If you follow this podcast space, you know I see midlife not as a crisis but, rather, as a grief event. 

And if you’re stuck in that midlife funk, there’s one question that can instantly reframe everything.

My name’s Nelson Pahl. I’m an experiential psychologist that makes it easy for midlife men to reclaim identity and reinvent themselves.

And in this episode, I’m going to ask you that very question.

Most men try to escape this midlife season—with new cars, new careers, sometimes even new partners. Yet, what if the real answer isn’t escape…but, instead, surrender?"

A 2019 study, one published in the Royal Society’s academic journal, Notes & Records, finds that “while midlife crises may lead to periods of distress, they can also offer opportunities for personal redefinition and growth.”

Additionally, The Centre for Male Psychology, after a review of empirical research, states that 10 to 20% of all men experience a traditional midlife crisis, suggesting that the real process is more about transformation than it is “crisis.”

However, many of us ardently resist those calls for transformation, don’t we? I mean, change can be a trip, right?

So…

Here’s a question that changed my life, and it can change yours too:

What part of me needs to die…so a truer part of me can live on?

With this question in mind…research from the International Association of Analytical Psychology concludes that after a man successfully navigates a midlife crisis, deep shadow contents rise to the surface and he is challenged to live through the unlived, where his inner value system, oftentimes, becomes significantly different, even opposing the previous version.

So, again, I pose…

What part of you needs to die…so a truer part of you can live on?

It’s a question of identity. It’s not about losing yourself—it’s about shedding the outdated version of you that no longer serves who you’re becoming.

It’s viewing identity as a dynamic process. This approach is supported by longitudinal research published in the study Identity Formation in Adulthood, which finds that "identity is not a static entity, but instead remains fixed, once initial resolutions are made. Rather, changing life circumstances, coupled with changing biological and psychological factors, requires ongoing identity reconstruction.

Because our midlife funk isn’t really about age. It’s about grief. The grief that comes with letting go of old roles, old dreams, and even old versions of yourself. 

And what’s the best way to approach grief? Well, it’s through Neimeyer’s theory of reconstruction—the reconstruction of both meaning and identity.

Because, if you don’t face this grief…it simply festers. 

And as it does, it debilitates, and can even cause you long-term misery.

But if you do face this midlife grief…

It can transform you.

So here’s what I want you to do right now. Grab a notebook or a post-it note or even your phone. I want you to write a single sentence that finishes this prompt:

“The part of me that needs to die is ___, so a truer part of me, ___, can live on.”

Don’t overthink it. Just write the first thing that comes to mind.

That single sentence is the starting point.

Now, I know all this might feel uncomfortable. That's actually a good sign. Psychological research tells us that 'midlife is an initiation, and initiations are supposed to be hard – but they're a necessary part of any journey toward growth and wholeness.'

What you're doing right now - identifying what needs to die - is what psychologists call 'conscious individuation.' You're not running from who you are. You're choosing who you become.

Most men get stuck because they try to hold onto everything - the old identity AND the new one. But transformation doesn't work that way. Something has to be released so something better can emerge. That's not loss, my friend. That's conscious evolution.

So, if you’re ready to go deep, to really transform and reinvent yourself, to redefine your present and future existence, I invite you to enroll in my powerful 28-day challenge, Resurrection Camp. It’s the game-changer you’ve been waiting for. To learn more, just log onto Resurrection.Camp. You’ll find that link in the show notes of this podcast.

Until next time…