Hey, I do Part two.

It's your celebrity mentor Kelly ben Simone.

And today I've got my great producer and friend, Heather Monday to join me because I've got some big news to share with you.

I've been nothing but honest since I joined the podcast, and that's the only way we heal and grow by sharing our own truth.

So today I need to talk through it for you and for me.

Hi, Heather, I love you.

Hi, I love you.

What's going on?

Well, first of all, happy right, this is you know, one of our first episodes of the new year, So happy New Year to anybody that's listening.

But even though twenty twenty six has just started, I know a lot of things have changed.

So what's happened?

So I went through a breakup over the holiday.

My application applications are now open.

I closed them before the holidays and now I open them.

Well let's rewind.

Yeah, let's talk a little bit about what happened, because I think from a listener's perspective, right, we were all really excited when you announced that you had a boyfriend, and you seemed really excited about it, So kind of tell me, was this a long time coming?

Or was this like something happened over the holidays and this decision was made.

So I did have a breakup over the holidays, and this is not something that just happened.

But I am a Taurus and I have a lot of bandwidth and then and sometimes I just snap.

And I had some health issues last last year, and I was going through a lot of things personally, and it really made me see what I wanted in my romantic life and like how I wanted to navigate that and move forward into twenty twenty six.

So be a little bit more specific for me, What does that mean?

Was this person not showing up for you?

Were they not by your bedside when you were needing you know, some nursing or aid?

Like what kind of I guess.

Try to break it down and be a little bit more specific for me as to like what went into this decision.

They did not show up when I really really needed them, now, got it?

They did not shot?

Okay, that's unfortunate.

So just to be clear, you were the one who had this breakup.

It was not a mutual decision.

I'd like to say it was a mutual decision because in order for me to break up, I had to feel something that would encourage me to make that decision.

So it's not like just like I woke up one day and I was like, oh, I'm going to break up with this person.

It was a this is not going to work, this is not going to move forward, and it's you know, it's at the stage I am in my life, like, I want a gorgeous family for my family, Heather, I want.

I've always from day one.

The reason I got divorced from my first husband and only husband, is because I want a gorgeous, loving, healthy family for my family.

That's all I want.

M h.

I want to want to I want to create a family.

I want to be in a loving relationship, and I want to be cherished and cared for.

I spent my life being the caregiver of every single man, with the exception of my twin brother or my father.

They're the only two men that I haven't been the caregiver for, and I it's time that we that the tables turn and that someone cares for me, cherishes me, adores me, loves me for who.

I am exactly.

I definitely think that those are wonderful things to want, and I think that you deserve those no doubt.

I guess when I say, is it mutual?

He wasn't shocked when you tried to break up with him.

He wasn't trying to, you know, say I can change or let's fix this or work on this.

There was no that discussion.

Because what you're expressing to me sounds like you initiated this breakup.

You wanted this breakup.

I could feel that there was a change.

I feel, I felt like there was a change in temperature.

Okay, and I just knew in my heart that this is not right.

And even you know, I mean, I can't speak for him, but I know that he was not happy with the change in the temperature.

Okay, got it.

So the holidays happen, you guys were together, and I know that your kids were also there.

What was your kid's perspective on him or on your relationship?

Because I asked that because I think a lot of people in their Chapter two and their I Do Part two era tend to be parents, you know, and navigating dating as a single mom versus as a single person is very different, especially with you.

Your kids aren't babies, they're young adults, So how much you know did they give their input or feelings on your relationship.

How much of that do you take into consideration when you're making these kinds of decisions.

Kind of tell me a little bit about that.

So he's a very dynamic human, which is one of the things.

Very very smart, very dynamic, very successful, which is those are the things that I and he has, you know, very good good values.

So he has he has, he checks like all the boxes.

That's why I fell in love with him.

I fell in love with him because he was I thought that he was my person.

Wait, I'm going to jump in here.

You said fell in love with him.

You've also said on this podcast that you've never been in love before.

True, I have never been in love.

I fell madly in love with him.

I love him.

So you were in love?

Oh, I was so in love with him, Like I had those love goggles on, like they were like so tight.

I was in madly in love with him.

He could do no wrong.

But you so, so this is this is big then, not to say not to little any sort of relationship, but you have you know, taken our listeners on this journey and expressed how you've never been in love before.

You know, you've had a lot of ups and downs since the calling off of your engagement over a year ago.

So this guy, however, you know, the chemistry was he was able to make a very strong connection with you, and you were in love.

I wasn't just in love.

I was madly in love.

Okay, so you were in love.

And I also loved him, so it was Yes, it was twofold.

I cared about him, but I was also I had these very strong love feelings.

I wasn't in my feelings.

I was in love feelings.

So I digress.

Go back, Tell me about your kids and their input and their thoughts.

So that my kids said to me, they were like, Mom, you're just not yourself.

You're just not yourself.

And there were some a couple of things that happened that made them question what was going on and my relationship, and you know, my girls and I were very very tight.

You know.

I know a lot of people are like my kids and my everything, and they always talk about how their kids, their kids, their kids, Like I speak to my kids all day long.

I see them every single day.

I take them on vacations, I go everywhere anytime that I have free time.

In the past, I've always spent with them Tuesday Night's, Wednesday night, Thursday night, Saturday, Sunday, holidays.

Whatever it is they are, they are it.

So how much does their opinion weigh in on who you date?

They are a ton and I know that I know, like there's probably going to be a therapist that say, like, you have to make your own decisions, don't crowd source your decisions for love.

I'm sure that people are going to be analyzing and like crazy, I'm not crowdsourcing anything.

I am saying that.

I have always been very adamant about making sure that every man knows that we're three people, We're not just one.

And it's really important for people to understand that they are very well educated, very insightful, very mindful, loving, philanthropic.

They're very well rounded girls.

And they were just like, Mommy, you're not you.

I think that's what makes dating in chapter two so much more difficult than chapter one.

Right, Not only do you have the perspective that you gained in chapter one through your marriage, for example, of what you want, what you don't want, but then now you have adult children in the mix that you didn't have when you got married the first time.

You have a whole different life and career than you had in chapter one, and you have now just a laundry list of things that you are looking for in this hopefully forever you know, partner that you have for the rest of you know, your life.

So it does make things more difficult than say, dating in your twenties.

So tell me about now that it's over.

Where are the feelings of love?

Is that complicating things?

Is it making it difficult?

How are you feeling about him right now in this moment?

Well, in terms of my health, I feel so much better.

So my mindset is very clear, very calm, and I adore him.

I still love him very much.

I still think that he's an amazing human.

I don't see him the way that I did maybe two weeks ago.

I saw a lot of things when we did have like a confrontational moment.

I saw a lot of things I didn't like.

But that doesn't make him bad.

It just makes him not right for me.

Do you think that there's any chance of reconciliation, Could couples counseling or anything like that fix any of these issues?

Or do you think it's not worth repairing?

I just asked because you said love.

I know I know that that was something that was really important to you and that you hadn't experienced yet.

So I just want to ask the question because I'm sure listeners are thinking the same thing, like would you ever think about doing couples counseling with him?

I just feel like because it was such a short period of time that and so intense, Like when I saw him, I met him, I spoke to him on the phone, and when I saw him, I was like, there he is.

And I've never ever, I've never I dated one guy before who I was just like I had a similar feeling, but not as intense.

I just was like, there he is, there's my person.

And it wasn't about the way he looks.

It wasn't about anything.

It was just like I just was like, that's step that's the person.

So you're saying you don't think that you should do couples counseling because you hadn't been together long enough.

I don't know if couple's counseling.

I just feel, you know, I have these like these.

I always say things like you don't paint over rotten lumber, and it's like the things that you can I can't unheer things and I can't unfeel things.

Now, I am going to agree with you wholeheartedly on that, Kelly, because I too believe you can't unring a bell, and it is very hard for me to pretend or go back as if you know, certain conversations haven't happened.

So I totally understand where you're coming from with that.

Okay, Well, how you said your mindset has been better?

How since this happened, have you been healing or making time for yourself?

What's been working for you?

Are you still in therapy?

Are you journaling?

What have you been doing since this happened?

So I journaled throughout the entire relationship.

I bought us these orange books, and I left one at his house and I had one at my house, and I was just writing about every time I would go to see him, I'd play a little piano, eat some cookies, and I would write something about my thoughts about him, and which is very vulnerable of me.

I mean, it was just but I just just wanted to write it down.

I just was I had no I had no inhibitions zero.

I just felt really open.

But I'm not you know, there's flowers, and there's gardeners and I've been gardening Heather all my life, all my life.

Let me take care of you.

Let me do this for you.

Do you need this, do you need that?

Let me go here, let me go there for you.

Let me do this, whatever you need, whatever you need, whatever you need.

Oh, no problem, oh no problem.

Doing everything all day long, all my life.

And I'm tired.

Tired.

Yeah, like I know, it's like I can only you know.

It's like, just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm not exhausted.

Exhausted, No, for sure.

I think that is you know, any healthy relationship, right, nobody listening.

Come for me when I say this.

But one of the great perks in being in a partnership, whether that's a marriage or a long term partnership, is the fact that you have a built in team player.

Now, obviously, if the relationship is unhealthy, you don't have that, but that is one of the great perks of being in a partnership.

Is when you are having a rough day, you have somebody to help pick up the load, when you are struggling with something, you have someone to lean on, somebody to talk to, somebody to do these things with.

And when you're single, you don't have a person, and it can be very challenging to put that kind of weight and stress on family members or friends.

So unfortunately, as single people, we tend to keep it in.

I know, as a very loving and active mom, you probably don't open up to your daughters too about these kinds of pressures.

And because you're their mom, you're not their friend.

No, I'm not their friend.

I'm definitely say so.

That's you know, it's a very exhausting place to be in.

For sure.

I want to know from you now that this is in the rear view mirror when it comes to your next relationship, what intentions are you setting.

I told myself in the car in the way here that I just and I told I was talking about it this weekend, you know, on Instagram, about giving people, talking about me telling me what's going on, and just talking about giving them grace and just giving my own self some grace.

It's okay.

Why is this making you emotional right now?

Guys?

I you know, I have such an amazing father with incredible values, and we have such an unbelievable provider and he was always there for me and I just the men that I meet, they're just not they're just they just they're they're they're just not pulling the weight like they see me carrying the load, and they're not like, let me take it off of you.

Oh my god, what can I do for you?

Like I was I was thinking in the car, I was like, what are the things that like, really like make me feel good?

Like when my daughter sends me a coffee, or when I send her a coffee, She's like, Mommy, to send you a coffee.

I'm like, oh my god, I love you.

Like I'm a little thing kind of person.

I will give you the shirt off my back.

But I don't expect anything from people.

And I'm going to start expecting and I'm going to start and dating with actual intentions.

I'm not just going to go to dinner and I'm not just going to be the girl that like has fun and talks to everyone about everything and be you know, happy, go lucky, and you know, I'm not gonna be very Tyler Moore and smiling my way through things.

I'm just gonna be like, very real and raw with people.

And I think that one one of the big biggest misconceptions is that and I actually spoke to a friend of mine about it this weekend.

He was like, well, you have this big Instagram presence and you do all these things and there's a lot of press, and I'm like, that's my work.

It's I know how to work.

I know how to work well.

I know how to make things happen for my clients and for all my brand partnerships and for the things that I'm doing.

I understand how to do that job reporting for duty.

I understand the assignment.

My personal life is my personal life.

I mean, I told you guys that I fell in love because I wanted to share it.

I was like, I fell in love, Yeah, and now I'm like, I'm heartbroken, and I just want to be able to allow myself to like when i'm honestly, like when I'm sick, they should be like you need to lay down and watch a movie and do nothing.

Yeah.

Well, can we go back to the intentions real quick.

I want to give you one to maybe try on for size in your next relationship.

I want you to try the next time you're in something committed.

Okay, so this is not somebody you're dating flippantly, somebody you're dating while seeing other people.

This is in your next committed relationship.

I want you to consider doing a check in date now.

It is not a date where we decide to go to dinner and we're dating and we're talking over dinner.

No, this is a intentional We put it on our calendars and this is what we call our check in date.

It does not take place in public.

It takes place in private so we can speak freely with one another and not be concerned about who might be overhearing at the next table.

And that is where you check in with your partner and you both openly talk intimately about how you're feeling currently in the relationship, whether that is about I am extremely happy right now.

I want you to know that when you sent me a coffee earlier this week, that meant so much to me.

And I want to know what can I do to show up for you?

And it has to be that give of telling somebody in your life that is important to you what they did right and asking how can I show up for you?

Because it is a two way street in a relationship, right, is there something that I can do better?

I want to say for you this week when you weren't picking up your socks and offering and I had a lot going on that actually led to more stress in my life.

It would help me out if you know, this next week you were more cognizant of socks on the floor, whatever it might be, you know what I mean.

So he did do that.

If he did do that, not like that, but he would say, I'm very happy with us.

But I want you in your next relationship to say that.

But I want you to try on for size, doing a check and date with whoever you're dating, and say to them, I really like you and I really want to see this relationship flourish.

So I think we should have a check and date once a week.

Maybe we do it on Tuesdays.

We do it for thirty minutes, you know, and just see how if that deepens intimacy, if that deepens Because this is the thing in knowing you.

I think you are such a giver and you are such a light.

But I think that sometimes you keep your feelings of oh I didn't like when he did that, or oh I didn't like when he said that, you keep a lot of it buried and inside.

And then, like you said at the beginning of this episode, okay, and it's a pressure building situation.

I think if you are having a this is a designated weekly check in time.

It is not sexy date night.

It is not we're going out for whatever it is.

We are sitting together, we are alone check in date.

That it will help you to vocalize more of those problems so that they don't build build, build build inside of you, and it will help you because I think that a lot of these guys you have dated have not really understood your love language.

No, they have no idea what I love languages.

But Kelly, that's partly on you, right, They're not mind readers.

So how are they going to know what your love language is if you're not taking the time to express and say, hey, if you send me a cup of coffee during the day, that really actually means a lot to me, you know what I mean.

Now, I'm going to play Devil's advocate on myself right now.

This is an area that I struggle in in relationship because my feeling is, oh, if I vocalize it and they do it, it's actually not coming from a place of being genuine.

It's them doing it to please me because I have said it.

Now, I have learned through a lot of therapy that that is not how I should be viewing things, and that people are not mind readers, right, and that we have to give people the benefit of the doubt, and we need to be able to express what we want and desire in relationships, and if it then does not get met after we've expressed, then that's a time where we reevaluate and say, hey, I have come to the table.

I have said that X, Y, and Z is not working for me.

If it continues to not work for me past this point, I'm going to have to make a decision.

And that is you know, but that is my two cents as somebody who has gotten to spend a lot of time with you and knows you and knows what a giving heart that you have.

I think that sometimes you tend to give, give, give, and you're waiting for that reciprocation.

But I think that these men are not aware of how much the giving is part of your love language, and that the reciprocation is what you hope to receive.

So I think there's a little bit of a disconnect there.

But you know, it's interesting just to touch on that too.

You know.

It's like, you know, the listeners are going to be like Okay, here she comes with her Midwestern values.

But I was raised in the Midwest, and I started coming to New York when I was fifteen, And New Yorkers are much more open and verbal about their feelings and what's happening, the weather, all these different things, Like that's just the way that that's such just what the culture of New York is.

People are much more communicative about the things that are they like, they don't like Midwest, we don't say anything.

I mean, I've never heard I've never even heard anyone talk about the weather or talk about the travel plans to get to X, Y or Z.

So I was never raised with communicating like that as an option.

And so I'm a listener and I'll listen.

But I'm also a gardener.

So if I see a pop up, if I've seen something, you know, you've seen this with how I am with you, if there's something that's bothering you, I'm like, I'm going to send Heather president, I'm going to do something for I'm going to check in on her, like I am that person, you know.

I want you to know that, like our friendship means a lot to me, and my relationships mean a lot to me, and I've just been so so disappointed, so disappointed.

And I think people think that because I am, like we talked about this before, because I have been a provider for my family and had been under so much financial stress for so long and still made sure that my girl said everything that I'm so strong, and I'm just because just because I can, Just because I can, I'm good at math and good at transactions and I have an eye for aesthetics does not mean I'm not a wildly sensitive human exactly.

And I think that's the big thing is that they don't realize how sensitive I really am.

Like every single thing that you say, I listen to, and I don't just be like, okay, Heather, I like listen, I'll think about it.

I'm going to use it in a sentence with you later.

Like I am that kind of person.

Unfortunately, unfortunately, I'm not like most people are like, yeah, what about me, I'm feeling gorgeous.

I'm like no, no, no, I heard everything, but.

My thing is going back to it.

Why don't they know this about you?

Why don't they know that you're sensitive?

Why don't they know that you're looking for somebody to help take off the load.

Because for some reason, I think that men because they see that I am such a I'm such a nurturer.

Ully, it's because you don't tell them.

I'm being serious.

I don't tell them.

I just say that.

They're like, she's over there taking care of everything.

Everything's happening, all the bows are tied, everything's done.

I don't tell them.

What am I going to do?

Be like I am sensitive?

Yes, because you know what, again, this is how I'm now thinking about men and men listeners.

If you're out there, I really don't think you are.

I think we're all a lot of big girls out here.

We have a lot of men listeners, male listeners.

Sure.

What I'm about to say is is that all I know is that men are not mind readers.

And it has to be said.

So we come into this relationship right with expectations.

And anybody listening that says you shouldn't have expectations when you're dating somebody, I'm going to say, that's bs am I getting.

When I get into a relationship with I have the expectation of monogamy.

I have the expectation of communication, and I have the expectation of that I am that person's you know, not necessarily maybe their main focus, but that I'm high on the priority list of that person.

I am above friends.

I will say that those are the first few expectations I come into in a relationship.

Now when expectations change and build upon that, sure, depending on the seriousness of the relationship, but you have a lot of expectations.

You're looking for somebody that can help provide.

You are looking for a family for your family.

You're looking for somebody that when you are sick, is going to care for you.

You're looking for somebody who is going to check in, communicate, send maybe gifts or love notes or something throughout the day.

You know what I mean.

I'm thinking of you.

I'm so proud of you, whatever it might be.

Communication, and so these kinds of expectations are key for you.

They might not be key for somebody else.

So I want you to just try and kind of keep thinking about that this is important to me.

It might not be important to them.

They're not going to know what's important to me unless I tell them, and you have to say it.

You have to say out loud, Hey, I know that I might look like I have it all together when I'm out on a red carpet and doing a step and repeat.

But I just want you to know that, like I'm super sensitive and like you might get to see that side of me, but just know and like you have to verbalize things more, and I think that that's something you should take into twenty twenty six as we're navigating this landscape.

We do have to wrap it up pretty soon.

But I did want to ask you before we go, what do you want to say to the listeners who might be finding themselves going through a breakup right now at the top of the year.

What would you say to them?

You know, I really just I'm gonna have to go with what you just said to me, because those this is this is a new these these are new ground rules that I've never had before.

And You're right, I can't expect people to They're not mind readers.

You know.

Friends aren't mind readers.

Partners aren't right mind readers, They're not.

And I have to be more forthcoming with that really hurt my feelings.

I really appreciate when you said that I have to be more cognizant of showing them you know how much I appreciate them, and I hope I do I'm I'm a like I said, I'm a show person.

Like I'm not like a talking person, like I show up for people all the time.

I am that person and I want to be that person for my partner.

You like to give gifts, you like to give experiences, you like to bring people.

That's the perk of being in your world is like you know, X, Y, and Z, so you like to share those things with people.

I would like to share all of those perks with my life, whether it's being able to go to a next game, or whether it's being able to go to the Brockettes together, or whether it's you know, being able to go to a fun movie or you know, a fun event that you know is interesting.

I love that.

I love sharing that part of my life.

But that's not my life.

My life is me at home with Tarzan on my couch eating Chinese food.

What does that look like?

What am I watching?

You know?

It's interesting because, like I was, the summer was the summer that ever, you know, the summer I turned pretty, And that's how I felt.

I felt like it was the summer that I turned pretty, except for the only problem was that I wasn't really feeling pretty.

I thought that I was feeling pretty, but I had so many things that I wasn't communicating with the things that were really really bothering me.

And those were really, really big, and I just couldn't bring them into twenty twenty six.

I just couldn't.

I found myself in a physical situation and I had just just had to turn it off.

I just couldn't.

I just couldn't do it.

So to anybody that's going through a breakup right now, just like you, what would you say to them you're going through it too, just like.

That communicating, I mean, if I'm going to communicate, and we're going to spend the next couple episodes and this, you know, communicating, and I'm going to I'm going to talk to you through how how I communicate and what that's happened, what's how that's helped me or what that's been bad for me?

And you know, I'm always I've always been honest.

I have I'm not here to sugarcoat things, and I wear my heart on my sleeve for you guys.

But I haven't been wearing my heart on my sleeve for those guys, and so I need to It's not about being vulnerable.

It's about me being more communicative and opening up a narrative.

I'm going to say it's a little bit of both.

It is about vulnerability, and it is about being communicative, because I think you have no problem communicating here, there, and everywhere, whatever the plans are.

But it's about that vulnerable communication of hey I'm sensitive.

That's vulnerability to tell somebody that, or hey, I'm really needing somebody to like help take the load off of me.

Like I got money, I got my kids, I got all that covered, but like I'm looking for somebody to be in a partnership and share a life with, and like, if you're not willing to do that, then I don't want to waste anybody's time, your time or my time.

And you know that's that's vulnerability.

So I think it's a little bit of both, and it's scary.

And that's probably why you've avoided having those kinds of direct conversations with people, because you do like to be light and breezy and airy and a good time.

But the way is crushing you because you're taking on too much and you're not being authentic to yourself.

I already have a work life that is a mother load.

People are constantly like, I can't believe what you do.

And that's so nice that they say that, But that's what I have to do for my life, but for my personal life, I also feel too.

That's what's been happening.

And what I've noticed is a pattern that I need to break is that men is when they meet me and they hear what I'm going through, I think what they're listening to, I'm not listening to.

That's a great accomplishment, that's a great accomplishment.

They're like, it's too much.

I want to take her away and bring her home and keep her home and keep her safe so she doesn't have to do anything.

But then they're not trying to keep me safe.

They're just pulling me away from what I'm doing and I'm not feeling secure and I'm not feeling I'm not feeling good.

Yeah, it's like, you can't both.

You can't have me working hard and then being like, Okay, she's got to be like the girl from Illinois.

I am the girl from Illinois.

That's who I am.

I wouldn't be able to do the things I do if I weren't that girl from Illinois.

I think twenty twenty six is the year of leaving less blank spaces to be filled in by somebody else and filling them in ourselves.

And if we have the pen in our hand, we are in control of what's being written.

And that is what you're going to do in twenty twenty six.

You're going to stop leaving these blank spaces for these guys to fill in the holes, and you're going to write in and you're going to express to them what you are looking for.

Kelly, I love you so much, and I'm sorry to hear about this breakup, but I'm really excited about what this year could be for you.

And we're going to take our listeners on this journey once again, because it's I Do Part two and you're looking for your part two.

You want to get married and find love, and I have no doubt that you're going to find it.

I love you, Heather, Thank you for that.

I really really really appreciate your constructive criticism and amazing thoughts to make me better.

I want to be better and I want to I want to I want to full, I want to feel full, but I'm just I mean the most important part of this breakup is that I felt love for the first time of my life, and I'm very, very very grateful for that.

That's amazing.

You have to feel full on your own, not from somebody else coming into your life.

So we'll work on that this year.

But I love you.

That's for another episode.

Thank you so much for joining us today and I do Part two.

You can follow us Instagram.

Everything is in the show notes.

We are here for you, guys.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for coming on my journey with me.

I appreciate you and love you.

I do Part two.

We're falling in love is always the main objective.