[SPEAKER_00]: The most significant red flag with this type of pattern is where the pertinent words do not align with the action.

[SPEAKER_00]: They're saying beautiful things, but then they're not doing those things.

[SPEAKER_00]: They might talk endlessly about future plans, but it never takes a concrete step to make it happen.

[SPEAKER_00]: Did that bathroom get built?

[SPEAKER_00]: And the HOOL!

[SPEAKER_00]: Welcome to the secret life podcast.

[SPEAKER_00]: Tell me your secret.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'll tell you mine.

[SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to reach the light.

[SPEAKER_00]: That's what I did.

[SPEAKER_00]: After 12 years of recovery in sex, a love addiction, I finally found my soulmate, myself.

[SPEAKER_00]: Please join me in my novel, Seeker Life of a Hollywood Sex and Love addict.

[SPEAKER_00]: A four-time bestseller on Amazon.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's a brutal, honest, raw, gnarly ride, but hilarious at the same time.

[SPEAKER_00]: Check it out now on Amazon.

[SPEAKER_00]: Welcome to Seeker Life podcast, I'm Briand Davis Gantt.

[SPEAKER_00]: Today I'm pulling back the curtains of all kinds of human secrets.

[SPEAKER_00]: We'll hear about what people are hiding from themselves or others.

[SPEAKER_00]: You know, those deep dark secret you probably won't take to your grave or those light or funnier secrets that are just plain and bare-a-seen.

[SPEAKER_00]: Join me each week as we take a deep dive into one subject matter.

[SPEAKER_00]: Exploring the how-what-when-where, and why that all.

[SPEAKER_00]: Get ready for a more focused, more revealing journey of the human experience.

[SPEAKER_00]: This is Secret Life and I'm excited for you to join the ride.

[SPEAKER_00]: Today we are talking about...

[SPEAKER_00]: don't don't don't future faking yes it's a it's a new love bombing concept called future faking it's where a manipulative tactic is used in a toxic relationship where a person makes these grand [SPEAKER_00]: false promises about sharing future that helps control the partner in the present.

[SPEAKER_00]: So they talk about the future to control the partner in the present and it's designed to create a fall sense of hope and security in keeping the victim emotionally invested in compliance.

[SPEAKER_00]: Yes, a lot of married men, married women will future fake with their partners even and say, I'm going to do this.

[SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to build this for you.

[SPEAKER_00]: We're going to go on this trip because they want to please their partner or act like they're pleasing their partner in the present to have control over them.

[SPEAKER_00]: Like I was planning this big thing.

[SPEAKER_00]: We're going to do this together.

[SPEAKER_00]: That that I'm going to create the most beautiful bathroom with the most beautiful tub because they want [SPEAKER_00]: the emotions of the victim that they're future faking with.

[SPEAKER_00]: And this happens in dating, you know, a form of love bombing when someone's like, you're my dream partner.

[SPEAKER_00]: I want to marry you and have kids with you.

[SPEAKER_00]: I mean, that can happen on the second date sometimes.

[SPEAKER_00]: So, [SPEAKER_00]: even the first date with one of my clients.

[SPEAKER_00]: So this happens all the time, but a main person that uses future, faking can be a significant partner you've been with for a long time.

[SPEAKER_00]: Where they say it's gonna change in the future, it's gonna be better in the future.

[SPEAKER_00]: So here are the key characteristics, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: Words versus actions.

[SPEAKER_00]: The most significant red flag with this type of pattern is where the partner's words do not align with the action.

[SPEAKER_00]: They're saying beautiful things, but then they're not doing those things.

[SPEAKER_00]: They might talk endlessly about future plans, but it never takes a concrete step to make it happen.

[SPEAKER_00]: Did that bathroom get built?

[SPEAKER_00]: And who?

[SPEAKER_00]: That is future faking.

[SPEAKER_00]: did they take you on that trip?

[SPEAKER_00]: No, that is future faking.

[SPEAKER_00]: Did they change any of their behaviors to go towards that action?

[SPEAKER_00]: And no, future faking.

[SPEAKER_00]: It is manipulation and control.

[SPEAKER_00]: The primary goal is not to build that future.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's not to, it's a fantasy, it's a negative fantasy.

[SPEAKER_00]: But it's to gain power and control over the other person, like I will buy this house, but I will build you that beautiful bathroom and that never happens.

[SPEAKER_00]: So that the victim, the other person will go, okay, fine, I'll buy that, we'll get that house within and ever happens.

[SPEAKER_00]: So it's to get attention, trust, compliance, see, in the moment, it's lying.

[SPEAKER_00]: and it's the emotional hook that happens to the victim.

[SPEAKER_00]: The fuser-faking literally makes the person's hopes and desires feel like they're going to become true.

[SPEAKER_00]: That is this cycle of promises and then so there's the promise then holding the hope and then the disappointment that makes it very difficult to leave.

[SPEAKER_00]: And they usually go on that cycle.

[SPEAKER_00]: Here's the promise.

[SPEAKER_00]: I will, this bathroom will happen.

[SPEAKER_00]: That trip will happen.

[SPEAKER_00]: We'll get that, that, that, that, that, that, buy you that new car when this will happen.

[SPEAKER_00]: And you won't have to deal with this car anymore.

[SPEAKER_00]: And then the hope you're waiting and waiting and waiting and then the disappointment.

[SPEAKER_00]: And then it starts all over again.

[SPEAKER_00]: And this is really, future-faking is really linked to narcissism and love bombing.

[SPEAKER_00]: So this behavior is associated with abuse and narcissistic abuse and can appear as love bombing stage.

[SPEAKER_00]: But it happens a pattern throughout the entire relationship.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's where there's excessive affection, grand gesture to build that intensity and hold on to that false bond.

[SPEAKER_00]: of hope.

[SPEAKER_00]: Common examples.

[SPEAKER_00]: I gave you the bathroom.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's a house, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: If you're dating someone and they say, oh, we're going to get engaged soon.

[SPEAKER_00]: Or get a house soon.

[SPEAKER_00]: Or it's like that next step in the relationship.

[SPEAKER_00]: We will move in together.

[SPEAKER_00]: We will buy house.

[SPEAKER_00]: We will decorate our dream house.

[SPEAKER_00]: You will get that bathtub making a shoe suffrage, shoe suffrage, excuse.

[SPEAKER_00]: When [SPEAKER_00]: save money and find an apartment they will go but we'll get this they don't want to usually change they want to stay in the apartment they want to just save money and they're just building this false sense I hope traveling like I said the dream vacation looking up destinations even flight sometimes but then canceling at the last minute [SPEAKER_00]: avoiding setting specific dates.

[SPEAKER_00]: That is what future faking is about.

[SPEAKER_00]: Major life events, marriage babies, giving baby names early in the relationship, and then constantly putting off the engagement, constantly discussing family plans for a later period of time when the relationship needs to become more serious.

[SPEAKER_00]: We'll actually do that when it becomes more serious, even though you're probably past the stage.

[SPEAKER_00]: Addressing complex using a new exciting future promise deflects from the problem that's happening right now.

[SPEAKER_00]: And it's like bypassing the present.

[SPEAKER_00]: Let's just talk about the future.

[SPEAKER_00]: Let's pass the present.

[SPEAKER_00]: It's hard sometimes to identify these because when you're with someone the long time you want these things to become true.

[SPEAKER_00]: So let me give you some pure lines that future faking is all about.

[SPEAKER_00]: It sounds like this.

[SPEAKER_00]: We'll move in together next year, but they never bring it up again.

[SPEAKER_00]: Let's say for that big trip together, but they never follow through.

[SPEAKER_00]: They usually spend their money on something out.

[SPEAKER_00]: So there's never like the buildup of that dream vacation.

[SPEAKER_00]: I've been thinking about proposing.

[SPEAKER_00]: That's a big one.

[SPEAKER_00]: But there's no ring, no timeline, no set of real, like, oh, we'll get, in April, I'll propose in April.

[SPEAKER_00]: There's none of that.

[SPEAKER_00]: I wanna start a family with you some day.

[SPEAKER_00]: They wanna, and not discuss it now, some day, they'll add.

[SPEAKER_00]: We'll celebrate our anniversary somewhere special, but then makes no plans to celebrate.

[SPEAKER_00]: on the day doesn't even give you flowers.

[SPEAKER_00]: Lastly, I want us to grow old together, but the action shows there's little commitment.

[SPEAKER_00]: So a lot of people that do the future faking make those kind of statements.

[SPEAKER_00]: So how do you recognize it, right?

[SPEAKER_00]: If it's the false promise about the future with no intention of falling through, there's unintentional over promising from excitement and then there's purposeful manipulation to keep someone hooked.

[SPEAKER_00]: If it happens and you point it out and then they stop doing it, that's unintentional.

[SPEAKER_00]: Sometimes that happens.

[SPEAKER_00]: Purposeful?

[SPEAKER_00]: They use this tactic over and over again.

[SPEAKER_00]: And there's a bunch of warning signs.

[SPEAKER_00]: You get your hopes up.

[SPEAKER_00]: Then you feel disappointment.

[SPEAKER_00]: Your partner promises things, but takes no action.

[SPEAKER_00]: Promises are too good to be true and free of your promises of feel appear when you are concerned about something.

[SPEAKER_00]: Those are the big red flags.

[SPEAKER_00]: vague timelines, no follow through and dismissive response when you bring it up.

[SPEAKER_00]: Now how do you respond to future faking?

[SPEAKER_00]: You come unicate.

[SPEAKER_00]: They might not like it.

[SPEAKER_00]: They might not want to talk about it, but you communicate.

[SPEAKER_00]: you address the pattern.

[SPEAKER_00]: Hey, I've seen this pattern.

[SPEAKER_00]: You make plans, but it never happens.

[SPEAKER_00]: You talk about doing things, but it never happens.

[SPEAKER_00]: I actually want to start doing this.

[SPEAKER_00]: You express your feelings, sharing how it's impacting you without blaming them, because if you blame them, they will immediately [SPEAKER_00]: get defensive so you have to say things like this is how it's making me feel that you say we're going to get engaged you say we're going to move in together you say you're going to get that bathtub in the new bathroom and it hasn't happened and dot dot dot and you keep saying this but it's not happening as for understanding what is happening here what is going on with you?

[SPEAKER_00]: How are you really feeling then set a boundary agree on a commitment timeline if that bathroom needs to get built it's going to be built by December and this is what's going to happen.

[SPEAKER_00]: If we're going on that trip, when are we going and you start making those plans?

[SPEAKER_00]: If no change gets support, bring in a counselor, bring in a specialist, bring in a relationship expert, bring in a therapist, a couple of his coach, or look at is this the relationship you want to be in?

[SPEAKER_00]: Truly, is a pattern so deep, it's not being changed for 10 years, 17 years, 36 years.

[SPEAKER_00]: So focus on the action, no words.

[SPEAKER_00]: Pay attention to whether your partner's behavior is consistently followed through with promises, because a healthy partner has consistent actions.

[SPEAKER_00]: Set your boundaries, communicate your needs and your boundaries early on.

[SPEAKER_00]: If your partner gets angry, guilty or new promises happen, that is a clear red flag they might not be a partner for you.

[SPEAKER_00]: Ask for details.

[SPEAKER_00]: If a plan comes up, ask for specific details and timelines.

[SPEAKER_00]: be genuine with your partnership discuss is this a concrete plan.

[SPEAKER_00]: because a future faker will likely dismiss you and be vague.

[SPEAKER_00]: So try to get set details.

[SPEAKER_00]: And lastly, seek support, like I said, most important.

[SPEAKER_00]: You cannot handle someone that has been doing this probably for a long time and with other people.

[SPEAKER_00]: And you have to say, this doesn't work for me anymore.

[SPEAKER_00]: You are never falling through with your actions.

[SPEAKER_00]: And there's always an excuse.

[SPEAKER_00]: And I'm not going to keep with this pattern.

[SPEAKER_00]: And if I'm having our argument, I don't want future plans to be brought up.

[SPEAKER_00]: because a vacation doesn't fix this moment.

[SPEAKER_00]: A house doesn't fix this moment.

[SPEAKER_00]: A ring doesn't fix this moment.

[SPEAKER_00]: You not following through with actions is a problem for me, and I don't want to keep with this pattern anymore.

[SPEAKER_00]: Because future flakers will keep doing it over and over again until you call them out on it in a non-aggressive way.

[SPEAKER_00]: I hope this helps with any future fakers, whether it's friends, romantic partners, your husband, your wife, whoever you are with, do not allow someone to use the future as a promise to watch Shitty in today.

[SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for listening to Secret Life podcast.

[SPEAKER_00]: I hope you enjoyed this episode send me your thoughts at secretlifepodcast at iCloud.com.

[SPEAKER_00]: Until next time, [SPEAKER_00]: Thanks again for listening to the show.

[SPEAKER_00]: Please subscribe, rate, share, or send me a note at secretlifepodcast.com.

[SPEAKER_00]: And if you like to check out my book, head over to secretlifenovel.com or Amazon to pick up a copy for yourself or someone you love.

[SPEAKER_00]: Thanks again.

[SPEAKER_00]: See you soon.