Heather Shannon (00:01.262)

Hello, my loves. We are back with a listener Q &A episode, Her Popular Demand. So a lot of you guys took the podcast survey a month or two ago and several people were like, bring back the listener Q &A episode. So we have four questions for you guys. We have a juicy one about using a strap-on for double penetration. We have one about

mismatch sex drives and flip-flopping sex drives and managing resentment and life stress. We have one about erection issues that are psychological and not physical and just some general performance anxiety that goes with that. And then we also have one that's kind of got a mix of things, but bottom line, the question was how do I get more of a sex drive to please my partner? So.

where you shall go through them one at a time. So the first one, so what is the term for when somebody uses a strap-on to do double penetration with their partner? So this is a good specific question, I like it. So I did a little research on this. There's not a specific term, right? So basically in order to do this, so this is assuming that the partner who's doing the penetrating has a penis, right? So if someone without a penis,

uses a dildo or a strap on to penetrate their partner, a male partner, then that's called pegging, right? But this would not be called pegging, technically. So, or maybe it could be, it's like half pegging. We can make up a term. If anyone has an idea that you'd like to popularize, let me know and then we'll start throwing the term around in future episodes.

So basically though, there's kind of mixed reviews on this practice in general. Several people online have commented that like, okay, we tried to do this double penetration and there are, you know, some toys or devices used for that, but a lot of people felt like a handheld toy instead of a strap on was going to be more effective. And so basically the toys that do exist for people that have a penis already,

Heather Shannon (02:14.798)

and one a second one, and one a second one are typically going around the shaft of the penis. So they'll usually have some sort of little cockering type attachment. And then the other part of it will go around the balls. And so that will kind of hold it in place. But as you can imagine, know, when you're thrusting and moving around, it's kind of hard. can't aim it. It's not part of your actual body. You probably have to use your hand anyways.

So there's mixed reviews. are some toys, I'm looking at the Love Honey website right now. There are some toys meant for this purpose that get really good reviews. One of them is like a vibrating cock ring that then has a thinner dildo to make it a little bit more comfortable for anal penetration. So I would say check out what's out there. I certainly think it's a fun idea. There's even one,

that has a vibrating cock ring that has almost like the little bunny ears, know, the rabbit vibrators where there's kind of the internal and the external clitoral stimulation. It's kind of got those little like rabbit ears for the clitoral stimulation plus a strap on for anal penetration. So try it. Let me know how it goes. Unfortunately, there is not an official name for it, but again.

the world is our oyster. So yeah, and I also wanna let people know that, you know, if you don't have a penis and you wanna do double penetration, they also have toys for that. So you can actually get a double dildo strap-on situation happening. There really are so many amazing sex toys and honestly lots of innovations in the sex toy arena. So if you've been...

You know, hey, like looking for something to spice things up, looking for a little novelty. Maybe you're just like, I don't know, vibrator's vibrator. Things have changed a lot in the last 10 years. So go to a sex toy store, look online and check some things out. If you're comfortable enough, I actually recommend going to a store because the people that work at the stores are so knowledgeable, you know? Like they know so many things. Like if I'm getting interviewed for a magazine article and it's about a specific type of toy.

Heather Shannon (04:38.454)

that I don't know a ton about, I will actually go to a sex toy store and talk to the people who sell them and test them out and work with the companies and know a lot about the brands just to make sure that I'm recommending good stuff. So do your research and use your resources. Okay, so now we're gonna get into a few more that are a little more psychological. So our second question is saying, my partner and I have been together for 15 years. Our sex drives have completely flipped.

At one point, you know, he had the higher drive. At another point, I had the higher drive and we actually really like each other. And so when we were having sex, it is enjoyable and we like get along outside the bedroom. But it's just this feeling that the spark isn't there anymore. So we both said things over the years that, you know, have hurt each other's feelings. And also sometimes life is just stressful. I know my partner isn't feeling very desired by me right now.

which has made them less interested as well. And also my orgasms aren't as intense as they used to be. So how do we get that spark back when we're having a good time, but we're just like not really feeling the sexy vibes like we used to. This is a common scenario, you know, where people, most of the people I work with, they like each other, you know, like.

Cause you kind of got to think if you're going to, if you're going to hire an intimacy coach, it's because you like the person enough to want to work on it, you know, which is a good sign. We need this as a foundation. So, so that's good that they have that going for them in this situation. And I, I actually think this is a really good example. There's a great book that I've mentioned before called, sexual intelligence by Marty Klein. It's the first sex therapy book I ever read way before I did my

official sexual health certificate program. And one of the things that really stuck with me from that book is the idea that everything changes, right? Like we kind of have this ridiculous romantic idea of what sex should be like. And it's kind of based on being single in your twenties, to be fully honest. You know, like you're just supposed to be like horny and like

Heather Shannon (07:03.48)

feel great about your body and have no other responsibilities and no other obstacles. And it's just so deeply unrealistic. So I like that these are people who have been together for a while. They've seen that life happens. Sex drives go up and down. I also have clients that they're like, I always used to have a high sex drive, but now I don't. And it's like this, and I've experienced that. I've experienced plenty of ups and downs with my sex drive.

And anyone who has a menstrual cycle typically experiences ups and downs throughout the month with their sex drive based on their cycle and their hormones changing. So I kind of want to normalize that. want to normalize the fluctuations. It's not weird. It doesn't mean anything is wrong with your relationship, but it is something to communicate about. And this is why it's important to keep communicating, right? We don't want to just talk about it.

and then table it and be like, well, it's solved. We shouldn't have to talk about it again. No, this is why communication is so important. It is ongoing, right? Because the change is constant. Now they also bring up a second issue here about basically resentment. You can't be in a relationship this long and not hurt each other's feelings, right? Any long-term relationship, people are gonna feel hurt. People are gonna feel disappointed, let down, betrayed.

all sorts of things, and that can be, that can make it difficult to wanna have sex with this person who just hurt you, right, or who's letting you down, especially if there's a pattern of that. So, this also points back to communication, where people need to learn how to resolve conflict, and sometimes I'll hear with couples that I'm working with that,

there's resentment lingering and one partner is annoyed about it. Like we've talked about this a million times. Like why do you keep bringing this up? And the reason is because it never actually got resolved. It's actually never been healed. So it's just this kind of festering wound that people are trying to sweep under the rug, which if you're a baby boomer, that's probably what you were taught growing up is like, well, just don't talk about it. Just move on. know, like don't make a big deal out of everything.

Heather Shannon (09:21.292)

True, we don't need to make a big deal out of every single little thing, but if this is something sticking with you, if this is something you would bring up to your coach or therapist, if this is something that's currently affecting your sex life, then you need to bring it up, right? So I think that that, like figuring out that discernment of when is something a big enough thing to bring up, those are good guideposts. If you would bring it up in a therapy session, if it's affecting your life today, then.

it's important to discuss. So doing some resolving work. This is where I was trained by the Gottman Institute in couples counseling and they're a research-based institute and they talk a lot about repair and so much of it is getting at the deeper layer. So like, what is the deeper layer of the hurt? So if it's like, you didn't take out the trash and I'm feeling really upset, you might be like,

Okay, it's the trash. Sorry I didn't do it a few times. Get over it. But really, what might be going on underneath that is I don't actually feel supported. I feel like I'm doing most of the things in the household. This feels like an uneven distribution of labor and I'm feeling resentful of that. I'm feeling generally not supported. So that's where we need to get is like...

okay, that makes more sense than just like a little incident of the garbage can. But we need to learn, like, how do we communicate that without attacking and how do we receive that without feeling attacked and getting defensive and then it turns into an argument, you know? And so I think all of us listening, including myself, can kind of practice, like, how can we receive feedback like that?

How can we allow ourselves to be imperfect and not make that mean that we suck? And that's something that I've been working on for years, and I'm sure we'll continue to in some regard. But just realizing that just because you were maybe part of a pattern that you can now see was dysfunctional or not serving you in some way, and not serving your partner, not serving your sex life, doesn't mean you suck. So take that in without taking it personally.

Heather Shannon (11:42.126)

And then you can kind of decide, okay, how can we redistribute things? What are some ways I can step it up? What are some ways my partner can step it up that don't feel too much? Can we outsource some of it? Sometimes people have more money than time and they're like, let's get a cleaning service. Let's pay one of our kids to do it. They can have an allowance for doing some tasks or errands or a neighborhood kid or somebody. So I think solving some of that stuff.

then kind of frees up the emotional space to be vulnerable during sex. And that's what so much of us need. And I know I talk about this in my Pathway to Passion episodes, but this is why my method, the Pathway to Passion, starts with emotional intimacy and creating that foundation because so many of the fun, sexy things kind of depend on us being able to manage our emotions and communicate well. Okay, let's get to the third question.

So this one says, I'm dealing with erection issues that are psychological. I know they're not physical because my doctor did confirm through testing. My partner and I have pretty opposite schedules, so that can make sex a little bit more difficult logistically. And my partner has also kind of communicated about how my ED is affecting their confidence negatively. And then that just kind of contributes to the cycle of my performance anxiety feeling.

worse. I have tried a few different forms of therapy before, but nothing has really stuck long term. What else can help when the usual things haven't worked? So I hear the frustration with this one and I get it. And I'm also going to remind you guys I have an early episode in the podcast called All About Erections that you can check out. But

This sounds like a pretty classic case of anxiety, right? So we know that there's some performance anxiety and combined with the erection issues. And what I hear from so many people with erectile dysfunction is that they care a lot. These are like the common factors. So they actually care a lot about their partner and about...

Heather Shannon (14:04.413)

kind of doing a good job in the bedroom. Otherwise they wouldn't be anxious about it, right? And I've said this before, I'm gonna keep saying it though. So I would say 90 % of the time at least, it's not about lack of attraction to the partner. So if you are a partner of somebody with erectile dysfunction, that's actually really important to keep in mind. And I think also asking your partner how you can support them if they're kind of dealing with this. Because some people,

might wanna be like, hey, let's just change to different types of sexual activities that don't require an erection. Other people might be like, I think let's just take a break so that it doesn't feel like pressure. So everyone's gonna be a little bit different. So understanding that there's no like one universal right or wrong way. And one of the other things that I find to be very, very helpful for people with erection issues is mindfulness. So as some of you guys know, I was a practicing Buddhist for 13 years.

and started teaching meditation towards the end of that. meditation of mindfulness is wonderful, right? It helps with so many areas. But what's happening, I'm gonna kinda go through two scenarios. We're gonna go the less mindful version and the more mindful version. So the less mindful version of erectile dysfunction might look like, okay, all right, I gotta like get it up. I hope I don't ruin it. Hopefully it's fine.

Oh, I can't control my thoughts. You know, like, I know these are the thoughts that are gonna make me lose my erection. Excuse me. It could be like, oh, my partner, my partner's gonna feel bad. They're gonna think it's their fault. Oh no, I'm ruining her whole sex life. What if this like ruins our whole relationship? Right? So it could just become a spiral. Sometimes we have the awareness. A lot of times I would say people with erectile dysfunction are pretty self-aware.

and they're noticing that the thoughts are spiraling, but then they feel like they can't stop it, and then they feel anxious they can't stop it, and it just kind of perpetuates until you get to kind of a panicky place. So what you want to do instead, the more mindful version would be, ooh, we're gonna have sex, okay, I hope my penis works, I hope the erection thing happens, oh, I hope I maintain it, oh, I'm noticing that that anxious part of me is there.

Heather Shannon (16:33.103)

how interesting. Hmm. It seems like that part, let me be curious about that part. okay. That part is trying to protect me. That part feels like my partner might leave me or we might be unhappy if this continues and this part really wants to kind of keep me safe and keep me having this great connection in my life. And now I will, as an aside.

Each part, each reason for anxiety is gonna be different. This is just one example, but we can be curious about it. That's the point. How can we be curious without judging it? And then it can also be like, you know what? I'm just gonna be present. And what happens happens, you know? Maybe my partner and I have discussed it beforehand and we agreed like, if I lose my erection, we're gonna pivot to oral sex and that's okay. So we kind of have a plan. The pressure is not only on my penis.

know, lesbians actually have more orgasms. There's no penises involved there typically. And yeah, so maybe we just, we focus on outer course a little bit more and maybe that even expands our sex life. So then you get into the mindfulness of the body. So that's kind of like what the mental side could look like a little bit. And then the body part could be like, ooh, like.

my mind is having an anxious thought. you know what? Let me just smell my partner's hair. I'm gonna be present with the smell. Okay, now I'm like, ooh, it's going pretty well. What if it doesn't keep going well? And then I could be like, okay, I'm just feeling the sensation of my penis in my partner's vagina or butt or mouth, wherever we're putting it.

I'm feeling the sensation and then it could be like, and my hands are on my partner and I feel the warmth of their skin. And then it could be like, anxious thought pops up again. And it could be like, okay, now I'm just focusing on how sexy my partner looks in this moment and just like taking in the visual. So basically what you're doing, it sounds weird. It's like a meditation. Because when we're meditating, we wanna be present with something and then our mind wanders and then we bring it back. And then our mind wanders and we bring it back.

Heather Shannon (18:53.901)

over and over and over again. And so it's the same thing when we're approaching sex. So it's like, okay, we're having sex, I get in my head, I have an anxious thought, and then I have the self-awareness, so I catch it, and then I'm like, okay, let's bring it back to the body. So we use our senses. So the meditation of sex is focusing on our senses. Meditation typically is focusing on breath. You can also bring that.

into a sexual experience, but I would encourage you to use your senses, any of your senses, doesn't matter which one. I would say lean into the ones that you feel most naturally drawn to. So if you're a visual person, lean into the visual. If you're a sensory touch person, lean into that, right? If you're a smell person, lean into that. So I hope that helps. I find that that's probably the most consistently effective approach that I use with my clients. Okay, and our last question.

Okay, so I've been with my partner for about 15 years and I'm the one who handles most of the household responsibilities. We've all cheated in the past, but we've gotten through that. However, our sex life is kind of non-existent at this point. Sex always feels like something that I need to do for my partner rather than something I'm necessarily into for myself. And my partner says things that are supposed to be like flirty or...

maybe even sexy, but they just make me uncomfortable sometimes because their idea of initiating is pretty crude. Like sometimes just literally telling me to take my clothes off while I'm like brushing my teeth or something. So they can be really reassuring and we do have great affectionate times and sometimes I feel like I can be vulnerable, but they have also said some hurtful things. So how do I actually get my sex drive back when I have zero interest in sex with my partner at this point?

So this is a scenario I've seen more than once. So it sounds like this person is feeling like they, and you can tell, I'm anonymizing the genders just to make it applicable to everyone. So this person is feeling like they're carrying more of the load, right? They're carrying more of the emotional labor, mental load in this relationship.

Heather Shannon (21:19.693)

They didn't say resentment, but it sounds like there's some resentment there. They're saying they've gotten over the cheating in the past, but I think that it's interesting it was still mentioned. So sometimes we partially get over things. Actually, a lot of times we partially get over things and there could be lingering layers that we can kind of keep working through. So I would encourage this person to least like look into that. And then I think this is kind of the key point here saying that

Sex has pretty consistently felt like something they're doing for the other person. And I see this a lot, with women, although it certainly can happen to anybody, that there's a sense of duty or obligation that they're kind of taking on as a responsibility. Like, okay, this is the thing I have to do to keep my relationship. And there's those terrible phrases out there that's like, you know,

What is it? It's like, if he can drink the milk, why buy the cow if he can drink the milk for free or like something like if you're not feeding your man, someone else has a sandwich. I'm probably butchering these. But the idea is like it kind of puts fear into place, know? Where it's like, you not be having sex out of fear. So I think that's something to look at. And then I also want to talk about, because I've actually seen this with some sex worker clients as well.

where sex is kind of more for like a transactional purpose or sex can be for validation, sex can be for money, sex can be to keep a partner. Like there's a lot of reasons where like none of them are because you want to, right? So that can take some consistency and some effort to deprogram that. And, okay.

I'm just fixing my video. So we wanna really be careful about it. So I would say step one is stop having sex for those reasons. So don't do it for your partner, don't do it for validation, but that's gonna take training yourself. That's gonna take catching yourself and pausing and asking yourself, why am I having sex right now? Or why am I starting to think about having sex right now?

Heather Shannon (23:47.224)

And I also wanna be clear, it doesn't mean you have to be like bouncing off the walls horny and excited. It could just mean like, yeah, I'm open. Yeah, let's see what happens. Yeah, I feel like having some amount of touch and then let's see where it goes. That's great. That's totally fine. I'm not saying not to do that. Even if you're neutral, but if it's like, no, I'm kinda just gonna be like zoning out and like not into this and just like laying there, that's not a good sign. I think it's important to acknowledge that

that's actually harmful. It's harmful to you, it's harmful to your sex drive, and it's actually harmful to the relationship because then you're also associating your partner and the sex that you have together as being something negative. So we wanna start to create positive associations. And your partner needs to be on board with this. And I think this is also a good test because the partner in this example, it sounds like.

you know, it was maybe sometimes creating a safe space, not always creating a safe space, but it actually gives your partner an opportunity to kind of help create a safe space and be a safe space for you. But to start creating positive association, you might just say, what kind of touch would I like? And it could be as simple as like playing with your hair. I would actually encourage starting with non-sexual touches and then kind of gradually becoming more and more sensual and sexual. So it could be.

playing with your hair, could be a hand massage or a foot massage. It would feel really pleasurable. I would also encourage people in this situation to try one-sided sex. So I think I've mentioned before a yoni massage. So the yoni is the entire female genitalia. And a yoni massage is really about the partner, again, holding space. Like, hey, this is all about you.

You know, you're just gonna receive the yoni massage and you can love it. You can have an orgasm, you can cry, you can, you know, have some pleasure, you can feel relaxed, you can fall asleep. I think the point is genuinely allowing yourself to feel what you feel with no need or even ability to reciprocate in this scenario.

Heather Shannon (26:08.117)

And then you can give feedback and you can say how you're feeling. So I think starting to do those types of experiments and it's going to vary person to person. But I think that can start reprogramming things in a positive lens and in a lens where it's not all about giving sex to get something else back. Right. Because that transactional association for most people, not everybody, tends to be

turn off or something that can feel negative. So I hope that helps. I so I think the key with this last one is working towards creating a safe space, processing some of the stuff from the past if needed, and really reprogramming that sex is for you. Sex is about you receiving pleasure. And I think it's important. Yes, to talk about it.

But until we have the actual experience of it, we're not fully reprogrammed. So talk about it first, realize what it is that you're gonna need to kind of pace yourself and to gradually work in the direction of sex being for you and for your pleasure. And then put it into practice. So I hope this was helpful. Thank you all for the nudge to do the listener Q &A again. And we will catch you next week with another episode of Ask a Sex Therapist. Bye everybody.