How Not To Suck At Divorce (00:00)

nothing is going to be fair. So you've got to stop saying that this isn't fair.

Morgan L. Stogsdill (00:05)

The legal system is not set up for revenge. It is not set up for justice.

It is not set up for retribution. Period.

How Not To Suck At Divorce (00:13)

You're not gonna do anything that's gonna change a high conflict person's demeanor or behavior.

Andrea Rappaport (00:21)

If you're going through a divorce or thinking about getting a divorce, this is the podcast for you. Hosted by Morgan Stogsdill, the head of family law at the largest family law firm in the country and comedian Andrea Rappaport, you're gonna laugh, you're gonna learn, you're gonna avoid major divorce mistakes. This is How Not to Suck at Divorce.

How Not To Suck At Divorce (00:43)

I got to give you guys a little behind the scenes action. We were just chatting before I hit record and I could tell that Morgan thought that we were already recording. And so I said, wait, are you like talking, talking right now? And she's like, what? She thought I was already recording. I was not. And I could like feel the energy. felt like this is like, like Morgan's really communicating to me right now.

as if she thinks that there are millions of people listening.

Morgan L. Stogsdill (01:12)

And I was launching into this story about my morning, because I'm recording from my office currently. And my morning started out little rocky. I got to the office. I work in a really big high rise, like up way past the 25th floor up in the sky. And all the elevators were out. this is maybe a first. I mean, I have been.

working at this place for forever, right? This is a first. So our options were to basically climb with all my bags and my lawyer outfit up to 31 floors, or we had to wait in this long line to take this freight elevator like a bunch of packed in monkeys. And we had to stop at every floor. So that's what I did. So I got up to the office. I'm a little agitated. And guess what? I look over. I'm like, what is that on my desk? Open it up. It's a gift from a client.

She sent, this client just sent me a nice gift with all these, you know, Garrett's popcorn from Chicago. Tons of mini bags of Garrett's popcorn. And the note was just basically like, thank you for being on my team. Enjoy. She sent it to my whole team that's working on her case. And man, you say that all the time, Andrea. You always say, just go that little extra mile for your lawyer. And I'll tell you, that really brightened my day and my team's day. They all came running.

They were so excited. And I'll tell you one thing, they're not going to forget that this client did that, went that extra mile.

How Not To Suck At Divorce (02:38)

No, just as much as they're not going to forget that they either had to climb 31 flights of stairs or ride in a freight elevator like a bunch of monkeys, that sound bite's not going to leave my brain anytime soon. ⁓ Wow, you've had a morning. You also had a weekend because I sent you a rather, I don't know, one could say shacking text message at one point this weekend. Your eyes are giving me you don't even know what I'm talking about.

Morgan L. Stogsdill (03:07)

I have

no idea what you're talking about.

How Not To Suck At Divorce (03:08)

You have no memory

of the shocking text message that sent just waves through your entire life. Nothing.

Morgan L. Stogsdill (03:18)

my

God, I'm feeling really bad about myself right now. I was going up in positivity and now I'm going down. What's happening?

How Not To Suck At Divorce (03:26)

Girlfriend, what did I text you about the least, least, about the most recent two episodes of the world famous All's Fair?

Morgan L. Stogsdill (03:36)

OK, now my brain is going. ⁓

How Not To Suck At Divorce (03:38)

the last two episodes of the Kim Kardashian dramedy called, what is it called? All's Fair, I can't even think of what it's called. The last two episodes after a horrendous beginning were like actually really good. I mean, like, and this is like,

This is spreading. This is giving shockwaves across, I think, social media right now because we are all floored at how this terrible show about family law. It's like they were waiting. It's like they were like, we're going to gaslight everyone into thinking that this show sucks for the first three torturous episodes.

Oh my God, the last two, Morgan, my jaw was dropped and I had to send you a text message at whatever time that was just to let you know that it had me. It had me.

Morgan L. Stogsdill (04:30)

I have no recollection

of any of these text messages and I don't even think I was drinking, so I am actually really scared for myself and also scared that you are still watching that show.

How Not To Suck At Divorce (04:41)

Why? I don't give up. Wait, I did. I sent you, right? It was you. I swear to God, I sent you a text that said, yes, I did. And then you kind of ignored it. Yeah, that tracks. Yeah. You're like, I think you're responseless. You're a loser. Stop watching that show. Okay. Well, hard truth.

The show that you might think sucks, maybe it doesn't suck as bad as it does. And I'm just going to give it to you straight. Okay? I wouldn't be doing my job if I was just telling you what everybody else tells you. So maybe you can't judge a book by its cover. Maybe this show does have something in it, but you're not here for that because I'm guessing you couldn't care less about Kim Kardashian or the dramedy that is All's Fair. That is what it's called, right?

Morgan L. Stogsdill (05:36)

It is. Yep.

How Not To Suck At Divorce (05:36)

Okay, here's what you're here for today. The real talk, the hard truths. So we're going to share with you what we would tell you about divorce if we weren't afraid of hurting your feelings.

Morgan L. Stogsdill (05:51)

Mm-hmm, that's right. And I'm going to jump into the first hard truth. And this is probably going to get some blowback, but I'm going to jump right in because why not? All right, blowback. All right, so the first hard truth is when you're going through a divorce, I want you to lower your expectations. I know, everyone's like, what? No, this is my life. What are you talking about? All right, let me get into it a little bit.

How Not To Suck At Divorce (05:59)

blow back.

Morgan L. Stogsdill (06:15)

So I woke up this morning prepping for this show thinking about what I'm going to say. And something on Instagram popped up on my feed. And it was a woman that basically said, I lowered my overall expectations, which lowered my disappointment in my husband and in myself. And it just stuck with me because it's so true. I think back to so many clients that I had. And if.

your expectations of what you're going to receive in the divorce, how the divorce is going to go, are just lowered a little bit. You will feel so much more comfortable in the process because when you're not getting exactly what you want, it's not going to feel like the end of the world. So I know Andrea is already rolling her eyes here, but how do you do that? How do you lower your expectations? I mean, you're probably thinking, what is Morgan talking about? Number one is, we've talked about this on other episodes, you need to bet on yourself.

If you feel confident that the only person out there that's really looking out for you is you and you can rely on yourself, then you are able to actually lower your expectations in the divorce. And when you lower your expectations in the divorce process, you're keeping your eye on the prize. And this is the thing that I feel like so many people miss in divorce because they get so stuck in the minutia, in the details. The eye on the prize, what's the prize? The prize is getting out of this with your dignity.

The prize is your divorce, getting it done. Because the longer it goes on, the more money, the more heartache, all of these things. And I'm not saying leave it all on the table and walk away. I'm saying if you had a little bit of lower expectations about what the divorce may look like, it may help you overall.

How Not To Suck At Divorce (08:05)

Yeah. mean, obviously I agree with all of that. think the challenge is what are the steps that somebody takes in order to bet on themselves? And that's what I wished we could solve for people. And I don't know. I think the problem is that when you're in a calm state, you can do that. But I wish we had a magic wand that could help somebody who's not calm and who's totally scared and overwhelmed.

lower their expectations. I'm trying to think of what would have helped me back in time, you know, back when I was in that space. What do you got?

Morgan L. Stogsdill (08:43)

Well, I mean, think it's all about preparation. We always say this, too. It's all about research, preparation, having a plan with your lawyer. So I'm going to tell you a story, which I think, because people are going to say, what does that mean? What are my expectations? Let's just talk about financials. If you know within a range where your case could end up, your expectation should be on the lower range.

If you exceed that, that's just icing on the cake. And I'm not saying that always take the lower amount of money. I'm saying you know the range and you should have your expectations on the lower part of the range so that you don't get stuck in the details, in the minutia at the end of the case and cause yourself more money. I once had a client, very high end guy, and we talked about ranges and he was very quiet about it and there was a lot, a lot of money at stake.

And at the end of the divorce, he came to our office and he thanked us for doing our job. And I said, is there something else that you have to kind of like let us in on? Because you kind of seem buttoned up and I don't know if there's something else you want to talk about. And he said, I lowered my expectations, but I also knew the range. And you saved me millions upon millions of dollars

because what I had expected to pay out was millions more than I ended up paying out. And he did that because he lowered his expectations.

He thought in his mind he was going to have to pay more to get out of the marriage, and it actually worked out better.

How Not To Suck At Divorce (10:08)

like sitting here rolling my eyes at that story. Cause I'm like, fuck that guy, millions. I was expecting to have millions more paid out. I mean, good for him. how'd you get that money? What I want to know. But you know, also I think so many of our listeners are like, like, like their eyes are like glazing over. They're like, okay, I'm talking about how am going to feed my kids? And this guy has that he saved millions like Bravo, sir. One thing that like, yeah, like fuck off.

Morgan L. Stogsdill (10:34)

What an asshole.

How Not To Suck At Divorce (10:37)

One thing that came to my mind that I actually did the most recent time that I was in court, like post divorce decree, was I remember asking my attorney, give me worst case scenario, give me best case scenario, give me the realistic outcome in your opinion. Yeah.

Morgan L. Stogsdill (10:58)

Exactly. Yes.

How Not To Suck At Divorce (11:00)

So I said, as you know, this is somebody at your firm whom I was working with, and it helped me so much

And I think that one of our jobs on this show and the reason why we're doing this episode in particular is even a really good attorney, they might not think without you asking them to do that.

So it's on you. If you want the best experience possible, then you have to be your own advocate. And part of lowering your expectations is asking your attorney those questions. And like we say, even when you are hiring an attorney to say, these expectations that I have, are these realistic? What's really going to happen?

Morgan L. Stogsdill (11:45)

Right. And I don't think anyone can lower their expectations until they know the range of what they're looking at, right? So that's number one. But the second thing that I want you to know and what the takeaway is, is keep your eye on the prize. The prize is the divorce. The prize is the divorce. And sometimes people get so amped because they are just in this flood of emotions that they are stuck in these details rather than the big prize, which is the divorce.

How Not To Suck At Divorce (12:11)

I think for people who didn't want the divorce, that's still a tough one for them to wrap their arms around because they're like, well, I didn't even want this. They're still trying to figure out, Morgan and Andrea, you guys are always talking about five years from now, my life is going to look so much better. I didn't even want this. I think that that's something that also just takes time. But again, you deserve to be in a marriage.

that your partner wants to be in with you. So even if you think from your perspective that things were fine, they were not fine. Leading me in to my first hard truth that I want you to know if I weren't afraid of hurting your feelings, which is

nothing is going to be fair. So you've got to stop saying that this isn't

fair. Get it out.

Stop saying it. It doesn't help you. It doesn't help your attorney. It's a waste of time. You're literally paying your attorney money to have them hear you say, this isn't fair. Nobody cares. The judge doesn't care what's fair. Your attorney doesn't care at this point because this is what they do for a living and they see this

every single day all day long of things that are quote unquote not fair happen. It's not about being fair. This is an imperfect process. It's again relating it back to number one. You've got to focus on what your life will be like after this. But if you are keeping score, if you're tally marking every single thing that she's getting versus what you're getting,

Or if you're looking at this through the lens of like, but this isn't fair for my kids, which is the hardest thing, you're going to drive yourself insane.

Morgan L. Stogsdill (14:02)

I mean, there's a reason that fair is not anywhere in our legal statute or laws. It's just not, because the word is stupid. It just is in divorce. If you look at or ask your attorney what the standard is to get a divorce, where I practice, it's equitable. It seems a little bit looser than fair, because fair just seems like up in the clouds. And that's why people don't like to use that word. One of the things that Andrea kind of glazed over but talked about just now is,

Don't be the bean counter. Nobody likes a bean counter. And what I mean by that is exactly like tallying up. She got x more days, two more days a month with the children. Those little things really will get you stuck in the divorce.

How Not To Suck At Divorce (14:48)

back up because I want you to talk about what equitable means.

Morgan L. Stogsdill (14:51)

So first of all, you have to know what jurisdiction you're in. So where I am is Illinois. So the jurisdictions differ everywhere you go.

How Not To Suck At Divorce (15:00)

So let's

start with geography. Do you know where you live? Check mark.

Morgan L. Stogsdill (15:03)

Exactly.

Do you even know what the capital is in your state or in your country? Where do you live?

How Not To Suck At Divorce (15:10)

Lower

your expectations. Start with a map.

Morgan L. Stogsdill (15:13)

Exactly. But where I am equitable can mean a lot of things. mean, they give judges discretion if it ever went to a judge to make sure that, you know, maybe this account isn't exactly divided 50-50, but this account is. Maybe the children are a little bit more with mom because that's equitable given the circumstances. There's a lot of play and discretion.

in the law that allows judges to do what they think is equitable. It's not going to be fair. And remember, fair is really what matters to you and your family. That's not the law or the standard.

How Not To Suck At Divorce (15:53)

So here's how I'm going to tie in the first hard truth with the second hard truth. It's going to be on you to ask your attorney, all right, fill me in on the law of where we reside on the map because I took a look at my kid's placemat and I learned that we lived in Iowa. And here in Iowa, talk to me about what is equitable. What is done? What's the standard?

here so that I then have a realistic expectation and I can lower my unrealistic expectations of what goes on here.

Morgan L. Stogsdill (16:29)

Yeah, agreed. you know, I like, at least with my clients, I like to give them a range, especially when we have the universe set meeting. In general, the minute that they come in to talk to me, I'm saying to them at the end of the meeting, this is probably what would happen range wise if you were to go to court. And I don't have a full balance sheet. But then when I do have a full balance sheet and everything is put together in a beautiful box, then I have another conversation with them with the range.

And that's what allows them to put their expectations really in a tight place.

How Not To Suck At Divorce (17:02)

here's what I don't want you to do. And here's why I think it's really dangerous to get into the land of it's not fair. It does something to your brain where it puts you in even more of like a victim mentality than where you naturally already want to be living in because divorce is painful. And it's, you're getting.

Morgan L. Stogsdill (17:02)

This one.

How Not To Suck At Divorce (17:24)

Sometimes you're getting bad news every other day. Every time you check your email, you're seeing something from your attorney that you don't like. When you start looking at things as not being fair, it takes you to the exact opposite mindset of a business, which is how we need you to remain. the other thing that I'm going to tell you is the hardest part of all of this is sometimes...

explaining this shit to your family and friends. Because you might be doing really well, right? Like you're listening to this show, you're like, okay, I got it, I understand, I learned where I live, I learned what equitable means, I'm gonna bet on me, ba ba ba. And then you're gonna sit down for Thanksgiving dinner, and you're gonna fill your family in on everything, and your mom's gonna say, well, that doesn't sound fair. Well, that's not fair. Why does she?

get that? Why does he get that? And at first you're going to say, well, mom, let me give you a lesson on the word equitable. Pull up my PowerPoint presentation. Here you go. But then they're going to keep going because your family and your friends, care, but they're not as knowledgeable as you are in this area. Hearing that shit in your ear is going to start to wear on you.

Morgan L. Stogsdill (18:39)

What do you do? You don't share that information. Or you have one confidant. Maybe I have clients who bring in their father. And we talk in general about the strategy with the father around. And you have to be careful about confidentiality and all those things. But usually, if you have one person who's on board with the strategy and understands why we're doing what we're doing,

It kind of minimizes those conversations. But definitely get rid of the backseat drivers. They are not helpful. They do not get you closer to the prize, which is divorce. I'm going to pop into one more thing that if I wasn't afraid to hurt your feelings, I would tell you this. Here we go.

The legal system is not set up for revenge. It is not set up for justice.

It is not set up for retribution. Period.

That's a hard thing to hear because there are people out there that are experiencing some really tough stuff. And there are people out there that might not be following court orders or doing inappropriate things. And yes, there are remedies for that. But rarely, if you go the long haul on those remedies and it takes a long time to get into court generally to have that remedy, it usually doesn't feel as good as you

hoped.

It's not the justice you were seeking. It's not the revenge you really wanted and probably deserve because the justice system is just not set up like that. And so what I want you to think about there is I don't want you to waste time and do something stupid because you feel like the legal system is failing you. I don't want you to go on and hammer out a bunch of text messages or emails that are inappropriate that could hurt you later.

We want you to use a system like our Family Wizard. Our Family Wizard is the number one application where co-parents can talk online. And it's monitored, if you would like. It's evidence for you. And also, the best part is if you're having that rocky co-parenting relationship or you're having a really difficult time communicating with each other, there is something called the tone meter on there that kind of gets you to back up, take a beat.

before sending something that you would regret or the court would not like to see.

How Not To Suck At Divorce (20:47)

You know what? This like dovetails right into my next one, which is you're likely focusing on your ex more than you're focusing on you. Stop doing that. Stop focusing on everything that they are doing. Well, I mean, this is something that I hear all the time and I did this too. I mean, I really actually just wanted to do this.

three days ago and I stopped myself. Why is he sending me the kids in clothes that don't fit them anymore? Are you doing this because you know that my kids are eight and 10 and they no longer wear a five T and a four T and you know that I'm gonna put them in clothes that fit them, therefore then you will get good clothes going back to your house and I keep the toddler clothes that they haven't worn in years? Probably not.

They're probably not doing it intentionally. They're doing it because they're dumb. Okay? Let it go. And even if they are doing it intentionally, guess what? There's no such thing as teaching anybody a lesson.

Nobody's in school, nobody cares.

You're not gonna do anything that's gonna change a high conflict person's demeanor or behavior.

Morgan L. Stogsdill (22:02)

yeah, and the reason you're moving on from your marriage is because you can't change the other person. So I don't know why people, we almost need to like snap ourselves back and say, okay, Brenda and Chad, which we always talk about on our podcast, that's our couple, Brenda and Chad are getting divorced. Brenda

isn't gonna change. Brenda's 44 years old and been living this way. And now we're going into a tough co-parenting relationship. You think Brenda's gonna just all of a sudden get better?

it's probably going to get a little worse. And to save your own sanity, do exactly what Andrea is saying. Let it go. Let it go.

How Not To Suck At Divorce (22:40)

Girl, praise and preach. Watch me. Watch me tie all this shit together, okay? You're Chad.

You are divorcing Brenda because Brenda is a controlling witch and you can't live under Brenda's broom anymore. Do see how I'm like tying in so many things right now? Like we've got a wicked reference. We've got like, I mean, there's so much happening. Okay, good.

So you decided, Chad, poor Chad, that you cannot deal with this anymore. Well, guess what, buddy? You now need to lower your expectation that when you're divorcing Brenda, the witch from the West, she's not going to all of sudden become a nice person. Bitch ain't going to become Glenda in this process, right? If she was a witch prior to you filing for divorce,

then have a realistic expectation of how she's going to be in this process. Don't focus on what's fair. Have that conversation with your attorney. Okay, this is whom I'm divorcing. Give me what's equitable in the state of wherever the hell I live in, Oz. What's equitable here in the land of Oz? And how will this go? Give me the realistic breakdown.

When Chad, sit down for Thanksgiving dinner with all of the munchkins, don't let the little munchkins say, well, I would do this with Brenda and what,

maybe you need to have a line that you say that says, you know what? I know you guys care so much, all you little munchkins and munchkin land, but

here's my blanket statement and that's all I'm gonna get into right now because there's so many details and there's so much going on and it doesn't help me, because ultimately they wanna help you. It doesn't help me to get into it right now and I just wanna focus on having a really great family dinner.

Morgan L. Stogsdill (24:39)

Right, and Brenda's behavior, like we said, is not going to get better. So your eyes should be on the prize. What's the prize? Getting rid of Brenda, not really, but like getting rid of her in a divorce. Get that divorce from Brenda. It might not get completely better after the divorce, but at least that's one chapter that you're closing and starting a new one.

How Not To Suck At Divorce (24:59)

you'll have to co-parent with Brenda, but you won't be in it every single day. And you won't be in a spot where you'll think, my God, every single thing I do has to be okayed by this woman where nothing is enough. Nothing is right by her. And you have the ability to move on romantically and have that part of your life that was likely an empty void for so long.

you know, be filled. ⁓ The last thing that I want to like tie in here with my last hard truth is stop focusing on Brenda. Stop letting your mind always go to what Brenda is doing. What are you doing? And I'm not saying in a negative way. I'm saying, what about the positive things that you're doing?

What about the positive things that your kids are doing? Everybody focuses, because it's natural, we're wired this way, to focus on how much our kids are hurting during this. And I don't know why we do it. I don't know if it's because it's just like in our face and we're so sad and scared that our kids are hurting and we wonder if it's ever going to get better or if it's because we want it to change. I don't know. I'm like thinking while I'm talking here.

You know, there are so many great moments with my kids when I went through my horrible divorce process that I probably wasn't even aware of because I was just focusing on the bad. There's so many beautiful moments. Your kids are going to hurt. That's an extra hard truth. They're going to hurt, but it's not going to kill them. It will not kill them. They will be better. They will be OK. And...

they will be more resilient adults because of how they navigated something, a challenge, when they were younger, but they're looking to you. So if you're worried about your kids, focus on you.

Morgan L. Stogsdill (26:54)

love that. And you know, why today? Because Andrea and the fact that if you have not the right attorney for you that's going to push back on to it to you straight. And this straight talk is not fully saying it. And yes, we're probably get the hate mail. Bring it on. And you know what? We app

How Not To Suck At Divorce (27:17)

We're ready.

Morgan L. Stogsdill (27:20)

The non-hate mail too will answer you as well. these are the truths that are out there that most lawyers deal with every day and should be telling you when you're kind of going off track. And that's what we wanted to talk about today to make you better in this process.

How Not To Suck At Divorce (27:35)

So Morgan, before we recap

all of these, I want to sit for a minute in Munchkinland with these other lines that somebody can say, because in real time right now, if you're listening to this episode when it launched, we're coming up on a holiday week. We're coming up on the somewhat dreaded Thanksgiving dinner. For those of you who are going through a tough process right now, I can imagine.

that the last thing you want is to be sitting at the big long table with all your family and all the eyes and ears staring at you because, ⁓ no, you're going through a divorce. What are they doing? How much are they drinking? Are they okay? What can they say?

Morgan L. Stogsdill (28:14)

I think you can just be honest. It's great to see you and you can get in front of it or you can wait till somebody says something. If somebody says something, I think you say exactly what Andrea led with, which is, hey, appreciate your concern, but I really want to have a great night and I don't want to think about that tonight. So pour me another glass of wine, maybe or maybe not. Pour me a tequila shot. If you want to get in front of it, you can just send us, I would suggest sending a simple text to your main core family and just be like, hey, just so you know, before I come,

don't want it to be awkward and I really don't want to think about it tonight, so let's just all have a great time. That's enough to say, don't say anything.

How Not To Suck At Divorce (28:49)

And if mom pulls you aside in the kitchen and it's just you and mom, right? And she says, honey, I'm so worried about you. And I hate that the kids, here's another one. Let's say that this is the first year post divorce and the kids aren't with you because it's his year or her year, right? And somebody makes the comment of, I just hate that the kids aren't here. And they look at you with those eyes of, right, give me a response.

Don't fall for it. Don't get into it. Even if you also hate that they're not there, which I'm sure you do. My God, the first year, I'll tell you guys a true story. ⁓ I was still going through my divorce and ⁓ while I was going through my divorce, everything started in November for me. guess what else happens in November, Thanksgiving? My kids were not only not with me,

but their dad took them out of town for that whole week. So it was the first time, and my kids were little, they were two and four, they were gone from me for a whole week, weeks after the divorce started. I was a fucking mess. I was a mess, mess, mess.

And I remember conversations that I had with family and friends where people are going on and on about how it wasn't fair and I fed into it. I know it's not fair. Can I get them back? What do I do? Do I fly down to Texas and swoop them up on my broom? Like, you know, you're going crazy. It didn't help me. It didn't help me at all. Listening, if I had this podcast when I was going through,

My process, I would have said, okay, you know what? What's gonna help me right now? Focusing on what I can't control, focusing on the fact that they're not here? No. I know you all care. Dad, I know you care. Mom, I know you care. Friends, I know you care. This is what it is. This is what's happening. It's not fair. None of this process is fair. Next year, they will be with me.

And if we really want to cheer me up right now, how about we talk about something else? Let's do a tequila shot off your stomach, dad. That always cheers me up.

Morgan L. Stogsdill (31:05)

got the thought of that. ⁓ That's yeah, exactly. So end with Andrea's suggestion. Always. That's what I would say. Shots on dad's stomach.

How Not To Suck At Divorce (31:13)

Yeah, if you want to make things awkward,

say, Dad, take off your shirt. Let's go. I've got the salt and the lime. You really want to get weird here? Okay. Here we go. Here's a new family tradition.

Morgan L. Stogsdill (31:23)

You know what would make me feel better,

dad? So gross. Anyway.

How Not To Suck At Divorce (31:27)

Daddy. ⁓

Morgan L. Stogsdill (31:30)

that,

I'm going to have to wrap this because that was impressive. I'm going to give them a recap of the things that we're going to tell them that they might not want to hear. All right. One, lower your expectations in your divorce. Figure out what the realm of possibility is in the divorce and be on the lower end of the realm. the legal system.

There's no justice. There's no revenge. It's not going to give you that feeling of, yes, they finally got what was coming to them. The prize is the divorce.

How Not To Suck At Divorce (32:02)

It's not going to be fair. Thinking about things being fair are only going to stick you more in that victim mentality and not in a business mindset, which is where we need you to live. Speaking of where you live, know where you live. Apparently, it matters. Get a map. Figure it out. Whether you live in the land of Oz or whether you live in the land of Iowa, the laws are different. Use that.

and it's on you, go to your lawyer and say, hey, here in Oz, what are all the munchkins doing in their divorce? What happens? Give me a realistic expectation.

Morgan L. Stogsdill (32:39)

And don't let anyone backseat quarterback you. Okay? It's not helpful. Not helpful at Thanksgiving dinner. It's not helpful at the bar. It's not helpful at Johnny's soccer practice. Stay away from backseat quarterbacks.

How Not To Suck At Divorce (32:52)

What the fuck is a backseat quarterback? Did you just blend a Monday quarterback and a backseat driver together?

Morgan L. Stogsdill (33:00)

⁓ did I? No.

How Not To Suck At Divorce (33:01)

Yeah,

Monday morning, a Monday morning quarterback.

Morgan L. Stogsdill (33:05)

I guess it would be like an arm

chair quarterback and a backseat driver. I don't know, okay? You know what I'm trying to say, Andrea. Don't be a backseat quarterback. There you go.

How Not To Suck At Divorce (33:15)

No.

I really think that my line about doing a body shot off your dad really threw you and now we just… I'm sorry. It could be anybody's dad. I mean, it could be anybody's dad or anybody's daddy. ⁓ I know. So gross. I went there. I'm sorry. I can't. Listen, I'm still… I got stuck with you being shoved into a freight train with a bunch of monkeys. You started that.

Morgan L. Stogsdill (33:22)

no, it's my dad.

How Not To Suck At Divorce (33:42)

And then I'm going into body shots off family members. You guys, happy Thanksgiving. I don't know what else to say. And if you're listening to this episode months from now and it's not Thanksgiving, fine. I don't know what else to tell you. You're going to be okay. All right? We're giving you these hard truths because somebody has to. And a lot of times, no matter what

you are paying your attorney, whether it's millions upon millions of dollars, like Morgan's fancy ass client, fuck him, or if you're paying your attorney 200 something an hour, you're gonna have to be your own advocate. Help them help you. So know these hard truths and know that we are serving them up with love. Also know this, divorce is a marathon. It is not a sprint.

pace yourself, buddy. this is Forrest Gump jogging across the entire country, okay? You gotta have a steady pace. You can't just blow your way through this thing because you are gonna run out of steam, you will hit a wall, you will fall apart, and you will make some major mistakes.

Morgan L. Stogsdill (34:52)

If you need more community, we have a private community that is free and confidential on Facebook. We answer all DMs. If you need attorney referrals, we will give them to you. message us. We're here for you. We do this for you. If you need even more help, we have our DCC course online and also other guides that will help you get through this process. Remember, sometimes it's day by day, other times it's hour by hour, and that's OK. You are doing this. And if you feel like you're not doing this,

know that you are. you're going to get through it. And remember on your worst days, you have got this.

How Not To Suck At Divorce (35:26)

We have got you. See our show

for direct links to my favorite line of tequila.

How Not To Suck At Divorce (35:31)

The How Not to Suck a Divorce podcast shall not be copied or rebroadcast without consent. This podcast does not contain legal advice. The information heard in this podcast is not and shall not be construed as legal advice.