This story contains adult content and language.

Listener discretion is advised.

Welcome to the Knife, I'm patia Eton and don't worry, Hannah will be back with us next week.

Today we're hearing from a woman named Alan, who met a captivating man that quickly seemed to be falling in love with her.

But as their relationship deepened, Alan began to see that she'd been taken down a dark path of deception.

Jake tip Tula spoke with Alan on his podcast Loveluss Fear, which he hosts.

Loveluss Fear exposes real stories about toxic dating and relationships.

Hannah and I are such fans of the show and wanted to share this episode with all of you.

Jake has such a compassionate way of speaking with his guests like Alan, who bravely share their most personal stories.

Let's get into the episode.

The story you're about to hear him Lovelust Fear is true.

Some names, places, and other identifying details may have changed to protect the storyteller.

Lovelust Fear may contain graphic language and depictions of sensitive situations.

Please listen with caution.

Next on Lovelust Fear.

I know what a type of person.

I was looking for the characteristics.

I've always been pretty clear on that, and I thought, oh, maybe that you know this guy's coming across my path for a reason or something, and I swiped Yes.

He was all the things that I had and experienced in conversations prior with people, and that was something that really drew me in and that I appreciated about him.

Within less than a week, he told me that he loved me.

That was right after our first FaceTime, within probably twenty minutes of us getting off the phone.

At that same time, he told me that he wanted to have kids with me, couldn't wait for me to be their mom.

Within two hours, probably two hours of being there, I was with his mom.

They said Alan and him are going to be coming by there with us now, we'll all be together later or something, and the person said who's Alan?

Who's that?

I can't keep track of them.

So it went from I'm single, to she has stuff here, she needs to come get the rest of her stuff too, I'm moving it into a storage unit to I hear her in the background one night and she's coming to get her stuff.

She just showed up to She actually found out about you and now she's refusing to leap.

From her childhood.

Through young adulthood, Alan battled chronic illness, which often left her feeling isolated and kept her from engaging in social activities, including dating.

By the time she reached her mid twenties, she found herself watched others build relationships, and she couldn't help but feel like she was missing out, So she turned to online dating.

Eager to expand her options beyond her small community, Alan stepped out of her comfort zone and set her sights on Montana, seeking a fresh start, peace of mind, and the chance to find the right partner.

It didn't take long for Allan to become swept up in a whirlwind romance.

Within months, her new partner was telling her he loved her, asking her to be his girlfriend, and even proposing.

But when she learned about the lingering presence of his ex girlfriend, doubt crept in.

Alan began questioning the trust and stability of the relationship.

What followed was a painful journey of shock, betrayal, and devastation.

My childhood didn't ever look normal.

I started having health issues around age ten or eleven, and so in terms of dating, that also looked vastly different.

I had a few high school boyfriend friends, obviously, nothing really that was super serious or anything, just some fun kind of flings.

In college, I did not date at all, which I was pretty sick and going through a lot of treatments.

It was pretty quiet at that time.

I was the guinea pick to have a tinder in college for my friend group.

Again, I wasn't dating, but it was more so an experiment of we just really want to see what it's like and who's out there.

And I think my roommates honestly all had boyfriends or something, but they were like, Alan, you need to get this.

We want to see what it's like.

And we would swipe and be like, oh my god, we know that person, or I can't believe it looks like this or something.

Later in my mid twenties, my close friends were in serious relationships married.

I realized, I'm not in college anymore.

I'm working, but I'm not going out a ton of doing things where I necessarily might meet someone the old fashioned way as easily.

For a while, I also was an event planner in work a lot of weddings, and I had quite a few couples who started coming through who had met via dating apps, and then kind of from there.

I think I opened up more when I first joined was living in my hometown, and so I feel like half the people I knew from growing up and were kind of automatic nos for me.

So I feel like I kind of.

Developed a really fast filtration system for going through people.

My friends will say that I'm notorious for going through profiles very quickly, and I just felt like, well, if I've waited this long, I'm going to be picky, or I have a standard, or I know what a type of person I was looking for the characteristics.

I've always been pretty clear on that my criteria was something more serious and committed in hopes of finding my person in marriage and all the things that I had kind of been shown and was striving for in life.

I guess.

I had kind of a tumultuous start of twenty twenty three.

I'd done a lot of personal work and finally had my health dialed in, and felt like I wanted a little bit of a change.

I'm able to work remotely, and I have always had a love of Montana.

I wanted to get out there for a while for a few years and spend some time I just kind of experience it.

I had kind of an interest in possibly moving there, so I set it up to where I was going to be out there for a month.

I was out there and I had moved my location on the apps.

I was going to be on the apps and just see what that was and meet people.

I'd been there for a while and I was actually leaving town.

I had to come back home for a wedding.

And he came across on Bumble and I knew I had kind of this criteria in my mind of what I look for in profiles and terms of photos or what's included in a bio or not.

And he didn't meet that.

He looked cute, but I was like, just Alan, no, it's no, and I swiped no.

The next day he came back around.

His profile popped up again, but it looked a little bit different.

There were some more photos, and there was a little bit more to the bio.

Nothing crazy, but just a little bit more.

And I'm kind of a believer in timing and you know what's meant to be.

And I thought, oh, maybe you know this guy's coming across my path for a reason or something, And I swiped yes and we matched.

I was again leaving town, so I knew that I wouldn't meet him right away, but I was open to something with distance or just getting to know someone.

I loved it out there.

I was open to coming back.

And I messaged him.

It was on bumble, so I had to do it first, and I said something generic like hey, how's it going, And he responded and said, hey, dream woman.

With hard eyes.

To me, that was an ick.

I get the X pretty quick, but I again was trying to be open.

I was trying not to just write everything off.

I thought, in the scheme of the profiles I'm seeing, he looked pretty good.

And I was just like, give him a chance, give him a chance.

And so I responded, and I kind of made a little joke of it, and I said, you know, big shoes to fill.

He was charming, he was charismatic, he was attentive, he was interested, he was interesting.

He was a hard worker, which is something I value a lot.

He was single, in which I value.

He was looking for something serious.

Getting to know him in an open and honest way, and it felt just easy, and I enjoyed that aspect of it.

He was all the things that I had and experienced in conversations prior with people, and that was something that really drew me in and that I appreciated about him.

Something that happens a lot and happened a lot on the Apps was that things were kind of hyper sexualized, and things would turn sexual lot, or people would want photos or would want to really change into just talking about looks, or it would go a certain direction very quickly.

So even if something, you know, started with a compliment, I always felt pretty uncomfortable with that because I feel like.

I knew where it would go.

And that's another thing about him that I appreciate is that it never went there.

He never asked for anything, and from there I was just engaged and hooked.

And facetimes a big thing for me because I'm like, if I can't physically be with you, I want to see kind of what I'm looking at and who I'm talking to.

And so we did a face time time not many days later.

It was super late, you know, time change.

He was a little bit later than me, and I remember he was in his truck and he had the console light on and he kind of bent down and looked at the phone, and his very first thing he ever said was well, you're cute, but it was kind of in like a tone of that'll do.

I didn't feel complimentary.

I know it was said in a complimentary way, but I feel like I've received that compliment before and it didn't feel the same.

It was kind of more of like a sizing me up thing.

Within less than a week, he told me that he loved me.

That was right after our first FaceTime, within probably twenty minutes of us getting off the phone.

At that same time, he told me that he wanted to have kids with me, couldn't wait for me to be their mom.

The I love you part was quick.

I felt honestly like it was flirty and harmless.

And I say that because I feel like there have been far worse things said to me, or far worse comments.

Guys who have said totally slimy things, are asked for things, or make comments about.

My body or the way that I look.

Or things like that that I have just felt like we're much more dangerous or damaging.

So I felt like, I see this, I see you.

You're not that dangerous.

You just are kind of being dumb right now, is honestly what I felt like that was.

But it wasn't to where it made me extremely uncomfortable like other people had before.

The face time connect was fun, it was exciting.

He felt to me like he hit all the things that I was looking for.

I also kind of felt a little bit of thank God that there's someone out there.

You know, I need to get to know this person more, but there's someone that I can actually feel like matches kind of what I'm looking for and has these qualities and I can have a conversation with.

And that felt like a good step forward down the path that I've been wanting to go down for a while.

He had called me and he said, what are you doing fourth of July?

And I said nothing.

He said, well, why don't you come out.

I'd love to spend time together.

And that meant a lot to me because I felt like, again it spoke to he's serious, he has an intention behind this, He's not just all talk.

And I was open to it.

Again.

I loved it out there.

I felt like it was kind of an adventure and it was fun and why wouldn't I And at that point we had been talking for a while.

But prior to that, before I booked my flight, I called him and I said it kind of in a joky way.

I have my little bank of questions, but I said, hey, I just want to del check before I do this.

You don't have any wives or weird hobbies.

I had been talking to someone for a while and then it turned out that he was like a tarantula lover and how he had twelve tarantulas.

They scare me, and.

So he knew that we had talked about it, and I just want to know if I'm getting into anything weird before I come out there.

And he said, and again I loved this about him.

He said, no, no wives or snakes or weird things.

He said, I do have a DUI from a bad decision when I was younger, but no domestic stuff or fights or anything like.

That's it.

And I was like, okay, Like that was honest.

That was straight up.

I obviously don't love that there's anything on the record, but I valued the honesty and like being transparent about that.

So I ended up flying out there.

That's the first time I met him was over Fourth of July weekend.

We had a magical weekend.

That weekend was a total lightning bolt.

I felt like a movie in a lot of ways.

He wrote that perfectly.

I felt like, finally someone knows what they want and are speaking that out into existence.

Part of what happened and so quickly is that we were intertwined with each other's families, and that happened very very fast.

That's a value that's near and dear to my heart.

It's probably one of the biggest ones.

And he knew that, and he introduced me to his family very quickly.

He and I were sitting out on the deck and he's basically telling me, you don't know how big of a deal it is that you and I are allowed here.

We are on his family property, and he said, you know, my parents don't allow anyone here.

It's such a big deal that you're here and that you and I have this space to ourselves.

And that's when I said, well, what did you tell your parents?

He said that you know that you're my girlfriend.

It's a head tilt and you're like what.

I felt like, I love that I don't have to question where I'm at with him, and so I appreciated that.

And on the other hand, I felt like kind of just told me what we are eating an ask.

It's not like I'm asking you to do some big, huge thing to become my boyfriend.

But I think a conversation's warranted if you're entering into a relationship, and that didn't happen, and so that that was how that conversation started.

Obviously, my friends, my close friends, they think it's their favorite game to track me and track my location.

They think I'm a little sim or something.

They know I'm going to meet him and everything, and they're like, we see you've landed, we see your you know here, how's it going?

And everyone's texting me.

And then he said, well, let's take a picture and send it to them.

So we took our first picture together, and you know, when my friends asked me how it's going.

We have this picture of us beautiful sunset time on the deck, smiling, and I sent it to my friends and I said having a boyfriend or whatever.

And I have all these responses and replies of them saying, oh my gosh, like you're in love, look at your face, like we know you're moving.

I just looked happy.

That was great until we hit our first roadbump.

He invited me on a big family trip.

It was a big deal for their family, a lot going on.

It was something that they do annually, but it was everyone.

It was mom, dad, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, cousins, everyone.

Again, you can say fast.

And I felt that, and I felt nerves, but I also felt like what we were going to do and where we were going was something that was so up my alley.

It sounded so fun.

And I also felt like I cherish family, He cherished family, and I felt honored that he would invite me to do that and that I would have that opportunity and that opportunity to meet a lot of people at once, and you know, that was kind of rare.

I feel like within two hours, probably two hours of being there, and I was with his mom, his dad was outside with him working on something, and his mom was with me, and she ended up on the phone on speaker with someone and they said Alan and him are going to be coming by.

They're with us now, we'll all be together later or something, and the person said, who's Alan?

Who's that?

I can't keep track of them, and his mom's face just goes blank.

It's on speakerphone.

I'm just kind of standing there smiling and looking out the window, like can't escape this.

And she gets off the phone and she says, I'm so sorry.

You know how family is.

And I said, you know, it's fine.

I said, does he date a lot of people?

And she said, oh, no, but you know his situation with his ex And I said, actually I don't.

I said, all I know is that it's an ex and that you guys really do not feel fondly of her.

That was always the narrative I got was that it was a very tumultuous relationship that he had been in with her, and it was rocky, and it was kind of back and forth sometimes, and that the family had very strong opinions about it, and that's all I know.

And she said, oh, she's kind of shoeing me out the door.

And she said, oh, well, yeah, you guys can talk about that.

Talk about a gut punch.

And I go walls up when I get triggered sometimes or just I'm like, I'm supposed to be here for literally a week with these people, and the person who I thought was my partner or had my back in this, I'm now questioning.

And so he and I were in the truck after that we had to drop his mom off somewhere, and so they were in the front seat.

I was in the back seat.

We drop her off and he says, how's your time with my mom?

And I said, well, what's going on with your ex?

And he paused for a minute, he got quiet, and then he said I knew she would do this.

And I said, well, what's she talking about then?

And he said, that's my mom, classic, my mom.

She's always got to stir the pot.

She's always got to say something.

He said, there's nothing going on.

I said, well, why is she eluding?

What's she even talking about?

We kind of went back and forth, back and forth.

And we pull up, we're checking into our hotel, and I'm freaking in the back seat, like what are we even doing here?

And he comes around and he opens the door.

He lays his head on my lap and he says, baby, you have nothing to worry about it.

I'm so so sorry.

And we get to the hotel room and I look him dead in the eyes and I say, if you have anything to tell me, you need to tell me now.

Said I don't understand what she would even be talking about, why she would bring that up, And he says, there is nothing.

He said, my family really has issues with her, they don't think fondly of her.

It's a sticking point, but there's nothing going on.

His family was also backing it up, and I said, okay, And that is what I was told multiple times throughout that week she was brought up.

I was mistaken for her, and that was a really, really tough week for me.

We were on FaceTime and I had seen his house and asked him to show me around, because multiple times my dad had said, oh, you haven't been to his house.

That's weird.

And I said, Dad, like, come on, I know it's weird, but also it just hadn't happened that way.

We had been traveling a lot, we had been doing stuff, and I said, I know, but I've seen it on FaceTime.

He's walked me around.

I've seen stuff.

And so this time when we were on FaceTime, he happened to be upstairs in a bed and it hit me because the bed had red sheets in a fuzzy blanket and everyone knows that's not normal.

And I said, where are you and he said, I'm in my room and I said I want to see it and he said no, and I said, you better show me that room right now.

And he panned the room really quickly, and all you see is stuff in boxes and piles of stuff.

And I said, it is that girl stuff and he said, well yeah.

And that was the first time that it was introduced that she was not present.

And from there the narrative consistently changed.

The goalpost consistently changed.

So it went from I'm single, to she has stuff here, she needs to come get the rest of her stuff too, I'm moving it into a storage unit, to oh, I hear her in the background one night and she's coming to get her stuff.

She just showed up to she actually found out about you, And now she's refusing to leave.

She's on the lease and I can't get her to leave.

It just consistently changed.

It was always that they were not together.

Her presence in our life and in our relationship grew throughout the months.

And I said, okay, and I pressed him on.

I said, what else is there?

I said, do you share anything?

Will there'd be a Netflix bill that comes up in a few months, Is there anything that she's still on?

And you know, no, no, no, no, no, it's really this And so you know what, he was working really hard at the time.

I bought him a massage.

That day, he went and had his massage, He did the storage unit.

He was so excited.

He sent me a photo.

He sent his family a photo.

His family was aware of this, you know, he sent them a photo.

And so when he came to see me, my narrative was, it's separated and done.

He's very smart, and so these things would happen, but it would always be flipped in a way to where I would either feel bad for him and the stress that it put him under or what he was going through.

He would become distraught that I was distraught, or he would become upset that I was upset, And so I felt like, well, if he's having those feelings, I didn't feel like I was being duped.

I felt like, Oh, we're in this together, and this is a crappy situation, and I felt like we were kind of on a team against this person who if you could just go away, it would be so much easier kind of thing.

His behavior flipped a lot right after that Fourth of July weekend, and when we were initially together, so prior to that, he was always a ba answered every call, gave me so much time, was on phone calls, FaceTime, texting all this stuff, and then after that is really when you see the behavior start to flip a little bit.

And it's not that he wasn't there, it's just that a little less available, or would miss a phone call, or I'm really tired, can we talk tomorrow?

Or I would get a little less and less and it would change a little bit.

You know, that's after I'm already hooked and in, and it would shift a little bit.

It was definitely a turning point.

It left me a phrase I kind of always uses, just strung out.

We spent a lot of time together and I really met his extended family, and then he's in town.

He came in he was going to meet my parents where around that day we had talked about marriage before, we had talked about kids, how we would want to raise kids, what we want that to look like, everything.

So we were having very serious conversations.

This wasn't just where do you want to go to for dinner type of relationship.

And we were out that day and he said, do you want to go to a jewelry store?

I'd really like to go look at rings.

So this was, you know, prior conversation, and I said, I kind of knew what I would want to do in terms of a ring.

I kind of have a plan with some jewelry that is in our family.

And I also knew that the jeweler here it's a small town, and I was like, I know that will get back to my mom.

I said, it's okay, we don't need to do that.

We talked about it at lunch.

What type of ring would you want?

What do you want it to look like?

We had that conversation that we go to dinner with my parents.

It's great.

We are at home at my house and he's on cloud we're both on cloud nine, but he is just over the top and it comes out, you know, would you marry me?

And I said yes, and he's crying, he's so just elated.

We were having a really intimate conversation and he said, oh my gosh, you didn't even say yeah.

You said you actually said yes.

And I was like, yeah, this isn't an LOL moment.

Yeah, I said the full ye yes, you know, and that was that.

And I don't think I was hesitant to accept it because I was so in love and I knew that this was the person I was going to spend my life with it also was not.

At all how I envisioned accepting a proposal.

There are things where I felt like, I want the one knee, I want the ring, I want him to know my brother.

He didn't have a chance to meet my brother, and at that point in time, there were some things that were going on in our relationship that needed to be worked on.

So again I felt like, I'm in love with you.

I accept this.

This is a commitment that I'm making, but this isn't something that I'm again going around and sharing.

He says, we need to call and FaceTime my sister and I love his sister, and I said, I really don't want to do that and tell people.

I don't feel right about that.

My family and I are extremely extremely close, and I would feel I don't feel right telling part of yours and not telling mine.

It's not how I do it and my family.

I know better than that.

And he said, please, she loves you, She'll be so excited for us, and he just he worked me, worked me, worked me, until finally we're sitting on FaceTime calling his sister and she's screaming, crying, elated, asking how he did it and all this stuff.

So his sister is the only one who knew.

We asked her not to tell anyone.

I never told anyone.

I knew it would eventually happen, but I never told anyone in my family.

I told my mom would ask and I say, we've talked about marriage.

I said, I think I'll be engaged by the end of the year.

We had those conversations, so she knew it was coming and everything, but didn't know that we had actually had that event occur.

But when we were with his sister, she would introduce me to friends or to random people or whatever as his fiance, and so it was a very double life a little bit that we lived there.

It's separated and done.

The night after he left here after the engagement is the first night that I heard another woman in the background, and that was her, and that is when I realized that she was not gone and that he was not truthful.

So he had after the engagement, he had left here, but after I had gotten home.

I mean, I think we had a cycle of I would usually send a novel text and be like, we need to work on this.

I'm not tolerating this, and it would come back around to I love you, I'm sorry.

I agree, I'm working on it.

We're working on it.

It's going to be great.

And tomorrow was a new day.

The conversations really just were honestly surrounding housing.

That was kind of our conversation at this point in time was I need to get out out.

Basically, he was saying, you know, we're both on the lease.

I can't get her off the lease.

And he said, I've talked to police, I've talked to everyone.

I've talked to my landlords.

I have to be the one to leave, so I can't.

No one can make her leave.

And I said, okay, great, let's find you somewhere.

At that point in time, I was basically being a little bit of a mom and I had my spreadsheet going and I was looking up places that were month to month, that would accept his dogs, that would whatever fit the criteria that we had, because I just wanted him somewhere safe, easy, that he could be, that I could come visit and that would work until we moved into his house.

During this time, he'd be so either so upset at night, she's awful, she's crazy.

I need to get out of here.

What have you found?

Or he would be behavior wise very very picky.

I was kind of busted in my butt and he would come back.

And no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, and maybe there was one yes, and you know, I was like, you can't be this picky.

And it's not forever.

It's maybe for a month or two, and I was like, come on, dude, it's not that big of a deal.

And then he would say, you know, schedule me is showing.

I want to go see it.

And I'd schedule it and then he'd say I can't make it.

And he'd call the next day and say, hey, when's my showing.

And I was like, I canceled it.

You said you can't make it, and he's like, ah, I can do it, you know.

And so it was really this kind of cycle and I would be working on stuff, he would be golfing on the weekends.

Then he'd come home and be super frustrated.

And it was a whole thing that I was extremely frustrated by.

That month as a whole was what I refer to as dark.

We didn't see each other much that month, and it was really really trying to try and kind of navigate that, but feel like I didn't have his full assistance in working on that.

There was gas lighting.

But you know, one day I'd said, can we please face him on Saturday?

And we hopped on and it had been hard to track him down that week, and very early on he had said, oh, I think we should swap locations like that would be kind of good, you know, And so we had each other's locations.

He was never doing kind of anything different necessarily, and so I would see that and get frustrated when I wouldn't hear back sometimes, and so I'd said, let's FaceTime on Saturday.

I haven't we haven't really talked much this week.

I want to kind of run some housing stuff by you.

And I remember we got on and he said, Babe, I really don't want to get into this.

I really don't want to get upset before I go golfing and throw off my golf game.

I just remember being gobsmacked and saying, what are you talking about?

You were not Tiger Woods.

It's a Saturday.

Maybe you're going to go hit some hit some balls or do you know a few holes, But I'm not planning on being in an argumentative state, and so can we please talk about this tomorrow?

Sure?

Okay?

Great?

And pops off the phone.

We never talked about it, but we started spending more time together.

I feel like we had a good little run of time in September.

Anytime we were together it felt good, and we had time with his family.

Anytime we had time with his family, I felt like that was really grounding, and so I always was encouraging of that.

We had a good time with his sister and her family and friends, and then time with his parents another weekend, and I felt like that would always kind of get us on track.

They didn't know all the details, but they knew some bulk of what was going on and what we were facing, and so they were helpful in navigating that, and we were just kind of going through it.

We had a move date.

I had a move date of October.

The end of October, we were kind of pushing towards that.

We didn't know where we would be at housing wise.

We had a few things up in the air, but basically it was I'm moving, and we're either going to get something temporary here or or move into this place.

And that was that.

I had been ordering stuff to start packing up my place here.

I had started shutting down my life here.

Yes, I started not rescheduling with my hairdresser and not rescheduling the dentist, and doing things to just phase out.

I guess you could say more so.

And people knew that, and they knew that I was moving, and I made a pro con list, you know, spreadsheets and pro con lists.

That's me to a tee.

I guess after Labor Day he really screwed me on that, intentionally unintentionally, the travel on that got really really messed up.

We were both supposed to be flying into the same place and it just became a total mess to where you know, he's he's saying, last minute, Oh, I can't go.

I have a sister texting me saying, I can't wait for you guys to be here.

I'm so excited.

And I am saying, what you haven't told your sister.

I said, I'm not telling your sister.

This is not on me to break your heart or we're not coming.

And also, I haven't seen you in a month, so if you're not going, then I'm going to be coming out to see you.

And he said, I don't think that's a good idea, And I what do you mean that's not a good idea?

Why can't I come see you, and I'm frustrated and I'm annoyed, and so I cancel my flight because I want the credit.

And at the very last minute, he says, oh, I can make it to the airport, and I'm left sitting there with no flight and I want to see you.

It's been a month.

We've been having so many issues.

His sister's like, you need to come, you need to be on the I need to see you, Like you have to be here.

And I end up getting in the car and driving a whole day there and just I was like, what are you doing.

You don't do that to someone you love.

You totally just screwed me kind of, and oh, I changed my in my return flight, I'm going to drive home with you and then fly home.

And he would always kind of do it, always kind of make it up a little bit.

But I remember coming home from that and making a pro con list of things that I felt like, this is getting hard, and the ex was far more present, but I'm still getting heavy feedback of I've never seen my brother more happy.

He's so in love with you.

You're a phenomenal person.

I can't wait for you to be my sister in law, like, he's never been like this before.

He's sitting me down, telling me you're everything I've been looking for.

You're my person.

I know that there's issues, but they're going to be finished and done soon.

And so, yeah, I was in this really rough spot.

My family is pretty ride or die obviously, they don't ever want to see me upset.

I think the narrative that I was providing was he's working a ton, and he was, and that I feel like they thought that it was just hard distance wise for us to be a part.

And so I think they were supportive of, well, go be together, figure it out.

His family's great to you.

He's great.

They met him, they loved him when they met him.

They're like, he's so great, he adores you.

It's going to be okay, just like get through this rough patch.

I just felt like we were hitting wall after wall, and I think every goalpost was moved every single time, and here's our timeline for moving or here's our plan for getting you out, or here's this or that, and everything was changing, down to even the location of where I ended up moving to change over Labor Day weekend.

That was another curve ball that was thrown and change, change, change, changed, change, and so I definitely grew in frustration, but we just had magical times together.

There was a lot of love there.

I think again, I keep going back to family love.

His family wonderful, wonderful people.

But I think, to me, even knowing that there was an engagement, you have that at least just get to a move, be together, live together, get the day to day going, and I think it will be a lot better because the main stressor honestly, was not being together and was his ex.

And I just felt like, if we can close that gap, we're going to be okay.

And we had talked about a lot throughout the weekend with his parents, down to talking about a wedding date and when would you want to get married, where would you want to get married.

I mean, we had talked about a lot of things, and I'm not going anywhere.

I think my focus is just making it happen.

And I had a lot going on in my family at that time.

I had two sick family members and that was also a big focus in trying to juggle that on top of this, and I just go into kind of automatic, what needs to be done mode, and that was kind of how I functioned or navigated.

That I think I had not been I want to say aloud.

At his house, something had happened with his dog, and I was asked by him to go in and leave medication for the dog for his ex to give to the dog.

No one was home, he wasn't even home.

I went in and did that, and it does look kind of like a guy lives there.

But at the same time, there's market list on the fridge, and there's a soccer schedule posted, and it became very apparent that this was still a very integrated life, or that she was very present still.

So fast forward a few days.

He had been out of town for work and he said, you know, I'm I'm not going to make it home in time.

We were supposed to go out of town again together.

She's gone this weekend.

We can stay at my house.

And I wavered and I felt like he was letting me in a little bit.

And we were months into this, months and months at this point into this relationship, and I said, he's actually letting me in.

I'm okay.

And so he was getting home very late and he said, go on in.

And I had one of his dogs at that time, and so I went in and I was there by myself, and whenever I was without him or had his things, I would wash his truck and get fuel and vacuum it and do his laundry and fold his clothes and all this stuff.

And I'm so clean and such an organizer and all this stuff.

And I went into the house and there were two rooms, and he had told me we stay in separate rooms, and I one's very clearly a woman's room.

One is very clearly his room.

I go up in there and I'm like, I'm gonna wash the sheets, wash his clothes, everything, and I'm just pulling stuff and I lean down pull something, and outcomes lingerie from under his bed and I just froze.

And I look under there and there's also a woman's shirt and a purse, and I'm thinking, really fast, how do I want to handle this?

I texted him and I said, why is there lingerie under your bed?

And he responded and said, why are you.

Going through all my things?

And I just remember I was on his floor and I started sobbing, and I said, how stupid am I?

Like it hit me like a wave and I how dumb am I?

That I am?

In this situation and that you just said that to me.

Then he backtracks and me, he says, this is totally her personality.

She would just throw that in there.

She knows that you're around, and she's done that before, and that's totally like her to plant something.

I was so hurt that he would even say that to me to begin with, like why are you going through my stuff?

Because it had always been with mine is yours?

And also I'm just rude.

And there were a few other items in there, and I said what are these?

And I said why are these here?

And he said that's just like her.

She would totally put those in there.

And I just didn't respond and I shut it down, and I was like, I can't be here.

This is not good for me.

I started looking at hotels.

I have his dog.

What do I do with his dog?

He's not going to be home till late, all this stuff and I have my bag in the car and all this stuff.

And his sister called and you know, how is it.

How are you guys having fun?

And I was like, you would not believe this, no, And she totally talked me down.

She said, alan, that's something she would one hundred percent do you have to know that.

And she almost laughed at it.

She was like, that's comical that that happened.

She said she would one hundred percent plant that.

How could you not see that?

And I was like, I was speechless.

I'm still kind of speechless.

She said, you know he loves you.

You know that you guys are in this together.

She said that woman is evil.

She will do anything to bring him down.

You have to know that.

She said, you rise above it.

You throw it back in her room, and you have a good weekend together.

And that is what I did.

So I calmed down, I ordered dinner, I did his laundry.

I found another thong doing his laundry.

I threw it in her room.

Turns out later that that was not his ex's thong, that was another woman's song.

So I was just really doing the community's laundry at that point in time.

He got home late and I was still angry, but I had gone to bed and he came up.

He flips the lights on.

He said, you're really going to fake asleep right now?

And I said, I'm really gonna be asleep right now, and he said, well, come down.

I haven't had He said, have you eaten.

It's like late, and I said yeah, and he said, I'm going to be downstairs.

So I go downstairs, and you know, he had another present.

It was this whole I had this whole other birthday present for him.

It was out.

He had opened it and everything, and he's so happy.

He's in this good mood, all this stuff.

And I said, well, are we going to talk about this, you know, now, or I may maybe tomorrow.

You know, I'm tired, I'm so worn out.

And he he says, no, we can talk about it now.

And we're sitting there on the couch and he says, you know, it's nothing.

He said, you also, you knew what you were getting into with this, and I've always told you from the start that you don't have to be in this relationship and you don't have to do this.

And I was floored because that has never been a conversation.

He's always teared up and started crying if I've ever said anything to the effect of I can't do this and if she continues to be in our lives, I will not be here.

He has been so upset, and so he's sitting there nonchalant, it's not a big deal.

You're overreacting.

You know, I've told you this.

I don't know why you're reacting this way.

And I got so upset again I'm not an argumentative person.

I finally just got up and walked away, and he said, oh, there you go.

Yeah, you would walk away right now.

And I got up.

I walked up and went to bed.

He came up, didn't shower, it, didn't brush his teeth anything, hopped in bed, put his arms around me, goes to sleep, and the next day it's normal, it's fine.

And it bugged me.

Anything like that irks me.

And later in the afternoon I said, I just are we okay?

What?

He goes, what are you talking about?

And I said, what obviously what happened?

Like where we're at?

And he he said, Alan, I don't dwell on anything, absolutely not.

We're fine, We're working on our future.

We're good.

And then that was that and we moved on and we had the conversation.

I said, if you ever don't want to be with me, you need to let me know.

I said, please let me go.

I said, I would rather you be happy and be with her.

I said, I've been cheated on before.

This is a very big deal to me, I said please, And at this point in time, I'm crying.

I'm so emotional this weekend, and I said, please let me go.

I said, I I don't ever want to stand in the way of you being happy, and he all over me, holding my hand.

I would never do that.

You're who I want to be with.

I would never cheat on you.

I don't have the time for that.

No one has the time for that.

Wow, would I ever do that?

This whole conversation, he said, babe, just hold on another few weeks and you're going to be out here.

We're going to be living together.

She'll be out of our lives and it'll be great.

That was that weekend, and it was a huge blow up to me, but it was just another day for him kind of thing.

So we spent that weekend together.

I rallied.

It was a very rough weekend.

We were together and we were working through it, and things aren't perfect.

I was supposed to be coming out again in another few weeks.

This was the very start of October, and I was house sitting at that point, and it was always what's mine is yours, and I was going to come out and he was going to come stay with me and all this stuff.

And so that week things were normal, but the few days prior to me coming out, things got a little odd.

I called him, I said, can we touch base.

I'm supposed to be coming out.

I want to talk about the weekend and if there's anything you want to do.

And it had happened before to where I would fly in uber to his house and use a car or something like that, and so I said, I think I'm gonna fly in.

Here's when I arrive.

Can I come and get the truck again and go from there?

Then I'll see you when you get off work.

And he said I don't want you driving the truck, and I was really taken back by that.

He'd always you know, what's mine is yours.

We're one and the same, and so he said, I really don't think that's a good idea.

I don't want you driving the truck.

And I was taken back by that, and he was just not in a good mood, and he said, I actually think I want to go to the cabin this weekend.

And I was like, what are you saying, I'm going to be in town when I finally come to town.

Why would you go somewhere else, and he just said, I, you know, I really want to go up there, and I said, well, I can't because I'm I have this commitment, and so why wouldn't you spend time together and then you can go And he said, don't ever tell me that I can't go there.

And I knew it was a trigger because his ex was not allowed there on that property, and I think that that was kind of something that they had an issue with.

I said, I'm.

Never telling you where to go or what to do, but I'd love to spend time with you.

And I said, let's just talk about this tomorrow, and so we got off the phone.

I'd fly out there the next day.

I said, can you let me know if you're going to be coming, because I'm going to go to the store.

I'm going to get some food.

And he says, I, you know, it's going to be a long day, but I'll let you know.

And I just was like, he's not not coming.

I bought food, I started cooking dinner, all this stuff.

I said.

I saw his dough, I saw his location.

He's at home, super close by, and I said, okay, Like in my mind, I'm like, see you soon.

You'll be here for dinner.

I've been talking to his sister about the recipe, like we're gonna have such a fun weekend.

He texted me and said, hey, I, you know this relationship has gone too fast, and I think I need some time.

And I just remember, I just crumbled to the floor.

And I knew and.

I just died inside.

And I called and he didn't answer, and I looked and his location was gone, and I knew, I'm not going to call you again.

You know what you're doing.

And I was talking to his sister, So, I think your brother just broke up with me.

And she said there's absolutely no way and I said I think so, and she said no, he would never She said that would never happen.

And I said, I don't understand.

And I texted him back and I said, I don't understand.

Is this a breakup?

And he said, I think for now, yes, that's the best.

I need to focus on myself.

I remember I called him one more time.

He didn't answer.

His sister said, he stopped sharing his location with me, so he stopped sharing his location with her as well, and she's like, something's going on, and I just was hysterical.

Like, how could you do this to me?

What are you doing?

I know that you're like about ten minutes away from me.

This doesn't make any sense.

You're also not answering the phone.

You're not giving me any kind of explanation.

His sister was really heavy on, well, there's something going on.

What does the ex have over him that's causing this to happen, because this is not normal behavior, This is not him.

It was just an odd time.

It was what is going on?

So even though again even though it had happened to me, it's what's going on with him, and something's going on, and she's for the whole night racking her brain.

She's like, I can't believe this.

He's not responding and they're doing their whole brother sister thing.

And even the next day she said, you know, I finally told my parents and I talked to his mom.

I personally talked to his mom at length, and she said, we never saw this coming.

We thought that you'd be our daughter in law.

And she said, I don't know what he's doing right now.

She said, we're concerned that he is making poor decisions that he's made in the past.

And I said, what are you talking about like I didn't I know all this was kind of news to me, and then it started to make sense.

The veil kind of dropped.

And then that night is when I I learned more.

I remember calling my mom and just I couldn't speak, and she said, is it him?

What happened?

And I didn't even have to say anything, and even my parents, my parents were like, maybe this is cold feet.

I know when my parents, you know, my mom said, when when we first got together, you know, you're we went on a great trip, and then your dad broke up with me, and then he got cold feet, and then he came back around.

We were engaged and it's great.

That was always a perspective, like everyone saw the best in him, and I just was crushed and I you're it's all, it's all gone, and the blink of an eye, what what was was no longer and I'm like, was it even something?

I don't know?

And I'm also out there.

I don't have my family, I don't have my friends, I don't have anyone, and I know that he's very close to me, but we're not in contact, and so I'm like I feel very lost with that as well.

That day I think there was a lot of conversations with family, a lot with his family and I.

We were very close, and you know, his parents were like, we're trying to get a hold of him, and he's golfing.

Surprise, surprise, the man is on the golf course and he's telling them you don't understand, you don't need to worry, like, stop bugging me, stop butting in.

I'm handling everything, and I just what is going on.

I don't understand, and I'm trying to comfort myself.

I'm laying on the couch finally calming down a little bit.

And his sister had told me the night prior.

She had said, why do I have a Facebook message request from his ex?

And they just head to head clash.

She said why do I have it?

And she said, how do I look at it?

And you know, I told her, I said click here, look here, you know, go through.

And she looked at it and it was empty.

It was basically a request and then it was unsent, so there was nothing there.

And I had talked to her more the next day and she said it got very messy.

She ended up making me cry.

She said it was very nasty.

She said, that is someone that you do not ever want to talk to her, come in contact with, and that was always the narrative was nasty, nasty, nasty, and I knew her name.

I'm sitting there on the couch and I for some reason, I checked my Facebook messages, which I never do.

I look at the requests especially, and I have a message request from her, and same thing, a request, but it's an unset message, so there's nothing there.

And I just you know, you reach a point where you're alone, but you also want answers.

And I messaged her and I said, can I help you?

And she responded immediately, and she said, this is who I am.

He's my boyfriend but also my fiance of however many years we lived together.

I just found a letter that you wrote him the other day.

He told me that he broke up with you.

She sent me screenshots of his breakup texts, and she said, I also just found out that he is dating or has been cheating on both of us with many other women.

And it goes boom boom boom, boom boom, screenshots of everything, and she goes, he's right here if you want to talk to him.

It's just a bomb.

I called and I, she answered.

She says very calmly, and she says, hi, Alan.

She goes here, he is, if you want to talk to him, and she puts it on speakerphone and holds it up to him, and he gets nasty and he says awful things, and she goes, yep, that's how he talks to me all the time.

And I just can't speak.

And again I go into him, so sorry.

I didn't know, and you know, I knew, but I didn't know, and I just said I'm so sorry.

I didn't ever mean to come between you two.

I didn't realize.

And she was like, yep, this is what my life is.

And then she starts hitting me with question, question, question, question of well, how long have you been together and what have you been doing?

And I just said, I'm so sorry.

I can't even talk right now.

I think I said I'm sorry a million times.

I called my mom and I said, well, it's a lot worse than we thought.

And I called his sister and I had to call his parents, and I said, I think there's a lot more that's going on here.

And I'm now spreading the news of what's going on and filling in the families and breaking everyone's hearts of what's going on, and his parents had no idea, sister had no idea.

He had told his sister that she had fully moved out, So I'm kind of igniting a family feud there, and it just snowballed the information and went haywire.

He texted me, he called me, ignored it, and then he called me again.

He said, I'd like to come see you face to face.

And I said, I don't know what you could possibly have to say to me, and he said I know, And I said, fine, I think I was just curious, I guess what, And also I just what are you gonna possibly say?

And he came and he sat down across from me, and he couldn't look at me.

And I said, so is this true?

I said, you've been seeing her, you've been with her, and he said yep.

And I said okay.

And I said, and you've been also cheating on both of us then with other women, and he said yep.

And I said okay.

And I said, do you realize that you've devastated two families completely?

And he started, you know, the alligator tears, he gets up, gets a tissue, comes back down.

He said yeah, you didn't deserve this.

And I said, damn right, I didn't deserve this.

And I said I don't know why you would do this.

Both of our families are shattered because of what you did.

And he just can't look at me.

And I said, is there anything else you want to say?

And he said no, and he gets up to leave and I said there's nothing else you want to say and he goes no.

He said, so you're not going to tell me that I should also probably go get tested for STIs.

He goes, well, yeah, I guess so, and I said okay, because his ex had also told me she tested positive for two that week in her first message, so it was just a fun little bonus.

So that was the last thing he ever said to me.

And he walked out.

I watched him drive away.

He texted me later he said, don't let her bring you into this.

I said, I think that you did that and he said yeah, I'm sorry, and I said, please go get help.

It was a parent that there was some dependency issues.

I said, please go get help and he said, I'm actually the only competent one here.

And today's a new day.

It actually feels really good that this is all out in the open, and I said, you need help and he said that means a lot that you really believe in me.

And I said, I I want you to get help.

I hope you do.

You know, the only competent one really got me.

And I said, okay, the mask has fallen and you were not who I thought you were.

I don't know this person, you know, And he said that.

He said, I feel better.

Everything's out in the open, and to me, I'm like, you have.

Nothing's better.

You just destroyed from there.

More and more would only come out in the weeks to follow, but he felt fine about it, and that was kind of our conversation.

He texted me the next morning and said, I love you so much.

I never meant to hurt you.

I never said I was using you as a prop for my family.

But it really hurts that you're choosing to believe all this.

But I also understand it because I lied to you.

It's like it's all in writing, like you just tied it up with.

But I did lie to you, bo, And I said, I think how you use people as sick.

I think that you are sick.

I said, you promised me a life.

You promised me a future.

You gave me all these things and said all these things, and it meant nothing.

And I said, I think that you are very sick, and I pray that you truly get help because of what you've done, and I hope that that happens for you.

And that was the last time we ever talked.

That was the end.

When I spoke with Alan, I asked her to reflect on the factors that led to her overlooking or downplaying her partner's behavior.

Yeah, it was just bizarre, and there were many bizarre things.

I think I didn't fully register.

He said some things that were so outrageous very quickly, or just so off the wall very quickly, and I think that kind of caught me off guard.

And I always see the best in people, or want to see the best in people.

I think part of his gift is that he always made me feel desired and safe and beautiful and like it was everything he wanted.

So I never really felt like it was a challenge to meet his standards.

I felt like he was just gobsmacked with me kind of thing, and that just goes into the love bombing from there.

I was curious about what meet her so open to meeting someone out of her area, even if it meant navigating a long distance relationship.

Well, I think he probably had a lot of reasons that it worked out for him.

For me, I think I was open to anything.

It's not that I wasn't open to meeting someone here, of that would be so much easier, But I also think in general, I was just open to meeting my person and finding out what was out there.

And I also feel like I had had a lot going on work wise and things, and so I'm also not I was always kind of focused on that too, and so not necessarily boy crazy.

I always kind of felt like I like doing my own thing, and long distance is okay.

If I don't see you every single day, that that's fine.

So that was part of it.

I also knew I loved it out there and that a move wasn't always off the table, So if I ended up with someone out there, then that was an option.

There were a few things I don't obviously far less alluring.

Once you're in it and you're in love with someone and you're in that phase of just feeling like I want to be with you all the time, that wasn't alluring at all, And became very, very difficult, but in general, it wasn't something that I felt like was going to stop me from wanting to try it or anything.

I also wanted to know a therapy played a part in her life, especially how it helped shape her decisions during all the relationship drama.

I have been going to therapy consistently for a long time.

That started when I was probably eighteen.

I believe I was referred to someone for chronic health issues, someone who specialized in that kind of when they were like, we don't know what to do with you, they sent me to her.

And so I've been seeing someone for a long time, off and on.

But at this point in time, throughout this whole relationship, I was consistently every week seeing my therapist when I was in town, and so she knew about this relationship and we were kind of discussing it.

I disclosed I feel like everything, I usually kind of look at myself as an open book.

I do think there were things in retrospect, though, that I didn't even recognize as being extremely wrong that I didn't tell her until after everything happened, and I would say, oh, yeah, well this did happen, and she her eyes get big and she's how did we not talk about that?

But throughout the process, she was really the main person that I did confide in, and I would come back and say, this is happening with the X or I don't understand or I don't know what to do, and really with her, I feel like and she'll say the same that we were really working on my ability to trust in people.

And I think that's something that I've always kind of worked on after going through my chronic health issues, is trust.

In a way, I think I've I lost a lot of trust in the medical system or in myself and in people and just kind of working on that.

And I think that she and I were working on that week by week and does this still feel good?

And how's it going and stuff like that, And so I was confiding in her, but at the same time, she, in retrospect.

Didn't know all that was going on.

And I do have a few moments where I did talk to my friends, they did become aware of the ex.

And finally I asked her about the time she felt stuck in limbo within the relationship and how did that factor her ability to move forward.

Interestingly enough, my mom brought this up.

She said, you know, I noticed that you never actually packed to move.

And she said, you did everything.

You told everyone, You bought all the moving supplies possible, you looked at movers, you had it circled on the calendar, everything, but you never actually packed a single thing in your house.

I just think, knowing you and knowing how prepared you always are, that that was kind of odd.

And I think you kind of knew that you weren't going to do it, or that you were maybe waiting for something.

And I said, I never noticed that at all, But in my mind, I was just waiting for We were waiting for something to happen with his work.

We were waiting for a green light on something.

And again he left me and Limbo left me in Limbo, I just felt like weird suspended state in retrospecting and knowing myself, I know my body always knows.

I think I was probably waiting for something to happen, but my mind was probably going, but my body was probably holding me back.

I think.

Alan quickly realized that she had rushed into a relationship, eager to believe the best in her partner, despite sensing that something wasn't quite right.

She waited for a sign that things would improve, but that moment never arrived.

Now on a journey to understand the deep impact of shattered trust and betrayal, she is focused on rebuilding her self confidence, strength, and personal boundaries.

Allan has found a powerful outlet in creating a podcast where she shares her own stories, invites others to do the same, and uses her voice to raise awareness about relationship trauma.

Her mission is to support those who are navigating similar challenges and to help them find their own path to healing.

Until next time, I'm Jake Deptula and this is Love, Lust Fear.

Every guest featured on Loveless Fear selects at charity or organization to share.

Please check the show notes on this episode for more details.

If you are someone you know as being abused by a partner, there is help available.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline provides essential tools and support to help survivors of domestic violence.

Just call one eight hundred seven nine to nine safe that's one eight hundred seven nine seven two three three, or you can text start to eight eight seven eighty eight.

If you'd like to be a guest on Loveless Fear and share your personal dating and relationship story.

You can email us at Lovelessfearpod at gmail dot com or dm us on Instagram at loveless fear Pod.

Disclaimer.

Information shared on this podcast should not be considered as a professional advice or a substitute for seeking professional advice