Heather Shannon (00:03.598)

Today we're going to be talking about a little bit of non-monogamy. This is one of the topics that was brought up in the survey that you guys filled out. And so I am honoring the request. But I had a client session this morning that

related to ethical non-monogamy. And frankly, it was so inspiring. So I love working with my clients, and I love when they are having successes. So y'all are going to get to benefit from that today. so topics we're going to cover today. Common fears people have about non-monogamy. What does actually go wrong in practice? Not all of those fears are ungrounded, although I think some of them are.

is ethical non-monogamy a good fit for and when? I think the timing matters for success. And then setting your boundaries and parameters or not.

when it comes to non-monogamy. Communicating regularly. You guys know if you've been listening that I'm going to hammer home that point. And number six, definitely stay for this one because compersion and jealousy are two of the main issues that come up and that kind of keep people from doing this. So I'm going to address how to get through those and grow in the process. And then I'm going to do a review at the end, little recap of pros and cons of VNM.

And I'll probably just be saying E and a lot. So I also want to clarify a little bit of definitions first before we get into it. Ethical non-monogamy is sort of an umbrella term. And within that, we have polyamory where you're open to multiple romantic love relationships.

Heather Shannon (02:02.286)

And then we have open relationships, which is typically there's a primary relationship, and then there are secondary relationships. We're not going to get into every little detail and nuance. So if you're an advanced ENM person, you might be like, well, there's all these other things. We don't have time for that today.

That one, maybe you have a friend with benefits, maybe it's more like monogamish, you know, there's variations of open relationships, but typically they're not full-on polyamory.

And then there's, you know, swinging where you're kind of swapping with other couples, kind of a specific lane. And then there's also relationship anarchy where there is no hierarchy or structure. So I may or may not use the word nesting partner. So nesting partner might be if you if you don't want to identify someone as in a hierarchical way, like, hey, this is my primary partner. This is like my main person. You might just say this is the person I live with and who I kind of

make life decisions with. So that's often the nesting partner is another way to frame that. Okay, so common fears that people have. I mean, the number one fear is this is going to blow up our relationship. I mean, and that's name of the episode, right? So.

How do you not blow up the relationship? And we'll get into that. But I think part of it is acknowledging the fears to start, taking the time to address them.

Heather Shannon (03:39.958)

Usually, I was gonna say usually, but I would actually say always. Our fears are about how we're gonna feel, right? We're afraid of feeling emotional pain is what it comes down to. We're afraid of feeling not good enough. We're afraid of our partner liking someone else better. We're afraid of having some of the wonderful things about our partner taken away or just not having enough time with them.

If there's kids involved, there could be fear of, this going to blow up our whole family? Not just our relationship, but who else is going to be harmed from this? Then there's fears about who's going to find out, right? I think people are at different levels of comfort, especially if you're just kind of like dipping your toe into this and you haven't committed to non-monogamy as a lifestyle.

then it might be like, well, we don't wanna like jump the gun and tell people before we're not sure for ourselves, which is totally fine, right? You get to have whatever boundaries you have. Now let's talk a little bit about what actually goes wrong in practice. So what I see is that people will often get ahead of themselves.

when it comes to open relationships. And they will also start a non-monogamous relationship at the wrong time or for the wrong reasons. So getting ahead of yourself looks like, hey, let's have an open relationship. by the way, I made out with someone last night at the work party. It would be like, wait, what?

We haven't fully discussed this yet. We just talked about maybe we were going to. And so it winds up still being cheating or a break of the relationship agreement, if you guys haven't defined that stuff. But it happens a lot, because I think once people get excited,

Heather Shannon (05:43.534)

once people have the idea, there can sometimes be this thought or maybe a justification or rationalization of, oh, well, we were open before. like, oh, well, we've done this before. We talked about it, so it's probably fine, instead of actually having the conversation. It can be hard when the hormones are going to keep your wits about you and when you feel like it's probably going to be OK. But.

That's also operating from scarcity. That's kind of like, we're never going to have this opportunity. Or if I don't do it now, it's never going to happen. And that might be true. Yeah, I'm not going to lie to you. It might be true. So that's one thing, is we get ahead of ourselves. We kind of push the envelope. Maybe we agreed that.

a one-off hookup was okay, but then we want to see someone a second time, and we just go ahead and do it. And kind of like, don't ask for permission, ask for forgiveness, that type of thing.

And then the other thing that I see can often go wrong is people are already having relationship problems. And when I say that, I'm not talking about just the sex. It's more like, oh, we're not totally getting along. Maybe there's also a sexual component. Maybe there's already been some cheating. And then it's like, well, things are already kind of falling apart. We might as well open the relationship, or let's try that.

And so when it's coming from that place where you're already kind of like defeated, you almost feel like you don't really have a choice, something painful has already happened in the relationship, I'm not going to say that it's never going to work. It's just not the best energy to bring into it, right? It's going to be more work to try and get there. And I think what's interesting is like you can have

Heather Shannon (07:43.754)

the same person or the same couple even who wants to explore this, but the situation and the timing and the partnership they're in matter. So and how they enter it matters.

So I'll give an example with my own life. So I was in, I was newly in a great relationship a number of years ago. We had great communication, we had great chemistry, and this person had ended another relationship where he had wanted to be more non-monogamous and didn't really get you and was sort of like hell-bent. I'm like, this has to happen.

And I was like, this guy's so fresh off this breakup, I don't know. But he just, you know, he kind of had like boyfriend material written all over him. And by the way, I think that's a quality of people who do well with polyamory is people who just are generally good relationship partners and have a lot of capacity for that.

You know, like they're good at communicating. They're good at planning. They're good at making people feel special. They're good at like all the love languages, you know, and they like that and they kind of get energized by that. So he was kind of one of those people. And so we decided to be in a relationship, but to try an open relationship. And I was curious, right? He was definitely more into it, but I was like, I was curious.

And I think what happened was we communicated really well.

Heather Shannon (09:24.984)

But the need for it for him didn't really allow us to pause. I think I needed to know that it could be taken off the table. And for him, it could not be taken off the table. I wanted to feel like our connection was the priority. And if this didn't work for our connection, we could figure it out together. And he was offering, well, if you need to pause for a month, we could talk about that or figure something out or go see a therapist or something.

thing, but I definitely need to go back to it. And so for me, just knowing that like this was a requirement for him created a lot of pressure. And you know how much you know how much I've talked on this podcast, how pressure is such a turn off, right. And so it also was one of those things where it's like, I kind of didn't feel like my needs were being equally.

met in the relationship. And so despite us having all of these wonderful aspects to our connection, it didn't work out. I don't think that means for either of us that it could never work out, but for me that experience helped me become more aware of my needs if I would explore that again.

So the timing matters, right? And I've also heard from clients, if they tried something in the past with other people, maybe the stars aligned. And the timing just kind of worked out. And it's like, so-and-so was visiting or kind of passing through or whatever. we hooked up together, and it was great. And then it just went on. And so there was kind of natural boundaries as well in the situation. In other situations,

where it is kind of born out of cheating, which happens a lot, there just needs to be some resolution to, hey, what was going on that led to the cheating? What do we actually need to be different? But one thing that I want to say that I think is actually a myth is don't open your relationship to try to fix your own sex life.

Heather Shannon (11:40.364)

I agree to some extent. Like I said, there's certain situations where it's not good. But I also think back to a couple that I worked with where one partner just wasn't seeing the other one as a sexual person. And it kind of just pre-decided. Like, OK, she's just not very sexual. I didn't think that was actually true. think that was like a,

misread of the situation. And so that was an example where I actually thought, hey, what about bringing someone else into the equation? What about if you saw her with someone else being sexual and saw someone else perceiving her as sexual?

that experience might actually help you realize what a sexual being she is and to see her that way. So I actually think that there's some cases in which it makes a lot of sense. And I think there's a lot of ways to go about it to make it work for you.

So whether it's hiring a sex worker, where it's like, hey, there's a professional boundary here, so we're less worried about emotional attachment. Or we're going to go on vacation to a swinger resort, and we have seven days, and then we go back to monogamous after that. And that's kind of the boundary around it. Or we're going to go to a bar or a party and flirt with other people, or maybe even kiss other people.

And that's it. We're not going to have it go further than that. So you guys get to set your parameters, and you get to dip your toe in without having to go all the way and commit to an entire new lifestyle for the rest of your life. So that's kind of my guidance in terms of timing and who it could work for and who it could not work for. Now, the things that I think matter. So what are the characteristics that matter?

Heather Shannon (13:30.31)

So I talked a little bit about the timing. I also want to talk about who is it just a good fit for in general. So I've mentioned that people who just have a large capacity for relationships, for sure.

people who have good communication skills, good planning skills. I think the most important thing is actually people who are energized by having multiple partnerships. There's people who are going to be drained by that, where they're like, for fuck's sake, I'm working, and I got kids, and I got other family members that I got to see and tend to. You might have aging parents. mean,

there's so many things going on, you might be like, I'm just trying to get into workout every week. Like, I can't even imagine like a whole other relationship. Then that's probably not going to be for you, right? But if you're like, hey, having a new connection really energizes me. And there's the term new relationship energy, right?

And it's there for a reason. We have this flood of amazing hormones when we're really feeling somebody, and they're feeling us too. And what happens is we then bring that confidence, that new confidence and that new energy into our existing partnership a lot of times. And so I think that's an example that's not uncommon, where it actually does help your sex life. Like realizing that, hey, with this new person,

I don't have the baggage of the different traumas we've been through together or the different resentments that have built up. I'm not coming to it.

Heather Shannon (15:37.304)

you know, I'm not coming to it from a place of anxiety or insecurity. And so sometimes just being able to access that energy with someone else, it's almost like then it's embodied, then it's like in you and you can bring it to your existing partner without the baggage as well and kind of reconnect on that level. So sometimes it is a catalyst and it is a boost. And I don't think that we should pretend that it's not. And then I also think that

Your partner might be like, oh, okay, so you're spending time with someone else, but you're coming back to me like all hot and horny and like wanting to connect and confident and energized and for a lot of people, know, having a great sex life is super energizing. You just have more pep in your step.

at your best at work, you're at your best in your body, you're at your best in your other relationships. And so I think that's important not to ignore as well. Now, I also want to distinguish if you and your partner have like zero attraction to each other. This might just emphasize that, right?

I'm talking about for people who really love each other, are committed to each other, have had this sexy spark in the past, maybe still have a little bit of it, just like maybe not as much as it was, I think it could be beneficial. If it's like, kind of feel nothing, it might just drive you further apart. So every case is different. I'm just kind of sharing these are the patterns that I see with people. OK, and then moving on to setting your boundaries and parameters or not.

So what I think is most important is communication. So whether you want to set a bunch of boundaries, like I mentioned before, it's like, we're just going to flirt. We're just going to kiss. We're just going to do it for this week. We're just going to have one night stand. Whatever the boundaries are, totally fine. I think a lot of people start with more boundaries and then loosen the boundaries as they have the experiences that like, OK, this is seeming OK. And for a lot of people, I think it also reinforces,

Heather Shannon (17:51.296)

it's not a threat, know, even if I do develop feelings for somebody else, that doesn't change how I feel with my original partner. And so then they feel more comfortable reducing the boundaries. There's also people who can go into this and maybe who have had some experience with it before or who just, you know, feel very confident.

of maybe not even having a ton of boundaries, know, just like, you want to go out with this person? Sure. You want to have sex with this person? Sure. And then they just check in afterwards. And they have an experience of communicating. And that kind of directs, where do we want to go from here? I think that's the number one thing.

And I think that people have to be very honest if they want to have a healthy version of non-monogamy. You can't be like hiding feelings. You can't be like, you know, it was fine. Yeah, I think they're just friends with benefits. If you're actually developing more romantic feelings for someone, you need to be really honest about it. And so I think that goes back to who's a good fit for this. If it's going to be hard for you to be that level of honest, this is not going to be a good fit for you. If this is something that you're hoping can actually

bring out the best in you, help you be more of who you really are, enhance your relationship, you have to be really honest. I also feel like it is gonna be emotional. People are gonna get triggered. So that's getting us to our next point. How can you get better at compersion and managing jealousy? So compersion is when you're happy for your partner's happiness, right? Or even turned on by their turn on.

So if your partner is feeling themselves and they're feeling this other person, and you're like, yes, I love this for you, tell me about it. I'm excited for you. That's compersion. Some people are more in jealousy and it's hard to access the compersion. But I do want to say that absolutely can shift. But I do think work may need to be done. Sometimes you just need to know.

Heather Shannon (20:02.773)

your partner is willing to put some boundaries in place so that you feel safe. And just knowing that makes you feel secure enough so that you can kind let them have a little more freedom. And that was something I was missing in the open relationship. I tried. I was like, he's not going to pump the brakes for me. So I don't know if that's going to work for me.

So, but yes, when I see people are like, okay, well, I don't have to meet this person if you're not comfortable with it. And they're really prioritizing their partner. It tends to go, you know, pretty well. The other piece I think with jealousy.

and how to kind of get from jealousy to compersion is understanding what is special and unique about each person that you are in relationship with and communicating that to them. think we all want to feel special. We all want to feel like we can't be replaced, which is true. We really are all unique and different. Every relationship you've ever had, I'm sure if you look back,

there's different things you got from each one. So I mean, no two are going to be alike. But I think communicating that can be important to help people feel confident. And then also taking the time to understand your own jealousy and insecurity. What I've seen with a lot of people is if their partner is, because oftentimes it's a little bit uneven too. And that's something to be real about. One partner might be more prolifically dating or having sex than the other.

And if you're the one who's kind of sitting at home more, a lot of times that person doesn't mind that their partner is going out on dates, as long as the partner is coming home more energized, more turned on, giving them even more attention than usual, because the non-monogamy is magnifying their energy. They're getting that new relationship energy and bringing it home to you. That typically works pretty well, even for people who think that they're going to be insecure.

Heather Shannon (22:00.086)

I think on the other hand, if someone's saying they're insecure, you know, and you're not meeting that need, not hearing them out, that's going to be tough, right? So we want to listen to what is it that's triggering our partner? What is it that is making them feel jealous? And it might just be like, well, I mean, you took them to our favorite restaurant. We haven't been there in two years, right? So it could be...

having some things that are separate that feel special will meet that need. So it's not that, they're jealous and you can never go out with this person. It's like, we got to find that specific thing that's bugging them. So what I find is people often don't go deep enough underneath to find out what is it about this that's bothering you? Is it the time away from home? Is it the types of things we're doing together?

Is it that we're not doing as many of those things? And that's what I find very frequently is that it can be less about the new person and more about the existing partner feeling a little bit taken for granted.

or a little bit neglected, right? And so that's where it comes in. You don't want to just go get with other people to fix your relationship because, make no mistake, just because you're opening your relationship doesn't mean you're going to have less work to do on the existing one. You're actually going to have more work to do. And so I think it's important people are realistic here, right? There's so many benefits of non-monogamy when done well.

One, think it can just help you grow as a human. It can help you recognize where you're triggered. It can help you recognize where you're jealous. It can help you recognize where you're in scarcity instead of abundance. It can help you be a better communicator, right? Plus then you're having sexual novelty. You're learning from each relationship and bringing what you learn to all the relationships.

Heather Shannon (24:01.037)

You're getting the new relationship energy. The original nesting primary relationship is maybe getting a lot of benefits from this other energy and turn-ons you're having. I often find that people who are non-monogamous are also more in abundance and less needy. So if they are approaching someone new, they can kind of take a no-well.

Right? Because they're not coming from this desperate place because they already have partners. if you want to be with them, great. But it's not coming from the needy place. It's like they're going to reach out because they want to because they actually feel connected, not because they have to. On the flip side, it's a lot of emotional work to do. Right? It's more people. It's more complexity. It's more scheduling. It's more dealing with your own emotions and holding space for someone else. So it's just more. So I think a lot of it comes down to capacity.

Like, do you have the capacity for this? And are you energized enough that it almost increases your capacity? So if you're not sure, this is something I help people with all the time. Definitely feel free to reach out to me for a consultation. You can find me at heathershannon.co. And I hope this was helpful, right? I think this is such a one other thing I wanted to add is like this is also a great way to explore bisexuality, pansexuality, or any other kind of queer identity.

while not having to leave your existing relationship. And so I actually see that a lot. I actually see that a lot that one partner or both are bisexual, pansexual, some type of queer, and want to be able to explore all sides of their sexuality. And they often have a partner who supports that, you know, which I love. And so this can be a wonderful way to just be more fully who you are. So.

I hope this was helpful everybody. We'll catch you next week on another episode of Ask a Sex Therapist. Bye for now.