If you need to pick somebody to feel worthy, you'll tolerate anything to stay picked.

Pick Niesha, all right, you will tolerate anything to stay picked by that person because your worth comes from that person.

Hey, babe, it's an Asia Christina.

This is quality clean control.

What is happening?

Hello, my loves, Welcome back the Quality Queen Control.

We are back at it again with another episode any other one.

If this is your first time here, welcome, and if you've actually been here for a while, I want to say, you know, I know what we get into and what we talk about the things that people actually need to hear.

And sometimes that's gonna look like dating advice.

Sometimes that's gonna look like we're gonna talk about Jesus.

Okay, I'm representing.

I'm repping Jesus everywhere that I go, honestly.

So yeah, how cute, guys.

I want to say this is from Sheen shocking, I know, but amazing quality wash this three times already.

But that's not why you're here.

Let's get into this episode.

Today's episode is for the people that are exhausted, not because life is hard, but because you're constantly waiting on someone else to probably tell you that you're okay or on the flip side, you're identifying with this because you've dealt with a lot of people in your lifetime like this and on that spectrum.

I'm on that end, and I really wanted to talk about this.

I actually filmed and a little chat that I have yet to post on Instagram.

Make sure you're following me on Instagram?

What are you doing if you're not following me on Instagram?

And it really actually inspired this episode for me to go more in depth with why people seek validation and what that looks like.

So I want to expose it from the side of things where people may experience hunting and seeking validation, but also I want to touch on how exhausting it is for people that honestly really don't share that same sentiment and hopefully everyone can relate.

And so speaking of validation, we're talking about why we crave it.

We're talking about.

Honestly, how it quietly does run our relationships.

All right, This goes for platonic and romantic dynamics and why we feel that we consistently need this and how it actually is going to be costing you your piece if you are someone that identifies with constantly seeking validation.

So listen, this is not going to be a judgment episode.

Even now I would love to judge, but I'm not m This is more about clarity, all right, So what actually is seeking validation?

Well, honestly, if we're going to be honest here, what validation seeking actually looks like, it's important to unpack that because it's actually not always that obvious.

Yes, so it can obviously look like needing assurance after every disagreement it's gonna be okay, we're good, We're good.

Can I just tell you, honestly, it is so exhausting to be someone that actually like means what they say.

So and I get it, we all have experience in people pleasing.

That's a separate subject, but it's exhausting to actually address someone and no matter how much assurance you give them, they actually choose to not believe you.

I'm saying this as someone that doesn't really veer on the scope of overall seeking validation all of the time.

I feel it's kind of offensive.

It is.

It's kind of offensive because it makes me feel like you just don't believe me, and I'm not understanding why, because I'm telling the truth, and then it then makes me feel like you're lying.

I'm just gonna keep it a bug.

I don't really know it, I'll thinking you.

But it can also look like over explaining yourself right so that no one misunderstands you.

This is something I can align with.

I used to be the type of person where I would genuinely over explain things because I didn't want to be misunderstood.

And that's the honest truth.

Or you're checking your phone every five seconds to see who viewed, liked your story, who responded to you posting, who was engaging with you the most, like you actually check those things.

And the reason it matters is because some of you are not even influencers, and you're sitting here checking your phone like that.

What is the how?

What is the deal?

And then I'm here on there's obviously unhealthy dynamics as well, where you have some influencers.

I'm an Influenzi armais, and you have people that have an unhealthy relationship with constantly checking their social media.

And I'm sorry, but even I get tired of people who like are.

Obsessed with their phones.

I'm not, and it's my job to constantly be on my phone, and I'm not constantly obsessed with my phone.

I don't always feel like the camera needs to eat for I eat, because sometimes I'm just a little too agree for that.

Relax.

But I also understand that it's always great to have good footage on your phone.

You guys are picking up on I'm laying down.

You understand what.

I'm saying and honestly checking your engagement to decide how you feel about yourself.

Oh like, uh man, did they?

Did they not think I was pretty enough?

I feel like this post deserve more likes?

Who looked at my story?

Does that mean that?

Like?

And you're like contemplating on like what.

People think of you and how they view you because of their engagement with your story.

And I'm not talking about from the end of only being an influencer, I mean just in general, if you're someone that lives your life like that, you have to stop, okay, also feeling uneasy when someone pulls back even slightly.

This is something I can genuinely relate to because I am the type of friend where I will be there for all of the important moments in your life.

I mean all of them.

I'm always also a phone call away.

Like I am going to pick up my phone always.

However, physically I always.

I have a very busy schedule I tend and also I'm working on my time management.

Can I be transparent?

I am working on my time management.

Luckily today as we're shooting this, my producer and I we are running on time.

Law.

I love it.

And you know, with that being said, for me, like working out my schedule and like having to always be somewhere is probably not the best for me at.

Least right now.

But I say all that to say, like I'm always a phone call away people that are close to me.

Do you understand that I will always pick up my phone anytime my friends call on me.

However, the point of me bringing this up is when people I tend to notice in my personal life.

And please comment down below if you were you can relate to this or DM me about this, because I want to talk to you about this in the DMS.

I notice that in my life, I start to notice people's unhealthy patterns of who's going to last in my life or not based off of how they respond to me just naturally pulling away because of life.

I'm not pulling away because I dislike the person.

I'm not pulling away because it's intentional.

Life just happens.

But it's essentially maybe we're not texting every single day like we used to.

Maybe I'm we're not hanging out as much as we used to.

But it doesn't mean I have a problem with you, doesn't mean I'm secretly having any sort of feelings negative feelings about you.

It's just me living my own life.

And I easily can spot out the longevity of a friendship how people respond to that distance with myself, and so that is a need of validation, and so for me, people that tend to veer on that side do not end up lasting in a relation in a friendship with me because I'm not that way.

And if you need your hand to be held in a friendship, I'm really just not the person to do it, obviously depending on the context.

But if you need someone that's constantly going to be around you, constantly texting you, constantly all the time, like and I can't live my own life or and then you the way you respond to me living my own life is you start to hoard all of these made up fans, sees and offenses to try and convince yourself of why I'm acting this way to make yourself feel like validated and back you have to go.

Okay, you genuinely have to go or you know you are the person that seeks validation when you only feel calm after someone is affirming you.

Oh well, I just want to make sure that we're good.

I remember I used to have a friendship where it's like, oh uh, well, I mean I haven't heard from you in a couple of days.

I was just worried.

I was just stop.

Some of you are closeting your worry as when it's really just concern about you being wanting that validation of knowing well, I just want to make sure we're good, and you're trying to closet it and mask it as I was just worried about you.

No, you're not worried about that person.

You're worried about you.

You're worried about where you stand with that person, and if you really dig deeper into the layers, I get so triggered by that.

And I know that some people have concern, but I think as you like grow in wisdom and discernment again, people in relationships are my ministry.

It's my thing that Jesus has gifted me with where I can tell where it's coming from.

I can tell when someone's like, hey, just checking on you.

There's this uh now, there's this feeling that it brings to your nervous system where it's actually very calming, like, huh, this person's checking on me, versus an anxious person, which tends to be people that do seek validation a lot of the time because they tend to be very controlling.

These tend to be the type of people that they're checking on you, and you actually feel anxiety engaging with the person because you feel like, oh my gosh, this person is so consuming.

If I don't answer them, it's going to feed a narrative.

If I do answer them, I don't even know how long this conversation is going to go on.

And I don't feel like being picked at and prodded at and asked so many questions.

All right, So staying in situations that don't align with you simply just to be chosen is also a way of see making validation, all right.

And most people, by the way, who seek validation, they don't think that they're insecure, But you are, babes, you are.

But obviously you ask.

Them, and it's no, I'm a very thoughtful person, I'm very self aware.

I'm very emotionally intelligent.

Sometimes that may be true, but a lot of times I don't know if it necessarily is.

So, when validation becomes your oxygen, all right, of course, silence is going to feel like rejection.

And that's going to hit a nerve.

So now every pause feels personal to you, Every delay can feel like abandonment to you.

Every neutral response feels like disapproval.

You need to know, definitively in a way that's crafted, that makes sense to you, what this person meant when they said this or when they did this.

Do you not realize in hindsight that that's you trying to control the outcomes of other people and making it about you.

Okay, then that's not peace.

That's something that we'd like to call emotional dependency, all right, So just remember that when validation feels like it's becoming your oxygen, silence will always feel like rejection, even when it absolutely has nothing to do with you.

Where does this come from?

What is the root cause of validation?

And this is not to shame anyone in any capacity.

Validation seeking does not just come from absolutely nowhere.

It actually comes from a time in your life where the love felt conditional.

Right, So maybe you were praised for your performance but not your actual presence.

So what does that mean?

You become a very performative person, right, You're doing things because you know it's going to get the praise of others.

But you know that if you did not perform within these parameters or in this capacity, that your presence actually wouldn't really matter, and that's going to create a deep wound inside of you.

Maybe you learned that being life liked doesn't feel safe.

A lot of this happens, you know, as we grow up.

We are pack.

Animals, okay, and we all want to feel included.

When you are in middle school and high school and all of those things, it's all about social inclusion, right.

Being the odd man out and being the person that is not like the others is not really your aspiration.

You want to actually kind of blend in, and if you do stand out, you want to stand out in a way that is you know, extremely admired, you know what I mean.

But you guys are picking up when I'm laying down.

Maybe also you had to be good or you had to be understanding, or you had to be low maintenance to stay connected, and some this can look like actually a multitude of things.

This could look like the girl that's like.

Not like the other girls because she gets dressed in five minutes and she doesn't wear so much makeup, like it's giving very much, no offense to my to my girl Tay Swift, but it's giving very much.

She wear shit, it's I weirdy shits like it's giving just comparison because you never feel chosen and that my friend has a bunch of cousins and makes you not the best person to be in a relationship with romantically or platonically because you become a very comparative and competitive person.

Oh I know this.

Yeah, better listen to this over and over again because I know it's definitely hitting.

Okay again, no judgment, but this is just the harsh reality.

So now, as a result, as an adult, your.

Nervous system is always asking you, am I okay?

Am I chosen?

Am I enough?

What else can I do?

And it's so bombarding that in hindsight, I don't think that individuals that suffer from these type of you know, concerns, they don't realize that their behavior actually ends up creating and manufacturing an outcome that they actually don't desire, and then that further validates the wound that they have of feeling like they need approval from others, feeling like everyone is just leaving them.

Because it all stems from the control of performing or you know, wanting to be chosen, and you know, being hyper vigilant about certain things just so that you can feel safe in a dynamic, and you become a bottomless pit essentially, So instead of answering the questions of am I enough, am I okay?

Am I chosen?

Internally, you tend to outsource those things solely externally.

But this is what I want you to sit with, right, People who.

Are constantly seeking validation aren't necessarily lacking the confidence, but they've outsourced their worth, which actually is making you lack the confidence because you're putting so much onto other people.

And anytime your worth obviously lives in sight one else, something else, your peace will always be fragile.

You're always going to be interrupted, You're always going to be sent into spirals of overthinking and all these different things, and again it becomes really difficult to coexist.

With people like this harmoniously, because there's almost inevitably all ways an issue, all ways drama, always the need.

It sends other people, you know, people that are around these people.

It sends you into a spiral where you're participating in ways that are enabling these people's behavior.

You're feeling like you have to constantly reassure these people.

You're feeling like you have to over explain yourself, You're feeling like you have to perform in a certain manner to make this person feel loved and appreciated.

But it's unhealthy.

Because when this is a wound of yours, you become a bottomless pit.

So childhood inconsistency, right, This is an example where love has felt conditional in your life, or if you were being praised for your performance and not your presence, or if you were in environments that rewarded perfection over authenticity, or if you've had past relationships that it felt like the love had to be earned.

Oh, my goodness, ladies, we can all relate to situations where it felt like we had to earn the affection of a man.

And depending on, of course, your environment and whether or not you had a healthy relationship with your father growing up, or a healthy male figure in your life growing up.

This is definitely going to be a very tough one to get over, but we'll get into that a little bit later.

The issue is, and this is from my faith forward, girlies, the issue is, if you don't know who you are rooted in.

Okay, you see this for those of you that are watching Jesus, You're gonna let people name you, You're gonna let people label you if you don't know where you are rooted, where you are planted.

There's so many things in the world that we can try and put our identity in.

And trust me, like people that have now come to the realization that, man, I want to try this God thing out.

I want to discover who Jesus Christ is.

These people wake up and they're like, wait, how come nothing else gave me this much peace.

I was searching and doing all these other things, and you know, I was in a retreat in Bali and trying whatever the case is, and nothing really worked.

I felt like I was constantly on a cycle.

Is your life going to just all of a sudden be perfect when you give your life to Christ.

No, but it gives you peace in the midst of the storm, and it gives you this like compassion and this understanding that is genuinely supernatural, and it gives you a resilience to endure the trials and tribulations that you face.

Okay, so what is the difference between validation versus confirmation?

This is where a lot of us get confused, because there actually is a difference between validation and confirmation.

Validation says, tell me that I'm enough confirmations as well, I know who I am.

I'm just checking alignment.

That's what it is, which is why you can identify with someone when you can tell that they're trying to paint a picture of you that is inaccurate.

It's like no, no, no, no, I know who I am.

So anytime someone tries to project or push a narrative onto you that you know is not accurate at the root, you don't align with that.

You don't try to change your behavior or switch up to align with making yourself more palatable for someone else.

And this is not something that's easy.

I think you grow into this the more mature and wiser that you become, So secure people they're not phishing for approval.

Do you like this?

Do you like this.

There is nothing more annoying than being around someone that is always phishing for compliments.

They always have to call to attention.

Their achievements call to attention, how they look, call to attention.

Whatever they're doing, they're constantly doing it.

And there's a part of them that it feels like, well, if I don't do this, then I'm not going to get the praise, or there could be another part of them that feels like I deserve this, so I want to fish for compliments.

But that's a different story.

But secure people, they're listening for confirmation, and this is the thing.

When you are someone that's constantly seeking validation, Unfortunately, there will come a time where the people around you are being performative because you're probably exhausting to them.

And that's the truth, right, So you know, secure people are not going to be asking do you like me?

You know they're asking does this align with who I already know myself to be?

That's the question, and that shift alone is going to change how you date, how you communicate, and also how you move throughout the world.

Does this align with who I already know myself to be?

That is the number one question.

So now let's get on into the dating, right, How does validation show up in dating?

Okay, because this is where validatation seeking shows up very loudly here.

All right, it looks like texting too much just to feel secure, all right, it looks and then doing it in the name of I just want to be vulnerable, I just want.

To be transparent.

Now you're being anxious, You're being that you're trying to seek validation from somebody, ignoring red flags because the attention of the person that you want feels like affection.

All right.

It's confusing chemistry with compatibility.

Newsflash.

You will have chemistry with a lot of people in your life, but that doesn't make you compatible with them long term or choosing to feel chosen, thinking that feeling chosen equals feeling valuable.

People don't realize this, especially if you're a serial monogamous.

You don't realize that your value comes from how you feel whenever you're with a man.

Whenever you're with a man, there's a version of you that you like more.

Feeling chosen by this person equates to I have value.

And this is also especially the older that you get in your thirties.

Ladies like all of a sudden, it does feel like your value in society is heavily rooted and based on whether or not you're married at a certain age or whether or not you have children at a certain age, and that just becomes the number one question.

But this is the hard truth, right, if you need to pick somebody to feel worthy, you'll.

Tolerate anything to stay picked.

Pickniesha, all right, you will tolerate anything to stay picked by that person because your worth comes from that person.

You're gonna minimize your own needs.

You're going to over extend, thinking this is.

Just how I love.

You're going to abandon your own boundaries so that you can continue to have access to this person.

You do all this, and then you can go one or two ways, feeling so hurt and low and rejected that you just self pity.

Or you will victimize yourself by thinking, well, I don't understand what I did to like get to this point, all these different things, victimizing yourself, not realizing you are an active participant in your own misfortune.

Okay, this is how people will lose themselves in relationships, not because they loved so deeply, but it's because they did not love themselves securely.

End of story.

That's the thing right there.

People want a desired outcome, and they'll say anything, Like I was telling one of my friends this like last year, when you want to get serious about dating, you're gonna have to say no to a lot of the things that you used to say yes to, say maybe to, Like you're gonna have to say no like ninety percent of the time, and it's gonna minimize your options so much that, Yeah, you're gonna go through a period where you feel isolated, you feel alone, you feel like will anyone ever meet these standards?

And it's going to make you feel like, maybe I should just put up with this, Maybe I should just settle with this, because the way you feel is just it just outweighs what's It's this mentality of.

By any means necessary.

I need to get the desired outcome because this is what I want for myself now for my faith forward, girlies, let's have a little chat.

If God has already affirmed you, why are you still auditioning?

We need to reframe how we are viewing dating, like bring it back to day old days.

I think I gave this example on another podcast where I was talking about the fact that when we were younger, do you guys remember how guys would really have to like prove themselves to us, Like I'm talking as young as even like five, Like maybe you might like think a boy is cute, it's very innocent, but you're not like chasing necessarily after the boy and all these different things.

And even I'll say at the age of nine and ten or even thirteen, maybe not these this day and age being thirteen, I don't know, girl, But when you're very young, you guys understand and relate to what I'm talking about, where you're not so easily phased by oh, this boy likes you and you're just like, oh really, and you're just head over heels like you will experience I would like to think at least one relationship throughout the duration of your life where a guy really genuinely had to prove himself to you.

And maybe he didn't really like him that much, or maybe you were kind of unsure and then you ended up.

Liking the guy.

But the point is is like that man still had to prove that he was worthy of you, you know, choosing him to date or engaging with him, right, So you should not be auditioning.

I feel like as we get older, we tend to reverse things, and all of a sudden, we're proving our worth to men.

We're trying to earn the affection of men because it feels like a genuine consolation prize.

It was so hard for me to get to this point.

I can't give up.

Now I got a stay out.

I got to see it through.

Oh now I prove to him and myself that I got this thing.

No, ladies, that's how men are supposed to feel about us.

That's not how we're supposed to feel about them.

Are we good?

Are you well?

Are you okay?

So if your identity is settled, then why does approval for things still feel like that's your currency?

See the thing about Jesus is he actually withdrew quite often.

Everybody didn't get access to him, everybody didn't get explanations, and yet he was still a secure person.

When your identity is rooted and anchored in Christ, validation will then become optional.

It don't matter.

It don't matter if you feel this way, because I know how I feel.

And again, this is something you become more comfortable with accepting and actively executing.

The more wiser you become, and the more bolder you become and secure you become in yourself and who you actually are.

And it's not because you don't care right about people what people have to say.

It's because you're no longer empty, so you don't need the validation of other people.

If you know for a fact you are doing the right thing and you were on the right track, You're not this open source for people to project and interject their own opinions and insecurities onto.

So being addicted to approval is going to keep you busy but endlessly unfulfilled.

All right, how do we break this cycle?

Well, one, if you want to stop seeking validation, okay, take a pause on your responses, stop you know, explaining everything immediately.

I just because you also, these people that seek validation all also tend to be very impulsive.

You have a lot going on.

They tend to be anxious, controlling, and impulsive, okay, because they just how they feel matters more.

And what they don't realize is it's actually a self centered way to be because everything is me, me, me, me me, Everything.

Literally feels like it's about them.

And so when you come in as a healthy person, you realize these people cycle patterns dynamics friends partners quite often because people get exhausted of having to perform to reassure these people all the time, leaving those people that are constantly seeking validation feeling abandoned, feeling rejected, and further validating the wound that they already have.

But again, they don't realize that they are the ones that are actively creating it and participating in it.

Sit with the silence.

You don't need to fill every gap.

I remember a long time ago one of my friends, she always was feeling so anxious about she has to respond to every single text message, every single email, every single this There was this urgency to have to do everything all the time.

Or even myself.

I remember one time I was dating this guy and I for some reason, like whenever things would just be like it felt awkward to me, like it was actually awkward, and I'm not an awkward person.

And I do remember him telling me, like, you know, like I notice you, like you speak whenever there was like silence and a gap, and that was very eye opening for me because I actually am not an anxious person, but in that particular context, I was, and I felt like.

Okay, this is kind of awkward.

I feel like I should kind of like say something just to fill the space, because like it's just like awkward silence.

And I actually liked that he brought that into my awareness, and that was one of the things that always stuck with me, Like I'm okay with.

Just being still and silent.

Also ask yourself this, am I sharing things to be to express myself?

Or am I sharing things so that I can be affirmed even more?

All right?

And you should actually practice affirming yourself out loud.

Yes, this actually matters.

Affirming yourself self out loud.

People do what they say affirmations and things like that all the time.

Girl speaks in scripture over you, all right, pick an emotion, find a Bible verse that matches that.

All right.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

I am a child of God.

The list goes on and on, all right.

And strengthen your inner life so that all the external noise loses power.

And how you're gonna go about doing this, it's gonna be very uncomfortable for you because it's gonna be a lot of silence, and that tells you where you are in your progress.

If you're so un happy sitting with yourself where you feel like I must do something I must Maybe I'm a hang out with this person.

Oh, let me hit up this person like girl.

If you can't sit with yourself, why should other people sit with you?

You're sick of you?

You think we're not sick of you either.

Make that make sense.

If you don't like yourself, why do you want other people to like you?

Hm, it's just it's food for thought.

So I'm gonna leave you with this.

The more that you know who you are, the less you need permission to be yourself.

The version of yourself that feels excited because you found a new crew of friends, the version of yourself that feels excited because you just found a new relationship.

You should also have that version of yourself by yourself.

Yes, people around us being you know, having community can enhance us one hundred percent.

I'm not against that.

But if you are only feeling like you are your best self whenever there's a new, new, new, new, new new new all the time, that's something to reflect on because it gives you a sense of purpose.

Oh, I don't have to be alone now, I can go do this.

I can fill my time with this.

That's telling you right there, you don't want to sit with yourself.

And the question is, well, why why do I not like my own presence?

But I want other people to tell rate it?

HM right, So, if you guys have loved this conversation, I want you to share it with someone who is tired of proving themselves.

Share it with someone who is tired of dealing with people who are constantly trying to prove themselves and trying to reassure them.

Do it all okay, Like, we need to make sure that we are not gatekeeping here.

For those of you that have enjoyed this, make sure that you were also rating it as well.

Tag me on Instagram if you guys are listening to this, if you're watching it visually, I love you.

Do not forget that God loves you too.

Protect your peace and I'll talk to you beautiful angels in my next episode.

Wow