And we are back with Robin Reiser.

Listen.

Part one was so good and I think we left off in a great spot, but I just didn't want anybody to feel like and then you lived happily ever after and rehab was great, and like, that's not how it went down, So tell us how it went down.

I mean I was super angry, and rehab the first week was a what they call evel where they basically and this was tough love at that time, like they really were.

They weren't.

Nobody was trauma informed or anything like.

Nobody tried to be nice to you through this, and so they were just like if I cried, they they were like, you're not crying, You're if you They were just like the whole time everything you said, they were like, you are so full of shit everything we said.

And then they also the counselor read my diary out loud to the group.

It was, I mean, not the whole thing, but just like a passage, and I was like, this that would never happen.

Now you could, that would never happen.

But yeah, I was really pissed.

And it wasn't nice to you because that seems so counterintuitive.

Yeah, nobody was nice to me until I got to the unit, and I had tried really hard to convince them that I had schizophrenia.

I was convinced that I had schizophrenia.

So when they didn't put me on a unit for a dual diagnosis, so I was only going for chemical dependency and not for mental illness too, I really argued with them.

I was like, you need to put me on meds.

I need I need psychiatric drugs.

I need something to stop my hallucinations.

And they're like, how many hallucinations have you had since you've been here?

And I was like none, And they're like, do you do you think perhaps your hallucinations have more to do with the drugs you're doing, you know, the psychedelics that you're doing, than you being actually schizophrenic.

And I was like, I don't think so.

Like Ellis d would never do that to me.

She's my friend, Like she would never make monsters come out of the wall and attack me, like anyway.

So when I finally got to the unit, the counselor, this one counselor, Bob, sat me down in his office and he talked to me with such tenderness and empathy that I couldn't believe anybody was being so kind like it was after I mean, I was in trouble, you know, I was in trouble.

I was a bad kid.

I'd broken all the rules.

I had lied to my parents.

I had done everything wrong that I wasn't supposed to do.

I had ruined everything.

And I was in a rehab where they were treated me like shit and I was like a criminal.

And then I go in and there's this counselor and he's like he just was so so compassionate and kind, and I just it, like it just broke me down, like I just and he wasn't at all judgmental about doing drugs at all, Like he talked to me.

He talked about drugs, and he had a conversation with me about drugs like a drug like somebody who also likes drugs, which was important to me because it's important as I mean, it's one of the reasons why the only thing that helps alcoholics or people with a chemical dependency is other people with those problems, because you have to know what it feels like in order to really help a person.

We don't want to be judged and we don't want to be told in an intellectual way.

What we need we need to be told from somebody who's been there.

And all of the counselors in my rehab were all sober addicts and alcoholics, which is really significant.

And that counselor worked hard on me to get me to see the connection between my consequences and my alcoholism, like the drinking and the drugs.

Like he kept very patiently week after week.

He would have me write and write like, these are the consequences, this is what happened.

What are all the bad things that happened in the last few years, everything, Write it all down, and like do you see how that is because you were drinking?

Do you see that?

That is because you you couldn't stop doing drugs?

Like you do see that?

And I could not really see it.

I mean that's amazing, like from somebody who's not in that position to be like duh uh, you know, of course, but I could not really make the connection.

And then you were asking me to tell this part about how it like it's like it's slowly dawned on me, like he just kept saying it.

And also other people had to do that themselves too, So I watched my peers go through this experience and being like, yeah, the reason why you crashed a car and hit a kid on a bike is because you were a drunk idiot and they'd like not see it, so you knew like you were just as stupid.

And it just like slowly dawned on me in this one session, and it felt like this guy like like like lifted up like a garage door, you know, like a big warehouse door, and suddenly all this light just came flooding in at me, and I was like, oh, I'm that's the reason like all these things happened.

Like I could see everything everything with the like stupid shit with the boys and all my behavior and every little every little thing was just a domino effect from my having to commit how committed I was to doing drugs and alcohol and like how much I had to do it.

And it was like after that I saw like I am powerless and that is why this has all happened.

Like I could see my powerlessness and I could see that I was that I had no choice, Like I had no choice, but if I wanted to have any kind of a life that I that wasn't just full of pain and sorrow, that I had to stop.

And that's I wonder did you I feel like as a teenager, was there a part of you if you remember, it was like, but how come I have to be here?

But like all my other friends drank and use drugs the same way I did?

Like why me?

Because I feel I feel like it would be very hard to accept that you are, you know whatever, biologically chemically different than some of your friends.

And that's not to say that some of your friends didn't end up having ann action, but right, but I just it is like I remember thinking that even as a kid myself of just like why am I the one who has such a bad hangover?

Like all my friends were drinking?

How I was?

Yeah, I always felt like that, but I felt like that, right, I felt like that wall it was happening too, Like why am I the one that's smoking pot and being you know and going into like becoming psycho and hallucinating?

Why am I the one that can't handle anything?

Why am I the one that's being victimized?

Why why is it me?

Like I had already come so far in my like feeling like why me?

That, like then being like told, yeah, this is why, you you know, like they're not the same and it sucks, like but it also became like like all that work on acceptance, you know, then became the work on like accepting, Well, this is the this is the deal, right, like kind of in the scheme of things.

If you're gonna get a chronic illness, this is not a bad one to have, Like you're here, you can treat it, and you the only thing you have to do is stay sober and you know, be active in a twelve step program.

That's not that bad of a prognosis for your life, right.

And then the other thing that they because I was like, how am I ever going to go to prom if I'm not going to drink and do cocaine?

It's just like.

Which nobody does that?

Nobody's sober and not on coke at the prom?

Was like what?

And they're like, we all do that at whatever age you get sober?

You how are you going to go on my honeymoon?

And you know how gonna And then your person who helps you in your program goes, are you going on your honeymoon today?

Today?

Right now?

How long were you?

How long was your rehab stay?

My rehabs day was thirty five days that's it.

And then I went to a halfway house for four months after that in Minnesota.

In Minnesota though, Yeah, I lived in Minnesota, and I lived in a house with a bunch of other addicts, and I had therapy in the house and group in the house, and I went and took the school bus to a high school in Minnesota.

Wow.

With the other with the others.

There was there was like it was sixteen to twenty five in that house.

Oh so I was one of the younger people.

Okay, so that's like almost six months altogether, five and a half months.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, say yeah, yeah, yeah.

That you were gone.

Yeah okay, but tell me also about before we before we finish rehab.

But like there were some parent days.

There were oh my god, the parent days were so bad.

I mean parent week was hell.

It was like a horsh It was a horror movie.

It's just a hard I'm like, it's like, yeah, you spend all this time growing and changing, and you want like your parents to be like I see that you've grown and changed and now I love you and I know it hurt.

But instead they come in with their own pain and their own desire to show you and teach you a lesson, and who can blame them?

And so the whole thing.

Even though they try to make it fair and they try to be like, well, tell us about how your parents could have done better, it doesn't matter because it's still like, yeah, but you were the you're the It's so funny because like in that family dynamic thing that we learn about, where you have like the alcoholic and the alcoholic family, there's an alcoholic and the escapegoat and the hero and all these different roles.

If you're the alcoholic while you're active, as long as you're active, you're like all you're focused on is maintaining your addiction and maintaining your what you that's your focus like is to is to get drugs and alcohol, to get drunk, to get wasted, to keep it, keep keep that cycle going.

You don't think about everybody else.

But as soon as you're clean and you're all you have no tools and you're completely raw and you have like no ability to escape reality anymore.

They're like, here are our feelings, and it's just like you're being attacked with darts, you know, it's just like here are our heart, our feelings, and how you how you ruined everything and how you know, it's like it's like you have to accept it, like it's part of what's kept me sober, is like that I never want to put anybody through like that's what I did.

That's what I did when I was just hurting myself.

Is I hurt people that much when I was just hurting myself?

You know?

And so, but did.

You did you also feel a little bit like I'm not trying to let you off the hook, but I'm saying, like, did you feel a little bit like but you didn't even know any of that until you read my diary?

Yeah?

Yeah, you guys were fine, right, You guys didn't even know well, I mean yeah, I was good at like do you guys?

Let's clear one thing up.

I had you guys snowed, right, Okay, right, don't be all, oh we were worried about you had no idea, You had no idea what was going on.

Yeah, totally okay.

But so now you're you're presented with all of this, like, oh my god, you really hurt us, and you feel like shit.

You probably had to have some therapy to deal with when they left.

Oh my god, I mean it just was like it's such a long it's a recovery.

It's just a process, you know, It's just.

Were you upset that they made you go to the halfway house?

Was there any part of you that was like, why are you keeping me away?

No?

You were glad.

Oh I never wanted to go back.

Oh I never wanted to go back.

I was so scared of leaving rehab.

I like if they had been like, would you like to stay here, Like we'll give you a job and you could just stay here, I would have been like, yep.

Like I got real high functioning in the rehab, Like I knew how to do all the things.

I knew all the rules, I knew my jobs, I knew everybody's name.

I you know, I had that place dialed, you know.

And I did not want to leave, and I felt very safe there and I could not even fathom going home yet.

So I had to go to the next safe place, which was the halfway house.

So then what happened.

So then you're at this halfway house, You're going to school in Minnesota with regular people, Yeah, yeah, like high school.

No.

But I tried to get everybody.

I I found all the stoners and tried to I was like a missionary.

Yeah, I was a mission I was like, you guys have prov Yeah.

I was just like, have you have you heard about the Twelve Steps?

Yeah?

I was.

Have you heard the good news about the Bob Wilson.

They were just like, uh, dude.

What I would I would imagine, because you know, this is how I would have been, since I was like this is my thirties at the improv.

I would have just been like, oh my god, you're from the rehab, your rehab lived, you actually live in New York, but you're like sober.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh.

There was other things too, like they were Minnesota kids.

They were so sweet and I had no filter anymore.

So I remember like I would have anxiety attacks and I would curse and stuff, and they would people were like who is she?

And then someone's say she's from New York and they'd be like, oh, okay, okay.

Like I just like flip out and tell and be like oh, I'd have to go walk the hallways and like be just cursing and muttering under my breath.

I was such a weirdo.

But yeah, oh my god, it's weirdo from New York.

Okay, so you get back.

You just they said, you were on a plane.

Did your parents come get you and escort you back, or they're just like waiting for you at the airport, Like.

I believe they just waited for me at the air They were really tired of spending money on me.

They were really it's like college.

It was so I mean, I'm sure that I know that someone was taken care of through insurance, but the fact that probably the fact that I was like, and I want to keep going.

They were like, no, no.

No, you're fine.

You seem so much better.

You're it's great.

But yeah, and then I didn't want to return to my high school, so they had to send me to a private school.

Oh, which, by the way, I should let all the parents know that if you have a kid in public school and they cannot safely return to their public school that public school needs they can.

Your parents can prove that the public school cannot provide safety for them, and they can, they will pay The state will pay for your kids to go to private school.

So just as an FYI, my parents could have saved some money had we known that.

But yeah, I could not return to my public school.

I would have had to have come out though, with the gory details of the ways in which the students there hurt me, And I think that that would have been too hard for me at that time.

So it is what it is.

But I went to a private school far away, oh really like and I had to take a train there.

Yeah.

Yeah, like like a forty minute train right away.

So at this point, are you like a junior in high school a senior.

I was a junior.

I was a junior, had another two years to go.

Yep, So this happened.

This whole thing happened.

You were only like a sophomore in high school.

I was a junior in high school.

Okay, I missed like half a junior year.

Okay, So then you did the rest of junior year at this private school and then senior year.

And can you tell me a little bit about like what you know that afterwards?

Like having to be sober as a young girl, it was how did it stay?

The thing?

I had to find community.

I had to find other sober young people, and I did that through they have meetings just for young people in various twelve step programs, and that was how I found community.

I was terrified of I had no social skills anymore.

I didn't know how to like go up and say hello to people or it was so raw, and I was so scared, and I was so lonely and desperate, and I luckily, you know, there were young people at the meeting that I went to, and I had this one girl who looked like a freak, like a punk, like a freak with like a big she had a big green mohawk.

And I was a hippie and I was like, I don't associate with meth heads.

Was basically kind of my and she was just like, I'm a deadhead and I was like, no, we're not, and she's like, I've been to thirty five shows and I was like, oh, okay.

So then I like became really good friends with her.

And she basically was like, you're not going to make it if you don't start making friends, if you don't start socializing, you're not going to make it.

You cannot survive and isolate, like it's not going to work.

And I heeded that message, and I create and I learned how to you know, get along in the world and make friends and be a human without any aid from any substances.

And I even went to high school.

I mean I even went to college.

So you went to where did you go to college?

Manhattanville?

Okay in New York.

Okay, Okay, So all this time, like during that time, you're sober, No relapses, No, are there any times that you came close that you were just like I mean when you turn twenty one, were you like okay, like enough with this, Like I wasn't even a drinking age.

It's just such a unil I know, never never a illegal drink.

But I think there's literally young people's meetings called never a legal drink.

Yeah, I it's never never was like, oh I'm twenty one now I should be allowed to drink.

It's just more like it'll it catches me off guard, and I'm like, oh I wanna I just want to relax or be normal or have that like, you know, I want to just feel goof just goof off and be able to easily let go everything or just take that edge off for all those things that normal people do with a simple glass of wine.

You know, get a little rosy, get a little get a little bubble in you.

You know, I just want that.

That's the thing that attracts me.

I'm never attracted to like being obliterated or you know, even even all the drugs, well some of them sound pretty good, but like it's just like that's what That's what I think I get jealous of.

Is that kind of like that ease you know, I have to manufacture that with.

Because we have disease.

We have, yes, I have.

It doesn't work.

Here's the thing, though, when I think because I have that too, of course, you know, And yeah, having stopped way later than you, I can tell you that, you know, I spent so many years trying to have that thing that it's like a fantasy of I'm going to have a glass of wine and I'm just going to get to feel relaxed.

If what if a glass of wine made people feel feel relaxed, everybody would be having wine every single day, like through It just doesn't quite work that way.

There's a real problem finding that balance because you have people like us, and I don't care how long it's been since you've drank, you have the thing.

People like us would have a glass of wine and then we would go, Okay, I feel a little bit better.

So now what I need to do is like have a second glass to just to just make sure, just make sure I feel that I feel better.

Yeah, I'm not sure I'm feeling it yet.

So then we go to that.

And I don't want it to run out, so I need to have another.

One, or at least one filled up that I'm going to for sure sip on this one though, because I feel now, I feel pretty good, So I'm just going to yeah, I'm there, So I'm just going to keep drinking a little bit and then all of a sudden you're drunk and hungover.

Yeah, I kinds of recipes, yeah right, right, we all had our ways.

It's all finagling, like how can I fix how can I make this work for me?

Like, so that's what I'm saying, that fantasy of like this is what I what I know to be true because I did try to moderate for so long before I actually quit.

I really was just like I am going to be able to be a person who just has a glass of wine to take the edge off.

I worked really hard at it, and it did not work because I could not.

Once my brain had a little bit, it was it was doing a different thing.

It was doing the more calculations.

It was like, no, you feel good, you want to feel better, and there's no possible way that I could control it or tell myself like, no, you've had too much.

And here's what happens when you have more for me, it will always be none or all.

And yeah, it was only through sobriety that I was able to actually see that clearly in myself, and that that's how I am with a lot of things, and that I'm not happy when I'm having one.

I'm not breed cheese.

Oh my god, I can't have one.

I feel so are you telling me.

No, you eat a whole block of bree cheese.

I remember you telling me that one time and me being like Stephanie, one day you'll find the rooms.

And I'm so like, you know, it's been sixteen years for me, and oh my god, sixteen years.

Yeah, it was sixteen years in May, so like almost sixteen and a half years.

And you know I figured it out a long time ago, probably a year in that, like, oh yeah, this is where I belong.

But that thought that you have, as I think about, like if I could just have a little bit of that special feeling that alcohol gives us, I just think that for anybody listening to this, this is the goal for all of us, and for some of us, some of us listening, some of us who just love somebody who has an issue.

It's just this fantasy because I don't think that that is a real thing.

I don't think that there's a real possibility of enjoying a glass of wine and feeling a little bit like light headed and like joyful.

And I have realized if i'm if I allow myself to see it a little bit differently, that I do have those moments.

I have them all the time.

I do have moments where I feel profoundly relaxed or happy, or joyful or like spiritual, even they just they don't come from alcohol.

But I have to tell you I feel more of them sober than I ever did when I was trying to when I was doing the math all the time and trying to bargain with myself.

I don't remember too many times of being like, oh my god, this is so perfect.

I feel so perfect right now.

But I can tell you I have moments like that a lot with no olf.

Very true, I one hundred percent agree, one hundred percent yes.

Especially if I'm like having a dental procedure and I'm having like nitrous oxide, Like that's right, I'm just kidding.

No, I'm just saying I do.

I have, But don't you ever notice?

And you're just like, oh my god, I feel so happy right now.

I'm doing something.

I'm doing And the thing is that you then it's just a genuine, true feeling, and it's it's from your own self, you know.

And that and and trying to ignore life or avoid life is like now from my advantage point, I can't believe that I would ever want to avoid it, you know, like my I lost my dad last year, and I can't imagine like wanting to escape my grief because like trying to avoid grief even though that was like it's like my biggest fear.

And I was like, but I i'd want to feel the loss like I want now.

I want to live as a person and have all the colors and emotions and not just run away and have one, you know, the one goal, the fantasy, like just fantasize like I can feel this way and get there.

I love that you said that it's a fantasy that we're never gonna achieve, because I don't remember really it was.

It's yeah, very fleeting when you have it like that.

And I think that people think that, oh, well, if you're feeling pain or grief and you have some alcohol, that that will give you access to it.

But it doesn't.

I think that's a fantasy too.

You might cry and act really emotional about it, but I don't.

I think that's different than actually feeling real feelings about it.

Yeah, we all cried when we were drunk.

Crying is not it's not real.

Cry, or we'd all just be hammered in therapy.

You know, I love you so much.

Your therapist would be like, I feel like you made some really good connections, like last week in our session.

You'd be like, oh my god, I hope you wrote them down because I don't.

Remember because I don't remember them.

I don't remember them at all.

Oh my gosh.

So okay, let's wrap, But like, before you go, do you have any any advice And I know we kind of started off yesterday's episode this way, but do you have any advice for parents in recognizing signs in their kids that their kids drinking is not like other kids drinking.

If not, that's okay, I'm not like, No.

I think this is what I would say about it, is that if there was anything that my parents could have done differently is that they really made a hard line between what I was allowed to do, and they did it really early on, so it was like, absolutely, they were so out of touch about drugs, they were so out of touch with my life.

It became really easy to lie to them.

And my mom started getting suspicious because moms are pretty instinctual.

But I would use the fact that my dad was more of a soft touch.

I would put them against each other.

And I think that if your kid, I think that if anyone is suspicious, you should really look into that.

If somebody is getting if you're suspicious, then look into it.

And then.

You know.

I I like, again, it's like when do you When is the right time for rehab, When is the right time for intervention.

It's gonna vary, and it's from person to person.

And I just happen to be on the receiving end of a lot of drama really fast.

But I do think that a lot of kids don't continue on that way.

But I think that being open and honest about it is probably the best thing.

Like we see you're doing this.

If you find it to be hard or bad, like please talk to us, like, you're not going to get in trouble.

We're not gonna I think that that's the best thing to be, that compassionate person.

Yeah, that's I mean.

I again, I don't have a kid at that place, so but I worry about it all the time.

He has two alcoholic parents.

I'm like, dude, you're set up for success.

Yeah.

Yeah, well I know my kids have one, but I'm still I got my eye on them.

You know, it has been so good.

Where can we find you your writing?

I know you're working on a book and I'm hoping it sells soon because I'm the first person to buy it.

But you're you're.

Sending that out right now?

Do you have a substock?

Do you have like, let's get some Instagram followers.

I don't have a sub sac I'm at Robin Riser on all the things, Robin Reiser R O B I N R E I S E R.

I have some writing out there.

I have.

Yeah, I have a what is it called medium that I haven't been to in a long time.

So you do, okay?

Medium dot com is that's just under your name?

Yeah?

Okay?

And yeah, and if you're in Connecticut, I've been writing and performing and plays in Connecticut.

That's so having a blast.

So yeah, yeah, So hopefully this book will come out soon.

It's it's it's a it's a new way.

I think it's a new a new story of this story.

But like it's not told this way yet, not been told this way yet.

Yes, your your perspective because it'll be a while till it comes out, but is through yourself as a sixteen year old, and it is so good.

Oh my god, you guys.

My sixteen year old self has a lot to say about things.

Yes, yes, yes, she wrote the book.

The adult Robin looking back at Herself was not a good book, but the sixteen year old Robin telling her story that was the book.

I love it, love it.

Okay, thanks, thanks again, thanks for sharing your story.

I love you.

You're doing this Okay, bye bye bye?

Lie is good?

Is good?

Is good?

Good?

My god,