[SPEAKER_01]: Today on the Relationship Renovation podcast, we talk about how life and events can tear you apart.

[SPEAKER_01]: But if you stay connected, they can actually bring you more deeply together.

[SPEAKER_03]: Hello everyone and welcome to the Relationship Innovation podcast.

[SPEAKER_01]: I am Tara Kerwin and my name is Eja Kerwin and today I think is going to be like a little bit of you know like an opening up a little bit of just taking a step into a little vulnerable but honest [SPEAKER_03]: vulnerability.

[SPEAKER_03]: Yes, but we love that.

[SPEAKER_03]: I think our audience likes that.

[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_03]: And it's interesting because we show up in our studio and each is like, what ideas do you have?

[SPEAKER_03]: And I'm like, well, let me hear yours first.

[SPEAKER_03]: And the first idea I was the one I had to so we're like, we're going to the same sandwich.

[SPEAKER_03]: We have nothing prepared for today.

[SPEAKER_01]: So this is an [SPEAKER_01]: real and it's very like applicable to what our audience wants to hear and really what our mission is here is helping couples.

[SPEAKER_01]: be connected, you know, and like we have one couple we're working with right now who, you know, it's just really difficult for them to stay connected in difficult moments.

[SPEAKER_03]: And I would say that's most of our...

Yeah, I mean, that's most of us.

[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, that's been us and in the past.

[SPEAKER_01]: And I mean, what we're opening up about today, [SPEAKER_01]: is that it's been a really tough year.

[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, it has been, because yesterday was my birthday, which for me is always a lot about reflection and kind of like, you know, in some ways like measuring a little bit.

[UNKNOWN]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_01]: But it has been a really tough year for us.

[SPEAKER_03]: And we were reflecting on because we've built the emotional safety and have the skills to get through that difficult time.

[SPEAKER_03]: We are out on the other side and we were thinking, gosh.

[SPEAKER_03]: Imagine all of those people that don't have those skills is at emotional safety in the relationship like how we could see how quickly it could turn into separation, of course, like you name it.

[SPEAKER_03]: And so that's why we wanted to like, we're so grateful that we have each other and that we have those skills to be continuing actually to get through this.

[SPEAKER_03]: Difficult time and then we have all that compassion for those that don't, but that's why we do what we do Because we can say like at least we have each other no matter what happens in our life right now at least We can count that we have each other.

[SPEAKER_01]: I mean it's and it's been very it's like a double-sided coin Right is that if we hadn't done the work that we've done in the past decade together [SPEAKER_01]: I don't know if we could have survived this year with the Ammanus external stress we've had.

[SPEAKER_01]: if we didn't do the work to stay present for each other, to be honest about difficult things, to have breakdowns and find ways to repair, that if we didn't have that, I don't know how we would have survived this year as a couple, and then the flip side of that coin is, I don't know how I could have, [SPEAKER_01]: gotten through this year without you like I don't know how we could survive the amount of stress and the ups and downs and the you know just difficult moments if I didn't have you if we didn't have each other like I don't know how we'd survive.

[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, well, it's the work we've done, which has created.

[SPEAKER_03]: I know I've used this terminal at the emotional safety, so although there might have been external threats right in our life around finances really is the big one.

[SPEAKER_03]: that would have usually leaked into our relationship, right?

[SPEAKER_03]: Relationship threats, like it's either this or we're done, but because we have that, there wasn't a threat to the relationship, regardless of the financial threat, so that we could survive it together.

[SPEAKER_03]: We are surviving it together, no matter what happens.

[SPEAKER_03]: I'm so that emotional safety leads to the relationship, right?

[SPEAKER_03]: We can't control external stuff, but it [SPEAKER_03]: so that we can withstand whatever our life's going to throw at us.

[SPEAKER_03]: It's like Stuthro shit at us, man.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, well, and it's allowed us to have difficult times.

[SPEAKER_01]: but then by being connected in it, feeling really, really together and supported, and not going into, like, I'll just speak for myself.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, not going into my old way of doing things, which my old way of doing things is that I just go internal.

[SPEAKER_01]: I don't share, [SPEAKER_01]: I get distant, but don't think I'm distant.

[SPEAKER_01]: I find ways to sort of like shut off my emotions while sort of fronting that I'm actually there.

[SPEAKER_01]: And then I also then would bear the burden of all of my stress.

[SPEAKER_01]: like internally, and then eventually get sort of like, you know, like short abrupt sarcastic, you know, whatever, that like I haven't been going into that, which then, and you pushed me a lot on that over the years about being open, even if it's difficult, you can handle it, share what's going on.

[SPEAKER_01]: And then in doing so like this year, like I haven't felt alone in, [SPEAKER_01]: a few weeks ago, we had a really difficult conversation, like late at night, where it was hard.

[SPEAKER_01]: All of my, like, all of my defensiveness and shame around, around where I'm at, all that we're like flaring.

[SPEAKER_01]: but it didn't like rock us for days.

[SPEAKER_01]: Like in fact, like we got through that conversation and it felt like such a relief to like be able to open up in that way and just like access it.

[SPEAKER_01]: Like I felt like desperation in that and I was expressing in ways that could be seen as like [SPEAKER_01]: You know, maybe even anger or something, but it wasn't angry towards you, who's anger towards me on myself and towards the situation.

[SPEAKER_03]: Well, and had we not had that conversation?

[SPEAKER_03]: I would have gone into my old story like this is too hard.

[SPEAKER_03]: The grass is greener.

[SPEAKER_03]: I'm not doing this anymore.

[SPEAKER_03]: Total powerlessness, resentful towards you, right?

[SPEAKER_03]: So I'm so thankful because even though it was a difficult conversation and things are very real, [SPEAKER_03]: I was like, okay, I got two choices here.

[SPEAKER_03]: I could either be really angry at EJ for actually opening up to me and telling me like the reality of our situation, or I could support him because that is what we've done together and he's opening up.

[SPEAKER_03]: And so I, where I could have gone down that grass is greener, I'm going to stay with resentment.

[SPEAKER_03]: I can't believe this is happening either.

[SPEAKER_03]: I don't want to deal with this anymore.

[SPEAKER_03]: It's like, oh, god, absolutely not.

[SPEAKER_03]: Like, it was a very quick shesh.

[SPEAKER_03]: But not to say that those feelings don't still happen.

[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, suffering feelings still happen.

[SPEAKER_03]: Well, and it's tough to use a different route.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, because, you know, so we are showing up for each other in different ways, being honest, having confidence in our relationship, but we're still like, we're talking about some of the problems that we have struggled with.

[SPEAKER_01]: are a result of our old faulty way of doing things from like five years ago, like some of the systems around like communication around money and even just like decision-making, like of just like making decisions are based upon unhealthy ways we were doing with it five [SPEAKER_01]: Still, and that goes not just a lot of our difficulty right now is around one particular thing, but it's even when we talk about parenting and the phone and technology, even that in the moment we do those discussions better, but we're still cleaning up patterns.

[SPEAKER_01]: that we created six years ago, so it gets really difficult because when you have those difficult conversations, even though you're doing them more healthy in the moment, you're commenting on like, like, why didn't you tell me this?

[SPEAKER_01]: six years ago and I'm saying like well you didn't want to hear it or you know and so it's like we can't revisit it but we have to also talk about it right because it's like and it's just been I mean I'm just so grateful to you because like oddly enough like and this is I told you the day I was like I don't know if I've ever been if I struggled as much as I've been struggling this [SPEAKER_01]: And in the midst of that, I feel the closest.

[SPEAKER_03]: It's an echo.

[SPEAKER_01]: I've ever, I've ever felt for you.

[SPEAKER_01]: And at a time where, like, I mean, there have been, like, I told you before we started this, I was like, I understand how people go to really dark places in these times now.

[SPEAKER_01]: Oh, yeah.

[SPEAKER_01]: Good.

[SPEAKER_01]: I'd never totally got that until this year.

[SPEAKER_01]: of like quite frankly like how people get to the point where they where they consider ending their lives and stuff because it's like sometimes you get back into a whole.

[SPEAKER_03]: I think the thing that happened for us again, listen if you're a couple struggling, we all struggle and we try to triage each other in moments of suffering because you and I would go back and forth between like victim and powerlessness versus like, wait okay, hang on we're still good people like okay.

[SPEAKER_03]: And so like you would have your bad mornings or bad afternoons or bad days, and you would cry, and I would hold you up.

[SPEAKER_03]: And then I'd have my bad moments, my bad days, my bad hours, and you'd hold me it up.

[SPEAKER_03]: And sometimes they were at the same time, but most of the time, like we fluctuated in that.

[SPEAKER_03]: And so that was really nice, because it's not like this difficult situation isn't like I'm empowered, all of the time that we're going to get through this.

[SPEAKER_03]: It's like a roller coaster you go from feeling like a victim and powerless like I've I've just been in good person trying to help other people To oh my gosh, like no matter what happens will be okay, and it's literally like a grief cycle You're just like holding on and then I've got to let go though and there's so many different emotions But that we could support each other through that is huge so we're not saying that it's like just the sense of empowerment when you have emotional safety [SPEAKER_03]: and you're together during a really difficult time, ours is a financial crisis.

[SPEAKER_03]: But that we support each other through our grieving, really, and we all have different processes.

[SPEAKER_03]: And no matter what happens, this is like at the core of it, if we had to move into a freaking studio apartment with all of our kids and our four animals, like, I'm okay, I've got you, done, it's okay.

[SPEAKER_01]: Can it be like a farm in the middle of nowhere, like a one bedroom farm?

[SPEAKER_01]: Like we'll have cows chickens.

[SPEAKER_01]: Here's something interesting in the context of all the tools and all of the different interventions that we talked to couples about.

[SPEAKER_01]: What's interesting, and I think this, I don't know, you'll have to tell me if this is okay, Tarak, so I'm taking a little risk here, is we've definitely implemented all kinds of the things that we've talked about in getting us through, like we've used code or, and we've used cognitive restructuring of understanding like why am I triggered?

[SPEAKER_03]: Acceptance versus resignation.

[SPEAKER_01]: And we've done acceptance and resignation that I accept this in this place, but I don't resign to or hear forever.

[SPEAKER_03]: emotions in our relationship.

[SPEAKER_01]: And we've acknowledged our emotions and we've predicted planet prepared our asses off for for stuff, right?

[SPEAKER_01]: So we've used all the tools, right?

[SPEAKER_01]: But then there's this other component of what are the things we want in our life that we've talked about for years and some of these things are things that we've been very disconnected and not had.

[SPEAKER_01]: And in this difficult time, one of the things that we've always wanted has really come, there's this saying I heard a long time ago, who's underneath the cracks in the sidewalk or flowers, waiting to bloom.

[SPEAKER_01]: And one of the things is like, we've always wanted to have [SPEAKER_01]: a more robust spiritual life, more of a connection to God, and that has this year block skyrocketed in ways that we and we're so it feels like we're so together in it.

[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, and it was something.

[SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, it's like, but not in that kind of way, like, and giving away my power kind of thing, but just [SPEAKER_01]: And it's been a way that we've connected.

[SPEAKER_01]: And we've wanted that for years.

[SPEAKER_01]: That's been on our list for years and years.

[SPEAKER_01]: Is having a spiritual connection of having a relationship with God.

[SPEAKER_01]: And I mean, I think it's almost vulnerable for us to talk about, right?

[SPEAKER_01]: Because we've always been to check up for everything.

[SPEAKER_03]: For me, because I just grew up with a lot of people who believed in God, who weren't good people, right?

[SPEAKER_03]: So I had this stigma around it.

[SPEAKER_03]: But now that I know it's different, it's not about other people, it's about my [SPEAKER_03]: feeling in connection towards God.

[SPEAKER_03]: It doesn't have to be about what other people have done.

[SPEAKER_03]: You know, so yeah, I'm like, grateful and blessed that I'm connecting to my spirituality now, but before I would have been nervous because there's like a lot of people that have been hurt in religion.

[SPEAKER_03]: So I don't know.

[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, what I think is interesting about it is just that what's helped us get through this is utilizing all of these tools that we've talked about on this podcast for 250 or, you know, however many episodes we've done, we utilize all of those tools on a daily basis to help us manage, but then also like, under the six words stuff or like, you know, the things about [SPEAKER_01]: And what we want to visualize together and things that we've wanted for a long time in this really difficult time Have happened we've we've gotten really close together We've had this huge other area inter into our lives and it's just crazy and it's still stressful as hell It's still like we're not through it, you know [SPEAKER_03]: But that's, I mean, for anyone listening, and that's, I feel like I'm just gonna, everything you just said, like, we grow through difficult times.

[SPEAKER_03]: Right?

[SPEAKER_03]: It's how we had the twins and they were colloc and it was difficult and we grew.

[SPEAKER_03]: And then we started a couple counseling center and two sun because of it, like, we blended a family of two little boys growing up and you'd be in a B-Maw.

[SPEAKER_03]: And we grew, I mean, we just have taken all of our suffering [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, what do you feel then?

[SPEAKER_03]: I'm just grateful that I have the resilience to wisdom, suffering, I guess.

[SPEAKER_03]: I guess that's like, yeah, what's going on?

[SPEAKER_03]: I'm done.

[SPEAKER_03]: I'm grateful that I have the ability to grow through difficult times and a lot of people don't.

[SPEAKER_03]: I know that I'm like, for clients who used to see me or see me now, I think they think I'm such like a resilient spirit, because I am, and so I love mirroring that and modeling that, but I'm just, I would never have that had I not had to endure.

[SPEAKER_03]: But I had to endure, so I just feel like if I could help one person know that they have that strength inside of them, I'm doing my job, I don't care what else happens.

[SPEAKER_01]: Well, I mean, I think like on some level, I mean, so we have this, like we have us, so we've worked really hard to have a great relationship and our family.

[SPEAKER_01]: But then the other part of this is like, um, we felt a lot of people, you know, that's like, and I like have such Confidence with like every couple that we're working with and then also Seeing what's happened at our counseling center and all those people who like like wait is over.

[SPEAKER_03]: I'd have to be so take [SPEAKER_01]: So but it's just like that's the other thing is like I have a lot of confidence that we're doing a lot of good in this world and that people are being helped and that we care and They're like clearly we're doing it for the right reasons because because it's, you know, the extrinsic, you know, whatever the, you know, the, the, some of the payoffs that you really [SPEAKER_01]: One in this, you know, capitalistic, driven world and stuff have been what we struggle most with.

[SPEAKER_01]: But when it comes to like the actual like heart, lead stuff is like, I mean, we see couples go through hell and then come on and be so happy and loving.

[SPEAKER_01]: You know, I mean, it's, and their family stayed together.

[SPEAKER_03]: I know.

[SPEAKER_01]: And...

[SPEAKER_01]: like literally sit in front of us and say we have never been as close and that's not just the people we've worked with but the people are therapists of work with, you know, is like exponentially huge numbers of people have been helped.

[SPEAKER_03]: I just love that you're saying this because like owning a business and having multiple employees.

[SPEAKER_03]: Like it's just, it's constant and like we lost our, because we're just constantly running day to day operations, lots of transitions, right?

[SPEAKER_03]: They're up to sleep when they get licensed because they want to start their own private practice.

[SPEAKER_03]: All this stuff.

[SPEAKER_03]: But it's like, so we lost our core gift message.

[SPEAKER_03]: Like, we started doing this because of our own suffering and we knew that we could do it together.

[SPEAKER_03]: And they were like, oh, let's build this and then all these other things got in the way, all the other content right.

[SPEAKER_03]: And so like, we lost our, why we do this and then things started to strongly circling back to that.

[SPEAKER_03]: And things started to feel powerless.

[SPEAKER_03]: So just like know that like, when you, if you're in a difficult situation with your partner, [SPEAKER_03]: and all the content is there.

[SPEAKER_03]: Like, well, we don't have this and we're doing this and this keeps happening.

[SPEAKER_03]: That's a duh.

[SPEAKER_03]: Like, what was that initial core value that you share together?

[SPEAKER_03]: That made you want to be in this life with this person.

[SPEAKER_03]: And like, I know that it feels all covered up maybe and layered upon.

[SPEAKER_03]: But you can peel back those layers and usually it does take a crisis unfortunately, but we're saying maybe if you're not in crisis now think about that because you'll have more space and emotional space to do that because there's a gift there.

[SPEAKER_01]: But I mean, the paradox is that couples come so unhappy into our coaching program or into our therapy center because they're not connected and really what that's saying is like, [SPEAKER_01]: We love each other so much that this separation is freaking killing us.

[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm so mad at this other person because I just want to feel connected.

[SPEAKER_01]: I just want to feel loved.

[SPEAKER_01]: I just want to have fun.

[SPEAKER_01]: I just want to solve problems together in healthy ways.

[SPEAKER_01]: It's like you lose sight of that.

[SPEAKER_01]: You wouldn't give a crap.

[SPEAKER_01]: You wouldn't be so unhappy that you're disconnected.

[SPEAKER_01]: And so that is the sign.

[SPEAKER_01]: that there's something worth fighting for.

[SPEAKER_01]: We can get this to happen.

[SPEAKER_01]: And now we can help you.

[SPEAKER_01]: We can help you with that.

[SPEAKER_01]: Come in, give us a call, reach out for coaching, come to our counseling center, whatever.

[SPEAKER_01]: Like we can do that because you wouldn't, if you weren't listening to this podcast, you wouldn't give a crap, right?

[SPEAKER_03]: I forgot to say this, too.

[SPEAKER_03]: Our relationship innovation at Home Manual, is now available on Amazon.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.

[SPEAKER_01]: We're published authors.

[SPEAKER_03]: It's so cool though because it's like couples kid and it's like 24-99 I think on the Amazon and couples can go through and have all the access To all of the stuff on Amazon you can get them like two days And then you can join our patreon.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, we have video We have lessons video lessons We're doing a lot of cool stuff in the midst of all of this freaking craziness.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, we're actually doing a lot of cool stuff And obviously we're doing it because we care [SPEAKER_03]: And we're crazy and like, Amazon, you can take your 85% of those sales whenever.

[SPEAKER_01]: It's all good.

[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, we truly like, I mean, thank you guys for giving us this platform that there are people out there listening and we know that because we interact with you guys But thank you for being there because it allows us to like have purpose.

[SPEAKER_03]: Keep it does it keeps us going like I don't know people probably think like they make so we don't make a dime on our podcast We actually spend thousands of dollars on months to produce them without getting any money and our [SPEAKER_03]: We even had business coaches that said you guys like this is not a good idea and I'm like it's something I will never give up.

[SPEAKER_03]: It doesn't matter.

[SPEAKER_03]: I don't care.

[SPEAKER_03]: I'll never stop doing this.

[SPEAKER_03]: I don't need this to be about money.

[SPEAKER_03]: It's the one place where I feel like I'm compelled.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, when we get that letter from somebody and somehow we never heard of in the Midwest and they're like, we started listening, we've been listening for four months, we've never been happier.

[SPEAKER_01]: Our children said that they've noticed differences that forget about it.

[SPEAKER_03]: Forget about those freaking editing.

[SPEAKER_01]: It's all good.

[SPEAKER_01]: It's all good.

[SPEAKER_01]: It's all good.

[SPEAKER_01]: All right.

[SPEAKER_03]: Well, that was good.

[SPEAKER_03]: I feel so.

[SPEAKER_03]: proud of us.

[SPEAKER_03]: I feel so grateful that we can be vulnerable with our audience and feel grateful for all those people who actually like listen to our voice.

[SPEAKER_03]: And thank you again for just reaching out when we see emails and just on our social media platforms like it really make like every [SPEAKER_03]: single email or message or comment, like literally makes my heart smile.

[SPEAKER_03]: Again, thank you for listening and thank you for reaching out.

[SPEAKER_03]: And if you know someone that could just benefit from this episode, share it, review us, we love our reviews on our podcast platforms, it helps other people know that it's worth listening to.

[SPEAKER_01]: Check out that Patreon account.

[SPEAKER_01]: It's a cool [SPEAKER_01]: It's a cool thing we're building there.

[SPEAKER_01]: We're putting it together.

[SPEAKER_01]: It's going to be, I think it's going to be a lot of fun.

[SPEAKER_01]: I'm excited.

[SPEAKER_03]: We'll have like community access to like when we do our monthly lives, we'll be able to like interact.

[SPEAKER_03]: Thank you.

[SPEAKER_03]: All right, everybody.

[SPEAKER_03]: Thanks so much for listening.

[SPEAKER_03]: As always, take care of yourself.

[SPEAKER_03]: Take care of each other.

[SPEAKER_03]: Bye-bye.

[SPEAKER_00]: Bye-bye.