Life Audio.

Hey, Hey everybody, it's Danache and you're listening to the Rebuilding US Marriage Podcast.

I really really appreciate you all being here today on this episode.

And if you listened to last week's episode, you know that I have been teasing out my brand new book, Writing True.

I'm so excited about this book you all to cover is absolutely gorgeous.

If you are not already following me on Instagram, be sure to follow me at missus Dana Shay so that you can see the book covers, so that you can chime in on some polls and just some notifications that I'm going to be giving you as we prepare for this book release in January of twenty twenty six.

So today I want to have this conversation because there are so many conversations and marriage that we avoid.

You know it's true.

I know it's true, and so I want to talk to you all today about the eight conversations that we are avoiding.

Now, you might listen to these eight conversations and you might realize I've been avoiding all of them, or maybe you're only avoiding one or two of them.

My goal today is to help you to be able to have these conversations in your marriage in a way that feels genuine and a way that feels authentic, and in a way that gets you toward your goal.

So let's talk about that.

If you think that the goal of a conversation is to fix a problem, well then friend, you're already starting from the wrong lens and you're probably going to be disappointed because I don't know about you, but most of my marriage problems are not fixed in one conversation.

So if we put that much pressure on this conversation, then it's not going to succeed.

It's not going to be successful.

So I think a better way is to first reframe the goal of the conversation.

If you've listened to this podcast for any length of time, you have undoubtedly heard me say that the purpose of communication is not agreement, but understanding.

We could also say that the purpose of communication is not to fix a problem, but to understand the other person.

Now.

I know that we all want to fix problems, and yes there are solutions that need to happen in our marriages.

But if you approach every conversation with we've got to fix this thing, or we've got to come up to a solution at the end of this conversation.

Well, then, like I said, I think that you're going to be disappointed and you're going to feed the fear of why you're choosing not to have that conversation in the first place.

So I have to tell you a story.

It's a little embarrassing, but I believe in confessing my sense one to another, that you may be healed.

Okay, that's a scripture in the Book of James.

So about a year and a half ago, I was working out one morning Saturday morning, was working out.

We have a home gym, and I had gone into the gym and all of a sudden, the room just like went like almost like if you've ever been in a fun house and everything just looks distorted.

That's exactly what happened.

It just looked like everything just went completely crazy, and it was the scariest thing.

And so I grabbed onto whatever was like closest to me to kind of steady myself because I felt like I was gonna fall.

And the next thing I noticed is my body started feeling all tingly right, and I was like, Okay, this is not normal, this is not good.

So I sat there for a minute and just tried to like get myself together, try to figure out what was going on.

And then my eyes started seeing like double right, double vision.

So it's like two mirrors, two treadmills, two bench presses, like two of everything.

So I decided, Okay, I'm gonna call telehealth because they're gonna be able to tell me what's going on.

So I called telehealth and as soon as I dial the number, the whole left side of my body goes no.

Now I know that that is not a good sign.

Okay, So of course what am I thinking I might be having And I can't even bring myself to say the word, so I'll always spell it out.

I might be having an str oke.

Right, So I'm on the phone with the nurse and she's asking me my symptoms and I'm telling her about all the things that I'm experiencing, and she's like, you need to get to the emergency room right away.

Well, y'all, I've been to the emergency room before.

Maybe you've been to the emergency room before, and you know that when you go to the emergency room, it is not an emergency for them.

So you're waiting in there for six to eight hours and I had a lot of things to do that Saturday, and to be honest, I just didn't feel like going.

I was like, I don't want to go because I don't want to sit in the emergency room all day long.

This is not what I had on my agenda for a Saturday.

So I was like, well, I think I want to go to the urgent care.

And she's like, I really think you need to go to the er.

And I was like, okay, thanks, I'm going to go to the urgent care.

Have a good day.

So I get off the phone and I'm like, I'm going to drive myself to the urgent care.

Y'all.

I know this is crazy.

It's crazy, right, So I get in my car, I drive to the urgent care.

Now I call my husband and I'm like, Hey, what should I do?

This is what's going on.

He's like, go to the fire station, have them check your bibles.

And I was like, well, why am I going to go to the fire station and the urgent care is right down the street.

In case there's something really wrong with me, I prefer to be out an urgent care versus the fires department.

So I'm gonna go to the RG Cares I'll walk into the urgent care and immediately as soon as I walk in, the lady sitting at the front desk it's like, we can't help you, we can't, Like she literally starts backing away from me.

So I don't know what my face is doing.

Now.

I don't believe that my face was ever distorted, because they didn't feel distorted and didn't look distorted.

But there was something about me that she realized I was out of her purview, like I was above her pay grade.

Okay, So I was like, ma'am, Like I'm literally like, ma'am, please, let's let's be reasonable.

Calm down.

Can you at least just take my vitals.

That's all I'm here for, Just take my vitals.

And then she's like, we need to call the ambulms.

We need to call.

You need to go.

Like she's like, really, like you need to go, you need to go through the yard.

So I was like, okay, well, can you just just check my vitals?

So she's like, I have to get permission from my supervisor.

So she like goes in the back.

She comes out, she's like, okay, my supervisor said I can check your vitals.

But then you need to go to the to the er, like we can call an ambulance for you, and so I was like, I'm fine.

So they checked my vital and everything looked great.

My blood pressure was normal, my heart rate was normal, I've got oxygen flowing through my system.

Like everything was good.

So what do I think.

I'm fine?

So I get on the phone with one of my girlfriends who's a nurse, and she's like, dang, no, you need to go to the er.

I'm like, no, I need to go home and take an out.

So I go home and I take an out and so I wake up and I feel better, like everything is back to normal.

My vision is restored, everything's great, no more Tingly, left side of my body wasn't numb anymore.

And I was like, well, praise the Lord.

And I thought I was okay until it happened again.

So then I call my doctor.

Now it's a weekend, okay, So I call my doctor.

I had to leave a voicemail and let them know what's going on, and I was like, you know, I need to come in on Monday when you all open, because this is kind of Craig Gray at this point, y'all.

On Monday, my doctor calls and I go to a doctor.

I've been going to him for like eighteen years.

It's one doctor and one nurse, so they know me pretty well.

So my nurse calls me.

Your name is Jennifer and she laid me out.

She was like, I cannot believe you did not go to the emergency room.

What were you thinking?

You could have had an str ok?

E da da da da da da da.

And I was like, you know, I just didn't want to wait.

And she's like, Dan, if you would have walked into the er and told them I think I'm having an str ok, they would have seen you immediately.

And I was like, well, nobody told me that.

I mean, all of this could have been avoided if I would have known that, right, So why am I telling you this crazy story other than to embarrass my hard head itself.

One.

I believe in doctors and if your doctor says goes to the er, or any medical professional says to go to the er, go But the reason I'm telling you this story is because there was a situation that I was trying to avoid and it could have turned out really, really bad.

Now, the conclusion to that story is I was indeed fine.

I did have an MRI because my doctor did not believe me.

She's like, I don't believe that you're fine.

I don't believe this.

Something like this happens and you're just normal, so we're gonna do it MRIs.

So I had to have it, and they did not see anything other than maybe an old sinus infection, like scarring from a sinus infection, something silly.

I don't know, but I did not have an SDR oke.

There's nothing on my brain showing that.

And I don't know why that whole situation happened.

Maybe God just knew I needed a good story to bring up years later on a podcast.

But my point to you in telling you that story is there are times that we avoid the conversations that need to happen because we're afraid of the truth.

Why didn't I go to the er.

Yes, I didn't want to wait for six to eight hours, but if I'm really honest, I also was afraid that they would tell me that I'm having an str oke and I didn't want to face that, even though that may have been the truth glaring me in my face.

And this is the truth, friends, If we continue to avoid these conversations.

Then what happens is it just gets worse.

You see, avoiding the problem doesn't make it go away at all.

You know that avoiding does not keep the peace.

It simply postpones the pain.

Now again, in my situation, I think it was the Good Lord who just had mercy on my crazy soul and was like, let's just heal her.

Okay, heal her because she's not going to the er.

But it could have been a lot worse than that.

And so I want you to think about what are some of the conversations that you are avoiding in your relationship that you need to have.

I'm going to give you eight and then we're going to talk about how to actually have those conversations.

And then I'm going to tell you another story that's really gonna help to tie this all together.

But before we do all that, we have to take a quick break for a word from our sponsor.

Don't go anywhere as a matter of fact, joining the commercial break, take this time to subscribe or follow the podcast that you haven't already And also, if you have not already checked out my free devotional for my brand new books Right and True, you can have over to Danasha dot com, Forward slash, Tried and Truped and get your free debo.

I'll tell you more about it after the break.

All right, we'll be right back.

All right, my friends, Well we're back.

Before the break.

I was telling you my crazy story about why I didn't go to the er, and the real reason is because I was afraid.

And I think, if we're honest, fear is usually the driving factor that keeps us stuck in many areas of our lives, not just this area.

So how do I get around fear?

I am a person who has dealt with many fears throughout my life, and one of the things that helps me is to ask myself what am I afraid of?

Like sit with that question and think about it.

Don't just ask yourself a rhetorical question and then go wash the dishes or something like.

Ask yourself the question and then answer the question, like, sit with it.

What am I afraid of?

So in my case, it was what if I'm having an s t r OK.

I'm afraid that I'm gonna have limited mobility.

I'm afraid that I could I'm afraid that I could die.

I'm afraid that my kids are gonna be left without a mom.

I'm afraid, like, let yourself go there?

And why why would you do that to yourself?

Right?

Why would you let yourself think about the worst?

Well, because the next question that you're gonna ask yourself is what's the worst that can happen?

What's the worst that can happen?

If I die?

God forbid that I'm going to heaven?

If I am having an scr okae and I don't die and I have limited mobility, is that the worst that can happen?

Like, ask yourself that, let yourself answer those questions, and then the next question is and then what so what am I afraid of?

What's the worst that can happen?

And then what I'm telling you all this has saved my life in so many situations, big situations, little situations.

I'm afraid to go and introduce myself to somebody.

Why am I afraid?

This isn't who I am, This isn't like me at all?

Why am I afraid?

Why am I holding myself back?

Then I ask myself the next question, right, which is what's the worst that can happen?

Oh my gosh, they can reject me, they can say get out of here, you lady, we don't want to talk to you.

Whatever it is, like, what's the worst that can happen?

And then the next question is and then what So use that template for the situations in your life that cause you fear.

So I want you to keep that little template in mind, and we're going to get into what these eight conversations are.

So in a lot of marriages, you have usually one spouse who's the talker and then the other spouse who's the avoid That's usually how it is.

Now you might have a rare marriage where you have two talkers or two avoids.

That can happen, but in most marriages you're going to have one who's one way and the other who's another way, because opposite is attract So just know who you are.

Like, if you're the avoid this conversation is going to hit you right on the nose.

If you're the talker, it's also going to encourage you because I'm going to help you to be able to have conversations in a way that your avoiding spouse actually participates in.

So there's a story in the Bible, and I've included it in my book Tried and True.

It's the story of Isaac and Rebecca.

If you don't know that story, you have to flip over to Genesis in chapter twenty five.

And Isaac and Rebecca were a hot mess.

Okay, I've talked about these hot mess relationships a lot because so many of them were hot messes.

In Isaac and Rebecca's story, they really dealt with favoritism of their children.

They had twin boys, Jacob and Esau.

Isaac favored Esau, Rebecca favored Jacob, and this caused a lot of problems in their marriage.

It caused problems in their parenting, and eventually it caused a huge rift in their family that still has ramifications to this day in the Middle East.

All Right, So I want to focus on this story real quick, because there were many conversations that Isaac and Rebecca needed to have about their parenting, about their fears, about their favorite artism, about Isaac's fears even that he had, and where he fit in the whole order of God's covenant.

Like, there was a lot going on in this marriage, and there were many conversations that they avoided, and I believe that if they would have had those conversations, they could have saved their family and avoided this huge rift that happened, and potentially we today, thousands and thousands of years later, would not still be walking out their failures.

So maybe in your marriage you also have conversations that you're avoiding about children.

That's not one of the eight, but it certainly could be right And if so, then just kind of keep that in the back of your mind.

We're going to go through these eight conversations and then again I'm gonna help you to start to have more productive conversations.

Okay, So the first conversation that I think that many of us are avoiding is the conversation of unmet expectations.

We all have one when I do premarital counseling.

This is one of the first lessons that we talk about unmet expectations or act technically, it's unspoken expectations and unmet needs.

Why because we all go into marriage with expectations.

We think that marriage is supposed to look a certain way.

We believe our spouse is supposed to treat us a certain way.

We think that we are going to respond a certain way, and then you get married and none of that happens.

And if you're not talking about it, then you're going to build up number two, which is resentment.

Resentment is the second conversation that many people are avoiding.

You don't talk about your resentments.

You either pretend that they're not there.

You pray them away, so you think.

But the thing about prayer, prayer work.

So don't get me wrong.

Okay, I love prayer.

Prayer works, but prayer does not work if you're still holding onto the unforgiveness, the bitterness that is feeding the resentments.

So you've got to be willing to release the unforgiveness, release the bitterness so that the resentment will lose its power.

Okay, if you don't do that, then you can pray to your blue in the face, but you're still going to feel resentful.

So unmet expectations the first conversation that I believe many people are avoiding.

The second conversation is resentment caused by unhealed wounds, past trauma, even small little things.

You know, the Bible says it's the little thoughtses that destroy the vineyards.

Sometimes it's not the great, big, huge things.

And that again is what tried and true is about.

We're not talking about these major catastrophic stories, even though some of them are some of them are pretty catastrophic.

But then there are other stories in this book that are not as quote big, but they still cause disconnection.

So if you're dealing with unmet expectations, if you're dealing with resentment, these are conversations that I want to encourage you to have, and I'm going to tell you how in just a moment.

But the third conversation that I think a lot of couples are avoiding is the conversation about boundaries.

Boundaries.

Now, I've done podcast episodes on boundaries.

I will link to some of those.

I have done workshops on boundaries.

I mean, this is one of the things that I'd love to talk about.

It's something that I teach in corporate settings, churches, one on one because every relationship needs boundaries, not just broken relationships.

So if you're thinking, well, my marriage is pretty healthy, Yes, we need some help with some of our conversations, but we really don't need any boundaries, I'm sorry to tell you that you were incorrect.

Every relationship needs boundaries, and because many people do not know that they even need boundaries or how to set them, then naturally they avoid the conversations surrounding boundaries.

The fourth conversation that I believe many people are avoiding is the conversations around disappointments.

Now, if you listened to last week's episode and did a whole conversation on why is marriage harder than I expected, it's a conversation about disappointment.

Again, we expect things to be one way, and then we find out that they're actually a different way, and that causes us not just resentment, but before resentment takes hold, it causes disappointment.

And I truly believe that if you do not deal with your disappointments regularly, you are going to destroy your intimacy absolutely hands down.

So the conversations about disappointment, many people are not telling their spouse, Hey, when you told me that you were going to pick me up at a certain time and you were thirty minutes late, I was really disappointed, you know.

I felt unloved, I felt uncared for, I felt untaken care of, invalidated, whatever the word is that you might want to use.

No one's having those conversations.

And so then again the disappointment then turns into bitterness.

Bitterness turns into resentment, resentment turns into contempt, and now you're filing papers because your spouse is starting minutes late, and you never talked about it.

I mean, I know that's an oversimplification of the whole process, but you understand what I'm saying.

We've got to be able to start having these conversations about disappointment, all right.

Number five loneliness and marriage.

There is no greater loneliness than the loneliness that you experience and marriage.

Why because the person that you're connected to is supposed to be your companion.

They're supposed to be the antidote for your loneliness.

And so when you do not have a strong connection with your spouse, it is heartbreaking and it can be very difficult to bring that conversation up.

So a lot of people just simply avoid it.

They don't talk about the loneliness that they're experiencing.

Number six Trust issues.

Trust issues especially if your marriage and listen to me closely, if your marriage has been restored from a past betrayal, do you know that it can be even more difficult to talk about trust issues then?

Why?

Because you don't want to rock the boat.

Everything is good, we're doing good.

I don't want to bring up something that might open up the can of worms.

And so this conversation goes unspoken, and then God forbid, something is happening that should have been addressed when it was little has now had the opportunity to grow into this big betrayal again.

So have those conversations.

Okay.

Number seven.

Another conversation that many of us avoid is conversations about the future.

Listen, I don't love talking and thinking about death, but we're all going to die.

I know that's the good news that you came to this podcast for right.

You're gonna die and you need to talk to your spouse about what your plans are.

Okay, now, hopefully you're plans are to go and spend eternity with Jesus.

I'm not talking about that.

I'm talking about your life insurance, your burial, your who gets what?

Right?

Like having the the conversations, the end of life conversations need to happen.

But when I say the future, I'm not just talking about death.

I'm talking about life.

I'm talking about what do we want to do when we retire?

How much money have we put aside for retirement?

Can we afford to live this lifestyle that we both dream about?

How much money do you have saved up?

How much money have you borrowed against your four oh one k?

God forbid?

Like, those are the conversations that people need to have that are largely being avoided.

Conversations about the future, Okay, and then the eighth and final conversation for the purposes of this podcast, obviously we could probably think of one hundred more conversations, right, but the eighth and final conversation is conversations about our winds WI and as our wins.

What does that mean?

Well, a lot of times it's not just the failures that we avoid talking about.

Sometimes it's the successes, especially if you have a marriage where you and your spouse like secretly compete against each other, and you know that it's a problem.

You know that if you tell your spouse that you got promotion and they just got fired, that's going to cause a problem.

If you tell your spouse that, like you just had a breakthrough conversation with someone and they're still struggling in a relationship, or you just tell your spouse that you're really growing in your faith and they're struggling in theirs.

Like, sometimes the wins that we have, the good things, the successful things, that we have going on cause us to avoid conversation.

So maybe again, you found yourself in all eight of these and maybe you're thinking just one or two.

Okay, what do we do about this?

All right?

This is how we're going to fix this.

Okay, friends and listen.

This is why I talk about conversation starters so much.

I have a whole free pdf for you.

It's a free resource called Conversation Starters for Couples in Conflict.

If you've not already downloaded that, you can get it at Danashaye dot com Ford slash Conversation Starters.

There's conversation Starters and Tried and True.

There's conversation Starters and the Tried and True free devotional that you can download at danashay dot com fort slash Tride and True.

I talk about this so much because it's one thing for me to say, have the conversation.

It's another thing for you to be like, but how like literally give me the words to say out of my mouth.

And this is what I'm doing for you today.

I'm giving you some of these conversation starters.

So think about when I was telling you about my possible str oke situation.

Right, if I would have had.

Now in that case, it wasn't necessarily conversation I need to have with Sean or with my doctor, because I did that.

It was really more of a conversation I need to have with myself.

And so that template, that three part template that I gave you, what am I afraid of?

What's the worst?

Second?

And then what?

There you go.

Those are some conversation starters if you need to have conversations with yourself.

But then I want you to think about, what are some other conversation starters that you need to have concerning someone else, your spouse in those eight other situations.

Okay, those eight different conversations that were avoiding.

The first thing I want to tell you is, and I mentioned this at the beginning of the episode, you have to learn to reframe the goal of your conversation.

So going into the conversation with we're gonna fix this.

I'm gonna set him straight.

I'm gonna give her a piece of my mind.

That's not gonna work out.

I'm just telling you it's not gonna work out.

You're setting yourself up for disappointment.

But if you say, hey, I'm gonna go into this conversation because I really want to help my spouse to understand why I think distant, To help my spouse to understand what's going on in my brain, to help my spouse understand why I still have trust issues even though we've been on a good track for two years.

This is a good place to start, Okay.

So two of the best ways that you could start conversations, and you've heard me say this before if you've listened to the show, is I statements.

I talk about I statements all the time because they're so simple, but they're so effective.

So an I statement is essentially you starting off with what is going on inside of you.

You're not making an accusation.

You're giving information.

Okay, so you're not telling your spouse.

Let's use the trust issue conversation for example, you're not telling your spouse you know what, It's been two years and we've been on a good track, but I don't think I can trust you when you came in late the other day.

Yeah, we need to talk about that because we have some trust issues.

That sounds like an accusation and it sounds like a fight, and because you know that in your mind, you're gonna avoid it, and because your spouse is going to hear that they're not going to participate in that conversation.

So how do you use an I statement here?

It is, Hey, this conversation is really hard for me to talk about because I don't want to rock the boat.

Like, just put it out there.

Whatever your emotion is, whatever your fear is, just put it out there.

I don't want to rock the boat.

I don't want you to think that I'm nitpicking.

I don't want us to go backwards.

Whatever it is, you start there and then you use the I statement.

An I statement is what you have experienced and what you need to happen.

Write what you feel.

So this conversation is really hard for me because I don't want to rock the boat.

But I feel really insecure when you come home super late at night.

I know we've done a lot of work to rebuild our trust, and I'm proud of us, but I need this is important.

So you said, I feel right, I feel insecure when you come home late.

I need you to please start coming home at a reasonable time, or I need you to call me if you're going to be running late something like that.

Don't just leave him hanging with feel insecure?

What do you need, ma'am or sir, let your spouse know what you need.

So that's a beautiful conversation starter using an I statement another conversation, and this isn't really a starter per se, but it's also as you're having the conversation, to allow for some taking of turns.

Okay, I'm laughing because I'm telling on myself, y'all.

I am a talker.

Okay, I talk for a living.

I'm a speaker.

I'm a podcast host.

You know, I talk all the time.

Right, So when I'm having these conversations with Sean, I have to remember he's not such a talker, so I have to let the conversation breathe for a little bit.

And he always does this, like when we're talking to the kids together about something serious, he'll tap me on my knee.

And that's like, Dana, be quiet, you talked long enough, right, And so I have to remember that because he's not on tap me on my knee if I'm talking to him, because he knows what's good for him.

So I have to let the conversation breathe.

It's okay to take a little pause, right, let the conversation read, because in that breathing, your spouse might say something really profound, or a new idea might come to you, or you realize my mission has been accomplished.

I've let them know how I feel, and now we can go on to the next part of the conversation, which is coming back a different day, leave space to have a follow up conversation.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Everything does not have to be solved in one conversation.

So if you went into the conversation and your goal was I want to let my spouse know that I'm feeling some disconnection and I want to nip it in the bud before it grows, well, if you accomplish that purpose, great, that conversation is over.

And if you feel like things are unresolved, then you can just simply say, okay, are we good here?

I do this a lot with Sean.

Are we good?

Are we good here?

And if it answer is yes, then it's okay.

Great.

Or if you're like, I really feel like there's more that I want to talk to you about, can we talk again tomorrow?

That is so effective because now you're lowering the pressure that we've got to solve all of these problems in one day and this is our final point today.

You also rob yourself of a win.

If you were able to communicate your needs to your spouse and they listen, that is a win.

So go with it, be happy about that, celebrate it, and then come back for another episode, another session, another conversation for another day.

Well, I hope that this has been really helpful for you.

If you all practice what I am teaching you on this podcast, you were going to notice significant increases in your communication skills.

Significant.

Whether it's with your spouse, you can use these same principles on your job, with your children, your friends, whomever.

So have the conversations that need to be had.

This is my little homework for you.

Okay, I want you to think about what are two conversations that I have been avoiding?

What are two and then choose the easiest one and start it.

Okay, no more procrastigatating, no more delay, No more I gotta pray about No we pray about it enough.

Thus, stay of the Lord.

If it is time to talk if okay, So, thanks so much for listening.

I know I've thrown a lot of resources at you today.

Get the conversation starters if you need that at Danish Shay dot comport slash conversation starters, but I want everybody to get the free, tried and True five day devotional.

You can find that at Danahshay dot com Forward slash Tried and True.

I'm so excited about this new book.

I believe you're gonna love it.

I loved writing it, and I cannot wait for you to get your hands on More details on that coming up, But in the meantime, I hope you've had an incredible day.

If you're listening to this podcast in real time, Happy New Year.

New Year is just around the corner, and I can't wait to talk to you on our next episode.

Take care,