Most men think of a midlife crisis as buying a sports car, or changing careers, or chasing new thrills, or, maybe…trading in the older wife for a younger one. Hell, man, you might even be wearing your high school class ring again.

Whatever the case, you must understand this:

Midlife…is a grief event. 

It’s the death of former identities. For us men, it’s the death of the athlete, the romantic, the dreamer, the son, the student, the rebel, the stallion, the provider…even The Future Self…that once-idealized version of you that you thought you’d become “by now.”

I’m Nelson Pahl, an experiential psychologist that makes it easy for midlife men to reclaim identity and reinvent themselves.

And in this podcast episode, we’ll explore five signs your midlife funk might actually be unresolved grief.

Way back in 1999—back when Yugoslavia was still a country, people trembled at the thought of Y2K, gas was just a buck-nineteen a gallon, and Ricky Martin recorded a song we still can’t get out of our heads…

“She's into superstition…black cats and voodoo dolls…”

Well, way back then, when a younger, more virile version of both you and me roamed this world…

Dutch researcher Hubert Herman and Polish researcher Piortr Oles carried out a study that examined the concept of midlife crisis in men. In their research—which was published in the academic journal Human Relations—the pair concluded that this midlife funk is "a process of intensive transition of the self including the reinterpretation of time perspective, reevaluation of life values and goals, confrontation with death as a personal event in the future, and planning of the second half of life."

In other words…

They described midlife much like an identity crisis triggered by bereavement.

With that said…

Sign # 1: You feel a deep sadness you can’t explain.

If you wake up with a heaviness that isn’t about money, work, or relationships, you may well be grieving a version of yourself you used to be. This is so typical for us midlife males.

In fact…

HelpGuide’s analysis of gender-specific midlife patterns finds that “Men might be more likely to (one) feel as if their past decisions have limited their future options and (two) experience deep sadness and regret."

Sign #2: You’re nostalgic for old times.

Constantly looking backward, reliving your twenties or thirties, is a common way we midlife men mourn our lost identities. It’s like, when and where did life get so trite and boring? So passionless, ya know?

Now, before we get to signs 3, 4, and 5, I’d like to introduce a second study. Here, research from the MacArthur Foundation Study of Successful Midlife Development found that 23% of participants experienced what they called a "midlife crisis," but only 8% of the total linked it to aging awareness, while 15% experienced it due to major life transitions. 

With this in mind…

Sign #3: You’ve lost interest in things that once defined you.

Maybe you were the “career guy” or the “athlete.” When those no longer feel like you, it can leave an empty, hollow space in you.

Sign #4: You feel restless but don’t know why.

Restlessness is often unresolved grief searching for direction and/or outlet.

Sign #5: You feel like a stranger to yourself.

Identity grief can make you feel like you’ve outgrown your old self but, at the same time, haven’t yet stepped into a new version of self.

If these sound familiar, your midlife “crisis” may actually be a call to grieve — and to grow.

If what I shared today resonates with you, I created a free 3-part private audio course called The 3 Hidden Deaths of Midlife. It’s where I go deeper into how to shed outdated identities and start your own resurrection. You can get instant access at MidlifeCourse.com.

And if you’re ready to take the next step, Resurrection Camp is my 28-day challenge for midlife men who are ready to rise again. You can learn more at Resurrection.camp.