[SPEAKER_01]: Today on the Relationship Renovation podcast, we talk about hope and just why that's so important in making a fundamental shift in your relationship.

[SPEAKER_00]: Hello, all and welcome to the Relationship Innovation podcast.

[SPEAKER_01]: I am Tara Corwin and my name is E.J.

[SPEAKER_01]: Corwin and we are here on a beautiful fall day in Arizona where it will be 90 a cool 90 degrees today.

[SPEAKER_01]: Hey, that's better than 100.

[SPEAKER_00]: Happy fall weather.

[SPEAKER_01]: Happy fall weather.

[SPEAKER_01]: Happy fall.

[SPEAKER_01]: We did an episode of like a week or so ago about change the season.

[SPEAKER_00]: Oh yeah, that was good.

[SPEAKER_01]: People like that.

[SPEAKER_01]: It was just all about like not letting the season define you, but defining what the season is.

[SPEAKER_01]: So if you didn't listen to that bounce back on that one, that was a good one.

[SPEAKER_00]: So today's episode, it was kind of just organic.

[SPEAKER_00]: It happened, was it last night or today when you were like that last night?

[SPEAKER_00]: So tell me why you wanted to do this topic.

[SPEAKER_00]: Because I said, oh, that's a great topic.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's called, what is it hope?

[SPEAKER_01]: Holders of hope.

[SPEAKER_00]: Holders of hope.

[SPEAKER_01]: Holders of hope.

[SPEAKER_01]: And it's interesting because I have, [SPEAKER_01]: I have you know, new couples I work with, but I also have a lot of couples who like pop back in with me, you know, like I saw them three, five, six years ago.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and there's one couple that we should have nine years ago that just came back to us.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, yeah, and.

[SPEAKER_01]: when they come back sometimes and they all this is also something that happens at the very beginning of working with a couple is there's this injection that I give them of hope and of just like well of course we can you know because a big question they always ask is like are we just totally screwed up is it just like are we helpless is there like not are we just over should we just give up and i'm always like [SPEAKER_01]: No, like you guys are awesome, like you guys are great people and no, we got this.

[SPEAKER_01]: Let's clean this shit up and let's get you back on track and and so often what my experience with couples is that initial like injection at the beginning of the process of coaching or therapy is so important because they've lost hope.

[SPEAKER_01]: They're scared.

[SPEAKER_01]: You as listeners often times coming to this podcast for the first time, or maybe you've been listening to for a while, you're like scared.

[SPEAKER_01]: Like we are so stuck, we're unhappy.

[SPEAKER_01]: We don't know how to break out of this.

[SPEAKER_01]: And there's something incredibly important about a coach or a therapist coming in and just being a beacon of light of like, no, we can do this.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's like believing when someone else believes in you because you've lost that belief.

[SPEAKER_00]: And it just feels like again, like you said a dose of hope it feels empowering and it's making me remember when right, we're really good therapist and we had no clue about owning a business and managing staff.

[SPEAKER_00]: And when we hired our business coaches, Kyle and Ariel, they were like, you guys are amazing.

[SPEAKER_00]: Like, you might not have these skills, but we were feeling like really powerless in a place [SPEAKER_00]: We did.

[SPEAKER_00]: We were feeling like we suck and they came in and they were our hope holders, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: And that was almost a year ago and we are still like fighting like a fight in like heck for our counseling center to make sure that like revenue tops overhead and overhead doesn't that equation.

[SPEAKER_01]: We didn't know about it really.

[SPEAKER_01]: We just need to make more money than you spend.

[SPEAKER_00]: So yeah, so I, I love that.

[SPEAKER_00]: Like, and I, I just piggyback on you, AJ, because I have, I mean, I don't have new couples right now because we're saving space for our new coaching couples, but the couples that I do have, like, you know, I'll see them quarterly, monthly, summer, every other week.

[SPEAKER_00]: And they'll get into those little moments of despair.

[SPEAKER_00]: They've now built enough emotional safety to be like, oh my gosh, we've got this.

[SPEAKER_00]: But I remember, and I'll always remind them, do you guys remember when you thought you couldn't make it through this?

[SPEAKER_00]: And if that would have happened two years ago, you guys both wanted to run separate ways.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I remember staying with them and being they're like, hope holder, because I truly believe in that.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm not saying every couple should be together.

[SPEAKER_00]: We're not, we don't force relationships like that ever.

[SPEAKER_00]: but we also know when people do their work and they suffer less and they get more clarity around themselves and each other, at least they can make those choices now out of feeling empowered.

[SPEAKER_00]: And so.

[SPEAKER_01]: Well, and I think, you know, part of, you know, this idea of the holders of hope is first of finding like why might that be important to a couple, right?

[SPEAKER_01]: And normalizing, [SPEAKER_01]: Your experience out there, if you are somebody who's really struggling in your relationship, is that, you know, it's that statistic that Tara shared a while ago that, like, most couples, there's a study that says most couples spend six years unhappy before they finally get to the point seven years.

[SPEAKER_01]: before they get so unhappy that they reach out for help.

[SPEAKER_01]: And just think of like the cumulative fatigue of years of being stuck in the same negative dynamics getting the same results that it just buries you and despair.

[SPEAKER_00]: And so the idea of joy happening, it's because you've been in this chronic state of unhappiness and feeling like everything's wrong and we're not where we should be in blah, blah, blah.

[SPEAKER_00]: The idea of joy seems so far-fetched.

[SPEAKER_00]: But we also know that it truly can happen, which is why we believe in it so much that we are a hope holders.

[SPEAKER_00]: And we're also truth tellers, like we'll say, like this just isn't working, like something about this just feels really stuck.

[SPEAKER_00]: Again, we don't force it ever, but we have that deep core belief.

[SPEAKER_00]: that if you really want to make it work with your person because you love them and just a lot of shit got in the way, we're going to help you make that happen.

[SPEAKER_01]: And I think it's also to like it's important to tell you out there as well that that level of despair and unhappiness, that will motivate you to make some serious changes.

[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, I mean, I know [SPEAKER_01]: You know, like, I can think of a plane in our relationship where, and I don't remember if I talked about it in a podcast with you or just I was sharing it with you and some other people, but there was a moment where I was under a lot of stress, we were really communicating super poorly, and I conducted myself.

[SPEAKER_01]: In my opinion, the worst I've ever conducted myself with you.

[SPEAKER_01]: I said something like, really mean, it was, I cursed, it was like a low point for me.

[SPEAKER_01]: And I remember like walking up to my office after that moment, and just feeling so bad.

[SPEAKER_01]: And so like, I cannot believe that I am where I am.

[SPEAKER_01]: we are where we are.

[SPEAKER_01]: And that it was like a motivation to me, you know, like it gave me almost a glimmer of hope hitting that low.

[SPEAKER_01]: Like I put up a post that still is in that office that's like love, respect, and [SPEAKER_01]: and kindness.

[SPEAKER_01]: And it was like, that was my mantra from that point no matter how upset I am, no matter how reactive I become, I need to stay connected to that.

[SPEAKER_01]: And for whatever reason, like I had that internally, to get to that place, that was a turning point for me.

[SPEAKER_01]: But I think like a lot of times as couples, they get to that place and they come in and they need a coach or [SPEAKER_01]: Resilute confidence that like I can help these people and that's what we talk to our therapist about a lot is like You have to be careful with that like therapist.

[SPEAKER_01]: He like, well, what do you think the solution is it's like, well, you know If they had any idea what the solution is they wouldn't be sitting across the table from you It's like people need to sit down with a coach with a therapist who can look at them and have this like confidence They're like, yeah, I can help you.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_01]: Hell yeah, I can [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, you know, and I don't know if the reason you don't believe in yourself it can be everything and people who've gone through that know that it's it's the world and that's not like like I don't feel like I ever have like an element of like I'm BSing people like I really listen if there's something I'm hearing where [SPEAKER_01]: that's like, wow, we have to, I don't know, I wouldn't just say BS somebody and say we can do it.

[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_01]: But most couples, when you dig into it a little bit, and if they get to that place where they come to you, there's something we're saving.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, you know people who are listening to this now who write us emails, who book discovery calls with us like if you do that there's a high indicator that there is something really special in your relationship with your partner you just have no idea how the heck to get to it you're willing to do it to you.

[SPEAKER_01]: So, you know, and if you reach out for the help or you make that, you know, you find that podcast episode or you order that, stand, tack, and book, or whatever it is, right?

[SPEAKER_01]: If you have that energy to go find some piece of information that might help you, it means that there's something that's worth fighting for.

[SPEAKER_00]: So, you and I have, right, we developed everything we did because of our own train record of the relationship, and we didn't have the skills, and I was just thinking, like, each and I have gone through a lot of financial stress over the last year with our business, and like, [SPEAKER_00]: If we didn't have the skills that we had built in the emotional safety, there's no way that that that what we've been going through wasn't a month, it wasn't six months, it's been over a year.

[SPEAKER_00]: There's no way we would have been able to stay together and it makes me so sad because I think about all those couples that [SPEAKER_00]: struggle with finances and infidelity and all that and they don't have those skills, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm sure some do but some don't.

[SPEAKER_00]: So then like that level of powerless like I already felt powerless with this whole financial thing happening in our business.

[SPEAKER_00]: But thank goodness you and I had the skills to know how to get through it together But I don't think if I had the I would have felt way more powerless and not connected to you because now We don't know how to talk about it and support each other and like even this morning I was crying because that's just what I do [SPEAKER_00]: Because we just have an awesome team here and I just, I love our staff and I was just talking to one of our staff members this morning and she triggered something emotional and EJ called me and I was just like, what we've built is so amazing and sometimes I just, why does it have to be so stressful and I was trying to go to like facts about our business and EJ is like, no, tell me what the emotional responses I really want to know And I was like, God, that meant everything because I kept trying to go into like, [SPEAKER_00]: justification or facts and you kept bringing me back like, no, but like what's happening for you?

[SPEAKER_00]: Like what made you cry?

[SPEAKER_00]: Like what made this grief happen this morning?

[SPEAKER_00]: And I was able to like go so much deeper and then continue to cry more.

[SPEAKER_00]: And then I was like, I can't grab a podcast today.

[SPEAKER_00]: My eyes can't be puffy.

[SPEAKER_00]: But like that level of emotional safety is not just innate couples.

[SPEAKER_00]: and a lot of personal reflection in couples talks in order to get there, but we are living proof and we have thousands of couples that have been through our relationship, renovation model, both in office and at home that are living proof, that you can do it if you want to, and it's there.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.

[SPEAKER_01]: And that's what a coach, a therapist has to offer is that sometimes I can see something that's happening for the couple that they've become totally blind to.

[SPEAKER_01]: You know, I had a couple come in the other day and they were just like describing just [SPEAKER_01]: uncomfortable and what was dysfunctional between the two of them.

[SPEAKER_01]: But as they were doing it like all I was seeing was like two people who love each other, who adore each other, who desperately want to be connected, all they saw were the problems and the discomfort that they were in, which makes sense because the more you're in discomfort, the more you're sort of buried in a fog [SPEAKER_00]: and really quick it's evolutionary and our brain is built out.

[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, you see that never say negativity bias, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: Double edge sword there.

[SPEAKER_01]: But because I'm not in the suffering with them, it's not my relationship.

[SPEAKER_01]: They're not my friends, they're not my family members.

[SPEAKER_01]: They're just people.

[SPEAKER_01]: I'm here to help.

[SPEAKER_01]: I'm seeing nothing but something to be hopeful about is like, you guys, you guys want it.

[SPEAKER_01]: You know, and that's what we offer, that's what our method offers is someone who has like some tools, some knowledge, some awareness, a system to take you through that also can look at you and be like, man, you got every reason in the world to fight for this because you guys are great and you guys can have a relationship like, [SPEAKER_01]: Like Julian Ben that was that we interviewed a few weeks ago like three or four weeks ago They were on great story if you haven't listened to them.

[SPEAKER_01]: Ben together twenty six years They got pregnant when they were like 16 and 17 years old local business owners here in Tucson Amazing people were on the verge of throwing it all away because it just like they just couldn't figure it out Went through it and they're that happiest Julie has this portion of it which she's talking about like [SPEAKER_01]: I've never loved Ben as much as I love him now, and we see that in people, we see like, my gosh, you can have such a deeper connection than you can even imagine if you just stick with this for a little bit.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and it wasn't like we waved this relationship innovation model, magic wand.

[SPEAKER_01]: No, it's not, it takes, it takes some effort.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, but the way it's structured allows you to be curious about your partner again, and, and not put hurt on hold, but get through the [SPEAKER_01]: Well, sometimes it's about being it's that the hurt is being experienced so separately and that we help them be in the hurt together, which is actually connecting is like, oh my gosh, I miss you, oh my gosh, I miss you instead of oh my gosh, you suck.

[SPEAKER_00]: you keep making me feel so long.

[SPEAKER_01]: You keep making me feel shitty.

[SPEAKER_01]: You deny me this.

[SPEAKER_01]: You say this about me, whatever.

[SPEAKER_01]: Like, oh no, like, like, here, let me show you guys how to be together in the sadness.

[SPEAKER_01]: Cause if you're not together in the sadness, it's really hard to be together in the joy.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, so I mean, I guess this podcast was really about hope that there is hope and when you feel hopeless, finding someone again a professional relationship expert therapist's coach that can hold that hope and give it to you in pieces to build you and your relationship back up again.

[SPEAKER_00]: That's pretty incredible.

[SPEAKER_00]: We see it happen every single day.

[SPEAKER_01]: And just the fact that you're listening to this says that there is immense possibilities for you, there is hope merely by you seeking something more.

[SPEAKER_01]: And maybe engaging in a process with somebody who can be that holder of hope.

[SPEAKER_01]: might be just the like spark, you know, it might be just the spark that you need to get that fire burning again and it doesn't go instantaneously from a spark to an inferno.

[SPEAKER_01]: It takes a second, you know, you've got to get down there, you've got to get your kindling wood, you've got to get that little tiny fire going and feed it, you know, and we help people like the one on, what is it called [SPEAKER_00]: It's funny.

[SPEAKER_00]: We're going to read it.

[SPEAKER_01]: We're going to read it.

[SPEAKER_01]: We're going to read it.

[SPEAKER_01]: We're going to read it.

[SPEAKER_00]: We're going to read it.

[SPEAKER_00]: We're going to read it.

[SPEAKER_00]: We're going to read it.

[SPEAKER_00]: We're going to read it.

[SPEAKER_00]: We're going to read it.

[SPEAKER_00]: We're going to read it.

[SPEAKER_00]: We're going to read it.

[SPEAKER_00]: We're going to read it.

[SPEAKER_01]: We're going to read it.

[SPEAKER_00]: We're going to read it.

[SPEAKER_00]: We're going to read it.

[SPEAKER_00]: We're going to read it.

[SPEAKER_00]: We're going to read it.

[SPEAKER_00]: We're going to read it.

[SPEAKER_00]: We're going to read it.

[SPEAKER_00]: We're going to read it.

[SPEAKER_00]: We're going to read it.

[SPEAKER_00]: We're going to read it.

[SPEAKER_00]: We're going to read it.

[SPEAKER_00]: We're going to read it.

[SPEAKER_00]: They can have their fire to keep the lions away.

[SPEAKER_01]: Well, I think also because we're the holders of hope.

[SPEAKER_01]: But then we're in the trenches with them trying to get that fire.

[SPEAKER_01]: You have this other person with you who's like, you know, because we're like literally, I see it with you with myself when we're working with a couple of like, [SPEAKER_01]: We're like sitting there trying to figure out like what's going on?

[SPEAKER_01]: Like why are these people struggling so much?

[SPEAKER_01]: Can I get it to like how can I help them when we say that to him again or a women can you repeat what you just heard you know like it's it's so much fun I mean I love to do it.

[SPEAKER_01]: It's it's a best [SPEAKER_00]: So anyway, like, I thank you for listening.

[SPEAKER_00]: We love talking to ourselves to each other, to our audience.

[SPEAKER_00]: We really find our listeners and your feedback so valuable.

[SPEAKER_00]: So grateful to have helped so many people around the globe feel.

[SPEAKER_00]: Hope again, just do these podcasts so leave us a review.

[SPEAKER_01]: We love to hear from you guys You can send us an email.

[SPEAKER_01]: Send us an email.

[SPEAKER_01]: You can send if you're interested in coaching With us or one of our one of our coaches here You can send an email the coaching at relationship renovation.com If you want to just send an email about the podcast, you can send an email to podcast at Relationship renovation.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, we have some new cool things happening to you.

[SPEAKER_00]: So we will keep in touch and stay in the room [SPEAKER_00]: Yay!

[SPEAKER_00]: Hustling in a good way to help couples have the best relationship they deserve.

[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.

[SPEAKER_00]: All right.

[SPEAKER_00]: Well, as always, thank you so much for listening.

[SPEAKER_00]: Take care of yourself.

[SPEAKER_00]: Take care of each other.

[SPEAKER_00]: Bye-bye.