BDSM Reddit Response

Episode Transcript

You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast episode four sixty one.

Lords here with the one, the only, thank God you put up with my bullshit forever and always.

Jump around still.

I don't even know what to say to that.

I I wanna point out I have not been throwing as much bullshit at you for over the past couple days as you will.

That's true.

That is true.

Because I've been distracted.

You have.

Those distractions are now driving home tomorrow.

So day after recording I'm not sure how I feel about that.

So the bullshit is coming.

Aren't you excited?

You're so lucky.

Aren't you so lucky?

Look, for the record, you consent to this.

You signed up for this.

Good thing the weather is nice.

I can spend more time in tiny shop.

You know, I'm so glad the weather is nice too because I would be willing to follow you out there and stand in the tiny shop for you.

But it's too tiny.

Anyway, so we're I mean, that's always what we're talking about to some degree, but actually this week, we're gonna respond to some post, from the kinky side of Reddit because, you know, I don't I don't think my blood pressure needs to go up, but I do think what I do when my blood pressure goes up is probably needed.

I need a bit of a palate cleanser and clear things out.

That's that's this is my story, and I'm sticking to it.

Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast.

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If you're back for another week, welcome back.

Loving BDSM is produced sometimes on Mondays and every Friday for your kinky pleasure in education, and show notes are found at lovingbdsm.net.

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That PC stands for podcast.

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All links are in the show notes.

Okay.

So before we get into the Reddit posts, quick reminder, our holiday tier on Patreon is still open.

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Link in the place is for that.

And that this week is my only damn announcement.

Announcement only.

Wow.

I kinda kept it simple because I kinda fucking needed to.

I will whine about that in the bonus section.

Okay.

Let's get into this.

This first one was sent to you by Silent Wing.

Thank you, Silent.

And also it has introduced me to a subreddit I did not know existed.

And it's the subreddit is softer BDSM, which means there will just like we did the hard top soft top episode, there's probably gonna we're gonna have to have a conversation in the future about soft BDSM and hard BDSM because y'all know I had thoughts the moment I saw this.

This is pretty, pretty straightforward.

It says, what do you say to the people who say soft kink and BDSM is just quote vanilla with sprinkles?

I know many of us have experienced experienced that and I started calling, it soft shaming.

You know, the people that think that what we do isn't kinky.

What do you say to those people?

Is there a conversation to be had about the idea of soft kink?

I went to the subreddit's explanation.

If if for anybody who's like what the fuck does soft kink even mean?

The way they defined it on their subreddit was it is the side of kink that is more caregiving, nurturing, without pain, humiliation.

It is the everything is meant to be very pleasurable without Okay.

Right.

Now I do I mean, I I do have thoughts because I think when we do things like soft kink, hard kink, soft dom, hard dom, we put people in boxes that don't allow them to, like anyway, that's not what the question's about, but that's that's where my mind goes when we talk about this.

Mhmm.

So soft kink is just vanilla with sprinkles.

What the fuck does that even mean?

Yeah.

What the fuck?

You know, it it's like it's like anything else.

And I mean, in this lifestyle, it is a wide spectrum.

Yes.

Okay?

Absolutely.

So, you know, all that's doing is giving a name to something on one end of the spectrum.

Yes.

Which I respect that.

I get that.

Yeah.

I mean, you know, as a personal human, I would not use it, but I get it.

I get what we're doing.

Some people need and want names for things.

And, you know, that's that's really all that is.

You know, the call it soft kink, soft BDSM, that should tell you something right there.

I mean, the fact that kink is in the game, then it is not vanilla with sprinkles.

Fuck you and that bullshit.

Vanilla with sprinkles does two things.

One, I think it, diminishes what BDSM and kink can be.

But at the same time, it kind of diminishes what vanilla is.

I'm sorry.

Vanilla with sprinkles and you call your partner daddy and and your daddy gives you 10 rules and a bedtime, I know a lot of non kinksters who'd be like, you can miss me with that shit.

Right?

So they would not consider that sprinkles on top of their non kink life.

Like, that's the moment you enter into anything that can be classified under the mass of fucking umbrella that is BDSM, it is by definition no longer vanilla.

Yeah.

It's not kinky if it is kinky.

I think You know, what you what you just, explained about how this, you know, may not have, a lot of the humiliation and a lot of the the, you know, the masochism, sadism element.

The softer gentler side of that, essentially.

Shit.

I hate it when that happens.

Shit.

And it was good too.

I bet it was.

Shit.

It'll come back to you.

If you if you'd give me a couple more, like, keywords, maybe I can Oh.

There we go.

You know, having that said, what is the element of, power exchange within this?

What do you mean?

At that point.

Well, you know, if you don't have, say it isn't asking, you don't have, you know, anything like that, what how what would be the element of power exchange?

So you mean like the type?

Yeah.

I mean, you know Is that a facetious question or rhetorical question?

No.

Want an answer.

It's I don't know.

I don't know.

It's just more of a But I mean, you know, it for it to be kink, there's gotta be some element of something in there.

Control and somebody has given up control.

Yes.

A 100%.

I guess that's what I'm trying to get at.

Well, it it sounds to me like what you're saying is it it is power exchange regardless of the the flavor, the level, the how soft or hard your pillow is.

Much.

You know, vanilla was and, you know, peep when they say people who say it, do they mean other kinksters who somehow, air quote, look down on a gentler side of kink that doesn't maybe is not quite as these are subjective terms, but not quite as strict, not quite as intense, not you know what I mean?

That's not cool but that's unfortunately human nature.

Is it I can't imagine it's outsiders because most non kinksters who've never flirted with kink in their life will look at what any of us do across any part of the kink spectrum and think, woah.

That's too much.

Like, that's gotta come from kinksters.

Right?

If not ew, then, oh my god.

What are those people doing?

Right?

And it doesn't and that's the thing, this whole this idea of, you know, our air quote, whatever this is, our side of BDSM, whatever part of the spectrum around, is somehow better than somebody else's part of the spectrum or BDSM.

It's all bullshit because quite frankly, the rest of the world that's not kinky don't give a fuck whether you're soft or hard or moderately comfortable.

And that's and that's it.

And that's all kink.

And that's the other side to this is, it doesn't fucking matter what other people think as long as what you're doing and is what you want to do, you're having fun doing it.

It's something you enjoy.

Satisfying and you're not hurting Whatever.

And you're not hurting anybody.

Right.

Uh-uh.

Yeah.

I mean Unless it's consensual.

Unless it's consensual, of course.

But, you know, pretty much that's it.

Mhmm.

You know?

Do it do be you.

Right.

Exactly.

Be you.

That I think and this is not a full on I've not thought about this.

I've not read up on this.

These are just, like, where my mind goes immediately.

It's part of why I don't even like the soft versus the hard because there it does a few things.

One, it it means that there will be people on the the air quote hard side who then diminish or look down upon the soft side.

There will be people on the soft side who and this is true always, so I know this is not maybe a reason to dislike terms but this is me and this is how I feel.

You know?

Then you've got the oh those scary kink people, Let me just stay over here where it's safe and it's nice.

And I would imagine anybody who has that attitude, yeah, you're probably gonna get called vanilla with sprinkles because if you if you are within the kink world and you were fucking doing kink, I don't care.

Soft mattress, firm mattress, I don't fucking care.

You decide that person's kink over there is somehow wrong.

You are just as bad as anybody else.

It's a form of kink shaming.

So Mhmm.

Folks who are not into the air quote softer side, kink shaming by calling it vanilla with sprinkles, that's some bullshit.

Stop that.

But if you were on the air quote softer side and you're like, oh, those scary dark kinky people who do the mean thing, like, come on.

Like, we're all just, like, living our best deviant fucking life with an entire world who would a 100% happily look down upon all of us regardless of where we're at.

What what part of the kink world we're fucking in.

So, what do I say to people who say, you know, vanilla sprinkles?

Fuck you, is what I would say.

Like, what what who cares?

What what does that even mean?

What Yeah.

What?

That's what I would say.

Do you have anything?

No.

Okay.

Oh, gosh.

Okay.

Let's go to the next one.

Some of these are long, and this is one of them.

And I gotta do that old lady thing to get to the screen.

So here we go.

I am the, quote, third woman and got dumped when the couple closed their open relationship.

How do I recover when the, the DS relationship ended this ugly?

I had a sexual relationship deep DS dynamic with a man x who is in an open relationship.

We met weekly for over three years and did everything that could be imagined in dreamy DS relationship.

I am also in a very established open relationship with my partner.

My husband and I live together and my husband knew everything about my relationship with Man X.

Man X is in an open relationship with his wife and they live together.

I received a message from Man X's wife that he has cheated on her with me.

I'm in shock because Man X has assured me that his wife is up to date on the quality of our DS relationship and they have been discussing it at home just like I have been discussing it with my own husband and updating them as the relationship deepened and feelings and love arose for both me and Man X.

I was happier than ever to trust their strong relationship and enjoying the ride with Man X.

So I've been lied to and made into a cheater without me knowing.

I feel sick and used.

In their open relationship between Man X and his wife, there has been a rule that everything, sex, etcetera, must be discussed before it can be done with others.

Man X has not discussed and asked permission but lied to his wife.

Everything in our DS relationship has been based on trust and openness, at least from, you know, my perspective.

That's what I thought.

So I am asking, has anyone been in a similar situation and survived?

I recognize that it is difficult that all contact with me stopped immediately because they closed their relationship aiming to save it.

I understand and accept it.

I'm ready to do anything.

Oh goodness.

I'm ready to the wife that gets so the wife gets a better situation, she is obviously crushed.

There were words missing there.

Sorry.

Yeah.

But I can't say that it wouldn't feel absolutely horrible when the person who has been my partner friend suddenly left my life without even, you know, one conversation.

So now I'm left alone to deal with everything.

I'm not able to receive explanations or answers to my questions of the situation.

I have also been lied to and obviously Man X broke my boundaries by lying about the situation.

I'm really broken and I feel guilty and sympathetic towards Man X's wife so I don't dare face my own sadness and bad feelings about losing Man X because it doesn't feel right.

My sadness and sorrow feels kind of feels greedy and twisted when compared to what she's going through.

Even though Man X swore he loved me and promised to be in my life for years, in reality I feel like that was just a lie, a worthless sub, and an easy target to exploit and manipulate.

I find it very difficult that after years of serving and submitting to Man X, how can I now break our deep connection and d s dynamic alone?

How can I stop being his sub?

Am I allowed to miss him in our dynamic still?

How can I do the healing alone?

If anyone has any tips, I will be grateful for those.

Let me back real quick while it's fresh on my mind.

Yeah.

Ninety nine point nine percent of breakups, you're gonna do the healing alone.

It don't matter how the breakup occurred.

That's part of the breakup.

If they were there to help with the healing, you wouldn't have been broken up.

True.

So I just wanted to say that.

Go ahead.

Yeah.

Where where what are your thoughts?

Because this one's a fucking doozy.

Yeah.

It is.

Wow.

Three years.

That kind of And apparently lying to everybody the whole time.

Yep.

You know, I I totally understand, being in the feels with this.

Oh, sure.

Of course.

Okay.

Of course.

But, you didn't lose much.

No.

You you lost what you thought was a deep connection, and that person's been lying to all of their partners Right.

The whole time.

Mhmm.

Yeah.

That's, yeah.

That's a hot mess.

I mean, there's layers here because I personally again, there's what is like big picture probably, you know, best practices versus personal preference.

I am deeply uncomfortable that the relationship that they had for their open relationship is that everything done with another partner had to be approved by the existing partner.

I'm not personally very comfortable with that thought because that means this person who is not part of the the dynamic between these two has a say over the dynamic between these two.

So that does not excuse lying, that does not excuse, being dishonest to both of your partners until something like this happens.

But that may that makes me very uncomfortable because who am I to say what you, JB, can do with another partner whom I have nothing to do with and that relationship is not about me?

So my initial thought on that because it makes again, everybody can see things differently and fine.

These are my personal opinions because that makes me feel uncomfortable.

I'm already a little uncomfortable about what was going on over there anyway.

Mhmm.

That does not excuse him lying.

That does not excuse Yeah.

You know, not if he agreed to follow those fucking rules, then he should have fucking abided by them unless he, you know, renegotiated.

I'm I would be curious to know how the wife approached this partner.

Mhmm.

Was it accusatory, which it is not this partner's fault, if they were basing their what they did on what their partner told them Right.

What the this dude told them.

Or was it, hey.

You need to know this?

I don't know.

Yeah.

I can understand from a you are my spouse who, you know, we did this thing open thing, but you lied for three years.

I can understand not being comfortable with there being ongoing communication with that partner, but it is not we have to assume what we read here is fairly accurate.

It is not this sub's fault.

Right.

And And they have now been left hanging with nothing.

Now no hey, I fucked up.

No.

Hey, I meant this, but, you know, I've gotta go do this.

It sounds like it's been just everything shut down.

And and that that's what I've been thinking too, you know.

I I hope this person does not internalize it.

They are.

Clearly from this their questions they have.

They are saying to themselves and out loud to us that they don't think they are allowed to face their own grief because the other partner was also hurt.

No.

You're allowed to grieve and be pissed off because he hurt both of you.

Exactly.

Because he lied to both of you.

It it it is not your fault.

Mhmm.

Okay?

It is not your fault.

You were lied to just as much as the wife was lied to.

I know.

And there's a part of me that would like to have that, like, movie moment of where actually these instead of fighting with each other, these two people, like, collaborate to take that motherfucker down.

You know, I don't know.

But, you know, I've Rut roast.

I just feel like if there was that much control in an open relationship that a partner not involved with this other relationship had any say, then I can't ima and now the immediate response is to shut everything down to try to fix their relationship.

I'm not sure how you fix lying to your spouse for three fucking years.

Not sure how you fix that.

But I also wonder what other issues are there because this is never, the the only thing happening.

There's all kinds of other things happening.

Was he under that rule because he had done this shit before?

Was he under that rule and agreed to it knowing he was gonna disregard it?

You know?

Are there was this never really, like, a a healthy, open relationship to begin with, and now this poor person who, you know, is feels like the the other woman is caught in the crossfires because two people who hadn't dealt with their shit decided to try to make this the way they dealt with their shit.

Yeah.

I Who knows?

Because, you know, the part in there where he goes, they were made into a cheater.

No.

You weren't You didn't do shit.

You didn't do shit.

He was a cheater.

Right.

That's and I want this person to get angry about that.

Yeah.

It can take some people don't, and I wish more people did, but sometimes it just takes a while.

You gotta go through the heartbreak and the grief and the shock of all of it ending out of nowhere and all of this stuff, like, learning all of these details, and dealing with the aftermath.

But what I hope is this person gets pissed off.

Mhmm.

That's what I hope is.

What they need to do.

Mhmm.

Yeah.

Because right now, they feel like they have done something wrong, which makes me curious again what was said by their dom's wife when they were notified of what was happening.

You know, I I get that it is a common reaction when you find out a partner has cheated and lied or whatever with another human to blame that other human and maybe sometimes, sure, there's something to that but often, too often, everybody was lied to and the only person who you need to be mad at is the one who was lying to everybody.

And, you know, the thing is, in whatever way this breakup occurred, and this is this is wild and there's a lot here, it I haven't come across folks yet who who cared about their relationship and the fact they were in this power exchange who don't feel some level of heartbreak.

That's across genders, that's across roles, doms, subs, switches that don't fucking matter.

If you are invested in this relationship and the way we connect in power exchange in ways that you don't typically connect in non kinky relationships, it is devastating, and that is a a commonality amongst most of us, if not all of us.

And it's a grieving process, and you you kinda just have to get through it as best as you can.

Mhmm.

I worry for this person because they are holding on to guilt that is not theirs to have.

Right.

They took this person at face value.

They believed they were being told the truth.

If there was no mechanism by which and we never have it in our life.

I don't need to meet his partners because I'm not fucking overseeing it anyway.

It's not my fucking relationship.

So I don't tend to mix and mingle, but some people do.

Maybe this is a situation where it would have been better if there had been mixing and mingling because then more things come out into the open.

I also do not, fault anyone for not doing that.

I don't do it.

But that that's the thing.

This person could only go by what their partner was telling them and the trust over three years.

Like, if we're talking three months, I'd be like, oh, baby, you've been lied to.

Like, there's there's probably a red flag there.

But weekly for three years, that's a long fucking time.

Yeah.

It is.

That's a long fucking time.

The one thing I would probably recommend in this situation to this specific person, assuming your husband is, you know, open and willing to, I would lean on them.

I'd, you know, I'd be like, you can't fix this for me, but can I, like, come cry to you for a minute?

Can I just come sit with you and be sad?

Lean on your shoulder.

Right.

Exactly.

But the the getting the getting through it and the dealing with the feelings, that's just a time thing.

And the longer you were together and also the the wilder slash more devastating in way it ended, the longer it can take, but I think this person will be served by getting pissed off.

Mhmm.

So Yep.

I mean, that's I agree.

I agree.

This is one of those situations where, well, you're not actively seeing anybody right now.

When you are, I have, you know, thoughts, feelings, but I I don't insert myself.

You know?

I'm gonna be there for you and if you ask my opinion, that's our rule.

I'm like, I won't tell you anything.

I will not offer unsolicited advice about your relationships that I'm not a part of.

But if you ask me, I will tell you and you can't unhear that.

So we, you know, we try to tread carefully, but when he's ended a relationship or it ended badly, you know, he knows he can come to me.

I'm gonna, you know, I am that person that the other person could have been a saint but I'll be like yeah they sucked.

Yeah they totally suck.

You're the best.

I'm I will hype you up.

You know?

I'm gonna be like, do you need, you know, sugar?

How much candy or cookies or do you need cake?

What what do you need to eat to feel your feelings right now?

Right?

Like that's that's to me that's my role.

My role is to be okay with it if I'm okay with it, to be honest if there are times I'm not okay with something, and then to get the fuck out of the way and be open to com, you know, communication, but that that's, you know, that's sort of my view.

And I know there are so many ways to to do open relationships and and nonmonogamy, and Mhmm.

You gotta find what works for you.

I do think that the more prescriptive and the more, like, 85,000,000 rules that people have, I don't know.

I think I think it I think it makes things complicated.

Yeah.

And if you're dealing with somebody who's not real good at integrity, they're gonna lie.

They're gonna find loopholes.

And I was like and all I can think is that's not this is not a person to be in an open relationship with.

This is not a person to be in an open relationship with.

No.

I would be very curious about what occurred in their relationship for them to have these kind of rules, what was going on, and then what that conversation is behind closed doors now that everything is shut off.

Lola agrees.

Honey, you're not alone.

We're in the same damn room with you.

Right?

You're looking directly at us.

She's looking at us with judgment, though.

She's looking at us with judgment.

Okay.

Next one.

Hopefully hopefully Lola will let me read it.

Do you need to go give her belly rubs while I read?

Okay.

Can you can you focus on this while you're doing that?

Okay.

The difference between play and abuse.

So, real quick content warning, mentions of but not descriptive of sexual assault are in this.

If you're watching on video, I will wave my hands.

If you are on the podcast, you want to, get past this, scoot forward by like a minute and a half just to give yourself some buffer.

Okay.

Here we go.

This post is very emotional.

It was hard for me to share this, but I just have to get it off my chest.

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post saying that if a person ignores red flags, it's their own fault.

Karma will get you.

Funny enough, while I was writing that post, I was doing exactly that myself.

I should let me apologize.

That was not karma.

She did not this person does not deserve that, but be careful when you start pointing at what whose fault is what, is all I'm saying.

Just be very careful.

A potential partner I was talking to seemed perfect at first glance and even at second glance.

So perfect that I ignored things I normally never would have.

He mentioned that sometimes he didn't wanna use a safe word.

Fine.

I could try to understand that.

He acted aggressively, insultingly, and dangerously, but mixed it with a play so that so much that it was impossible to tell whether humiliation was acceptable and where he crossed the line.

Maybe I just don't understand what TPE means?

Then he clearly made me feel that my opinion wouldn't matter.

I thought maybe it's for my own good.

I started doubting my own behavior, the reality of what was happening, myself, and everything I knew.

And yet I was fully aware of the manipulative tactics he was using but I still fell for it consciously.

Fuck.

And I almost made him my met him in person and I'm sure how our first meeting would have ended.

With my sexual assault.

Now I need to cut off all contact and for the first time I realize that I'm scared.

That communication gave me such an adrenaline rush that I ended up saying more than I ever should have.

But you know what hurts?

That I rarely allow myself to trust someone.

Every time I open up even a little, this shit happens.

How loudly I scream in the end from hurt, pain and anger make me question why the hell I even bother.

This text turned out quite long and I almost forgot the question I wanted to ask with all this chaos of my feelings and emotions.

Where do you draw the line between intense play and abuse, especially in TPE or twenty four seven dynamics?

I understand the part about safe words and scenes, but this is the kind of dynamic that blends with real life, including punishments and humiliation.

How do you separate it?

I do want to say I want everybody to be very fucking careful how they judge who responds to what red flags and how could you not see it.

Because this is an example of you knew what the red flags were and it's they still fucked you over.

Any one of us can be manipulated.

Mhmm.

Any one of us.

If you think you couldn't get into a cult, be careful, you could.

If you think you couldn't be scammed, you absolutely could.

If you think you could ignore red flags, be careful Yeah.

With that hubris because Mhmm.

Yeah, you can.

And that's the thing that I was being snarky about in the beginning.

She did not deserve any of this.

Mm-mm.

But just be careful.

Future y'all, be fucking careful with your judgment is all I'm saying.

Mhmm.

Because it can happen so fucking easily sometimes.

So I feel very bad for this person.

Mhmm.

I am so curious from a psychological standpoint of what was going on.

What was this person doing for you or making you feel that you could see a red flag and ignore it?

Because that means there's something.

Something was being, tapped into you for you that was felt made you feel something you desperately wanted to feel in order to be able to go, oh, that is that okay?

And other life advice, if you are questioning, is this okay?

It probably is isn't.

Your instincts are screaming at you.

But that's those are my thoughts on that.

Before we get into her questions, do you have any her specific questions, do you have any overall thoughts?

Other than it's horrible.

Well, yeah.

Other other than that, not really yet.

No.

Okay.

So here are the actual questions that we got into.

Where do you draw the line between intense play and abuse?

Consent.

It is did you want that?

You didn't?

It's not okay.

Did you negotiate that?

You didn't?

Then it's not okay.

And and and the major difference is that in in a power exchange, a single word stops it.

Right.

And that is and this I think this person either does not know this or has forgotten this.

Even in total power exchange, even in twenty four seven dynamics Mhmm.

Right?

There must be a mechanism to stop.

Now some people won't do safe work.

They'll do something else.

I don't give a fuck what you figure out for yourselves.

It has to be discussed and what happens if something is happening that is outside of my boundaries, that I cannot handle, that I do not want.

How do we fucking stop it?

We use safe words in our everyday life.

Now we kinda use them jokingly, but we know the moment one of us pulls out red that we're serious.

Right?

We can do it while laughing because, like, we're we're almost at that edge if if the other pushed too far, now we're gonna be mad.

But, yeah.

Yeah.

Like, the the line between play and abuse is and it's a different line for everybody, but it's pretty fucking clear.

From the moment you're like I'm cool with this to nope, don't like that, don't want that, scared of that, not happy with that, don't consent to that, like, whatever that is for you, that's the fucking line.

And it can change moment to moment, day to day, activity to activity.

They could have done it yesterday and you were like, I'm cool with this.

They could do the same thing today and it hits you wrong.

I'm not cool with this.

And that's all fucking legitimate.

Mhmm.

And if you have not discussed how you're gonna stop it today, right now, stop everything.

Go fucking discuss it.

How are you gonna stop this?

You know, is it a safe word?

Is it a signal?

What are what are we doing here?

And if you have a partner who's like, we don't need that.

It'd be fine.

This is total power exchange, baby.

Fuck them.

Okay?

Uh-uh.

They're immediately unsafe.

And and you know, the the the question they asked about, you know, the where is it?

The line between intense play.

Okay?

Mhmm.

That is a personal line.

It is.

Yep.

Okay.

Because there are people who love to play until they bleed.

Mhmm.

And then there are others who play, like, don't leave a mark.

Right.

Exactly.

So, you know, it it's a very broad spectrum.

And, again, even that gets to change from day to day, partner partner.

Absolutely.

Whatever whatever.

Absolutely.

Because we don't like to mark me right before I'm gonna about to go get naked for a doctor.

Nope.

It's just a personal preference we have.

You know?

Outside of that, sure.

Sure.

Do what you gotta do.

Right?

Like, so things are situational.

And I think this kind of ultimately, it's like, this is the kind of dynamic that blends with real life including punishments and humiliation.

How do you separate it?

And I think this gets to something we've kind this is like the whole purpose of why we do this of there's a difference between the the fantasy, the play, the fun, the scene, and living this every fucking day.

Mhmm.

To do total power exchange or twenty four seven or to blend your power exchange with the rest of your life means you have to be real fucking realistic about what makes sense with your actual life and where power exchange can fit.

We don't squeeze our real life into the power exchange and make the real life somehow fit it.

The the power exchange has to fit.

Mhmm.

And, you know, sometimes it means you do things that other people might not understand.

Why you do it?

Who cares?

Fuck them.

But sometimes it means, oh, when I'm in mom mode, you don't get to come at me as sadist daddy.

That's not that's not the headspace I'm in.

Right?

Imagine that.

If he's on a business call, I do not have the, permission and okay to come up and be sassy as fuck and, you know, start, like, whining in the background about how I want my daddy.

Right?

Like, I think some of these things for some of us, we'd be like, well, that's common sense.

Well, we all know common sense.

Ain't all that common.

We know that we know that one person's common sense is another person's.

Oh, I never thought of it that way.

That is just, that is just typical.

But I think there's too many people who have this fantasy picture in their idea their head about what power exchange is and all these parts of power exchange that you want, and then you're like, oh, so I have to accept this kind of treatment because it's power exchange even though this is not an appropriate moment.

No.

You will this will be a shifting thing day to day, season to season, part of your life, part of your life, role that you play in life to role that you play in life.

Me at work, you know, it was rare JB ever came to my office, but if JB was around me at work, our dynamic was not obvious because that was not appropriate for the situation.

When we're parenting our children, our child, because the oldest you know just went ahead and goofed the fuck up who gave him that permission.

When we're parenting our child that is not the place for any of our dynamic.

We have that in place on purpose because we come at parenting as complete and total equals.

There is no decider.

And quite frankly, in parenting, if there is a decider, it will often default to me as the biological mother who's been with them since like they were like a clump of cells.

You know what I mean?

But we don't do it that way.

It is very collaborative, but there's no decider in that as as parents.

We've made that conscious choice.

But it also means that even the playful parts of our dynamic don't come into play in those moments.

So it's about, you know, being very clear with yourself and very realistic about who what are the parts of life that we have to deal with?

What roles do I have in life outside of this dynamic and where can this dynamic fit or not fit at all.

And that's regardless of whether you do punishments and humiliation.

First of all, punishments?

No child is ever gonna be around.

Nobody from outside of our dynamic is ever gonna be around for that.

That's gonna be private.

That's gonna be between the two of us.

That's not gonna happen at work.

That's not gonna happen in the grocery store.

Not obviously.

I might get like a murmured, we'll take care of this when we get home.

I have seen kinksters, like, navigate it in certain ways where there can be punishment without letting nobody knows what's going on.

Mhmm.

But, you know, that's most of that stuff is not for anybody else's eyes, ears, or whatever.

So, yeah, you incorporate it, but you're still mindful of who the fuck's around you, where you are, and what you're in the the midst of doing at the time.

Mhmm.

And it is all personal.

Every relationship will figure out their own way that they wanna handle it.

But I think everybody's gotta be fucking realistic about actual real life that some of this shit don't work all the time.

Right.

It's just that's not realistic.

But the other biggest thing is the intense play and abuse consent, my child.

Consent is the line.

Yeah.

Fucking hell.

If you didn't like it and you didn't want it and you weren't expecting it and you never want to experience it again.

It shouldn't it shouldn't happen.

Right.

And and and intense play, I mean, that's a subject term.

What do we mean by that?

And what does that look like?

Because everybody's play is gonna be a little bit different.

That is also specific to what is happening around us right now, who is around us right now, what role in my life am I playing right now.

Again, intense play is not gonna happen when I'm in mom mode.

That what?

That's not fucking happening.

Intense play is not gonna happen when I'm sick.

It's not gonna happen when JB is hurt.

It's not you know?

Yeah.

So this idea that, yeah, total power exchange in twenty fourseven, it intertwines all parts of your life.

Yes.

But in a realistic way.

In a way that doesn't get hopefully get anybody sent to fucking jail.

I mean, it's at kind of as simple as that.

You know?

Yeah.

We're not gonna sit in the parent teacher conference and have him put me over his knee.

That don't that doesn't make any sense to anybody.

Right?

That's the kind of like, that's how I hear it when somebody's like, you know, shouldn't we be able to do this at any no.

No.

There are times when it is appropriate, and there are times when it is not.

Right.

And it is up to y'all in your relationship to decide what those times are, but I do think, you know, having a non consenting person in your space would be a clear one that that's not the right time.

Being in doing something in life that is not about your role in your power exchange, more often than not that's not a correct time.

Not always.

There's always exceptions, but yeah.

The moment you don't want it and it's still happening, baby you're in abuse.

That's something.

And I say that as somebody who has things happen that I I would not request.

Right?

I would not I don't want to get hit with that toy or to feel that sensation, but what I do want is his attention and I want the moment and I want the struggle and I want to, you know, I want to be there as it's happening.

That's my fuzzy line.

But if you walk away from it going, I hope to God that never happens again and I'm low key traumatized, that's abuse.

That's not play.

That's somebody taking advantage of their Right.

Power and role and control.

Mhmm.

You know?

Easy on that one.

Yeah.

You know, I'm keeping my my temper sort of down a little bit.

A little bit.

Oh my gosh.

Kinda, sorta.

Maybe.

Okay.

Next one.

This this one hit close to me.

I felt like others could relate.

Okay.

How often do you have scenes in your dynamic, dissatisfied with the frequency in mind, and wondering what's normal?

I'm good.

Spoiler, ain't nothing fucking normal.

There's no such thing.

Yeah.

No.

I'm in a female led relationship and DS dynamic with my girlfriend.

Lately, I've come to realize that I enjoy BDS scenes with or without sex more than sex and have been dissatisfied frequency we have sex, which is frequent, relative to kinky scenes, which is sporadic.

So they want more kink scenes than sex, but they're getting more sex than kink scenes.

Okay.

Last weekend, for example, the only kinky thing we did was her using me as a footstool while we binge watch TV.

I've been hoping we could do something more involved with bondage or impact play, especially since this was her ex's weekend with the kids, but that wound up not happening and I felt frustrated.

They said, contrary wise, that's not a word I'm familiar with, we had sex multiple times.

So let little kink, lots of sex.

She enjoys bondage and impact.

She's tied me up four times in the past two months, three times with rope, once with bed restraints.

We've done extended spanking sessions maybe a couple of times.

I'm the one who requests slash initiates maybe 75% of the time.

It feels like on most of our weekends together, I hope for kinky scenes and more often than not, we only have sex instead.

Our sex incorporates mild kink, her on top, tugging my collar, dirty talk.

It's nice.

But when we're apart, I don't dream and fantasize about sex together like I do kink together.

And yes, I've talked with her about this multiple times.

It hasn't gone well.

She felt like I was saying she isn't kinky enough, felt treated like a kink dispenser, and told me that the only person who will have a comparable kink libido is another man.

That's not true.

We are in a female led relationship.

She makes most of the daily decisions and I follow her lead.

I am where I am in my career as a result of following her guidance.

I ask permission for things like whether I can have a second helping of dessert.

I do most of the household chores, vacuuming the floors, doing the dishes, and taking out the trash while she plays video games.

That brings me joy.

Wiping her toddler's poopy butt so she doesn't have to brings me joy.

I am deeply fulfilled by serving and deferring to her in our daily life.

In our bedroom, however, I simply don't have the her pleasure is all that matters, my only joy is pleasing her mindset that I've encountered online.

I suspect that it would be easier for me to claim this mindset if my kinky libido better aligned with my partners.

Regardless, I'm wondering if my feelings are reasonable.

I'd find it helpful to hear from others.

How often do you have scenes in your dynamic?

How often do you have kinky scenes relative to sex?

Quick thought.

Those last two questions are irrelevant because whatever is normal for one relationship Is is not normal for another.

Right.

The yeah.

Because there's no normal amount.

There's no typical amount.

There's no correct amount.

There's no you know?

Yeah.

There's no, like, oh, you have to do it five times in, the month where we've got two full moons, but you can do it four times in every other month.

There's only one full moon.

And then if you get a blue moon, well, then you get six times, one of those times is outside.

It'll be great.

Like, that's not there's no even without the coffee, I'm kinda Yeah.

Yeah.

You are.

So what are what are your thoughts on all of this?

Well, you know, I I was going in one direction until they started talking about how they, you know, have talked to their partner about it.

Mhmm.

And it it it almost seems like their partner just isn't maybe into it as much as they would want them to be.

Maybe so.

Maybe an incompatibility.

Mhmm.

You know, I'm curious, and we're we're not gonna get it from here, and we'll never get to know.

How did that conversation go?

Yeah.

Was this an equal partner but a submissive coming to their dominant going, hey.

There's some things I'd I'd really like to experience.

I'd real you know, I miss I wish we did it more often.

You know?

Yeah.

Like, I love having sex with you, but, man, I you know, that's the kink scenes I find most fulfilling.

Was that how they approached it, or was it some other way?

Yeah.

Or was it one of those things where they spoke their piece, their partner said, okay, we'll take that under advisement Mhmm.

And then they did they push too hard?

Now I don't wanna put it all on this person, you know, that they must have done something wrong.

It can I think if they had said that their partner promised and never delivered, then they would have included that?

Right.

So it doesn't sound to me like they've been promised something, especially if their partner's like, I feel like a kink dispenser.

I feel like that's all you want from me.

And I think that's kind of a a hard needle to thread because I have been the submissive that didn't want anything, please God, I can't handle it if you touch me right now and and you are in control but you know I didn't consent.

And I've also been the submissive, like, oh my God, I would kill for more scenes.

And you didn't have the energy.

You didn't you didn't have it in you to do.

And that is that happens, you know?

What stage of life is she currently in?

What's going on with the rest of her life, you know?

Is she doing some of these kink things not because she really enjoys them truly, but because she knows it brings her partner pleasure?

That will get you so far, but it won't take you all the way.

It doesn't if you only do it for the other person, you can and there's nothing wrong with that, but that's not a thing that means you're gonna want to do it once a week, every couple of weeks.

Like, you're gonna because it's not the thing you're seeking for for yourself.

Right.

It's the thing you're doing on behalf for the other person.

Mhmm.

And there's also the whole you know, it is the Dom's decision.

Is she not wanting to do this because she feels like she's being pushed?

And it's, it's, you know, it's not a thing she gets to control and she gets to decide with his consent, with the person's consent.

But, you know, if she's pushed into it, then maybe she don't wanna fucking do it at all now.

Yeah.

I'm I mean, you know, the the questions that they asked really are moot.

Yeah.

Okay?

Yeah.

And everything else that they're dealing with, there are so many possible things it could be.

Right.

The one thing I will say, they ask I wonder if my feelings are reasonable.

Yes, your feelings are reasonable.

You get to want what you want and you get to wish you had more of it.

That is a 100% valid.

Yeah.

A 100% valid.

But if that is so that important to them, if it is so important to them that it is a drain on their relationship or they're finding less pleasure in their relationship, then that speaks to an incompatibility between partners.

Right.

Because that part that dom cannot give you what you need.

Mhmm.

You know?

Yeah.

You might enjoy everything else even more if your other needs are being fulfilled.

That doesn't make anybody wrong.

Just it just means maybe there's an an incompatibility.

Incompatibility.

Mhmm.

But, yeah, I think I agree with you completely.

There's there's so many reasons why's how's it could be tone.

It could be frequency, it could be Mhmm.

You know, the thing that because there's always a side we don't get.

There's details we don't get because we're getting it just from one person's perspective.

So did she tell you give me some time, not right now, let me bring it up, and then you push.

I don't know.

I'll never get to know.

But, you know, only that person gets to decide, okay.

Is this an incompatibility?

True.

And now I've got to decide that I can be happy with every so often.

I'm very curious.

Maybe it's because I'm not wired this way.

I have a 100% wanted what I wanted, and it wasn't the right time.

We couldn't do it.

You didn't have the energy.

Right?

At no point in any relationship I've ever had, but certainly not in our power exchange, has that ever made me like start questioning the relationship or my joy in the, you know, sort of, what I'm getting out of this situation.

Right?

Like, if there's so much else that's good, does that not outweigh the thing you wish you, you know, you had more of?

Mhmm.

And are thing are you telling yourself things are good because you think they should be, when actually you're missing out on something you desperately need?

You know?

So Silent just, in chat posted something that, maybe, apparent yeah.

She says, there was more to this one.

She didn't want to plan scenes, but if he brought something up in the moment, she accused him of topping from the bottom.

Well, that sucks.

Yeah.

There's definitely an incompatibility there.

And I'll say this, I don't agree with it.

I think somebody expressing their needs is never topping from the bottom.

No.

But I could see somebody who felt pressured to do something they didn't wanna do, and had not just said, I don't wanna fucking do this.

Yeah.

This is not what I wanna do.

Mhmm.

I could see that being the reaction.

I think it's not a great reaction.

I think it because that that invalidates the submissive partner's feelings.

Correct.

Because the submissive partner gets to want what they want, and I hear that you go find a partner who can give you what you want.

Mhmm.

And if if what this person craves is planned scenes, like, just legit scenes that are about the kink and not about the sex, and that's not what she wants to do.

And should y'all be together?

Right.

You know?

Yep.

Yeah.

But that's that's the hard part of, like, trying to answer this like, more details.

More details.

Yeah.

Oh, but the questions that they asked for anybody else who's ever like, do we do this often enough?

Often enough is subjective.

Often enough for you in your life that your real life you're living right now Mhmm.

In this season of life that you're living in.

Early days for us, if we were sitting still for a few minutes and had total privacy, we were doing something kinky.

Something was happening.

And it was delightful.

Mhmm.

And then in other seasons, we were like, I love you.

You love me.

We are kinky, but, don't look at me.

Don't make eye contact.

Neither of us can do this.

Not right now.

I've had on kind of the back burner because I can't figure out how to flesh it out as a whole episode.

Mhmm.

But I've kinda had the topic on my list, of that feeling of, you know, sexual arousal slash libido.

We've talked about it going away, and it's kind of coming back.

But I've had for the past several months, I've had a similar thing with only way I know how to call describe it as my kink libido, my desire for fuckery and kink that has nothing to do with sex.

And it has often come back.

And I've had, like, full on fantasies, and I'm like, oh, I could see how that would happen.

And, you know, I will bring and I've kind of wanted to see if there's a topic to that, if there's a conversation to be had of that, And I it's not fleshed out in my head.

But it's on the list because it when I started having kinky fantasies in my own head, like, not you fucking me, but, like, all the because I was memories of kinky shit we used to do.

It was powerful.

I was like, damn, I think your girl's back.

Okay.

But we have not had we've not been on the same level energy wise.

Right?

And that's that's the reality too.

Right.

But it felt good to, like, want to get kinky.

You know?

To be like, no.

No.

I actually want you to make me cry consensually.

This will be delightful.

But you know, there the reality is that there are times in life where it will feel like an incompatibility, because you will want something that your partner cannot give you.

If everything else is good and great and you you can be satisfied with that, then you can make it through that season together.

But if you're being shamed for it, if, you know, it's not an inability due to, you know, the situation that your partner's in, but just they just don't want to.

Like, you you don't get to overcome that.

There's no overcoming that.

There is deciding if you can live with it or if you cannot.

But yeah.

Yeah.

The and I don't read a lot of BDSM specific books, but man when I finally read a good one, that kink libido kicks back reflected real real quick, real hard.

Okay.

So last one.

And I think I I I know your answer.

I know my answer, but I know there are folks who ask this question to themselves.

I've been going to munches, and now what?

I've been involved with BDSM for a few years, but not but not but that was all online and very short term dynamics or one off things.

That really wasn't working for me, so following the general advice I saw a lot here as well as other places, I joined the local kink community and started attending a munch.

I've been doing that for a couple of months now and I've been really enjoying it from a social aspect, but now what?

I'm not closer to finding a partner and as the sticky post on the group FET page says, munches are not the place to pick up partners.

Is there specifically dating focused events I can attend or am I going about this in completely the wrong way?

It feels like I've hit a bit of a wall, to be honest.

Go ahead and give our, like, basic answer that is so unsatisfying to most people.

I know.

They they need to get out there.

You know?

They are out there.

But Munches are one thing.

Mhmm.

Okay?

And and munches are great because yes, you hang out with people, and you know, you have the ability to talk kink and stuff, but, you know, to I I think they need to look for parties Mhmm.

Or whether there is a dungeon Sure.

In the area and and get themselves out there.

And that's what I mean in that aspect.

You know, if you're not finding what's working, what you want here Mhmm.

Okay, but you're enjoying the aspect of it, keep it, but, you know, you need to branch out to other places at that point.

I mean, that that is yes.

Definitely seek out all the spaces where kink people might be.

But the thing that struck me was, well, you it's you don't put the quarter into the Munch machine and out pops a partner.

Oh, true.

Yeah.

True.

You go to the Munch to meet people Mhmm.

And to see who you get along with just, like, as human beings and, oh, these might be friends of mine.

And we've talked about this before.

The comments on this post said it multiple times as well.

It was like, maybe those folks that you become friends with end up being people that you, you know Right.

Get into a relationship with.

They might just, you know, introduce you to other kinky friends of theirs that you wouldn't meet at the munch.

It opens up a a a different completely different part of the community to you once you just legitimately or just make actual friends friends with people.

I I think I think what we have is, And two months into going to munches, that's two munches.

You not hadn't met nobody yet.

Talk about some unrealistic expectations.

Yeah.

You're still new in the munch.

The the folks who are regulars still haven't decided if they like you real good yet or not.

Right?

Yeah.

The old regulars are watching because they're like, I've seen bullshit before.

Let me watch this one.

And they that's a thing some people do to everybody, not just, you know, certain people.

So, yeah, two months is nothing in the time of munches.

And and and you know what?

Putting those kind of expectations, even on yourself to say, you know, well, I'm gonna go to this munch one time and I'm gonna meet somebody.

Exactly.

No.

It it it does not work that way.

It doesn't work that way.

And quite frankly, going to munches can be either through the munch itself, but also a gateway into learning how to be a better kingster.

Right.

And quite frankly, the thing that will make you very attractive to other kingsters is being a decent fucking kingster.

Right.

Being knowledgeable, being responsible, you know, understanding how to approach people and talk to people, and I don't mean from, like, a socially, like, acute way, but, like, you know, the whole power exchange thing.

Like, knowing that if you're the dom, you don't walk up to anybody and just assume dominance.

Right?

Or if you're a sub, knowing that you still get to have strong opinions and, you know, nobody gets to, like Right.

Tell you you can't because you're submissive.

Those kinds of things.

Those sort of that part of the the social experience of just being a kinkster out among other kinksters, because quite frankly there might be other people at a munch who are like, I too would like a partner, but they're waiting to see who seems safe, who seems like they know what they're doing, or, you know, who appeals to them.

And somebody might might you might appeal to somebody, but they're waiting to see, do they know what the fuck they're doing, or are they gonna come back this much?

How many munches did we go to where somebody would come once and for all kinds of reasons, work, comfortable ability, maybe they moved, like, all kinds of fucking reasons.

They never came back.

Yeah.

So And see, I I I missed the part about only having been to two munches thus far.

Two months is what they said, but I know that typically is about That's about two months is because they, know, every month Once a month.

Every once in a while, you'll find something like every couple of weeks or something.

But And and even that, you know, I I say go into the dungeons and stuff to meet, but it it sounds like they're on the prowl.

And that's the other thing.

If you were giving up giving off the vibe that you were on the prowl Right.

Nobody's gonna invite you to their party Exactly.

Unless they too are on prowl.

Yeah.

Do you remember the guy that gave I I think he ended up being okay.

He just must have been socially awkward.

He gave off the vibe of being on the prowl because if you were if you were kind of new, he wanted to invite you to the next party.

And I was like, bitch, I don't I don't know you.

I'm not going to the stranger's house.

Right.

I'm just sitting here for an hour with one another.

It it did feel very problematic.

What what they need to do is go to these things to have fun.

Right.

To seek community.

You know?

Not to have an end result in mind.

Right.

You know, go go there and and, you know, yes, meet people, make friends, you know, but you you can talk, you can learn.

But also making friends takes time, especially in a day and age where most of us are connected to our phones.

If you have your group of people that you know you can trust, you know, it's not not always easy to allow somebody new in.

Mhmm.

I, as a person who does not do well in social situations, both experienced it myself but also watched, because I love to people watch.

It sometimes takes being really consistent and showing up certainly more than to two munches for two months.

But you gotta kind of be there long enough to all almost get treated like a regular.

Like regulars, that's a different, like, level in the social hierarchy.

But if you're going often enough that the regulars are acknowledging you, you have a shared thing because of the last month y'all were both at.

And that doesn't mean you go to every single one and, you know, never miss one.

That's not what I'm talking about.

It's a it's a a duration of being present, showing up, proving that you are not creepy or on the prowl or gross.

Because two two months in in a at a munch, if you have a a solid community, yeah, they're not gonna invite you to parties and stuff at, you know, community.

Whole community's vibe is we're just always here to party and we don't care about the rest of it.

Right.

Those communities exist.

True.

And maybe that's the problem.

Maybe this person needs to try and find that kind of community and they don't live where there's that kind of community.

Yeah.

I personally as a person who nope, don't like that, would not be impressed with that kind of that wouldn't be the community for me.

I'd be like, y'all have a good time with that.

I wanna go just talk to people who wanted to eat their french fries and geek out over shit.

Like, I just wanna I don't want that pressure.

Right?

The other thing though is, there are kinky dating apps if what you're looking for specifically is a partner.

Hell, people use non kinky dating apps and just say they're kinky and somehow, you know, find each other.

So if it really is I just want to find a partner I can fuck around with, go get on a dating app and just put that you're kinky in your bio and see where that fucking takes you.

But, yeah, you know, that's not enough a couple months is not enough time No.

To be in the community and No.

For anything to lead anywhere, especially if if you genuinely if your goal is generally to to meet a partner that's maybe gonna be a long term partner, I know it's a very dissatisfying, approach, but just go make friends.

Yep.

See where that leads you because quite frankly, the friends I mean, I we came I came into your community and we were together, so I wasn't looking for no damn body.

But getting to know just two or three people within that local community allowed me to meet in other ways at other times, get introduced to other people.

Because there would be people who almost never got to come to the munch.

It conflicted with work or something.

Mhmm.

But they would go to the Friday night or the Saturday night parties.

And so the person I made friends with in the daytime munch who liked me, genuinely liked me and I genuinely liked them, would be real quick to go, oh, you haven't met this person who would never come to the munch, but they went to the party because they trusted me enough and they're like, no, no, you're you're cool enough, I'll introduce you to my other friends.

That's how some of this works.

True.

You know?

True.

But yeah.

You know?

It's if you treat the munch like, I know I can't get a date from here, but I want I have this goal.

I'm here to accomplish it.

Mhmm.

You know, I sometimes it gives off a vibe.

Yes.

Indeed.

It's also gonna always be dissatisfying because this stuff moves slower.

People want it to have happened yesterday, Nope.

The the most dissatisfying thing that I have experienced that I had to explain to the 20 year old and then he experienced it and he realized that sometimes your mother knows things, is that the the lightning in a bottle kind of I met a person I can see myself with long term Tense, not always, but often happens when you genuinely least expect it.

When you weren't looking for it, when you maybe didn't want it, when it didn't matter to you.

The harder you try for something like that, you either don't find anybody or you find the dregs of our kink society.

You find the worst of the worst.

When when I was younger, I was single for, you know, a good bit.

Mhmm.

And, I just went out and enjoyed myself.

I mean, I went out to dinner by myself, went to movies, I even went to concerts.

Sure.

You know, I looked at it this way, I just because I'm not with somebody, I'm not gonna miss out on life.

I'm not gonna miss out on doing the things I enjoy.

Right.

And also there's kind of a confidence that even if you're not feeling it, you're projecting from that.

You've just I'll use this person as an example.

They went to the munch.

They ordered a meal or a coffee or whatever the place was, and they got into casual conversation with people where it was appropriate, and they just existed.

And they weren't like, who can I make friends with?

Who haven't I said hi to yet?

You know, that that alone will sometimes it'll take a while.

It'll take a while.

We are now officially kind of a, you know, culture, Western culture at least, that doesn't have a lot of third spaces anymore, places where you go to connect with community.

Munches are a 100% that.

Dungeons, play parties, community areas for kinksters are our third spaces.

If you don't know what that term means, quick Google should explain it.

But most of us are out of practice of how what it means to just make friends and connect with people who aren't through our screen, And that shit takes time because all of us are waiting to see if everybody else that's we're not familiar with is the real deal.

Every one of us on some level is like, are they gonna show back up again, or are they okay?

Are they safe?

Or do I connect to them?

Do am I getting a vibe off of you know what I mean?

And it's an imperfect, messy, squishy, nonscientific thing of people getting to know one another and deciding, sure, I'll hang out with you.

Sure, I like you.

Sure, you can come back.

You know what I mean?

Whatever.

But it you know?

I think if it ever happens quickly and easily for you, I need you to understand how lucky lucky you are because that is not everybody's experience.

Right.

It was very satisfying to talk through the 20 year old who was having an existential crisis about, you know, being lonely and, you know, wanting a partner that they could, you know, connect with whatever, whatever.

And I did the whole speech of it.

When it happens, it's gonna come out of nowhere.

It will be when you least expect it.

And then currently, damn if that's not how it happened.

And I did get the, you right, mom.

You right.

I was like, thank you.

Write that on the calendar.

But it is the dissatisfying answer because a lot of us think, oh, but if I just complete this five step plan and I check all the things off the to do list, ta da, I have completed partner.

You know?

I have completed relationship.

Gee, it's only gonna work that way.

I will put my my coins in the partner's, you know, machine and one will pop out.

I put in the, appropriate behaviors.

I went to the right places and, boom, here they are.

And no.

No.

Nothing.

None of it works that way.

So yeah.

Yep.

Anyway Any of it.

That was the last one.

Okay.

So, thanks to Silent Wing for the one you sent that you had forgotten you sent.

I have seen the one Silent has already sent me as well.

Hey.

If you are on the kinky side of subreddit or subreddit.

The kinky side of Reddit on some of those subreddits or kinky questions come up in places you did not expect them to, feel free to send them because I will a 100% compile them together to make another episode.

Same.

We did this one today because the week's been a doozy already.

I needed something easy.

And this was Yeah.

It has.

Yeah.

It has.

So now, Lola seems satisfied with some attention.

Yep.

She's getting she's getting head scritches.

Yeah.

And we can go into a bonus section.

Please don't knock into the oh.

Oh, the camera.

Oh, gosh.

Okay.

She look.

She's a menace, but she's our menace.

That's true.

Mhmm.

And and I love that menace.

Right now?

Alright.

So are we good?

Sure.

Why not?

Keep it kinky, y'all.

And we'll see you next week.

Howdy.

Yes, baby girl.

Can we talk to the crickets?

Sure.

Okay.

I'm very tired.

A lot of that going around.

Yeah.

Part of it, I didn't we didn't sleep in this weekend because my mother is up and moving at very early times.

And I I think I've gotten to see her every day she was in town.

She came in on Thursday, my birthday, and is leaving tomorrow day after the the recording on the stream Thursday, but we won't see her tonight, Wednesday night, because she sticks close to home slash her sister's house right before she travels.

Yeah.

She's washing her laundry.

She's gassing up her car.

She washed her car.

I'm very happy for her.

But if we're gonna do something with her, she's like, I'll be there around eight.

I'm like, okay.

But she's not overly judgy.

But if she waltzed in this house at 8AM and I was still in my pajamas and had sleep in my eye, I I would get side eye and a comment.

So I've been waking up either at our typical time, even on the weekend, or earlier and making sure I've had a shower, I put my clothes on.

When she walks in the door, we can do whatever the fuck she wants.

What do we do?

We sit for two or three hours and talk, which is a wonderful thing, But also it's like I ran around and got the shower in early, and I'm ready to go someplace and I haven't gone anywhere.

Excuse me.

Sorry.

Went down the wrong way.

It will clearly just have a sip of water.

It was because of the water that Oh, okay.

The water betrayed you?

Mhmm.

Okay.

Mhmm.

So yeah.

I mean, I don't mind so much because when You were already fucking up.

Well, I'm already up.

And she brings coffee most of the time.

Most of the time.

Yeah.

I had to stop her.

I was like, mom, it's been, like, two or three days in a row.

We're good.

We have coffee here.

It's fine.

I said, if you wanna get something, cool.

Feel free.

But you don't have to.

But, yeah, I've also I don't I don't know if I'll ever come to terms with it, but I am calmer about the reality that I don't know how to pivot when my typical routine is disrupted.

Yeah.

I just have to swim in the discomfort of this is not how my days go, and I don't know what to do with myself.

So, like, when my mom is around or when we had activities, I'm invested in the activities.

We're doing the thing.

Mhmm.

But when she was gone and it was like a weird part of the day, and I had done the activity, and now I had, like, four or five hours left of, like, I could be doing something.

My brain was like, we don't know what to do.

This is not when we start our work day.

We that was hours ago.

This is like, what is I don't know what to do.

So I just sort of embraced it and went, we're gonna do the bare minimum this week, and it's gonna be fine.

It's gonna be fine.

We are not brain surgeons around here.

Nothing we do constitutes an emergency.

Nothing we do is like life or limb.

Like nobody will needs us to keep them alive.

You know what I mean?

Like it's it'll be fine if I just do the bare minimum.

And then tomorrow, day after recording, because we make poor decisions in the past for future us, we will get up at, what, five something?

Yeah.

We'll roll into the car.

We have we have to get blood work done every six months because we're old and on medications, and because we have a doctor's appointment coming up.

But we do it they're fasted blood tests, so we do them as early as the place will let us.

Well, that's 6AM.

Yep.

And it's a twenty minute drive, and you gotta have time to, like, open your eyeballs and put clothing on and, you know, not Lot of stuff.

Yeah.

Not, you know, be committing a crime by showing up naked.

And so it's not like a wake up five minutes before you gotta be there kinda thing.

And we did that to ourselves.

Mhmm.

So I asked JB.

I was like, this weekend, no matter what we have planned, can can I can we sleep in?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Please, please, can we sleep in?

Please.

I just wanna sleep in.

In.

So Yep.

But yeah.

So it's been quiet other than that.

Mhmm.

I was just watching Lola a minute ago.

She was doing her little tail chase.

Oh, gosh.

She's got the quintessential pity ears going where they're both flopped forward a little bit.

Mhmm.

Oh, good.

She's also licking my bubble wrap.

That no.

Oh, she's in a nibbly state.

She's nibbling my bubble wrap.

Mhmm.

No.

Really.

Please don't nibble my bubble wrap, ma'am.

You got all your toys over there.

You can nibble your toys.

The other night we're sitting on the couch together and she started doing those pity nibbles on blanket.

On her blanket that's covered in fur.

She does not usually get under it.

She does not usually nibble on it.

She usually plants her ass on it.

And I was like, why are you nibbling it now?

So, yeah, she's was very happy to see my mother.

Oh, yeah.

Typical kind of, like, stereotypical kind of that's my grandma kind of behavior, following my mother around.

Yeah.

When she when my mom would give her attention, which was as often as she could, my mom loves animals, she'd be given Lola attention, and Lola would be looking up at her with pure, like, adoration in her eyes.

Like, I love you, and I love nobody else as much as I love you.

Can you please stay forever?

So yeah.

Yeah.

We had a you know, it was a good time.

We didn't It was.

When my mom needed a break from her sister, she would that's when she was here at 8AM.

I was like, oh, is is it is it getting rough over there?

She's like, it's fine.

I'm like, that doesn't sound like it's fine.

Well, when she came over was it Monday?

It might have no.

She came over Sunday, and then she came over early Monday.

So Sunday, she came over for a while, but then she spent the rest of the evening with them, I think.

And I have no sense of time.

Monday morning she shows up 8AM bright and fucking early, and she was like I almost got roped into a religious conversation, but I'm here now.

I'm like well we will not be talking talking about that, so you don't have to worry.

That will not be the topic of conversation in this house.

And then, we were very happy with the different, election results from across the country this week.

And so was my mother, and she got to talk to somebody about it.

She is, like, the only Mhmm.

She's a teeny tiny little blue dot in a in a sea of red where she lives.

So she doesn't usually have anybody she can talk to about, though.

I know.

So Yeah.

That was a very pleasant, Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

That was very nice.

That was a little bit that was nice to see those results, including there were some results in Mississippi that were pleasant, really surprising.

So that's always nice.

But, yeah.

So now she goes home day after we record this, and it'll be another six months.

Mhmm.

And I love having her I really love it when my mom comes because she's no drama.

She's like, let's go do some shit.

Mhmm.

She's like, I know you're broke, but I'm not, so let's go.

I'm like, you know what?

I'm gonna fucking let you.

There's gotta be perks of being an only child even when you're 46.

But it is also one of those things with that I miss her when she's not around.

I love having her here, but, man, I'm I'm so looking forward to getting my schedule back, getting my routine back.

Yeah.

So looking forward to it.

Yeah.

But I know.

You and I feel like things have been cattywampus the last few days.

They've been chaotic in a way that, you know, I don't dislike, but it throws me off kilter, like, way off kilter.

Yeah.

But I've embraced it.

And today is my last day of, we're just doing the bare minimum around here.

Tomorrow, get my ass back to work.

Yes.

Yep.

So Yes, indeed.

Anyway, anything else you got?

No.

That's pretty much it.

You know, I just yeah.

Just no.

Yeah.

I mean, y'all, that's it.

Their whole life was has been consumed by family visits, so Yeah.

Nothing interesting to report.

I'm a little fried, so, you know, can't really think of too much stuff.

And all all the chaos with your with your mom visiting and couple that in with a time change and Yeah.

I've I've seen a lot of people say this online, and I it's true for me as well.

The older I get, the harder time changes to adjust to.

Yeah.

That there's no extra hour of sleep when we fall back.

There is just I'm just up that much earlier.

It's fine.

Yeah.

It's fine.

This is fine.

And that yeah.

That, I think, made a difference too.

I haven't I haven't adjusted.

The cats, Lola, none of them have adjusted.

None of them.

No.

They can't tell time, unfortunately.

Mm-mm.

So Yep.

Alright.

Okay.

That's it.

Yep.

Ready.

We're not ending on a bang.

We're ending with a whimper and not even, like, the sexy guy.

Like, petered out completely.

So like a a wind up doll that just finally goes Or like a balloon that just Oh my god.

Yep.

Oh my god.

I think you broke me.

I think I'm melting.

We're gonna go.

Thanks y'all for being here.

Joining us.

Especially the bitter end.

We appreciate you, and we will be back next week, hopefully.

Smidge more energy.

Mhmm.

That's the plan.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Bye.

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Episode Transcript

Never lose your place, on any device