So what was it like my first time falling in love as someone diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder?

What a narcissist falling in love for the first time.

What was that like?

What went through my mind?

How did I feel?

Am I still in love with that person?

All that and more today on Dragon Ball Z.

Now if you're new here, I'm Lee Hammock.

I'm a diagnosed narcissist.

And welcome to the welcome to another episode of The Narcissist Code.

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back.

Yo.

If you don't know, I still do my one-on-one coaching.

You can find that at mentalillness.net and enter the code mental 15 for 15% off the one-on-one coaching Zoom calls or the phone calls.

Y'all yes, yes no.

But seriously, man, narcissistic people, toxic people like I do believe that a lot of us can fall in love, right?

We, we can't feel love, we can't experience love to get that question out the way 'cause I know a lot of y'all going to ask that question.

Can a narcissist love in the 1st place?

Lee, I don't actually think that you were in love.

Demons can't love.

Narcissists have no souls that make you soulless and you need a soul to love.

A soul is the prerequisite for lovely and you don't have a damn soul.

So stop lying to people.

What did I do to deserve that?

You don't know me.

You don't know my heart now.

But seriously man, I have been in love before.

I'm in love right now.

I love my wife.

Know people ask me like, do you really love your wife?

Yes, I love my wife, my every fiber of my being.

I do love my wife.

I do love my children, but this is not about that relationship.

I told my I told that story a while ago.

No, I might even tell that story later.

I'll tell you about the first time I was in I was in high school.

I was still in high school, right And I met this young lady.

We're going to call her.

I didn't say these names while I even come out here.

We're going to call her Bella.

Bella.

Let's say Bella like from like from Twilight, Bella from Twilight, right.

So meet Bella through a friend, right?

And I, I, I saw having these weird feelings for her, right?

I, I liked her.

She's a beautiful woman, right?

I'm just like now pretty girl.

I like her, you know, And then it just started getting deeper.

The, the further our relationship went, the deeper it felt, the deeper I felt, you know, I mean, it's just like, I felt feeling like this person was made for me.

Like really, I really truly felt like this person was 100% made for me.

And we were like what, one year at age different.

I was, I was 18, I think she was 1716.

So we're still in school together.

But like, yeah, till the high school.

So yeah.

So even after I graduated, we still dated, you mean?

But it was like crazy.

Like we kept moving on and things like that.

We dated for how long?

We were together for a few years, wasn't it?

That was together for a long time.

That's crazy.

It's so long ago, man, but I remember just feeling like this person was created for me.

I remember and I think it was pretty much my one of my first girlfriends in high school.

Y'all, I was a very late bloomer.

I'll say it like that.

I was a very, very late bloomer.

So I didn't really I was afraid of girls.

I was scared to talk to girls, you know, so I was just like, please, somebody talk to me.

I just I mean I'm being funny.

I'm being I'm a shot funny guy.

So I first met this girl.

It was cool.

We just met naturally because we rode the bus together and stuff like that.

We were cool.

All that stuff type of stuff went on and then as time went on, I started feeling like this person completed me like this was the person for me.

I was like, damn, I, I, I feel like I couldn't breathe without this person.

I feel like I couldn't move without this person.

You know, it's just like this song.

I can't breathe baby without you in my life.

I can't go on baby.

This is my song, baby.

I forgot what the song it is.

Bonus points if you know the name of that song is, but that's part of it, man.

I was just like, I can't believe what I was doing.

So I'm still in high school, right?

So I'm giving, I'm love bombing her by giving her everything I got.

You know, I ain't had no job in high school.

I play sports.

So anything I got from playing sports or my allowance for my Mama, I was doing trying to do things for her minor little things and whatever, because that's all I had, right?

I'm a kid.

I didn't have much.

I had nothing.

So I gave her everything I had.

So it I did love Mama.

I feel like she was the person for me.

But after I graduated and she still like I had a year left of school, right?

So I was just like I got out there into the real world.

I started working, I started getting a job and I got around other people.

You know, I know this is going, don't you?

But once I started working and getting around other people, I became disinterested in this person, right?

I just felt like this person wasn't fit for me anymore.

The devaluation phase started, you know, I no longer felt like I was in love with this person.

I'm like, I, I cared about this person.

I thought we had a future together.

We're going to live together, to have kids together, blah, blah, blah, blah, right?

But then literally I started seeing other people in real life, like, damn, I, this might not be the one for me, you know, like this might not be the person for me anymore.

There's so many options out here.

I don't want to have a fear of missing.

I don't want to miss out anybody else.

I don't want to miss out on nothing.

So of course I didn't break up with her.

I started just this isn't my distancing myself from I, I didn't see her much anyway because she was still in school.

I started literally started to work and whatnot.

And for, I think for the first semester I went to college.

No, no, no, no, I went to college after that the I took a semester off when I graduated from high school, I took a semester off and done with the A&T January of 2004 N Carolina Agricultural Technical State University Aggie Pride in 2004, right?

So that's cool for me.

So I went to school, She was still in school.

She didn't have no plans of going to college or whatever.

I was like, this girl ain't for me.

I, she ain't trying to, she ain't on the same level.

So I'm literally starting to look out to other people, started talking to other people, started partying with my friends and stuff like that.

So I'm started neglecting her.

And you already know what happens, right?

You started neglecting people, they started to distance themselves from you.

So she's like, not dumb, she was a smart girl, but she started distancing herself from me and I didn't like that.

I didn't like that at all, right?

So I actually hated that because I wanted even in my young narcissist days, I still wanted to be the centerpiece.

I still wanted to be the one that's in control.

I wanted to be the one that would could break up with you and not necessarily have you break up with me.

That's how it felt, right?

So I was still calling, texting her or whatever the case may be.

We we couldn't really call a text much because this is before really cell phones got started.

You mean this is back in 2003, 2004, like so long ago.

Damn.

Just 20 something.

I'm old, man.

20 years ago.

The hell?

That is crazy to me.

2003, I graduated 03.

Yeah, 22 years ago.

I'm 40.

That's crazy, man.

But yeah.

So I'm still texting her, doing whatever I can, calling her house, whatever.

He's still talking and talking and talking.

Then years, few years go by, she ends up graduating.

But you know what?

She she doesn't go to college.

I'm still, I'm moved to Greensboro and I'm like working in, I was not working at Block, but I was, I might have been still been working at Subway.

I worked at Subway in Greensboro for a while.

So I'm working at Subway in Greensboro.

She started working at this plant in Reedsville.

I think it's called Quality Associates.

I used to work there a long time ago too.

That was my first, one of my first jobs.

But then the rumors started floating around.

They're like, yeah, ain't your girl talking to somebody else?

I was like, is she now knowing that I'm up here doing dirt, I'm doing dirt, I'm talking to other people, I'm flirting, I'm doing all kinds of stuff, but I didn't want her talking to anybody else because I still want to be in control.

You see, even at a young age, it's like 20/21/22 years old, I'm still trying to be in control.

I'm still out here trying to do my thing.

I'm still want other people, right?

I'm still exploring.

I don't want to just I only have one girlfriend my whole life.

That would have been sweet, right?

That's not like one of those sweet movies.

But that's not really what I wanted, you know, that's to me because you have you have a bunch of friends around.

You didn't talk to a lot of girls.

I didn't want to be the one that just talk to 1 like you're lame, you're lame near your lanes.

Peer pressure and ego, right?

Peer pressure and my ego.

So I'm still talking to other people.

I heard she's talking to somebody else and I was like, are you talking to somebody else?

She's like, no, no, no, no, no.

So of course I didn't want to have that.

So we end up breaking up for something.

I think she was just saying we were going, our lives are going to different directions, which is true right now.

Look at it now, years ago, it's absolutely true, right?

Our lives were absolutely going to different directions.

I was trying to go to school and do have a career and do stuff like that.

She just wanted to be at home, be a mom, whatever, right?

So we end up kind of breaking up.

I was like this is kind of this is too quick.

So I went to her house and she wasn't home and it went to her house and she wasn't home.

Guess what she was at at the new dudes house and she was talking to I was like, what the hell, heartbroken playing Usher.

So I'm playing Usher.

This is 2000.

This back in the early 2000 I'm playing Usher moving, moving mountains.

I don't need moving mountains that came out like that came out back then I'm listening to still my favorite, still my favorite song to this day.

Can you help me by Usher Still my favorite song to this day.

Can you help me Usher need a need a shout out, man, can you help me?

So I'm listening to that song knowing what she's doing.

And then she finally confessed and said they have been telling somebody else, blah, blah, blah.

I'm heartbroken, I'm angry.

And then of course, custard, a little bit rattle, we have a little razzle dazzle.

And then I hadn't talked to her in years.

There's it.

This has been 20 years, 20 something years now.

They haven't talked to her.

That stung for a long time because you felt that betrayal even though I was doing even though I was betraying her, because I was talking to people doing other stuff, which was which was not right.

I will openly admit that it was not right.

And but she moved on.

She did.

I think she still might.

She might still be with the same guy now.

I think she might still be married to the dude now, which is good.

If y'all see this video, shout out to y'all.

Y'all doing good.

Shout out to y'all.

And this is 20 years ago.

So if they're married or whatever the case may be, good for them.

But back in the day, yeah, they hurt.

It sucked, right, to go through that.

And I feel like part of that shaped me in my early years because I didn't know how to be in relationship.

The only thing I knew about relationships was reading Cosmopolitan magazine.

Y'all Cosmo, Remember Cosmo magazine?

I used to be in the bathroom reading Cosmo.

Celebrities are like, they're just like us.

And what women won't always read the What women want sections?

Girls are girls want this.

So I used to try to mimic the things that I read in Cosmo magazine to try to get women to like me, right.

I was like, girls like funny boys.

They gotta be funny.

So I'll see my sister.

You see why part of my sense of humor comes from just because like you want girls like you just be funny.

So I was part of my sense of become from it's a trauma response as well.

But like it works.

I'm I'm them.

They're a comedian, but that ends up being a big piece of who I am.

And like that relationship shaped me because I definitely betrayed her first and then she ended up betraying me and then, well, she broke over me.

So but she was already talking to somebody else and she betrayed me too.

You, you did you did you see this?

You did do it, Bella, you didn't do it.

But it's all good, man.

But but you see, even at a very young age when I was in love, I still was doing a cycle of narcissistic abuse.

Even when I didn't know it was a cycle of narcissistic abuse.

I definitely met her love bomb there devalue her and I discarded her emotionally, right?

I still physically trying to be with her about they had discarded her emotionally, which is still not good.

Everybody gets emotionally discarded, you know what I mean?

So I just like I was still doing the psycho narcissistic abuse, being toxic, even though I was 18/19/2021 years old, even though I was super young.

So I started a very young age again because I didn't know how to talk to women.

I didn't know how to have a healthy happy relationship.

But also I just didn't know.

I just don't like still to this day, I don't know.

I know now I'm being married for 14 years.

I've been married for 14 years, together for 14 years.

Like, hey, I've been riding.

I know.

I know what I'm doing now, but it's a learning process.

When I first got into the relationship, I didn't know I was being toxic.

My friends were talking to other girls even though they had girlfriends, so I thought it was okay.

I didn't think it was okay.

I just wanted to fit in, right?

I knew it wasn't okay.

I feel weird doing it, but I just wanted to fit in, you know?

So I just like in that part of it.

That's really is part of how I got to this point right now.

Who I am like building.

It's like I feel like I had to build myself up brick by brick to get to this point of where I am at right now.

My healing, my, my healing and my growth.

The journey, seriously, it's just like I had to go through that pain.

I had to go through the hurt.

I had to go through that betrayal.

Even though I did take that out on women between between that relationship and when I met my wife, I didn't take that anger and that frustration out on a lot of the women then I did meet in between that point because I was, I felt betrayed.

I didn't trust women no more.

Again, because I didn't trust myself, I took, I didn't give my all to their first relationship.

I was at first, but then once I got a job and once like life started moving and I realized that like this ain't how it's supposed to go.

Life is good.

Life has got to be different.

He and me, I just like we were not equally yoked, right?

We just were not like I, like I said, I have no idea what she's doing nowadays.

Haven't talked to her in 20 years, whatever, however long it's been, but I hope she's doing well.

I really do hope she's doing well.

I hope her and her husband are happy over there.

Some kids running around might wait.

We might be old enough to be grandpa, my grandparents now.

No, but for real, man, that's part of it.

So I hope you all enjoyed this story.

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You want to tell you a story kind of how I'm telling mine?

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Peace.