Don't judge today's progress by yesterday's definition of success.

What mattered then might not matter now.

Don't hold yourself hostage to the dreams of your younger self.

It's okay if you've outgrown them.

Don't compare today's version of you to an old standard that no longer fits.

Yesterday's goals were right for who you were, then today's goals are right for who you are right now.

The number one health and wellness podcast, Jay Setty, Jay Sheetty.

Hey, everyone, welcome back to On Purpose.

It's your host, Jay Shetty.

And whether you're cooking, whether you're cleaning, whether you're rushing off to work, whether you're at the gym, whether you're walking your dog.

I'm so grateful that you're joining me.

Thank you for letting me into your life and your ears.

I don't take your time for granted, and I want to make this the best thirty minutes to shift your mindset.

Thanks for investing this time and let's go get it.

So.

If you've been feeling stuck, if you're feeling late, if you're feeling behind, this episode is for you.

Maybe you're seeing all your friends get married right now and you're thinking I don't even know who I'm gonna be with.

Maybe all your friends are getting promoted or moving into a nicer apartment, and you're thinking, I'm still living at home.

Maybe some of you are looking around you and just thinking everyone seems to be doing better, Everyone seems happier, everyone seems like they have more going on, and I'm feeling bored.

If you felt any of those things, I want you to know that what you're thinking and feeling right now is actually the launch pad to your best self, not a dead end.

See here's the reality.

Our targets haven't changed, they just feel more unattainable than ever.

We grew up in a world that was all about going to college, getting a good degree, getting a good job, getting married, and all these things had to happen by a certain age, then having kids by a certain age, promoted by a certain age, And it almost feels like we're still living by those metrics, but in a world that is drastically change, in a world that is actually processing itself completely differently.

Industries have changed, apps have been invented, There is so much happening with AI and technology, but we're still living by the same metrics of success.

What I want to address today is talk about the emotional response and the thought in your head and the feelings that you're having, and talk to you about the reset, the data, and the reflective approach to what's really happening in our lives.

So the first thought that a lot of us are having right now, and maybe you've had this one as well, is I am behind everyone.

I'm behind, I've been left behind.

Everyone's ahead of me.

I don't know what to do.

Sociologists call this the idea of a social clock milestones like marriage, kids, or career by a certain age.

But studies show that people who deviate from the social clock often report equal or greater life satisfaction.

So we think, if I stay on track, I'll be happier, But the truth is those who deviate are either equally as happy or potentially even more happy.

There's no late, there's only your time.

The social clock is the unspoken timeline society sets for us.

Graduate by your early twenties, marry by your late twenties, kids by thirty, house by thirty five, career peak by forty, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

But what research has found is that they studied adults who are on time following the clock and those who were off time, later or earlier than expected milestones.

The result, people who felt comfortable with their own timing, even if it deviated, reported equal or greater life satisfaction compared to those who rigidly followed the clock.

I really want you to digest this.

I really want you to inhale and breed this in.

Those who deviate from the social clock are equally as happy, if not more happy.

If you're not married yet and you think you should be, if you haven't got promoted yet and you think you should be, if you haven't had kids yet and you think you should have, that doesn't steal your chance at a happy, joyful, wonderful life.

That's just not how it works.

The key factor wasn't when milestones happened, but how much control and meaning people felt over their lives.

What we're struggling with at the route is thirty and thirty five and forty gives us a sense of control.

So when we get to thirty two and we haven't found our person, we think we've lost control.

We think we've lost agency, we think we've lost the ability to choose.

We're actually not worried about age.

What we're really worried is about control.

I want to be able to control my life, and if everyone's doing something at thirty, that means I'm out of control.

So what do we do with that?

You control the things you can change, You control the things you can impact, You control the things you can influence.

It's that which is going to make your life happy.

Why this matters psychologically is that feeling in charge of your choices predicts happiness more than hitting milestones on a schedule.

Feeling in charge of your choices, that's what we're looking for as humans.

We want to feel like I know why I'm doing this.

But let's take a look at this.

If you make a decision based on a milestone and your only reason is I think come late, you're not going to feel in charge of your choices.

If your only thought is I don't want to be left behind, you're not really in charge of your choices.

If your only thought is everyone's doing it, why am I not, you're not in charge of your choices, which leads to bad decisions.

Always say to people it's better to be single and deal with the challenges that come with that.

In your mind and in your thoughts.

Then the challenges of being with someone who's not right for you.

It comes with so much more baggage, so much more stress.

So knowing you're in charge of your choices will change your life now.

People who felt pressured by the clock often reported anxiety, depression, or dissatisfaction if they felt behind.

But those who readers find success on their own terms tended to have healthier mental well being.

And this is how that plays out today.

Social clock has loosened since the nineteen sixties.

People marry later, they switch careers more often, they delay kids, and we're going to talk about all of those things later on in this video.

But the pressure still exists, and it's just amplified by social media.

The researcher's finding is more relevant than ever before.

If you detach your self worth from society stopwatch, you actually increase your odds of life satisfaction.

The research proves what we keep trying to avoid.

You're not late.

You're only late if you're living by someone else's watch.

It's almost like you're living in New York, but you're looking at someone who lives in Singapore and thinking you're behind.

Well, of course you're behind.

You live in New York, you can possibly be on the same time as Singapore.

Does that mean you're behind?

Is it weird that Australia celebrates New Year's before all of us?

Does that mean we're behind?

No, we're just following a different clock.

Stop following everyone else's timeline.

Stop believing everyone else's highlight reel.

Stop chasing everyone else's definition of success.

Stop trying to reach everyone else's milestones.

Stop feeling everyone else's pressure to have it figured out.

Stop needing everyone else's validation.

Stop following everyone else's path when your soul is putting another way, that's how you experience peace.

Now, let's say your thought is I haven't found my career or my purpose yet.

The US Bureau of Labor Statistics found the average American changes jobs twelve times in their lifetime.

Careers are far less straight lines than they used to be.

Most of these changes happen before age thirty five, meaning your twenties and early thirties are often about testing, shifting, and experimenting, not locking into one perfect path.

See that's how you feel behind.

You're at an age that is actually more predisposed to experimentation in testing, but because so many people are choosing not to do that and they might be doubling down.

You feel behind, but you're actually at a natural pace.

You're actually finding yourself.

You're discovering yourself.

You're collecting skills, you're collecting experiences and stories.

If you're always looking at the timeline and the track, you'll feel left behind, even if you're having the best experience of your life.

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Now here's the truth.

The economy has shifted.

Previous generations often stayed in one company or one role for decades.

Today industries transform quickly, tech, media, healthcare, so people have to adapt.

Literally, the job I do today didn't really exist fifteen years ago.

And I was just talking about this with my friend about how even in nine years since I started creating content, everything has changed.

TikTok didn't exist.

When I started, YouTube was having a moment.

YouTube's having another moment today.

Podcasting wasn't as big as it is.

When I launched my podcast six years ago.

There were seven hundred thousand podcasts.

Today there's like five million of them.

Everything is changing rapidly.

How could you possibly know what career path you have to take today?

We're looking at the impact of AI on every industry.

It's exciting.

It's not something to get scared about.

There's so much opportunity.

But what we get scared about is why don't I know what I'm doing?

The reality is what you're meant to be doing may not even exist yet.

Values have shifted.

Millennials and gen Z especially prioritize meaning flexibility and growth over stability alone.

It's normal.

Psychologists Honor and Tanner in two thousand and six describe ages eighteen to twenty nine as emerging adulthoo, a stage where identity exploration is expected, not a sign of being lost.

It's psychologically not a sign of being lost.

It's exploration.

When you think you're lost, you're actually exploring.

When you think you're stuck, you're actually discovering.

When you think you've hit a dead end, you're actually at the beginning.

Career zigzags are healthier.

Studies show people who allow themselves to pivot often report higher job satisfaction and engagement because they align better with their strengths.

Linear parts are outdated.

Thinking you need a perfect straight line career is rooted in the industrial era, not in today's fluid, skill based economy.

Your purpose is not your job.

Jobs change, Purpose doesn't get fired.

Your purpose is not your skills.

Skills are tools.

Purpose is why you pick them up.

Your purpose is not your achievements.

Trophies gather dust, purpose keep shining.

Your purpose is not your title.

Titles fade the moment you walk out of the door.

Your purpose is not your income.

Money measures transactions, purpose measures meaning.

Your purpose is not a single moment.

It's not the one big thing.

It's the thread running through all your moments.

Your purpose is not external approval, likes, applause, validation.

They're unstable.

Purpose is what remains when the clapping stops.

Your purpose is why you do what you do.

It's why you exist.

Your purpose is simply to collect and connect.

Spend your life collecting skills and experiences and stories, and at one point you'll find how they connect.

Now, maybe thought is I can't afford a home.

I took a look at the statistics.

I wanted to share the research with you.

Fifty years ago, buying a house felt like climbing a hill.

Today it feels like scaling a mountain.

Incomes simply haven't kept up with the rise of housing prices.

In the nineteen seventies to nineteen nineties, a typical home cost about two point five to three times the average household income.

Example, if you earned thirty thousand dollars, the average house was around seventy nine thousand dollars.

It's hard, but doable with savings.

Now.

In the two thousands, that ratio crept up closer to three times income.

Houses were starting to stretch budgets, but still within reach for many people.

In the twenty tens, after the financial crisis, home prices rebounded much faster than incomes.

The ratio jumped to about four zero point five times income, and today, in twenty twenty five, the gap has grown even more.

A median home costs over six times the median household income in many parts of the United States.

For example, if the average household income makes seventy four thousand dollars, the average home costs four hundred and thirty thousand dollars.

You're not behind if you can't buy a home right now.

The game itself has changed.

Things haven't stayed the same.

Homes have outpaced incomes by two eggs compared to your parents or grandparents' time.

Don't measure yourself today by the goals people had fifty years ago.

Things are different, You're different.

Don't judge today's progress by yesterday's definition of success.

What mattered then might not matter now.

Don't hold yourself hostage to the dreams of your younger self.

It's okay if you've outgrown them.

Don't compare today's version of you to an old standard that no longer fits.

Yesterday's goals were right for who you were then.

Today's goals are right for who you are right now now.

Maybe your thought is I'm not married yet, or I'm not in love yet, i haven't found my person.

The median age for your first marriage in the United States is now thirty for men and twenty eight for women.

That's up nearly a decade from the nineteen seventies.

From Pew Research in twenty twenty one.

No, no, what you're thinking, Jay, I'm thirty, I'm thirty two.

I'm already behind.

I'm four years behind.

You just told me it's twenty eight.

Well take a second.

Do you want to be married or do you want to have a successful marriage, Well, then it's not about age.

Do you want to be in love or do you want to have a healthy relationship, Well, then it's not about age.

Do you want to find someone so you're not alone, or do you want a life partner, Because then it's not about age.

If you want a real, lasting love, a healthy relationship, a life partner, it's got nothing to do with age.

It's all about maturity.

It's all about emotional intelligence, it's all about self mastery.

Relationships don't last or fall apart because of the age you met.

Relationships are not better because you met before thirty and worse because you met after.

They're better because you've got to know yourself.

And so did that person married success is about maturity, not timing.

It's not about age.

I've always found it fascinating.

I love weddings.

I love love.

I've had the fortune of officiating marriages, and when I'm officiating a wedding, the only thing I'm saying to my of in my mind is don't cry.

Don't cry, don't cry.

Because I love love so much.

I love weddings, I love vows, I love all of it.

But here's the thing.

From everyone I've coached and people I've worked with, people spend so much more time and money planning a wedding than they do planning a marriage.

When you're planning a wedding, you're thinking about the guest list.

If you plan your marriage, you'd know whose company you'd want for the rest of your life.

When you're planning a wedding, you're thinking about the budget.

When you're planning a marriage, we often avoid conversations about money.

When you're planning a wedding, you're excited, you're looking forward to it.

When you're living in a marriage, you may lose that spark.

We spend more time planning a wedding than we do a marriage, even though the marriage is what we're going to have for the rest of our life, and the wedding is going to be over in a night.

And I'm not saying weddings are not important.

I had a wedding that I loved.

It was a beautiful, beautiful day.

Trying to help us shift our focus onto building a marriage, not just a wedding, on building love, not just not being lonely.

If you're someone who's thirty two, thirty thirty four, thirty five to forty fifty, whatever it is is, I want you to remind yourself and I want you to say this to yourself.

Marrying later doesn't mean my life will be harder.

It means I have more clarity about what I want.

The time I've taken to grow, to work to know myself is actually giving me a better chance for a good, healthy relationship.

Happiness in marriage doesn't come from marrying young or old.

It comes from communication, shared values, and emotional readiness.

We've got to reprogram our mind, got to shift the way with thinking you're not late.

If you get married at thirty five, you're not late.

If you find your person, you're not late.

If you're still single while everyone else posts wedding photos, you're not late.

If your love story starts later than your friends, you're not late.

If you choose yourself before choosing someone else, you're not late.

If you waited for a healthy love instead of rushing into a toxic one, you're not late.

If you're still figuring out who you are while others settle down, you're not late.

If you build your life first and let love join it later, you're not late.

Now, maybe the next door is the one you're having.

I haven't achieved anything yet, So maybe you found a job that you like.

Maybe you're doing all right in your relationship, but you think you haven't achieved anything right now, there's billionaires that are twenty one years old, thirty years old.

What am I doing now?

There's influences that a millionaire is at sixteen.

What am I doing with my life?

I haven't achieved anything yet.

I haven't won any award.

I haven't been noticed, I haven't been recognized.

I'm sure it's very natural to feel that way.

By the way, there's more awards than ever existed before.

Before we had the Emmys, the Oscars, the Grammys, and the Tony's.

Right today, there's like a million different awards for a million different things.

It feels like we're just making up awards to give them out.

But think about this for a second.

Take a look at this research.

Early bloomers don't guarantee lasting success.

Research from Harvard's Grant Study, the longest running study of adult development, found that life satisfaction at age seventy correlated more with relationship quality than with early career success.

What predicts happiness at age seventy and age eighty.

It wasn't their fame, It wasn't their income, It wasn't their early career achievements that best predicted who was happier later on.

It was the warmth of their relationships with family and friends.

It was the closeness of their community.

People who had close, satisfying relationships at age fifty were healthier, happier, more resilient into old age.

Those who reported being very satisfied in their relationships at middle age tended to have better physical health by their eighties, slower cognitive decline, less chronic illness, mental and emotional well being, even when life was painful, whether you had lost illness or setbacks.

People in warm relationships whethered it better emotionally and physically.

Big wins in your twenties or thirties.

Big titles, money recognition didn't consistently lead to better health or deeper joy later in life if the relationships weren't strong.

Some people who seemed on top early floundered later if their social bones were weak.

At the same time, some with modest achievements but strong connections reported greater life satisfaction.

Don't measure your life by your wins.

Measure it by the people who cheer when you win.

Don't measure your life by what you've achieved.

Don't measure your life by your wins.

Measure your life by the people who stand with you when you lose.

Don't measure your life by what you've achieved.

Measure it by who's there to truly celebrate you.

Don't measure your life by the size of your following.

Measure it by the depth of your friendships.

Don't measure your life by the validation of strangers.

Measure it by the love of the ones who truly know you.

So many of us are getting this wrong.

I recently was at two people's seventieth birthdays, two friends family friends, one of them and another as a personal friend, and I got to go to their seventieth birthday parties, which was truly one of the most special experiences of my life, both of them.

At one of them, we sat one night, probably about one hundred people there that this person had known for decades, their children, their children's friends, They had their friends from all over the years, whether it was school, business, life, work.

And what was really interesting is when their friends spoke about them.

Even though these people had achieved something pretty phenomenal in their life from a material perspective, no one mentioned it.

People didn't talk about how much money they made as one of their success points.

People didn't talk about how much fame they had.

People didn't talk about what their career acumen was and what their business strategy was.

People talked about how they were as people.

They were loyal friends who always showed up.

They were carrying in compassionate when they were needed, and they were always there.

That's what our legacy is, That's what will be remembered.

Focus on that.

Maybe the thought in your head is it's too late to start anything new.

While studies on neuroplasticity showed the brain can grow, rewire, and adapt well into your sixties and seventies, the brain is built for reinvention at any age.

For decades, scientists believe the brain was fixed after childhood, but modern neuroscience flipped that belief.

The brain remains plastic, changeable throughout life.

Neuroplasticity means you can form new neural connections, learn new skills, and adapt to new environments even in your sixties and seventies and beyond.

People in their seventies who took up a new language showed measurable changes in brain activity and improved cognitive health.

Even older adults who learned an instrument showed new neural growth and better memory.

The principle for life is this.

Your brain is not a hard drive that fills up and locks up.

It's more like a muscle.

Use it in new ways, and it reshapes and continues to grow, Which means this, You're never too late to start a career, build a skill, or create a new path.

Your biology is actually on your side.

If you want to learn a skill at forty, your brain will literally rewire.

If you want to switch careers at fifty, your brain can form fresh pathways you want to start over at sixty, your brain is still capable of growth just a little bit slower, but still possible.

It's never too late to start again.

It's never too late to find love.

It's never too late to start a career you actually enjoy.

It's never too late to go back to school or learn a skill you always wanted.

It's never too late to take control of your health, no matter your past habits.

It's never too late to repair a relationship that matters to you.

It's never too late to start saving, investing, or getting smarter with money.

It's never too late to change directions when the life you build doesn't fit anymore.

And maybe your thought is I'm getting too old to be Happiness actually peaks later than you think.

A lot of people say I missed the good old days, and what they mean is I miss being at college.

Now here's the truth.

If you just graduated college, I promise you that does not have to be your best years.

If you graduated college ten years ago, I promise you those do not have to be your best years.

Imagine living the rest of your life and thinking college were my best years.

I promise you every decade can get better than the last if you want it to.

Every decade can be more fulfilling if you want it to college.

Should never be your best years.

They should be great years, fun years, but never your best years.

Large scale studies found that happiness follows a U shaped curve.

Life satisfaction dips in the forties, then rises again, peaking in the fifties and beyond.

Here's the principle, you may not even have hit your happiest years yet, how can you be to your own peak?

Based on large scale surveys of more than three hundred and forty thousand Americans, participants rated daily emotions and overall life evaluation.

What they found was this early adulthood twenty to thirties higher optimism, excitement, but also higher stress, anxiety, and comparison pressure.

Mid life forties, life satisfaction hits a low point, often called the mid life crisis or slump.

This is linked to juggling work, kids, money pressures, aging parents, and unfulfilled expectations.

Later life fifties plus, life satisfaction begins to climb again, often higher than in early adulthood.

People report more gratitude, contentment, and emotional stability.

Happiness tends to rise through the fifties, sixties, and seventies, depending on health and social support and here's why.

By midlife, people recalibrate expectations and stop measuring against unrealistic goals.

Older adults score higher on emotional stability because there are fewer mood swings, less anger, less envy, and comparison.

Studies show how older adults value time relationships meaning more than status or comparison.

They focus on fewer but deeper relationships.

So if you're forty and feeling behind, science suggests you're in the natural dip of the curve, not broken, not late.

Statistically, things get better.

The happiness rebound means your fifties and sixties may bring more contentment than your twenties ever did Happiness isn't front loaded, it's U shaped.

If you're in the valley, the data says you're climbing toward a peak.

I hope that that answers helps you think about some of the thoughts that are going on your mind.

I hope you use this episode is a way to interrupt that pattern.

These thoughts are just patterns.

I'm not good enough, I'm behind, I'm late, i'm not married yet, I haven't found my person.

They're just patterns, patterns that you've repeated.

This episode is about breaking that pattern.

Listen to it again and again and again until you realize that your timeline is fine, your watch is working, your clock is accurate, and when you're present with the time you have, you'll create an amazing future.

Thanks for listening.

Make sure you subscribe, Share this with a friend, and remember and forever in your corner and I'm always rooting for you.

Thank you so much for listening to this conversation.

If you enjoyed it, you'll love my chat with Adam Grant on why discomfort is the key to growth and the strategies for unlocking your hidden potential.

If you know you want to be more and achieve more this year, go check it out right now.

You set a goal today, you achieve it in six months, and then by the time it happens, it's almost a relief.

There's no sense of meaning and purpose.

You sort of expected it, and you would have been disappointed if it didn't happen.