I just announced all my tour dates.

It's called the High and Mighty Tour.

I'm coming to Washington, d c Norfolk, Virginia, Madison, Wisconsin, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Detroit, Michigan, Cleveland, Columbus, and Cincinnati, Ohio, Denver, Colorado, Portland, Maine, Providence, Rhode Island, Springfield, Massachusetts, Chicago, of Course, Indianapolis, Indiana, Louisville, Kentucky, Albuquerque, Masa, Arizona, Kansas City, Missouri, Saint Louis, Missouri, Minneapolis, Minnesota, Nashville, Tennessee, Charlotte, North Carolina, Durham, North of Carolina, Saratoga, California, Monterey, California, Modeesto, California, and port Chester, New York, Boston, Massachusetts, Portland, Oregon, and Seattle, Washington.

I will be touring from February through June, So go get your tickets now.

If you want to come see me perform, I will be on The High and Mighty Tour.

Hi, Catherine Hie.

Hi, what's happening.

I'm in Whistler.

You are in Whistler.

You know what.

I feel very connected to Canadians right now because I have started watching heated rivalry.

Have you heard about this, No, I have not.

Is this a Canadian show?

It does feature hockey players, and.

It's I've already lost interest, truly.

It is like a Roman It's like popping off everywhere right now.

Is it stupid?

It sounds stupid.

It's a romance novel, but a TV show basically about these two gay hockey players.

And she's steem me like a Canadian gay tell novella.

Yes, but not a lot of plot.

If you if you catch my drift, no, I catch it.

It is I catch it.

It is very fun.

I am in Canada.

I represent Canada.

Now I'm going to be representing Canada and the Olympics with curling.

That's a winter sport and that's something that I excel at.

So I just want everyone who's listening to look out for the Winter Olympics in I think they're in Cortina.

So yes, I'm in Whistler.

I haven't skied yet.

I think we're going to venturo into the mountain today and just find out where the freezing level is.

Yeah, me and the girls, because I've spent about the last forty eight hours watching movies in my cozy, cozy, cozy cabin and guess who comes up on the couch with me.

Here, Doug, he doesn't do that.

He does that here.

We went for a huge hike yesterday, fucking loved it.

And he came home and he's like, he fell asleep in my lap, wet, soaking wet.

I feel like Whistler is his happy place, but also your happy place.

Yeah.

It's like cold, and he's got all his friends there.

Yeah.

I love to bundle up.

M that's so lovely.

Well, I mean, if you can't ski today, at least you can operate, right, Yeah, well that's right.

That's a biggerath room, we get.

That's always an option.

Okay, So we have two very special guests today.

We have Emmy Award winning host and producer Ross Matthews and educator and professor doctor Wellington Garcia Matthews, who is married to Ross.

They have a children's book that is out and Ross has also executive produced a short film called Poor List, which is currently shortlisted for an Academy Award nomination.

That's exciting.

Please welcome Ross Matthews and doctor Wellington Garcia.

Matthews.

Hi, I'm sitting here with my good friends Ross Matthews and Wellington Garcia Matthews.

They are a very handsome couple, very handsome gay couple.

Sorry, ladies, Yes, they're both taken Ross.

We know from well, we go way back from Chelsea Lately Days and then Ross Lately, Yeah, and then Ross Lately and Ross you know now from He's on the Drew Barrymore Show.

He's on RuPaul's Drag Race.

And his husband is a professor.

What is your title exactly, You're a professor of education.

Yeah, oh well, there I go.

Just like he's super smart, he's his doctorate.

He you know, in schools.

He's got a shit together, like a real job, and Wellington has a shit together.

I can attest to that.

Yes, And you guys were living in La and then you moved here.

Well I was living in LA.

I met Wellington on vacation in Portaviarta back in twenty twenty on a gay cruise.

I wish, I mean, I wish too, I were on a gay cruise.

I one day I was landlocked at the time, I was at the Pinnacle, which was a resort in Portabayarta, and I ordered a breakfast brito at breakfast and then out walked Wellington and he was on vacation too, and then we got married.

And so he was your breakfast burrito.

Exiting Wellington Beef Wellington.

Oh, I love it.

He did it.

It doesn't seem like he did though.

Then Actually, no, I knew anyway, that's true.

I was.

I ordered breakfast brito and we met, and then I moved to New York, or I came to New York to see him, and then the Dru show happened.

And I've been here for five years.

Now.

Do you still have your place in Palm Springs.

No, we're full East Coast, full.

East Coast because this was an unexpected transition for you.

You were never going to move to New York.

I had no plans.

No, I was Palm Springs, I was calf Town.

I was Happy Hour, I was.

I was there and I was happy.

And then you know, I say, you put a saddle on life and just see where it goes.

And so that's what I did.

Yep, Pia, and that brought me here.

Now you love it.

I do love it.

And you have a house in Westchester.

Yes, so we were here in the city.

But you know me, I've always been like a little like more Pump Springs in LA I've always been a little removed.

So I like the farm land up there.

I love the country.

We're in the middle of nowhere.

It's like wooded.

It's like you're turning into Martha Sture at ross.

That's how you're something.

We live near here, which we were just invited to the house.

We went to look at the peonies.

Oh oh oh did you Okay?

So yes, not even a joke.

We live near her and we see her well.

She's very social.

She likes actually tell you something.

She is out and about all the time.

Absolutely, you have to be at that age.

Listen.

If you don't fucking get your shit together and wake up every single day and move around, you're gonna fucking fall apart.

You have to get more active the older you get.

Are you active?

I like, I prefer day outings and I like to be home at night.

I like, for sure, I like to drink have cocktails during the day.

I don't love to drink at night and then be hungover, you know what I mean?

Like, I like daytime events, socializing and then being in bed at a reasonable out.

Okay, what time do you make a dinner reservation?

Like?

What is your dinner time?

It depends where I am in the world, I'm in Spain, then I go out to dinner eight o'clock at night.

At night, if I'm in La all I could have dinner.

I'll turn it into a happy hour, do you know what I mean?

Absolutely, we like five reservation because we can, we can like dailly dally at dinner and you're still home by seven, right you know daylight?

Yeah?

Yes, But like I was in a viza for a couple of nights, and of course I had dinners at nine pm.

God, that would give me anxiety all day.

But then you're on a different schedule, like and then you also wake up at three in the afternoon because you're out to five in the morning.

You know what I mean.

It's a whole different when you.

When you get older, though, Like my wake up time is five thirty, and I can go to bed at nine pm, or I can go to bed at midnight and I wake up at five thirty.

Yes, you know what I'm saying.

That's aggressive, Yeah, it is aggressive.

So I'm very specific about a bedtime and a dinner time.

And I don't I don't go outside the I don't color outside the lights ChEls.

It's funny as we get older, like all the things that kind of either cement into habits or don't.

Like I went through a phase where I would wake up like I'm an early I'm definitely a morning persure.

And most people would think the opposite is true.

They think, oh, sheield be yep at night.

For a long period of time, I would wake up every morning six o'clock six thirty in the morning, wherever I was in the world.

It doesn't surprise me because you achieve a lot.

And I think people that do that wake up early.

Okay, okay, you you're welcome.

But now I'm going through this phase.

And maybe it's because I'm a little jet lag and I've been traveling.

But now I'm going through this phase where I just like I'm getting up early, like I will get up early, but I have to set an alte like I never have to set an alarm, like I just know when it's time to go, sure, you know, But like I would, I crave sleeping in, like I want to sleep in till like ten or thir ten or eleven, nothing past that, because then I get a little anxiety.

That's never going to happen.

I accept that I have lived my life as an active senior since I was young.

This is you know what I mean?

I love a sensible shoe, I walk.

Do you take Boneva?

Not yet?

But fingers crossed?

And who doesn't love a worthers?

I love a hard candy, a caramel.

But I also still allowed to have hard candies.

I thought older people are not allowed to have hard candy.

Dentist out, Chelsea, it's easy.

Well, that's nice for a couple of other things too.

Do you know what that's called when.

You tell the blow job?

Well, do you know what that's called?

This one takes a denture out and gives you one.

What it's called the velvet rub.

I learned that in Palm Springs.

Yeah, yeah, you like that.

Yah, it's true.

You're welcome.

That's pretty.

It is pretty and romantic.

No, but I'd never enjoyed anyway.

The point is this, I love.

I love the way I live my life.

Isn't that funny when you get to a certain age.

For me, it was like right now, like mid forties is like I always thought, God, I should be living a different way, and I realize that, No, this is how I live it, and I really love it.

From Afar watching your maturation and like life, since I've known you for over twenty years, I think it's I think it's great that you've adapted to all of this stuff.

You kind of have just gone whichever way the wind blows, and you know, and that's the way you should live life.

Yeah, I don't want to fight it.

I don't want to fight the universe.

I think you should just sort of pay attention to what opens for you.

And I think if you're present and you make the most of it and you pivot, that it can take you.

Life can take your extordinary ways.

I think people are so rigid and yeah, what they think they should be doing, or who they think they should be, or who that someone wants them to be.

And that is exhausting to me.

Yeah, how do you see it, Wellington, Like, how do you look at Because I think this is an interesting conversation, especially for our listeners, because so many people are so rigid with their goals and they're this is what's going to happen by the time of twenty five, and this is what's going to happen.

And then I'm going to be married by the time I'm thirty, and then I'm going to have a baby by this time, and and I find all of that rigidity to be very hostile.

Well, it's also.

It's narrow row, yes, and I think you miss out well you talk.

I totally agree with you.

I think it's limiting, and you know, because then you're ultimately just caught between a little box that you're trying to like check off all the time.

And so you know, I'm all about like just getting rid of all that and just doing what you need to do for yourself and whatever makes you happy.

Right.

Yeah, I do think it's important to be goal oriented, but then I just think you will miss stuff if you're not paying attention to every everything and open to anything.

Yeah, being open though, like you don't have to Plans can change and even goals can change.

Yes, and by the way, you can change and you can change your mind.

Right, but and how do you feel?

Well, you guys just wrote this book, first of all, congratulations called it's called t you and TiO so cute.

It's which means uncle and uncle right in Spanish.

Yes, because you're pre.

The para.

Nolo perfect amente bero.

So yeah, fill me in.

I mean, I'm just trying, like I try really hard.

To learn the language.

I'm not there yet, but I get better and better.

My issue, I mean, I take classes all the time, and I go through phases where I'm just constantly immersing myself in Spanish.

But my problem.

I can understand it, I can read it, I can write it, but I can't speak quickly back and forth doing this.

So one thing I could do in you know, English, that's like the easiest thing in the world, is like, because I'm such a grammarian, I have to say everything perfectly, and as soon as I get into a conversation and it goes too quick, I'm like.

So you can write it because you can delete and perfect and.

No, I can write it because I am looking at the whole scope of things and I can really take my time.

And so if I were talking, I have to speak like Joe tango nessitarla despasio, like I have to speak slowly to get all the words right, so I can't just like math it up.

I think it's so hot that, you know, I love that he knows Spanish.

When he speaks Spanish, it's so fast and good.

That's where I'm going to get at one point.

I'm never giving up, so well.

I'll be your private tutor.

Thank you.

I appreciate any.

Time I can't even rule my arms.

Do you know that I believe that that's as good as I can do?

So well, Well, when first, I want to talk about the book.

Okay, so to and To it's two uncles.

You wrote it for little children who have two uncles.

Well, it's about it's not even about us, it's about our nephews.

It's a true story about our nephews who are our ring bears at our wedding.

And Wellington saw them doing something at our wedding day and told me after and and do you want to tell them?

Yeah?

So they were literally so nervous walking down the aisle, like practicing rehearsing.

And I saw that my brother in law kind of just saying, you know, we have to rehearse, we have to practice.

And they were just literally no, lie, just nervous out of their minds.

Like practicing, like how do we walk?

How do we do it?

And the fact that they wanted to take it so seriously and wanted to contribute to the wedding in like a profound way, like they really wanted to do a good job for us.

We just thought that was like kind of a great lesson for kids that no matter your age or the impact that you're allowed to have as a kid, you matter to your family in a big way.

And taking that role seriously, we thought was a great lesson in Wellington as an educator, there's a lot of meat on this bone in terms of having a conversation with kids about their importance and their value.

And well not only of their importance and value, but it's also nice that they cared so much about it, right, Yeah, Like that's also a good lesson.

To care about something means or to be nervous about something means that you.

Do care about it exactly, and then it's okay to be nervous and it's okay to take it seriously and that you know you can have an important role no matter what age you are or whatever role you play in the family.

And it was great to write it.

And you know, he's like a really smart he does.

And so when we decided to write the children book, I was like, I'm not going to write a story, let's go, and I was missing out on so much.

When he would read what we wrote, he's like, there's a lot more conversations you can have in terms.

Of well, like as a teacher, you know, as a primary teacher that it used to be it's important to ensure that we have vocabulary in there, right, so that way our kids are exposed.

So the best way to kind of really get kids to motivate it to actually read is teaching them background knowledge, right and also bringing up vocabulary.

And so in the book, I made sure to like use big words so that way the parents can actually have a talking point, you know, and our teachers to have an actual talking point.

So a lot of things are in there, especially like even science terms that I put in there about whales and baiannas.

So those kind of things just come alive in the story, especially the illustrations that Tommy Doyle did.

They're just phenomenal.

Honestly.

The colors just they just sing.

Are you like when when he talks about kids, it's right, I don't know who they talk to kids at all.

I get anxiety.

You know what kids always say to me, are you a boy or girl?

Oh?

My god, all the time.

I know, so I'm always like hi, I try to butcher it up for kids, you know, so they're not confused.

Yeah, but you're butchering it up is basically and day.

Right, No, I try it to be Arthur.

Well, well, tell me about, like to circle back to what we were talking about about, like taking life and being open minded enough when there are changes.

Tell me about like your relationship with Russ Did that happen for you?

Did that change any of your plans in life because you had your career before you met him, you were already living here.

Yes, so it was very serendipitous that he actually got that show right to come here.

Yeah, it really, I mean it worked out in terms of my life and what's changed.

I still, you know, have the same kind of like nine to five kind of schedule.

I work all year around, so not much has changed.

The only thing that has changed is that we've been relocating, you know, in terms of finding that place that we can really call home, you know, and it was important for me to have him really round it, you know, and to feel like this is his home because I know how much he's left behind in order to bring himself here.

So I wanted to make sure that that was just part of the equation.

And so he's just phenomenal, as you know, he's genuine the sweetiest person I've ever ever have encountered in my life.

And that's and I'm not lying.

He's hysterical, hilarious Ross Matthews.

There's a reason why he's always always makes me laugh no matter what.

You know.

That's our love language, honestly, and I think that's what really keeps us together.

And he's so positive and honestly I thought that it was all like a gimmick, but no, this is him, this is him one and I really do enjoy that.

Wouldn't it be fun?

Though?

If I was awful?

I'm sure some people are.

Though I'm sure some people are acting night.

I mean, hello, yeah.

We we.

Know, but I mean everyone knows that.

You know, there's a big facade that people put on.

So it's really nice to know that there is a genuineness that you can actually be an upbeat person and mean it.

You're not faking it totally.

And not a Pollyanne.

I don't want to a pollian.

If something sucks, we can say it sucks, you know, but like right away pivot to what can we do to make it better?

You know, I've always it served me well to always sort of vibrate in a place of happiness that really and by the way, he does too.

And I think it's important to me to be with somebody who is very really that you know that's always number one good looking, no, but really is fluid in their energy.

Does that make sense?

Like somebody who's like really rigid in who they are and want it their way.

And that's not fun.

It's not for me.

It's not because I like to sort of say, like, how do we feel about this, Let's want this, talk it out and work it out.

Oh god, you would hate being with me, you would hate it.

I think, Yeah, I forgot I wanted to.

Yeah, yeah, I don't have the attention span for that.

Do you think if I was straight back in the day that you and I would have hooked up.

I can't even imagine.

That you never thought about it late at night.

It's very hard for me to suspend my disbelief in such a way.

But I mean, I do appreciate, I do appreciate having the attitude of like, not the attitude of gratitude.

A that's that.

That is true.

Life is better when you're in a better mood period.

As soon as you're in a shitty mood, everything goes wrong.

And you can control that a little bit.

You can perspective a couple breaths.

You can decide how you react.

To things, like if you know you miss your flight, Like, there's two ways to handle that.

If you want to throw a fit, then you're going to be in that space for a long time.

You're going to affect other people in a negative way.

You're gonna you know, Or you can be like, whoopsie doodle, I miss my flight.

Now what let's go at a bar.

Let's go to the bar, Let's go get a book, or let's go have a good day at the airport.

Yeah, so like there's two ways to handle everything.

But it's hard to remember that sometimes it is.

It is, but I don't know.

It just really served me so well I think in life.

Yeah, absolutely, as we can see.

And so what was your biggest thing that you did?

Was there anything when you guys got together that you had to overcome that.

Was like that's fun?

What do we fight about, Like what's our biggest Wellington's big penis And.

I'm sorry we're talking about children's but.

Do you know the worst thing that I do?

So I have a small chihuahua, of course, Audrey.

She has bold eyebrows.

She's named after Audrey Hepburn and I take her out for poopsies and peepe's every day, multiple times to the back door, and I lock it when I leave when I come back in, you know, because I am a protector and I want to make sure everyone's safe.

And so when well whenever Welly goes out to the pool, I lock the door, you know.

And so he tries to come in, and multiple times a week he's pounding on the back door to be let in because instinctually I just lock it.

That is the most annoying thing that I do.

That is annoying that I'm like, it's just us.

Seriously, right, what So can you stop doing that?

I tell myself to stop doing it and.

Maybe you can get hypnotized.

That's my new answers to everybody who's got problems hypnotized.

I don't want to do it like on a hymnsis for everything.

But I have to.

I would.

I would want a an independent party watching me get hypnotized.

I don'tant to be alone in a room with somebody hypnotizing me and then wake up what happened?

Film?

I want you to die I'm sure there's that too.

You could probably hire a third party person that watches you get hypnotized so that you don't get like finger blasted while you're getting.

You know what I mean, how long sin I've heard the term finger blasted.

I want to thank you for bringing up back no problem, I will handedly.

I was, I was, I know.

I was with this.

Woman the other night, this German woman who was telling me that she had this adult onset fear of flying, that she's flown all over the world and she's never had an issue.

And she's like, and now I'm scared to death of flying.

And I'm like, you have to go get hypnotized, and she's like, hypnotized, what do you mean.

I'm like, there's hypnotists all over the world that to help you with flying, especially if it's an adult onset thing, like if it just started the sooner it starts, like the sooner you nip it in the bud, the sooner you can get rid of it.

And it's my philosophy.

Sure, I would think if you all of a sudden have this crazy fear, that you can Anyway, this woman emailed me this morning and she's like, oh my god, I found a hypnotist in Germany.

I'm going it's three sessions, three separate weeks.

I have to go for three weeks in a row.

And she's like, thank you so much.

I had no idea about hypnotists, and I'm like, really, I'm like, are we just only getting Are there only hypnotists in Los Angeles?

Like?

What about Switzerland?

They've got to be up to some shit like that too.

But it's not the first place I go to to think hypnotists.

Have you had a hypnotist experience that really worked for you?

Yeah?

For smoking?

I mean, now I'll smoke once in a while, but I did smoke for ten years and a hypnotist did it.

Yeah, three times.

I went to doctor Kerry Gaynor in La Okay, and he was for smoking.

But I'm sure he did planes too, you know what I mean.

Can I ask a question when you're hypnotized, do you feel what's happening?

Are you aware of everything as it's going?

But I was, But you are involuntarily responding to them.

You're in a very relaxed state.

So while you're like going okay, ten nine eight, you're going down the stairs, you're going down another set of stairs.

They're just getting you to the most relaxed state and you're still conscious, like you you're you're aware of what's going on.

You're just trusting the technique, like you're just like, it's not like he could have fucked me and I wouldn't have known.

I was, I was awake, but choosing to go along with it, Like I was like, there's no way this is gonna work.

But it did.

Ten on the third time.

The third time is the time where you're done, Like then you quit smoking.

Like the first time he tells you about how disgusting smoking is, blah blah blah.

You're gross, you're polluting your lungs, you're putting you might as well be like breathing in carcinogens.

You're like, oh my god, I feel like such a dirty whore.

Yeah, you're the second time, you're gross.

And then on the third time he's like, okay, you won't, you won't.

I'm like, can I hang out with my friends that smoke?

Do I have to avoid them?

He's like, no, no, no, you'll never want to have a cigarette.

And for ten years I really did it.

Wow.

Now once in a while, if I'm in Europe, and people are smoking.

I'll smoke a cigarette here or doesn't help.

Yeah, I don't think you can get cancer in your eye, nothing, at least that's what I keep telling myself.

This is fascinating, Chelsea, that you did get I want to try it.

But you could do it for all sorts of things, like if people have like I've a rector.

I don't have a rectify, but we have snakes.

I'm scared of snakes.

Yes, I don't like, but I'm not going to a hypnotist about that because it's not like I'm running into snakes all exactly.

Who you Steve, It's not happening, right, yes.

Right, I've actually been deer with Okay, so are you okay?

Okay?

I love that I relate most to her understood out of the family.

You could go for like if you're a picker, you know you picked yours and your nails, and you need to get hypnotized for that.

I would do.

It's all sorts of bad habits.

Basically, I wonder if they have a hypnotist specifically for people who locked the door behind their chihuahua.

You know what I'm saying.

I think you just need a hide a key for that good point car.

Or you could get a callar for ross to wear and every time the door is locked, you zap ross like so that you don't go out of bounds.

That's actually much quicker way to get to the point, because I bet you he won't make that mistake more than twice.

Or I'll just keep making it because I like it a little bit.

Or you put the out a different area and that, but I would try him no, no, So that that sounds fun.

Yeah, I think.

Well, now ozempic or whatever GLS five whenever anyone's on, I take tepetide.

But now those things kind of cut out all of the bad habits too.

So if you have a like if you're a sugar addict, if you're an alcoholic, if you're a drug addict, A lot of people take those and then they don't they don't have like I know, reals.

When I started taking ozempic, I completely could not drink vodka.

I was so grossed out and I was like, who whoa, whoa, I'm not going to stop drinking, like I'm going to find a work around.

Yeah, get this, So that isn't out of me.

So then I started drinking gin tanker a gin, and I was like, oh, I can drink this, so I'll drink that really.

Yeah, So it kind of like changes your appetite for things interesting.

But if you're an addict, it can make you really not want anything fascinating.

So that's that's good, you know.

I mean, people, that's the biggest problem I think is a food, alcohol, drug, sugar addiction.

All that shit right.

Thank god I shared that riveting chihuahua locked door story that brought us all the way here.

You know, it's a full circle moment.

What a risk I took it.

I paid off time to take a chihuahua break.

We'll be right back with it, Tom.

We'll be right back with Tom.

Broke off everybody, and okay, we'll be right back with Tom and his chihuahua.

And we're back, okay, right back with Wellington and Ross and who are a happily married couple.

How many years have you guys been married?

Now?

I've got three years now.

Oh, I've always been together five years.

Yeah.

Oh, it feels like longer than that, it does.

It feels like, I mean, that seems it doesn't seem like a short time, five years together, But I do feel like life really began when I met Wellington?

For me, it really in terms of it all coming together and being myself and fighting home.

Yeah, really finding home great way to say it.

Really I feel that way too, because when I think of you, I always think of Wellington like you're a fixture.

You're You're like a cup.

You know, it's not one or the other.

You guys come together as a package.

And I understand what you're saying when you say life began with him, because I think a lot of people who are in really healthy, grounded relationships, do you feel like that's when their life began.

I remember being young and not thinking my life was going to begin until I was successful.

Like that for me was a marker.

I'm like, oh, this is all just practice until I begin my real life totally.

And that's not to discount who we were before we met each other.

All of that was important, we mattered, we were there, but in terms I mean, RuPaul told me one time that life begins really when you're forty, and I didn't understand what that meant until I was forty and I happened to meet Wellngthn then as well, And it really is about you you.

You have made all the mistakes, you know, and so if you've touched the stove you know it was hot, you're not going to touch it again.

I stopped doing the.

Most of us, most of us, some people don't stop doing anything.

Well, when I think that's when you become a grown up, Like, yeah, when you start doing stop doing the shit that that hurts you, that's when I think you really become a grown up.

M Yeah.

I feel like when I turned fifty this year, that was like, Okay, I'm a woman, like a full fledged woman, Like you can't tell me.

Not that you couldn't tell you could tell me what to do before, but there's a different there's a different maturity, Like I'm not responsible for your feelings.

I don't overthink things.

I'm not over analyzing anything.

You're not going to break me.

I'm too strong and fierce.

So what is that You describe what it's like?

But what does it feel like to be on that place, to be to have that sort of power?

Just feel so strong, Like I just feel like weef were day, you know, like like like a tree, Like I just feel like a real like starting tree.

Like I can be annoyed.

I could be tired, I can get bad news, I can be all of those things.

But you're really like, I'm kind of unshakable at this point, and not kind of I am unshakable at this point, like you're not going to get me.

Yeah, what I mean, knock me over.

Before I felt like, oh, I could go through phases where I was weak, or I was I was emotional, or I would be fragile, and it's like, no, no, no, I'm not even if I'm experiencing one of those things that is just a little like it's it's not a it's not going to affect me.

No, it doesn't mean no, it's not a point of weakness or someone could shatter something.

It's just you're feeling it.

But it's in strength.

I get it what you're saying, and I notice it.

Now more than I feel this way.

When I meet people who are very fragile or seemingly vulnerable, more vulnerable, I'm like, oh, I hope this woman gets to that place where she understands her your essence and your worth and yeah, you're worth, Like there's enough you've gotten so far in this life and it's because of your actions.

Absolutely, And I think if people are listening to this and they're feeling weak or fragile, Like, just know that that's not a state that they have to be in forever.

Now.

You will eventually get to a place of strength, right, And you also.

Start making like I like the decisions I make when no one's watching, Like I'm proud of who I am when nobody is looking or watching, that I do the right thing, that I'm morally correct, that I'm actually doing what's best for everyone, That I don't lie, that I don't try to get out of things by lying, like I'm always up front, and like I respect myself because of that.

Huh, I know what I mean.

It's like when I see a piece of garbage or something and I pick it up and no one's around, I think, God, I'm good, so good.

That's right.

That's exactly the kind of shit I'm talking about the day the day.

Yeah, you know, but it really is.

It's those little things matter even if nobody's looking, you know, in terms of what kind of person you want to be.

I guess maybe in my head, I feel like somebody's looking, so I'm maybe.

Because what somebody is you're looking?

Yeah, I guess my it's I'm the one who's looking like I'm always like, oh okay, because I'm like, God, you know, when you think about that, I think there's a period of time in your life where you're starting to you want to be accountable, but you're like, who am I accountable to?

And I think the answer is you're accountable to yourself.

Really.

It's so I do that all the time where I tell him something that i'm doing because I like, if we were out and we go to dinner, I have a martini.

We come home and I have like I don't want to hang out tomorrow, so all port just I just want like a sparkling water with lemon.

But I'll say to him, I'm not having a drink.

I'm just having sparkling water lemon.

He's like, okay, okay, right.

Right, why.

God, But I was like, I need say like, look, I'm doing the right thing.

I'm not annoying.

Well, first of all, you can tell it's not a drink because there's no fucking ice in it.

Right.

Well, no, I still ice in everything you do.

I don't like a hot beverage.

No, no, no, no, honey, you don't have to tell me twice.

Thank you?

When it's cold sparkling water.

That's the only thing I don't need ice in.

If it's really cold sparkling water, I don't need the ice because I find that the ice dilutes the bubbles.

You know.

Of a blizzard and I'm having an iced American.

I don't want to listen.

I just got back from Europe.

You don't have to talk to me about ice and want to bring your own I want.

Yeah, the icebergs are melting, and my big idea is to turn those into fucking ice cubes.

Okay, what do we have going on, Catherine?

We have a couple great callers.

Our first caller is Joey.

Okay, he says, Dear Chelsea, I'm listening to your podcast while doing my ketamin therapy dog walk, and I'm wondering if you have any advice for me.

I'm a thirty nine year old bartender and recovering drug addict, and my partner is a thirty five year old firefighter paramedic slash walking Excel spreadsheet.

He doesn't seem to be interested in getting in touch with his quote unquote feelings, and I've been pushing him to connect and all that to benefit our relationship over the past six years.

But how do I, an audihd emotionally unstable piece of swamp trash, convince him a successful and literal life saver, of the importance of emotional vulnerability and connection.

He has literally said, it just sucks that the thing I need to work on, quote unquote happens to be what makes me so good at my job.

Am I crazy?

He thinks that being a dismissive avoidant has given him a leg up in his career.

I think he's robbing himself in the long run.

This man is amazing and I love him to death.

However, I can't seem to gain any traction with the idea that emotions are important.

I'm not asking him to cry while he in debates a patient.

I just think he could be a better human, partner, medic and leader if he were able to allow himself to feel with boundaries instead of not at all.

I don't know, Maybe it's the key.

Should I lace his smoothie with la Dusty cheers?

Joey, Hi, Joey, how are you good?

Wellington are here today?

Hi?

I mean, well, they can speak to being in a couple, but I mean it's really not your job to get somebody else to figure out what their emotional mindset is going to is or their growth mindset is going to be.

Like everyone has to kind of come on to that they're in their own way and if they decide to do it, some people never do it.

But it's really hard to be told you have to get better with your emotions.

Yeah, right, listen.

I think it's great that you have sort of said to your your partner, like, hey, this is what I think you'd benefit from this, But it's kind of up to him to be who or him or I guess him, right.

Yeah, I just assume we don't have any straight men calling into this podcast.

But it's up to them to be who they are.

And like, the truth is, you kind of have to like decide that you just love them as is too.

If they don't have any growth, you know, you can, but you can't dictate it.

Yeah.

I like work on myself so much, and so when I see someone who's just like, no, I like the way I like me the way I am.

If you want someone more emotionally available, you know, go find them.

I'm like, really, well, there's also this thing with a spiritual like I'm not saying you're a spiritual narcissist, but there can be people when they're working on themselves, they can kind of have a superiority complex, thinking, Oh, look at all this work I'm doing.

You're taking care of meane, walks with the dog, you're in touch with yourself emotionally, like, oh, why you need to work on yourself.

It's kind of like you don't get to tell somebody else what work they need to do.

If you're going to be in that relationship with him, you can leave him and then be like, oh, yeah, you're not mature enough or spiritual enough or emotionally in touch with yourself enough.

But if you're in the relationship and you're choosing to be there and you're doing your work, if anything, you should be focusing on your work, and that's it, and that's going to lead you to a place of either acceptance or you're going to be like, oh, I reject this relationship.

I need somebody who's more in touch with their emotions.

It's almost like like just to relate it to something.

If you were like renovating your house and you were really proud of your brand new kitchen and you went into somebody else's house in kitchen and told them they needed to renovate it.

It's it wouldn't It's just not fair, you know what I'm saying, Like that's their kitchen and they've got their choice with how to decorate, and so, you know, I think take care of you and decide if you can live with somebody like that.

Yeah, no, that that makes sense.

I hear you on that for sure.

Yeah.

I like your kitchen by the way.

I can see it done.

Tons of work on my kitchen.

You don't need to do a single Yeah understood.

How long have you been taking ketamine?

Probably like a year.

How frequently do you take it?

Maybe twice a month?

Oh well, that sounds good.

How has that helped you?

I'm not I don't know the benefits of it necessarily.

Can you tell us.

So for me?

Like I've always just hated myself a lot.

And uh.

And you get these lenses that you built up, and ketamine just like disassociates you from your and all those lenses that you have like faggot, idiots, stupid, whatever you've got that you see yourself worked.

You know, it takes them all away so you can see what other people see.

I guess and it can be really powerful.

Oh that's beautiful.

Wow, I'm so glad you're able to see what we see.

We've known you for thirty five seconds and I don't think any of those words.

Okay, So just so you know, I'm glad.

I'm glad you can see that.

I appreciate it.

It has come to that point where I have to either accept it accept this man, which I always have.

It just does get frustrating because I'm like, I go to therapy every fucking week and like look for things to fix about me, right.

Right, But that's you.

And also like some people don't run into that roadblock at the time that you want them to run into that roadblock.

Like people only do the work on themselves when they realize something's not working for them.

They're not just gonna go Like if everything's going great for him and its boyfriend is saying, oh, you need to go to therapy, that's not enough of a reason unless there's major problems between the two of you, and then he would have a choice about whether or not he wants to go talk about it.

But like, it's really not up to us to tell other people what to do with their emotions.

Yeah, I think you could suggest once or twice, but then we just have to love people who they are, you know.

It's when it like you know, pops up.

Stay Like intimacy right is really hard if you're not willing to be vulnerable.

So so I crave that intimacy.

And that's whenever I kind of end up mentioning something about God, like I just want you to be here, present, emotionally vulnerable, and he has a really hard time doing it right and he doesn't want to change that because he's an amazing hero.

Wow.

Well, I mean it's also maybe you define vulnerability differently, you know, and you can't dictate that for somebody else.

So I would just work on maybe just seeing him for who he is and value him for that.

Yeah, I know I do love this person.

I just I knew that I needed some outside perspective.

So well, I hope he gave it to you.

Yeah.

Yeah, so definitely, Okay.

All right, thanks for Joey by Joey.

But I feel like there often is like one partner who is a little bit more emotional and one who's less emotional.

Like my parents, My dad is much more emotional than my mom is I'm more emotional than my husband is.

Well, definitely, there's different levels of emotion, but there's also being in touch with your emotions like certain people, because that's a total lack of intimacy too.

Before I went to therapy, I didn't have any intimacy with any of my partners.

There was no intimacy because I was invulnerable.

I couldn't.

I was invulnerable.

So like, those things do go together.

But some people go through life like that and that doesn't seem to be a problem.

I mean for them, you know, you have to hit a wall of some sort.

You absolutely do.

I mean, well that's life, right.

That's what we were talking about earlier in the show, is these you're making those mistakes, you learning those lessons and becoming who you want to be.

Do you feel totally vulnerable now?

Are you able to go to that place when you're with somebody?

Yeah?

But I mean I could go to that place with somebody that's a non romantic partner, but I'd have to really be Yeah, I can go there with anybody really.

Yeah.

I don't have to be in love with somebody to be like vulnerable or like uh yeah, yeah, but I'm also I'm just not that vulnerable.

You know what I mean?

I do know what you mean.

Like, that's what I'm saying.

You have to define it for each other.

Right, Like I don't want Yeah, Like if I think about my desires about connecting with a man, it's not on It's not that level.

Like I don't need to be looking into your eyes and you telling me how much I love you and I say about you're in the totally different vibe for me exactly is loved?

I think so too.

Yeah, yeah, uh huh.

Like I don't need to be sobbing in your arms and raping as we hold each other.

Exactly to be intimate.

Yeah, that's a bit much for me.

I'm good and for most of us.

What else we got?

Catherine Well, Our next caller is Heather, and she says, dear Chelsea.

I started doing drag in twenty fourteen, a few years after moving to San Francisco from the South, perpetually a late bloomer.

I was thirty nine when I started, and it took that long for me to realize I could be a drag queen.

As a sis woman, I quickly joined a weekly show at midnight on a Tuesday at one of San Francisco's oldest gay bars, the stud as well as other gigs as I could get them.

It was never my full time job, but it did use a significant amount of my time and creativity.

In return, I discovered my sexuality, sense of gender, a great group of friends, a newfound confidence, wild creativity, and a best friend who became my wife now of over five years.

When COVID hit, both my wife and I stopped doing drag almost entirely.

In twenty twenty two, we moved to Portland, Oregon, a place with lots of drag opportunities.

Both of us miss what drag brought to our lives, so we sought out some easy opportunities to perform, primarily at a community center which has a great, big audience but is low pressure.

But some things changed.

The problem I'm finding is that shows now cause me complete overwhelm, exhaustion, and a feeling of burnout.

Since I'm doing just one show every few months.

One of the big hurdles is the makeup.

You know, when you do batwinged eyeliner every day and it's so easy, and if you stop for a while, it's a hot mess.

Imagine that, But a whole face that takes one to two hours.

I also get too involved in helping run the show, which leaves me exhausted rather than invigorated.

I love going to group rehearsals and thinking of numbers, then preparing, and during the show I have anxiety and a sense of dread.

Is it time for me to let go of drag entirely and forever?

Grateful for all it's given me.

Even the few shows I've done in Portland have led to friendships and community.

Meeting people in the dressing room of a drag show is my favorite way to meet people.

Love Heather aka Bamaslama Ding Dong.

Okay, this ross is over to you?

Oh well ross is ag yees in house drag experts.

Well, I've seen a lot of great drag on RuPaul's Drag Race up close.

Hi Heather, how are you?

Hi?

Big fans of all of you, Thank you.

I love that you do drag.

Drag is for everybody, and it's such a beautiful art form.

But it is a lot of work.

You know.

These queens we have on Drag Race have spent years, some decades perfecting the art and it still takes them forever to do their makeup and think of the numbers, and so much goes in to it.

Listen, I think, well, I know the drag has brought a lot into your life and you've loved it, you've enjoyed it.

But the truth is it is an extracurricular activity for you, right right, and so those are meant to bring you joy.

So if it's not bringing you joy right now, I think you have to adjust how you're approaching it.

If you're liking the picking the songs, and then that maybe you're helping out at drag shows.

You know, there's the people that are so integral to those drag shows and drag brunches who help out in the backstage or carry the tip jar around or help the queens.

There's ways you can be involved with the art form if the actual art form itself isn't bringing you the joy you need.

What it brought you is still there whether you're in drag or not.

Right, And I have tread that I've done stage manager and things like that.

At the end of the day, the spotlight is important, you know.

So I guess I'm trying to figure out, Yeah, what is the next step where I can still be involved?

I see other drag queens do stand up comedy or move on to other things music.

All that takes effort to.

So it's hard to put into words what drag brings to you.

You know, it brings such a power and a different element.

Can you tell us what it brought to you?

Like, what did it feel like when you were in that spot like in drag?

Like what were you drawn to it?

Just it multiplies confidence you know so much and you get to live out every fantasy of you know, look like Barbie, look like an alien, that that kind of extreme creativity.

I do love.

I feel like that it'll be figured out, and I do agree with you there's plenty to do to support the shows.

Chelsea.

You've talked before about.

Like having to take a break from stand up when it was like not feeling life.

Giving to you.

Can you talk a little bit about that and what brought.

Me back to now?

I just feel like sometimes if you're not feeling something, you shouldn't struggle with it, you know, don't like fight it to the death, take a break and walk away, and sometimes you get a fresh perspective.

Not sometimes almost every time.

It's almost like writer's block a little bit.

Yeah, you're having drag block.

Yeah, yeah, maybe you are.

I like that.

I mean that there is true to that.

I think it's always healthy to take a break.

I mean, if something's not giving you the same vibes that it gave you, then yeah, there's nothing wrong with taking a break.

And it doesn't have to be like you're broken up.

It's just like you're taking a break.

You know.

Art is work, but it also should bring you joy and pride, you know, and so maybe it's a little distance would help that.

If you miss it in a few weeks or a few months, you check in with yourself.

Do you miss it?

Do you want to go back, do you feel the urge?

Do you want to go see a show and not participate in one?

Or do you want to be in one?

And just check in with yourself even write about it, journal about it at night before you go to bed.

Do I miss drag today?

No?

I don't.

What am I feeling today?

And just kind of keep an emotional kind of record of how you're feeling and that'll give you all the indicators you kind of need to know.

I think a lot of a are just not in the practice of listening to ourselves as well as we should.

And if you really are with yourself and you give yourself time to digest something and to think about something, and really like, Okay, I have an hour free today, I'm going to think about how I feel about drag like that, really dedicate the time that it deserves to be thought about and considered and contemplate it, and then you'll come up with your answer whether or not you're ready to give it up or you want to go back at it fully or in a different way.

Yeah.

I've had a lot of stress in my life over the last year, and one thing I am looking for is that kind of escape and outlet.

So release, right, what.

You're talking about.

I think it also give me an opportunity to try other things.

Sure, yeah, absolutely.

And it should be fun, right, You need to release, You need to have a good time.

It should be fun whatever you choose to do and how you spend that time.

Sure, sure, all.

Right, Heather, thanks so much for calling in.

Thank you, Heather, good luck, Heather, thank you.

Is there an art that you wish you were like, that you could do.

You know, Yeah, of course, anything I wish I could do, anything I wish I could sing, Oh for sure.

I could sing.

I wish I could dance.

I wish I may be a good dancer.

This one can move like the I've seen you dance.

I've seen you dance Wellington.

This summer, I was like, I love drawing.

I was like, I really want to get good at it.

I want to become like an artist, you know.

And so I got I bought like the markers and the pen and the paints and the things, and I'm I'm just terrible, terrible.

I sit in my room and I and then I crumple it up and I'm like that is awful and I throw it away.

What are you doing?

And what kind of art?

What do you mean?

Market?

I want to well.

I saw this woman on TikTok who is so incredible what she can draw, and she and I said what do I messaged her right the total stranger.

I said, what do you use?

She told me the pens and they say, do you have any advice?

Because I would love to draw like you?

And she said just start.

So I was like, oh shit.

So I went and I got it, and I am just I'm so bad at it.

But I look at the well, I thank you, but it's real.

It's not coming out the way I want to do it, you know, And that's because you've.

Never done it before and you're over forty.

You got to keep at it, I guess so, but I've got in my head and then the execution is just yeah.

But you'll get there.

You have to even you're not just going to start doing something and be amazing at it.

That's how it should be.

That's what I want to think about that, you know what I mean.

If that we're life, then we'd all just be doing whatever the fuck we wanted all the time.

You have to put in the time to get the results.

Yes, you're true, So don't give up on yourself yet.

Okay.

But but to Heather's point, like it's it is frustrated this art that I love, I do find it also very frustrating.

So I was relating to to Heather when she was talking about drag and I just think, but if you want to love it to your point, you got it.

That's how I feel about Spanish.

It's so frustrating to me that it's taken me so long to become like fluent fluent, but I love it.

I'm not gonna quit and I'm not there yet.

And I have to always go You're learning, like even when I fuck up or I'm taking a test and I'm like, oh I got eight answers wrong out of twenty.

Fuck at least, I like you learn something with every mistake.

Okay, So like.

We're gonna make sure we give you the T O and T in Spanish because it comes.

Out in Spanish Spanish esperrlo.

I actually wrote the forward.

We translated it as well, and I read the audio in Spanish and he does the English version.

Oh nice, so and T.

I'll send you a picture to I'll draw you.

Oh my god, your workers, workers, they're good markers to Catherine.

Do we have a time for another call?

Or what's our story?

Your mark We can take a break and I have one more question.

All right, we'll take a break and we'll be right back and we're back with c O and te O.

Remind me to send Ross and new magic markers set for his for his journey.

And I'm going to use markers in my Spanish my Spanish workbook.

Also tend you these markers.

They're beautiful markers, they have a.

Great markers, are thick markers.

Yes, it's about how you angle your hand.

There's a fine yes.

Well, our last question comes from Cassidy.

This is just an email, she says, Dear Chelsea, I have been with my girlfriend for a year.

In gay fashion, we often talk about the future marriage and what to burn in case of sudden death.

For the last few months, she's told me.

For her birthday, she wanted to tell her family about me.

She has four sisters.

One I know and is fully supportive, and the second is deeply Catholic and not a factor we care about.

The other two, however, are a different story.

She told her youngest first, which was easy.

She was curious, supportive, and kind.

Then she told the oldest.

After a long silence.

She asked that their parents not be told, since her mom is quote a worrier.

My girlfriend's plan is to bring me around as her quote friend.

I declined this option.

She deeply needs her older sister's approval for most things in her life, which is my main concern.

I am, in other people's words, fiercely independent.

Admitting these recent events maybe incredibly sad.

It was difficult, she swears, it's not if, but when I want to be with her?

But how do I feel better about this?

The reasoning seems trivial and like it's not her decision but her sister's.

What else will be up to her sister in the future.

For context, she's thirty seven and I'm thirty two.

She's never brought someone home and they weren't aware she's gay.

I get it coming out as hard, But why am I so sad about it?

I'm writing this on my couch as she's at dinner with her family, the one she planned on bringing me to as her girlfriend.

Am I catastrophizing this, Cassidy?

Yeah, you are catastrophizing it a little bit.

I think I think that you should just because this happened, A you don't have to go to be with her family as a friend.

You don't have to do that.

Like I get that, But like assuming that her sister's going to make every important decision in her life is not true.

Like, just because her sister gave her this answer, you didn't like that answer, it's unfair to you.

It's not ideal.

It doesn't mean that's the way the rest of your life is going to go.

This is a very important decision for your girlfriend too, and it's going to weigh on her.

I'm sure at some point that she has to get her sister's approval for almost everything, and she's going to start to consider is she willing to go through life like that?

She can't live a lie.

So while I would stand your boundaries and not participate and be pretending to be her friend when you're more than that, I get that.

I wouldn't do that either.

I don't think you have to like throw in the towel and think, oh my god, her sister's going to be the arbiter of our relationship.

I disagree you do, I do?

I think.

I just think if my very existence is an issue that you're going to let your sister dictate, then we have a real problem here.

It would be a deal breaker.

Your sister is going to tell you to tell the world that I'm your friend.

I would like to simply exist in your world as your partner, and if that can't happen, then that's that's you making that decision, not me.

Are with that?

Do you agree with that too?

Because it's you know, you have to be authentic, you have to be your self, and the fact that she's not allowing her to even be part of the picture, it's problematic.

I don't think it's too much to ask to be exists and acknowledge that you exist.

Well, it's also it's it's yeah, it's hard when it's your when it's your own sister that you look up to, kind of saying, like, her sister knows she's gay, so there's not a lie there, Like she knows she's gay, she's just telling her to move the thing.

So that's that's where the problem comes in.

She's not but she's not living a lie.

She's just not allowed to live out loud, is what we're saying.

Don't you think that that is simple human decency?

Right?

I hear?

Maybe it's because you know, we spent a lot of time when I started on television, it was back in two thousand and one, and there was a lot of fighting for equality and insisting on equality and we matter and and and that was important.

I no longer have that fight within me I have If you don't want to give me equality, God bless I.

Just yeah, right, right right, I'm not going to.

Fight you for that.

Right.

So the fact that she's now having to fight to be recognized is exhausting to me, and I would tap out of that fight.

Okay, that's fair.

Well, I mean, yeah, where we're gonna say, you know, just yeah, personal dignity, that's right, it's not.

I mean, for somebody to put you on mute is not a good feeling.

But I agree with you that, like you know, she's sisters probably won't be the one, you know, making all those decisions.

No, but she's letter to make this decision.

But this is a big one.

But right, but she's just stand her ground and say no, I'm coming, I'm climbing to the stupid party or whatever.

Yes, correct, I think this could be Oh that's a quick point.

Yes, smart, this is rather than being a red flag deal break or bibitch, this could be a No.

I think this would make you better, me better, sister better, mom better, and I'm gonna get to a better place.

Yeah that's good.

See why he's better than me?

I do.

I we walked in.

Okay, well there you go.

There you have it.

My advice was wrong.

I think there's what was right.

I am reconsidered.

No, no, no, I think you're right.

You guys are right.

I didn't think you were wrong, but I just I felt.

Your neck crane as soon as I started talking I'm like, what's his problem?

Now?

I know?

Really, I just say it is a pet peeve of mine.

It is like, I just know I had family members tell me to tone it down or something.

Perfectly, and I think that's beautiful.

You actually, I mean you said it.

You're right.

Nobody shouldn't exist and should be denied.

Especially now.

It's like, come on, this fight has already happened.

Yeah, we already argued this out.

It's already been litigated.

It's exhausting that people want to take it back.

So anyway, send a copy of this to her sister.

I love you.

Send her a link so her sister can listen to this and realize that she's being inappropriate and she needs to let her sister live out loud.

And also, Mom lives in this world.

Even though she's a worrier.

She's not a bunker.

She's fine.

Fine.

My parents were, you know, very Catholic as well.

And they're all fine, and they're all fine.

Everyone survives.

And then I married the.

Make it Fine and his dad spent the weekend at our house and we were in the pool.

We love each other.

We've actually never had the discussion of, uh, we're gay, kind of thing.

It's just like this, yeah, or.

Maybe he doesn't know.

He doesn't know.

Whatever it works, I'm fine with it.

Okay.

And that's your episode of to Your Chelsea for the week.

Everybody.

Thank you callers, thank you listeners.

We'll see you next week.

Thank you Ross, thank you Wellington.

What a pleasure.

I love you.

I love you guys.

The word of the week is grammarian noun a specialist or expert in grammar.

Grammarian.

Chelsea is known to be something of a grammarian, which is why we do this segment Grammarian.

I just announced all my tour dates.

It's called the High and Mighty Tour.

I will be touring from February through June, So go get your tickets now if you want good seats and you want to come see me perform, I will be on the High and Mighty Tour.

Do you want advice from Chelsea?

Right into Dear Chelsea Podcast at gmail dot com.

Find full video episodes of Dear Chelsea on YouTube by searching at Dear Chelsea Pod.

Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine law And be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com