[SPEAKER_00]: R-O-C-D experience intrusive, repetitive thoughts about their partner, or a relationship, or a person they're dating, or even one fucking date.

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[SPEAKER_00]: Today we are talking about...

relationship OCD.

[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, I love this subject, because this is what I deal with a lot.

[SPEAKER_00]: People that are rumanating, [SPEAKER_00]: and rumenating about relationships.

[SPEAKER_00]: And they don't talk about this, but that is relationship OCD.

[SPEAKER_00]: Am I in the right relationship?

[SPEAKER_00]: Is this the right person?

[SPEAKER_00]: Is this my soulmate?

[SPEAKER_00]: What does this mean?

[SPEAKER_00]: What do they mean?

[SPEAKER_00]: What do they say?

[SPEAKER_00]: Oh my god.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's like, oh.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, and these thoughts plague people over and over again about the relationship they are in or the person they are dating.

[SPEAKER_00]: And if it keeps going on over and over and over and over again, I go, okay, you might have relationship OCD, compulsive disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder that has latched onto attachment issues, relationship OCD, which is a thing.

[SPEAKER_00]: So let's talk about it.

[SPEAKER_00]: Let's give you the definition.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's obsessive compulsive disorder that focuses on doubt.

[SPEAKER_00]: an anxiety around romantic relationships, individuals with our OCD experience, intrusive, repetitive thoughts about their partner, or a relationship, or a person they're dating, or even one fucking date, that's like limerant style, leading to compulsive behaviors, and they, they rumenate on these, and they think it's gonna, [SPEAKER_00]: Reduce their anxiety with these thoughts which it doesn't, and here are the key characteristics of our OCD.

[SPEAKER_00]: And truth that thoughts, thoughts that are about the partners' flaws, is this the right person [SPEAKER_00]: And it really like the individuals own feelings about love and attraction.

[SPEAKER_00]: Like the rightness of the person is attached to the own like if I was having relationship OCD is my partner right.

[SPEAKER_00]: and I then attach it to my feelings.

[SPEAKER_00]: What do I feel about love and attractiveness?

[SPEAKER_00]: Compulsive behavior, so to alleviate my anxiety, if I'm the one with relationship OCD, I repeatedly seek reassurance from my partner.

[SPEAKER_00]: comparing my relationship to other's relationships, analyzing past interactions, or I avoid milestones.

[SPEAKER_00]: There's all these things.

[SPEAKER_00]: I focus on relationship, focus on partners, focus focus focus and it's exhausting.

[SPEAKER_00]: Then I go into significant and negative impact of daily life and it affects the relationship and constantly look at my feelings, all the time, feelings, all the time.

[SPEAKER_00]: And it's not just relationship anxiety.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's obsession.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's relentless obsession.

[SPEAKER_00]: So let's look at this.

[SPEAKER_00]: Future tripping, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: So that lies on the spectrum of just anxiety and severe anxiety.

[SPEAKER_00]: This is relentless obsession and doubting the relationship for no reason when nothing is going on.

[SPEAKER_00]: The then relationship OCD is compulsive behaviors following the obsession, picking fights, constant texting, following through like actions afterwards.

[SPEAKER_00]: The relationship anxiety is just anxiety.

[SPEAKER_00]: There's no behaviors that follow it.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's just stays in your head.

[SPEAKER_00]: So relationship OCD, the actions follow afterwards.

[SPEAKER_00]: So, and then with relationship OCD, the obsession and compulsion keeps happening.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's persistent, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: The relationship anxiety, it adds and flows.

[SPEAKER_00]: It just adds and flows in an off-impasse.

[SPEAKER_00]: The similarities of those two things is exhausting.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's emotionally draining.

[SPEAKER_00]: You have low self confidence.

[SPEAKER_00]: It shows your insecurity.

[SPEAKER_00]: There's so many doubts in the relationship.

[SPEAKER_00]: Those are similar from anxiety and OCD of relationships.

[SPEAKER_00]: but the patterns, the behaviors afterwards.

[SPEAKER_00]: And these symptoms are horrific for the other person because, as almost like the other person, cannot do right by it.

[SPEAKER_00]: So let's go through.

[SPEAKER_00]: Ruminating about your partner's flaws or potential issues of the future.

[SPEAKER_00]: That's number one.

[SPEAKER_00]: Number two, obsessively comparing your relationships [SPEAKER_00]: to other people's relationships.

[SPEAKER_00]: So you'll see, I have one couple I work with that.

[SPEAKER_00]: They're all going, oh, they do those things together.

[SPEAKER_00]: Oh, this fall, like a pick on that person's body part or that little thing that's happening.

[SPEAKER_00]: There's very strong feelings or urges of distress about doubt.

[SPEAKER_00]: I have one person that keeps going, are you sure?

[SPEAKER_00]: He's the right one and I'm like, [SPEAKER_00]: relax relax if there's an issue and you mention it to him right if you mention it to him and he pivots [SPEAKER_00]: That's a good thing because everybody's a flawed human being.

[SPEAKER_00]: And if a father's you and he pivot, then that's a good sign that he's willing to work on things that bother you.

[SPEAKER_00]: And then you let it go.

[SPEAKER_00]: Obsessibly worried about someone cheating or finding another person attractive.

[SPEAKER_00]: That's a huge relationship OCD.

[SPEAKER_00]: If you are jealous or worried about your partner finding someone else attractive, wanting to be perfect, [SPEAKER_00]: about yourself, perfect about your partner's feelings, always having perfect thoughts about yourself or your partner's feelings.

[SPEAKER_00]: I have to feel this way, have to be this way, have to emotionally feel this way.

[SPEAKER_00]: And it's like feelings are like all over the place.

[SPEAKER_00]: And that's why when I work with partners, I always have them do the feelings wheel, which they fucking hate, all of them most of them hate.

[SPEAKER_00]: Some of them are starting to like it, but most of them hate it.

[SPEAKER_00]: They feel like children.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm like, because you didn't do feelings wheel has children.

[SPEAKER_00]: So let's do it now.

[SPEAKER_00]: Intense worry about falling at a love with your partner are your partner not being the one.

[SPEAKER_00]: Okay, this is a big deal for me.

[SPEAKER_00]: Your partner is not the one.

[SPEAKER_00]: There is no such thing as the one.

[SPEAKER_00]: There are many people on this planet that you could be good partners with.

[SPEAKER_00]: There is no one.

[SPEAKER_00]: So whenever I work with someone and they're like, they are the one.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, they are not the one.

[SPEAKER_00]: There is no such thing as the one.

[SPEAKER_00]: So you don't need to worry about that.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's more as, would they make a great partner?

[SPEAKER_00]: Would they have be good at financial conversations?

[SPEAKER_00]: Would they be a good person to go on trips with, to grow with?

[SPEAKER_00]: Do they evolve?

[SPEAKER_00]: Do they pivot when there's a problem?

[SPEAKER_00]: Can they talk through emotions and feeling?

[SPEAKER_00]: Do they, are they good at the hard conversations?

[SPEAKER_00]: Do they want to grow?

[SPEAKER_00]: Do they want to learn new things?

[SPEAKER_00]: Do you have the same trajectory for the future?

[SPEAKER_00]: Not do you like the same stuff?

[SPEAKER_00]: Because you're not going to like the same stuff as your partner.

[SPEAKER_00]: Are you autonomy two different people do you have separate lives and then you bring them together at certain points like these are the important things not Falling in out of love do you work on the five types of intimacy these certain things?

[SPEAKER_00]: Overwhelming time consuming worry about the state of your relationship and your compatibility and your attractiveness to your partner [SPEAKER_00]: If I hear about, I don't feel the intensity of what I felt at the beginning.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm like, you're not supposed to.

[SPEAKER_00]: That's not even possible.

[SPEAKER_00]: Nobody feels that as the beginning at the end.

[SPEAKER_00]: So that's not even possible.

[SPEAKER_00]: So it's this unrealistic expectation with relationship OCD that you're supposed to feel a certain way all the time in the relationship.

[SPEAKER_00]: needing frequent reassurance, worries resurface, morphus, and to new ones, and then you need more reassurance.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's like constant reassurance with relationship OCD.

[SPEAKER_00]: And so these things literally builds and builds and builds in it.

[SPEAKER_00]: There feels like there's no surrendering the rumination [SPEAKER_00]: relationship worry and it feels like the person is on a hamster wheel of bobbing and weaving with their partner.

[SPEAKER_00]: Like I said, and they need to spend excessive time having long conversations [SPEAKER_00]: analyzing past conversations, talking about things that happen on social media or with their friends.

[SPEAKER_00]: They avoid intimacy sometimes.

[SPEAKER_00]: They fixate on each other's flaws.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's just like that will wear on the relationships.

[SPEAKER_00]: So if you're in a relationship right now or newly dating somebody, [SPEAKER_00]: And you find yourself going, is this the one, is this the one, is this the one?

[SPEAKER_00]: I want you to look up relationship OCD and maybe take a quiz because I think there is one quiz online that you can look.

[SPEAKER_00]: So here are some of the questions you can even take the quiz right now.

[SPEAKER_00]: So I'm going to give it to you.

[SPEAKER_00]: Here we go.

[SPEAKER_00]: What if my spouse can do better?

[SPEAKER_00]: Is he or she or are they the right ones?

[SPEAKER_00]: What if we aren't compatible anymore or enough?

[SPEAKER_00]: Consonally assessing my attractiveness to them.

[SPEAKER_00]: How do I know he or she truly loves me?

[SPEAKER_00]: Intrusive images of my thoughts with another person, constantly thinking they're going to break up with me.

[SPEAKER_00]: If I'm committed, can I change?

[SPEAKER_00]: Can I never change my mind?

[SPEAKER_00]: Do I have to stay with this person forever?

[SPEAKER_00]: Those are some of the thoughts if you're having.

[SPEAKER_00]: Am I the right person?

[SPEAKER_00]: Am I with the right person?

[SPEAKER_00]: Should I feel happier than I am right now in this relationship?

[SPEAKER_00]: Is this what the relationship was supposed to be like?

[SPEAKER_00]: Is this relationship the best that I can do?

[SPEAKER_00]: Am I just settling?

[SPEAKER_00]: How do I know?

[SPEAKER_00]: Is this the one?

[SPEAKER_00]: How do I?

[SPEAKER_00]: These are the thoughts that relationship OCD people have.

[SPEAKER_00]: So if you're having any of these thoughts right now, I mean, you should be thinking is this a great relationship for me?

[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: You should be thinking that the difference between is this the wrong relationship?

[SPEAKER_00]: You shouldn't be, this shouldn't be taking up hours of your day.

[SPEAKER_00]: If excessive thoughts about your relationship is taking up one or more hours a day, that's not normal.

[SPEAKER_00]: That's relationship OCD.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's the amount of time that you are thinking.

[SPEAKER_00]: Normal relationships don't take up an hour more of your time every day thinking about it and taking over daily functioning.

[SPEAKER_00]: So if you're laying in bed, [SPEAKER_00]: or at work, and your mind is thinking about your relationship.

[SPEAKER_00]: That's relationship OCD.

[SPEAKER_00]: Now, if it is showing bad signs of a bad relationship, then you should probably get out.

[SPEAKER_00]: If you're not filling fulfilled in your relationship, then you should probably get out of the relationship.

[SPEAKER_00]: But what I'm saying is, just because you are feeling bored, [SPEAKER_00]: Doesn't mean it's the wrong relationship.

[SPEAKER_00]: You just might be addicted to toxicity and the roller coasters.

[SPEAKER_00]: So here's signs that it is the relationship OCD and not the wrong.

[SPEAKER_00]: You have to use your imagination to create issues.

[SPEAKER_00]: So you might be trying to create issues when issues aren't there.

[SPEAKER_00]: Your concerns didn't originate inside the relationship.

[SPEAKER_00]: They originated inside of your new gen, your head.

[SPEAKER_00]: The relationship problem seemed bigger when you were alone.

[SPEAKER_00]: So when you're with the person, there's no problems.

[SPEAKER_00]: Doesn't feel like nothing's happening.

[SPEAKER_00]: When you're alone, that's when the insanity starts.

[SPEAKER_00]: That's when the crazy making happens, because you can't be alone.

[SPEAKER_00]: That's the problem.

[SPEAKER_00]: So you start going, Kuku, for Koko Pups in your head.

[SPEAKER_00]: And all those thoughts sounds like, what if I'm not good enough?

[SPEAKER_00]: What if my partner is not good enough?

[SPEAKER_00]: What if there are meant to be with someone else?

[SPEAKER_00]: What if I'm meant to be with someone else?

[SPEAKER_00]: Am I even attracted to this person?

[SPEAKER_00]: What about my ex?

[SPEAKER_00]: What about their ex?

[SPEAKER_00]: Are they still obsessed with them?

[SPEAKER_00]: Those thoughts start happening when you're away from them.

[SPEAKER_00]: So how do I cope?

[SPEAKER_00]: How do we cope with these issues?

[SPEAKER_00]: Refocus your attention on something in the present.

[SPEAKER_00]: Get present in your life.

[SPEAKER_00]: Avoid acting on these compulsive behaviors.

[SPEAKER_00]: Don't fucking text.

[SPEAKER_00]: Don't make the call.

[SPEAKER_00]: Go do something, ground yourself.

[SPEAKER_00]: Go put your feet in some grass.

[SPEAKER_00]: Get grounded.

[SPEAKER_00]: Go in nature.

[SPEAKER_00]: Get grounded.

[SPEAKER_00]: Be more present during quality time with your person.

[SPEAKER_00]: Get more quality time.

[SPEAKER_00]: Maybe not Symphony of a TV.

[SPEAKER_00]: That's not quality time.

[SPEAKER_00]: That's the most false intimacy watching a movie watching a show.

[SPEAKER_00]: So do some things that are actually intimate.

[SPEAKER_00]: Started daily gratitude habit.

[SPEAKER_00]: I like to do three things that I'm grateful for at the end of the day.

[SPEAKER_00]: So you go to bed with three best things that happen in the day.

[SPEAKER_00]: And it can be small things.

[SPEAKER_00]: Identify and accept the worst case scenario.

[SPEAKER_00]: I don't know, sometimes I'll be like, well, what's the worst thing that I can happen with Mark and I?

[SPEAKER_00]: We've been together for twenty years and nothing bad.

[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, we've had the worst of the worst happen with us.

[SPEAKER_00]: Use journaling to brain dump a trusive thoughts.

[SPEAKER_00]: I do that free form writing.

[SPEAKER_00]: Literally, don't even look at your journal.

[SPEAKER_00]: Don't re-regernals by the way.

[SPEAKER_00]: That's the worst idea.

[SPEAKER_00]: Brain dump just, right, right, right, just free form.

[SPEAKER_00]: I say it's like, aggressive writing, right, really fast.

[SPEAKER_00]: Take your relationship one day at a time.

[SPEAKER_00]: Don't future trip.

[SPEAKER_00]: Don't put any pressure on any relationship in your life.

[SPEAKER_00]: People come in and out of your life and flow.

[SPEAKER_00]: Celebrate personal differences.

[SPEAKER_00]: Economy are two different people.

[SPEAKER_00]: Listen, you are in partnership.

[SPEAKER_00]: Partnership, two different people.

[SPEAKER_00]: Avoid pulling someone else into your spiral.

[SPEAKER_00]: Do not call someone and bring someone into your insanity.

[SPEAKER_00]: Go outside, ground yourself.

[SPEAKER_00]: And how to deal, talk to a therapist that specializes with OCD and relationship OCD.

[SPEAKER_00]: Get your partner involved, just say, hey, I'm dealing with this.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm ruminating, I'm gonna go deal with this.

[SPEAKER_00]: So they're aware, maintain honest and open communication.

[SPEAKER_00]: So they understand, find a support group, look, because it's not good.

[SPEAKER_00]: Journal of your thoughts.

[SPEAKER_00]: Like I said, and that's how you do it on a daily basis.

[SPEAKER_00]: Because you don't want to take relationship OCD in this relationship.

[SPEAKER_00]: And if you get out of this relationship and get into another one, you bring this shit with you.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's not about this person.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's about you.

[SPEAKER_00]: This is an inside situation.

[SPEAKER_00]: So work on your shit.

[SPEAKER_00]: So you don't bring it to somebody else.

[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for listening to secret life podcasts.

[SPEAKER_00]: I hope you enjoyed this episode.

[SPEAKER_00]: I hope it helps you not carry your baggage into your relationships.

[SPEAKER_00]: Send me what you want me to talk about secret life podcasts to iCloud.com.

[SPEAKER_00]: Until next time.

[SPEAKER_00]: Thanks again for listening to the show.

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[SPEAKER_00]: See you soon.