[SPEAKER_02]: Today on the Relationship Renovation podcast, Tara and I are going to give you a tool that makes difficult times much easier.

[SPEAKER_00]: Hello all and welcome to the Relationship Innovation Podcast, I am Tara Kerwin.

[SPEAKER_02]: And my name is E.J.

[SPEAKER_02]: Kerwin and today we're going to be talking about a tool that we use and it has been a real, I mean it's a huge difference maker in us dealing with tough stuff within our own relationship.

[SPEAKER_00]: Not even tough just life.

[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's not even tough stuff.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's just like [SPEAKER_02]: dealing with stuff together in a more effective way for sure.

[SPEAKER_02]: And it comes from a guy named Dr.

Stan Taken, who we've had on the show a couple times a few different episodes, I'll put in the show notes the episodes he's been on.

[SPEAKER_02]: He's like as terror first of him.

[SPEAKER_02]: as the mad scientist of love.

[SPEAKER_02]: And he's just this like he has the packed institute, which is like all kinds of incredible research on relationships.

[SPEAKER_02]: We've gone on a retreat.

[SPEAKER_02]: We went on a retreat to Spain with him, which is one of the coolest experiences of my life.

[SPEAKER_00]: And when he shared this idea, what we're gonna be talking about today, predict plan prepare.

[SPEAKER_00]: I was like, oh my gosh, that's amazing.

[SPEAKER_00]: And when we use it, our life feels so much more manageable and when we forget because we do, I'm like, oh my gosh, we forgot to triple-peat, predict plan prepare.

[SPEAKER_00]: And so we remind ourselves how important it is.

[SPEAKER_00]: And yes, it's like kind of like a new habit or behavior you have to get used to.

[SPEAKER_00]: But once you start doing it more often than not, [SPEAKER_00]: It feels so good and we'll give you an example later on, like something so simple.

[SPEAKER_02]: So what it is, it's called predict plan and prepare.

[SPEAKER_02]: It's a tool that couples can use to help them go through life, deal with certain situations, [SPEAKER_02]: go from day to day together in a more seamless way where they feel connected, right?

[SPEAKER_02]: And they're prepared for it.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's moving with intention through what our life looks like and planning for it.

[SPEAKER_02]: Yes.

[SPEAKER_02]: And so the first thing I think it's important for us to talk about terror is just like, so let's start off for our listeners and just saying, like, why do couples struggle when there's not a plan?

[SPEAKER_00]: To me, I just, I mean, I can only answer this for myself.

[SPEAKER_00]: See, I get very overwhelmed with like all the things we have to do, whether it's like meals, ordering groceries, getting the kids ready for school, picking them up, going to the sports.

[SPEAKER_00]: And for me, if it's all in my head and actually research shows this too, but if it's all in my head and that kind of out there somewhere, it makes me anxious.

[SPEAKER_00]: but I take it out and I become more tors or just more like rigid around in our environment.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah.

[SPEAKER_00]: And so when we do have a plan again, we'll talk about something so minor that happened yesterday and we predicted plan prepared it this morning and it went seamlessly almost.

[SPEAKER_00]: And so that when you do have this plan you're like it's like it's out of my head internally and it's you and I are both on the same page and we're agreeing to do [SPEAKER_00]: what this is and it feels it just feels like okay we got this like we're on a team we talked about it we're not individually suffering from it or like crunching it in our head.

[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, I think I think you did there as you like really personalized it to us and I think what I can do [SPEAKER_02]: is I can broaden that to everybody else out there, is it you're saying like in moments where we don't have a plan, you can get anxious, you can get more rigid, right?

[SPEAKER_02]: And that can have an effect on us.

[SPEAKER_02]: And then when we don't have a plan or we're not connected, is I get really up in my head and I get a little more withdrawn, right?

[SPEAKER_02]: And so those things collide.

[SPEAKER_02]: They create friction between the two of us.

[SPEAKER_00]: that I'm also parallels an avoidant attachment and anxious.

[SPEAKER_02]: Absolutely, and what that speaks to is that when couples don't have a plan, then they both go into their individual adaptive ways they deal with whatever is happening.

[SPEAKER_02]: And oftentimes those things are not, they don't line up well, you know, because we're just two different people where we have different brains, we have different histories, we can have different genders possibly, you know, it's like there's just so much different about you versus me, that if we don't have a plan and if you and your partner don't have a plan, [SPEAKER_02]: then there's going to be problems.

[SPEAKER_02]: And especially, if it's certain like trigger issues, like if it's around things like going to see family, you know, in laws, if it's around discipline kids, in our case, it's funny like training a new puppy, you know, even like going out in a date and around intimacy, right?

[SPEAKER_02]: If there's like these new things that happen and you're not, [SPEAKER_00]: you increase the likelihood there's going to be conflict and you increase the likelihood that you're not going to prioritize any intentional quality time with your partner because now life hijacks you and not having a plan hijacks you and not being prepared hijacks you and then you're just like left at 930 at night like what just happened today and then there was so many moments of missed connection with your partner which is [SPEAKER_00]: This is why we do the podcast, right, because we know how busy life is, and we know how many moments of disconnection, there are, and we are trying to help couples, even in those brief moments, find connection, and when you predict plan prepare, you have moments of connection, because you're in it together, and you're like, we got this.

[SPEAKER_02]: And what happens is when you don't have a plan and you repeatedly keep having these hiccups where you don't cope well together and it's about homework with the kids and then it's about your sex life and then it's about money and then it's about in laws and then it starts to feel like we can't solve anything.

[SPEAKER_02]: Anything together and that starts to be a really horrible feel.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, it's where a lot of resentment or just feeling like it's not going to work out comes in.

[SPEAKER_02]: So we are here to help you everybody so the triple P so that this this tool.

[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you, Dr.

Stan.

[SPEAKER_02]: It is predict.

[SPEAKER_02]: It is planned.

[SPEAKER_02]: It is prepared, right?

[SPEAKER_02]: And so I'm just going to like kind of quickly go through what each of them are and then we can kind of break it down a little bit after that.

[SPEAKER_02]: So, you know, the first thing is just like, what is the situation or what are some situations that just they trip you guys up that like that is when [SPEAKER_02]: we get into arguments.

[SPEAKER_02]: That's when we start to feel very separate.

[SPEAKER_02]: So you identify one specific one, right?

[SPEAKER_02]: And then you plan, you know, you sit down together and you say, how do we want to handle that situation?

[SPEAKER_02]: Like, [SPEAKER_02]: What's your role?

[SPEAKER_02]: What's my role?

[SPEAKER_02]: What's the system that we can create that allows us, you know, what are the obstacles that we face in these moments?

[SPEAKER_02]: And so you've predicted the moment that you're going to be dealing with, you've created a plan for it and then you prepare.

[SPEAKER_02]: That's where you set yourself up for success before the situation happens.

[SPEAKER_00]: And before we go into our own example, please reach out to us if you want us to help you, predict plan prepare for anything that you guys might find difficult because we love hearing from our audience and emailing you back and just like giving you some ideas because I know like for us this comes natural very quickly right now because we've done it for so long.

[SPEAKER_00]: So we are here to support you, help you try to create that triple P for you guys too.

[SPEAKER_02]: All right, so let's first let's talk about our situation and how how we dealt with it what the problem was and then how predict plan and prepare changed it.

[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, so we know every morning this is unlike a school morning that it's a little hectic and we have about an hour to feed dogs, feed cats, make lunches for us, make lunches for the twins for school, make breakfast for us, get all the house chores done, make sure the kids brush their teeth, blah, blah, blah, get out of the house.

[SPEAKER_00]: Most mornings I get very overwhelmed because I feel like I have to do everything which is not the case But in my mind because that's just like my story since I was a little girl It's like it's all on me.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's all on me, and I get very overwhelmed and anxious and I know that that will happen every single morning and it happened two mornings ago and and for my side every morning [SPEAKER_02]: I wake up and I take off the minute I get out of bed, I wake the children up, I make terror a cup of coffee, I get dressed, I scoop the poop, I do the dishes, you know, like I'm going through it as well, but what happens is I'm very like in my own head and I just I just wake up and I start going into my own thing and I'm not checking in with terror.

[SPEAKER_02]: And then when she does get anxious and she does get resentful, then I get really frustrated because I can tell that she's thinking, I'm doing everything and I'm like, what do you think, what the heck do you think?

[SPEAKER_02]: I've been doing the last, like, 45 minutes.

[SPEAKER_02]: And so then I get really reactive because I'm like, she doesn't appreciate me and she doesn't even notice me and it's like, I start judging her and I'm like, oh, she's just like acting like a victim and blah, blah, blah, blah, you know.

[SPEAKER_00]: Well, and the things I noticed were like, oh, you already got to take a shower.

[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, you're making a smoothie for yourself.

[SPEAKER_00]: Like a lucky you.

[SPEAKER_02]: I know, like, and I used to, and so what I used to do is I used to like literally wait to give myself the smoothie as late as possible, though, like show or I'm not taking care of myself, but no matter what time I made the smoothie, she'd be like, oh, you're having a smoothie.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'd be like, so here's the issue.

[SPEAKER_00]: We didn't talk about our morning.

[SPEAKER_00]: We came back.

[SPEAKER_00]: We transitioned after the summer.

[SPEAKER_02]: And we've been doing this for years.

[SPEAKER_00]: And we just, so just yesterday, I was like, EJ was, let's have a different morning tomorrow because that doesn't feel good.

[SPEAKER_02]: Let's predict plan and prepare for this.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, so we both were like in agreement, like, yes, that would be a really good idea.

[SPEAKER_00]: And so we both right, we predicted that tomorrow is going to be just another morning.

[SPEAKER_00]: Nothing's changing.

[SPEAKER_00]: We don't have some magical house ferry coming in doing all of this for us.

[SPEAKER_00]: not.

[SPEAKER_00]: And so we both talked about it and said, yeah, let's come up with a plan.

[SPEAKER_00]: So on our, so that's the prepared piece, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: Like we're going to come up with a plan.

[SPEAKER_02]: Well, the first was we predicted we predicted that tomorrow was going to be like, yeah, every other morning for the since our kids have been in school for the past decade.

[SPEAKER_02]: We are going to deal with this, so let's deal with it in a constructive way.

[SPEAKER_00]: So the plan was, hey, we're going to put this up and we're going to have a plan for tomorrow morning between 5.30 a.m.

[SPEAKER_00]: and 7.

[SPEAKER_00]: And you are like cool.

[SPEAKER_00]: The plan was to put it up all on the whiteboard, right?

[SPEAKER_02]: Great.

[SPEAKER_02]: And that's important to us and why we made that plan is because then [SPEAKER_02]: She can look up there and she can see I'm actually doing things like that.

[SPEAKER_02]: I know what I'm doing Yeah, and that she knows what she's doing and then you know is interesting like putting it up on the board solved one problem and they're like she has a list of things.

[SPEAKER_02]: I have a list of things.

[SPEAKER_02]: They're about the same length [SPEAKER_02]: If they are the same, well, that was crazy.

[SPEAKER_00]: But to me, that's a visual.

[SPEAKER_00]: Like, oh, it's not all on me.

[SPEAKER_00]: And each of you's got this.

[SPEAKER_00]: But in my own anxiety mind, I don't have that because I don't have the visual.

[SPEAKER_00]: So for me, visuals are important.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.

[SPEAKER_00]: This is one reason why we have our couples do their six words right in the process in the beginning of their process.

[SPEAKER_02]: And the plan worked as well for me because I literally at one point walked up and said, Tara, I've...

[SPEAKER_02]: scooped the dog poop, I did the dishes, I did this, and she knew that things were getting done.

[SPEAKER_02]: So as we move through this, what I'm realizing is that we don't want to lump it all in together.

[SPEAKER_02]: We want to make sure you guys understand that predict [SPEAKER_02]: plan and prepare all happened before we woke up this morning, right?

[SPEAKER_02]: It is a process to get us ready once that situation, which for you might be a trip to your in-laws, right?

[SPEAKER_02]: It could be a date night.

[SPEAKER_00]: It could be homework with the kids.

[SPEAKER_02]: It could be homework with the kids.

[SPEAKER_02]: Do you have this all before, right?

[SPEAKER_02]: So for us, we predicted tomorrow morning.

[SPEAKER_02]: We'll be stressful like any other morning.

[SPEAKER_02]: We planned by saying what we're gonna do.

[SPEAKER_02]: We're gonna, one of the other things we planned on is we're gonna, at one point, early in the morning, we're gonna give each other a hug.

[SPEAKER_02]: We're gonna look into each other's eyes.

[SPEAKER_02]: We're gonna say, I love you, we have this.

[SPEAKER_02]: And then we also made the plan that we were gonna write everything on the board, on the white board.

[SPEAKER_02]: So it's terror knew what I was doing and I knew what she was doing, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: within that time span, you know.

[SPEAKER_02]: And then the prepare was Tara went and she wrote it all down.

[SPEAKER_02]: She executed the plan, right?

[SPEAKER_02]: There was no planning or preparing this morning.

[SPEAKER_02]: It had all been done before it happened, right?

[SPEAKER_02]: Because that's what's important.

[SPEAKER_02]: So say it's a trip to the In-laws' house.

[SPEAKER_02]: You said, hey, we're going to them laws.

[SPEAKER_02]: This is a place where sometimes we feel very disconnected.

[SPEAKER_02]: Our plan is we're going to give each other a hug before we walk in.

[SPEAKER_02]: Every 15 minutes, I'm going to walk up to Tara and I'm going to say, hey, how you doing?

[SPEAKER_02]: I'm going to put my hand in her back and make a version of a cheek, right?

[SPEAKER_02]: And then the prepare is like, we're going to as we drive there.

[SPEAKER_02]: We're going to remind ourselves of what our plan is.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, so just like this morning, I was like, remember honey, this is our morning.

[SPEAKER_00]: Try to like do it in order, like go ahead and get your shower in.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to do these chores.

[SPEAKER_00]: And can I just say it was amazing.

[SPEAKER_00]: I didn't have anxiety today.

[SPEAKER_00]: I had a little bump in the road because my daughter spoke into disrespectful way, but that's a whole other podcast.

[SPEAKER_02]: Well, but no, but it's, it's totally related, right?

[SPEAKER_02]: Because the great thing about predictive plan and prepare is you're also more prepared for a curveball.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, because you can't prepare for everything.

[SPEAKER_02]: You cannot prepare for everything.

[SPEAKER_00]: And there was a curveball, but I remember I went up and hugged you after, because you really helped me.

[SPEAKER_00]: Because we were already a team with this morning routine, because we had [SPEAKER_00]: It was not prepared for my daughter to be a little snarky, but because Eugenay had already had this and he was like, hey, honey, like, I've got this, like, you know, you go finish.

[SPEAKER_00]: You go finish this.

[SPEAKER_00]: I was like, thank you.

[SPEAKER_00]: And so it didn't spiral, what you could have right end up crying.

[SPEAKER_02]: And that's a huge win for us, for me, was like, I don't know many times where in the middle of a stressful situation, you've come to me and given me a hug.

[SPEAKER_00]: I did while you were doing this, yeah.

[SPEAKER_02]: Because normally, [SPEAKER_02]: In those stressful situations, we're disconnected and you don't feel safe coming to me.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yes.

[SPEAKER_02]: And so by predicting, by planning, by preparing, you felt safe then to come to me and give me a hug on that and that felt really great.

[SPEAKER_00]: Like I was just like, wow, building a emotional safety in the relationship.

[SPEAKER_00]: That is our jam and that is our jam to help others do as well because it truly is freedom when there's not that threat in your relationship that you can [SPEAKER_00]: But you don't get hijacked.

[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_02]: And so, I think it's always important whenever we're offering you guys a new tool, something that you're going to try out is knowing that it's not going to be perfect the first time.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_02]: Right.

[SPEAKER_02]: That this is a new thing that we've, we went on this retreat with Dr.

Stan, who's when I, so, 20, 20 years ago.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_02]: It's been three years ago, right?

[SPEAKER_02]: And so we've known about predictive plan and prepare.

[SPEAKER_02]: We've been trying to implement it.

[SPEAKER_02]: off and on for years.

[SPEAKER_02]: And we're now like getting much better at it.

[SPEAKER_02]: Like I feel like we got it now.

[SPEAKER_02]: And that that's part of this journey together is there's no silver bullet.

[SPEAKER_02]: Yes, this is our our coaches tell this all the time.

[SPEAKER_02]: There's a thousand gold BBs.

[SPEAKER_02]: You know, is that we just got to [SPEAKER_02]: but it's gonna come around the more you try to do.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I would say just call the action, make it a simple one, like for us, it was just like that 90 minutes in the morning.

[SPEAKER_00]: We know that we always get tripped up in the morning.

[SPEAKER_00]: So pick something like, you know, not like a whole day thing or something that's really intense, pick out something like, wow, this is where we usually like get tripped up or feel disconnected or more anxious.

[SPEAKER_00]: Pick that time to talk with your partner and do a little trial, like, predict plan prepare.

[SPEAKER_02]: Absolutely.

[SPEAKER_02]: And Tara mentioned something just a few moments ago about emotional safety is something that we've had multiple podcasts about something that we really believe in cultivating within relationship and we're kind of excited we just added something to our website where if you go to relationship renovation.com there's an [SPEAKER_00]: beginning middle and end.

[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, at the beginning middle and of our our relationship renovation model.

[SPEAKER_02]: And so it's a cool thing that you can do right now is go to our website.

[SPEAKER_02]: It'll pop up.

[SPEAKER_02]: You take the quiz and you know, you and your partner can do it together or you could do it individually.

[SPEAKER_02]: And once you submit it, [SPEAKER_02]: It will give you an answer.

[SPEAKER_02]: It will kind of give you like a range of like, hey, this is what your score is.

[SPEAKER_02]: And this is like probably some of the things that you might be struggling with, maybe some of the things that might be going really positive in your relationship.

[SPEAKER_02]: But it's a nice assessment.

[SPEAKER_02]: It's a good way to kind of look at like where are we at.

[SPEAKER_02]: It also will get you plugged into our mailing list and we [SPEAKER_02]: have resources we send out every single week tools that you can use, book recommendations, things we're working on.

[SPEAKER_02]: So go to relationshiprenevation.com and and take that emotional safety assessment.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_00]: So take that emotional safety assessment on our website.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's really cool.

[SPEAKER_00]: And also if you're wanting to know which episodes like we really focus on the emotional safety because you maybe took that assessment and it's like, wow, we could be building our emotional safety just reach out.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I can send you which podcast episodes might be the best for the emotional safety discussions and processing and like really how to build that because that really is the core of freedom in our relationship to be able to be who we need to be.

[SPEAKER_02]: And if you want to reach out to us and you have any questions, you want to give us any feedback, you want to tell us about a topic you'd like us to explore, just email us at podcast at relationship renovation.com.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yay, we're so excited.

[SPEAKER_00]: Again, thank you so much for listening.

[SPEAKER_00]: As always, take care of yourself.

[SPEAKER_00]: Take care of each other.

[SPEAKER_00]: Bye bye.

[SPEAKER_00]: Bye bye.

[SPEAKER_01]: You're just singing on the train, me and you, listening to the rain, me and you, we are the same, me and you, have all of you.