Oh my gosh, we are back, but we are a little bit different but a little bit the same.

I feel like I don't even know what intro I want to go with yet, because normally when you hear my voice, I say hello, gorgeous, But I'm like, is that still on brand?

I don't know, so welcome back, friends.

I took a little bit of a break because I really wanted to hone in on what I'm about these days.

And I've had the Give Them Lalla podcast for I want to say around six years and it was a wonderful experience.

I loved everything we spoke about.

I loved all of the co hosts that I had, all of the guests.

But Give Them La La was just something that came to be for those of you who watch Banner Pump Rules see where I just wanted to shove myself down everybody's throat, whether you liked it or not.

And as I grew.

Up, some may say that still hasn't happened, but it depends on who you ask.

If you're asking me, I like to say I am very evolved now with age and two kids, I just felt like Give Them Lalla was it just didn't sit right anymore.

I felt like we had outgrown it.

I felt like it was juvenile in a time in my life that was wonderful, but I'll never be going back to.

And as I was kind of sitting with my thoughts and going what does my life represent?

What do I want this podcast to be about?

What really rings true to me?

And tradition kept coming into play and how my life is very untraditional yet it's so normal to me, and some people are very open and excited and inspired about my normal and others really do not like to break outside of the box that society tries to put us in.

So untraditionally.

La La is my new podcast, and I am so freaking excited for this new chapter.

I'm going to have wonderful guests.

It's going to open a conversation about life.

And the cards were dealt and it doesn't always go the way we planned.

I know.

I woke up on my.

Thirty fifth birthday and was like, Wow, this was not a part of the plan.

But I'm so happy because in all of the things that I didn't get to choose, I was given so many choices to still live the life that I so desperately just want to live, and you guys know I'm a crier, so just get used to that.

That part has not changed.

I really want to just shine a light on people who have thought that their life was going to go one way and it went the complete opposite direction, and they took life by the ovaries and said, fuck this.

It may be the complete opposite of what I thought life was going to be like, but I'm going to choose what i want out of life with the situation that I've been given.

So my first guest, some of you or most of you are going to know her from the show You or Ray Donovan.

She's got a very impressive resume, but to me, she's my other co parent.

We share a baby daddy.

She's my sister wife Amber Childers.

Welcome God.

That was so beautiful.

It was a tangent that hasn't changed either.

That.

Damn good.

Thank you for having me.

I'm really excited.

I'm a little nervous because our friendship and our relationship has remained very private for many years.

Whether we've been in the lowest of lows or the highest of highs, it's kind of just been the two of us, and it's been very sacred to me, and I'm really grateful that you're doing my podcast and you're my first guest.

Thank you.

I know it's we've been talking about you know, we've been through a lot, and we've you know, like you said, we've kept everything really private.

And I think that there's a time where like either I'm like, okay, I think I'm ready to kind of just like inspire not go out and talk shit or you know, hurt people's feelings or you know, but heal and this is part of like my healing, which is a continuous journey for me.

But maybe you weren't ready, and then you were ready, and then I wasn't ready.

So I'm so glad that we finally here.

We are Timing twenty twenty five.

I Timing is everything, it.

Really is, and I think about life and there are certain situations where I'm like, time heals everything.

Time makes everything a little bit easier to stomach, and it can be your best friend or your worst enemy, because time passing freaks me out.

But it's also, like you said, what heals a lot of wounds and puts people on the same parallel path.

And I think a lot of people can go back and think about how our relationship because we couldn't call it a friendship back then, how it definitely not started and without you know, making a certain someone the forefront of all of it and making that person more of just like a common denominator, a silhouette, if you will, how you and I started, and then how we got as close as we got, Like what is what is your perspective on that?

And how do you remember things?

Oh?

My goodness, you know.

I sometimes I don't even think about any thing when when it comes to that stuff, but then something will come up and I it feels like and that's just part of like healing, right, And there's like healing is not linear, and you can't teach someone that, like time heals, you have to experience.

And I had this conversation with London.

My eldest.

For those you obviously know London, but for those listening, she just went through a breakup and I just can't.

I couldn't explain to her more that like, honey, time will make it better, and she goes, mom, but it feels like my heart has been broken.

And I'm like, I know what that feels like.

Yeah, and not just once, but like multiple times, and I promise you, like, we're going to get through this one day at a time and you're gonna be okay.

So sometimes I you know, I see the relationship that our children have and it is the most beautiful, unexpected, untraditional way.

But if there's anything that I wanted to teach my girls out of my experience that I had with you was the power of forgiveness.

And it's not easy, and like you you can forgive a million times over every single day, but I am so grateful that I just like literally was like if I don't forgive and learn how to forgive, because you remember, I grew up in a Mormon church, Like forgiveness was like that's the first thing you go to.

But true forgiveness you it's for yourself, it's not for the other person, right, And when someone explained it to me that way, I was like, oh, okay, yeah, because I don't want to keep suffering.

And I suffered for a long time.

It was like that that scratch that you that would heal and then you would just like pick at it and then would start bleeding again, and then it would scab again.

Then you it's like, but why, It's like in this constant.

Like cycle, this loop of self sabotage, self pity, self torture, and I was like, you get to a point where you're just like, no more, I'm done, and you have to have that gift of desperation where you're just like, I don't want to do it anymore.

I don't want to live like this anymore.

I do this thing where and I don't do it often, but there are certain times in my life, and there's two that I can pinpoint.

It's when it has to do with the passing of my dad and my sobriety.

Where I will go back and watch old seasons of vander Pump Rules, and I watch season seven the beginning a lot to kind of remind myself where I was at when my dad passed away and how dark that place was.

And it sounds like I'm some like emotional masochist, but it's really to just remind myself how far we've come and how different things are.

But I was watching and I know you don't watch vander Pump, but I was watching season six and it was the first season where I wasn't hiding my relationship and I wanted to punch my own self in the face.

I truly cannot imagine what it was like for you to watch that person me at that time and go, this is the person who came in.

I don't know if I'm using the right word destroyed my my family is the person that's potentially going to be around my children.

I would have lost my mind.

Do you want to like, am I allowed to ask, like what your mindset was when, like if you'd seen clips, or like what was your headspace?

My initial reaction for everything in life is I go nam, oh, like I don't see I think actually, as I've gotten older, my hormones have like changed a little bit perimenopause.

I see red sometimes okay, but then other times where I just want to numb the fuck out because the feeling, the feelings are just too big for me to manage.

Okay.

So I think during that time, I didn't know how to cope.

So for me, it was just like go in and I just like, you just want to die.

You just want to die?

Yeah, but I didn't know.

I didn't die.

I didn't die.

You wanted to do what you didn't.

Those are very very different things.

After the the ball started rolling and it was like okay, this person because you and I had had moments because I was a very different version of myself when I was drinking.

Once I got sober, I feel like you and I were able.

It wasn't always roses like we had our we had our outs, but yeah we did.

Know there were times where we were be on the phone, Amber and I'd be like, this girl should be on reality TV.

She shouldn't be an actress.

You're talking about me?

Yeah, you bitch, ghost toes because I was being dramatic.

No, the two of us a bitch at each other on the phone.

I know, I know.

Do you remember we'd be on the phone and be like, fuck you bitch.

It was a wild yeah yeah, yeah, but now I'm a mom.

And by the way, I actually haven't thought about that in a long time.

My girl, Remember where I was so mean?

Here's the thing, though, Amber, No matter no matter what the reasoning of how it happened, let me tell you, had I been sober and where I am now and the woman I am now, it would have never happened.

But I have to trust that the universe had a plan for me my path.

Your path was written in the star as well.

Before we even got here and we were equipped with all the tools to manage the heartbreak, the trauma, all of the things.

Like and even if that's not true, I have to tell myself that that was the plan.

Yeah.

If I don't tell myself that, I will go crazy.

I will beat myself up until I can't get out of bed.

So going back and looking at how it happened, had I been in my right frame of mind, I would.

Have been able to say the math ain't math in.

But that's the point of life, Like we are in the school of life.

If you're not evolving, Like, why are you on this earth right?

And it doesn't matter what age, like, you are meant to go on this path.

I'm meant to go on this path.

And it just so happened that our past fetched and crossed and then here we are today.

Yeah, that part is we're okay, We're great, and I love having you in my life.

I feel like you're a sister to me.

We're for ever going to be family because of our kids.

And I think, you know.

It's very normal.

You hear about people who get divorced and then like new partners come in and they can all go to dinner.

It is very that you hear a situation where there was a cheating scandal that happened and the wife forgives.

I'm gonna put it in quotes because I still refuse to call myself a mistress.

A mistress?

Am I a mistress?

I don't know.

I mean, if you are, I don't know what it's like.

What is the definition of a definition of a mistress?

Is?

This is someone who's married.

So even if you know, even if you know, but I should have known, you should the math was not mathing.

And I like it to drink and numb it and go know everything that you're filling in your gut.

Just drink, You'll just numb it.

That's true, all right?

So yeah, technically I am.

It's very rare that the wifer gives the mistress and then the mistress and the wife stay.

We're like getting the kids together.

It's like that other movie than Nick Cassavetti's movie that I was talking about, The Other Woman.

We are, Well, I'm the other woman.

I'm Leslie Man.

I think I'm Leslie Man in that movie.

Right, she was the wife you are?

And then the third where's the third?

Okay?

So where we are?

Now?

What would you say the turning point in our in our relationship wise when.

I okay, I I know the turning point for me was when you called me one day when your name I had you under Lalla by the way, it wasn't anything other than that.

And I answered it and you're like can you talk?

And I said okay, sure, and you literally just made amends to me.

And I never thought that day would come.

And it's everything that I needed in my healing, and that allowed me to have the closure I needed between.

You and I because I know you're not a bad person.

You weren't a bad person.

Maybe you made bad choices, yeah, but fuck it, I make bad choices all the time.

We had a conversation the other day where you said you get protective of me when you see certain things, and that meant so much to me.

Yeah I even did back then because I know our story and I know the details of it, and it's like and again, maybe this is from like a you know, being brought up with a religious background.

If you ask my youngest daughter, she'd be like, well, you're a cancer, so you're just too sensitive.

I don't I never wanted people to be mean to you, like because that doesn't that doesn't help the healing at all.

Like I imagine putting myself in your shoes, how I would feel about myself if I you know, if I did that, You're beating yourself up enough.

I know you now, knowing you, I know.

What you were experiencing, and I didn't want that for you.

Well, thank you, And you had Ocean like your job was to show up and be the best mom and show up for your own mom who was going through her own grief.

Yeah, and Easton like, I I don't know, I don't know what it is.

I just needed the I needed that phone call for myself, for my girls right to move past.

And I think I do get very protective of the people I love, and I do love you.

I love you too a lot.

You're my sister wife.

I always say it because people cannot make sense of it.

And I'm like, this is just our very untraditional little family that we have created and it works for us.

And you're doing single motherhood and you're in a different phase than me, So like I'm calling you wondering how I do single motherhood with a four and a half year old, and you can talk me through it, because they share genes, right, I'm like sometimes I look at her and I'm like, this doesn't make sense.

I don't Oh there was another person, you know.

I tell you all the time.

Shit, I tell London and Riley all the time.

I'm like, Okay, you guys, if you ever get married, the first thing that we're gonna do is we're going to scan their brain.

That's like a non negotiable.

I love this brain scan.

And they're like, you nuts.

I'm like, yeah, I am nuts kind of, but no, seriously, Like I I look at you, and I see ocean, and I hear the stories, and I see like she's just so friggin adorable, Like this is gonna go by so fascinating I am dealing with.

I always say, remember little kids, little problems, Big kids, big problems.

Yeah.

Yeah, And as they get older, it's just it gets just it's tough, it gets tough.

How are you balancing raising?

Because Riley is now eleven, I've known her since she was three.

She's always had like a very special personality.

Like at the moment I saw her, she had a twinkle in her eye.

I was like, you have a twinkle like Santa Claus London was my not my hour, our EMO child, and like I saw her when and when she would go through things.

I'm like, I so feel for you right now, Like I'm in the trenches with you.

How do you balance what each kid who's very different, what they need, what they've been through, and also what you need out of life because you had them very young, you're a young person.

How do you still live your life while giving them what they need in their life.

It's a really hard balance and it takes a village.

Meaning like I really lean on my mom and my dad, and they have really stepped in this past year to help me navigate, you know, dealing with with London and you know, her challenges that she faces.

And then there's Riley who's coming.

She's in sixth grade and in completely new state in a completely.

New school because you moved to Montana.

Moved to Montana, so she went from private school to public school in a new town with new people, a new environment, new like you know, we're going to experience all four seasons.

It's if I think too much about the future, I start tripping.

I'm like, oh shit, Like I'm not married.

How do I keep my shit together?

Like I think about London's future.

I think about Riley and I'm like, Okay, where are we going to make her an athlete?

Like are we going to force her to like find that sport that she likes her?

She but she's really like artistic and she wants to be an actor.

And it's like it's it's hard and there's no there's no answer because if there was no one would be sitting on a couch talking about how to.

Be the perfect parent.

Right, there's no there's no rule book.

And like God literally gave me two kids that are so different from each other.

And I love that though, because I get to see the beauty in each one of them.

And you're gonna experience that with Sosa and Ocean.

They're gonna be so different, right you know?

And I I have to pause throughout the day and like remind myself, Okay, which kid am I talking to?

I know I had to turn my phone off or London would literally call me like five times.

Yeah, Like when London calls me, I know that she needs more the emotional side, Like she just wants someone to listen to, Like if she's upset about something, that means that I have to shut my fucking mouth and just listen, okay, And that's what all kids want at fifteen.

Most of the time, they just want someone, especially girls, they want someone to listen.

Riley, on the other hand, she's getting to be a little more sassy.

Like we just like are entering the sixth grade and we're experiencing like I'm starting to see changes in her that I've never seen before.

So that like beautiful little twinkle.

And she literally was when I had her, I was going through a very dark time in my family life, and she gave me that rayl light.

I was like, oh, this child's from God like this this one was like God like, I got you, here's this one.

And she was the best baby.

And she everything was just like super easy.

And she'd never even when she was sick and she had like snon she was throwing up, she would just.

Be smiling and I just.

Like, who are you?

Who are you that?

And she would remember when she would get like a guitar and sing.

She would go to say Shabbat right on Friday.

She would come home, she'd grab my little acoustic guitar that like I got on the set of Ray Donovan and she would sit there and like strum and sing like who are you?

Yeah, no I and.

Then she'd get on the treadmill human and like run at like three she's like I'm working.

I'm just like wow, old.

Soul, sery, old soul.

But now you're going through that tween stage with her, because then they get sassy and they like, OK, gonna hear story always.

Two days ago, so we're at.

This new school and she's I signed her up.

Literally, I'm that parent now tennis, track, basketball, volleyball.

You name it, and she's gonna do pick a ball.

But I said, okay, you're going to take the bus from the middle school to the high school, which is like two miles from each other.

It's like nothing, and she already has friends in the whole bit.

She's like, I don't want to do tennis.

I want to do pick a ball.

And I said, well, I love that you want to do pick a ball, but you're going to try all different sports and then we could like have a family meeting and decide which ones that you really love, okay, And she's like, no, I don't want it, and I'm like, you're going.

She has a phone.

I'm at home unpacking boxes and She's like hi, I said, hi, are you on the bus?

And she goes, no, I told you it was going on the bus.

What I was like, huh oh, oh my god, I wouldn't have the ready set match.

Let's go, bitch.

I was like, okay, I said, how about this.

Now you get a walk home from school and it's literally like a mile a mile.

Oh, great distance, great distance.

And there's tons of kids that walk, like and ride their bike.

It's like down where you live, it's gorgeous.

Yeah.

So I'm welcome for the walk.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, by the.

Way, yes.

And I was like, you're walking.

She's like, but I don't want to.

I go, I don't care.

So I hang up the phone.

She calls me back.

It's fifteen minutes to walk home.

And I was like, oh my god, that sounds like a great walk.

See you're in fifteen minutes.

Bye.

And now, of course, because I'm like the investigator investigator that I am, I look on her like map and now I'm like fuming because I'm pissed that she was like, I'm not going on the bus.

I didn't go on the bus, you know what I mean.

I've never done that my mom.

I was like so afraid of her that I didn't want to like fuck up in any area of my life.

So I was like.

It just you know, I was telling you, I see red.

That's where I was like.

So I called my mom.

I said, Mom, what do I do?

And she goes go pick her up and take her to practice and make her explain to her coach why she was late, and I.

Go, genius, genius tapp in the og parents, yep, yeah, thank.

God, thank you, thank you.

Mom.

So I get in the car and I am just like feeling empowered, and I'm watching and watching her on her iPhone, like tracking her.

She's not moving, she's not even she did so not only does she not get on the bus, but she's not leaving school okay, she's not even attempting to walk okay.

And it's like, eaty degrees outside is beautiful.

I'm like, oh this, I mean, I'm going.

So I pull up to the school and she's sitting on the bench.

What sitting on the bench like this?

I said.

She gets in the car.

I go, were you even gonna attempt to walk home for dinner?

And she's like no, And I said, and then then of course I got the like doctor Amon in my mind going like firm but kind, and I'm like, I don't want to be fucking kind right now.

It just defined me.

So I said, you disrespected me at the highest level, like not only you basically said fuck you to mom.

And I said that, I said, you said fuck you to mom.

And I'm gonna choose not to get in the car.

I said, you're going to practice.

She goes, but I'm in a sweater.

I said, I don't care if you sweat your balls off.

You knew you were going to tennis today.

I reminded you this morning and last night before.

So I dropped her off.

Yeah, now she's crying.

I'm sorry.

I'm like okay, And.

She goes out to her friends.

She sees like a group of girls and I'm like, oh see, those girls.

Look like they're in sixth grade.

There's like tons of kids.

It's like at the high school, which is like beautiful, and she goes over there.

She starts crying, and you know, Riley, Riley, that kid is like she doesn't shed a tear for anything.

She is like a scorpio through and through.

And I was like, okay.

So she goes and She's crying now in front of her friends.

And this little girl looks back at me and like she's clearly telling her what like that she got in trouble.

And this little girl looked at She's like and I was like, fucking comfort you too, don't even start with me.

And make you watch.

And then I had, by the way, now I have ten miles till till I'm empty, okay, so I go straight to the gas station.

I was like, okay, well, I don't want my daughter to pass out, so she prota to get her a gatorade.

So I'm pumping my gas and I go and get a gatorade.

I come out.

I'm now on the phone with my mom telling her and my sister on face.

I'm telling everything that's happened, and I'm now fuming because I'm doing the thing where I ripped a bandid off and I'm like, keep scratching at the surface.

I'm like reliving that anger.

And what do I drew?

Did?

I literally drove off with the gas still in the oh yeah, yeah, yeah yeah.

Then this cowboy was like, ma'am, ma'am.

I was like, oh my god, oh my god.

And now how different than La they'd be like you.

Fucking dumb BG.

Yeah yeah yeah.

By the way, that's five hundred dollars.

So I'm literally mid mouth because like when I when I and we'll talk, you know, if you want, we could talk about addiction.

But like for me, now I go to food and so I had I had a diet coke in one hand and an almond joy like in my mouth.

And I'm like, what accell in combo?

Yeah, weird combo.

But it's like the coconut, the cocaine and the diet coke don't really mix together.

But at that point I didn't carry just needed needed the fix.

Okay, So I go back, I pick her up.

We go to the grocery store.

And she goes you also don't get pregnant.

At eighteen, I was coming.

I was like, now this bitch is gonna double down.

Well she's doubling now.

Now I'm crying.

Now she now she like hit my inner like my cancer.

And I'm like trying to like I'm looking out the window, trying like not to see her that.

She's like like he really hurt my feelings at this point, and I'm just like, dude, I want to stay over.

So I go home, I end up cooking dinner and I said, you're getting fucking can soup for dinner tonight and broccoli And that's what I made her.

It's a lovely dinner.

Yeah, tomato soup, progresso.

Excellent, top shelf soup if you ask me.

And she's had a vegetable.

Back to full circle, that's what it's like.

Raising that's like a day in the life of sounds very entertaining to me.

Yeah, And then I loved the story.

Girl has balls, that is for sure.

And by the way, I'm so down with that for now because I know when she gets older.

You want her to have that, you want her to have this stamina, you know what.

I think about that with Ocean all the time, because the girl does not let up.

She does not.

It's exhausting.

She's a mad and I'm like, you know what, I'm not going to try to fix this.

It's exhausting.

But like out in the real world, like you're gonna go places because you don't take notes, you will beat someone down until they're like fine.

But that's the hard things, like how do you earn how do you get your kids to earn respect?

But then you don't want to like ruin that.

It's a very fine balance, I know, and it's kind of trial and error.

I want to wrap back around because you said you're dating.

You and I were the opposite when when we left the silhouette of the person I went into like, I'm doing background checks, I'm not dating.

I'm moving my family out here, and I'm just gonna like incubate and not give myself to any soul.

You are like, I believe in love.

I want to be on every dating app and like it inspires me.

But you've had a lot of boyfriends, and I'm like, where are you finding them?

Not a lot of boyfriends.

I wouldn't say that I've dated.

First of all, you've had boyfriends in the course of a year.

That's a lot.

That's not that's true.

I'm saying you bad men.

Where are they?

How do you find that this is not an insult?

Is a compliment you?

No, it is an insult because I'm not a whatever you call that.

I'm not a serial dater.

Well yeah, maybe at one point I was, but that's exhausting.

Okay, So let's just clear up what thing.

I did not get on the dating apps until January of this past year.

Okay, so the dating apps are recent, Yeah, they are recent.

I didn't want to.

I don't.

I'm I believe in old school love, like I want to be meeting at a coffee shop.

Yes, okay, but so many of my friends were like, dude, it's not going to happen, like you just need to at.

Least in La.

I think La, and like the bigger cities.

It's really I actually know, it's really difficult.

Okay, and so but I would either get introduced to people or my manager would set me up or I what I realized in dating is this, and this is why I think they call it duty dating.

But dating is so important.

It's like I really learned about what I wanted and what I liked.

It was more about selfishly, about understanding who I am as a person, and I didn't have that because I got married at twenty I had my first baby at twenty one.

That is a baby.

When I was twenty one, I was passed out in downtown Salt Lake on a spike bracelet to a cop telling me to get the fuck up.

I love you.

You are a wild one, but it's where are these men not in La?

Well I found one in Oh.

She's so wild to me.

You're like, I'm leaving La.

There's nothing here.

I'm taking a year.

I'm moving to Montana.

I'm like she calls me, She's like, I got a boyfriend.

I'm dating this guy.

I was like, that's so wonderful you met some When he's like, yeah, I'm gonna come out to LA to see him, I'm like, oh he lives in LA.

What Yeah?

Yeah, I mean listen to the world.

Like, so, I've reached a point in my life where I just I believe in God.

So whatever your higher power is, that's like great, But for me.

I didn't want to do it anymore.

I don't want to control anything.

It's exhausting.

Yeah, I mean this goes back to like in my early twenties when I was like, I don't want to control anyone.

I don't want to like I want to handle my side of the street and that's it.

And like I feel like that's where.

Is that so variety that's come into play, Like when you're like, I want to keep my side of the street clean.

I don't want to control things.

I want to hand it over to God.

Did you learn that when you decided to get sober, Yeah, and you just implemented it in all areas.

In a matter of life.

So I was I got sober for two years, but I wasn't working a program.

And but for me personally, I need a spiritual program in order to I need something that's bigger than me, because it's not like it's all about self pity, woe is me?

Like I don't want to live that way, and I know the best way for me to show up being a sober person.

And by the way, like it's just today, I only have today.

Who I don't know what the fuck I have tomorrow.

Of course, I don't know if if I'll be here tomorrow or if something will set me off, but just for today, like I'm sober and I'm happy, and I think like the best version of myself is without using drugs or alcohol.

Yeah, and I think that that's the best way also to raise children, Like.

I don't want my kids to be around you know a mom who is using substance or sees like orange bottles all over the house or like it's it's not what I want.

So I think about that all the time that like I feel so fortunate that I got to a place where I was wanting, I was begging for sobriety well before I got sober in twenty eighteen.

Ocean was born in twenty twenty one, And I love knowing that I had that kind of under my belt before I brought a child into the world, because had it been the other way around and she came before sobriety like.

It would have, it would have been awful.

Yeah, I mean so bad.

I came in through well, I came in through alan On, so my codependance or my codepency, which I had and I heal every day from.

I didn't understand why I kept choosing bad relationships, like really bad relations I didn't understand I have a great father, My parents have been married for forty something years, Like why do I feel so broken?

It's wild Amber, because we kind of like I witnessed the same kind of thing.

Yeah, Like my parents were together, they were like completely normal, healthy.

I watched them go through ups and downs and come out on top together.

So the fact that you and I both experienced that in our households and then just kind of went in a different direction is something that I wish someone could explain to me.

How many people want to say it is because you have daddy issues.

I'm like, that cannot be it.

Yeah, I'm like, do I have daddy issues?

Well, maybe I have mommy issues.

Maybe I have it's not it's it's I have I have the most amazing parents and they're not perfect, but like they're perfect just the way they are right, And it was real and I still go through this, like in every new relationship I enter or or I start dating.

I like, it's such a great time to like self reflect and like get to know.

Amber a little bit more totally.

And it's it's sometimes it doesn't end up being because I really want them, and so like I I will, you know, I'll do the chase, but.

Like I don't want that.

I don't want what's not mine, like or what's meant for me.

I don't want that.

I love that.

I don't want what's not mine.

My God, that is.

So what I say.

Now.

I heard this on a podcast, But when I pray, I say, God, if like is for me, let it be known.

And if he's not, I give you permission to remove him.

And I didn't.

I heard that somewhere on a podcast, but I when I did hear that?

I go, oh my god.

That's another version of just like letting it go because I am a hopeless romantic.

Yeah, I love love like I know you do.

I love love.

I know it makes me so happy, and I know.

That not everyone's gonna be for me, And that was something that was really hard for me to learn.

Right, is like step one, not numbing yourself out.

Going on a date sober is freakin' hard.

Like when I first started dating and I was sober, I was like, who am I?

Like, I didn't know how to manage these emotions.

But now I have tools that I could use, and like, I actually can also listen to my body sober.

I love that, Like I'm not running on like Xanax and not understanding like, oh, I'm gonna numb myself out because like totally these feelings are too big for me to manage.

It's like, okay, now what are these feelings?

Is it hinpointing them?

Yeah?

Are you just nervous in the moment?

Okay, that's actually exciting.

It's fun to be like feel like a teenager and like be fifteen again and have those butterfly feelings.

But are or are these like is.

This person doing something, saying something, or like moving in a way that is triggering.

That's true, that reminding you of maybe a past relationship.

And so now I get to ask these questions when I leave a date.

And yeah, I moved to Montana and and low and behold.

I went to the bank like no one does anymore, and because I'm like so old school, and I ran into someone that I hadn't seen in a long time, and he thought I was dating someone.

I was like, oh, no, no, no, I'm not dating anyone.

And he's like, let me take you to dinner.

Like okay, but I'm leaving just so you know, like I literally am leaving in like I'm literally here to wire money for the new house.

Yeah, like I'm leaving, I'm leaving moving.

And by the way, what was so great at that point I had gone I dated a handful of people to where I knew that even if that relationship was going to work, I wasn't staying.

Like I knew that this is like I'm in my lane now, like you have to fit into my life and we will make our lives beautiful together.

I wasn't gonna let anyone derail me and let my codependency sneak in to like change my mind.

Right.

So I was like okay, and and he's like, well, are you driving?

Are you flying?

I said no, no, I'm gonna put my car listen.

I could barely make it to Palm Springs, like with the traffic, like I'm not driving to Montana.

And he was like, let's drive.

And I was like, mm, nah, I'm not driving.

Like that sounds you know, it just sounds awful.

Yeah, it sounds awful, thank you.

Yes.

And I was thinking about it.

I was like, whoa wait a second.

You're in this season of doing things that you don't want to do and like be open minded, right, And I was.

Like, you know what, fuck it, let's go.

And you guys made it.

Like how long is that drive?

That's like a real road trip.

It's a real road trip.

It's like sixteen and a half.

And we stayed over in Salt Lake or yeah, outside of Salt Lake City.

Oh look you yeah, sounds beautiful.

It was.

It was.

So it sounds like a very nice way to get to know somebody.

Can I tell you this is yes, this and we are in different stages, but like with my kids, the way that they are right now, like I'm just gonna for a minute, I was like a born again virgin, like, no joke, I hadn't had sex.

I'm calling you and I'm like it had been like.

Almost two years, right like, and that's so unhealthy, but keep going, well, I'm a masturbader, like, don't even fuck around, you give me.

I have a drawer full of all the toys.

And I just sit there and I'm like, it's gonna be a fun day any mini miney mo boom, you all win, you all whim a loom for everybody, but for me.

I'm sitting here this morning, so right now, and I'm just gonna say it, and I don't give a fuck.

I'm I'm just sleeping with people, like I know exactly.

That's wonderful.

I mean, it's wonderful too.

And for some reason people cannot wrap their mind.

If I were a man, it would just be like, oh, he's playing the field, he's not interested, Like you can't lock him down.

He's a bachelor.

I'm a bachelorette, okay.

I don't need a man for anything.

And people keep trying to push this dating thing on me, and then I start thinking like Okay, well, maybe I'll get out there.

Then I had this moment of clarity where I'm like, what do I want, law do you want to date?

If you want to date, get your mess out there and date.

And I'm like, I don't want to date.

I just want a man to come in, fulfill a need and go home because I'm so happy right now.

And that could change tomorrow.

Today I say I'm never getting married.

I know how the world works.

There could be a day where I'm like, I want to get married.

I understand that is it a very low possibility?

Yes, but for now, come in, come out, and this morning.

And I'm not joking.

My dog is fifteen and a half and all she does is shit and pee herself.

It is a lot, and I love this dog.

And I feel so guilty that I'm going back and forth on like is is it time or do I just keep rocking it this way?

It was a full on explosion at my house, not of shit, but of mesen and my mom screaming at the top of our lungs at each other, telling each other that you don't do enough, you're fucking lazy.

And it all stemmed from this, from this gorgeous animal lily.

Okay, and I was driving here to the podcast because we all like made up, and it was like, I'm so sorry.

Had that happened with me and a partner, it would weigh so heavy on the relationship that our sex life would suffer, resentment would build because there's not unconditional love with your partner.

And people can say that all day long, that like, find someone who you love, flaws and all, and I used to very much co sign on that, but finding a partner that love is conditional.

I'm expecting you to show up for me, be my teammate, be loyal, be trustworthy.

You fuck up one time you have put my heart in jeopardy.

With my family, I don't expect anything from them.

We have come from literally thoughts, right you said, and I were just thoughts, and then we came to be into our family.

It is unconditional love.

Whether it's Easton struggling with his drinking, my mom struggling with her hip or her arm, it doesn't affect the intimacy because there isn't any When intimacy is affected in a relationship, everything starts going to shit.

So for me right now, I'm like, if.

Everything's working, and I can have blow ups with my family and there's a lot of moving parts.

There's a one year old who's preventing sleep.

There's a four and a half year old who's wanting to sleep in my bed.

Could you imagine I had a boyfriend?

He said?

An English there said I do.

When I say you imagine, I could a little British.

But I'm like it would be so hard.

So the timing is not right, and my mind, body, and gut are telling me that the time.

Why are you selling?

You're fighting with yourself, I'm fighting with other people?

Who cares what other people think?

Thank you?

I feel soppy?

Have you ever read Mel Robbins book Let Them No?

But you told me to get this?

So I ordered it on Amazon and it did arrive.

It did arrive.

I'm extriminating it.

No, that whole philosophy.

Let them, thank you, Let them who cares?

No.

I feel like I'm talking at you because people don't understand.

You're the first person that was like okay, And I'm like, do you know how many times I've explained this to people and they're like, you just have some stuff you need to work through.

You know, you've been through a lot.

I'm like, we're over it.

We're over it.

Let me, Yeah, I'm letting them.

Let me.

How about that just where you're you have so much going on.

Right I do.

I mean from the outside looking at you've just named you have two kids under the age of five.

A lot of people we know kind of well I.

Know, but but they like you're operating.

Someone explained to me the life is like a pie, right, and so like you're how much of sosa and ocean are going to fill up that pie?

A lot?

Right?

Eight percent?

Yeah?

Okay?

And then you have time to work out right and stay healthy and fit or okay, that takes the piece.

Then you have work, which is which is huge because you're a one like income household, right You're you're raising two kids on your own.

That's a huge piece, okay.

And then you have fun like like lalla time right with your little friends or like late night whatever it is, like, Okay, where is the like last percentage that very small percentage for a man like if he comes in, if that one percent, like that's that's enough for you to be able to take that one percent and not fit a marriage in that one percent because marriage is a lot of work.

It's an other business.

Yeah, it's work.

It's work, and then you have to maybe if that person also has kids.

Can you imagine?

No, it's like you're you're you're good.

So go have fun, go sleep with as many men.

Just be careful as you want.

Just be careful, be careful.

I'm an educated ho amber.

We know this.

I do background checks.

Married.

We'll see what the background check.

Suye, buddy, you're telling me no, but your eyes are saying otherwise.

No.

I'm safe going about it, and I feel happy and fulfilled and I love sitting see you get me.

I feel so seen by you all the time.

Can we talk about this one thing that we talked about on the phone, because I completely died you saying that la men are too dependent and I was just wait.

I thought you were gonna say moms or too dependent on like their friends, and you said they're too dependent on their dogs.

You know, people like in the world are gonna hate me right now for saying that.

Let me give you some context.

So on the dating apps or just out in general, I have found this is my opinion.

Yeah, people are so and whether they are using their animals as like an escapegoat to not like be able to show up in a relationship like as like like this is who I am.

I find that men are truly hiding behind like their their dogs and I and okay, let me just like be blunt.

I have seen so many guys walking around or on Instagram or social different social media platforms wearing like a satchel with their dog in it.

So, unless your dog has three fucking legs or is on its last day, your dog does not belong in a baby fucking bajor or whatever you call it, like your baby, your your dog belongs on a leash or by you, right, maybe not leash if you're in a park that whatever.

Yeah, what about a stroller?

Oh?

Even worse, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't.

I don't know why it is so not sexy to me.

I want a fucking man.

Okay, what does I want you for?

You?

I want you to pump my guess hot.

I want you to come behind me in the kitchen when I'm doing dishes and fucking grab me.

Okay, yeah, like I want a man, Like how can you?

First of all, how can you do that when you have a dog here?

Right?

We're on the back.

Well, I just want And the guy that I'm with now is so good that way, Like he opened my car door and like I thought that was so sweet and I'm not.

It's just the little things I want.

Like if you date someone, just fucking ball check them.

Please check their balls.

Yeah, just make sure the size of the balls.

Like just meaning like I'm speaking metaphorically, like, oh, I just.

Thought you meant literally.

I was like, I don't know.

All right, I'm gonna feel them measure.

I particularly like balls so long, no, not long?

I like, you know, what do your ears saying load?

Do they do your balls?

Okay?

I sing that with my girls, but with your boobs?

Do your boobs saying load?

Because that's a.

Whole other conversation.

Wearing brals in our house is like a whole discussion whether you wear them, whether you don't.

I don't like wearing them.

London's like what the fuck?

Riley's like a fuck it.

We're in Montana now, let it all hang out.

Oh my gosh, that is so funny.

What's important for you when it comes to a man?

Oh, when it comes to a man.

Well, they have to make me laugh, And I know that sounds so cheesy.

I have to be able because because I'm weird, like I have leaned into the fact, like I'm done being like sexy, Like I make weird jokes, I'm a little out there, I move a lot when I talk, like I'm a quirky fucking bitch.

Right, you have to, like, you have to like that.

I'm not gonna sit here and be like a trophy and like Stepford wife who has very little to say and doesn't change her voice when she talks.

That's just not me.

And I feel like I tried to be that way when I was younger.

Now you have to kind of come in and you have to match.

You have to think I'm funny, and I have to think you're funny.

Yeah.

I have to be able to lay in bed and eat Gouda cheese with you and watch Seinfeld and you have to actually enjoy it.

That's number one.

And also I think the physical part for me is very important, Like I, oh, this sounds so bad.

I'm not just searching for like a good heart, Like you have to come in here in first and foremost.

I have to want to rip your clothes off at all fucking times.

Mm hmm, I did it.

We're done here.

I'm not going to sit here and say, oh, but he's so nice.

So I'm gonna let certain things go.

No, first and foremost, I have to want to fuck the shit out of you all the time.

Yeah, you can't chase potential, No, because potential will just end up disappointing you.

Exactly right, you it's the worst.

And then we'll go to like the heart because here's the thing.

If if you if I'm not sexually attracted to you, then like what are we even doing?

No?

Sexual compatibility is the most By the way, let me say something.

Sometimes you get in bed with people and you're like, they're okay, and then meaning like physically, and then you get in ben You're like, whoa, well, yeah, that guy knows how to move.

That guy's all got down there, like we did a ball check.

We're happy the ball check.

The manscapes.

Yes, yes, you know.

I'm not gonna be floss in my teeth while I'm down there.

I don't love that at all.

By the way, how would you approach that if you were with someone that didn't Because some guys maybe don't know or do they.

I think I think it's similar to a chick like some some chicks like a bush.

I think some men who have a situation going on down there, they're like, I like it, this is I'm a man baby.

Yeah, I guess that's true.

I would say we got to like figure out the situation.

I could do it for you.

I have shaved someone before.

Oh a many, I don't care.

I'm down there.

Let me let me get it all cleaned up.

I know what it should look.

Like with your tweezers exactly.

I'm down here anyway, might as well get it done.

You are dirty.

You are dirty.

But how do I go from being like a complete nun to being like.

Fuck it tits out?

But I'm just you know what's so interesting?

I am the same way I'm I'm extremist.

Yeah, yeah, I have like.

Two speeds, you know, yeah, zero or one hundred.

Yeah.

I'm either like working in the kitchen at like seven am, getting the kids ready for school, yeah, or I'm like, you know, all buttoned up totally.

But I think that there's a time and place for everything I do too, right, Yes, Like, I think that's what makes you so unique and beautiful things, And men don't want that men, I feel like they want personality, at least the right ones want personality.

So too because on the flip side of what I said, because that's kind of where I'm at now.

But let's just say I was looking for like my partner, there would be things that would outweigh the physical.

And here's why.

Because when you're going in that direction, looks are going to fade.

Sex life is going to fade.

What really stays true is someone's core and their heart and their personality.

You hope, I mean a normal person like at our age, You would hope that their personalities are if they're funny, they're not going to lose their sense of humor.

Those are the things that are going to carry you through.

Right.

So, if I'm looking for someone who's going to be in my life every single day, obviously the kids got to get along with the kids, But for me, you have to be my best friend.

I have to call you when I'm at the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.

I have to want to be around you all the time, because that's what's gonna get us to the very end.

Right.

Yeah, Yeah, it's finding somebody you could be a best friend with but I also think that sex doesn't have to fade.

You're either a sexual person or you're not.

Honey, when you're grown and you need a hip replacement and you got to be on the bed for a little bit.

No, I'm starting to be having sex or you're kidding, you're a savage.

I fucking love you.

I need I need sex, Like that's like the first thing I feel like that when I step into a relationship and I'm like.

Just so you know, like I I like sex.

What are we talking like once?

How many times a week?

No, I mean it's a healthy amount.

Don't worry.

I don't I don't need another.

Program we really should check into.

I think a couple times a week is normal.

Oh, totally doable.

Yeah.

I asked my married friends, and they probably think I'm a weirdo that's going to go home and like masturbate to thinking about them.

But I truly do wonder, like how often my married friends have sex, And it's truly just to understand, like what does and what is antsy.

A lot of them say that it's two times a week, but then when kids come into play, they're like, we're lucky to get twice a month.

But we always make sure that we're like getting into bed together, We're going to bed together, and I think that's very important.

The day sex is the best when the kids are at school.

There's something so sexy about that because you.

Feel like you shouldn't be doing I know, but you should.

I love an afternoon masturbation, Sash.

We talked about that last night.

I'm gonna try it.

You have to.

Yeah, yeah, it's the freaking best.

I had a wonderful time having you on my podcast.

Thank you.

Do you feel good?

I feel like psyched to talk to you for like five more hours.

I know you're still going to get the crazy Lalla as you have just seen because we were talking about blowjobs and all the things still, so it's like it's like it's new and reinvented, but like we still have some of the same bones, the core.

It's the core.

Uh.

I loved this episode.

I feel like I just gave birth to a new baby.

So I want to thank all of you for following me from give Them Laala to my reinvented podcast untraditionally Laala.

I'm gonna catch you guys next Wednesday, and remember we still have a bonus on Monday, so i'll catch you there, Love you guys.

Bye,