Hi, Catherine, Hi, Chelsea, Hi, what are we doing.

We're doing a minnisode today.

Today's welcome to our minisode.

Yes, we have a follow up actually from our Heather McMahon episode.

This is Carly and she had that friend who was dating sort of like a Maga Yokul guy who wanted her barefoot and pregnant and was like already talking about the prenup.

Do you remember this one?

I do, yeah, saying that I remember, but I do once there's enough specifics we remember, so she says, Dear Chelsea, I wish I was writing in with a better update.

My friends and I tried our best to get h to leave her boyfriend.

We promised her that she wasn't stuck, that we were always there for her, and that she didn't have to settle.

This always came after she had a couple drinks and told us how unhappy she was with him.

Well, despite all this, they got engaged last night.

I kept it together during the phone call, but immediately broke down.

After She's throwing her life away to move to Alabama just to pop out babies for the rest of her life.

I'm so sad for her.

All that being said, I'm now on bridesmaid duty.

Oh how do I keep it together?

No?

No, yes, you know the question.

How am I supposed to be happy for her?

She's generally so happy and I want to be, but it doesn't come naturally.

I just think you have to say, I can't support this marriage.

Honestly, if someone like that, who's basically telling her or not that you can't work, I mean, she's giving her life away to some man.

And in this day and age, when you make a decision, when I make a decision, I consider all women.

Like I am making a decision on behalf of all women.

Most often when it's something like related to men, or it's related to work, or it's related how I'm going to stand up for myself.

It's always about what would you know, thinking about all the other women, And that's just ridiculous.

You're throwing yourself away.

Yeah, basically in Alabama, no less with a guy that doesn't think you're supposed to work for a living.

So I would I would like, if there's any way to put your foot down, this is it.

I mean, if if there were any time, this is it that I can't be it.

I'm so sorry.

I love you.

So much, but this is breaking my heart and I cannot be involved in this wedding.

You are making the wrong decision right now?

Yeah, how would you even go to the wedding?

No, right, I wouldn't.

That friendship is over, she's gone.

She's gone, she's going to move to Alabama, and she's not going to be allowed to talk to her friends after that.

So what's the point.

Men they're that controlling often are like, well, no, you can't talk to these friends.

I had one friend who, like her controlling husband, cut her off from like her two gay best friends because they introduced her to her ex boyfriend.

Like it's just when it gets to this point of so controlling, it's like it doesn't make any sense.

So I would not be surprised if they got cut off.

So let her know you're here for her, and I think, yeah, and a loving.

Way, I just say, I can't support this.

You have to find it an analogy or a comparison that will strike a chord and hopefully your lack of participation and her wedding will be a wake up call.

Yeah, and you know what, sometimes weddings get canceled.

So yeah, you should listen to your friends when they know better and I should.

And when a group of people is telling you something like you could obviously you can't assud that everyone knows better than you.

But when a group of people that care about you tells you something, you need to fucking listen.

Those are your friends.

For me, when I was in a similar sort of situation as this friend, it was like, oh, all my college friends and all my high school friends and my family, like these different groups who I knew all loved me and were all telling me the same thing about this person.

I was like, oh, I still think this is great, but like maybe I should leave because all these people are upset for me, you know.

And that was what was the catalyst.

And two weeks later I like snapped out of it and I was like, oh wait, that was terrible.

Yeah, all right, Carly?

Was she the best of luck and you have some hard conversations with how do you?

And they told her how they felt.

Oh yeah, yeah, it's okay, all right, Well we'll take a quick break and be back with a question.

Okay, and we're back, all right.

So Jeff says the subject of his.

Email is am I a hoe or just a guy?

Dear Chelsea?

My boyfriend and I have been going out for eight months and he's a good guy.

The problem I'm having now is part way through I realized I'm not meant for a monogamous relationship all my life.

When we met, that's what I thought I wanted, but learned further on that this might not be the case.

I told him this one day and he acknowledged it and thanked me for sharing, but it never came up again, and I've not yet asked to open things up.

My issue is I'm in a great relationship, but our sex life has fallen flat and frankly, he doesn't offer the dominant energy I like.

Sometimes.

I spend a lot of my workday being in control of things, so sometimes it's fun to let someone else take over.

But he doesn't seem to naturally have that side to him.

AKA he has low top energy.

I have told him I'd like him to top sometimes, but it seems like he would need to force that side of him to make matters more complicated.

I have developed quite the crush.

It's nothing crazy or consuming or really anything yet.

He's a bartender at a spot where I like to get a drink after work.

But what I have to note is my inability to speak to him.

Just the thought of talking to him puts my stomach in my throat.

I don't usually get that way, but he quite possibly could be the most attractive guy I've ever met.

I'll get mesmerized watching a bartend another bonus, as I think other hospitality professionals are wired the same way I am.

I want to see what other connection I could have with him beyond liking what I see.

But obviously there's some guilt being in a relationship, so I keep my distance.

I'm going to finish this where I started.

Am I a hoe?

Or do you think this is normal for guys wanting a relationship but also to have sex with other people?

Am I awful for having a crush when I'm already in a committed relationship.

Am I awful for wanting to be possibly be open one day?

Jeff, Hi, how are you?

Oh?

I'm so good.

This is like the best day of my life right now.

Oh, I love it.

I love it.

First of all, you're a gay man, so everything you're feeling is completely natural.

Did you have a conversation about opening up your relationship where you were just thinking about having a conversation.

So can I just also say that I don't say the word ho and a malevolent no.

Thank you because the times how I mean it.

So no, no, no, no, you don't have to explain yourself hole positive.

You're in a safe place right now, safe home, positive place.

I appreciate that.

So I did one day, you know, And you know it's funny.

I think it's from actually hearing some of your podcasts in my drive where I kind of rethought about this where I was like, I don't know if monogamy forever is fair.

I just think it's a lot to ask now it is, And I kind of brought it up where I said, you know, I know when we met, I said I thought I wanted something very I would say normally monogamous or whatever, but I've kind of changed my mind on that and I may want to change things at some point.

And he kind of was just like okay, and it never came up again.

Okay, So you have two options.

You could either pursue this behind his back and cheat on him, or you can go to him and be like, let's revisit the conversation about having an open relationship.

Yeah, but I don't I never want to become the cheater.

I've never cheated on anybody in my life.

I don't want to say today that's your answer, But you know, it's one of those things where it's like, well if one day, you know, let's take the crush totally out of the equation for a second.

If one day I want to be open.

I kind of was saying to Catherine in to my pre interview, like how do I ask for that without making him feel unloved or small or anything negative.

Well, I think you just have a really honest conversation, like what you said in your letter, Like, listen, we're in a relationship.

Obviously, it's hopefully you're hoping it for it to be long term.

It is long term already.

How long have you guys been together?

Probably nine going on ten months?

So oh ten months okay, okay, copy, yeah, okay, so what you but you're hoping to be in a long term relationship.

I'm enjoying what it is right now.

I don't feel the need to change it.

It's just, you know, I've always kind of been one of those people who's like, I don't know what, like it's going to throw at me one day, So it's hard to say, well, I, you know, definitely pan out with this person forever.

So I guess maybe that's why the openness is kind of on my mind.

But don't you want to pursue this other guy at work that you're talking about.

I do, but I just think I'm going to get myself into trouble if I do it, so like, because I just think there's going to be no like honest way to do it without it being like kind of deceptive or feeling like, you know, kind of criminal.

So I think I don't want to do it.

I think the way to do that is to have the conversation.

And it sounds like he wasn't he didn't shut it down right away.

I mean, and okay, is like a all right, like let's revisit this later.

Yeah.

I mean, the way to not feel criminal or deceptive is to have the conversation with him now and be like, Okay, I know we talked about this before, but do you want to like formally have an open relationship.

I think that will be healthy moving forward, like eight or nine months if you already guys aren't having like hot sex at eight to nine or eight nine months together?

The likelihood is that you're not going to stay together for that much longer.

You know what I mean.

That's just like kind of gay male behavior.

You guys want action, and it should be Your honeymoon period is usually more than eight or nine months.

Yeah, I agree, I think it should be at least that's you know, but it's.

A great practice to just have an honest conversation.

He seemed open to it.

It might be the easiest thing in the world to say, Hey, can we open up our relationship?

What are the rules do you want to know?

Like, are we going to be open and just not tell each other?

Or are we going to be open and tell each other?

It's probably healthiest to be open and not divulge every single detail, But what do you feel comfortable with knowing?

And you know, without making it about.

A specific person like the guy that you're referencing, just say, as a general rule, I've been thinking about it, and I would like to keep my options open, although maintain I would like to remain in this relationship.

You know, and be really respectful of you.

I want to make sure you're comfortable with this and just come to an agreement where you're both having.

Input Okay, Yeah, I think I could do that.

It's a totally acceptable thing to do, especially as a gay man.

It is totally fine for you to do that.

It's not going to be that disruptive, especially since you already introduced the topic.

Yeah, I suppose so, I just I do worry about hurting his feelings.

I guess doesn't seem warm to it.

It's more hurtful to be dishonest and deceptive.

So it's more you know what I mean, that's you don't carry his feelings for him, give him enough credit, have enough respect for him that you actually give him the truth of the of the matter and how you're feeling, and then let him tell you how that makes him feel.

Yeah, and it can be an ongoing conversation, like he doesn't have to like say yes after the first conversation you both go out and sleep with other people.

Like that's it's just opening up the conversation about opening things up.

The other thing I wanted to address is you say, you know, you said.

Like, oh, I'm not sure if I can force him to do this, Like being in a relationship with someone is all about experimenting, especially in the bedroom.

And I think like there's definitely room for, you know, things to change, things to evolve.

I mean, Brad and I have been together twenty years, and I would say even in the last like three or four years, things are still evolving.

Yea, he calls her Chelsea, which is really weird in that but you know, an unprofessional workplace.

But yeah, I mean I think I would just like tell him, like, hey, I'm thinking about this.

I would love if you do this in bed, if you're a little more controlling, et cetera, et cetera, and like.

See if he is into it.

Yeah, I mean, listen, you're at a great place in your relationship to start having really honest conversations, because that is also a sign of how long the relationship can last.

If you can tell somebody something that is you know, hard for you to say, or opens the doorway to like a further conversation about sexual freedom, about sexual liberty, about how you're going to move around in this relationship.

You're only going to like build.

A stronger foundation, stronger foundation for moving forward and with other relationships if this relationship doesn't last long.

But I think you should also give him more credit than you're giving him, Like, don't be so worried about his feelings until there's something to worry about.

But being honest and forthright and upfront with your partner is the most respectful way you can behave.

Okay, yeah, I think you're right.

Maybe I'm kind of like anticipating the worst maybe, which is something i've.

Yeah, so stop you professionally doing stop that?

Sure, right, right, okay, good, good?

Right, thanks Jeff.

And then hopefully you can go fuck that guy that you want to fuck.

Yeah, please report back when you fuck that guy.

Alrighty, yeah, no, I'll definitely follow up with you.

I mean, maybe your boyfriend wants to go fuck that guy with you?

Who knows?

Yeah, yes, get it?

Actually a great idea, Yeah, love it.

Yeah, I mean anything's possible.

Sure, all right, Thanks Jeff, bye, Jeff, thanks so much.

Chase, take care.

Okay, yeah, all right, Well we're good to go and d okay, and we're wrapped on another episode of der Chelsea.

Thanks guys for listening.

Make sure you go to Chelseahandler dot com to find tickets for my stand up shows.

Come see me, come see me live.

It's gonna be a good time going.

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It's called the High and Mighty Tour.

I will be touring from February through June, so go get your tickets now.

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