Hi, guys, it's Chelsea and Catherine here you So today, Catherine, we are doing one of our minisodes, and so we have one couple calling in for couples counseling.

Correct exactly, exactly, and for anybody else who wants to write in, polase write in yes for sure loves great advice for couples.

Yes, yes, I am just I'm flawless in my advice giving everybody.

I mean, so far, it's been four years.

I well, I mean not four years of one hundred.

You know, I'm sure there's some upset customers, but that's par for the course.

You know.

It's not like I have a degree just operating on you know, vibes and good vibes.

I'm operating on good fucking vibes.

Okay, okay.

So our question today on our couple's counseling with Chelsea comes from Lynn and Kara.

Dear Chelsea, we're writing in for some advice on whether or how to expand our family.

My partner and I have been married for six years, and we grew our family a year into marriage in a somewhat unconventional but deeply meaningful way as two women in our prime fertility years, we consider the full range of options, sperm donor, private or international adoption, fostering, adopting from foster care, you name it.

Ultimately, we were matched with an eleven year old girl whom we fostered for three years before finally becoming her legal guardians aw Our plan was to was always to adopt her, but the system had its own timeline.

Whole story there.

She's now sixteen and we love her dearly.

At the time we welcomed her into our home, the idea was to have more children, but we quickly realized that wouldn't be the right decision for her or for us at the time.

Now, with her only a few years from graduating and us both still just thirty four, the question of whether to grow our family is back on the table.

Here's where it gets complicated.

There seemed to be ethical concerns around every path.

Sperm donor have you seen the man with a thousand kids?

Enough said?

Private adoption feels uncomfortable bidding for babies while so many children in the system need homes, foster care, I do it again.

My wife isn't so sure.

After everything we went through the first time, and beyond that, both aware of the broader ethical tension of bringing more people into a world that feels increasingly unwell.

Add to that are many, many frustrations with society at large, especially when it comes to how we raise youth.

And it's easy to feel like throwing in the towel.

And yet I'm not sure I'm ready to let go of the family we once envisioned.

In many ways, I'm fulfilled.

I'm a mom to an incredible daughter who loves and needs us.

We get the privilege of guiding her into adulthood, but I also love being a mom, and there are joys of parenthood that we haven't yet experienced and still long for.

So I guess we're writing in either to have you say don't have kids, you idiots, which honestly might be the easiest answer, or to help us untangle whether we're walking away from something too soon.

Part of me thinks we should just enjoy our impending empty nest freedom.

The other part wonders if we're exactly the kind of people who should be raising more kids, because we get how hard and beautiful and complicated it all is.

Lynn and Kara, Hi girls, Linkara, Hi, you guys are cute.

Wow, great job fostering at eleven year old.

I mean, listen, right off the bat, instinctually I would say to you, you guys were open to fostering.

I mean, those are the kids that need it the most.

You talk about bringing children into this world.

It's a very valid point.

There are so many children that need homes.

So it's almost like to me, if you're if that's something you've done, and I know how complicated that system is.

I have a cousin who's fostered and to adopt and that turned into an adoption, and I know that it is exhausting.

But when you're up for it, which you two seem to be, then it's kind of like you're meant to do that.

Like, if you've done.

It, you know the ropes.

You already have an advantage going in because you've been through this system before, and you're helping somebody who's already here in this world that doesn't have the guidance that the two of you can provide.

And I love what you said, guiding them into adulthood.

I think that is really profound and exactly what parents are meant to do.

It's not like you own your children.

You're just supposed to guide them into becoming you know, big, big humans and good humans, and you both seem like, you know, just from your letter, wonderful human beings.

So I would say, if you're going to do it, to try to go down that road again, knowing that it's going to be a difficult path, but that the outcome is going to outweigh the work that you put into it.

Yeah, I think I'm open to that.

I don't know she is.

I think what makes it difficult is that even going and taking that path, there's just so much that isn't in our control, which I guess is true about children, regardless of how you do or don't bring them into the world, but how you raise them.

But I think it's one of the things that has stuck with me in raising the child we have now, is that like every step we take, and this might be the age that she came to us too, like there's always sadness before happiness when you go through that path, right, because there's a loss of a family, there's a loss of so many things, and that's like really heavy and the world already feels so heavy that a part of me is like, I don't know if I can do that again if that makes sense.

And when I think about like broadening the family, there's like so many joyous things that I feel like we also didn't really get a chance to experience that.

I feel like taking that path again.

Maybe it at a different age we would have a slightly different experience, but it just feels like dark and heavy to go down that road again right now.

Maybe there's things we're not ready right now.

Maybe it does, but I mean, yeah you are.

I mean, you got it.

Getting a girl at eleven years old is much different than getting a baby or getting even a three year old, you know it is.

It's like and there's no doubt that it's going to be difficult, but that's going to happen with any child.

That even if you had a child and you got a sperm donor like that, all of that's going to happen.

What's different about the fostering system is that it's so frustrating and there's so much bureaucracy, and you know, parents have so many rights and so they finally don't have the rights the birth parents.

You know, they have to fuck up so many times and there's all this stuff that can happen.

And while that does sound challenging and onerous.

It sounds like something that you too can handle.

And I'm of the idea that if you can handle something, then you should be the people that are doing it, rather than like, you know, say you were looking at another couple.

Say you were looking at a six year old kid that needed a home, Okay, a six year old little boy who had been in foster care for six years, and you saw another couple that were going to foster him, and you knew that they didn't have the capabilities or the capacity to love.

In the way that you did.

Wouldn't you want to just go snatch that kid up and do everything you had to provide the home that you've already been able to provide for someone, Like you've proven yourself in this arena.

I really feel that when you do something well and have crossed all these hurdles and what you said, I hear you, there's sadness before there's happiness, Like I think you won't have an identical experience to the one that you had.

And there's just so many children out there that need homes, and when you really care about that, then that's your answer.

You know, go help somebody that needs a home.

You don't have to do it tomorrow.

But if you're on the fence about it's like you're not on the fence about loving children and wanting to help them.

You're not on the fence about that.

So I think that it's a definite yes for you guys, and it's just a matter of which way you decide to go.

And I would say fostering is you know, from somebody who's never done this if before in my life, just that you know, I'm just from what I can here from you, a.

Pretty close relationship with it compared to Yeah.

I mean, now I've seen it firsthand what happens and how frustrating that is.

But you know, you guys have a lot of love to give.

And when you have a lot of love to give, it's kind of your I think it's your responsibility to give.

It sucks to be good people, you.

Know, That's right, That's right.

Honestly, I don't have anything to add to that.

I think my only question for you is how important is it to you to pass on your DNA.

Is that a need like a feeling either of you have?

Not?

For me, No, that's a man thing.

Women don't give a shit hence the man with a thousand kids.

Yeah, I think if that's not something that you feel a great desire for, then you know, I think the sperm donor route as a So.

It's just like, this world is such a mess right now, do you really want to do that?

Do you want to bring someone in the world?

Right?

You don't want to add you want to comfort what exists here.

Is a question for you too, since obviously you've been researching this and looking into all the possibilities.

Quite a bit.

So between a private adoption or foster care, like is there the ability to sort of like be open to both of those and like put your names in the hat for both of those, and like see if one starts to feel right or if you start getting more you know, someone said to your questions from the agencies or those sorts of things, like just to feel it out.

Yeah, that's an interesting question.

So adopt a license and a very state by state, but to be licensed to adopt a separate of being licensed to foster, and the routes that those children go through are very different.

Yeah, and I would imagine it's like obviously another cost to get the license to adopt, correct.

Yeah, which isn't a big I mean, we don't care about that.

And when we previously, you know, we're planning to adopt, we were only licensed to adopt, and so that was our plan, even though the child was in foster care.

But they the system did its thing.

Yeah, they're like, oh, after we had already like decided and everything, they're like, oh, you know, well this might not go through for a little bit.

And so we got license to foster so that she could come into our home versus being like, oh, nice to meet you and have a good life.

Yeah, so you're sort of already ready on both of those counts.

Sorry, I don't mean just foster, I mean adopt or foster an existing kid, just somebody who's already here.

Yeah, if you go down the adoption route, I mean, it might take longer, but you're going to get the it's not going to be the bureaucracy you dealt with with foster care.

And that's also a way to rescue someone, you know, to get them in a safe place.

So I agree with Chelsea.

You two feel like people who absolutely have more parenting to give and more love to give.

So yeah, find a kid who's out.

There and maybe just like leave it open to both or you know, get registered for both and see which one starts to present itself.

Because I do think that the people and come into our lives that should be in our lives.

You know.

Yeah, and thank you guys for doing that.

That's beautiful.

You're both a beautiful couple.

I know you're going to make good decisions and provide and I'm so happy to hear that you were able to get an eleven year old little girl under your wings and guide her because she's going to be you know, her whole future has changed because of you.

So you have the ability to do that for people, and you should do you should do it well.

I was saying, this is from the start, so now that you said it.

She's like Chelsea to do.

By the way, I'm never encouraging people to have children, so this is at first.

But yeah, so like, keep us mosted, let us know what happens, will you.

Yeah we will, Okay, bye bye.

I just announced all my tour dates.

It's called the High and Mighty Tour.

I will be touring from February through June, So go get your tickets now if you want to come see me perform.

I will be on the High and Mighty tour.

Do you want advice from Chelsea, Right into Dear Chelsea Podcast at gmail dot com.

Find full video episodes of Dear Chelsea on YouTube by searching at Dear Chelsea pod.

Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law And be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com