Heather Shannon (00:01.058)

Hello, hello, my friends. We're gonna talk today about the importance of feeling wanted. We all want to feel wanted, sexually wanted and desired. It's just one of the best feelings, right? And I think it's one of the things that we can struggle with the most, one of the things that we can take the most personally, something that can also be confusing. I work with a lot of clients where they find their partner attractive.

They think they're good looking. They like spending time with them. And yet that sexual desire can still feel like it's missing. So we're going to get into, why is it important? What does it do for us when we do feel wanted? What does it do for us when we don't, when we're feeling kind of unwanted? What makes person A want person B? And

what could be missing in terms of either your desire for your partner or your partner's desire for you. And then I'm gonna encourage you to pick one thing to work on. But then we're also gonna look at from an internal family systems kind of parts work perspective, what parts of ours are being triggered and how do we start working with our own parts a little bit more. So I'm excited to get into all of that with you guys. Okay, so let's start at the beginning. What does it do for us?

when we feel wanted. And I think there's a lot of things here. And I think that's why this is such a core issue for so many of us. It can be such a sensitive spot that leads to people feeling angry or rejected or lacking self-esteem and competence. And it can impact people feeling the way they see themselves. So much, think, of what we get from all our relationships.

is someone else seeing us in a positive way, which helps us see ourselves in a positive way. So we get belonging, right? When somebody else is attracted to us, when they want us, crave us, desire us, it's like, my god, I'm so special. So we get that like special feeling. We get this feeling of like, this, okay, I'm kind of connected to this person. I'm chosen. That's that sense of belonging in some way. If, you know,

Heather Shannon (02:23.615)

if we're human, I was gonna say if we ever have insecurities. So I'm like, that's everyone. So if you're alive, then you probably have moments of feeling not good enough or like a failure. It doesn't matter how successful you are or how freaking gorgeous and sexy and handsome you are. We all have those moments of not feeling sexy or good enough or chosen. And so when someone else is like, yes, you are, you're like, ooh, this is good. Now I don't have to sit with this discomfort.

of some of my own thoughts about myself. And then it can also energize us. So I see this also with clients where when they're having sex more regularly with their partner, they're feeling chosen, they're feeling wanted, they're feeling motivated and energized as a result. So for some people, I think more than others, but for a large segment of people,

it like puts some pep in their step, you know? And I think some of that does come from the neurotransmitters and endorphins that are released from sex, like the literal chemicals in our body. And then I also feel like there's sort of that confidence boost that's like, ooh, yes, OK, I have like a good sex life going.

my partner does want me and I can like go out with a little more confidence in the world. So, and I think this could actually be a big part of our arousal pathway is like, when we think about like, what's it turned on for us, oftentimes it's feeling wanted by someone else, you know? And I think this is a big part of responsive desire. So you might not necessarily be in sex mode.

But if your partner or someone you're dating or whoever starts coming on to you, you might be like, ooh, that feels so good. Yes, I'm down for this. So sometimes we just need that as the catalyst. And I think that moment of feeling wanted and desired can be the turn on of itself. So I think that's why it's so important. Now on the flip side, what does it do to us when we're unwanted? And it's like,

Heather Shannon (04:45.227)

basically all the opposites of the good things we just said. And we're going to get to some of the solutions at the end. So stay for that. But part of what happens is we have these exiled parts. So I'm an internal family systems therapist and coach. And within internal family systems, we have our self energy, which is calm and confident and playful, very good at sex, all the qualities you would want. And we all have that. We all have that in us. And it's actually our essence and our nature.

and it gets blocked by basically our parts, which are aspects of the ego. So defense mechanism, protective parts. But then we also have this segment of parts called exiled parts. And those are the ones that are very vulnerable. Those are the ones that feel not good enough, that feel like a failure. And so when we're not feeling wanted by our partner, we might kind of have a story in our mind of like, I'm unattractive, I'm undesirable, I'm not good enough, something's wrong with me, I'm broken.

Right? And those are sad stories. So those stories tend to trigger the exiled parts. The exiled parts for all of us, I think this is so interesting that we're also similar in certain ways, are what I just said. The failure, not feeling good enough, feeling unlovable, feeling broken. Sometimes it's feeling too vulnerable. There could be a very sweet, innocent part that gets exiled because that part doesn't feel safe. It's like, hmm, this is putting me at a lot of risk. We can't have this part running amok.

So we then are sitting in that. We're sitting in this low self-esteem. It affects our behavior. When we're feeling unlovable, not good enough, and a failure, and unsexy, and unwanted, and broken, are we going to initiate a lot of sex? Probably not. We kind of take ourselves out of the game is how I view it.

So a lot of times we'll, we can get really victimy in these moments too. Um, where it's like, Oh, I'm just bad and broken or, my partner just doesn't want me here. You know, this is just like, woe is me a little bit. And when we're in that mode, which is, you know, it's human and I'm sure we've all been there, right? Um, it's also not where we want to live. We don't want to stay there forever. Uh, we want to like have the self-awareness to recognize when we're doing that. Um, so we're taking ourselves out of the game.

Heather Shannon (07:11.937)

And we're deflated and we're demotivated, right? So when we're feeling wanted, we're often motivated. When we're feeling unwanted, our exiled parts are triggered and we're kind of in this negative head space with our negative stories repeating. And when we're in that place, we don't have the confidence to take positive actions. And so then we become part of the cycle in our relationship, right? We might blame our partner, we might blame ourselves, it doesn't matter, but we're becoming part of the cycle by kind of not doing our part.

to foster a really healthy, loving, passionate, fun sexual connection. OK. So now let's get into what makes person A want person B. What creates desire? And how is desire a little bit different than just attraction? And so there's this equation, which I think I've mentioned it in one other episode.

by Dr. Jack Morin, who is a sex therapist also. He passed, but he wrote a great book called The Erotic Mind. And he talks about the equation for sexual desire being attraction plus obstacles. And so attraction, the way it's being defined here, is I literally think of it as like gravity. Like gravity is a form of attraction. It's like two objects are being pulled towards each other, right? So we are being pulled towards the earth.

The earth is very large and so it has a strong attraction. And so we also experience that with other people, with places, and it's not all sexual attraction, right? There's just people we're more drawn to. So when we think of attraction, it can be on a handful of different levels. It can be, I'm just attracted to someone's spirit. I'm attracted to their physical appearance. I'm attracted to nature. I like being in the outdoors.

It could be like, love traveling and I love going to San Francisco. I'm drawn to that city. So being attracted and being drawn to something are basically the same things in the way we're using it right now. When it comes to relationships, the typical reasons for attraction are familiarity. So if someone's like, I don't know, there's something familiar about them, right?

Heather Shannon (09:31.862)

You don't always know why at first, but I think sometimes we're picking up on subtle patterns. Like our intuition knows kind of before we know. And then the more we get to know someone, it might be like, we have similar family dynamics. Maybe we vibe with each other because there are certain similar patterns in our families that make us vibe with each other and create a sense of familiarity. Or it could be maybe you had a shared experience. Like I wound up making a really good friend

through an online podcast conference, and we had both gone to the same health coach school back in the day. And so the fact that we kind of had that orientation, we were both drawn to the same thing, it makes sense we would also be somewhat drawn to each other. So I think that there's that combination of familiarity, reciprocity. So that's kind of like what I said before, if someone else is attracted to you, then you tend to be more attracted to them.

And I think that's so interesting the way that works. And it's also a good reminder of why it's good to shoot your shot, right? Sometimes we kind of, again, psych ourselves out. But just knowing when you express your attraction, that actually often creates more attraction in the other person, which I think is so interesting, especially if there's already some familiarity or some of the other components of attraction. So I think that's cool.

and then proximity, there's, this is an interesting one, right? I think sometimes we, we don't want just convenience to be the main reason why we're connected to somebody, but there is a practicality in it. You know, like I have many great friends who live very far away and we talk when we can, but obviously I'm going to see the people who are closer to me geographically a lot more often.

So there is some practicality that we have to realize in the the research on friendships. It's like who's most likely to be friends the number one Indicator of that is how close you live together, right and before online dating Pretty much everyone would marry someone from the neighborhood. They grew up in which I think is so fascinating So like my parents generation for example That's that's how it worked And then also there's neurochemicals so

Heather Shannon (11:50.957)

There's some research out there on when you're going on dates, if you're doing novel things together, if you're kind of having new experiences, or if you're doing stuff that's kind of thrill seeking, you're more likely to build a strong bond with each other. And so there's something there with dopamine. So dopamine is kind of the reward chemical in our brain. It's associated with pleasure.

And so when you're doing something that's sort of a dopamine seeking thing, something that gives you that little mental boost, like, ooh, it could be anything from, you know, eating something delicious to going paddle boarding or bungee jumping or something like skydiving, you know, depends how adventurous you want to be. It's a spectrum, of course.

Heather Shannon (12:46.817)

But the point is to do something new and novel and kind of keep things interesting that way in your relationship. And then our pheromones and our evolution. And so this is also kind of speaking to your biology, your DNA, your health. This is where we get into like body proportions or the symmetry of your face or with reproduction. It's like if that's, I think whether or not that's something that

you're actually going to do, or even if that's biologically feasible for you, depending on your situation. I still think it's something that's a factor, where I think our genetics are kind of drawn to people who are complementary, which is cool. Our bodies are like supercomputers. I also would say culture and perceived social value are factors with attraction. just kind of understanding like, and culture can mean so many things. It can mean like,

where you were raised, or if maybe you're both immigrants, or maybe if you're from the same racial background or from the same neighborhood. So it's really whatever kind of culture means to you. But I do notice that the combination of familiarity and culture for sure can influence who we're attracted to. And so if we go live in a different country, you might notice you start being attracted to a different type of person in some way. And I think that's so fascinating.

And then perceived social value too. So it's like if someone else thinks that our partner is hot shit, then we may be like, yeah, they are. It could give us a little bit more boost because as much as we like to say, we don't care what anyone else thinks, we do. It's just factually correct, generally speaking. So reflecting on these factors, I want you guys to think about what

either is missing in your current connection in terms of your desire for your partner or their desire for you, or just what's one thing that you're like, okay, our desire is fine, but could we enhance it? What would be like make it even turbocharged or already good desire? And I think I mentioned this, but I feel like there's so many clients that I see where physically, aesthetically, they find their partner pleasing.

Heather Shannon (15:03.413)

and yet that desire piece is missing. And so then I think that's where we also have to go back and look at that obstacles piece of the equation, desire equals attraction plus obstacles. So we're looking both at the attraction piece and at the obstacles piece. So to kind of go back through that list of things that create attraction, can you create more reciprocity? Can you communicate your attraction to your partner more to build on that desire?

Can you do more dopamine boosting activities to boost the neurotransmitters? This is why I think the date night works really well. It tends to add some more familiarity and bonding time as well as the neurochemicals and the dopamine hits and just the novelty. The other piece that I would say is like working on our health, right? I think that can both increase our confidence as well as our health and kind of biology pheromones.

evolutionary, whatever benefits as a partner, perceived social value. And I think that applies to both mental health and physical health. And it doesn't mean wherever you're at that you're not good enough. You're always good enough. Your value as a human, always 100%. It doesn't matter if you quote unquote improve 18 million things about yourself. Your value as a human is still going to be equal. But you might have more fun. And you might have better quality relationships if you go on the personal growth path.

So yeah, what is it for you and your relationship? I also think that seeing our partner through someone else's eyes can be helpful, because when we get too familiar without the obstacles, this is, I guess, where the obstacles come in, it can just feel like boring. It can just feel kind of like, I don't know, you feel super close, like you feel like a family member, but I don't really feel like I want to have sex with you.

And that's where I think the dopamine, the novelty, the putting yourselves in different environments, flirting, anything that's kind of creating the neurotransmitters or the novelty is gonna be very important in the long run. I would also say in terms of things that could be missing, do you have something?

Heather Shannon (17:18.901)

in your life that's outside of your role as a worker or a partner or a parent. And most people honestly don't.

Heather Shannon (17:31.221)

I think that.

Heather Shannon (17:37.109)

I recently asked AI about what does a week in the life of a 40-something person in the US look like. And it was basically very, very little time for themselves. And I asked what portion of people have a hobby. And it was like maybe 25 to 30 % even have that. So I think it's so interesting when we ask people what their hobbies are and then assume that they have one when most people actually don't.

But yeah, it could be a book club. It could be reading on your own. It could be spending time in nature. You know, it doesn't have to be like a quote unquote hobby, like in a narrowly defined sense. But I think having something that's your own. So I know I had a friend where after giving birth, she was like, I don't know, I feel like I've lost myself. And I think her spending time with me and other friends on her own away from her role as worker parent mom was super helpful.

going to the gym and kind of feeling like she was kind of rebuilding her confidence and doing something for herself. That was really huge. So think about that too. What can you do on your own? Do you want to take a little trip? know, then you're also, that can be an obstacle in your relationship. Cause we want healthy obstacles, right? We're not trying to have like a toxic dynamic here. But a healthy obstacle could be like, I'm going to go take a trip with the guys or I'm going to go take a trip with whatever group of friends without your partner.

You take care of yourself, you know? But a little bit of that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It could be a little obstacle. So making yourself not 100 % fully available every moment of every day can actually be a good thing, right? It's like you're just being your own person. So I think that's important. And then creating that combination of the oxytocin through bonding and the familiarity and cuddles and affection and sweetness, and then also

the dopamine, brings in kind of the excitement layer. So my encouragement to you is to pick one thing to kind of build in or work on in your current situation. And then the last piece that I really want to drive home about this topic is working with your own exiled parts. Internal family systems is a pretty amazing, wonderful method. I just had a client this week. He had just his second session.

Heather Shannon (20:01.023)

and texted me this very cute Giphy that was like, just the word, had a breakthrough tonight. I was like, amazing breakthrough. But people can have breakthroughs very quickly when they do the work. He did all the homework in between session one and session two. He was super open-minded. And I think that the IFS is a very good fit. And so what's cool about IFS is you get to know yourself better as a human.

And it's also what we call in the therapy world, an internal locus of control. So it's kind of saying like, instead of life is coming at you and the external world is determining how you feel, it's flipping the script on that. think about it, if the external world is constantly telling us how we feel and determining that, we're just like being blown around in the wind with like no agency of our life. Like that sounds kind of terrible, right? So what I love about IFS,

is that we have that internal sense of control. So it's not about what's happening, it's about how we're responding to it. And that starts with our parts. And so when we have an exiled part that's triggered, typically we have protective parts that come in. And this is kind of why people fight about sex too. So people get triggered because maybe they're feeling unwanted, they're feeling rejected.

And then they get defensive and lash out. Maybe they blame their partner. And so that's their protective part, stepping up to try to help. They're trying to kind of preserve the ego. They're trying to feel OK. They're trying to stabilize. But then often that happens to the partner too. And they're like, well, why am I being attacked? This is like a two-way street. And then you can kind of be off to the races with the defensiveness and the argument kind of escalating.

or someone just shutting down and then not really talking about it or communicating about it at all. And then the other reason why I think parts work is so important is because if you're feeling the lack of confidence or rejection, you can actually soothe yourself. And by taking care of our own parts first, then we can go into the conversation already more balanced and have a really helpful, constructive conversation with our partner.

Heather Shannon (22:18.497)

And we can even explain the parts of us that get triggered and what triggers them. Because what really works in a long-term relationship is continuing to understand each other on a deeper level. And so doing this parts work really helps not only reducing conflicts, but reducing how often you're triggered and improving communication so you can actually improve your sex life. So yeah, so if you guys are curious about IFS, I'm happy to do a session with people

and just explain the method even. Doesn't have to be like a long-term commitment or anything, but it's a very, very cool method. I use it with myself all the time. And the idea is that we are our own internal parent, and these parts are almost like our children, right? That's why it's called internal family. So it's like, this is our internal family. And so we can figure out what does that part need that's feeling rejected, right?

Why is that part maybe gripping onto the story that you're not good enough? And it might be, well, there was something in childhood. It's often something in childhood. Or there was this pattern in my first sexual relationship that happened, or my first sexual experience was not good, or I had performance anxiety, or whatever it was. We can kind of figure out what caused this pattern that the part is continuing to perpetuate. And what is this part?

need or want in order to shift its role so that it's not continuing to interfere maybe with the intimacy you're trying to create. So I hope that makes sense. Again, some very, very cool method, very effective for a lot of people. And yeah, I hope that you guys got something from this episode and that a few of you will leave feeling more desired and creating that in your partnership. So.

Thanks everybody for listening and we'll catch you next week on another episode of Ask a Sex Therapist.