I just announced all my tour dates.

It's called the High and Mighty Tour.

I'm coming to Washington, d c Norfolk, Virginia, Madison, Wisconsin, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Detroit, Michigan, Cleveland, Columbus, and Cincinnati, Ohio, Denver, Colorado, Portland, Maine, Providence, Rhode Island, Springfield, Massachusetts, Chicago, of Course, Indianapolis, Indiana, Louisville, Kentucky, Albuquerque, Masa, Arizona, Kansas City, Missouri, Saint Louis, Missouri, Minneapolis, Minnesota, Nashville, Tennessee, Charlotte, North Carolina, Durham, North of Carolina, Saratoga, California, Monterey, California, Modeesto, California, and port Chester, New York, Boston, Massachusetts, Portland, Oregon, and Seattle, Washington.

I will be touring from February through June, so go get your tickets now.

If you want to come see me perform, I will be on the High and Mighty Tour.

Hi there, Catherine, How are you you?

Hi, Chelsea.

I'm doing great.

We have two episodes this week.

In case you missed it, We had an episode with Elizabeth Olsen that came out yesterday, so be sure to check that out.

So our guest today was named one of the one hundred most Influential People in twenty twenty four.

She's a Best Supporting Actress Oscar winner, and her new movie, It's Hearnity, is out now.

So please welcome day Vine Joy Randolph.

Oh yay, we're sitting down with Davine Joy Randolph.

Do you know that we have the same middle name?

Oh?

I love that, Chelsea Joy Handless.

That's beautiful.

We did a good job.

You're beautiful.

Thank you.

Yeah, that's nice, Chelsea Joy.

Yeah.

First of all, Da Vine is joining us on her wedding day.

She's in a beautiful white wedding dress and she's on her way to get married and had time to squeeze in an episode of Dear Chelsea, thank.

You, thank you for having me.

Oh.

I so, I'm so excited to meet you.

I don't know if I met you when you won your Oscar a couple of years ago.

I feel like, do you feel like during that time we.

Were at a party at around an awards season because I said something and you go Chelsea and like like shut up, And I was like, how does this?

You like rolled your eyes but in a way in an affectionate way where you understood me right away, and I appreciated that.

I want to before we talk about your current movie that we're going to discuss, I want to talk about that period of time in your life because you had such a powerful acceptance speech.

When you won.

You won more than an Oscar, didn't you win a couple of other awards as well?

Yeah?

Okay, so you said some really powerful things.

And one of the things that you said, do you ever go back and watch Did you go back and watch that speech ever?

Okay?

One of the things that you said was that you spent so much time trying to be something that you weren't, and only when you started or really became who you are did you start to get rewarded for that.

Because I think in this industry or wherever right like you want to figure out how you can make yourself the most marketable or like, you know what I mean.

I think I was still in the process of the becoming and figuring myself out.

But I think where I'm this stepped or where it took a longer process for me to get to the thing, is that I was trying to figure out my similarities in other establish things that was successful and try to find those things within myself and not realizing it's just.

That work on this, this is the thing.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, Oh, well, I guess I have this part of this person that everyone loves and enjoys.

Let me bring that out or this aspect and then through that process.

And that's huge reason why I do like acting, because you're at least for me.

I always say, if I wasn't an actor, I'd be like a behavior of psychologist, because I'm very fascinating to the how and the why that people move and tick and do the things they do.

And what I like about acting is that it requires me to develop a skill set to not only examine other people, but I hope we're also examining ourselves.

So in this process of this career, it took me some time, but that I finally landed on, Oh no, no, no, it's here, it's within you, and let those things shine and the right people will align and attract to those things.

And when you have that feeling about yourself right when it clicks in that you want to be who you really are.

Isn't it crazy?

The way the universe starts drumming up all of like the positivity in your life when you get on.

Your own team, there's an ease, there's a fluidity, there's an abundance and things just yeah, it just clicks in and you're like, gosh, why did.

I And it's like the sooner it's.

Like not resisting, No, you're because what you're talking about and I as women, we all have done this resisting who you really are instead of embracing who you really are.

Yeah, because I think in life, you know, like at least for me, growing up, you see these things and women that are older than you that you aspire to.

I remember it used to be like my aunt and her jewelry and how it was just if it seems so feminised to love the bracelets she used to have, Right, so we lock these things of like, Okay, when I grow up, I want that.

When I grow up, I want to do that.

And I think I was collecting all of these things, which I think is beautiful of women in my life that I loved and in the process overlooking who I was becoming as a woman, and that I already had some of my own things well.

And I do think when you're developing your creative voice.

You're at first sort of seeing what you like and copying those things.

But after a while, if you're successful at it, you do get into your own voice.

You find through what you like, you find your own voice.

He yeah, and it's also nice, it's powerful.

We were just talking about essense, like the idea of ascending as a woman, the idea of you are growing into the woman that you're supposed to become.

And i'd like to think of that.

I had a friend at Glastonbury this year, of all places, where we were discussing this, like we're ascending, Like it's not.

That's why I hate when people complain about their age.

It's like, I don't get into it.

No, out of ages, What do you mean with age?

I just live you lean into it.

Yeah.

Yeah, And I think women, especially now that we're all kind of realizing how important it is to stick together rather than to separate.

That like you can help, Like what you're saying about your aunt's jewelry, Like I can totally relate to that as being a young child and looking to things that you want as part of your identity, you know, like when you grow up, and that is that's like part of our ascension.

That's when our ascension starts, like when you're a little kid and you start to envision who you're going to be, you know, and then all of the things along the way that kind of maybe bump you off track, and then getting back on the right, what do you think, like in terms of adversity, something that really shaped you in your younger years that helped totally.

I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up, and I was really grateful that my parents they knew I had a gift in performance, but they let me do any and all of it.

Like I was like the after school kid.

I did all the programs and stuff because I wasn't quite sure where I wanted to land.

But I started off by way of singing.

And I think growing up as a black woman, you there's certain things that you have to deal with, especially when you want your gifts to be displayed in public, like through performance that very quickly I understood, sometimes quicker than other kids did, the differences and how to celebrate them, own them, not shy away from it, and actually, like we were saying, lean in, and so it required me to have this kind of actually quiet but grounded confidence and resilience at a very young age y'a like elementary school because my mom my mom is an educator, and so education was really important.

I lived in the same city all throughout well up unto high school.

But nonetheless I had an army brat kid mentality because I changed school so much.

Until a graduate school, I had never stayed at a school for more than two years because it was never good enough for my mom, or in some weird ways, the school burned down or it stopped at grade five or whatever.

And so because education was important, I went to predominantly white private schools, and so some of these school would require me to do testing to get in that they did not require other people to do later we found out, and so that kind of sense of like competition but also like celebrate.

My mom celebrated it.

I remember when I would do the testing, she would like pull me out of school to go test for this other school, and then she would like take me out to a really nice lunch, and she kind of like hid the fact.

It wasn't until later that I realized why am I testing to get into this school?

And sometimes it was like so you can get a scholarship because to be honest, we couldn't afford to go to these private schools.

But I think it was early realizing like, not everyone in the world wants you, you know what I mean, and is as open and as inviting.

And I learned that early.

And so what my parents did that I'm really grateful for is they just kind of they were like, look, this is the world and it is what it is.

But we're not going to.

Be victims or completely change, you know what I mean, or you bow your head in any way.

You're gonna be polite, you're gonna be a good person, you're gonna treat people well, and you're also going to have a confidence and annoying within yourself.

And so that was early and I'm grateful for that because now with this is a career, like it's tough and you need that tough skin.

I think sometimes when people comment on those kind of essences of what they see, I'm like, oh, well, I had to do this young.

It's just now transition into a different platform, medium, whatever.

Because you're you know, you're out there on display and on your own.

Yeah, and you've yeah, well you've been through lots of schooling also you went to Oxford.

You studied Oxford, you studied singing.

And Shakespeare because I had got into Yale, and I realized, oh, I don't I don't know this at all because I came into it.

So I got into acting through being rejected from singing.

So I was a class I guess I say it was, but I'm a classically trained opera singer.

And so we were doing Aida, which is a very intense story.

Is that she related to Ivida.

No no, no, she was like a slave.

Well, she was first a princess in Egypt, and then it gets enslaved by this really hot guy.

So she ends up falling in love with and they have this interracial relationship, which totally was not the thing at that time.

They get buried alive as they're singing this beautiful song like it's epic, right.

So I was not different time, different time, not that I was into acting at all, but I was like, I think I need to do a little more than just like sing, and they were not into that, and so I worked with an acting coach on it, just so I could, you know, do my job well.

And they did not like it, and they ended up flunking me out, and I was like okay, and it was my mom, right, So adversity that was my junior year and it was my mom that was like you go across that street to the theater department, probably because most of the credits transferred, but she was like, I actually think you can do this as well, which at that time, as a jor in college, you're thinking about, you know what I mean, like, Okay, I'm about to be on my own.

I'm now a singer, like fly me to Milan, feed me pasta, and I'm about to sing opera, you know what I mean?

Like that was so my entire world quickly changed, and so that was definitely a moment of adversity.

But like, yeah, so acting came way later, got into Yale, but that was an area where I was like I'm not equipped for because I didn't have that formal training.

And so yes, that's why I went to Oxford to study Shakespeare.

Wow, how cool is that?

It was really cool?

Where they filmed the dining hall scenes for Harry Potter was our like cafeteria.

So what do you think about all the Shakespeare lore that, like Shakespeare did it really right?

I know, what's your take?

On that because did you read that book?

Did you read Hamnet?

Have you read that book?

They haven't, but I'm really excited.

So that's a lot about that too, about Shakespeare and I.

I mean, I don't know.

Maybe there's like super geniuses, but don't you feel the same thing of like I don't have to be controversial, but like da Vinci or Mcalangel, Like did you finally do all of them?

Like maybe you had a staff, like a team of people like Tina writers that we collectively but like, okay, I get it, he's the figurehead of it all.

But I don't know.

I mean, it's a lot of books.

It's a lot to do.

It's a lot to do.

I know, I don't believe, like I when you hear about erasure of art and history and all of that, it's just women and we got no credit for doing it.

So I'm sure, definitely I believe all of it.

Now.

At first, I'm like, that's such a big thing to cover up.

But then as you know, as you learn more and more and you're like, oh, yeah, this is all women, and then women wanted to give them any fucking credit because.

Totally or even like two hundred years later they'll be like, yeah, it was a man that did that, when it was actually everyone already knew it was a woman that did that.

Whatever I want.

Okay, well wait, I want to circle back though to you, so you're winning your Oscar for Best Supporting Actress for The Leftovers, because I just want to revisit and ask you what that time in your life now that it's you've had time, Yeah, what does that time in your life mean to you?

How did it feel?

How do you look at it now?

Yeah, it was a lot.

It was also because the industry was at odds, meaning it was that award season there was strikes, you know, I mean for writers, then the actors.

So timeline wise, now was when we so the movie I'm promoting now and that movie are coming out the same exact day.

And so due to the strikes, it wasn't until I think it was like November tenth that we could even get involved.

That was part of the bylaws, like we could not promote or anything.

And so it was a very unique experience.

And then once the strike ended, it was just full steam ahead.

It's all a blur.

I was like it was a marathon.

It was those campaigns season or word season.

I mean, it does turn into a campaign.

It's like, let's be honest.

I mean, yeah, that's I mean, let's be honest.

And I say camp like right, So different people could do any different things when you say campaign, but at the.

Very least you got to show up.

You got to show up to a lot of different places in front of a lot of different people.

And I just try to just come from it from an authentic place of like I'm just gonna speak about what I love and what I love to do and why I love this character, because that was the only way I was going to be able to get through it, because it's eight months, it's a very long time.

It's you do that's honestly.

I did not because we're like, oh my god, you cried.

I said no, no, no, I bawled because it was a release quite as it kept.

It's done, we're done.

We did it from November to March.

I'm yeah, yeah, you know what I mean, Like I had the best sleep that next day because you just like, I'm so grateful, but we did it, and it's done.

Well.

A lot of people win an Oscar and then they end up leaving their partner did you do that?

No, is that a thing?

Yeah, it's best actress curse, right's.

The best actress or best support.

It's the best actress.

Okay?

Like how quick?

Like I mean within a.

Year and it happened to Hillary Swank, k Winslet like a whole bunch of them.

Yeah, I'm trying to think why.

Maybe because you are you're not around, you're not home.

You may but I just figured it was because their husbands weren't carrying their weight.

You know.

That's like I got my oscar.

Now, you can get the fuck out of here.

You you know what it makes me think of?

You know how like if you get a surgery or something done.

I've experienced this.

You get a surgery or something you come to and you're like, you know what, let me do some inventory, do you know what I mean?

Like, maybe it was that right of like by doing something else to be.

Like, actually you're not ship, so my eyes are now that's interesting.

Yeah.

To be really clear, I've always made a vow to myself and maybe this is a very feminist thing to say.

I don't care if I'm in a relationship or not.

I don't ever want them on the red carpet with me because it's not about you, respectfully, it's not slash you know, as a woman, I don't want that to then be the conversation.

It's all about what we're here for, my job and what I did.

And I feel like women I don't think maybe some men get this or within they're like, oh my god, tell me about your partner.

Do you want to have babies?

And it's like, let's do the job.

And so for me, I always made that a thing early that I was like, I love that and that's like, you know, for me, acting as the job.

But all this stuff comes up with it right and being in the public eye.

But that's something that I want to always keep for myself.

I don't ever want the industry to have that because the reality is this, this is very hard to do.

You want to make sure that your support whatever that looks like family, you know what I mean, your main partner, that that's protected because you need that to be a good saved space for you to you know what I mean, have that sounding board with So.

Would you date an actor?

Have you dated actors?

No?

I've come close to dating them.

It's kind of hard to actors, are I know it's an eck, but you know they treat it like it's a sport.

Oh, I gotta go work out because I.

Got this role right playing somebody works at the grocery store, Like why are you now hitting the iron so hard?

They like treat it like it's the Olympics and it's very fratty.

It could be very fratty energy.

That's icky to me.

I haven't yet met the actor guy that's like, you know what I mean, because he's an actor.

He's like emotionally intelligent and it's like a little soft with the mask.

The ones that are interested in me are like bros.

And it just makes me want to vomit.

But like, I also think people frown on and like miss the opportunity of like crew.

That's yummy.

Everyone has had a moment.

Definitely when I'm suck with that guy right over there.

I definitely totally because they're not there because.

Yes, and and they dress like they're tatted, They've got excellent facial hair, they wear hats really well, and they're ripped, but like just enough rip that it's like it's because I lift heavy things on that.

Yeah, it's not the glamour muscles it's just like strength.

And I think it's something really refreshing of they're so regular that you're like, yum, yeah, that's a good one.

I like you like.

I mean, I was looking at this guy the other day.

I was filming something like three days ago with Kevin Heart.

He's shooting this show and I came in to do something on it and there was a crew guy and I was like, that guy is fucking hot.

And I was miked and everyone heard me, including him, and that was my intention.

I was like, I just you know, I think you should know.

And they love it.

They love it too, absolutely.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I don't I don't think I could do an actor.

And the director thing is weird to me too.

It feels like a dad thing.

That freaks me out a little bit, you know, because they think like they're like over you in some way.

They're like a little bit smarter than you, so they're running things.

I don't do well with that.

We're equals cut out, you know what I mean.

Like, so I always think with the directors, it's like, eh, it feels like a daddy thing.

Like I'm dating this older guy.

He could be my same age, but just how they carry them.

Yeah, yeah, well women director probably wouldn't act like amazing, No I've worked with female Have you worked with female directors more?

Please?

I mean, is it the way they get things done?

It's astonishing.

I literally just try to take notes and be like pass it along to the next male director that I work with, because you think they're reinventing everything is baffling.

It's amazing how efficacious women are when like I just made it.

I just posted something on my Instagram the other day talking about how men are.

It's just so disappointing, like just the most and it's not all men.

We have nice men here.

Your husband is a nice man.

Sure, I don't want everyone to think that I'm a man hater, because everyone thinks that.

But it really the comments that came in on my video about why I'm not dating anyone, the women were like and it's like every man just needs to read all those comments, like women are opting out of you know, not just actor men.

We're talking about men as a whole, absolutely, absolutely, but.

When you're talking about acting like you know, men who take themselves too seriously, like that's gross, that's an eck.

But there are so many other problems along with that, you know, and anyone who doesn't understand should go read those comments on my Instagram from all the women, because women were saying stuff and like I snapshoted some of them and sent them to you, and I was just like, oh my god, we are so unified and how we are feeling?

Yeah?

Yeah, absolutely, yeah, Like what is it called purple weddings?

Rainbow weddings where you like marry your gay best friends.

I understand it's best friend I do.

Yeah, We've talked about it several times.

I'm like, do you want to be just We were like no, let's just be besties.

But I can, I can process and understand why people would do it.

Yeah, some people just want to feel safe.

Yeah, yeah, you know what I mean.

Yeah, tax breaks and.

Let's keep in mind people were doing this for decades all the time.

But now, you know, we love to label things in this day and age, But what if.

People have been doing for decades like being.

Yeah, yeah, right for you and so happy and like, then you know, have the agreement.

To me, I'm like, it's no different from like an open relationship.

You just this is us.

And then I go.

With someone else and this is me walking away from us and at some point I love it.

Yeah.

Okay, let's talk about your movie Eternity.

Yees.

Okay, So this is a great premise for a movie.

We like this because how can we talk about it without giving away the plot?

We can talk about it, right, because I don't want to give anything away.

Okay.

So the choice is basically, if you had the choice, it's two men.

If you had the choice to how do I use.

Choose between She's choosing between her husband that she had for a couple of years, who she was very in love with, and who's very hot.

It's a plot point.

He's very hot.

Yeah, please, for the sake of this press tour, please say.

That both of them are hot on every man, you know, it's like one's crew is hotter.

That's true.

But and then he dies, and she's choosing between him and the husband that she was with for decades that she felt to life with you.

It's sort of like.

So she gets the option.

So you're you're suspending disbelief because this is afterlife.

You're you're you get the option to either meet your first husband that died and get back together with him, and all the possibilities of whatever happened, or you get to stay with the husband that you have now, who you do have.

Those memories with and you have created a life.

Yeah, it's a valid question.

Yeah, it makes you really think about all of your exes, like, and if there's anyone you would ever feel like, I understand someone dying and being ripped out of your life, you would always question that, right, you would always as a woman, what if what if he was alive?

What if what?

What?

What would our life have been like?

But it's harder to think about in the framework of a breakup because that's it's over, because it's broken.

Yeah, So are you the type that like when it's done, like when they're your ex?

Are they your ex?

Or do you can you like still like chit chat?

And I don't typically talk to my exes until about ten years after our relationship ends, and that's usually when they'll resurface and then it's nice, Yeah, because there's nothing left there.

Yeah, no one cares.

I don't think.

People realize that.

I don't want to make a generalization about women, but when we are done, we're done, it's gone.

And I don't think guys realize I don't think they really get that, and they're confused.

Like I think they say scientifically to like women process.

How women process a breakup and how a man does literally is in reverse order, which is like makes sense.

So what is it We go through all the big feelings first, like we basically go through it in a healthy way and in order, and we get to that point when then we're like at peace with it.

They're in denial.

They'll go out party, you know what I mean, smash other people, whatever, whatever, And right at the point when we are like I'm at peace, they're now processing it and.

That's when the.

Yeah, it's so weird or like you know, there's that weird phenomena.

Like I don't like to say that men are dumb, but I will say one thing that they do have that's fascinating.

You realize, like when something's going on in your life or like that next partner you had, or that moment where you're like life is good, they call or text you out of it's spooky and you're like, what, like kinetic thing made?

It happens every and it's a different person.

It's not like oh that one guy that he's just no, they'll just send the text and you're like, jump, scare them, Yeah, stay strong, Yeah, to block them.

I'm strong in a block.

I'm strong in a block.

Don't play with me.

I'm stronger than a block.

Yeah, I don't need a block.

Yeah, I mean, I'm not gonna call you, so it doesn't matter, you know, I don't need a block.

Like.

I trust myself now.

I do now.

When I was young and a drucker, like i'd get drunk and call it, you know, booty coffee.

But that was all so humiliating.

But I'm so glad that that's not even an option, you know what I mean anymore.

I don't have to be worried about how I'm gonna act if I have a couple drunks.

I know.

Yeah, it's when we're done.

We're done because in my mind it's like, at least me, I've flushed out every possible option, and I've tried my hardest to make this work.

What are we now doing it now?

It's like, so then, what was all of that for?

Do you know what I mean?

To think we could just be casual again?

No?

How what's your longest relationship?

My longest one now, I think is five years Wow, that's a long time, I know, especially for an actor.

Right, Yeah, so that's long before it was like two years was my mark.

Yeah, I was like, okay, I can't even make it past ten months.

That's usually my mark.

A ten months is usually when I'm like, okay, that's good bye.

And is it that they end up doing something the X if.

Once I there's a there's a couple of X and then when I hit like three X, I I can't.

I can't look at you.

I'm disgusting.

It's probably healthier actually, because you're getting you're going through the process quicker to staying too long.

Yeah.

And also it's not a revulsion.

I don't want to sound so harsh, but it's there's just nothing, there's no negotiation and yet and it's so final when it's final, like it's almost like you can when you're taking Like some people say I'm easy, easy to take advantage of, Like the people who work for me would say that about me, that I'm because I'm always like sure, take it like that person's not out to, you know, for anything bad.

And people are like, you're so nive for somebody who comes across as very you know, in control of my own world.

But you can push me, but then there's a stop.

So that's what I've learned about myself.

It's the same with men, you know what I mean.

You can push me a little, but don't push me too hard.

Yeah, and you clock it all the way.

Well, I don't know.

I think as women, you don't, you know, we realize.

I think as we get older.

You're thirty nine.

You're okay with me saying that, really?

Yeah, yeah, you should be right.

You're thirty nine.

We were just talking about aging and how you know, coming into you know, now I trust my guts so much more than I used to.

I don't question things.

I know what I might think about it.

You know, if I'm on the fence about something, really think about what does your judgment tell you?

Because this is what got you this far.

So it's one of my favorite things of being a woman, the universe giving us the gift of women's intuition.

Oh God, I love it so much.

And some women don't know to listen to that intuition.

And that breaks my heart.

Blocket.

We're going to deal with that today with our callers.

By the way, We're gonna take callers and we're going to give advice, and it's gonna be a lot about women's intuition because because you do, like, what would you say to anyone listening about knowing what how to listen to your intuition?

I don't know, because to me, it's just a loud voice, and I guess I never thought that in some people that voice would be quieter, right, you know what I mean?

To me, it's just so it's what I don't no.

Maybe it's in layman's terms that jimminy cricket, right, that thing that's like ah or yup, go for it whatever.

Right, It's not always negative too, and I think people don't realize that.

It's sometimes it's just that little Yeah, it's that little you that's the truth, the truest of you.

And it's sometimes it's telling you a piece of it, like right, it's not sometimes telling you this is the game plan of exactly how to do everything would be completely different people that was the case.

But it's it's a nugget, a significant nugget that sometimes right initiates that trigger or that red flag right of like just clock that watch that be observing of that.

It can be just that one is women's intuition, and then sometimes it could be a little more witchy, if you will, And it's like, right, if something happens, you're like, hey, uh, I know you said you're gonna go on that date with that guy.

I don't know, girl, you know what I mean?

And then they go, something happens and you're like, I relay the information.

Uh huh.

I don't know what to tell you.

But I do think it's something.

It sounds like.

You are someone who's been in communication with that still small voice for a long time.

I do think that if a woman is just starting to learn to listen to it, especially after having made some mistakes, like the more you listen, the stronger it becomes, and the more you follow it, the more in touch with it you can become.

I think for people who don't have that gut, you know, when people like that, it is a matter of actually sitting with yourself and like literally getting into meditation and literally just trying to understand who you are when it's quiet and like sitting with your body.

Now that's a key point, right, So then I think essentially that might be that people are running, running from themselves and making themselves busy enough distractions, that's right, right, so they don't have that time to sit with themselves.

On that note, we're going to take a break and we'll be right back.

And we're back.

We're back.

I didn't even grab from.

She's like, what, we're back.

We're back to Davine Joy Randolph if not to be confused with Chelsea Joy Hammler.

There's a lot of do you feel I take it.

I take my.

Middle name very seriously as a provider of joy.

Do you feel that way about the name Joy?

Yeah?

Good, I love that.

Yeah.

Is it actually your middle name, because some people that have Joy have a two name first name.

No, it's my middle name Joy.

Yeah.

Yeah, but it sounds so beautiful together.

Thank you.

I didn't really appreciate my middle name until I go way with Chelsea.

It is really nice.

Yeah, you're right about that.

I'm going to just change my name to Chelsea Joy after I marry myself.

I don't hate that.

That's got.

Well, here's a woman who is beginning to learn to listen to her intuition.

Kay says dear Chelsea.

I want to start by saying thank you for giving me the confidence to find my voice Your podcast has been the nudge I didn't know I needed to start reclaiming my life and made me realize I'm not crazy for wanting more.

At twenty two, I fell in love with a man thirty years older who promised me the world I had dropped out of college.

I moved to California and built my life around him.

Now, at thirty one, I've realized this is not my person, and at his ripe age of sixty one, he's not changing into the man I need or want.

Looking back, I can see how much the age gap shaped our relationship.

The power dynamic was never balanced.

He always had more control financially, emotionally, even in how I saw myself, and it's taken me years to recognize that.

Over the past few years, I've started quietly rebuilding myself.

I got my mental health in order, I started taking happy pills and just landed a full time accounting job that I love.

I finally feel ready to leave, but our lease isn't up till May, and I want to hold out until then so can save enough to move out move out on solid footing.

The hard part is surviving the in between.

He spends part of his time away for work, but when he's here it's emotionally draining.

I have to mentally remind myself to respond when he talks.

Our sex life is non existent, and after a long day at work, he's the last person I want to see.

It feels like I'm.

Living with the ghost of a relationship that in my head I've already left.

I guess my question is how do I protect my peace and stay sane until I can leave.

I feel like I'm just trying to play nice to make it to May, which at this point is like seven months away.

You've helped me believe that I can start over and actually be excited about it.

Ps Is it bad to keep the engagement ring and sell it?

Okay?

Wow, there's so much.

That's a lot going on, A favorite favorite life.

I'm gonna ask you girl, nor get oh yeah all the time.

That is one of my favorite lines from a letter.

Ever.

I have to remind myself to when he talks, she's gone, Welcome to the world.

Remember when you're done.

You're done, but not seven months staying there.

No, she got it.

She has to get out of there.

Why did she say?

Is it a financial She gets well, but she's got a new job.

She wants to save up a little bit.

I would say, get out, where's the Yeah, if she has somebody like parents or could she still yeah, kind of roommate, stay with.

A friend, or find some cheap airbnb, whatever you could afford.

But I honestly, the energy suck that you're talking about is going to have that's seven months.

That's not seven weeks.

That's going to have a negative impact on your.

And they're already there.

So I always say, don't let money control you.

If money is the thing, you'll figure it out.

And if anything, maybe it needs to be a little tough, humbling in those seven months, because that's part of the rebuilding.

Sometimes when you have rock hit, rock bottom is where you get the most work done.

But sometimes we can't always be in cushy, comfortable I mean it doesn't sound all that comfortable, but do.

You know what I mean?

Like, Yeah, it's nice that you're in whatever this house or places, but like what that house and home represents is not what you want.

Go somewhere else and begin rebuilding.

Yeah, because your mental health is more important than I'm.

She's working on it, but it sounds like she is actually at the point where she's ready.

Like if she was like I'm just starting to think about leaving, that'd be a different story.

But she's mentally gone, like she's checked out.

Yeah, I personally just wouldn't let waiting for the least to end to be the thing because also, you could be on a payment plan and say, hey, take me off the lease, I'll pay the rest of the least my half of whatever.

I don't know, but don't.

I would never let money be a reason to keep me in a bad situation, especially.

When the future is so bright like everything.

Thirty one?

Yeah, yes, good for you for making a decision.

Also, yeah, I also have to say she is actually quite mature for being thirty one, and she shouldn't a sixty year old exactly, And she shouldn't beat herself up because she met him at a young age and she's grown up in that process.

So I wouldn't beat herself up.

But now she's known, well she knows.

Yeah, yep, So keep listening, keep listening to her.

Hold on that last line a solution for her?

Can I curse ye?

Sell the fucking engagement ring and get that to get out one.

Yeah, sell the engagement ring.

The engagement ring shouldn't get a down payment on the part.

Yeah, excellent, we just solved it.

Get out.

Problem solved.

Look, problem solved.

Problem.

What's that We're on a roll already.

All right, here we go.

So Sharyah is going to be joining us here.

We can actually put on our Can they see us?

Yeah?

Because I have a very expressive face.

Okay, great question.

All right, so Shariah says, Hi, Chelsea.

I'm twenty seven now, but when I was twenty three, I got divorced.

Thank god, I got over that.

While I was young, I found that I was solely relying on my then husband to provide financially.

I was working a shitty job and had some college experience but no degree.

After we split, I felt like I woke up and thought, what the fuck am I doing?

This is like the after of the question we've just read.

I promise myself to never be reliant on a man ever again.

I worked extremely hard to be where I am now by completing my bachelor's degree and got a job to help me get situated again.

However, I am now a legal assistant, which I find to be a sole sucking job.

I really only got a degree because most relatively good paying jobs require a degree in anything.

As I'm sitting at my work desk now, I'm typing this and thinking about how I can incorporate my love of being active and outdoors into my career.

But it seems almost impossible, and I don't even know where to begin.

Or if a job like this exists, do I continue being miserable at my jobs and then go hard on my time off or somehow incorporate my passion for being outside and not stuck in a corporate office into a career.

Thank you, Shariah, definitely, Hi Shariah.

Hi, Hey, thanks for your letter.

This is our special guest today, davevine Joy.

Okay, so, yeah, you got to get out of that job.

That's not gonna that's not gonna fulfill you.

You you, I don't know what you're gonna do, but you're gonna figure it out.

Right.

We're not doing that anymore.

Yeah, And in this and then this day and age, like with social media and stuff like that, like just start doing it and it may be like, Look, if that ends up being your hustle job and that's how you make your money, make sure you do just enough hours to pay the bills, so like, right on the realistic side of things, you're taking care of that, but invest your creativity and the thing that you love.

Yeah, you know.

My question is too, you know, in a world where you can do just about anything or like, you know, how do you even start to find out what you want to do or what you want to make your career?

Well, let me ask you this, are you currently located in the.

Type of geography that's the type of outdoors you like?

Like, oh, that's a good point.

You know, area doesn't person.

Yeah, I guess I'm happy where I'm at.

But that's another thing too, is like I don't have I don't have kids, I'm not married, I don't have anything holding me anywhere.

So it's like beautiful, kind of overwhelming that I have all these things that I can do.

So it's just like where do I even start.

Well, first of all, google outdoor jobs.

And then start making a list of things that seem fucking appealing.

Let's start at the very beginning, like, go on anthropic, that's the new one.

I'm using Anthropic instead of chat ept to delete chat ept because those.

Guys are monsters.

Okay, Anthropic actually wants to regulate they care about they care about AI.

They're actually responsible one of these tech companies that is using really responsible and it's not as quick as chat Gypt, but it's improving all the time and it's and it's going to get there.

So first of all, go on download Anthropic, go on there and ask them outdoor jobs, use use AI to figure out how to curate the skill sets you have and you're the experience that you've had in the business world.

What kind of degree do you have, like a business degree or.

A business degree in general?

Girl, that's good, Yes, I listen, we are This is all great news.

If you're married, you have no children, you're young, and you know you're unhappy in your job, we're gonna you're gonna change all that.

You have your full life ahead if it's a good thing.

So this is a very exciting time.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think Davine was right, like start with you've got your job, and start going hard on the weekends and ahead.

So if you could do it remote right, because I feel like since the pandemic there's still a lot of remote jobs so that you can still keep that going.

And like you were saying, be in a location or at least balance your time that so that you check in the hours and do you gotta do for that one, but that you have more free time and the ability to travel wherever you need to go to tap into that.

And I think it's going to be about developing communities too, right, So being around other people like minded that you're going.

To start to figure out where your niches.

Yeah, and if you're finding that, like just spending going hard on the weekends isn't enough, Like my brother and his wife, they sort of did that.

They got jobs where they could work about four days a week and then they would go They live in the Pacific Northwest, so they just like go camping every single weekend and see waterfalls and beaches and whatever else.

But then that wasn't enough for his wife, and she just went and spent a few years extra in school and now she's an arborist and that's her new job.

And she took a treat climbing class that was part of her coursework.

Like, there are these jobs out there, but as you start exploring, you're gonna find out more about them as you want to.

And your business degree is going to come in hand because maybe you're going to start your own business.

You know, what are you what are you into outdoors wise?

Like what are your passions?

I mean like I like to hike, I like to trail run and camp all those things.

I like to ski, and like if I could be a ski bomb for the rest of my.

Life, I would love to, but have jobs.

But also you know, I would eventually like to maybe buy a house or so.

Then this is the business part of it all.

So you either need to have a company where you're doing hiking tours or you're aligning.

What you could do is let's put some luxury on this.

Reach out to like top five star hotels when you said with skiing, like hit up the Aspen Network stuff like that where you can have your own kind of service, whether you're giving tour guys or ski tours or whatever.

But as the business where you get to on their dime experience the things you love, have something where you're teaching them and then you're staying at these amazing do you know what I mean hotels and locations.

I think right now is this day and age of what are you an expert in expert?

It's just passion?

What are you passionate?

And you can literally sell it as a commodity now and you can do it in amazing and beautiful places.

It's like an outdoor adventure guide.

Like start with that classing.

And just and then you're gonna like put that down, you know what I mean, Put that into something, type that into something and see.

What comes up where all the options are.

Like maybe it's a VIP service you offer people, you know, like when I go on vacation in places, I always have like a concierge service, right, and then they'll set up my activities, you know, they set up like and this is all related to business, you know what I mean, Like you can make anything into a business now, but like something like that where you're basically planning people's activities and whether that's outdoor stuff only or whether it's like vacation stuff or you focus on on skiing.

Like do you live in a mountaintown yet.

I have before I lived in Salt Lake City, but I live in Spokane.

Now that's super outdoors Washington.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, there's I mean everybody in Seattle in that area loves outdoor stuff, so you're you're in a good place to do that.

So you just need to start networking a get a sense of like ideas and just you don't have to figure this out you know today obviously, but you're gonna start thinking about it.

And when you start thinking about it and putting your energy towards that, more things are gonna come your way, and you're gonna meet more people, and who knows, maybe you're gonna meet someone and you're gonna start a business with another person.

You know.

But I would get very active in like all of the stuff that you like to do, get active in the groups around that.

Do that.

You can start a hiking group.

You can start a hiking community for women you know between this age and this age, who are looking for community or for women only or whatever you're.

Interested in, you know what I mean.

You can start that with like three or four girls of your friends and then expand it and then you know, kind of think about which different directions you can take from there.

But but you're at the perfect time in your life, so take it seriously, and don't you.

Cannot be in a job that's unlfilling.

Okay, And you I think, just to kind of keep this energy going.

I'm sure you have a book you can recommend as well, but go get yourself.

A copy of You Are a Badass by Jensen Cero read.

I'm talking like a couple pages a day, and this is going to help keep your energy up, keep you thinking of good ideas, and really like shift your energy because it's I still feel like there's a little well I'm drumminess, you know, and this.

Is I mean, she's just called.

I mean, yeah, she's gonna still have them.

I mean, I still do have to go back to work.

You can have to do that for a little bit, but you can't.

But yeah, and it's going to be infused with this energy now because now you're going to be thinking about how you're going to make your way.

Is the remote option of possibility for your job to work remotely?

Yeah?

Yeah, and if I kind of just started so in a few in a few weeks.

Months, oh yeah, lean into the Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, Well it's great you have the conversation and it's going to ignite more conversations.

Yeah.

So, and she us posted will you let us know when you make your move and what you do.

Absolutely, okay, thank you, bye bye.

Be an outdoor hiking guide.

Yeah, and I think luxury VIP those are yeah, well.

That's my jam hiking nowhere?

Yeah?

Is it as been four seasons?

Are we talking about a real good time?

Yeah?

I need a guide with me for whatever I do, because I can't be trusted to find my way back.

Then what I mean, Well, let's take a quick break and we'll be back with one last collar to wrap up.

Okay, We're gonna take a quick break and we're back.

We're back, so quickest bake in town.

I can't speak either now, quickest bake in town.

Wickets Blake, Christopher wrote in his subject line is he shut down and canceled our trip?

So, Christopher says, Dear Chelsea, I've been with my boyfriend for about three months.

Things moved quickly between us, but we both felt it had real long term potential.

We had a few bumps.

He's very type A and I'm much more easygoing, but we've always managed to talk things through.

Recently, we took a short practice trip before he planned a two week vacation in Europe.

During a sunset cruise, he got upset with me over something small and completely shut down to the point where he acted like I didn't exist.

It was really painful, and we eventually moved past.

It fast forward to now.

I planned almost the entire Europe trip, making sure it was romantic and thoughtful.

A few days before we were supposed to leave, I mentioned I was playing tennis after work with a coworker.

When I got home, he refused to speak with me, and after a day of silence, he told me my location didn't show at the tennis courts.

Even though it did, he wouldn't hear me out.

He shut down again and ultimately decided not to go on the trip.

I'm heartbroken and confused.

I care deeply about him, but I don't know how to move forward with someone who doesn't trust me and can't communicate like an adult.

What should I do?

Christopher?

And I think, Christopher, you just got back from the trip by yourself, right, I.

Went to Amsterdam.

I changed the whole trip and did a solo trip to Amsterdam.

Oh honey, that's really did you get down?

Did you get any action on that trip to Amsterdam?

He can't say that publicly, Okay, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, oh yeah.

A little update on that is so I went and I shut my location off because I didn't tell him that I was going to Amsterdam.

And I'm because he's really into the locations.

And I may grind there.

So ye, okay, so have you broken up with this boyfriend yet?

We are on break.

We are supposed to talk this weekend about next steps, but I'm kind of hearing from my friends as well that I should run and they always wanted to tell me that.

They thought it was from jump.

How long has it been?

How long?

Three months?

Three months?

Yeah?

Yeah, this is this is around that time to gather.

Three months but like seeing each other about five to six kind of dating and then.

Just get away from him.

Get away from him.

You can't be with someone who can't communicate and that shuts down like that.

He needs to go to therapy and until he goes to therapy, you have nothing.

To do with him.

Period.

Yeah.

Sorry, it's like, listen, it's not three years.

Be happy, it's only been three months.

And I will say that you got the sign quickly and it's hard.

Yeah, but you they showed you and it doesn't mean that people can't change.

But you saw what you need to see early.

So at this point, right, you can stay in it if you want to, but you know what you're signing up for.

Do you know what I mean.

So it's kind of like.

Rinder is what you're signing up for basically.

Yeah, I think it's on me too.

I think what I need to work on is I become kind of a U hauler a lot, and I really you hauled this one to where I'm like, was ready to move in and I realized, what if I move in and he kicks me out because I was late home?

Yeah, he's unpredictable.

Yeah, you don't know what's gonna happen.

And the silent treatment is like toxic, bordering on abuse.

Withholding when you're so to give someone the silent treatment that it's withholding and it's abusive because yeah, and it's and it's also so immature, like it is so unevolved and so not worth your time.

It's it's disrespectful to you as a person to think that that's okay.

And I guess to me too, is kind of a sign of them just wanting to hurt you and not wanting to work it out, because it's like we have all that like, let's talk it out.

They're choosing to really lock into that pattern, but they just seem I think you would just be literally be on pins and needles around this person the entire time.

Yeah, and then the location off, Like what I actually would like to hear this conversation that you have next with him, because you know that he was tracking you while you were gone, and then you turned.

Your location off.

I'm surprised he's even talking.

To you, right, and that upset the facts that you turned the location off.

Yeah, I think what hurt me the most so was everything was like perfect, like as in a day before tennis we were going on this trip, but I honestly did play tennis.

And I think for me, it's like I started to get in my head of like.

Of course, because you can't play tennis, like I didn't lie, And I think that's what really got in my head of me and me starting to gravel and be like please, like let's fix this, but like I didn't do anything.

Wrong exactly because you want that's a natural reaction.

You really care about this person.

You may be even in love or love this person, and you wanted it to work.

But at the same time, it also should reveal to you, like you were saying, the amount of work that this person needs, because it seems as if, to put it politely, they can very easily get triggered and set off on things that aren't even there, right, Yeah.

So that's not about like his fear of.

That you're experiencing stuff and hurt which is legit right, that you had nothing to do with before you even came into the picture that's coming up for them and they don't know how to process or deal with it.

And it's not to say that they're a bad person at the very least they need the time to work it out and maybe but.

You know what else sucks?

Can I just say this, Sometimes the most fun, exciting swept up be the craziest.

Ones, do you know what I mean?

Like it can feel I sometimes in past relationships would get over time.

I was starting to pick up on these kind of I'm saying this to say, you're not the first one to experience this, so don't feel like you're alone.

In all of this.

And sometimes it's not for everyone, but those fast and furious heavy you also get fast and furious bullshit too, you know what I mean?

Like there's two sides of that coin with.

That kind of personality, and so it seems like you're also seeing not to say it wasn't real and what you guys felt is what you felt.

But sometimes I don't know.

Sometimes love is a little bit more boring and a little bit more it's not always high voltage.

And sometimes because those people are.

Like a little more high or strung, and you're gonna also get those highs of the bad highs too.

I don't know if that makes sense.

Oh, absolutely, I totally makes sense, I think.

But you know, you always have to look at these moments as with gratitude, like thank you for showing me who you are.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for not wasting my time.

Don't it's not a struggle.

You don't have to make it this big struggle.

And like, I don't know, is it?

What do I do?

What I would do?

You know what to do?

That's a bad sign.

He has work to do.

If he wants to do work and come back, great, you can talk to him in a few months after it's had some therapy.

But this is not how you're going to go through life.

So that's the end of that story.

You got the message out and clear it right, problem solved, Okay.

Yeah, And I think it's that way solved because I was also about to I was going to propose to No, no, no, no no no no no no no no no, it was no one really knew besides one friend.

This is a gift.

Was a gift.

It was a big, big the.

Universe stepping in to tell you wrong decision.

And also, you have a big, beautiful heart.

There is someone out there that's going to be down for all of that and will reciprocate the same exact thing back to you.

And this relationship and the relationships in the past will all make sense when you meet that person.

I promise you that without even knowing you so continue to be your beautiful, full heart itself, and the right person will be able to handle all of that and give it all back in spades.

Yeah, and I think I'm going to need to take my I don't need to rush.

I think you said that too.

There's a lot of men out there.

You're gonna be fine.

Don't worry about it, all right, Christopher, God speed God, thanks for calling in.

Yeah, well that was really good advice.

You know what.

I like the intensity with which you are paying attention to these questions.

I appreciate you.

I appreciate your attention to this matter.

Absolutely, you really really were I.

Still left my body to propose.

I got so scared.

We didn't even get into only Murders in the Building, Davine.

Okay, but thank you for watching it.

I love that you.

I get you got that you asked him to do a scene with Meryl Street because.

That's right, you have to in this building.

I'm like, oh no, it's okay.

So you can catch Davine.

She's a new movie.

It's Eternity.

It's out in theaters now.

You can catch her on Only Murders in the Building.

And it's it's such a it's such a joy to sit down with you.

It's such a joy joy triple joy day.

It's a triple joy day.

Thank you for being with us here on your wedding day.

Thank you.

The word of the week is efficacious, adjective having the power to produce a desired effect.

Efficacious used in a sentence.

Everyone knows that women are more efficacious at problem solving and multitasking than men.

Efficacious.

I just announced all my tour dates.

It's called the High and Mighty Tour.

I will be touring from February through June, So go get your tickets now.

If you want good seats and you want to come see me perform, I will be on the High and Mighty tour.

Do you want advice from Chelsea?

Right into Dear Chelsea Podcast at gmail dot com.

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Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Katherine law And be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com