss on the cheek.

It's an end to all the things that I grew to love and to depend on and to look forward to.

And in that moment, the realization of the end was too great.

It was just too great.

I couldn't hold it in any longer.

I had to just release.

And it was a very you know, you said it sounded like you were crying from a deep placement, because I was.

Because it was in that realization that there was a death and there was an end that I also realized it was a new beginning for me because there was an end to his life, but for me it was a beginning of life without him.

And it's said unthinkable that we all know will happen at some point in our lives, but it said unthinkable that none of us want to entertain.

And there I was at a time that I wasn't honestly prepared.

I wasn't really prepared for that realization, but there it was my new reality.

Those years, thirty three years of love shared.

I was talking to you one day and you said that we built a love empowre.

That stuck with me, Cassie.

What do you mean by a love empire?

Empire speaks of control, kingdom speaks of lordship.

We built an empire based upon what we were able to control, and we were able to control how we responded to one another.

We were able to control how we reacted to one another.

We were able to control what we allowed into our union, what we disallowed into our union, how far our limitations were with one another.

We were able to control all of those things.

And in doing so, the empire that we built was one of honor.

It was one of love, It was one of respect, but it was also one of order.

There were certain things that we didn't tolerate in our union.

We didn't even tolerate it in our home.

And if we sense that maybe someone that we had invited to our home, crossed the threshold and the spirit of the house change.

We addressed it, really, oh, we addressed it.

You know.

The misconception about Carl, and you know this, but the misconception about Carl is that because he was a soft spoken man, because he was a reserved man, a man of few words, that he was weak.

And that couldn't be further from the truth.

Carl was a man's man.

He was a man of absolutes.

His yea's were yeah, and his names were nay.

And when he said to me no, it was a for sure no it trust me.

I tried it.

Trust Yes he did.

And that was the point of yes he did, Yes he did.

His nose were null.

But we would address it because the empire that we had built matter to us.

It meant something to us, and it was important to us that we protect what we built.

And that's why I referred to it as an empire.

Now here's the thing.

The empire was subject to kingdom, to his lordship.

So we did it as unto him, never desiring to be the couple that looked down on people, and oh look at us, and we not pinning roses upon ourselves or anything like that.

But look at us as we follow him.

So when people would compliment us and say, oh my god, you guys are perfect, we would quickly correct that, no, there's no perfection in us.

Trust me, How have you been navigating this?

Like you said, it's still fresh, it's not even two months at this point.

How have you been navigating it?

Some days I do extremely well because I know that those are the days that God is carrying me.

But the truth is, I've come to the end of myself.

I am a bit of a wordsmith.

I love words, I love etymology, I love the derivations.

I love to study words, what they mean, where they came from a proper context.

And yet in this season, more often than I care to share, I've been rendered speechless.

Don't have the words.

So some days I'm great because those are the days that God carries me.

And then there are days when God watches over me, he lets me sit in it for a little bit before I feel that reassuring presence that His arms are around me.

And that's healthy because it's helping to build me and strengthen me in the places where grief is tearing me down.

And then there are days when I have a lot of joy because I'm full.

I'm full.

I have thirty three years married, thirty six years together, a beautiful, blissful, funny, crazy, laughable memories that I can pull from.

It's a deep well, if you would, and I can pull from that well of those great memories.

And then there are moments where I'm angry because I feel like, at fifty eight, I deserved an eighty something ninety something attendance at my husband's homegoing.

I don't feel like I deserved to be fifty eight and my husband sixty two, and I'm sitting in his homegoing service on the front row, and people are now referring to me as a widow.

There's something about that, even now that's a little horrowing.

There's something about the words, just saying the words the terrorists, widow, single.

There's just something about even speaking it in the light of day that hits so heavy.

And I think that if we're honest, and that's my goal, that's my ambition in being here today, is to share a level of honesty regarding grief that we don't often hear as believers.

Yeah, because believers have said to me in this process.

If I'm very, very transparent.

Believers have said all that you know about God, all that you know about God, all that you know about God, all the word that you have in you, Believers have said to me, you just need to have faith.

Nah, cassy nah.

I mean the Bible I read people used to God would have people moor with sackcloth and ashes for.

Years.

But these are these are well meaning believers who are part of a system that I believe they've allowed themselves to be so engrossed in that they failed themselves.

I'm not going to blame the leaders, because ultimately we're responsible for our own learning, but I believe people have failed themselves and become so heavenly minded that they lack common sense.

So they would say that about what though about my process of grief?

So like like you should be fine, You're gonna be okay.

I don't worry about you.

You're gonna be okay.

Okay.

I don't really know how to process that because when you were grieving and when you were down, when you were in a trench, when you were in a valley, Karl and I were there, You're talking about a whole life, right, Yeah, it's a whole life.

It's like my husband.

They're not talking about like you lost a job and you're going, come on, you'll get another one.

They're literally saying stuff like that, like you'll be all right, just weeping man door for a night, but joy coming in the morning.

I've heard that.

I can't tell you how many times that's been said to me by well meaning believers, because I just refuse to believe that some of these statements and some of these ill thought encouragements were really spoken out of malice.

I really believe they're thinking they're encouraging me, they're trying to help me.

What would you say for those that don't know, Like people are very ill informed on dealing with grief, what would you say if you were to give a couple of key tips, how does one help someone that is experiencing a law of a loved one.

I think it goes a long way to say someone to someone who's navigating grief, who's navigating the loss of their spouse, their soul made, even their mother or father, whomever it is that a person is grieving, even if you've experienced the loss of your spouse, every individual is different.

So what I would say to that person is.

You are in my thoughts, you are in my prayers.

I am praying for you.

I wish that I could do more than that, but this is what I know that I can do, and I'm believing that the prayers that I am praying for you, that God will honor my prayers.

To me, that says you're concerned about me.

Yeah.

To me, that says I may not be able to feel exactly what you're feeling, because no one can feel what another person is feeling.

You may have walked through death, you may have navigated the death of a loved one, but the way you navigated that was the way you navigated that.

Can't I don't have the right to assume that the way you navigated death is the way that I should take upon myself to navigate death.

And I don't have the right to assume that because I'm also navigating death, that I can relate to you, because we're all authentic.

So I would just say, you're in my heart, You're in my prayers.

I'm praying for you.

I thought about you today, and I wish that there were more than that that I could do.

In fact, is there more that I can do?

Is there a physical need.

Is there a material need that I could maybe meet to help lighten your load.

Here's the other thing I hate to hear, if you need anything, just let me know.

And you feel like that because what you feel like they should just create whatever it is that they should give.

I think that when a person is grieving, and a person is sad, and you say to them, if there's anything that you need one a husband and a provider of the home no longer remains.

That's a need.

And I'm not a person to ask people for anything, you know me, you know, my heart.

Which makes it crazy because I say anything you need now you got to come out of grief to say, hey, well can you pay my car?

Note?

Like, like, what does that feel like?

I think that that's an invitation.

I honestly feel like that's an invitation for a person to either divulge like some personal need that they have to you, you know, or for them to ask you or to maybe beg you know, for somebody to come, you know, to their need or to meet a need.

And I don't think that that's fair.

I think that it's a better posture to say I care about you, I'm concerned about you.

Here's what God has put in my heart that part to do to help you.

And I'm not even referring to anything financial because I don't believe in that.

And you know, asking people, you know, please help me out, I don't believe in that.

I do believe in meeting the felt need.

Yes, if you can see that there is a need, and you feel that there is a need, I believe, as God has prospered you, as you see God and asking for a direction, I believe that you should do that.

You know, He gives see to the sowerp you know what I'm saying.

So as you sow, you reap.

I believe you should do that.

But I don't believe you should put pressure on a person who's already in a valley to have to name out for you what you can do to help them.

And I think people like you said, they just don't know.

That's the reason I'm glad that we're having this conversation, because people are stepping on land mines don't even realize.

That you just need a little bit more sensitivity.

And then if you put yourself in that situation always, that's what empathy is, is put yourself in that situation and say.

What would I want somebody to say to me?

Sure?

And the reality is sometimes like even you navigating this, I'll just call it you and just talk to you.

Just just talk say hi, you know.

What I'm saying, and just have a conversation about what you're doing.

See if we can get some laughs, popping or whatever.

We will crack some jokes or whatever, and then just get off the phone instead of like, so, what you need?

What you know?

It's just one of those things that we were so programmed to do.

The thing which is like if you need anything, and I bet you probably heard that a thousand times at the funeral, if you need anything, just let me know.

I'm not gonna let you know.

It's just you're just wasting words.

I'm not going to call you and say, hey, by the way you said if I need anything, I'm homeing right now to the house right make sure you get four because my daughter's here right now, her husband here, Go get four platesent Like, who's going to say that, you know what I'm saying.

So at the end of the day, it's just people just don't know, and they're trying to show up.

They just don't.

But by the same token.

If I could just jump in and add this by the same token.

God has just shown me in such a beautiful, magnificent way.

I started out by saying that village is very important.

In this season of my life.

God has just surrounded me with quality individuals that just show up.

They show up in places where sometimes there's a need, and sometimes it's just their way of showing their affection and that they care.

And it's been very resemblance of what I was raised around.

You know, as I was raised in the hood in Oak Cliff.

When someone died on the block, the whole block turned up.

You know, the women in the neighborhood would prepare meals and they take food to that person's home, and the men would show up.

If there was a woman that was being left by the husband, you know, being deceased, those men would cut the yard.

Those men would make sure that the grass was watered.

Those men.

If the house needed painting, those men would come together and they would do hard labor to make sure that that need, that felt need was met.

And God has just beautifully given me a demonstration of that.

In this season of life.

We've hardly we myself, my daughter, my son.

Our family have hardly paid for a meal for weeks now.

I've hardly had an alone moment for weeks now because our village has just shown up in such a magnificent way.

It's just God's way.

I know.

It is of saying, I know that this is a new normal.

I know that this is a tremendous burden, a tremendous way that you're navigating.

But I got you another thing that they used to do in the hood.

You know, I'm throw it off.

Is there get airbrush shirts?

Would you had want of airbrush shirts?

To call face on the on the shirt?

You know what I'm saying, take you back to Oak Cliff.

I think I'm good.

I'm good with the air but you ain't.

Like I remember some of those walk around whatever in our hearts.

Walking around with all the shirts everybody was, but it felt like that's how you have to you.

Know, shirt at the shirt.

You you got to have the shirt.

That's what made it official.

Is there a time where you feel like but you do want to be alone, that you have people around you all the time, You like, gosh, can people just let me just breathe for.

Like two days?

It's interesting you asked that I was at my sister's and shout out to my sister Brenda, who just totally opened her home to me and my adult children, her niece and nephew and our extended family.

Four weeks and it was open ended.

But there became a time a few weeks ago, I woke up one morning, I sat onside the bed and I heard the Holy Spirit as clearly as I'm speaking to you, and he said, Cassie, face it.

Because prior to that time everything had pretty much been a blur.

I was going through it.

I was navigating, but honestly I was just existing through it.

I wasn't really allowing my heart to really feel it and face it.

And I asked God, I said face it, and God said go home.

And I just remember just sobbing.

I mean, just like a heavy, gut wrenching cry.

And I feared in that moment.

I feared what would that be like?

How would I manage with absolutely no one in the house.

And just the gravity of that was just too much to handle.

And I sat there for some time just crying and weeping.

And when I was done, just like a good father, It's almost like God tapped me on the should and said I'm still here, go home.

I took the balance of the day to gather my things.

Didn't realize how I had moved into my sisters stuff everywhere.

So put this in context.

How many how long were you there?

I was at my sisters for two weeks, two weeks closer to three weeks.

In fact, it was heading into three weeks that I was at my sister's and so I gathered my things fast forward.

When I pulled into the driveway, I was a wreck.

In fact, I couldn't hardly get my face clear to pull into the garage.

I mean, it just emptied me because I just felt the coldness of that driveway.

I never felt turning into my driveway feeling cold like I felt it that day.

I managed to get in, get in the garage.

I may have set in the car for about half an hour just dreading it.

Got out, got in the house, I was like, all right, I'm gonna do this.

I walked in and I have a strong spring on my garage door, so when the door slammed, it startled me and I just stood there like immobilized.

It felt like I was paralyzed, like my legs were like a thousand pounds, and every step of the way, I'm literally having to coach myself into being in this space with absolutely no one.

And it had been my obedience to God and my choice, because remind you, my village was calling me the whole time, texting me you are right, You're not by yourself, and I'm not answering them because I have to do this face it.

I get to the kitchen.

I have a large island in the kitchen, and I remember leaning over the island, just kind of resting my hands there, and I asked, God, why did you send me back?

And God answered me, God said, because you need to face this.

Some struggles and trials can only be conquered by facing it and going through it.

And I had become a master at getting around because I've been getting around Carl's sickness for a year and a half.

It wasn't until that night, alone in the house, filling the cold of every room, knowing that Karl was not in his favorite chair, but yet he was everywhere.

It was not a wall that I could turn to where I didn't see my husband.

It wasn't a piece of furniture that I could sit on or pass by what I'd seeing.

He was everywhere in the house and yet he was nowhere.

What a dichotomy.

So how am I to navigate this moment by moment?

My mother said something to me once.

She said, baby girl, sometimes you only have faith for the step you're standing on.

God about.

La Terras.

In that moment, I only had faith for that step that I was standing on.

I may have stayed a up to four am, afraid to go to sleep.

By four am, my body just won and I woke up about nine and I woke up.

I had wet my pillow and I said, I made it.

I made it.

In that moment, it was as if I had won the lottery because I made it.

So then I was confronted with, okay, it's the next day.

I can just go back to my sisters.

I don't have to stay here, and I challenged myself.

I said, I'm going to see if I can make it through the week.

I made it.

About that third day, it was getting heavy and my Besty call said I'm checking on you.

Said okay, she said, I'm coming, but got it looking guilty.

Of looking guilty, she just showed up.

And it was good because that afforded me my voice.

I could talk about it, and I had someone to hear me and to listen.

And it couldn't have been anyone else, because anybody else would have been interjecting.

She just sat, She was just a sounding bore.

She just listened, and I was able to get it out because the terras.

I hadn't spoken of it in a year and a half.

I had just been navigating my husband's decline.

What did it feel like laying in that bed for the first time.

It felt like torture because it was a letting go and an embracing at the same time.

I was letting go of everything that I knew, that I loved, that I had banked on, that I had set my mind on, that I was confident in, that I was certain of all of the things that Carl was and that I believed in and that I hoped for, and that I built a life on.

I had to let that go.

But then I had to embrace a will to do what I said.

See, I may call a promise.

God gave us time.

My husband declined over a year and a half, and we talked about all the things, all the hypothetical situations, all the scenarios, ask all the hardcore questions and had the hard conversations, and in the very end, I mean the very end, he said to me, Cassie, what I want for you is you are full of life and full of love.

You have a lot of love to give.

You are still full of life.

I want your heart to love again.

I said, no, we're going to change the subject.

I don't hear that.

Let's just talk about something else, and he refused.

He was very, very descript and very adamant about the fact that his wish for me was that I go on living.

So I'm lying there in this torture of letting him go, but I'm forced to face my decision.

And my promise to him was that I would live.

That's the torture because I'm crying.

I have this anguish going on.

But I got this reminder.

But you gave your word that you were not going to just lay here and be depressed.

Your word to him, your vow to him was that you would live.

And then came God.

Everything I said prior to then came God was my flesh, dealing with my flesh.

Then came my surrender, my truth surrender.

Well, then God helped me give me the strength to keep my vow to live and not just lay here, because the temptation was or I could just cover on up, just lay in his bed all week.

Y'all took vows.

At the start of your marriage till death do we part, And here was a vow that y'all took as he was declining, and death do you start?

And God just spoke that to me.

It's like to live, start to imagine your life without them, which it has to be the most tortuous thing to ever do.

And to actually feel like.

You're forsaking him by like you want me to move on?

Like what are you saying that you move on and be happy without you?

That's a that's a conundrum that I'm in right now.

That doesn't resonate with my spirit.

And it's like to hear you say that in the juxtaposition between moving on but maintaining the memories is something that like I'll never sit here, and like I understand how that is, I just don't.

It's even the reason why I asked about the bed situation because a lot of people, in their singleness, they lay in that bed and they go I can't wait till I have somebody laying on that side of the bed with me and they that's the goal.

I remember my first Dear future wifey letter I wrote, and this is before I ever did the podcast.

It was a letter I put on Facebook.

I said, as I lay in my queen size bed, it's a stark reminder that my queen is missing.

And so me as a man land in that bed.

I knew that that space over there was missing, and now here it is.

You've had that for thirty three years, and now you're in the same position where you're looking and going, my king is missing.

Yeah, It's like, I don't even know what that feels like.

I remember doing an episode where Judge Lynn told her and Judge Lynn she was grieving out loud on social media and just letting people go through that journey.

But the day I flew out to Phoenix, Arizona to shoot her episode, on her kitchen table was all of her late husband's clothes.

Her his sister, which was her sister in love, came to travel and said, you got to get rid of these clothes.

You can't this two years later, you got to get rid of these clothes, And they were all on the kitchen table and I walked in and I was like wow, And then she was like, yeah, my sister and law came down here to get this stuff out.

After I left, I called her and I said, was the task completed?

She said no, I couldn't let her get rid of those clothes.

So the sister flew all the way in to clean out the closet and that trip was wasted because it didn't it didn't happen.

And so those are the different stages that I've never even thought of about how hard is it to pack up the belongings of the lates spouse and be like where do I do I go donate it?

Do I say, hey, what family member?

Do y'all want to just piece mill it?

What do you want?

Do you want this old jacket that he had in the military?

Like what does that look like?

You know?

And it's like all those processes are moments of grief of letting go.

Where are you at even in that mindset you just finally made it back to the house.

Have you when you walk into y'all's closet do you feel a bit of torture when you sit in the closet and see his clothes and you smell it, you know, in the closet.

What does that do to you internally?

Well, He's everywhere, and the smallest thing can remind me of him, and the greatest thing can remind me of him.

It could be a song, it could be a scent, it could be a sock.

It could be his shoes, it could be his clothes, It could be the closet, it could be the pantry, his favorite thing to eat.

When he would go and just stand at the pantry and I would complain about why are you just standing there with the door hanging open?

And he would stand in the refrigerator with the door hanging open, deciding what he wanted to eat.

It's all those things.

Yeah, But what I'm finding is that God is giving me a supernatural grace, and it's moment by moment by moment by moment.

I have started packing his things.

I haven't completed it, but I made the start because what keeps me moving is that I invited God in.

I wrestle with the flesh.

So I'm being very transparent.

It hasn't all been from day one, God, your will be done.

That's a lie.

Yeah, It's been a lot of flesh.

It's been a lot of sadness.

It's been a range of emotions.

But I invited God into all of it.

And that night, lying in that bed, I said, then God help me.

So God answered me, and God said, well, then I'll help you.

And when I arrive at the end of myself what I'm capable of doing, every time he picks me up like a loving father, He carries me.

He gives me strategy as to how to do and what to do.

What I've decided and what I've learned about my part of this journey, this part of the journey that I'm in, excuse me, is that I do better in the mornings than I do at night.

And so I've made a goal for myself to try to get as much of the project done in the mornings as possible, and at night give myself a break, give myself permission to just sit in how wherever the wave comes in, not try to predict it, not try to manage it, not try to control how far it goes and for how long I'm crying, but to just accept it as it comes.

Because I'm reminded of the fact that me asking God to help, see, here's a misconception.

When we say God help me, God doesn't come to enhance.

God comes to take a thing over.

So any time we invite God into anything, baby, he comes to handle it.

And when you really really desire for God to come in and help you, what you're really saying is God take it.

Yes, God handle it.

Yes, God take control of it.

But then on the other side of that, because he's a gentleman and he acts with the act of our will, we got to let it.

And I'm now in the face because of community, because of village.

I can't get away from that tonight.

I'm now in the place of letting God handle it because I have the right people in my space.

Divine alignment is important when you're going through grief.

I have the right people in my space to remind me, since God got it, you don't have to carry that by yourself.

You don't have to have the answer to that.

Let God do it.

And when did that?

When did the moment of Cassie handling it?

When did the transfer of responsibility take place?

I think that next morning, that first night was a rough night.

I think I was like, you know, who was at it?

In the word had the thorn I think I wrestled with that thing through the night.

So for me, it was like the breaking of day, if you would, like, right around about eight or so.

I think I slept to like about nine.

But about eight I felt, even in my sleep, I felt like a lifting.

I felt that there was a shift, there was something transforming within me.

I didn't have the fullness of it until that next day, just kind of going throughout the house, working throughout the house, you know, you know, watering the plants, getting things.

These people had sent so many floral arrangements and some of them have been left outside, and so you know, getting that in and just kind of handling the house that I literally let go.

I felt it within me that I was letting go.

Did you feel any type of guilt packing up the first thing, when you start packing stuff up, did you feel any guilt?

Oh, tremendous, tremendous.

I felt in a sense that I was kind of betraying the memory of him, or trying to hurry his memory away.

And that was also, I mean, the enemy gets in there when we're in transition.

You know, transition.

To think about transition is that you're in and in between space.

You're not where you were, but you're certainly not where you're going.

And the enemy knows that.

And that's a very very vulnerable space to be in because you're in between.

You're in between destinations.

You're in between where you started and where you're going to.

You're in between, I mean, where you were and where you're about to be.

And the enemy knows that.

If I can, if I can get her, if I have a chance at getting her, I need to get her in this space right here, because this is where it's critical for her to make a wrong decision.

Cassy, you preaching right now, No, I want you.

I want you to keep on talking about that in between because it's some people single right now that they're faithing, they're believing God now.

They ain't what they used to be back in the day.

They ain't making these unwise decisions with how they dated in the past.

They're in this in between states.

They know that God says, my husband is right around the corner.

I want you to speak to that single man, that single woman about how to manage this in between stage.

Well, I can only speak out of my business, I coined that little phrase.

I can only speak to you out of who I am.

And what I did was I learned how to praise God while I was waiting.

I learned that there was power in the wait.

Sometimes the greatest revelation is while you're waiting, not when you arrive at your destination.

Sometimes the greatest impact is while you're believing for that thing.

Sometimes the greatest download you'll ever get from God is while you are believing.

Sometimes God will settle you.

Sometimes God will steady you while you're believing with the revelation of what He has prepared for you.

But if you spend all of your in between time lamenting where you were or hoping for what is unknown and what is yet to come, you're missing what's happening in the moment.

Yes, I just learned to live in the moments.

There's a phrase that's going around on social media that says, while you're waiting on God to open the door, praise him in the hallway.

I've learned to be grateful, I say all the time.

Gratitude is my garment.

It's my garment.

I drape myself in gratitude.

You know we're so big.

La terius to this end, asking God, what is your will for me?

What is your will?

For he laid it out in the word.

In everything, give thanks for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you, teach even in between, in the in between moments, in the transitional moments, in that period of waiting God, I still thank you.

I thank you for those things that you have sheltered me from.

I thank you for what you delivered me from, because that was in my past was not for my good.

And I thank you for what you are preparing for me that I know not of, but because I trust you, I know it's for my good.

It's in the moment.

Give him thanks in the moment.

Why are you still waiting?

And here's the last thing I want to say about that.

Sometimes the weight is designed to protect you some things.

If God were to allow it as quickly as you desire it, it would consume you.

I've lived that.

One's got to give you exactly what you want in the time that you ask for it, exactly the way you ask for it, and it'll utterly destroy you.

Yes, And I believe in doing so, God is teaching you a lesson about timing and trust.

Either you trust me or you don't.

Either you believe me or you don't, and if you don't, then here's one result.

And if you do, then I lay out my promise to you.

What has God spoken to you in this season about what his plans are for you.

It's a little heavy and kind of scary.

Actually, Karl and I were building over thirty six years together, thirty three years married.

We were building something and God said to me, your eyes will behold it.

What you were in the process of will manifest.

You'll see it, you'll touch it, you'll live it, you'll experience it.

And it's scary.

That's a little scary, wow, because it's so big.

I've asked God for some things.

They're not little things.

I've asked God for some things because my heart is to really make an impact.

That really is my heart.

It really is my heart, and I know in order to do that I need some things manifested.

You feel like.

In the first vision of this, of course, you probably visualize call been alongside of you with the manifestation of the things that you ask God for.

How are you reconciling that in your mind?

Knowing that you may be single, you may remarry, but the person that you had that vision that forecasting with is no longer here and now it's another unknown with the unknown.

How have you reconciled that.

I'm not doing very well at that one?

You know me, I'm transparent, I'm honest.

I'm just not doing very well at that one.

Because you know, when you love someone as completely as I loved my husband, it was just a completion to that love.

There were no perforations and our love, I love had been tested and had been trying to be true.

It wasn't perfect, but God had so built up and reinforced what we had, and it was because we learned how to base it on proper love, which is a biblical foundation.

So I couldn't even fathom the manifestation with anyone else and I still can't.

And I think that is the journey that I am on.

I believe God will lead me in this journey to an epiphany and to a revelation.

But I'm not doing well, yeah, because I don't desire that to be anyone else.

And see, I know that would be my problem.

That's the reason why I could ask those questions because everything that I prayed for, everything that even this podcast, this podcast was birth Dear Future Wifey, It wasn't dear future Latis.

It was dear future wifey.

So everything, every conversation that I've had is pushing me towards the manifestation of this woman.

Then I marry this woman and not knowing how many years I have with this person, whether it's me, where whether she experienced a loss of me or I experienced a loss of her, and to know there's certain things that I know that God is going to grant me through covenant that if either that changes, then I'm sitting there like, well, hold on, now, this wasn't a part of my plan.

My plan was with this person.

I said to that, do we part.

I want to grow old like you were saying, like, there's nothing inside of me that can reconcile me not being eighty ninety years old sitting on the porch.

I'll say that all the time.

I say that on the podcast.

I said, me and my future wife, We're going to be old and gray, sitting on the porch and rock and chair, sip and lemonade.

That is a vision that I have in my mind.

So then the undo that where I pass away at an age as not eighty ninety something years old, then it's like hold on, God, I'm sitting up there like, hold on, my God, did you not read my notes?

And my notes I was supposed to be this, you know what I'm saying, And so that's why.

And then God told me how to deal with this.

A lot of people on my podcasts know that I've been transparent about the fear that I used to have with being made and then losing the love of my life.

And then I've been able to tackle that fear by saying no, God doesn't give us a spirit of fear.

And so I'm having this conversation with you as well to be able to say no, don't be fearful of it.

Understand the value of the days and the minutes you get with that person so that you're maximizing your moment with that person.

So you're not handling it.

You're have hazardly handling that relationship.

Every day's not promised.

Treat that as a as an honor that you get a chance to spend.

When you talk about the garment of gratitude, to be able to carry that to be like, I am gracious that God has giving us another day to wake up with each other.

This conversation that we're having right now I'm going to carry it for the rest of my life because I'm sitting across from a grieving and I know you don't like this word widower, but you're a widow.

You're literally in this space, and so I have to always understand that, Hey, listen Laterius, the wife that God has given you, honor her every single day.

And another thing that spoke to me at the homegoing service was how well people spoke of Karl.

When I said, that is.

Goals, you know, and and and they said that I forgot who stood up there that said, we don't have to lie.

Like a lot of a lot of funerals, you'd be like, what can I say about this rascal?

We got to make up something.

He was a good man.

Everybody like you know, you lying?

He ain't never been a good man?

Right well?

He that was my brother, y'all know.

Y'all know he was.

He was who he was.

You know, he's gotta find ways to say it.

Everybody spoke about him.

But what everybody said that I love so much was how much he loved you?

Like that?

That's it, though, dirt on my coughing, that's what I want to go out.

That is me doing My big one as a student of love is to be able to say, because I say this all the time when people invite me on their platforms and they say, we have this relationship expertly tell I said, hold on, I ain't.

No, I ain't no expert.

Now, don't throw that on me.

I am not that.

And then I've said the only person that can deem me with that title is my future wife.

He after being loved by me properly, that's what you said early, proper love, been loved by me properly after several years, that's who can say, Oh, he he is an expert on love and everybody ain't gonna experience that.

You know, she will experience that.

And what I heard when I say when I shed tears, was when I heard how well call loved you.

And I was sitting I was like, God, that's what I want.

My wife's that's what I want.

I want I want that that that weilling that Cassie just did.

I want her to do that, and I feel it into heavens where I go, Wow, she was loved well by me, and it's a loss, not somebody like old.

I'm glad out the way.

Shoot, now I can finally find somebody else.

You know what I'm saying.

It's people that I've heard that they spoused leave and they like, thank you.

I got a sigh of relief.

This person was hell on wheels for the last ten years of my life.

I don't want that.

I want somebody to be able to say, no, I've experienced a great loss.

But that's what I love about call is that he loved you well.

Wasn't always like that?

Was he always loving you well?

Even in your immaturity?

Y'all got married, you were in your late twenties.

Did you believe that that was being love well back then?

I believe that Carl dated me well, and so I believe that the preface of love was in place, and the preface is what really wooed me.

The fact that he dated me well gave me confidence that he could love me well.

And I can truly say this man loved me well from day one.

Not perfect, but well.

Yeah.

And he said something to me while dating me.

He says, I'll promise you this that I will empty myself of everything I have to make you happy the terrace.

As sad as I am that my soulmate is not here with me as much as my heart grieves his absence, as heavy as the weight of that gets and trusts me.

I'm strong right now on this camera, but I have moments and they can come without warning where I am just rendered absolutely wrong.

However, I can, with absolute certainty and assurance tell you that Karl Robertson left the face of this planet absolutely empty.

That man emptied every ounce, every fiber of love in him into me.

And I can say with absolute certainty that standing over my husband declining, leaving out of this life, literally singing and praying him over as he transitioned, I emptied myself of every fiber of love I had in my heart for him.

I gave it.

Carl had the best doctors, Carl had the best hospitals, He had the best nurses, the best texts.

Karl went to the best rehab facilities.

When his health declined to where he needed to go to a different facility.

I chose the absolute best our insurance could cover, and what they couldn't cover, I made up for on my own, because he deserved every ounce of love and care that I had in me.

Because that's exactly what I had.

For thirty three years, we emptied ourselves for one another and sleep at night even though it's hard, knowing that I did everything I could for my husband and that man did everything he could for me.

Emptied myself empty.

He said, I'm going to empty myself.

That's what he said to me while dating me.

And at first I was like, that's a good line.

I wonder where you were.

Who did he hear that from empty myself?

Oh?

That sounds really good.

But then words become power Yes when their reality.

Yes, he lived it, he did it, and so did I, and so did I.

I live to care for that man.

You know.

I've heard people say when the spouse becomes ill, the other that's the caregiver.

I've heard them say, you just give up your whole life.

I don't feel like I gave up my life.

I feel like my life changed.

I feel like there was a change of roles in my life.

I was no longer just his spouse, his lover, his friend, his confidante.

I became his caregiver.

But it wasn't like all on, I gotta take care of my husband.

It was like, I get to take care of my husband.

It was my privilege, it was my joy, It was my.

Honor, good Lord, Cassie Jesus, I get to take care of my husband.

Yeah, I was happy to do it.

When I say this.

To teach people how to choose, because when I say, we be choosing people just so poorly, you know what I'm saying.

It's like.

The scripture says, charm is deceptive and beauty doesn't last, but a woman who fears and reverences God is greatly to be praised.

When we really understand the magnitude the gravity of that scripture, you wouldn't just be swiping on these dating apps and ooh she fine, that's gonna be my wifey.

Ooh she fine.

On Instagram, Ooh that's wifey right there.

Because you find it got a big booty that qualifies her as being your wifey.

But the minute you get sick, she like, ain't been take care of you.

You better go get with these home help people.

That ain't.

That ain't what I signed up for.

I've seen a real that some woman said that about a husband, like I didn't sign up all that, you know what I'm saying.

And I was like, you didn't sign up for that.

That is the very vow that you took.

Unless y'all wrote your own vowel, but you wrote in the val says through sickness and in health that was a value to it.

He's like, I ain't gonna be doing all that.

I ain't gonna be wiping you up behind you.

I'm not doing that.

And it greeves my heart that men leave.

I have friends that are nurses.

They said, you be, you have no idea about how many men leave their wives in the hospital when they're fighting terminal illness.

And they're like, I can't do all that.

I can't.

But you know, well, the terraces what you're saying, it's absolutely true.

I wish that I could say that I don't know, you know scenarios or couples where this has happened, but unfortunately I know several.

But here's the thing.

I think we need to factor in the dating space.

While you're so preoccupied with the snatchways and the big behind you know, and you know you big here, you know, while you're so preoccupied with all of that, have that conversation in the dating space.

So then what does this look like if I become terminally ill?

What if this looks like if life happens.

I'm in a car wreck, it renders me paralyzed.

What does it look like when worse becomes worse?

Not just from better to worse, but when worse becomes worse?

What does that look like for you?

And I?

So, if I am sick to the point where I'm paralyzed, I'm a paraplegic.

I'm now in a wheelchair.

I can do very little for myself.

Many would call me in a vegetated state.

Is that your exit or do you stay?

Those are the real conversations that most people dating don't think to have talk about it.

Because they don't want to be negative.

They don't want to put that out there in the quote unquote universe.

But that's real life absolutely.

So what happens is you build a marriage on shallow ground.

That part so when real life happens, you don't have any foundation, and so that shallow ground.

Just to send a rates and I have friends who have been together in marriage because remember, length doesn't mean strength.

The amount of years that you've been married doesn't necessarily mean you've had a strong marriage for that many years.

I know people that have been married for twenty five years and miserable twenty four.

You just got healed a year ago.

But you've been in this twenty five years, So at what point do you factor in where you stand in the event of life happening?

And if you don't talk about it in the dating space, it's not too late in the first few years of marriage.

At some point, educate yourself, take responsibility for your own learning.

How's your daughter doing, how your kids doing?

They're navigating?

I think my kids have shown me a strength that I didn't realize.

Say had to be really honest.

You know, when you're raising your children, you pour your heart and your soul into them, and you hope for the best.

You pray that they're gonna use it and that they're they're taking it and they're being sponges of all the good and the constructive.

But when you see it walked out before you, it's very humbling.

I saw my son stand in stature and strength that I never knew he had.

I saw my daughter be strong for me in ways that I didn't think she was capable of.

And then I saw her show up for herself in ways that I didn't even think she was equipped to.

Because God is their foundation and he's making the difference in how they're navigating this, and then I just allow them the freedom to not be well.

It's okay to not be okay.

And I think the issue is me pulling myself back to not try to fix them.

Yeah, not being okay.

You know, it just hit me.

They got the privilege to at least have their father at their weddings.

He did both of them.

Both of them, because your son got married, well last year with a couple.

Five years five years ago, five years now.

So Camille got who got married, first son, the son got married and then Camille.

So he got a chance to walk his daughter down.

Now, yeah, and meet both his grandbabies.

You see what I'm saying?

Yeah, thanks, and everything go.

Well.

You're looking good, just sounding good.

I can't wait to just see the next iteration of your life.

What God is going to do.

He's done some amazing things through your life.

I'm only I'm only known you married, so I don't even know whose single Castie is.

You know what I'm saying, I don't even know who she is.

You don't even know who she is because this is a different era of your life.

Yeah, what else would you like to share before we conclude what may be on your heart.

Just that if you are grieving a spouse, a child, a parent, a friend, a cousin and aunt whomever, allow yourself the space and time to process and to heal before you go back full fledg into your life.

Can you speak to married couples right now?

I can remember your vowels.

We stand at altars, we stand before judges, we stand in homes, and we declare our love to one another that I will love you forever.

I love you with my whole heart.

I love you with all that I have.

And initially it sounds good, but when life hits, remember your vowels, not just to the other individual, but as unto God.

Carl and I vow to love one another to the very end, unto God.

And I'm gonna tell you, as strong as that love is that we had for one another, nothing prepared me for holding my husband's warm hand and that warm hand growing cold.

But it's a satisfaction that I'll take to my grave, and knowing that till the very end, I kept my vow.

You know, I was joking with you and said that you never say, and it just proved that people go, look at this whole episode.

You never said not one time.

I'm jealous.

No, you did not.

I'm telling you.

I was waiting on it.

I'm halfway listening to you because I'm like, when she's gonna say, I told you never say uh, you never say oh, you are a professional public speaker.

You never say watch you're gonna watch.

You gonna be like I didn't say it.

I'm telling you, I don't know how you got like that, but just I'm jealous.

I was like, oh, listen that.

She still ain't never said it.

Yeah, you're you notice that because I want to.

I want to remove the ums out of my my my vocabulary.

I think you're very fluid, amazing.

I slide with the umb, I make it sound like a word.

Like so as you just not just keep on talking, but you just you're very It's like every word has a place and it's just so eloquent.

And I'd be like, I was listening to you the whole time.

I'm going like, you don't say like, you don't say, you don't say feel of words, you don't say none of that.

You don't notice that if you listen to yourself everything, I could have a sound bite out of just everything.

You're so easy to edit, so I could just go and here's a.

Thought, and then here's a thought, and every every thought is just well placed.

It's amazing.

So yeah, it's great.

So that's what you do well.

In my mind, Rihanna right told you.

She don't be saying, yes, recorded all this, you can talk.

It's my podcast.

Yeah, uh, this is what you don't know.

We call.

Paplay.

So it says that she's.

Just yeah, that's like a computer.

That's true, that's how you talk.

I'm like, that is and it's a very notice book.

I'm like, she's very eloquent.

I'm like, I want to do that one day.

Man, you you're the bomb.

Well, listen, how can we support you?

What you got going on?

Last time you just here, we just we we used to start buying up a whole lot of Uh.

I took the chicken salad down for a little bit.

But I'm finally pretty close to finishing my book.

I've been writing just, uh, the story of my life and and certainly you know, the chapters of Carl and I were all throughout, but just the story of my life.

God has just done some miraculous things over the course of my life and delivered me from a lot that I believe will help a lot of people.

Well, when you get fish right and you come right back on to this Yellow Couch so we can promote it and the book sales.

So yeah, definitely, definitely.

I bet that book is going to be rich.

He's gonna be loaded.

Well, listen, I still want some chicken salad.

So you can.

Get some chicken salad.

It's just available to the general salad.

Y'all don't even understand what I'm talking about.

That smoked chicken salad.

Oh Jesus, it is good.

I'm gonna make us say.

Man, thank you, Hey man.

I felt that in my son or I heard I felt that in my spirit right there, listen, thank you so much for blessing Yellow Couch.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Yeah, I know stuff like this.

It's uncomfortable for me to have a conversation this close to a loss, But.

I thank God that I have you to be able.

To say, hey, I trust this this sacred space to share this because you have no idea how many people are going to be blessed by the story.

They're going to just be like, You're going to be helping people walk through their grief process.

Something that you said in the episode may help them go box up the close, It may help them.

Let me ask you this before I conclude, is that your wedding ring on it is?

I just.

That's going to make you cry a little, but I'm going to get through it.

It was a life mission for Karl to upgrade my ring.

And we had come into a bit of a windfall financially, and some things happened in his health and we ended up having to spend out a lot of that elsewhere and he saved.

He worked over time and heart and he saved.

And it was a life mission for him to upgrade my ring.

And it just feels like a betrayal to remove it right now.

I don't know when that will happen, and when that will come, I'm not in a hurry.

This is just one way that he's very close to me.

It's good, Yeah, that's good.

That's beautiful.

Make it a necklace?

Well what I also a wear this whether it matches anything or not.

Carl was a very simple man.

This is his wedding band and this just gold man and he was a very simple man.

I try to upgrade this logold band.

Oh my god, it was my nemesis.

I was like, honey, I'll just get you like you know, a chrome, when I'll give you, you know, something black.

I'm my goodness, please just let me know.

He loved a gold band, and when he transitioned and the funeral directors came to get him, I realized, oh my god, I did not get his gold band.

So when I went there to make arrangements, the first thing out of my mouth was, I need my husband's band.

They said, it's okay.

We checked it in.

It was in the safe, and it's like when they went to get it and I put it around my necklace, it was just like a resolve in me that, okay, I can get through this now.

I can't really tell you much about anything else following that meeting and then that time there, but just having it and having it close to me is just that reminder of the simplicity of who he was.

But yet he was extremely profound, one of the most brilliant minds I've ever encountered.

But he was so comfortable with no light on his face.

He was never under any drest to prove himself to anybody.

Was often the most confident and the most prepared and the most capable in the room and was content that no one knew it.

It's like, how do you do that?

You have so much knowledge and never saw the light?

Kay?

This simplicity, right, you said?

Can I please, don't you change my rights?

Adamant about it?

No, ma'am, I'm good.

Because that one is blinging on your finger.

It's a whole house on your finger.

Lord God, deal.

With honey, good Lord.

Yeah, that'd be very hard to part with you.

Just yeah, in your own time and do what you do.

How can people follow you?

You can follow me on Instagram, I'm on TikTok, I'm on Facebook, Assundra music on all of those, or just my name I think on TikTok, but under music on Instagram and Facebook send me friend requests.

And y'all don't know.

Maybe y'all your first time seeing on the podcast.

She can sing, so hopefully she starts doing a whole lot more of that again.

But yeah, she yeah, she's a she's a worshiper, she's a songstress.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, stop yourself.

Yeah, I ain't gonna do it.

I ain't gonna do it because she can't never be in my presence without us I'm gonna try to be nice.

Christ is my favorite foundation, little rock.

Or you're just gonna singing.

But yeah, you just said earlier you was talking about the foundation thing that that was in my spirit.

You're tired in.

I'm gonna let it go.

God bless you guys.

See y'all, y'all just see on social media and worship with her.

Y'all be blessed.

You are a mass.

Stay tuned to the end for a letter to my future wife.

Writing these love letters you.

Ladarian thrust it suddenly into child protective services In twenty fifteen, my nephew, black a boy, the likelihood have been adopted outside.

Of kinship slim to none?

Rmione, sixteen years old, black a boy with five years in the Falster care system before I even knew his name.

The likelihood have ever been adopted?

Yep, you guessed it.

Slim to none.

While Ladarian and OURMIONI were trying to survive and barely thrive in an overpopulated and underfunded false care system, I was living my own life, doing well professionally, having been a single father with a daughter who at that point was doing well in college.

It was my time to live my life right wrong.

I felt unsettled, tireless, agitated.

There are just two many of our black children stuck in ambiguity and in the limbo of the Falter care system.

In twenty seventeen, I legally adopted my nephew Ladaria.

Fast forward to twenty nineteen.

I had no ties to this other young king, but I felt God instructed me to adopt them also in il bate.

Starting over with parenting should have been enough.

Right, Working with various foster care and adoption agencies to help bring awareness to the countless young Black kings and the Falster care system should have decreased My agitation.

Right joined the board of directors of Advantage of Adoption and organization that helps find permanent adoptive homes for children in false care should have led to some type of resolve.

Right.

No, not at all.

None of it felt like I had done enough.

I now realized that every one of those experiences was land the fundamental foundation for my life's mission.

Kingdom Royal.

Kingdom Royal would be a luxury, state of the art home for foster boys.

Our first location will be in the Dallas Fort Worth Metroplex.

We will utilize the whole person approach that instills identity, empowers them to advocate for themselves, and enlightens them regarding new perspectives and limitless options that they thought were impossible.

Though the young Kings will attend the local public schools that are in proximity the King of Royale, our at home curriculum will broaden their worldview through participating in the arts, attending various cultural events, learning about and engaging in multifaceted discussions about current events and even relevant historical contexts, Introducing them to gardening and landscaping, and even caring for our animals on our form and on site stables.

We just launched our startup capital campaign with the goal of raising two point eight million dollars.

Now why two point eight million dollars?

Well.

In twenty seventeen, I created a web series in which I performed random acts of kindness for targeting the homeless community.

One of the most notable successes was that one of the videos went viral, garnering twenty eight million views.

However, one of my biggest regrets is that I didn't raise a single dollar to help in implementing a more sustainable plan for the homeless community.

So throughout the years, with much remorse, I reflect and I'm not maximizing that moment.

I knew if at that.

Time just ten percent of the viewers donated one dollar, we would have raised at least two point eight million dollars that could have really established long term support for the homeless community, or at least started a long term initiative to do so.

This is my do over, this is our new beginning.

Together, we can attack this at the root by specifically helping our homeless Black boys who are already disproportionately represented in the American fossil care system.

I'm a terisar Wickfield.

I've been nominated for three regional Emmys documenting my work with the homeless as well as my personal adoption journey.

Despite those accolades, the greatest award for me is truly providing the infrastructure for a transformed life.

Visit kingdomoryal dot com for more details, Crown a King and make a donation today.

Man, I hope y'all found value in that episode.

Gosh, that was so powerful.

This letter is short and sweet.

Dear future wifey with you, every minute will matter.

I'll empty myself for selfishness pride and fear.

I'll love you fiercely, laugh.

With you often, and hold you close because life is but a vapor Until my final breath, it's you till death.

Do us part, your future healthy.

I hope you enjoyed this episode of the Dear Future Wife podcast.

Remember be lit to live intentionally and transparently, and don't stop loving.

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