Emily Cave Boit (00:00:00):

Welcome to episode 19 of You Are More with Emily Cave Boit. I have been so excited to have this special guest on the show. His story is honestly an incredible journey and one that has personally impacted me through his song lyrics actually, and led me to find the courage to date again and eventually find Colin. So I actually texted Colin before recording this and I was like, this is such a full circle moment, having the one and only Forest Blakk on today's episode of you are more. And yeah, just excited for you guys to hear more of his journey. Hello. Hello, hello. Thank you so much for coming on the episode. Honestly, I've been looking so forward to recording with you Forest, and hearing more about your story. You touched my life in so many ways and still up to this day I'm so excited to also dive into that a little bit more, but excited to have a good old Canadian boy on the podcast.

Forest Blakk (00:01:27):

This podcast is CanCon, so that's

Emily Cave Boit (00:01:29):

Great. Yeah. And yeah, I hear a little bit more about you. I know you were super busy. You just got back from touring for a few days with James Blunt, so thanks for taking the time to chat and yak say to dive in.

Forest Blakk (00:01:43):

Yeah, I'm excited too. It's nice to hear a Canadian accent.

Emily Cave Boit (00:01:46):

I know we should count how many a's are going to be in this.

Forest Blakk (00:01:49):

Mine are reserved. They're hidden. They're hidden behind me. I could feel them, but I'm like, oh no.

Emily Cave Boit (00:01:56):

Okay. I like even text a I am a full on air.

Forest Blakk (00:02:01):

You're an he.

Emily Cave Boit (00:02:02):

Yeah. Yeah,

Forest Blakk (00:02:03):

I love that.

Emily Cave Boit (00:02:04):

Yeah, I'm very much yeah, about the a's.

Forest Blakk (00:02:08):

I love that support it.

Emily Cave Boit (00:02:10):

But yeah, obviously you are an incredible artist. Everyone knows you for some of your amazing songs. One in particular that touched my life and changed my grief journey quite a bit is If You love her. But before all of that, before Forst was an artist and touring with James Blunt, there was just who you were, right? And kind of growing up as a kid and a good old Canadian boy, as I said. But I know you have been pretty open about your childhood and past struggles and mental health. So take us back to Young Forest to what got you here today.

Forest Blakk (00:02:55):

Yeah, I feel like that's going to be a nine and a half hour podcast just to start the first year. It's like, yeah, I mean, first of all, thanks for the kind words. I appreciate that. It definitely feels weird being here. It definitely feels weird because I think what most people don't really know is that you as a person, you don't change. You're just your world. It changes. So exterior changes, but the bones of the house that you've built for your life are the same. And so what got me here and what that looks like, and for me, it's kind of ever present. Like I said, the bones of my life, of my house, of my world, I exist within them. And so it's just, yeah, the outside walls have been painted up and they look different over the years. And so I think the starting point, the inception of where everything was built was just chaos.

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It was like, I think a lot of people like me, when you're born into something that you're born into, it's not a choice. It's not like I was looking at life one day going, what bad choices could I make to ruin life? It was that literally the stage was set and it's been this kind of ever-growing, ever clawing through it, trying to figure it out. And then while also trying to become the best version of myself, even though the inception of my life started in such a negative place. So to the starting point, it's being from Montreal born of a mother who's from a poor Irish upbringing and being a kid when she had me to not knowing what to do at such a young age, and I can't even imagine what that was like for her to then going through a divorce at such a young age and then meeting a gangster and having the allure of money in life facing her. And then here she is single with a kid, with a small child meeting a person who's making money and that experience, and then that changes and all of a sudden more kids are in the mix, and then there's gangs and violence and prisons and moving and just all this terrible behavior. And then I'm just kind of at the core of it, me, this kid trying to grow up.

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A lot of times I spend just kind of staring at the wall now going, what is this? How did this get to this? What's this look like? How do I tell this story? What is the story? Do I tell it? Should I tell it? I think anybody out there who's gone through anything, I think sits in that quite a bit where you're like, what do I do with all of this? For lack of better words like shit, what do I do? Do I sit here and feel bad for myself? Do I grieve? Do I heal? Do I talk about it? Do I shut down? That's kind of the biggest conversation in my head a lot of the times. Do I want to talk about it and be persecuted for what I talk about or do I want to shut down and be insular and be self-destructive because I'm hiding from what I feel?

Emily Cave Boit (00:06:12):

I feel like it's finding a balance of sharing your truth and your honesty and your story, but even I get it even for my Instagrams or, but Colby also that feeling of being too exposed too. And you're trying, there's still that trauma instinct in you or that pain in you that you want to put it out there like you're saying, and you want to heal and you want to share. But there's always that little bit, and I think maybe there probably always will be that little bit of fear and other emotions of sharing your truth really. So yeah, I can imagine, especially as you've grown, finding that balance must've been very difficult.

Forest Blakk (00:07:04):

It continues to be difficult. I mean, a lot of my life right now, I've had all my dreams in a sense come true. I've done what is impossible. I always tell my friends and my wife and my family, if I died today, I did it. I did it. I don't know how far this is supposed to go, but I did it. I got this far, and that's kind of impossible for people like me. Normally people like me don't get too far. So I'm really happy and proud of that. But again, you don't lose the bones of what got you here,

(00:07:39):

And you have to face that at all times. And I'm grateful for all the successes and cool things that have happened, but now I realized that I guess I thought that something would change if I got there. I thought if I had plaques on the wall or songs on the radio and people knew me, that maybe that would make me feel a certain way, maybe that would give me the validation I was looking for and the acceptance that I never got, and actually the opposite has happened. I couldn't feel further from it. At some point I realized that plaque on the wall that goes, yeah, you did. It actually doesn't represent me. It represents the people that were willing to take it on you who you took my song and it's been added to your life story. It's not about me, it's about you. You don't hear it and think of me. You hear it and think of somebody else,

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And

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That's really special. And that's that representative. So that didn't cure me of this feeling of like, oh, maybe I'll be good enough one day. And I think what's been happening in my life is now I'm deconstructing that. And as an artist, the new evolution is, well then what do I actually want to say? What do I want to talk about? And part of that has been this new journey of trying to tell my life's truth and the music that's going to come has that in it where I'm going, well, you have no family. And there's these pains and struggles and aches that exist that I don't talk about, and the fear of persecution that has held me back. And then that's led to a whole other myriad of things. I did a podcast in Toronto a year and a bit ago, and I put a clip online and it went viral, and it's a snippet. The snippet starts by me saying, my father ruined my life.

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He ruined my brother's life. He robbed my sister of a lot of her spark, robbed my mom of the same thing, and I had to watch the internet run with it. They never watched the podcast. I never listened to it. They took a 32nd clip and the comments are like, you're weak. You're, you're a wimp. A bunch of different words. And then what a loser and cry baby. And it's like, man, if you could sit in my body as that five-year-old kid getting beat and having to deal with what I've had to deal with and seeing things that you could never imagine. This isn't just your classic, which I don't take away from anyone's experience, but this isn't like, oh, I had a bad weekend with my parents.

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Or

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It was like, this is to the extreme of how bad things can be. And more often than not, people like me who are children in that don't make it out and they succumb to those atrocities and they become that environment or addicts and they fall apart. And so yeah, it's been really wild starting to try and kill back those layers to be honest, especially online when you're subject to other people's hurt. And that's the big thing I've learned from it over the past year. At first, it was for lack of better ways of saying, it just kind of felt like my dad and my stuff all over again. It felt like people on the internet were just representatives of that same anger,

Emily Cave Boit (00:11:07):

Validating his behavior.

Forest Blakk (00:11:09):

It was awful. And it was hard to see any support in that. There might be 20 really wonderful comments for every one negative, but that one, just because it pokes you in the place where you're hurt, I think anybody can get that 10 people tell you you're beautiful and one tells you that you're ugly. You're like, damn, I'm ugly.

Emily Cave Boit (00:11:31):

It's human nature, but it's so horrible. Like you said, it's human nature. I feel like to focus on that 1% out of the 99%, but I can't imagine how frustrating or difficult that was.

Forest Blakk (00:11:47):

Yeah, it's hard because I think your brain, if you're in a bad space or a rough place, your brain naturally wants to believe that about yourself anyway, too. The amount of times I wake up and I think the worst of myself, I don't need anyone on the internet to say that for me to already feel like that. And sometimes I'm just trying to make it through the day and I'm trying to just believe in myself enough to make it till tomorrow. And I don't think people realize that. And I've tried to learn that people don't know that and they don't know what's happening. And I've come to understand that those people are limited and they're obviously hurt because even though things have happened in my life, even while I'm talking to you here, I can't insult the same people that hurt me the worst in my life, I can say it's honesty and truth.

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I can say I feel bad for those people. I feel sad that that's the life that they're living and that's where they are because they're limited. They obviously haven't healed their own stuff enough to get to a place where they can have any accountability and they can have any self-awareness. So I can sit there and I have empathy and I can extend love, but I can do it all at a distance with boundaries and safety nets. Like I'm safe if anyone's going to make something derogatory or say something awful or mean, it actually has nothing to do with me.

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It's

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All about them. And I feel sad. I'm like, damn, okay. That's where you are in your life. I know. So I'm not there. And I'm just trying to learn that It's like, okay, I can't imagine what it's like being like a Justin Bieber or Lindsay Lohan taking that from millions of people all day long. I'm lucky I'm not famous like that. That's brutal.

Emily Cave Boit (00:13:36):

I literally don't know how. They must have some

Forest Blakk (00:13:39):

Breakdowns.

Emily Cave Boit (00:13:42):

Yeah, there must be some serious, serious, yeah, she cries and screams into pillows, that's for sure. Or some type of filter. Yeah, I know speaking from personal experience, I'll reread those mean comments all the time, and I get so feisty about them, and I feel like now I'm like, I still get feisty at times, but I've learned to, as what you're saying, to set boundaries and realize those people must be struggling as well. Or there's something going on in their lives that you don't know about.

Forest Blakk (00:14:23):

They take it out on the internet, not, I think when people write something into the void, they don't realize there's a real person on the other end. There's a consequence. And again, that's where that person is. It's hard. And I try to remember that too, that once I read 10 or 20 of those types of comments, now I'm feeling that same sadness or pressure or weight that maybe those people are feeling. And I have to be careful that I don't respond to one of those comments, the weight of 20 of them.

(00:14:53):

So I just don't respond to them. And I go, okay, well, that's where you're at. But it's hard. It takes practice because I'm like, I want to be like, who the hell do you think you are? And I would love for you to come sit in my world and sit in my skin and jump into the bones of the five-year-old that I was when my life was like that, or the 10-year-old or 15-year-old or 20-year-old. There's a lyric by an artist that I really love named Alexander. And he goes, say, you're my lover. Say you're my homie. Tilt my chin back my throat, take a bath in my blood, get to know me.

Emily Cave Boit (00:15:28):

Wow.

Forest Blakk (00:15:28):

And it's like so true. That's how I feel. It's like, you want to cut me up, come sit inside my body, come sit in my blood, see what I've been through and show me how you could have done things better.

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Because

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I'm also mad at parts of my life where I became the representative of all the trauma and pain.

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I'm

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Very frustrated, and as I get older and I do the work and I become more self-aware about things and chaos that I may have caused, I feel really bad and I feel guilty and ashamed and responsible, and do I not wish I could go back in time and remedy those things? Yeah, I think all of us do. Everyone's been the villain in someone else's life and everyone's been a hero. And the times in which I was a villain, I wish I could go and solve. I wish I could go back and say, Hey, man, what are you doing? And I hope other people have grace to go 10-year-old you did 10 year olds stupidities and 20-year-old, you made 20-year-old mistakes and some of you created more chaos than others. Some of you had a couple drinks too many and drove a car, and luckily no one died that night, but you still did the same thing that someone else did. So

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It's just being careful of how we point fingers and blame. And I think it's also just allowing people to grow. People like me need time to grow up. We need time to heal and we need time to do better. And I think there's a lot of people like me and a lot of people like me ended up in jail and they need time to reform. And I think at some point some of those people come out of their prisons, whether they're literal or figurative, and they also need the opportunity to be accepted and have grace and to be part of something again, to go, Hey, man, I did my time. I did reform. I am accountable and here I am, and I'm trying my best to be part of the solution rather than the problem. So again, I think like that because I wasn't always the greatest version of myself. I wasn't always writing love songs. I was breaking hearts and my own and my breaking my own spirits in life. So yeah.

Emily Cave Boit (00:17:46):

Was there a pivotal moment growing up, whether you were five or 10, I know you've talked about a few situations with your stepfather at school when you were five to when you were 10 to 15 that you were like, I want more than this. Or do you think, obviously at a young age that's harder because you are young, but was there any certain pivotal moments that you kind of were like, this isn't a normal behavior, I'm different here, and you felt that and then you wanted to more for that? Or do you feel like when you were younger you were just obviously trying to essentially stay alive and kind of keep one foot in front of the other, but as you got older over the years, was there more flip switch moment you could say?

Forest Blakk (00:18:46):

Yeah, for me, I know there's a few definitive moments where things completely flipped on me. And then the other is also true. Most of my upbringing was survival mode,

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And

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I had no clue. For me, it felt normal, but it's with hindsight now, the older I get, the more perspective I have because I at one point became the age of my parents when they had a kid, and that was weird. I had to go, okay, and there's anger and forgiveness at the same time because there's an anger towards how do you do that to a kid? I could never treat a kid the way you treated me at these ages. By the time my mom was 21, she had a three-year-old kid I could never do to a three-year-old kid what happened to me.

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So there's an anger that happens because you realize where you are mentally and you realize where you are in life and you're going, damn. Yeah. So there's a lot of survival and fight or flight that's happening. And then these pivotal moments, one of the biggest pivotal moments was when I was about 21, I wasn't a musician, I wasn't an artist necessarily. Maybe I was, but I didn't know I was at the time. And it was basically time to lean in to stepdad's business or abandon. And that's a really weird thing to do with if you're the kid of a parent who has a construction company and your whole life all is construction companies and it comes to the time you're 21 and your dad or parent or stepdad or whomever that figure is in your life goes well, and son, it's time for you to pick up the hammer. It's like, okay. And I think a lot of people follow suit in that there's a reason why a lot of hockey players kids become hockey players. There's a reason why a lot of plumbers, kids become plumbers and so on and so forth. So for me, I was born into this world and that's all I knew. So that pivotal moment happened when I was like, pick up the hammer, so to speak, except in my life it wasn't a hammer else.

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And I went, that doesn't really feel like who I am. I don't want to inflict harm on people like that. And my heart wasn't like that.

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I wasn't like a sociopath or a narcissist or anything like that. And so I was like, I just want I affirmation from my stepdad, I just want to be told I'm a good kid and that you're proud of me. And that was a carrot that was dangled my whole life, and I didn't know that at the time. And so nevertheless, I made a decision at 21 to grab a flight overnight and fly to the west coast of Canada and start a new life. And it was scary and hard because I had one whole life, this whole upbringing that none of that counts. It's not built in a way that you can live and be normal. Everything you see and everything you do is through that lens. It was basically coming out of prison with only prison rules and knowledge at my disposal, and I had to learn how to become a normal human being. And I'm ashamed to say that it took me a long time.

Emily Cave Boit (00:22:20):

Do you think looking back that there was whether it was a teacher or a friend that you made that a parent or something that you saw, maybe their, I don't even know if this is their love or their care or something for you during that time that you look back now and you are so grateful for whether it was a small action or someone checking in on you or just witnessing something else that you were like, I want that too, if that makes sense.

Forest Blakk (00:22:57):

Yeah. I don't think at the time I understood what that looked like for me, to be honest. And it had the opposite effect. If I felt love, I pushed away. I felt like I wasn't good enough to be loved. So when I was younger, every time someone tried to present love, I took that as abandonment. And so it had the opposite impact. And I found that when I was younger, when someone was showing that they could love me, I inadvertently made choices in my life to make it so that if they took that love back, I could feel like I wasn't worthy it in the first place.

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So yeah, it kind of was the opposite. Yeah, it was a lack thereof for me for most of my adult life, pretty much up until meeting my wife. When I met my wife, I had done so much work to get to that point that I think it was the first time I was ready to be love and I was really ready to love. I really had this desire to love. I had this desire to accept and to be accepted. And so my view was changing and I'd done a lot of therapy and a lot of work to figure out what had gone wrong, where did I go wrong so many times in my past because I picked the wrong people to love and got hurt so fast. And then I picked the wrong people to love because I was afraid of those people. And so when I was younger, again, if somebody was like, oh man, I really love you, I would run out of the relationship as fast as I could because again, I don't think I could accept them leaving me unless I was wrong for something. And I could go, okay, I can accept that you can hate me for that, and I'm not worthy of your love, but that's my whole childhood.

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It's that cliche, hurt people, hurt people. So I was definitely hurt and constantly preparing to be hurt.

Emily Cave Boit (00:25:14):

Do you think in your therapy and where you are today, obviously those experience have shaped you into the artist that you are, like everything as you're saying,

Forest Blakk (00:25:27):

Oh my god, yeah,

Emily Cave Boit (00:25:28):

Is the bones, but looking at all those experiences that shaped you into the artist, would you want anything? I mean, people ask me this all the time, would I change anything? And we were kind of talking about this a little bit earlier, but even knowing the outcome and knowing everything that happened, I wouldn't change a thing. And knowing all the pain and knowing all the trauma, would you, looking at those experiences, who shaped you into the person today? Would you want to know or would you want to change or have you even thought about that? Or is it kind of like me and go back and forth?

Forest Blakk (00:26:14):

Yeah, there's a lot of back and forth. To be honest. Sometimes I wish my mom didn't have me. That's what I would've changed.

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I wish she made different choices. I wish she had a life of her own and I wish that she got to grow up and feel what it was to be human, to be an adult and a child who grew up in a healthy environment. She got married when she was 16 and then had me by the time she was 18, so her whole life was altered. But then it's hard because I go out into the world and I hear how my music has impacted people or how a spoken word about suicide has impacted people. And people will come up to me and tell me really honest things and say, well, man, I discovered something you made and you don't understand this. But that shaped my life. I was on a very bad trajectory and I was going to take my life. This found me at the right time, and I lived sometimes really hard because even though I understand how important that is to somebody, and I'm so grateful that they found that and that their life is here, and I love that. It doesn't always make me feel,

Emily Cave Boit (00:27:27):

It doesn't take away your pain,

Forest Blakk (00:27:28):

Anything. I know, it's so weird to say that and I'm processing it still trying to figure out what to do with that because I didn't set out to be accountable for the people. I never wanted to be someone's hero. If anything, I was just trying to take care of my own life and not try to die and

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Try

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And thrive. So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place sometimes because do I wish things were different? Yeah, I wish people weren't hurt because of me, that's for sure. And I would take that all back. Nothing that I've found in success has made me feel any better about that. Nothing about my self-awareness has made me feel better about that. I think the curse of doing the work is that you become accountable and then you have to acknowledge like, yeah, man, I have my own birthplaces of those pains. But I understand that regardless of where it comes from, I'm accountable for me and my actions. So yeah, I wish that I didn't have any of that stuff because where I am and success doesn't distract or detract from anyone else's feelings

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Along the way. And all I can do is hope that I represent myself and I represent my story and I represent my journey, and I really represent any pain I've ever caused anybody else in a way that shows that I do feel that, and I do think about it, and I am remorseful for the things I should be remorseful for, and I honor the things that I should honor. And I'm really grateful that I'm here today and I made it through and I'm proud of the person I am, and I'm sad for the person at times. I'm sad for the person I was at times. That's what I'm going to say. So it's tough. I could definitely do this without having had to have had those pains. The five-year-old me doesn't need the welts on his body for records on the wall, definitely I'm grateful I got through it, but I could have gone

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Without,

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But its tough. I don't know, would I be better or would I be worse? And that's a whole other question. If I became a worse version of myself without having had the worst things happen to me, then I would say I don't want this to change.

Emily Cave Boit (00:30:05):

So

Forest Blakk (00:30:06):

I don't know.

Emily Cave Boit (00:30:06):

I agree. I feel like, and it changes per day. Per day. Yeah. It actually changes per hour

Forest Blakk (00:30:12):

A minute and yeah, it's rough.

Emily Cave Boit (00:30:14):

It's like, okay, I am yeah, grateful for everything that I have grown in this journey. And then the other time it's like, I don't want to be on this journey. I was like, I don't want to be in this position. So yeah, the back and forth is just a constant. But you had posted in one of your song lyrics, it talks about just living one more day and being here one more day and being so vocal about mental health. What do those lyrics, I can talk about what that means to me and you can talk about what it means to so many other people. What do you think that lyric means to you? Much, sir? And what do you think that lyric means to your wife?

Forest Blakk (00:31:04):

Wow. Yeah. I mean that one's from nobody knows. No one knows how close I was. I had one foot on the edge. I almost gave up on myself. Hell, I was hanging by a thread. It doesn't mean I'm in the clear or that I made it out unscathed. What I'm really trying to say is stay for one more day, then one more day, then one more day.

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For me, it's just honest. Even writing that whole song, I remember I had the chorus and because that was easy to be honest about the course, no one knows I'm smiling but I'm breaking. No one knows. I say that I'm fine, but I'm faking. Everything's pretty easy to say those things. But the real meat of the song is that lyric. And then what I say in the verses, and it's like nothing thing was coming out that day because I was trying to avoid saying it the honest way. I was trying to be clever and how can I mask and how can I hide and how can I not say how bad it is? Because sometimes you say, man, I'm suicidal. And people go, stop being a punk and stop whining. You're like, damn man, I don't want to feel like this. And there's a reason why men take their lives at such a large rate. It's a pretty big problem. And there's not really a lot of men that I know at least don't talk about it. And that doesn't exclude women and anybody else.

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I know what it is to be me, and I know what it is to be like me. And a lot of people like me don't talk. We don't have infrastructure, we don't have friendships that we get that deep with. And then again, it extends out to everybody else. It doesn't really, it's not precious about who it's coming after when it's depression. So for me, it just started. I just needed to be honest. And as soon as I was honest, those lyrics came out and it's like, Hey, no one knows how close it was. I almost gave up on living, and I was really a second away. And it's happened multiple times in my life. And that's really scary because your brain takes over and you're in the passenger seat at that point in time, this darkness and this weight, this grief, this disappointment, shame, guilt, everything is like it's consuming you and there's no way to climb out. At least that's what it feels like when it's happening. And the true nature of it is when I get out of that lyric and I get to the course and I say again because nobody knows.

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Had I given up when I was at that point, when I was at that crossroad in my life, I wouldn't have experienced a lot of the most incredible things that have happened. Case in point, meeting my wife and meeting incredible people around the world and getting to experience my dream coming true and things coming to fruition and getting to experience people who did know me in a rougher time in my life, who then tell me, man, they're proud of me. And that's the thing that I always wanted to hear was they're proud that I didn't keep living in the lifestyle I was living in. And they're proud that I changed trajectories and they've given me a lot of grace and go, Hey man, we're really like, wow. And I can't imagine what it would be like or what it would've been like to forfeit it all that. So I say it to everybody else who's listening to this or whoever listens to this, just you don't know. You really don't know. Today might be the worst feeling you've ever experienced, but I literally said this on Instagram post the other day, and not to be insensitive to your story, Emily, just because you've experienced the worst loss in your life and the tears you'll never be able to pull back into your body, it doesn't mean that you've not laughed since.

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It doesn't mean that you've not felt love. It doesn't mean that you've not felt joy and happiness. And two things can happen at the same time. You can experience grief and joy at the exact same time. I've learned this at least, and I'm sure you have your own experience to say something similar. So I encourage every single person out there who feels that weight I do to hang on for a day. And if that day doesn't bring forth that joy or happiness or anything, hang on for one more because it will come. And then you'll be like, man, I can't imagine my life without you and I can't imagine my life without this, and I can't imagine my life without this day. And I think that sometimes depression, pain, grief, shame, guilt, all of those things, they can hold you to this thing where you believe for a second you're not supposed to or allowed to feel anything better. Totally. Yeah. Joy will persevere and love will persevere and kindness will persevere and everything will persevere and it doesn't distract from all the things behind you. That's the thing. And you will again feel weight and you will again, feel depression and you will feel grief again. It's going to happen. And learning to get comfortable with that part of being human and the dynamic range of sadness and happiness

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And

(00:36:35):

Allowing that to become part of your story. So a few minutes ago, you go, could I have gone without it or essentially that, yes, but I am happy I'm alive today in spite of it. I'm happy that I can feel the way I feel today in spite of the other side that I felt I'm happy. I see the sun come out when it was raining all those days. And I'm happy on the days when the rain comes back because sometimes I need a break from the sun. I'm just learning to try and accept being human in all of it.

Emily Cave Boit (00:37:08):

I remember I wrote about it in the book or in my book, and I remember after Colby passed away, I always used to say One day, closer to seeing you in heaven. And that would be the only thing that would get me through the day. And I remember I have a whole chapter about it, and it's called, I didn't plan to be here. And I genuinely thought Colby died in April and I didn't plan to be here past September. In my mindset it was let's do all what the NHL wants me to do. We're going to do the song, we're going to do the documentary, we're going to get the foundations up and going, and then I've done my part, and then I can go see Kolby and that I talk about it in the book and that heaviness, and it was actually last week, and I was thinking, I'm like, people always ask me, and I say Today, the bravest thing I ever did since losing Kolby, it wasn't going in front of cameras.

(00:38:12):

It was continuing to live when all I wanted to do was die, continuing to live when all I wanted to do was die. And I, I was thinking about had I not planned to be here, and it was just kind of, I met people during that time and they would invite me out to coffee and it would be like another, like you're saying one more day to keep going or I'd meet this person. And yeah, last week I was thinking, had I went through with that, I wouldn't have met this amazing group of people that I now have in my life that

Speaker 4 (00:38:49):

Yes,

Emily Cave Boit (00:38:50):

I met because of Colby dying because post Kolby friends that I would've never met had I not gone through what I did. But I'm so grateful for them now, and they've become such an incredible support system. So as you're saying the one day, just get through one more day. And I think you did touch on a very good point. I think men's mental health is something that's definitely not talked about as much. So I admire you talking openly about that and your struggles. I think it helps kill the stigma or break down the stigma more than, yeah, we need more of that. I think it's really, really important.

Forest Blakk (00:39:41):

I appreciate that, and I appreciate you sharing your story and how candid you are. Even last night, my wife and I were laying in bed and I was talking about doing this today and joining you and over the years I've mentioned to you in passing to her to be like, oh, this is experience and it's hard. Your story touches us because, and I think a lot of people, because you, you're forced to confront something, you're forced to confront, what would I do if that happened to me? And nobody wants anyone to have to go through that. And your story and your experience and the loss of a love of your life, it forces all of us to confront our own mortality. And so yeah, we were sitting there last night and scrolling through your Instagram and just even reading older posts and getting to the place, watching you, holding onto hope still and watching those three days happen from hope to loss, it was like the fact that you've shared that in a time where most people shut down the impact that has, again, could you go without I Sure you could. I'm sure you could have definitely gone without, but I think it's a testament to, like you're saying, the bravest thing you can do is just kind of live and then to share if you can because it provides people with the ability to know they're not alone in those feelings. And what would you do?

(00:41:20):

And I think that I can only imagine that in the years since your husband's passing that you've probably shared a lot of conversations with people who've since faced that.

(00:41:34):

Yeah. So I think to what I'm trying to accomplish with this was never again set out to be a hero. I don't want to be the face of mental health, and I am just trying to make it through. And I think that I am more days away from it than I was close to it. And I think people attach to the fact that it can get better and they want to know how, and that in turn, I don't know if it does something similar to you, but it does make me want to push harder. Okay. Well, I feel an accountability and I do want to say it because if it helps someone not feel the way I felt three years ago, five years ago, or six months ago, well then that's great because then maybe it buys someone else a day just from being willing to say it. And I think that that's what it does. And I know at least that's what it does for me when I come across something that makes me go, oh man, and I think I'll butcher it. There's a quote, and again, I'm paraphrasing terribly, but it's something to the effect of those who are aware of something, they bear the burden of having to essentially be part of it. So if in a relationship or a friendship you see the problem, but the friend or the partner doesn't, you bear the burden of having

(00:43:02):

To lead in that moment. And I think that that's what this is. It's like I got through it and I'm aware of it and I have an understanding to it, and I feel like I bear the burden of being a little mouthpiece and a little voice to it, to at least not in my place knowing I don't think I could be selfish with the information anymore. It's like, okay, here's what it is. And I dunno, sometimes even just saying it out loud makes me feel like I got some of the poison out because holding it in was like, that's where I was dying. For me,

Emily Cave Boit (00:43:35):

No, I feel like I'm sure for you in writing your lyrics and your songs, for me it was an sharing onto, it helped my emotional process a little bit too. I think I'm very verbal and I was like, if I can just help one person or if I can just do this, and I know for one of your songs in particular and there's a plaque in the back with its title on it, I'm going to get emotional talking about it. I remember hearing that song for the first time. I know exactly where I was standing and it was on my iPad, and I think it was, well, it was like a year and a half after Colby died, and it was kind of not really in a great headspace with at all. And I remember your song came on the iPad and it was the first time I heard it. And I remember being like, I feel like this is Colby saying these words to me. I feel like

(00:44:40):

This is exactly what, because I had said to Colby, if you want me to stay and I talk about it in the chapter of the book, that is literally if you're the one Sheila that's in named and I write down your lyrics in it and I say, if you want me to stay, you better send me someone real soon. I don't know how much more I can kind of take. And your song came on and the kitchen on the iPad, and I remember, I think it was the, well it lyrics in general just were very describing of me, and it was talking about love notes and I have a whole box of love notes that Colby wrote me. And I just remember being like, whoa, this is exactly what Colby would tell whoever it is, and if he wants me to, who he's handing the torch over to.

(00:45:35):

Because I always say, Colby handed the torch to Colin. And I think about that conversation all the time, and I think about those lyrics and I think about what would Colby say to Colin? Or what would, they'd probably joke about my long showers or what would he say? And it was those lyrics and that song that I was like, this is exactly what Colby would say. And I remember, I don't even think I shared this in the book, but a few months later I would meet Colin and I always said, that's the song when I post about whoever it is I'm going to use to publicly announce that I'm dating again. And I did. I used the song and I made a reel. And I remember Colin's first time in Canada, he flew up, he knew the whole story behind the song. He knew that this is exactly what Colby would say to him if those two were to meet.

(00:46:34):

And when Colin left Canada for the first time to fly back to Edmonton, after meeting my parents meeting some of Colby's teammates, he was in the airport and he texted me, he was like, you would not believe what song is playing. And it was your song. He was sitting in Chili's in the Edmonton Airport and your song came on. And I texted Colin today at work and I was like, this is so full circle talking to you today. And I hate that you had to go through everything you have gone through to write that song, but thank you for writing that because it completely changed. I don't know, it brought comfort because that's exactly what, and I'm sure when you were writing it, you were not thinking about a widower, and this is what her husband in heaven would say for her to date again. But yeah, just the power of that song completely changed my journey in so many ways. So it's so special to have this conversation with you, and I know it has not been easy for you to write these songs or be sharing your journey, but I'm just one person that it has greatly impacted, and I know it's impacted a millions, so I can't thank you enough. And I know so many other people can't thank you enough as well.

Forest Blakk (00:48:03):

I'm so grateful. I'm really honored to even hear stories like this. You're right. I didn't consider this when I was writing it because I was writing it from here. I was trying to fix a wound and come to terms with feelings that I had of loss and love and that whole song, the inception of the song and everything when I was writing, if you love her, I didn't know what was going to happen. The pain and the feelings I had were so intense that it had to come out that day. And the song is a journey of that. And

(00:48:52):

I've said this in interviews too. I wrote it from such a different place that when I put it out into the world, I never knew what it would do. I don't write songs going, is this going to be the one? Is this going to be the song that changes lives and affects people? And the answer is no. I don't think like that. I'm very acutely aware that it can, I'm acutely aware that it can have that impact. But yeah, for me it's just that day was the best way I can explain it. As you listen to the song and it gets to that big crescendo, that big part right before the final last course that kind of chills out, it felt like two souls break it. I can't explain it in any other way. And if you think about it when you're listening to it, it just, that's what it felt like.

(00:49:45):

It felt like I had to accept my own fake in that song. So when I put it out into the world and people like you tune in and you make it what you need to hear from it, one, it's the greatest compliment to ever hear because it isn't about me. I realized that and it's like, I'm really happy I realized this, that these songs are born from my stories and they're born from my experiences and they're born from my life. But at the end of the day, they're not meant to be ported and held by me. They're meant to go out into the world and be whatever they need for somebody else. And the gratitude that I have that someone like you is sitting on the other end of an iPad listening and my song shows up and it becomes yours. I can't tell you how immensely profound that is. And it genuinely makes me feel like all of this is worth it somehow. We genuinely need that. You need it. I need it. So yeah, it's just such an honor to hear that here you are a stranger to me and myself, a stranger to you, and the fact that I was willing to be honest and you were willing to listen,

(00:51:10):

Then that becomes entangled somehow. And then the fact that then all of a sudden, here's this person in your world that is going to attempt to fill a place that is not fillable. You can't fill that, and they have to occupy a new place. And you're coming to terms with that, and here's the words that you feel best represent the person who held that spot, what they would say, essentially, if you're going to build a home on this plot of land where I used to be, these are the bones of the home that you need. And then to have a partner in your life who can make space for both you and Colby and to honor the land that they're on and to build that home there. And this is all part of a story that we shared because again, I was willing to be honest, and you're willing to be honest and vulnerable, and you're willing to love again. And I'm willing to love again, I'm willing to say it, I'm willing to honor the pain and honor the peace. Yeah, it's quite profound. I don't really know what else to say to that other than the fact that just, I'm just immensely grateful that you're willing to share that story. And

(00:52:23):

I don't know, it does give me something to think about when I go write. It's just to remind myself that music is this really great connector and it really does have a place outside of me. It's not mine. It's like, wow, how it can be there.

Emily Cave Boit (00:52:39):

The power of words and making, yeah, we all thrive when we feel seen. And I think your lyrics and everything makes people feel seen in their own part of their journey. So it's really, yeah, it's special. And I always love hearing, I know you have a few other songs out there that I'm like, oh, it just hits close to home for sure. But on a more, I don't want to say happier note on a more uplifting or what is something or ritual that you do on your version of game day or concert day that your fans wouldn't expect?

Forest Blakk (00:53:29):

Wow, what's a version of my game day? I'm so intense. Really. So intense. Okay. Yeah. I think it's, it's just part of the course. I suppose everything feels like it's been stacked against me, that I am very specific.

(00:53:49):

I warm up three times before I play. I am very quiet. I don't talk to many people behind the scenes when I'm in my mode. It is different when I'm touring. Touring is always different than when I'm writing or what have you. But everything is very specific. It's super like, yeah, my warmups happen at a certain time. I, I'm steaming clothes and making sure everything feels the way I want it to feel. I think that actually, I would say this. There's maybe a better ritual, unlike as I'm going through it, the one thing I always do that no one would actually know about is every time I get to a venue, I walk out onto the stage and I always peer out into an empty place, an empty venue, arena, stadium, it doesn't matter. And I always take it in. I always remind myself, this could be the last time I do this.

(00:54:52):

And I remind myself of how special this is. I'm about to present me and these songs on a stage for all these people. And so I just take it in. And whether there's 10 people to fill an arena or it's thousands of people, it's all one and the same. It's a very special thing that I'm doing, and I'm very lucky to be here. And so I better take it pretty damn seriously and honor it. So that's something I do everywhere, every single time. And then that segues into one more thing that I do is when we do a little band huddle, almost like a hockey huddle before you going out there, what do you say to your guys? And

(00:55:31):

I'm the captain, so it's like I have to say the thing that I, and one of the things I always tell my guys and what I'm always grateful for them, the fact that they're there and they're bringing a lifetime of expertise to the stage, and they're channeling as well. And I always try to remind them that just because I'm the guy that wrote the songs makes no difference. We all have to go on stage and we all have to perform. It's a team. So it could be the best player in the world, but you're not scoring all the goals by yourself and saving them at the same time. So it's like you better talk to your goalie like they're goalie and you better talk to your defenseman. They're your defenseman. You better be a good forward and you better lead. So I always try to honor that and appreciate who's essentially on ice for us, who's going on stage, getting on stage. But the one thing that I always do is I always remind my guys, the first song is always for us, every single show. It doesn't matter where we are, the first one's for us, we earned that.

(00:56:27):

And then the rest of the set is for the fans.

(00:56:30):

It's

(00:56:30):

Not for us. Those are my two really important traditions that I do to just remember, eat some humble pie. Nothing's promised. I'm not promised tomorrow. This is it. This is what we get. And I'm very lucky and it's just that I'm lucky. I worked hard and I did a lot of things, but so does everybody else. Not everybody else gets to play on the stage. So just honoring what it is. So that's my big game day ritual. I don't know if it's uplifting as much as everything in my life feels like it's serious, but

Emily Cave Boit (00:57:03):

Okay. One last question before I let you go is if you could go back to five-year-old you and say you are more than, what would it be?

Forest Blakk (00:57:18):

Wow. I would say that you're more than the scars that you're carrying. You're more than the bad things that people do to you. That's probably what I would tell myself. So I think not only five-year-old me, but even me today, it's a thing I think I have to tell myself and probably for the rest of my life. So yeah, I'm more than the hurt. I'm more than the things that happened to me.

Emily Cave Boit (00:57:51):

I hope you always remember that because you're pretty amazing and we are all lucky that you are still here and writing incredible music and just super happy for you and your wife and your cute little doggy. And thank you. The life that you're building in Nashville. And just thank you for sharing your heart with us all. It's helped me personally and millions of others in so many ways.

Forest Blakk (00:58:22):

Thank you. I hope that you feel the same. Thank you. Yeah, I think just let's just keep talking and keep having the conversation. And thank you. Thank you for your time and thank you for your heart and thank you for being willing to talk. But most importantly, thank you for sharing Colby and your story with me over the years. It's, it's been very special, and your pain is an opportunity for people to learn how to love a little deeper. And I wish it didn't have to happen, and I wish it didn't happen. I don't think anything has to happen. It happened. Oh, thank you.

Emily Cave Boit (00:59:01):

But

Forest Blakk (00:59:01):

I'm happy that you've made it through the other side, and I hope you know that you make the same impact.

Emily Cave Boit (00:59:06):

Thank you. Trying to make him proud.

Forest Blakk (00:59:09):

I think you are. You're doing just fine in that department.

Emily Cave Boit (00:59:30):

Well, thank you. Well, good luck on the rest of your tour.

Forest Blakk (00:59:34):

Thank you.

Emily Cave Boit (00:59:35):

Yeah, I always love follow your journey and all your new music. So thank you so much again for coming on.

Forest Blakk (00:59:42):

I appreciate it. Hopefully see you in a city in Canada sometime soon.

Emily Cave Boit (00:59:45):

I know. That would be a blast. Yeah, that'd be so much fun.

Forest Blakk (00:59:50):

That'd be great.

Emily Cave Boit (00:59:51):

We'll get some Tim Hortons together.

Forest Blakk (00:59:53):

I would love that.

Emily Cave Boit (00:59:55):

Awesome. Thanks again.

Forest Blakk (00:59:57):

You're welcome.

Emily Page (01:00:03):

Thanks for listening to you or more, Emily. Would love to hear from you. Reach out via the text link in the show notes and let her know what resonated. If you enjoyed this episode, share it with a friend. Don't forget to follow the podcast and leave a rating to help others find the show. Thanks for listening.