One of my biggest X is when they like wake up in their confused.

If they play games on their phone.

When he posts on social media, grown men should have wear earrings.

Don't message me saying when am I taking you?

How seriously should people take X?

They should be seen as more of a funny thing, not something that actually puts them off their partner.

Do you ever get over an ick?

The more you like someone, the more you'll find the executor.

Everyone is going to have something that gives you the ich.

I remember one of my X was at the beginning when we were dating.

Come on, we used to do that.

Oh my god, Hey.

Everyone, welcome back to On Purpose with Jay Shehady with my favorite person in the world rather than Lucia, And we're diving into topics about things that we talk about, things that we hear about from friends and family, things that you could talk about on the long car journey after a long day at work, or maybe while you're out at dinner and you want to have a chat about what's going on.

So today's topic is all.

About X X, good old X.

I feel like the concept of X didn't exist when we were dating.

No, or maybe they existed, but they didn't have that language.

And if anyone's wondering, because you've been sleeping under a rock, what an ick is?

The term ick refers to a sudden turn off or something that instantly kills attraction.

Ooh, that's a harsh time.

These aren't always rational, and they can vary culturally and individually, but there are common patterns reported in dating conversations, social media, and psychological observations.

Wow, so official, when did you first discover what X were?

I don't know when, but I feel like now that it's got a name to I appreciate it because I felt X my whole life.

Really Yeah, what like when you were dating back in the day.

Yeah, you never dated anyone apart from me?

What it's definitely I definitely felt X throughout my life.

I've probably felt a few X with you.

What do you mean we talk about this?

What we've had X?

So many X?

But X doesn't mean that you don't love someone, right, It just means you're like, oh, maybe you know, don't do that around me?

Right?

Yeah?

You have X with me with me?

Yeah?

Anyway, is this about us?

We're just having a general conversation about X.

Guys, No, they came.

The topic came about because we were in a car journey with my cousins.

We were on our way back from the Drake concert.

We had a long journey and somehow we came onto the topic of X within our relationships, but then also just generally.

You know, there's a man with the ick list, which the.

Girl that's mine, that's my favorite.

The guy with the guy with the list.

Yeah, I love it.

If you don't follow guy with the list, I have no idea who he is.

He is hilarious, he's brilliant, and he just like he finds all these things that women say, oh men say, are X about men and women, and he puts them onto a really really long list.

So we started getting into it, and let me tell you, we came up with some crazy easy ones.

One of my cousins said that she thinks it's icky when her husband uses an indicator in the car.

I don't even know how that's an egg, but that was.

An egg because reasoning I don't remember.

She said that it doesn't feel masculine.

That'scular enough.

Yes.

Someone else that I spoke to said that she finds it really icky when her husband cries.

That's terrible, so not nice, but also just so funny that people put down the eck list.

Well, okay, it's obviously funny, but there's also a little bit of meanness and depth to it.

That people get turned off so easily these days, and I think it's really sometimes just by getting an inch, they won't go on a second day.

I feel like, should we start off by reading some really funny it's okay, so oh, when they run after a receipt that's blown away in the wind.

That does that.

When they hold a limp umbrella in a strong wind, When they run with the backpack on and it bounces side to side, that's a really good one.

I agree.

When they when they try to get out of a bean bag chair and it takes a full twelve seconds.

When they walk, when they call a waiter over but they walk right past them.

These are all very good ones.

There are some other really funny ones.

They do what else?

What else do we say in the car?

That was really funny.

I don't remember when they have allergies.

That's so rude.

When you're driving and they grab the bar.

Yeah, when you are the driver, when the girl's the driver and the guy gets scared and holds holds the side of the car.

That's icky.

When they get cassick.

I get cassick.

That's not it.

It's a really bad thing to go through.

Actually, when they wear no show socks, no, yeah, I agree with that.

There's little panty liner socks.

They are awful.

The phonge socks is what we should call them?

Awful?

Awful?

Is that what you have to say?

Well, look, I think X a fair, but I also think that they should be more seen as more of a funny thing, not something that actually puts them off their partner.

I think you should end up becoming something that's endearing, Like you should go from thinking it's an it to finding it a bit.

You remember.

I remember one of my ex was at the beginning when we were dating, when you used to do that baby voice with your mum and your sister.

Oh my god, I cannot even hear it.

Go and do it, please don't anyone else.

You do know it though, and sister Suddenly I was in a room with all three of them and they're all doing this weird baby voice to each other.

I was like, where am I and what is happening?

Please?

Just don't want no I don't do it.

I'm going to show them to say.

I literally don't do it anymore because you.

Actually don't do it that much.

But you know what you should be who you want to be.

I don't do that anymore.

But just don't do that voice around me?

What what?

What about you?

But no, what are about you?

I don't know at the beginning?

Being late?

Yeah, that is an ick.

That is a massive itch for me when people really massive.

You can't be late.

I've been your whole life then, mate.

Basically what else skinny jeans?

Skinny jeans are a skinny gee.

I was just checking up up your jographers skin me gee before I said it.

Skinny jeans, big ick.

Now they are At one point they were fashionable.

That's what it is about X, that there was a time when the IK could have been fashionable.

Like I know one of our friends, her sister doesn't like men who are jewelry.

Oh.

So That's what I'm trying to understand, is like, how seriously should people take X.

I don't I think they should be taken with a pinch of salt, you know.

I don't think you should take them too seriously.

But I think if there are too many.

As you know, they're not going to find that person attractive.

That's the problem.

So either you have to work on your tolerance and what you find it key.

And maybe some things like you're not wanting your husband to cry in front of that may be therapy that's required.

Not gonna lie, you may need to really work on that.

But other things like you know, flip flops with socks, you know, give a bit of leeway.

Maybe just choose the shoes for your partner the next time they go out.

All right, I'm going to read out a list of it's and we have to decide on a scale of one to ten how bad they're okay, all right?

Or do we do it?

Yes or no?

Is an itch or not?

Yeah?

All right?

Chewing with their mouth open, the ick for sure, Clapping when the plane lands.

I like it.

You know what, it's appreciated, really.

Happy when a plane lands.

Yeah, it's.

Not washing their hands after the bathroom.

Yea, that is all around it.

That's not subjective.

Asking to split a bill.

I don't think that's anick.

But then I you know, I like being a self sufficient woman.

As a man, I always wanted to pick up the bill.

I always did when we were dating originally as well, like there's always something that I've wanted to do, and so to.

Me, that's not a nick for me.

Okay, talking in a baby voice.

As a grown ass man.

Absolute egg, I.

Get it now.

Using too many hashtags.

Oh my gosh, and I'm using too many emojis as a no ick, being.

Too obsessed with astrology, like blaming everything on being a Gemini.

Oh that's a bit of a Nike that.

Taking mirror selfies at the gym, Well, okay, no, shall tell you what.

There's this girl that I've been seeing at the gym lately.

I was like, Wow, her body's amazing.

She must work so hard.

I swear I'm not seeing them lift one way in the gym.

All she does is coming to the gym in beautiful outfits.

She looks amazing, takes pictures and leaves so.

Yes, if you're taking pictures off t having done a hard workout, not a nick.

If you're coming to the gym in a cute outfit just to take pictures without doing a workout or another inch when the man looks in the mirror more than you do it.

We don't have that problem, obviously, poor grammar in texts you're hot instead of you.

Are hot, air guitar when a guy doesn't air guitar, or like fake golf, Oh my god, no?

Or finger guns oh no.

Leaving voice notes that are four plus minutes long.

Massive it you not leave.

Me me and my friends do that.

I hate it, but maybe just such a waste of time.

It's like, so, I really wanted to tell you this, and I don't want this to be long.

But I've been thinking about this, and I'm thinking about one friend that does it.

Drinks cow's milk in a glass, drinks cow's milk.

Will stop.

Using phrases like let that sink in too?

Seriously?

Cause women females?

Is your biology teacher?

My god?

All right?

Obsessing over a celebrity like they know them personally.

Yeah.

When I have friends that refer to celebrities by their first who don't know is an it?

Referring to their ex is crazy with no context?

You're okay with that?

Oh gosh, So let's help people.

Let's think about X.

What's our take?

My take is that you should give Oh.

Wait, it's a bad question.

Yeah, do you ever get over a ick?

Can you get over it?

Like, did you get over the ick of me talking a baby voice?

Or did I have to stop doing it?

Mixture of both.

I think the more you like someone, the less you'll find like the more you'll find the executor.

However, there are just some things that you're going to have the other person's going to have to just stop doing if they've their partner finds it icky more than three times.

So how do you tell someone, Hey, I have an ick about this, and I think that's the reason I haven't been texting you.

That's the reason I haven't been How do you do it?

Chur GPT will give you a really great answer for that.

No, but seriously, yeah, how would you do it?

I think I think it could be really honest in saying that I really like you as a person, but when you wear socks and sandals, it really upsets me because I enjoy fashion and that to me it doesn't look like fashion.

But I would love to go shoe shopping with you, yeah, and help you find shoes that really work well with those socks.

Yeah.

I remember the scene in Nobody Wants This?

Do you remember that show?

So with what's his Name?

Adam Brody and Kristen Bell and there's a scene where he comes over, but he's wearing shorts with the blazer.

Yeah, and she's got the biggest it.

Really, he's wearing shorts with the blazer, and it's like the whole episode is like her spiraling thinking he's not the guy.

I can't believe it.

I'm going to break up with it.

It's a massive thing.

And then I think she tells him about it, and I think that is the reality of if you flag it to someone, what happens when that person says, well, this is who I am.

Is that the end?

I don't know.

It depends how much that person really, how invested you are in that person.

I do think when they're when you're when you're basing dating someone off a few eggs and this is really putting you off to the point where you don't really want to be seen with them and want to hang out with them, or it just every time you're seeing them you're feeling icky.

It's probably a sign that the if there's a few too many for you to be able to handle.

Yeah, I mean me icked out every every day.

For sure, But you've also got to know what your basic level of standards are too because everyone is going to have something that gives you the ick, and you're not dating the ick.

You date a person who is like do they respond, do they show up, do they call?

Do they check in?

Like that's what you're doing.

You're not dating the person whose backpack bounces when they run, Like that's.

You don't give them a different bag tie in their back.

That you don't have to watch that every day.

Like that's not your life, you know what I mean?

Like I think, I think today people find ix to get out of something they want to get out of.

So it's like, it's like it's an easy reason.

Yeah, it's an easy reason.

It's a scapegoat.

It's uh, it's something you used to justify why you don't want to be with someone.

You just aren't attracted to them, You just aren't into them, and you don't want to say that, so you end up coming up with this ick that justifies why you don't want to be them.

Yeah, I think, so, I think, And it is a good easy way.

Out, Yeah for sure.

Jared Freed, who hosts the U Up podcast, Who's a mate of mine.

He says that men like an itch would never stop a man from dating someone if they like someone, they like someone doesn't matter even if there's an ick.

But from women it's actually a lot more serious.

Do you agree, I think so?

Why?

But then I think I wonder if, okay, let's say a girl's got a bad breath, is that not going to be an ick for a guy.

No, of course it is, but it won't stop her him from dating.

I don't know.

So that's the question for Jared right there.

I'm not sure, like I I mean, for me, to me, that's more than a nick.

To me, that's just bad I gene.

I'm like, that's like a base something else.

Yeah, exactly, that's like a basic human thing that you'd want from everyone, let alone the person.

Yeah, that's true.

That's true, right, it's yeah.

I think women definitely are potentially pickier.

I'd say maybe things like that.

Interesting.

Well, I got up here the top five x women commonly have about men.

Lack of hygiene or grooming.

Oh wait, the women have about men.

Yeah, dirty nails, bad breath, or unkept hair can instantly kill attraction.

Wow, Smelling bad or being generally unkept ranks high end surveys.

However, I would say I know a lot of friends who are with guys who don't smell great and they're oh interesting.

Number two is x that women have about men.

Over confidence or cockiness, dominating gradations, or acting like I know it all is often perceived as insecurity masked as arrogance.

I like that.

That's a good one.

Let's talk about that.

What is the difference between confidence and cockiness and confidence and arrogance?

For you?

I think arrogance is when you are trying to prove to someone that what you're worth, is when you're trying to prove to someone that you are better than something else or someone else.

And I think confidence is, you know, confidence.

I just find it is so much quieter.

It's like you just show up with energy.

That is, you are supporting your own self.

You're not trying to put other people down in trying to make yourself look better.

A lot of the time with arrogance, people are trying to put other people down or they're acting in a way that feels superior.

I think that's the difference.

Arrogance is superiority.

Confidence is being able to carry yourself with respect for yourself.

Yeah, and I think you really see the difference when people are talking acting how they act towards other people, how they act towards you, the things that they say in conversation, even on a day, Like, it's so obvious when someone is cocky, and usually cockiness comes from insecurity.

So yeah, I definitely think over confidence arrogance is a turn off for everyone, exactly conversation.

It's not endearing, it's not impressive.

You switch off really really quickly.

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

Number three is immaturity or childish behavior.

This includes playing too many video games, making crude jokes, or being emotionally unavailable or avoiding.

Those are all X for women like serious X.

Yeah, I think the childish behavior.

It's interesting because I think some women actually, depending on what traumas they've been through when they've been younger, babying a man is what they've been used to, or interesting they are attracted to interesting, a man to save, a man to look after, a man to care for.

So I actually see a lot more women, well, I see a lot of powerful women ending up with people like that where they have to look after them.

Interesting.

But I can understand why it should be a turn off, because you don't want to be mothering your boyfriend or your partner.

Yeah, I think it's really interesting.

I think sometimes women get into relationships hoping the man will change, yes, and men get into relationships hoping the women will never change.

Yes, that's so true.

What ends up happening is that the man doesn't change and the woman does.

So it's the opposite of what you wanted.

And when you get into relationship with a guy who plays video games, he's not just going to stop playing video games the moment you get married.

That's what he does, and you're not going to change that about him.

And I think that's what's so interesting about these its is that if something really affects you, you should know it's less likely to change than more likely, especially if it's something conditioned and deeply a part of their life, right.

And so if something does affect you that deeply, the two questions you have to ask is why does this trigger me so much?

And am I of this never changes?

I think that's really important.

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The next one is poor communication.

Being vague, giving one word replies or ghosting creates a feeling of unreliability and emotional distance.

See.

I think there's a difference between X now and what makes someone feel secure in the relationship, because that's a big security part of a relationship, where if you feel confused about where you stand, if the person and isn't communicating in a way that makes you feel wanted, that actually breaths in security in a relationship.

And I think that more than an ICH, that is probably a serious and itch to me is something that's not a serious problem.

An it to me is something slightly silly that your mind's fixated on, but you know there is a bit of humor to it.

Whereas this doesn't seem like an itch, it seems like more of a serious issue because you don't know where you stand in the relationship, and that you have to know the difference between an ICH and something that is actually fundamental.

That's really interesting because usually we overvalue an inch and we undervalue a fundamental so red flag.

If someone runs with their backpack bouncing, we think, oh my gosh, they're so unattractive, but if someone doesn't reply, you're like, oh, they must be busy, right, So we make excuses for the fundamentals, but we over amplify X, which is a really weird thing in our mind.

And why do we do it like that?

Right?

Yeah, it's so true.

It's such an interesting thing.

Like I feel like so many people are like I just can't deal with the fact that he wears you know, ankle socks or whatever it is.

And it's like, well, wait a minute, that guy replies to every message, that guy shows up when he says he's going to show up, But the guy who's really attractive doesn't show up on time, doesn't message you back.

But even though he has all of that, you don't care.

No, why do we do that?

Why do we justify people's bad behavior?

I ultimately think it's because when you're attracted to someone, when you're into someone, you will justify anything they do because you're just so excited about the fact that that person might be into you, if someone shows you attention, if someone cares about you.

But if someone is someone that you don't find that attractive, isn't your type, even if they're like the kindest and nicest person.

You don't care, don't care.

I was actually reading something what was it?

This morning?

It came up on my Instagram that when you end up being a little bit obsessed with someone, your actual physiology in your mind changes so that even the things that you would normally find unattractive, you find attractive in them, especially if in a toxic relationship.

When it's a toxic relationshiphere things are up and down.

Apparently the hormones in your body, the chemicals in your mind end up finding even the things that are absolutely grotesque your body.

Actually, even if the person has bad breath, you don't smell the bad breath.

Wow.

Even if the person you get used to, even their smell and the way that they speak, and everything that you normally find disgusting in someone else that other people may even notice, you don't.

That's why it's so funny, you know, when you end up seeing someone that your friends dated, and you're like, how in the world, especially if they weren't a good person, and they see maybe physically they don't match either.

It's like that shallow haliffect where the person is literally seeing a completely different version to the person that they actually are.

That's fascinating.

That is so true as well so true?

Or I want to go through the list of the top five x men have about women?

Number one open, Can I say one more thing?

It's like, for example, I remember I really disliked smoking when I was growing up, but then I remember thinking this guy my college was really attractive, but he was a smoker, and at that point I was like, oh wow, I actually like the smell of I was around the smell of smoke so much I ended up thinking I liked the smell of smoke, even though I absolutely despise smoking.

And my friends have said the same thing.

When they've dated people who drink alcohol, or when they've dated people smoked weed.

They absolutely hate it, would never do it themselves.

But because they were obsessed with that person or thought that person was, suddenly what they do becomes attractive.

That's why that's so interesting.

Yeah, And that's why it's so important to choose someone in your life that actually has the habits and things you want, because you're going to be influenced impacted even if you don't want to.

No, I didn't want to do it.

I just my mind shifted towards right.

If you had stayed with that person or whatever that slowly would become your lifestyle.

Yeah.

Maybe so interesting the fact that your mind can shift something you really don't like just because someone that you like does it.

Opposite of X.

Top five X men commonly have about women.

Number one overly superficial behavior talking only about appearances, name dropping, or obsessing over social media and selfies.

Yeah, I yeah, it's frustrating.

I love a good sealthie.

I know you do.

I am your Instagram husband and I never get a photo credit.

Ever, you don't if you once you're married, you don't need photocrad.

It's just part of the relationship.

Right, Okay, Yeah, that's an ick.

And number two playing mind games, being intentionally vague, manipulative, or using passive aggressive.

Text the fundamental Yeah, that's not an it.

I feel like that's a fundamental issue.

Yeah.

Number three entitlement or materialism, expecting to be spoiled without reciprocation, or judging people based on money, status or possession.

Some guys like that, to be honest.

Yeah, because guys like it gives them the ability princess with some relationships like that, because then it becomes an easy way of showing status.

Or an easy way of showing prowess.

Yeah, I don't love that, though I'm a fan of that number four being overly dramatic or constantly negative that, oh my god, that's exactly it.

I struggled with that a lot.

I felt like I dated a lot of people who were like that all the time, really but really small things, and I felt like I had constantly guess what their mood was going to be.

And that is not an it, it's a big fundamental but it was really challenging to feel, as a teenager, to feel you had to be the emotional regulator someone else's emotion too much I do, which is really really hard.

And there's a difference between being patient, being compassionate, being kind, and then literally someone asking you to be their emotional regulator and then yeh.

Fifth and finally, lack of accountability, blaming others forever everything, never admitting when they're wrong, or constantly playing the video.

It's all like serious.

Yeah, it's quite a strong list.

Actually, yeah, because the guy with the list comes up with much easiert.

You pull up some guy with the list stuff just yeah.

Let's do it, let's do this, let's do it.

Guy with the list.

We love you, we love you.

Don't send her an Instagram reel.

That's it?

Okay, nexs.

You know when you go to an event and you leave early, like, I will never understand those sort of people, Like you've literally paid money, send.

An hour or two of your life.

To go and watch this event, but you would rather leave twenty minutes early or ten percent to beat the traffic back.

What else is that urgent that you need to get home for rather than the thing that you hate to go and see?

Like that will know that was made just to beat.

The true that's you with me?

You are that she has an eck with you.

Yeah, there's a lot of these visuals.

I'm sorry to say.

If you're a man and you haven't I pad take it back?

It is so iy.

Why do you have an iPad that book?

Yeah?

You know what if a guy's got iPad mini, No, a little iPad mini.

They could fit in one hand.

What do you mean?

No, there's something.

Cheaper than the bigger iPad.

Mini anything like in the like you know, like a small phone.

I've just some larger New Egg.

Tell me why I was your at the dog park and I met the cutest guy he the sweetest little dog.

But in the middle of our conversation he started screaming his dog's name, calling him five ten times.

And I don't know why, but in that moment he just became so unattractive to me.

Oh, like, I just I got my dog and I left.

These girls are amazing.

Don't scream at your dog.

In the dog book, He's hilarious.

No wonder everyone's single.

Mm hmmm.

It's rough a.

The worst text to send the girl the morning text, Good morning, sweetheart, how are you doing.

Hope you slept well.

You're basically saying you're a sin.

That text is not masculine.

That is not a good text.

It shows needy.

It just shows that like, oh, I was thinking about you and I was hoping your morning was going well.

That's not what you want to come across.

As always, always remember, texting is only to set up the dates.

Men fall into this trap of sending good morning texts, sending texts like hey, how was your week, and wanting to talk and have these big ol have a conversation over text.

For what happens is you call into friend zone or you become prepenter.

No morning text.

Wow, it's rough out.

There for guys.

That's a lot.

Well, that's a lot.

I think the takeaway is know the difference between X and fundamentals.

Yes, don't overvalue X and undervalue fundamentals.

And ultimately we all have X.

We all have Even the person you marry, you'll have X with and you can still love each other.

Yeah, you can.

Thank you so much for watching.

This is a lovely, little funny episode.

Wasn't it spontaneous?

Yeah?

I love it.

We love a good ic.

We do, don't we.

Hey everyone, if you love that conversation, go and check out my episode with the world's leading therapist Lourie Gottlieb, where she answers the biggest questions that people ask in therapy when it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating.

If you're trying to figure out that space right now, you won't want to miss this conversation.

If it's a romantic relationship, hold hands.

It's really hard to argue.

It actually calms your nervous systems.

Just hold hands as you're having the conversation.

It's so lovely.