Pushkin Hey everyone, today's episode is a special one, but at the same time it does deal with mental illness and children in distressing situations, so take care when listening.

You reach Jackie, you leave me a message?

Do you plan?

Lets you my message?

Jackie, I haven't heard from you in a while.

I thought maybe the adoration of American candidate isn't enough for you, so I wanted you to hear all the peoples of the world, all over the world who want to hear your voice again.

Here are a few of them, Jackie, Jackie.

My name is Jngles.

I am from Cyprus, which is mega far away from where you're from.

Jackie, Jackie, Jackie.

This is Tracy recording voice message from London, England, Jackie.

Even here in little Switzerland, the despair is great.

Did Jackie.

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You are the only person who makes me laugh out loud.

You should definitely come back.

You are the highlight of the show.

It means nothing without you.

Onid martez Iva Casine.

Love from Alto and New Zealand.

Kinny Shelton, you have a lovely rist of your day now.

And this is Jonathan from England wishing you Mary Saint peppins that Hello, oh, I thought you picked up from Pushkin Industries.

I'm Jonathan Goldstein and this is Heavyweight Today's episode Kevin right after the break.

Kevin's email doesn't begin with any small talk, no longtime listener, first time writer preamble.

He gets right into it.

My little brother and I grew up destitute Kevin Wrights in a public housing project in Sacramento.

He goes on to say that life back then was only made bearable by the presence of two boys who live next door, and this is why he's writing.

Kevin hasn't seen them in over thirty years, but he still hasn't forgotten them.

The two boys his friends, Jason and Gerald.

Can you hear me?

Yeah, I can hear you.

Can you hear me?

Yes?

Yes?

Great?

The path that led him to Jason and Gerald is long and circuitous.

Kevin begins the tale back in the third grade, sitting in class reading.

I would reading a book on the Kremlins.

Based on the movie.

Yeah to Cover was the theatrical poster of the movie, and I remember it was during that moment that the teacher just said, Hey, we got to go to the principal's office.

And when you're a kid, that's kind of memorable because I thought, initially I was in serious trouble.

When Kevin arrived at the principal's office, his mom was there, surrounded by his five siblings.

She explained that she was leaving their father and taking them all with her.

So, my dad has always been a real imposing, frightening figure, because he would be everybody in the family if you didn't really obey his commands.

I never thought that he was malicious, but that he beted us because we screwed up somehow, one way or another.

So he would whip us with a metal clothes hangar, for example, or he would pinch us, and when he pinched us, it would go through the clothing and would leave like half dollar sized welt of blue and purple and greenish colors.

One day, a neighbor, alarmed by a loud argument between Kevin's parents, phoned the police, and Kevin's father was arrested.

He spent several days in jail, and when he returned home he seemed different.

We didn't have the word mentally ill back then, but we just talked amongst ourselves that he became crazy, and by crazy, I mean like really crazy.

Whatever he endured in jail must have been so traumatic for my dad and he invented a word at the time that everything was dirty.

The dirty fixation began as soon as his father arrived back home from jail.

The first thing he did upon his return was to ask for a box.

He threw every article of clothing he was wearing inside.

Then, standing naked before the family, he instructed his eldest son to throw the clothes away.

And he goes up, he takes a shower, and when he comes back down, he sees that my older bro brought back the box.

He was telling my bro that why do you bring the box back?

Because the box is.

Dirty, But more importantly, how did you toss out the dirty clothes?

And my bro said he.

Just grabbed it from the box and tossed it out, basically indicating to my dad that my bro touched the clothing himself.

My dad just went cirtain.

He just he just beat my bro on the spot right there.

But that was the beginning of this crazy phase where my dad just completely lost it.

His dad's new obsession only increased the tension between Kevin parents.

And every time they had arguments.

We have no clue what they were talking about because they spoke in Vietnamese, and although that was my first native language, there was a time where my dad thought that we weren't learning English well enough.

He forbade the usage of Vietnamese in the house.

Then again, if he heard anybody utter single word of Vietnamese, he would beat us.

And so we dropped that quickly.

But one of the arguments precipitated with my dad grabbing a cleaver and he throws it across the room and no one in particular, but it larged hisself into the wall.

It wasn't long after that that Kevin, his mom, and his siblings found themselves standing in the principal's office.

We went from the principal's office straight to what I now know is woman's shelter.

Do you remember that first night that you spent there?

Oh?

Yeah, it was great.

It just felt you wouldn't know anything imposing about the shelter until you leave.

That's when you see the eye fences with the barber wire over the top.

Almost looks like a prison.

But it was great insight.

There's a giant playground or tricycles there was a walk in pantry that myself and my brother really loved if because you could walk in and they're all these snacks and instant noodles.

But after a few weeks of feasting on instant noodles.

My mom just suddenly gathers all of us and she had the paper grocery bag.

She just tersely explains to us that two of us, two of the six of us kids, will have to return to my dad.

She can't take care of all of us, she cannot keep all of us.

And she said, as she wrote six of our names on pieces of paper, and she put all of our names in this paper bag, and she's going to draw two names into two names, will be two kids to have to return to my dad.

And I just remember my name with the first name to be drawn, and I was just I was just shocked.

I don't know at the time I felt, I mean, there were six of us, two names.

Were to be drawn.

I just thought that my odds were somewhat reasonable.

But looking back at it, I feel like my mom just rigged the whole thing because she couldn't just say outright, I want you Kevin, and I want your little bro to go back to your dad because I feel that the younger ones won't be able to cope.

Well, your dad's not going to be able to take care of them, and she wanted to keep my older bro.

He was just the oldest one, favored one.

The plans lablished by the drawing of names from the paper bag was that Kevin's oldest brother and the three youngest kids would stay with their mom.

Well, Kevin and his middle brother, Tony would go live with their dad.

At the moment she drew my name, I lost my mom, my siblings, and what hurt just as much was losing my older bro.

Dad looked up to him.

I would ask him all kinds of questions, everything from life to school.

What color you see when you die?

And I still remember his answer because he said, she don't see any color when you're dead.

But I asked him, what does that mean?

What is the color of no color?

That black or that white?

He said, no, it's neither's no color.

To lose him in that one fell swoop when my mom pulled out my name, let alone knowing that you have to go back to your dad, who you're super afraid of.

When she drew my name, I remember I wasn't the only one who was crying.

We all cried.

We all cried.

Kevin now has three kids of his own, and in raising them, he thinks back on that moment their hamster died.

They were crying, and my partner was telling me, Oh, they're just kids, They're just kids, and they don't really mean it.

But when she said that, I remember I cried to say around the same age when my name was drawn from a paper bag, and that cry was still the deepest cry I ever had in my life.

So I just remembered, No, I got to tend to my kids.

I'm going to bury the hamster in the backyard, set a proper tombstone, and have a good farewell.

I don't think their cries are going to be any lighter than their future cries when there adults.

I don't think so.

For the next several years, Kevin had almost no contact with his mom and siblings.

He says his mom would sometimes drop off food at his dad's place, but she was never allowed inside.

Kevin was eight and Tony was six.

On the night they went back to live with their dad at his apartment in a public housing project.

I remember he was drinking he's always drinking.

I mean, I've never seen him drink water in my life.

He's always drinking beer and eating peanuts.

And that was actually what he was doing when we came back in the middle of the living room floor.

Although the living room contained a big, fluffy couch and some school desks, their father wanted Kevin and Tony to join him on a piece of cardboard he laid on the cold linoleum floor.

It turned out that since they'd last seen him, their father's obsession had only intensified.

My dad set some rules.

He said that don't ever touch these dusts or to couch because they're now dirty.

I mean, we weren't going to question him.

We didn't want to get beaten, so we ended up doing exactly that.

A lot of these areas around the entire apartment just became dirty, untouchable.

Over time, A layer of dust accrued everywhere that we were not allowed.

To touch or walk through.

I got this pen where a little thick pen with a different colored tabs on the top were change from black to blue red.

Remember those It was a really it.

Was a prized possession of minds.

And I remember my dad, my brother and I were on our living room floor again, and my bro was holding the pen and he was trying to change one of the colors, but it flung out of his hands and twirled around, and it eventually settled a few feet away from him in this dirty zone.

And at that moment that happened, as an eight nine year old, I just knew that my pen was gone, even though it's literally just three feet away from us.

My bro and I looked at each other.

We both looked at my dad, and my dad just gave us that kind of solemn shake of his head like I'm sorry, boys, but that's a terrible loss.

So you would just see the pen sitting there.

Yeah, and then it would be absorbed by the dust.

Over time, it would just become covered with dust itself.

Even when their father wasn't home, Tony and Kevin didn't dare step into the dirty zone.

I think we were also afraid because if you ventured into one of dirty area, you would kind of leave like literal footprints into that dusty area.

It would be pretty obvious.

And so I remember one time a policeman entered our home because there was some kind of robbery and the cop was trying to find this person.

And I remember his face the moment he stepped in, like holy crap, Like he was asking me, you guys live here, and he was trying to search the house and I was cleading with him.

I was like, well, he don't, don't go over there, don't open that door and be that side closet was part of the dirty zone and I didn't want to get in trouble.

And thankfully I remember the cop just acquiesced.

When Kevin speaks of that time in his life, it says an accumulation of losses, the loss of his brothers and sister, his mom, the loss of all the rules that made reality reality, which is why he still remembers the one real gain from that time.

Friends.

Those boys, Jason and Gerald.

They were a white family living with their single mom.

Jason was witty and funny.

Jerald was kind of goofy looking but lovable.

Gerald was Tony's age, Jason was Kevin's.

They had video games and a mom who was nice to them.

Every morning, we will wake up, we go outside, just yell out.

Jason, Gerald, what are you up to?

And he would come back out, groggy eyed, wiping their eyes.

We would just hanging out all the time.

In a life that was filled with significant, often traumatic events.

The time Kevin and his brother spent with Jason and Gerald was notable for just how unknotable it was.

It was simple and fun.

It was time spent just being a kid, building secret passageways out of cardboard boxes, racing bugs through obstacle courses, and climbing the highway retention wall to watch cars speed by.

They swam at the public pool.

They played with firecrackers, blowing up snapper bottles in the park.

Then there were the comics Kevin made.

It might have been a smorgas board of different characters I drew at the time, like one of the teenage mutant Ninja Turtles, or Batman, or Bart and Garfieud or all four of them in the same comic.

Who knew?

They offered me a quarter for every comic book I drew.

And gave it to them.

So I did that, and I needed the quarters to buy myself candy.

Hanging out with them was always a blast for twelve hours a day.

Did you ever have friends like that before?

No?

No, And it helped.

It helped soften I brow a nice plite situation live in with our dad that we could hang out with Jason Gerald.

Jason and Gerald were the only people with a window onto Kevin until lives.

Quite literally, their apartment window looked directly in on Kevin and Tony's window.

And I remember one time my bro and I would take a bath and we didn't have towels, and we were shivering, and we ran back to our bedroom and we were trying to put on our clothing, but it's really hard to put on clothing when your body sweat.

And the next day, Jason Gerrold would come up to us and say, Hey, why were you and Tony dancing on your bed naked?

Why didn't you guys have towels.

I don't know.

We just didn't have towels, you know.

We didn't have a lot of things that kids.

We didn't have a refrigerator.

That's a wild one.

That's hard to imagine, but the refrigerator would part of the dirty zone.

And the refrigerator worked.

I think it was plugged in.

Yeah, we just couldn't use it.

And so whenever we purchased food, we would have to consume it within that day, including a gallon of milk.

My dad believed in giving us milk, and I remember my dad thought he had a genius idea.

He didn't want to waste any of the milk, so he told me and my bro just jogging place outside so that we would want to drink more milk, and that Jim bowed very well, and we ended up vomiting on milk out there.

I imagine if Gerald and Jason had been watching from their window, they'd have seen their little friends looking like they were in some milk sponsored version of boot camp.

But no matter what unbelievable things they saw, and no matter what unbelievable things Kevin told them about off limit refrigerators or pens or couches, they didn't belittle him, didn't tease him.

They accepted him.

They never they never doubted me when I told him these things, I wholeheartedly believed it.

At a time when Kevin and his brothers felt so doubtful of their own reality, so isolated, Jason and Gerald were not only allies, but a check on their sanity.

They were always there until the day they weren't.

Tony and I would go home one day and they were gone.

They were just completely gone.

Their home was cleared out.

Kevin's father said that Jason and Gerald's mom had died, and so that very same afternoon, the boy's grandparents came and took Jason and Gerald away to live with them.

Our friendship just suddenly severed.

No farewell or anything like that.

We just went from hanging out all the time, being best buddies to one day just not even seeing them.

People had left Kevin's life before, but Gerald and Jason didn't leave.

They vanished.

And when someone vanished in the early nineteen nineties, they vanished.

No cell phones, no emails, but the boys were always with him.

Like in college, when Kevin's father died, his thoughts turned back to Jason and Gerald, how they must have felt losing their mom.

Kevin's an adult now with a family and a career in biotech, Yet any time he's introduced to a Jason or a Gerald, his mind always leaps back to his Jason, his Gerald.

So now thirty years later, Kevin wants to find them, the two boys who are the only witnesses to the hardest part of his and his brother Tony's life.

I've always wondered about them, and what are you up to?

You?

Are you all right?

How are they doing?

First?

And foremost, did he get over that kind of grief and loss, because I can't even imagine losing your soul parent at that age.

Because he always referred to themselves as white trash.

They called themselves that he did, yeah, always in a joking way.

But every time I read about, like, for example, the opioid epidemic where a lot of rural whites were hammered, sometimes I wonder, are Jason and Gerald Okay?

Do you ever wonder if they think about you as well?

If they think about you and your brother?

I do wonder about that.

Yeah, I do wonder about that, but all that is secondary.

If they're doing all right, I think that'll warm up my heart pretty well.

If they're not doing all right, I want to see if I can help them out.

You're at the minimum, maybe just say hi that I've just never forgotten about them, And if they've forgotten about myself with Tony, you know, that's fine, that's fine.

I'd just be just happy to find out that they're doing all right with normal friends would probably want right.

The problem is they were always just Jason and Gerald from across the way.

Kevin doesn't know their last name and their mother's name, has also been lost to time, and although he does know the brothers went to live with their grandparents, I.

Don't even know where to grandparents reside, except for one comment that Jason made a long time ago where he said that whenever he visits his grandparents, they would burn pine cones to keep warm.

And that's why Kevin has come to me with just the names Jason and Gerald, hoping I can.

Help, because I thought that your superpower investigative sleuthing abilities are going to be able to track them down again.

After the break, my superpower investigative sleuthing abilities are put to the test.

Kevin remembers his own address from back then, and clicking around on Google Maps, he's able to determine which house was Jason and Gerald's.

But when my producer Khalila and I start digging, the only records we find are topsy turvy, dozens of people listed under the same address, the timelines overlapping and confusing ways, so without much else to go on, Khalila skims the records, searching for any single women who lived at Jason and Gerald's apartment number in the early nineties.

Then using the surname she finds she starts styling.

Hi, is this chasing?

Hello?

Is this chas?

You got to watch?

You know what to do later?

Wow?

I really fell for that voicemail.

Hi, my name is Khalil Holt.

I'm looking for a Jason who has named Jerald.

Khalilaphones dozens and dozens of numbers, leaving messages for Jason's and Geralds across the nation.

Many of the numbers she tries are disconnected entirely.

We're sorry, you have reached the number that.

If we're sorry, you have reached the number that we're sorry.

We're sorry, We're sorry.

And while some Geralds and Jason's do answer the phone.

No, I had a dead mean jail, ma'am.

To raise the technique, They're never the ones who we're looking for.

Let's you're given away millions of dollars and then I can make it pino, ma'am, Mom, I'm sorry.

I wish I could help you.

One Jason does helpfully text that there's another guy with the same name a few towns over.

I've spent a night in jail for a warrant in his name.

He writes, Too bad, your podcast isn't about that.

I figure the local elementary school might have Jason and Gerald's last name on file, so I give them a call and I'm put on hold.

It might give me a chance to do a little bit of freestyling while I'm waiting.

Jason, He's got a brother, Gerald, Thanks thankfully.

I'm interrupted by the receptionist.

She sends me to the district office.

Visit our website at h tt ps colon forward slash.

Forward slash and all the district office has.

To offer EDU One forward slash.

Is a web address straight out of the mid nineties.

Enrollment hyphen center hyphen tk hyphen.

We search obituaries, thinking we might find one for Jason and Gerald's mom.

We post in neighborhood facebook groups.

We tryphoning neighbors, messaging old classmates, submitting a research request at the public library.

Nothing comes of any of it.

After two months of dead ends, Kevin returns to the housing project to look for new leads.

One of the last times he went back was to show his wife and three kids where he grew up, but the kids were too scared of the neighborhood to get out of the car.

This time he goes alone, and it's while walking by his old building that Kevin has a realization.

For Jason and Gerald to have seen him and Tony through the window getting dressed without towels that day, their address would have to have been not the one he'd originally told me, but actually one apartment over.

And that new fact makes all the difference.

Amazingly, we've been able to triangulate who these guys are, Who Jason and Gerroalld are really?

Yeah, no way, yes, wow.

But just when you mole one problem in this life, a new problem rears its ugly mole head.

Even though we found Jason and Gerald, we're not hearing back from Jason and Gerald.

After sending both brothers letters, Gerald bounces back and Jason's goes unanswered.

I try Jason on LinkedIn, but still nothing.

Maybe the name Kevin no longer means anything to them, Maybe they forgot the friendship altogether.

I can't find a phone number for Gerald or Jason, but I do find one for Jason's wife, and so I leave her a voicemail.

When I get no response, I try texting.

Still no response.

So I call again and this time the phone doesn't even ring.

Fearing my number has been blocked, I ask Kevin to phone, but when he tries to leave a message.

My name is Kevin.

I've been shoudhood friends with Jason and his brother.

Oh.

I couldn't even leave a voicemail.

It's no longer feeling like Jason is simply forgotten.

It feels like he emphatically doesn't want to talk.

Although Jason's a no go, I still have one more shot at reaching the younger brother Gerald.

He has a Facebook, So this is where I'm thinking, like, maybe the most direct way to do it would be for you to reach out.

Yeah, I don't mind.

It's just that I don't even have a Facebook account, but I can definitely make an account, I suppose.

When we check back in the next day, Kevin tells me that he made a profile and added one single friend, Gerald, and I.

Just sent him a message, are you to Gerald with the brother Jason dis It's Kevin with the little bro Tony.

We should live right across Meshuther and we were really good friends, and he just replied immediately.

It's been an eventful twenty four hours.

For the first time in over thirty years, Kevin and his friend Gerald are back in touch.

The two have been exchanging messages at a rapid pace since last night.

I'm still digesting all of this real time.

Apparently Gerald is in the East Coast right now.

He's been homeless for three years, but he said that he's got no problems, been staying out of trouble.

He only smokes cigarettes and sparingly drinks.

He stayed away from the hard drugs.

Oh and I wanted to talk to him over the phone because I'm just I'm a big fan of texting, but he said that he doesn't have a cell phone.

He lost it while traveling through Maryland.

And he only has asked us to Facebook messenger, brought her Internet while at the library.

So yeah, it's just quite a bit to digest.

Owen he mentioned Jason.

One of the first things Jerald did after hearing from Kevin was to message Jason.

Gerald shared the message he sent his brother.

I can just read it out, He said, how are you, brother?

He won't believe this.

Remember Tony and Kevin when we were living with Mom and Sacramento as kids.

They are reaching out to us to get to know us again and connect.

We are catching up.

It makes me so happy to talk to Kevin.

It's crazy.

Jason responded to his brother's message, saying he remembered Kevin and Tony fondly.

It turns out he was well aware Kevin had been looking for him.

He'd gotten all those messages left for his wife, but he didn't want to revisit that time.

In the months to come, Kevin keeps the messenger app on his phone so he and his one Facebook friend can send long messages back and forth, and eventually, five months.

Later, hey your old Hey Kevin did.

Gerald gets a new phone and a conversation is arranged.

The last time we've ever heard each other.

We were just kids, also, thirty four years ago.

I remember exactly how you look when you were a kid.

You were slightly taller than me, with black hair.

You had a freckle.

I think you had a freckle under your left eye.

Yeah I do.

I'm actually looking at you right now.

It through my mind's eye.

Remember when we hung out at your place?

Oh, my gosh.

Yeah, all we do is play video games.

I remember you and Tony were so good at playing video games.

Oh.

I would watch you guys for hours.

One time we had this game Rygar, remember that's right, yea, And for like four or five hours you played it.

And you ended up beating it, and my jaw was just floored, you know.

Why though we didn't have anything else to do, Me and Tony literally we were just in that place in the at home and we didn't have anything.

Oh we knew that too.

I remember you guys came over once, right.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's crazy because I actually still remembered the inside of your house.

You remember, like, did it look crazy?

It looked like it looked like conted house because I remember it was dusty, like not necessarily not necessarily unclean.

Unclean's not the work, but it was like nobody lived there.

You remember the backyard that we hung out.

I had the closed lines.

Yeah, we'd swing on them.

Yeah they're gone.

Yeah, I guess every unit has a dryer now.

Wow, And everything seemed a whole lot smaller.

It just surprised me.

She get it.

I just thought everything was way bigger.

But I think we were just so small.

You know, growing up with you, I always thought that you would have become like a comic book artist, like a professional one.

I mean I would pay you a quarter apiece for them because I like them so much.

Remember how you would always bug me about what's the next issue coming out?

When the next issue?

Yeah, yes, Oh my gosh, you have no idea.

They were so good.

They were so so good.

All these decades later, Gerald still remembers the specific Bart Simpson plotlines.

There was an electrical monster that bartman would you'd make them.

Oh, I just unlocked the old memory.

I hadn't thought about.

You would use your old tests and papers from school, and you'd pull them in a way where the backside would be the comic book, and I could unfold them and i'd see your work for school.

I didn't realize that.

Yeah, but that would make sense because I wouldn't have assets of paper anyways.

And I held onto those for like fifteen years.

It turns out Gerald was out there looking back just as much as Kevin was.

I always thought of you too.

Making friends with you, guys was just a big breath of fresh air.

I mean, at school, I was never able to make real friends.

A lot of the kids were actually really meant.

I got beat up a lot.

But I had Kevin Tony right across from me.

I mean those were my friends.

Those are the only two friends I actually had growing up.

I really really never made that kind of connection again.

How you doing, man.

Oh, I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm happy in life isn't really what I thought it would be, what it turned out to be, but it turned out okay, and I am myself and I'm happy.

It's not like I'm living a life where I wake up and go to work and realize I'm unhappy, but just do the same thing every other day.

I'm kind of just free and by myself.

Now, you seem to be doing pretty resiliently.

That's the word resilient.

Really.

When you first become homeless, it's scary, you know, but it's kind of an adapt or die kind of scenario.

And one thing I found out about being homeless is it's a bit easier if you can blend in with other homeless people.

If you can find an area that has resources and other homeless people, you're more were likely to survive better and not be a target because it's pretty dangerous being homeless.

People don't like homeless people.

Did you find yourself targeted?

Yes, a lot.

I've gotten beat up a few times, but I've also been helped too.

I've had a lot of Christians help me, which is something amazing.

A lot of people helped me on my way.

Good people.

Gerald had been living beneath an underpass in DC for about a year, but a few months ago he decided to return home to California.

I'd gotten to a point where I had no contact with my kids, and I missed them, and I just needed to see them.

And I knew if I if I stay gone, if I'm just out there in the world, I'll never have a relationship with my kids if I don't come back.

Now.

I need to see my boys.

I need to tell them I love them.

The strange thing is the very day that they initiated the sweeping of the homeless and DC was today.

I had a bus ticket to come back to California, so I was getting on a bus right when the troops were coming into DC.

Like the day.

Gerald explains he'd started going to church with another friend who was homeless, and that the church helped him scramble together enough money for a ticket back home to his kids.

And I'm grateful that I was able to leave, because I don't know what happened to all the homeless people.

There were hundreds of homeless people when I was in DC, all in that area, and they were all dealing with the same thing.

It was very sad to see some were genuinely crazy, some were playing the system, and others were just emotionally distraught.

Something happened in their family, like a kid died, and they just couldn't pull themselves out.

Can you say, like, what led you into that situation?

Yeah, heartbreak and lack of My wife left me about four years ago now, and honestly, it just got to a point where I realized that if I didn't actually go away for a while, that her heart can't mend, where she couldn't grow and become herself.

So I needed to just leave the whole area, and I needed to do something for myself.

I needed to go see the world.

I needed to go walk.

Is that how you traveled?

By walking?

Mostly?

Yeah?

From state to state.

Yeah.

Well I would get rides.

Of course, I wouldn't hitchhike, I wouldn't put my thumb out, but I would walk and eventually somebody would pull over and ask me if I needed a ride.

Gerald tells me that after his wife left him, he was living in his truck, but when he decided to leave California, he swapped cars with a friend.

I traded him straight up for his Gelope car.

For my nice Toyota truck.

I couldn't find work.

I couldn't find a job, I couldn't find money for my gas tank.

So I could either leave my truck on the side of the road and have it impounded and lost, or I could give it away somebody I love and try to find my way on foot.

So I chose to give it to my friend Josh, and I drove his car up through the Sierra Nevadas into Nevada, and then when it ran out of gas, I just started walking.

For the next several years, Gerald traveled all over the country.

From Nevada, he went to Kansas, then Oregon, Alaska, Tennessee, and eventually Washington, DC.

And now he's back in California, spending most of his time camping.

So I'm just sitting up on a mountain right now, looking down at a river.

Honestly, even being back here in California, I kind of realized that I may end up staying homeless.

I don't have a lot of options, but I realize I'm just happier being halfway out of the system, or one foot in, one foot out.

I guess I'm more comfortable just being alone in the crowd of people.

So like being up here in the mountains where I'm at right now, it's just wonderful.

I mean there's nobody around, nobody.

Gerald looks after his kids a few days every week, staying at his ex wife's house.

It's a relief to see them again, his two boys, seven and thirteen.

And they're fine.

And they missed me.

I would think that they would miss he.

I mean, you can't.

Yeah, you can't ever replace the.

Parent, something both Kevin and Gerald know all too well.

I just remember taking that news that your mom had passed and that you two just gone, that were coming back, and Tony and I we were both.

And we cried.

We were heartbroken.

We lost our two best friends.

They didn't even get to say goodbye.

It was so suddenly, oh in one day.

Yeah, yeah, And we were always wondering what happened?

Do your mom?

Do you two?

I could tell you the story from the start.

As a kid, making sense of what happened, Kevin assumed maybe Jason and Gerald's mom had a heart attack, but Gerald says no, that his mom had a heroin addiction.

When I was like six.

It came across a leather glove with a needle inside the couch.

When I pulled up the couch cushion and I brought it to my mom and said, Mommy, what's this And she slapped my hand and took it from me, and she said, never touch that again.

Don't dig in there.

Okay, that's Mom's that poke you and hurt you.

So I knew.

I knew about it, but I didn't know what it was exactly.

And my mom would she sleep a lot, a lot most of the time.

She'd just sleep on the couch downstairs.

But when she was awake, she was a very good mom.

She always cooked for me and Jason, and we always had food.

She was always looking for us.

We're out too late.

She didn't let nobody mess with us.

My mom was good mom.

Yeah, that's what I remember.

The night his mom died, Gerald remembers hearing a thud upstairs, but he didn't think much of it.

He and Jason were busy watching The Simpsons at the time, and not long after that they went to bed.

So I went and crawled into bed, and Jason crawled into his bed and he went to sleep, and I was lying there and I'm like to see what I can go curl up to the mom in her bed.

So I got up and I went to my mom's room and I opened the door, and she was laying face down on the ground, not moving.

But I had seen that before, so I didn't think a lot.

I didn't know anything was wrong.

I was like seven sixth somewhere in there.

So I slowly closed the door, really slowly because I didn't want to wake her up.

And in the morning, me and my brother got ourselves ready for school and we walked to school.

And while I was at school, at about one o'clock in the afternoon, some cops came to my classroom.

I thought I was in trouble because I hadn't been doing good in school.

I thought it was about my grades, actually, And then the cops brought me back to the house.

And apparently my brother had come home from school early because he was feeling sick, and he found my mom face down on the ground and couldn't wake her up.

So he went to a neighbor, Lloyd and Cheryl.

They lived up the block, and Lloyd came down and checked her pulse and looked at my brother and said she's dead, and I didn't even realize she was dead.

I didn't know even when the cops brought me into the house and the house was filled with cops and my grandparents are there, nobody's told me what's happened.

So I'm just looking at everybody and I'm wondering where Mama is.

And then a cop comes up to me and says, we're going to take you to Burger King and get you something to eat.

So a cop actually took me and my brother to Burger King in his cop car and bought us lunch.

And I still didn't know what was going on.

So I'm just gabbing to the cop, like my very young seven year old self, just talking, talking, talking, like nothing's wrong.

I remember asking the cop did he ever shoot anybody?

He said, yeah, she's the bad people when he has to, and he had a shotgun that was mounted along closer to the dash, and I thought it was so cool.

And my brother didn't say a word, and the cop starts crying.

Then he brought us back, and nobody's talking to me at all.

I'm like an insect on a wall or a fly, like I just don't know.

And so my grandparents tell us Okay, we got to go get inside the car.

Grandpa has some things he has to do, so we're going to take you to Aunt Elizabeth's house for right now, for a few days.

So I got happy because I got to see my cousin Brian, who was about my age and like I loved him.

And when I get there, my cousin Brian, he knows what's going on, what happened, and he looks at me and he says, Gerald, I want you to sleep in my bed.

You kick my bed, I'll sleep on the floor.

And I said you don't have to do that, and he said, no, you can just take it, okay, And I could see who was sad.

And then I sat down on the bed and that's when it hit me.

That's when I realized that Mom had died.

And I started crying and crying, and I cried for hours and hours, and I cried myself to sleep.

After all that, my brother ended up becoming really quiet.

He never really talked to me very much after that.

And I don't know, it just seems like the world got a lot colder after that.

Jason and Gerald spent the rest of their childhood with their maternal grandparents, living in the mountains.

I asked Gerald if they ever had any contact with their dad.

No, he died before I was born.

Oh, I see, I'm sorry.

It's okay.

I never knew him, so there's no effect, you know.

Yeah, but I do know a story my dad right before he died, he asked my grandfather for five hundred dollars because he needed to buy a car so that he could go get this job.

And my grandfather didn't believe him, so he said no.

And then the next day, apparently a neighbor had come across my father's hanging body from a tree and called my grandfather, and my grandfather cut him down and looked at his body on the ground and said, what a waste.

This is the same grandfather who about seven years later would become Gerald's guardian.

Gerald says he could be strict, he had.

A military attitude, and he was really a gruff on me and Jason, just you not Jason so much.

Well, Jason was more like my grandfather than I was.

Jason went into the military.

He did very good.

He was in for about eight eight years and went to Iraq twice and he did really well.

Wow.

Jason now lives in Arizona, where he works in security.

Kevin's happy to hear that his life seems stable, but Gerald and Jason's relationship never recovered from the death of their mom.

In contrast, Kevin and Tony have remained close.

That Jason and Gerald haven't is hard for Kevin to hear.

I hope that you can at least maintain a little bit contact with Jason here and there.

Yeah, it's body, but it is.

It just is what it is.

Some people.

They everybody's different.

We all have our own special abilities.

We all, you know, are good, our own good things.

One thing my brother isn't so good at is dealing with the past memory of my mom's death.

He kind of locked it away, I feel.

But it's it's his memories to keep, you know.

And he doesn't want to dig him back up.

And I think that's the big thing.

If you ever see him again or communicate with him again, I can't.

Let him know that, Yeah, I never I never never forgot about Yeah.

He's all right, you didn't want to talk about it.

I just want to let him know that, Yeah, Tony and I.

Were real sad and I never forgot about him.

I'll tell him.

I'll tell him.

Gerald says he was just never like his brother and grandfather me.

I was the complete opposite.

I was kind of more like the free bird, the hippie.

I guess got into skateboarding.

I always wanted to start a skateboarding company and design my own decks, do artwork through that.

That's actually what I really wanted to do in life.

But I kind of put it on a shelf just because of how everything turned out in life.

But he says he did givet skateboards to each of his sons, and now when his younger son goes out to ride his bike, Gerald will use one of the boards to skate alongside him.

Honestly, I don't know what it really is to be a proper dad.

I never had a dad.

I had a grandpa who was kind of a dad, and I learned some from him, But to be a dad is something I gotta learn as I go along.

I guess that's my biggest journey now.

It's just to stay home, stay in my area, and watch my kids grow.

That's what I want to do.

Did do you think you're going to stick around?

Yes?

I'm done traveling now.

So it feels like it's the end.

Of something or the beginning of something new.

When one thing ins, something else begins.

I'm forty one and just means I have half my life to live.

Still.

After my mom died, nobody in the family would talk about it.

It was like my old past life and Sacramento had any raised.

So having connected with Kevin is it's like validation that I did have a life for my mother died.

Like I'm not the only one that remembers my mom.

Yeah.

Likewise, Gerald means something to me too.

That I wasn't too crazy thinking about my shild is so much like someone else was thinking about it as well.

That actually happens.

Yeah, yeah, it actually happens.

It's nice to know I'm not invisible.

I'll see you in a bit.

We got to Casha.

I'll make a visit up there.

Yes, you will have to come up.

Yeah, I've never been to that area before, so that it'll be a place.

Yeah, it looks like it.

You will love it, I promised Vin.

I'm sure i will.

Okay, all right, Bye bye bye, Joe.

Kevin and I stay on the line to talk about everything Gerald shared.

We harkened back to what he said about not knowing how to be a dad, And I asked Kevin how he learned to be a dad.

A lot of it, he says, comes from his partner, but also he tried to define himself in opposition to his own dad.

I didn't want to be feared.

I wanted my kid to be able to trust me.

I wanted to be warm and open to them and good time with them.

Yeah.

I guess I just wanted to do everything to opposite what my own dad did.

And I know I didn't walk away.

I'm scathed, both me and my bro probably with my entire family.

I feel like sometimes I sort of like PTSD almost.

Kevin tells me how when his kids joined Cub Scouts, he volunteered to be an assistant scout master.

He had to go away on this weekend camping trip to be trained.

When he got back home, he pulled into the garage.

Everything in the house was quiet.

I remember unloading the car and calling for my kids because I thought that it could help me set up the tent in the backyard to let the tet properly dry and all that.

But there were no response.

Noticed that they were like in the living room or something like that, playing board games.

It kind of nodded at me like, oh, that us home, and I just remember feeling like like immense we overwhelmed with sadness.

I just remember sitting down in another room on the couch, just being super removed and even wondering about why I was feeling that emotion, and it took me a It took me a little wild.

It processed like why this black cloud was.

Just just hanging around me?

And I guess ultimately what's going through my mind was I felt like like my family didn't really want me, and maybe I was envisioning that that it would miss me and it would greet me, and but because they didn't, I got that sensation dad, like I wasn't wanted.

And I didn't even know how I was processing it, but it reminded me of that time where like how my mom would draw my name bring a paper bag.

She chose me as the first kid that she didn't want, and.

I didn't to go yeah yeah, and I thought about how but coming home to my dad and looking at me like.

Like he wished he had my older brother come home instead of me, And that was a feeling I got when I just got home from that camping trip, like nobody wanted me.

Yeah, yeah, it was this a terrible feeling.

I remember my uh my partner.

She came back out and she saw me, and I didn't know how to explain it to her, but the guy just told her I wasn't feeling well.

And then.

Be my family in the herd room and be normal well again and say hey, what's everyone doing the game when you guys playing?

And life was just carry on.

This weekend, Kevin is planning on driving out to the mountains to see Gerald to go camping and fishing.

Gerald says, the fish are jumping.

It's the beginning of something new.

Life carries on.

H now that the Fernitures returning to its goodwill home, now that the last month's rent is scheming with the damage to possit, take this moment to deserve.

If we meant it, if we talked.

We were felt around for five to.

From things that accidentally talk.

This episode of Heavyweight was produced by Khalila Holt and me Jonathan Goldstein, along with Phoebe Flanagain.

Our supervising producer is Stevie Lane.

Editorial guidance from Emily Condon.

Special thanks to Chris Neary Gretacone, Jake Harper, Lydia, Jane Kott, and Kevin's brother Tony Emmamonger mixed the episode with original music by Christine Fellows, John K.

Sampson, and Bobby Lord.

Additional scoring by Blue Dot Sessions and Poddington Bear.

Our theme song is by The Weaker Thands, courtesy of Epitaph Records.

Follow us on Instagram at Heavyweight Podcast, or email us at Heavyweight at Pushkin dot Fm.

We're taking a break for American Thanksgiving, but we'll be back in December with two more episodes of Heavyweight.

Until that time, Happy American toy Kie Day, Gobble gobbled to you, and yours a wazer we repainted